Back in the early 90's, I had come out to my mother. She was generally supportive, asked a few questions, borrowed a couple of books, and then didn't talk about it for years. Occasionally, transition would come up as a topic of discussion and then it would go away.
Today, I sent her this email. Names have been changed for security.
Mom,
This is going to be a long email, so settle in and read it carefully.
As you know, I've wrestled with gender identity dysphoria (or disorder, as most people call it:
http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Gender+identity+dysphoria) for most of my life. Plainly put, I have known that something was wrong since I was 4 years old. These feelings have lessened periodically, though they always gained strength and returned. Each time they go away for a time, they come back twice as strong as before.
You once mentioned that you wanted me to wait until either you were dead or that I simply ostracize myself from the family, as some of them could (and would most likely) become violent with me. I have to tell you, now, that since I am rarely near the family, rarely go to reunions, and have no real interest in dealing with or being around people with so much hate in their hearts, that I no longer care what the family thinks or how they will react, should they find out, about my decisions. I simply refuse to live in fear of them or what they think.
I also have to make it plain that I intend to, somehow, get the money together and become the woman I was supposed to be. I tried to live as a man (I don't even like typing that out; it makes me physically sick) and I cannot do it anymore. Every day I wake up, hoping and praying, that I will no longer have a penis. I detest that. . . thing. . . and want nothing to do with it.
Every time I am referred to with masculine pronouns or called "sir," is like being stabbed with a white hot poker.
You once wrote me a letter wherein you asked me 'what about <MALE NAME>?' <MALE NAME> and <MALE NAME> are names that I've been honored to borrow, but its time to lay them aside and pick up the names I feel should be mine: Allison Elaine. I intend to keep <SURNAME> as my surname.
Since my birth certificate is listed as Blank Blank <SURNAME>, I've been in contact with an organization in California called the Transgender Law Center. I explained the situation to them and they think that I'll need to go to California to appear in a court hearing to legally change the birth certificate to Allison Elaine and the gender marker to F.
I know that this process will be difficult for you to understand and deal with. For that, I am sorry beyond words. There is an organization called PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbian and Gays) that help parents deal with LGBT (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender) children. I highly recommend that you visit them online or in person and get some information about all this. PFLAG's site about supporting transgendered and gender-variant family members can be found here:
http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=380and you can find the local chapter here. (link removed for security).
I want you to know that nothing will really change between us. I'll still be the same person you've always known. I'll just look a lot different and dress differently.
What does <WIFE'S NAME> think?
We have discussed this at length and she is supportive of me exploring these issues to their logical conclusion. That means psychotherapy with at least two therapists familiar with gender-variance. I don't expect this to be easy, or quick. Normal transition usually takes 2-3 years, when you factor in the need to remove facial hair, hormonal changes, and general comfort level and familial adjustments.
Moral objection
I understand that you may have a moral objection to this. I want you to know that I am not asking for, or expecting, you to pay for anything related to this process. All I am asking for is your love and understanding. I want you to ask questions, of me, of PFLAG, of anyone in the Gender community. (I can provide some links when you are ready to take this step).
Please know that I am not doing this out of anger, either at you or dad. I am doing this because this is how I feel! It always has been. In addition to my ADHD and other problems in school, the main reason I couldn't focus was I was looking at all the other girls and saying: "Why can't I wear that, too?"
All I've ever wanted was to be accepted as the woman I am. And this is all I am asking of you.
What about <BROTHER'S NAME>?
As far as <BROTHER'S NAME> goes, if he wants to be supportive of his sister, then great. If not, I wish him well in his life, and will respect his decision and not bother him.
Or your father?
I haven't told dad, yet, and I ask that you do not discuss it with him. That is my responsibility and I'll face it.
Does this mean your gay?
You may be wondering if this means I'm gay. Being transgendered doesn't automatically mean that someone is gay or lesbian. Unraveling orientation is hard enough without the gender issues getting in the way. Its even more cloudy when you throw in the gender issues.
From a purely physical perspective, I am straight, as I am biologically/physically male and <WIFE'S NAME> is a woman.
From a purely mental/gender perspective, I am a lesbian, as I am mentally gendered female and <WIFE'S NAME> is a woman.
Gender is basically your brain sex. Your physical sex is determined by your genitalia; what between your legs. Sex and gender are two distinct, though closely inter-related things.
After transition? I don't know. I've heard other transwomen say that they started out one orientation and ended as another. The hormones are thought to have an impact on this, though it hasn't been proven.
For me, this means that I could be a straight woman (dating men) or a lesbian (dating women) or bisexual (dating both). I won't really know until I get on hormones and fully transition.
Why didn't you tell me this when you were younger?
You may wonder why I didn't bring this to you when I was in middle school (or younger). The plain truth was, I was scared of your reaction. Even then, I was hearing stories of transgendered people being disowned by parents or, worse, physically assaulted for the "crime" of being born with a medical disorder that the parents didn't, and didn't bother to, understand. You have no idea how painful it was to celebrate my sweet 16 as a boy. I wanted so bad to wear a dress on that day. That tore my heart out.
I know this is a lot to dump on your doorstep all at once, and for that, I am sorry. I really do feel that this is something I cannot avoid. I must explore this, at the least, to see if these feelings are real. If they prove to be real, my intent is to transition, as this is the accepted medial remedy for gender identity disorder.
I ask for your love, understanding, and moral support. As I said earlier, I don't expect and am not asking nor demanding monetary support of any kind. If you prefer to not communicate with me anymore, or disown me, I understand. Just know that I love you and never wanted to hurt you or cause you difficulty or embarrassment.
I'll be looking for a response.
Your Daughter,
Allison Elaine <SURNAME>
---
I sent this earlier today and got back the following response:
My DEAREST Allison,
FIRST and FOREMOST, I would NEVER disown or otherwise leave you. You are the love of my HEART. There is MUCH to discuss. There is your wife to consider. I feel NO embarrassment for your your situation, only concern and a worry about my <LEGAL NAME>. I do not want to lose my beautiful son.
You are speaking of killing him and I find that the hardest pain to bear.
I BEG YOU PLEASE...May we spend some quiet time to discuss all the details of your decision? Please? I hate g-mail for it will not let me underline or put into bold print to make emphisis on my words so in the future we will discuss this on AOL. No worry, I will lock out my password so no one here can access my mail. In the future, please send all e-mail to <SCREEN NAME> and I will go now to disable the automatic password. I do have one huge question that I really need an answer to:
DO YOU TRUST AND LOVE GOD ALMIGHTY?
NEVER FORGET THAT YOUR MOTHER LOVES AND WORSHIPS YOU WITH ALL OF HER HEART.
---
*SIGH*
Thoughts? Words of advice?
~Allison
