Intuition

[JungianZoe]

I'm feeling like a real tool right now... like maybe I'm just being too sensitive or cowardly.  But tonight, my intuition (and a cold, but mostly my intuition) made me bail on plans I made with my friend a week ago.

She invited me to a show by an old high school classmate of ours--someone I haven't seen in 16 years--because she didn't want to go alone.  This wasn't anyone I actually knew in high school (knew of, more like), but was someone she was very familiar with since their families used to sit together in church.  He recently found her Facebook page, friended her, and asked her to this show.

Earlier this afternoon I checked the location where the show was taking place and found out it was a sleazy dive bar.  I also found pictures from one of this guy's past shows, and the audience... well... looked like a drunken audience listening to white boy rap in the suburbs (which is exactly what this show is).  There was also a video from the last performance and it made me distinctly uncomfortable.  I got this overwhelming feeling that if, for whatever reason, someone read me, there would be trouble.

The problem is, I can't vocalize this fear to my friend.  She would tell me that if someone wanted to start anything, she'd be there to back me up.  That's just her way though.  In high school, she used to stop her car in the middle of the street, run up the snowy hillside in a dress and knee-high boots, and tackle boys on the wrestling team if she thought they looked at her funny (true story).  I always urged her to stop because it only made our problems with the jocks even worse.  See, I never fought anyone.  I was the gentle soul who (sometimes naïvely) thought that peace and love could conquer it all.  Ignore them and they would go away.  Yeah... that went over well at pre-shooting Columbine.

These days my friend has MS, but she still has the attitude that there's no danger in this world that can't be fought, physically or otherwise.  She works four jobs, owns two boxers, drives a BMW, and prides herself on being tough as nails.  I'm admittedly soft and avoid trouble.  This show tonight looked like trouble to me.  Call it intuition, cowardice, I don't know, but I backed out on going with her.

Do you think I'm just being paranoid?

[MarinaM]

I have a girlfriend in the exact same vein as yours. I won't go to one of her friend's rap shows either. She understands why. Never place yourself in a dangerous and uncomfortable situation on purpose without a need.

[JungianZoe]

I have a girlfriend in the exact same vein as yours. I won't go to one of her friend's rap shows either. She understands why. Never place yourself in a dangerous and uncomfortable situation on purpose without a need.

But that's why I feel kind of guilty.  I thought there was a need to go: to support my friend and not let her venture into that dump alone.  But I was terrified of what the drunken frat boys fueled by live rap might do if any of them figured out (or even thought they figured out) that I was trans.

My friend is still going.  All alone.  She stopped and brought me some soup (for my cold) on the way there.  Even face to face, I couldn't tell her my fears.

[Ann Onymous]

Your post simply illustrates one of many reasons why I refuse to create an account on Facebook...too many instances of people thinking they need to make a friend request just because you went to school with them (or some other silly nonsense).  Even though I showed up for my 20th reunion, it took me all of about five minutes to realize why I never made an effort to stay in touch with any of the class (well, save for about three peeps).

I don't see an issue with bailing on the show.  All you need to tell the friend is that you got a bad vibe...the reality is that some areas of town or venues are going to be like that, no matter where the town might be.

 

[JessicaR]

Wow... this is SO like something that recently happened to me...

  I have a trans support group that meets biweekly. I've become great friends with another transwoman there and casual friends with a self-identified androgyne.

  My androgynous friend is in a new band and invited everyone in the group to go to their opening night. Zi described their sound as "folky Dropkick Murphys" style and the venue is advertised as an Irish pub. At first glance, I thought it would be fun.. I'm very Irish and love celtic flavored music; my trans friend wants to venture out as herself more and the show was about an hour away.. What could go wrong?

  The GPS announced that we arrived and I saw the bar... If it was just me I would have never gotten out of the car.. alarms were going off in my head that this was a bad idea but I didn't want to disappoint my androgynous friend. We paid the cover and walked in... this was the kind of place where everyone turns and looks when the door opens.. I saw tattoos and piercings; I suddenly wished that I had dressed much differently and replaced my septum retainer with a ring. Everyone knew each other.. The opening band started with a Pantera tune and, although I had to pee after two beers, I was suddenly afraid to go to the ladies' room. My friend, who's just started transition, was getting eyeballed and every ounce of this tgirl was screaming, "leave now!!"

  We listened to two more songs but the guys in the bar started the, "we're gonna stand in a half circle, hold our beer and talk about who's ass we can kick," thing... It was time to go. There were a few comments on the way to the car but we escaped unscathed.

   I should have listened to my intuition and never gone into that place! I avoid straight venues, now... I feel so much more comfortable in a sea of dancing Lesbians ;-)

[JungianZoe]

the reality is that some areas of town or venues are going to be like that, no matter where the town might be.

