Hi, my name Megan. I'm 36 years old. I'm a MtF transsexual. I started living my life full-time as a woman early 2001, started taking hormones a few months later, had my name changed later that year (opting to keep all of my initials the same as my birth name).
Life before hormones--severe depression, unable to fit in, always shy about what I was, certain body parts I had (and unfortunately still have), attempted suicide several times as well as trying to cut my testicles and/or penis off, I was always an angry and closed off person. But once I got on hormones, complete turnaround, obviously still there's going to be resentment towards certain body parts, but I somehow felt much better about myself (at least I wasn't hurting myself anymore), emotionally I was much more at peace, could definitely more readily cry and show pretty much any emotion that I used to always hold in, and for once I actually got closer to my mom, hugged her more, went out shopping together, whatnot. Heck, my mom gave me the injections of delestrogen every time.
My mom did have a hard time with my transition at first, as well as when I first came out to her, I remember her thinking that I'd be a freak (like how some old talk shows used to show transsexuals as), and that she'd lose a son, but she came to realize most likely she'd lose a child if I felt alone in this, that I could very well kill myself. Again, even though she was okay, she still for that first year or two would occasional go off on someone in the store or whereever if she caught them staring at me too long or such, afterall when I first started out, I still looked very much like a guy. That first year, before my body really started making any pleasant changes, it was rough, I really don't know how I had the courage to even go through with it all, lost a job over it, got stared at, snide remarks were made occasionally, was physically sexually harrassed once, but I did have the strength, thankfully my family was supportive, otherwise I may have not been able to make it, but then again, I was determined and just knew that once the hormones did kick in, there'd be no more questioning of what I was, so no more ridicule from anyone, and though I would know the truth, it would be much more tolerable for me, I'd have a different mindset, a new outlook, I could be me for once, not just in my own privacy but anywhere.
How was I when I was younger, I played with boys' toys, though was never rough with my toys, my playing though action oriented was more delicate than the average boy, never broke any toys that I can recall, also never got into sports. But prior to puberty I never thought about how I was different, was just a kid, simple as that, all things focused around having fun regardless of whether you were a boy or girl. Puberty hit, confusion began. There were times I remember trying to hang out and play with the girls, but they wouldn't have that, and I got made fun of the few times that I tried, so I kept to myself most of the time. My brother and I would always play together, action figures, video games and such, but any moments by myself I tended to play differently, changing action play into romance, I felt like a silly little girl, and was embarassed by my behavior that if my brother almost caught me I'd quickly change my playing into the characters fighting each other again. And with video games, whether the hero of the game were female, or if it were the princess that had to be rescued I always imagined myself as that girl, rarely ever the guy. It was an odd time, I didn't even know there was anything so deeply wrong with me yet (at least according to most). Physical Education in school, after a time I avoided this altogether, because I was uncomfortable with my body I would not change in the boys' lockerroom unless I was by myself, and even then I was scared, so for the most part when it came to PE, I accepted an 'F' rather than to expose myself.
I finally realized who I was in my late teens, but it was still a few years before I started acting out how I felt about myself, started shaving my legs, plucking facial hairs, wearing clear nail polish, got earrings, tucking away my penis, all of which eventually progressed into me coming out and telling my family, and after their acceptance of it (even though they didn't understand) to me wearing more feminine clothing--not too drastic though, even I knew how far I should take things, certainly didn't want to look like a guy in a dress--I took things at an appropriate pace, and my mom helped me through it (just as she has been there for all her children, even if the other two fail to remember).
My mom lost her job of 23 years at a printing shop a few years back, it closed down, she was making pretty decent money there, though still not quite good enough for the cost of living in the area we lived in, and she ended up getting another job but in a grocery store, as a bagger, making much less money and working much harder. I lost my job that I had worked at for 2 and a half years, then I couldn't find work at all after that, went over 3 years before I got something else (I'll get back to that in a little bit). We were struggling to make ends meet, my brother had to actually start contributing, he made a big stink about that. I couldn't afford to get any hormones anymore (had been taking delestrogen for about 8 years), well maybe my mom could stretch it ($250 every few months, rough but doable), but then there's having to see a therapist (I stopped seeing mine back at the end of 2005) an endocrinologist to get the prescription (the one I had relocated to somewhere unknown, the other doctors at that office didn't give me any info on his whereabouts, and they couldn't prescribe hormones since it wasn't their area of expertise), and my prescription ran out, no way to get more, unable to, I was pretty much poor.
