OK first off the name PHSensei; I don't have a female name. Sensei was a name a friend used to call me when I was helping her through a rough time. I tend to help people like that and the name stuck.
As for me; I am a crossdresser. I love pantyhose, its the look, the feel and more importantly how they make me feel. I wear them daily whether in a skirt or dress at home or under pants while out and about. They are just part of who I am.
My earliest memory of hosiery is at 4 or 5; I found some in a bathroom and that started my journey. As I got a bit older I figured if I was going to wear pantyhose I had better check out dresses, panties, slips etc. Like many I had guilt when dressing up. I tried to barter with god to make me stop. The urge would grip me time and time again though and I would be stuck in the loop of sneaking to dress, feeling guilt, the taking everything off.
I remember seeing on tv that a man could become a woman and started thinking "maybe that's what I should do". I realized that I liked girls, wasn't attracted to boys at all. My thinking was girls wear girl clothe sand girls like boys. The fact that I liked girl clothes and didn't like boys was confusing; "what kind of freak am I "
Oddly in 10th grade I found I just really liked it. Anytime I had alone time (I was an only child) I would dress up. The guilt was there, just less. At some point of my 11th grade year the guilt and self loathing kicked in. I started looking for ways to man up, so I looked to the military. I joined at 18 thinking that would cure me of my girly ways, needs, and desires.
Well that didn't work, it just back burnered things. No access to silky girly things so I couldn't dress. Got a girlfriend and ventured into her things a couple times. Came home on leave, right back into Moms things. Same cycles of dressing and guilt and self loathing.
After the military I met a girl and got married. Barely able to admit I dressed I concocted a story about a role reversal fantasy. She was into the idea but not the reality of me in a skirt, when we tried it she laughed andit crushed my soul. I clung to liking the pantyhose like a drowning person. She was OK with it to a point, or so I thought. After 10 years together she left me for wearing pantyhose. She knew before we married but thought it was a phase that would go away. It wasn't we tried compromise but the only thing she would accept was me quitting. I knew I couldn't, I had squashed everything else but couldn't give up that.
My turning point was realizing that I was better off alone and being me than being with her and miserable.
I dated and made my pantyhose wearing known once things got past a few dates. The women I dated were OK with my wearing pantyhose. Eventually I met the wonderful woman who would be my second bride. She too was OK with the pantyhose, but she admitted liking it, and me in them. At this point my dressing desires were so repressed it was beyond my consciousness. But all that love and acceptance brought it back with a vengence. I soon realized it wasn't going away, so I shared my past and my needs with my then fiancée. She agreed to give it a try... and found she liked it. We have fun with my dressing, we shop together, we talk, we are best friends.
A dream come true... finding myself. Expressing that softer side openly and honestly. Being loved and not judged for what I wear. No more guilt, shame, or self loathing.
Its been a long journey to get here. Painful and humbling at times, but now I have someone to share life with who gets me and loves me for me. I look forward to the rest of our journey together.
