Do not lie to yourself, your transgender hurts your kids

[kate durcal]

My children are very supportive. One son will defend me to death, the other one supports me but keeps distance from the issue. Both of my daughters support me but are very adamant about keeping their "Dad." All are teen angers or early 20's.

I have been open and upfront to them since they were young, and yes they support and understand, but contrary to what meany Ts/TGs post say, they do suffer from being teased by neighbor kids and school mates. This feels me sorrow, shame, and anguish. We should acknowledge this fact and talk about ways to mitigate this injustice

Kate D

[cynthialee]

It is not the same but I grew up in the 80's with an out, loud and proud lesbian mother. Most of the time my mom never came up and it was a none issue. Yes some kids made it an issue and I even got into a fight or 2 because of it. However I learned things by having a dyke mom that I never would have learned in a straight home.

It is a chalenge to be the child of an 'odd' parent but it is not earth shatering and it doesn't ruin a childs life.

[envie]

Hello Kate,

I am sorry your kids are being teased by the neighbors and schools mates. I myself have a 2 your old daughter and wonder what will her experience be like when she start school one day.

But I hear in your post a tone of self blame:  "Do not lie to yourself, your transgender hurts your kids".
If your children are understanding and supportive of you then your transgender is not hurting them but the ignorance of the neighborhood and the school.
There might be a way to address the issue with the class teacher or school principal and talk to your neighbors about their child's behavior.
Lately there has been a lot of anti-bulling activism within schools after the recent surge of teen suicides so you might just have a good timing to bring up the issue at your children's school.

While these strategies might be limited, your children might benefit from some counseling as to how to strengthen their resilience in face of bulling/teasing.
Even if they win support of some of the kids that might have great impact on the rest of the teasers as well as boost your children's confidence.

I hope the challenge makes you all just become stronger and grow together!

[Janet_Girl]

I'm sorry, but in this day and age it is unfortunate that if it was about their parent being trans it would be about their hair color or eye color or some other stupid thing.

Face it.  Bullies are bullies because they lack something.  Call it proper social skills, common courtesy, or brains.  Bullies billy period.  And when adults do it, it is plain stupid with no social skills.

[Sephirah]

The only sure way to disarm a bully is to take away the thing they expect to gain from doing it. Namely, the embarrassment or shame or pain they expect one to feel at the hands of their remarks.

Take this away and they have nowhere to go. It's like when someone argues furiously with you and you answer them by being nice and friendly. They don't know what to do with that because it was neither something they were expecting or had prepared for. They wanted a battle, and you can't fight with just yourself.

There's an old saying: "Give someone enough rope and they will eventually hang themselves."

Bullies only continue to do what they do when they consider the focus of their taunts to be a viable target, when they think their exploits will have an effect.

Give your kids love and attention, show them that being who you are is nothing to be ashamed of, explain why the taunts and teasing have no relevance to either them or you and give them the confidence and security to avoid getting into battles of wits with unarmed opponents. When the bullies see their taunts are falling on deaf ears, and that the only people they're making look foolish are themselves, they'll stop.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora ,

It would seem Valerie and I have a similar outlook when it comes to our children's welfare...

I moved away to complete my transition, but still had/have regular contact with my children...The reason why I moved, was for my ex and my children's privacy and not to cause them any awkward or embarrassing  moments with their friends and neighbours...My line of thinking was "Why should they be put into a position of having to run the social gauntlet of ignorance and ridicule on my behalf !"  I had no wish to put them through this, they had already suffered enough ...

However I didn't move far, but far enough so has not to having any interaction with friends and neighbours, but close enough for my children to visit  me on a regular bases...When they were younger they would come and stay with me for the school holidays and most weekends...

For my situation this arrangement has worked out quite well, there are only a handful of people in my new environment who know of my past and they are quite laid back and don't care, and the vast majority have just known me as a "women" who has four children, so when they're with me things are "normal" ...Mind you nowadays they are scattered all over the place, one lives in Asia another in Europe two in NZ one in the same city and the other in another city...

So as you can see my arrangement has worked for all concerned...I'm happy and they're happy and no nosy neighbours or inquisitive friends...However some of my children have told some of their close friends, in fact my oldest when he was at Uni one of his roommate's parents was also "transgender" M2F...So they had a lot to talk about and compare notes...

It's not easy I know, but one has to do what they feel is best for their children[and in my case also my ex] and for me this was the better of two evils...

Metta Zenda    

[kate durcal]

Hi, all,

Thank you so much for posting. It is refreshing to see other views and other stories of sacrifice.

Envie,

You are so right, I am so full of self blame, remorse, shame, anger, and anguish. Yet, paradoxical, I am so full of hope and dreams, for my children as well as for me.

