Going Stealth...

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,
::)It's me again, your friendly pollster lady...

No doubt this topic has been through the mill a few times, but hey I'm a newbe, so bear with me on this...

::)I class myself as 'semi-stealth' which means I don't really care who knows of my past, but I don't wear the 'T' shirt in public so to speak...

I live in a society where I don't have to fear for my safety if I'm outed, so being semi-stealth suit me...However I know there are some trans-unfriendly places in the world, where being outed could have serious consequences...

If a trans-person happens to live in such an area where being outed is risky but is fortunate enough to 'pass'/'blend-in', I can fully understand them wanting to keep their past under lock and key[or if you like tucked neatly in the closet], so deep-stealth would be a necessity ...

Fully stealth means ones past is disclosed on a need to know bases only, one still has some concerns for their safety should they be outed...

Metta Zenda    

[Janet_Girl]

Hey Zenda,

I am also semi-stealth.  I don't go advertising my past, unless there is a "need to know"; but if asked I will educate.

[JungianZoe]

I consider myself fully stealth, but need-to-know.  However, with all that's gone on lately (socially and politically) I'm seriously thinking of changing that stance.  Still doesn't mean I'd go around blabbing about it constantly, but I'm starting to want to do something that makes a difference, and full stealth doesn't really mesh with that desire.

[Da Monkey]

Where I live now I am fully stealth and don't ever want people here to know about me since I have built a new life here.

Though when I go back to my two home towns I don't care who knows about me since most people already know. I feel like that they are the places where I was my old self and even though I wasn't happy with myself that way I did have a lot of good memories in my past that are such a part of me. I like to hold on to them instead of forgetting they never existed. Although, I just want people to know that's who I was not who I am.

I like coming to this forum because otherwise I feel that I might out myself to a friend in my town for someone to talk to but I know it's not worth it because it might ruin everything that I built. Plus no one understands it better than other people who are trans.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora, And thanks for the response so far...

I think what Jay said rings true for many...Going deep or even full stealth can be a very lonely place, having no one to confide in....

Being a semi-stealther gives me a relief valve if and when I feel it necessary to be open about my past, plus it can be quite interesting, especially when chatting with a group of friends, some of whom know of my past whilst other don't and the topics of pregnancy and children comes up has it often does with women my age...I've never denied my children's existence, but being their biological father, not their mother does have its sticky moments-

I have no wish to deny the fact I'm not their mother, but when people refer to me as their mother, I might just nod in agreement, but I've never described myself as their 'mother' when I mention them...When out in public with my children, if the need arises they use my female name when addressing me, only in private will they refer to me has "Dad"...

Metta Zenda

[Padma]

"Stealth" doesn't feel relevant for me - as a 6'3" broad-shouldered man I don't have any expectation that I'll ever be simply seen as an always-been-a-woman. So I'm inclined to think I'll be living as me, looking however I end up looking, and any "stealth" will be on the part of other people who don't want to be open with their feelings about that!

[vanna]

I am so stealth when i talk people jump back in suprise that i was actually standing there   

[Anatta]

Kia Ora Padma,

::)There are some really tall women out there and some also have broad shoulders, blending in as a lot to do with ones attitude, it's not just ones appearance...When you're truly comfortable in your own skin, it shows, other people can see this...

Kia Ora Valerie,
It's true, some cis-gender people have better 'gen-dar' than others, especially those who have had encounters with trans-people in the past, for example lots of street smart people are quite aware of tale tale signs...

I'm sure some strangers whom I have met have read me but are too polite to say anything, or they could just give me the benefit of the doubt...

I guess there's really no such thing as 100% passable, there will always be at least one code breaker in the crowd ... 

Metta Zenda

[Janet_Girl]

Thursday we were all talking about how horses can stall or halt labor.  And of course all of girls were talking about how nice that might be, till one girl mention giving birth full grown.  I, of course, said "I don't think so.  My Sons are all over 6 ft."  The room broke out into laughter.

Bare in mind, no one knows.  They all just assumed I gave birth.

[Da Monkey]

Thursday we were all talking about how horses can stall or halt labor.  And of course all of girls were talking about how nice that might be, till one girl mention giving birth full grown.  I, of course, said "I don't think so.  My Sons are all over 6 ft."  The room broke out into laughter.

Bare in mind, no one knows.  They all just assumed I gave birth.

Hahahahahah

Yeah I always word things differently. Like instead of saying "when I was a little boy" I say "when I was a little kid". Stuff like that.

[JungianZoe]

Hahahahahah

Yeah I always word things differently. Like instead of saying "when I was a little boy" I say "when I was a little kid". Stuff like that.

