Machismo and other masculinity.

[Wolf Man]

Aussie Jay, I haven't started T yet, but I am going to therapy. I actually talked to her today about this post and we're getting somewhere with it. I did mention that I feel that I carry some beliefs with me because I need them to feel secure in myself, as for others they are simply my own. I came to identify which ones today in therapy and it really pointed out to me which ones I have because I believe I need them to pass. I like to think that once I start T, I'll truly be on my way to becoming more confident in myself and putting some of these "beliefs" to rest because I won't need them for security. I hope to one day become so confident in myself that I'm like kyril's dad or any such man.

Lexia, I will admit that I see myself as no more than a sorry, weak, scum excuse for a man. I don't express that though.

[Aussie Jay]

I will admit that I see myself as no more than a sorry, weak, scum excuse for a man. I don't express that though.

I'm seriously curious and trying to understand, I hope I don't come across as being belligerent..

But mate, how can you say you feel secure or manly when you think the above sentence? Buddha - "The mind is everything. What you think you become." And someone else said you are who you pretend to be, so you better pretend to be someone you can live with.. I can't see how you can be a proud man and think that of yourself.

But kudos for talking about it with a therapist - that can only help IMO dude..

[Gabby]

Wolf man listen to these guys they are wise indeed.

[GentlemanRDP]

While your idea of masculinity isn't the way that I'd ever want to live, I respect and understand your feelings on the issue.

That being said, I actually rebel against the masculine stereotypes of my own culture, that being American. In America, Men are viewed as the king of their castle, with a beautiful trophy wife at their side. Guys are burly and tough, and protect their woman, they don't cry and generally don't have feelings, they're all muscle-headed jocks, and are there to take care of broken appliances, jars that the woman can't unscrew, and cars. They all stuff their faces full of chips and buffalo wings while they scream at football games with Uncle Charlie. Guys aren't allowed to be sensitive, or artistic, or emotional.

I can't stand being this way though.

I'm flamboyant, especially for a straight guy, and a lot of men look down on me for that, they tell me that I'm not real and that I'm just a lesbian who doesn't like being treated like a girl. In a way, I kind of wish that I could blend in, but I know that it's not me, and I don't want to pretend, so I've adjusted to being that weird overly artistic guy who splashes paint on his clothes, wears tight vinyl pants, sports something between a fauxhawk and an A-line, and makes jewelry out of his home. Yeah.

I guess, I disregard masculinity since it doesn't fit me.

[Berserk]

Aussie Jay, I haven't started T yet, but I am going to therapy. I actually talked to her today about this post and we're getting somewhere with it. I did mention that I feel that I carry some beliefs with me because I need them to feel secure in myself, as for others they are simply my own. I came to identify which ones today in therapy and it really pointed out to me which ones I have because I believe I need them to pass. I like to think that once I start T, I'll truly be on my way to becoming more confident in myself and putting some of these "beliefs" to rest because I won't need them for security. I hope to one day become so confident in myself that I'm like kyril's dad or any such man.

Lexia, I will admit that I see myself as no more than a sorry, weak, scum excuse for a man. I don't express that though.

I think this post of yours best highlights my thoughts on machismo. This sort of hyper-masculinity for the sole sake of being seen as "strong" and "manly" is something I see as the result of personal insecurity. Because a person feels insecure, but doesn't want to be seen as insecure, they try to overcompensate. This is fairly common among abusive spouses/parents, and particularly fathers/husbands, and unfortunately it becomes a vicious cycle if one party doesn't decide to nip it in the bud before it gets out of control. Men are brought up to think that they need to act a certain way in order to be "manly" and "powerful," yet the reality is that everyone has their weaknesses and insecurities, no matter what your gender is. But because many men are encouraged to hide their weakness and insecurity, they may becoming overly aggressive or violent when they feel they are being challenged or when they want to exert their "power" and largely because they feel trapped within those insecurities/weaknesses and aren't able to express that for fear of being seen as "feminine" or "weak."

I realised a few years ago that my biggest weakness as a teenager was the facade of strength and control that I created around myself, and that was the reason for many of the problems I brought on myself. It was only when I came to terms with my weaknesses instead of hiding them so obsessively that I finally calmed down and was able to be myself a little more instead of being so concerned about what others thought. I think many of us have to deal with this at one point in life. But ask yourself why you want to be stone-faced, externally "tough" and "take care of women." Are you "taking care" of them for them or for your own peace of mind? My guess is the latter.

I think that's the main issue both in the whole "white knight" thing many guys try to pull off as well as the typical "macho" guy. Both equally as destructive, imo. In the end the facade is more about you and your insecurities than anyone else or your supposed responsibilities towards them.

It's great you're talking to your therapist about this. It shows that you've at least been able to identify this in yourself and are willing to step back and take a look at yourself and who you thought you were or needed to be. Introspection is important. Good luck!