Last year things got so bad for us, that my mom and I ended up homeless, we had a yard sale selling as much stuff as we could, had to give up a lot of stuff, I had to sell my old Nintendo game collection that I had for over a decade (hundreds of games) just so we could have some money to survive on for a little while, plus was impossible to hang on to it since I had no place to store all that, we lived out of our car for over 40 days, she continued to work, I continued to try to find work. At night we'd find a safe place to park, go to sleep early, wake up early, go down to the park and clean up at the restroom there, get ready for another day. It was a very depressing time, particularily for my mom, I think I was numb from the events that put us there. Sure we could have gone to a shelter, but didn't feel safe with that idea, being we had all of our belongings in the car, and a shelter isn't exactly the most clean environment. The county wouldn't help us in any other way except that they offered us food stamps but we had to be in a shelter, or have the shelter as our address, forget it, never mind, we'll do okay on our own, and we did.
My oldest nephew and my mom were talking on the phone one day, because he was supposed to had come to visit with us, the entire family, he said that he found out when he called his mom that we moved out, actuality is we were told to leave, yeah, my sister and her husband invited us into their home (we were only there for a few weeks), things weren't going quite that well so my sister tossed us out (why? greed, selfishness, spite, jealousy-a lot of that against me), even though she knew we had no place else to go, and she did this to her own mother (to me I understand, but her mom...). My mom told him the truth, he was distressed by what he found out, told his dad (my sister's exboyfriend from long ago), they told us to come on down to North Carolina (we were from Virginia). We were hesitant on it, afterall, if family could just throw us away like we were meaningless garbage, and over such simple little things, how could these other people whom weren't even related to us (except for my nephew) not do the same after we got there. We took a few days to think on it, then we took the biggest chance of our lives, a jump into the unknown (what else did we have to lose?).
When we got to NC, we were welcomed as if we'd been their family all along, and none of them treated me badly, none acted awkwardly towards me being that I'm transgender (my brother and sister had brought out some terrible things regarding this before we were kicked out on the street) and we lived in their house for a couple weeks until I found a job (really lucked out on this one), and then my mom and I moved into their other mobile home which they said we could live in, rent free, since it was just sitting there with no one in it anyway, just pay whatever utilities we get. Its not in that great of shape, but its a place to live and we've been here for about a year now, and doing what we can to fix it up.
Unlike before, like how I went without a job for a long time, this time it was my mom whom was having trouble finding work, I got a job almost immediately, but my mom not until the start of this year. Through the time of us living here, things were for the most not going anywhere for us, just stable, surviving day to day, but seemingly slowly going downhill, made us wonder if even moving here was a good idea (would we have been better off still living in the car?). Then in December my mom lost her car, they came and repossessed it since she couldn't pay on it, so now using my nephew's stepmom's car half the time (since we live quite some distance from town). Now we are certainly stuck here, better make the best of it.
Last year was the worst year of both of our lives, with our family breaking up, being homeless, losing our car, me not being on hormones for so long (my emotions were a rollercoaster as was, I was pretty messed up, don't know how I held it together) and having had so much negative stuff happen, trying to do things to hurt myself. But this year I've been doing all that I could to try to make living better for us, and now that my mom is also working again we can do it as a team again. We both only make minimum wage, 15-25 hours a week each, but at least we do have jobs.
At least for me my boss is a decent fellow, and he does know that I'm transgender. A couple weeks after being hired one day he called me into the office and questioned the 'M' on my I.D., so I told him, he just asked about whether there'd be any problems, particularly with using the womens' bathroom, I told him that I'd been living fully as a woman for 10 years, as well as some other details I don't remember, he was okay with it, not sure how much he knows on transgenders, but has always treated me like any of the other ladies that work there, that's all I ask, and its never been brought up again. I also know that the lady that hired me does also since we had a conversation (just various random things) just a couple weeks ago and it was made known, but she's fine with me, afterall she hired me, and one no seems to treat me in any awkward manner.
