I'm sorry about this post, if you don't want to hear more whining then please leave now.
In a few months I'm going to be starting college after not doing anything after high school for about half a decade. I don't have any money and I don't have a car. With that out the way, I've struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since puberty, ending with my last attempt during 6th grade. The only thing that kept me from antagonizing myself was the thought of transition. After therapy, I started taking hormones about 3 or so years ago.
My life on hormones hasn't been nearly as happy as most people that I tend to hear about. I want to trust my doctor's judgment, but my body has reacted strongly to testosterone since I started treatment. I would see small changes, and watch them completely disappear over time, only to finally get an increase in dosage to see the same thing happen all over again. About two months ago I went back to my doctor to have my testosterone levels examined, but the results didn't return any problems.
But there is a problem. Issues with morning erections, loss in breast size, and escalating hair growth has gradually increased over the past few months. This morning I have even notice that my hairline has started to thin and recede. My therapist says I should consider a hysterectomy, but most SRS surgeons tend not to prefer operating on a patient that had already had that surgery done. Even if that wasn't the case, I don't have the money or means to afford any surgery whatsoever right now. So I don't think that talking to my endocrinologist will change anything, and surgery isn't an option.
The problem is that I feel like I'm going through this alone. My greatest fear is to turn into a man one day. That's not a concern, that's a rippling panic inducing fear. Sometimes it's difficult to breath. I can't measure this kind of pain. I'm writing this message because transition has given me no happiness. It has only caused me to relive some of the nightmares that made me so unstable in the first place. I'm writing this because I don't know if I can do this anymore. There's no hope that I can successfully transition and I don't think I'm strong enough to go through male puberty again in any form. I've started to think about taking my life. I truthfully don't want to die because I really do love my family. I want to calm down and try one more time before I do this. I just don't know what to do or who to talk to.