Exactly!  This place I would have gone to tonight is next to an arts-based charter school (was my first elementary school back when it was in the public school system) in an area by an extremely upscale suburban neighborhood.  The venue's male patrons looked like a bunch of beer-swilling, rebellious rich kids with the attitude that daddy's money would get them out of trouble.  The women looked like they were tarted up to be fished out of corporate mediocrity and whisked into the frying pan of easy luxury (with the claws-out attitude of doing anything it took to go home with the fisherman who had the biggest worm).

I know that's a horrid generalization and it's not meant to apply to everyone with money or those stuck in a soul-sucking corporate job they hate.  It's merely how THESE people looked.  You should see the testosterone-and-rap-fueled anger in the videos I saw from another of this guy's performances at this bar.  It weren't perty.  The pictures themselves left me cold toward the patrons, but the video gave me chills when I pictured physically being in that place.

--------------------

And Jessica... wow!  I really couldn't imagine the fright of being in that moment (well, almost, or my intuition bells wouldn't have been pealing tonight).  Some of those people are bad enough by themselves, but put them into groups, give them alcohol, prime them with angry music, and it's a recipe for disaster.  Did you actually get to see your friend's band or did you have to leave too early?

I find that some straight environments are okay.   I've been to a new-agey bar here in Denver that's a real safe haven, full of people who want to talk but dislike the meat market club scene.  Goth nights are always a blast, where even non-trans and non-andro folk are cryptically dressed.  No matter what you look like, you're welcome.  Well, to an extent... some nights are populated by the "more gothic than thou" jerks, but most in my area have shed that over the years. 

Truth told, I've never been to a gay bar before.  My friend (the same one from tonight) really wants to take me to one that she's been to a few times and I'll take her up on that offer next weekend when I'm not sick.

[Joelene9]

  I had that kind of intuition before starting HRT.  I don't drink but went to the bars with friends on occasion.  Some of of the bars really creeped me out.  The ones with the tattoos and the "Yuppie" ones.  The Yuppie bar patrons will look at you funny, point and whisper if they detect a thread out of place!  And the tattoo bar Jessica mentioned for the same reason as hers. 
  I did do some shore patrol duty in the Navy and the situation of the tattoo bars was the same, but I knew the people.  "Twiggy the Sailor" here had to drag a lot of drunks to the pier many times.   I processed them back to the ship when my section had the beach guard duty at the pier.  I had the same intuition as now and I didn't go to the bars when I was off duty.   A ship 1,054 ft in length with some 5,000 men with an active airport gets small in a hurry after two weeks at sea.  You know everybody. 
  Joelene
 

[JessicaR]

 Nope...never saw them play

  There's a LGBT bar here that has a ladies' night... Being in a place without testosterone is just so refreshing to me..

[Padma]

No, I don't think you let your friend down - you might just as well wonder whether she let you down by asking you to go somewhere like that. If she's not comfortable about going there on her own, that says something too, doesn't it.

[CrazyTina]

I have not read any follow up post, I apologize. But I wholly believe in trusting your intuition when the time is right. You have to be sure that the voice you are hearing is indeed intuition and not the selfish ego. Based on what the rest of your post defined I say you made the right choice. I would spend much less time worrying about the people you call your friends. If they truly care about you, they will love you unconditionally even if you did not go with them

Peace and Love.

[Northern Jane]

I learned a LONG time ago to listen to my intuition - most girls do.

Tell your friend you aren't going because you intuition is saying no. If she is any kind of friend, she will understand.

[Janet_Girl]

I have always went with my gut, a.k.a. intuition.  It has gotten me out of a couple of situations.  I think we all have it, but some just ignore it, calling it something else: cowardice, stupid feelings, etc.

[Rock_chick]

To be honest, in situations like that all you need is confidence in yourself...not a bolshy "lets ave a fiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!" attitude, but a "I'm female and why the hell would anyone question that" attitude. I've never felt uncomfortable once when out drinking, though I do get hit on by letchy old men wanting to bum a ->-bleeped-<- off me...admittedly when I go out drinking i go out driiiiiiiiiiiiiinking so i'm usually to pissed to care.

[TreyLeeGamer]

I believe that Intuition that strong should be listened to. I can tell that you've thought hard and logically about this situation, you choice what you felt was the best even though finding it and going through with it wasn't easy. Don't put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, you won't be happy and your friend wouldn't want you to feel that way.  At the very lest it's better safe then sorry.

Everyone has a different way of living and dealing with life. It's not so much a matter of finding the right side as it is finding the right side for yourself. Your friend's tough as nails approach works for her, just like how your careful and considerate nature works for you. Not that trying the other approach is wrong either. That's why your friendship is special, you expose each other to other ways of living and how they can work. Even if they don't work for both of you.

Don't be ashamed of your guilt, recognize that it comes from your genuine care for your friend.