secrets

[quinn]

Does anyone else who's pre-transition ever feel like just telling the whole world you're trans, just to get it out in the open and stop worrying about how people will react when they find out? I've had this job for just a few weeks and already it's driving me mad not being able to express the way I feel inside. I know logically I should wait at least three months or so before coming out as trans, but it's like trying to keep a secret... I just don't think I can for too much longer. Added to this is the frustration and anger at the way my supervisor sees me, I'm a little bit soft-spoken and socially awkward so I suppose that makes me seem more feminine to her, so she calls me "Sweet *insert birth name here*" and occasionally calls me other things such as "sweetie," etc., I totally hate it but I don't feel like I can say anything about it without it being obvious that I'm not really all that feminine (and, of course, without offending her; I'm sure she would be offended if I asked her to stop calling me that). When I was unemployed my gender dysphoria wasn't as bad as it is now, just because I had a lot less social interaction and thus I got treated as a female a lot less than I do now. I just want to transition NOW, start taking T NOW, start binding NOW... I love my job, I really do, but I wish my boss and co-workers saw me as the guy that I am, not the girl they assume I am. As much as I hate the way my body looks, it's a hundred times worse being treated as a female than looking like/sounding like a female. It just makes me want to stab myself. 

[nico_nico]

I think I'm going through that stage right now but with my impatience it will all just back fire on me in the end. I'm not sure what to say; I don't want to give the advice of "just grin and bear it", but that's all I've done so far in my life so that's the only experience I can draw on. I'm sorry I can't help you more, but I sure hope you figure out a way to relieve this stress. :[

[Megan Joanne]

Yeah, I went through those feelings too, thinking it would be easier just to get it all out in the open than to hide what I am, but far from it, too many people knew as was when I did come out, everybody at the job that I had at the time, one day I'm Michael, the next I come in as Megan. Well actually it wasn't that sudden since I had gradually started wearing more feminine tops (women's tee shirts, nothing drastic), misses' jeans and whatnot , as well as pretty colored nail polish, girly earrings and so on for a while, but I'm sure it felt sudden to all of them, and barely any took the change well. Only a couple were a bit sympathetic, but still knew I was alone in this, they'd never come to my defense and I didn't expect it, but from that point on I was treated much differently, most who were comfortable around me before were very uneasy once they saw the new me, and it got worst the longer I was there as her, I ended up because of being mistreated so badly by my bosses as well being shunned by most of my coworkers, having to quit, never to go back. Sure I could've fought it, but wasn't about to bring that kind of attention down on myself, the place was starting to suck anyway to work at.

I even thought about it now more recently as well, not coming out to everyone, but to those that I feel closest to at my current job. But you know, I know from past experience, there's a very good chance they will not be able to handle it, they would act differently towards me as others have in the past, and some may gossip, in which after that got started the whole town would know for sure, my life would be ruined (could also possibly be threated or killed outright by those willing to commit such an act), as well as my mom's, in this small town, no, no. As is probably more people know about me than I feel comfortable with. And also, I'm not looking to be looked at as transsexual anyway, I'm a woman, they don't need to know that I'm not physically all there, but that I look and present myself so, and I expect to be treated as any other woman, respectfully so.

[Devin87]

I've felt that way a lot, but it's not all that simple.  Then again, I'm a very secretive person.  There's a LOT about me I hide in my day-to-day life-- my gender identity, my religion (I teach at a Catholic school and if they found out I was really Jewish it'd make it difficult), the fact that my father's in jail, etc.  I'm used to keeping secrets and I've found, for me anyway, that it's just easier to keep them secret.  Once they get out, they get beyond your control.  More people know than you'd like and you don't always get the chance to explain it properly to each one.  Often times they'll hear it from someone else, who may not have all the details or may spin it however they'd like.  People start using this thing that means so much to you against you and making light of it.  You realize you weren't as ready as you thought.  Really that happens whenever you come out, and waiting won't change it, it'll just delay it, but you really should make sure you're completely ready and be prepared for the fallout.  It may seem like it'd be easier if everything was all out in the open, but you need to recognize complications that come from the secrets being out, too.  It's a necessary step, but I'm not sure it's any easier.

[hero_shinya]

I'm also really worried about this.  I've recently been hired overseas teaching English to young children.  I've met my boss once and I dressed slightly feminine when I met her for the interview.  I really want to tell her that I'm trans but I'm scared that she'll drop me.  I don't start the job until January so she'd still have time to look for a replacement. I want her to know before I start, but at the same time I'm terrified that I'll lose the job even before I start.

[N.Chaos]

Oh god, this. Yeah, I've been fighting with the idea of just posting a status update on FB explaining it all and saying to hell with anyone who had issues with it.

I'm afraid to though, because my dad doesn't know and I'm not even sure if I CAN tell him. Things with my dad...are weird. I'll probably be posting a bitchfit/vent/advice-seeking thing about it eventually, it's been on my mind ever since easter.

[Jeh]

I'm a pretty open person, but it still took me a few months to come out to a large number of people. I came out to my teachers in September, and started coming out to friends/classmates in January when I switched my name. I told a lot of people seperately and then ended up making one big post on facebook telling everyone last month.

I felt a lot of need to come out to people. I wanted to be treated as who I was, not who they thought I was. I have friends that know now, and I've been on T for 4 weeks and they are all excited to hear the voice changes and stuff. It's great to be able to go to a coffee shop and have a friend ask questions about what transitioning is like and actually care.

When I made the facebook post I got a lot of good responses, but a lot of my friends are also theatre folk, so they're pretty accepting. It might be different for you.

[N.Chaos]

Well, that's awesome that yours went so well. I seriously don't think mine could go horribly, all the people I know I know well and none of them are any kind of bigoted. Most likely, it'd be a bit of confusion, a lot of "Well, that makes everything make sense" and some awkward questions.
I'm still holding off on it though. I'm hoping to talk to my mom sometime soon about telling my dad, whether she thinks it's a good idea (or even possible).