Like some of you i would have distance from children to spare them from society brutish and cruel bullying. Regretfully they do not have a Mother, their biological mother is the one who out me with the whole city and neighborhood. She is a sick and evil woman.
Love,

Kate D

[ToriJo]

I suspect it can go both ways.  Nobody has perfect parents - everyone has baggage and would have had an easier life if something about their parents was different.

That said, teaching children about being strong enough to be who you really are when the world wants to tell you something else is valuable to them.  So is teaching about the value of letting other people describe and defined themselves rather than be stereotyped.  Your kids may be hurt.  But they also might be the change that the world so desperately needs.

I can't imagine what it is like to have to think about the impact of my actions on children, and I have tremendous respect for those of you who love your children to the extent that you would sacrifice your own dreams and desires.  But I also think that sometimes your example might be just as powerful of a lesson.  Only you can figure out what is important and not, and which lessons your children need to see.  But don't assume that living honestly only has bad consequences for your kids.

[Just Shelly]

Geez thanks just what I needed to read.

This very subject is killing me. In all honest I think my children will accept me, but the hell others will put them through. This is such BS.

I think back to when I was in school, I know damn well I didn't have some of the values and morals I have today, and was probably even homophobic (especially with hiding my gid) but if I knew some kids parent was trans, gay, lesbian, queer....................I could of gave a sh** as long as they were nice and wern't over the top.

I know this isn't as true today, I feel already with the way I present myself some parents are concerned with their child's friends dad (ME)or what ever he is ya its probably all in my head but I can't help but think this. and yes I hate calling myself he disgusts me.

[Melody Maia]

I would say Transgender has an impact on your kids. It has an impact on everybody really. However, I would say on the flip-side I was hurting my son more by NOT transitioning and being honest with myself and those around me. I could be irritable, short-tempered and disagreeable. I would have been dead by 50 too. It is NOT a choice between a happy status quo and transitioning. It is a choice between a dad who was an unhappy and incomplete person and a dad who transitioned to female who is happier and confident and wants to live as long as she can in her new life.

[Joelene9]

Kate and the other transsexual parents,
  I do admire you.  I did not even date because of my condition and the fear that if I married and had children, they will get the brunt of the playground teasings if I decided to transition.  I was on the receiving end of those playground taunts and after school beatings because I was very thin and cried easily.  I really didn't want to pass that on to my children. 
  I just sat by and read your entries here and the pain you all went through with your spouses and children.  My journey alone was no picnic either.  I would wake up in the middle of the night hearing the inner voice say "Why aren't you married?" or "Where are your children?"  These would keep me awake for awhile, usually till wake-up time, 2-4 hours of sleep a night.  The alarm function on my clock was never used.  I guess that (You) have made a better decision to marry your sweethearts and take the chances than I did alone. 
  Joelene.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora,

  As trans-parents we all have to make the best of whatever situation we find ourselves in...
We didn't ask to be born with this condition, and our partners and children also didn't sign up for a trans-parent/partner...

Each of my children have asked the same question "If you knew you were transgender...Why did you get married and have children?" I explained to them I've always wanted children and that I really did "love" their mother and thought I could make a go of living as a male...And for the most part they accept this, but I know that in their hearts if they had a choice, they would sooner have a "normal" dad-which is understandable...But they have made the best of the situation they have found themselves in and I'm grateful for this...

However, if ones children and partner can cope, and you can make a go of it, staying together as a family unit, then good on you "be out and proud",
But as long as you still live in the same place, interact with the same people who knew the old you, you can only be "out and proud"...

I might be comfortable with my past, but I really don't want it to be in my face everyday, like slip of the tongue wrong pronoun or old name being used when interacting with locals who knew the old me...

Now for some trans-people they are quite comfortable with this and if this is the case then I wish them well...I would have loved to have my cake and eat it[remain a family unit], but it wasn't to be...

Metta Zenda

[vanna]

Goodness

i have nothing to offer except my upmost respect to you all becoming who you are inside and managing relationships with children

i never had such barriers just trying to not show up family was enough, i feel for you all

[Julie Marie]

I once read, "Parents hurt their kids, all parents."  And I thought about it for a while and I had to agree.  No matter how hard we try, we will fail them at times.  Kids want to be the center of the universe, all kids.  And that's a tough thing to juggle.  On one hand you want to give them what they need and protect them.  On the other hand you know the school of hard knocks teaches some pretty effective lessons.  And it's up to us to find a balance.

My dad and I had a very rocky relationship for decades.  After I became a parent, our relationship got better.  By the time he passed we couldn't have been closer.  At first I thought he changed.  Later I realized I was the one who changed.  I understood why he did what he did once I was confronted with the hardest job you'll ever love - parenting.

Kate, your kids don't need you to do what they want or what their friends expect.  Your kids need you to guide them, help them weather the storms better and teach them what's truly important and what's not.  Conformity only encourages weakness.  "I'll do what is expected so people won't pick on me."  The conformist's mantra.  Don't fall for it.  It can become a prison.