That reminds me of how I totally blew it the other night.  I went to a get-together of some friends and there were a few people there that I didn't know.  Now I was an hour late because I got into a really long (and very civil) conversation with my ex-wife as I was getting ready to leave and totally forgot about the time.

I walked into the little party and said, quite loudly, "Sorry I'm so late... I got caught up on the phone with my ex-wife."  Everyone heard it too...

[Ann Onymous]

I walked into the little party and said, quite loudly, "Sorry I'm so late... I got caught up on the phone with my ex-wife."  Everyone heard it too...

that is only a problem if people presumed you were straight   Embrace your inner lesbian

[Miniar]

You know, I think it may be because of how liberal Iceland is and how accepting my family is.. but I've never felt any desire to go "stealth".

[sascraps]

I put fully stealth even though it's kind of mixed for me. If I did fully transition, I'd love to build a new life with no connections to my past at all. However I wouldn't mind people knowing I was born female. I just wouldn't ever disclose who I was or where I came from. I won't even claim to be from Pittsburgh like a friend of mine does because she doesn't like to admit she's from West Virginia. I've lived in a big city before, and that's where I'll claim to be from, because I have enough knowledge of the city for it to be believable.

[quinn]

While I don't want to be known as "the transman" after I've transitioned, or be seen as a model of what all transmen are supposedly like, I have no objection to being open about (what will be) my past, as far as gender goes. As long as people see me as more than just my gender identity, I'm fine with the whole world knowing I'm transsexual. It's part of what makes me who I am, and just like my nationality and my race it doesn't entirely define me but it does affect my life significantly. But I don't want to be totally out until I've transitioned, as I need to be in the closet about it at work until I've proven myself awesome enough that they wouldn't even consider firing me for being different.

[Padma]

Kia Ora Padma,

::)There are some really tall women out there and some also have broad shoulders, blending in as a lot to do with ones attitude, it's not just ones appearance...When you're truly comfortable in your own skin, it shows, other people can see this...

Hi Zenda, I think you've misunderstood me (which probably just means I haven't explained myself clearly). While I appreciate your well-meaning encouragement, it's not needed: I'm not really interested in passing or blending in, I'm mainly interested in being myself, and the main stumbling block to that is my anatomy. If, once I've transitioned, people think I'm a masculine woman, or they're not sure what I am, or they think I'm a trans woman, that's fine, as how I look and dress and move and sound will just be how I want to do all those things at the time, and I don't mind appearing ambiguous.

I've already had a lifetime of people treating me strangely because I didn't give off the "right signals" as a straight man, or as a gay man, since I've actually never been either (and that's what people were expecting of me). The signals I'm giving off now are much more those of someone who is happy to be who they are - I just have this anatomy thing to sort out and then I can get on more easily with being me, and other people will just have to deal with it.

[rejennyrated]

I am currently semi-semi-stealth it varies a fair bit depending on what is happening around me. At times I have been in ultra deep stealth and at other times I have been out and proud. Currently I seem to have settled on a happy medium but with a tendency NOT to disclose unless it really is relevant.

I'm not one of the paranoid crew, If someone knows or finds out it doesn't really worry me but I'm certainly not tee shirt wearing either because I really don't think that something which effectively happened in my childhood is anyone else's business.

[Nygeel]

Right now I don't have the option to be stealth or anywhere near stealth. I'm read as female most of the time. I've been an activist for trans people for the past 7 or 8 years. I think I would end up being moderately-minimally stealth. Not caring who knows of my past, being an activist on the side but not announcing "I'm trans" everywhere.

[Anatta]

Hi Zenda, I think you've misunderstood me (which probably just means I haven't explained myself clearly). While I appreciate your well-meaning encouragement, it's not needed: I'm not really interested in passing or blending in, I'm mainly interested in being myself, and the main stumbling block to that is my anatomy.  - I just have this anatomy thing to sort out and then I can get on more easily with being me, and other people will just have to deal with it.

Kia Ora Padma,

My apologies, I did read more into what you wrote than was actually there...But sadly there are those who continually put themselves down because of their height and broad shoulders believing they will 'never' be accepted ...

However your above response reminds me of a person I met a few years back on another forum, she too was quite comfortable about who she was and didn't really care how other people would perceive her...The other thing she had going for them was her lack of dysphoria[ she wasn't really dysphoric about her identity] she didn't suffer or appear to suffer in any way from depression...

And judging by your comments you too come across as a pretty laid back person, perhaps its all those years of Buddhist mind training...Enjoy the journey... 

Happy Mindfulness

Metta Zenda