But we live in a very small town, word of any kind travels around quickly around here. But doing okay so far, still passing as a woman (though a couple times some little children do what they always have a tendancy to do, point out things that most adults don't pay no mind to), still look nice in a dress (bought a few recently, made me very happy to see the prettier side of me that I had put away for a while due to depression of not being on hormones), but am deeply fearful of that all will be changing soon (since it will be 2 years come June that I've been without hormones), hard edges and muscle definition are started to show more, among other things (one that I have to wake up to now that I thought I'd never have to feel again), whereas a couple years ago I had a nice phat butt, and overall a much softer look and feel to my skin--I looked damn good, despite always seeing the male flaws, even though most others didn't, and I felt good about myself inside and out (not so much now).
Now I'm doing all that I can to keep busy, just so I don't dwell on gender related things so much. I started cross-stitching again (had started that quite some years ago, but never stuck with it), plan on making lots of game related stuff and then trying to sell 'em, any money earned from that will go towards my future sex-reassignment surgery. Mom writes poetry, so this year once she gets it all organized looking to get it all published (if it can do well enough, that could be money for a car, maybe even a house of our own--wishful thinking, but trying to be positive). Last year my nephew's father got us a puppy, my first time having a dog as a pet, absolutely hated her at first, or at least tried to, eventually she won my heart, she's about a year old now, my mom named her Snickers, I just call her Boo-Boos, she's a mix of several breeds, Border Collie and some other types, anyway she's a good dog, and actually touched my heart a few times bringing me to joyful tears because she's just so adorable. I love this dog so much I wish that I could do more for her to give her an even better home environment, we play together, I take her for walks, she sleeps on the couch with me, curled up by my feet or against me, but someday I want to have a nice yard for her to run around in.
Last year I had several breakdowns, two really bad ones, once when I tied my testicles up for over 40 minutes, I was hoping to lose feeling in them and then could ignore them until they rotted and fell off, but actually it ended up being severely painful to the point of massive sweating and nearly fainting (I still wish that I could've endured the pain), and another time when I punched a wall in our mobile home (I hit a beam), crushed my left hand knuckles pretty bad (first time I punched anything since over a decade ago), after that one I took some time to think through a better coarse of action to regaining what I lost. I had even considered trying to get hormones without a prescription, but I've never been one for taking risks like that, spend too much time thinking all consequences through (indentity theft, stealing my money and not getting the goods, plus its illegal and I've always prided myself with not doing things that are wrong or against the law), so after just exploring that option I decided it was best not to take it, that I'm just going to have to be a little more patient and wait a bit longer.
Currently, though outwardly I seem to be holding it together (at least better than I had the past couple years), I'm on the verge of self-destruction (last couple days I've been having thoughts again, started crying a little bit this morning, woke up that way, having feelings of hopelessness that I'll never get back to feeling like a woman again) only my hopes that things will work out very soon for me (first step, talking with a therapist-having a lot of trouble with finding anyone as I am really far away from any that are listed as TG specialist, next, hopefully soon after, back on hormones again-sure hope that I won't have to wait a whole nother year like when I first started on them back in 2001, and even though still a long ways off, surgery) is keeping me going, but what's harder for me now than when I was first starting out a decade ago, I've had a taste of what its like to feel like a woman, not just in mind but body as well (at least as much as one can whom was not actually born as a girl, and still doesn't have the right parts).
I guess I've never felt the need to talk about anything transgender, but at this point in my life I'm feeling more lost than ever, and I shouldn't, I should still be on the hormones, still be comfortable with me, so that I can cope better with the rest of the goings-on in my life. As is, while I always love my mom, and I always do what I can for her, somehow I feel distant from her, like I was way back prior to hormone therapy, same way with my nephew and his family, at this time, I'm really having trouble getting close to anyone, its like I'm reverting back to that closed up angry guy that I hated so much so many years ago. So, this morning, been up since four-something, couldn't sleep, it brings me here. I've stopped in once in a great while over the years, read a few posts here and there, but now finally getting around to joining, I need help but don't know where or who to turn to.