Society is schizophrenic.  "March to the tune of a different drummer.  Be yourself.  Be a leader, not a follower.  As long as you walk, talk, look and act like everyone else."  No wonder there are so many therapists out there.  Teach them the former and show them the insanity of the latter. 

As long as you remain there for them, be their rock, they will do fine.

[bs98241]

i dont know... there are children who go thru a lot of things nowadays... being molested by parents and siblings, being put into cages beaten, given away, ill treasted, nbot taken care of, always put on the back burner.. and the list goes on. i am a female SO of a ftm and we have 2 toddlers and one on the way. everyone in our community knows about us and we are very open about our lifestyle- we have been lucky enough to have supportive friends and family members. im sure people talk about us, but no one has had the balls to say it to our face... having said this, im sure as our children grow up they will have some issues to deal with because of this. but the only thing i can make sure of is that if they ever feel bad about anything in their lives, that it wont be becasue they went without or because we didnt care about them. all we can do is be there and be supportive and hope that as they grow into adults they will come to understand that in the end  everyone has the right to live a life that makes them happy and not be smothered or be second class based on what others say or think about them. and i  will encourage them to also live that kind of life as well! so i will not be feeling guilty about anything because we are going to do the best we can we are dedicated to our children. at the same time, i know i cannot speak for parents who have children before they transitioned. i know they say it is easier if you do it when they are smaller and i know that with us being together it should be easier as well other than one parent being transition and the other living a completly different kind of life. my heart goes out to all those parents who are not accepted at the face value of what they have done as parents just because now they are transitioned.

[kate durcal]

I am so regretting that I did not initiated this thread early, because the out pour of good advice has been such a blessing, good, good advice, thank yo all for sharing and advising.

I have been thinking in sending a letter to the local newspaper asking them to run a feature on the advances in our understanding of GID so as to educate -or attempt- the local community. Does anybody knows if there as organization that will send an speaker to a local library or school. Do you think that the school system would allow an speaker on this topic? thought? Ideas?

Love,

Kate

[bs98241]

i think that would be an awesome idea! it depends on where u live tho, some people will just not allow it... i live in a small town in NC so here it wouldnt happen... but it sure would be nice.. the most we can do around hereis watch  OPRAH or chaz bono on the OWN network or lisa ling! i think its all in how u look at it tho... i think we are high class people and anyone who steps to my kids like that will be in for a rude awakening!

[Arch]

A lot of things hurt kids and impel other children to tease them. The problem is with the teasers, and there are some effective ways to deal with them, especially if their targets are older kids. It can be harder for little ones. For instance, when I was seven and kids were telling me that my father was going to die in Vietnam, I had no idea how to respond. By my teenage years, I had started using the non-response to taunts. I wasn't perfect or consistent with this technique, but it worked pretty well, and I wish I'd known about it when I was smaller.

[YinYanga]

i think we are high class people

Too bad the world laughs at that and thinks we're not, but like you said...they don't always say it, but they will always hint at it

Zenda, I really loved to read your story..I dont have any children but I like that your choices have worked out well, probably mostly in the way you wanted in that your kids are doing well . And you make curls look good! *hates my own curlies*

[Anatta]

Zenda, I really loved to read your story..I dont have any children but I like that your choices have worked out well, probably mostly in the way you wanted in that your kids are doing well . And you make curls look good! *hates my own curlies*

Kia Ora ,

  Thanks YinYanga, I had no choice when it comes to my curly hair, my father was Afro Caribbean and mother Anglo-Saxon, as a small child I longed for straight hair and white skin like all my friends had, but now I've learnt to appreciate my natural all year round milk coffee tan and curly hair that doesn't cost me a cent to maintain...    

  In regards to my situation, a lot of credit goes to the children's mother, who when they were young once told me it was up to our children whether or not they wanted to still see me and either way she would fully support their decision...

Because of this my children have remained "balanced" they are all doing well, two are already through university, another's in their second year, the other has just spent time in South America as an exchange student and will be starting university next year, so having a "distant" trans-parent has not impacted on their social development ...

Fortunately the unconditional love we all share has made it possible for things to work out...

When I transitioned I did so to be treated as a  "normal" run of the mill  female, and not to be a trans advocate... So my decision to move away but still maintain a good strong loving relationship with all my children as enabled me to do/be this..."To be who I am" no strings attached...I can and still do support the trans-community on certain levels, but I don't have to wear the "T" shirt out in public...And my ex and children are not subjected to first degree interrogation about their trans-parent/ex partner, they can disclose information as and when they feel the need to...

It's my responsibility to protect their privacy and not put them into the firing line...

"Different strokes for different folks!" Whatever works for the trans-parent, is what works for trans-parent!


Metta Zenda