Comming out to a friend before family?

[justme19]

Heyyy
I still have not come out to family yet as most of you no, and im still really strugling to do that! But I was thinking, there is this friend, who I would trust with my life, she is iraplacable. (Did not spell that right, feel free to correct) I feel like I could come out to her very easily and I really do think she would except me and just be sombody that could be really supportive during transition.

I Just have this guilty feeling in my mind though if I come out to a friend before family, it's kind of guilt/batrail feeling, hard to explain.

Im still quite young and live with my family so this is a pretty big deal.

So im wondering has anybody come out to a friend before they came out to there family? How did they react, did you have a guility feeling doing this, because your family said they would always be there for you? Or did it just really help getting that first stepping stone out of the way??

Hope all this makes sencse, as im feeling really sick and have had lots of pain killers today, I shall re read it in the morning to make sure it does

Let me know, thankssss!

[Padma]

I think you should come out to the people you feel safe to come out to, and let that give you the confidence to work your way up the list of people you feel less safe with. Trust your instinct, not your guilt. And don't worry too much about spelling . I told a number of close friends before I told my brother - even though I was kind of sure he'd be okay about it, he and I are really close, and it made it more "loaded". Do it your way - the happier you are when it comes to telling your family, the easier it will go. Probably!

[jainie marlena]

Yes, start with people you can trust. I slowly came out. the word is spredding and it is helping me transition. I can feel people acting different around me. not in a bad way either. I even told my supervisor at work. I felt that I could trust him now we talk all the time, but getting a ride to work from him my have something to do with that.

[MarinaM]

I told family first, then my closest friends, then I dropped the bomb on everyone else. I feel like I did it the right way, even though I was ignored by my family until my friends all knew and embraced me.

[Susan Kay]

Everybody's situation, family and friends are different. My wife knew what I knew 28 years ago, before we were married. It's just that I didn't know then what I know now - I wouldn't have married had I. I told my oldest friend (and still best non-marrage friend) 45 years ago. Others close were told last year as I started into real life, then not so close friends and acquaintances. Almost to a person, the not so close ones have disappeared. Not such friends as I had thought. As for family, even a couple of them have retreated. But as one person who responded early told me, "Real friends care only about you!"

It seems to me if you have a very good close friend that you share with, she can be a real asset as you work others into the know. Regardless, you will feel better when you have told the people closest to you, whether they wind up being with you, against you, or just ambiviolent. Not knowing is worse. And maybe that is the pain you are trying to kill.

Susan Kay

[-CRaSH-]

Actually that's a pretty good idea. Do it.

[kim_k]

Yes, while it might seem a little unfortunate, often it is safer and more comforting to come out to a good friend before a family member. You can't really choose who your family may be, but you can choose which among your peers you feel will best be able to handle the news and will be most supportive and constructive along your journey.

I definitely came out first to my friends, but I have very little family and we are not close at all, so I'm the best example per se.

[justme19]

Thanks everyone for your helpfull and detailed reaplys
I have not come out to her yet, but I do plan to in the next fews days. And it's not that I don't feel safe comming out to my mum, I just want to see a friends reaction first, I think it will help me understand how to come out to family I hope.
Thankss all

[Herwinteress]

Heyyy
I still have not come out to family yet as most of you no, and im still really strugling to do that! But I was thinking, there is this friend, who I would trust with my life, she is iraplacable. (Did not spell that right, feel free to correct) I feel like I could come out to her very easily and I really do think she would except me and just be sombody that could be really supportive during transition.

I Just have this guilty feeling in my mind though if I come out to a friend before family, it's kind of guilt/batrail feeling, hard to explain.

Im still quite young and live with my family so this is a pretty big deal.

So im wondering has anybody come out to a friend before they came out to there family? How did they react, did you have a guility feeling doing this, because your family said they would always be there for you? Or did it just really help getting that first stepping stone out of the way??

Hope all this makes sencse, as im feeling really sick and have had lots of pain killers today, I shall re read it in the morning to make sure it does

Let me know, thankssss!

I recently came out to a good friend of mine.  He's been very supportive and can somewhat speak from experience as he came out as a Gay Man (non-trans) about 10 years ago.  We both come from the same ethnic background and he perfectly understood how being "different' in our family's culture is a major no-no.  He has given me the strength and insight into how best to approach immediate family first, what worked (and didn't) in his case, and what to possibly expect.

Opening up to someone who could empathize I found to be very, very helpful.  It didn't hurt that we are very close and he is a very understanding person too.

[Sabriel Facrin]

I think it's natural to come out to a friend before family, and I've ended up doing it myself.  A family subtly pressures you with expectations, even if they don't mean to, especially from the parents.  Although you form a bond with your friends, you don't get the same kind of pressure as you do from your family.  It makes coming out very hard...the only reason I managed to come out to my parents is because they found out that I had clothes that weren't men's clothes. (Protip: Try to get it on more intentional terms.  Goes over much better.  I also told my dad, who seemed like he could take it much easier, and he helped calm my mom down because she was the one who found the clothes suddenly.)
I don't know how well you pass as birth-male, but my friends weren't surprised at all when I came out to them, and I think it will probably be the same for you, especially for a friend you feel so close with.  That, I think, will make it easier.

As for reactions, I'm sorry to say this, but there's just no good measurement.  Some people will take it very well, some people won't.  There's two strong factors that work with your parents, though: The love of a mother and father is very persistant, and they will still care about you even if they hate transexualism. (My mom took it especially hard) However, on the flip side, it's really hard to accept that your child ended up transexual.  It can be eased up by letting them know that it's not something that they screwed up in raising you with.
Remember to give anyone you tell time, try to be clear, and don't opress your transexualism or their cisgender nature.

[Ann Onymous]

However, on the flip side, it's really hard to accept that your child ended up transexual.  It can be eased up by letting them know that it's not something that they screwed up in raising you with.

IMO, one does not 'end up' as transsexual but rather is born that way...in other words, it is NOT a nature v nurture argument.  And that regard, the second sentence above is correct...nothing that they could have done would have altered the outcome for the true transsexual.   

As to OP's question about family or friend first, much really depends on how close one is to the family or to the friends. 

[Sabriel Facrin]

Ah, I'm sorry about that! >.< It's one of the first things I've learned, on being born that way.  I didn't mean to make the bad implication, and I'll try to be more careful.