just my thought

[jessicas37]

This is more of a personal post i just have so much on my mind and no one to talk to. This will be ramble and hopefully not piss anyone off.

every since my most early memories i have known i am different. I literally remember being in pre school and thinking to myself that i wanted to trade place's with a girl in my class she got to wear all the neat cloths and didnt have to wear a tie. i have a younger brother who is approximatly 2 years younger then me in 37 he 35 and grew up in what most would call a love-less family. not saying i was hated but my father was a  ex marine drill sargent/current truck driver. So he had his own idea of what a man was. i guess i was just expected to like and enjoy sports because of my fathers and brother obsession but i just could ever like any aspect of it. So i was automatically set apart from them from the start. I was in a constant state of fear at an early age of anyone finding out my dreaded secret. by the tim elementary school specifically 5th i knew unequivically that i would never fit in with anyone. I couldnt understand/play sports had no friends and kept to myself. It was at this age i was introduced to a commodore 64 computer and i was just in love. For once i found something i could do that no one else could. Fall 85 i made it national finals on a program i wrote on my little c64. a few years after i had been saving for almost 11 months i had enough money to buy a 300 baud modem and get 1 month of compuserv.....of course it was basically 24node(incoming lines) bbs where you could just chat......my first sn was jessica and my wildest dreams has just come true. i was 13 and the online world(all 500 of us at the time) saw me for the female i was in spirit if not in body. I would retreat to this world as often as possible and would sometimes chat for hours/days at time. I was popular and respected and no one was the wiser. and why not enjoy enjoy this world more then the real world ? Hell in the real world i was shy/picked on by  everyone and to scared to do anything about it. My school life was a constant fear of who was gonna hutt me that day. by the middle of my 7th grade year i was picked on so much the home ec teacher let me have lunch/recess in her home room with her. like everyone else on here or alot of you i kept thinking something is wrong with me why am i like but i was to petrified to ever tell anyone. So i would try to do more "Guy" like things even though i hated sports my 8th grade year i tried to play baseball and was made the entire laughing stock of school when some kid "pants" me in front of the whole class(co ed). Which only reinforced in me why i should try to stay in my own world where i am wanted. Around this time counselor at school called my father and told him what had been going on with me and requested i should see a doctor. Thats great, so while i am laying on the floor blleding while i am getting stomped i should be saying "thank you should i roll over so you may kick my back". So having the great parents that i have i was enrolled for high a local christian school. so i lost my online and my computer as they were "tools of the devil". After 1 year (beginning of my sophomore year) the school closed. so i got to go back to public high school. The thoughts and feeling about myself have not dimished but intesified. I have no way to express them except delve deeper into my own imagination. I will sit in my room for hours and pretend to be reading one of my beloved dragonlance books but just really dreaming of a unatainable life. During this time more then once i was convince myself i had to tell my father even though i knew i would get beat/hurt/disowend or just laughed out of the house. But i never would, i would always say to myself next weekend,after the holidays,this summer ect... so it never happend. I actually one night was out walking by myself as i always did whenever i could and i came across a young girl (my age) sitting on a bench crying. Being as how she looked like the type that had made my life hell in school i was about to pass by...I couldnt, i had to console her or at least offer a helping hand. we spent hours that night talking and actually became quick friends a few weeks later we went out on first date and a short time later i lost my virginity, i was 15. On my first sexually expierance she got pregnant. I was devastated and overjoyed at the same time. Devastated because in that instance i knew whould never be what/whom i truely was...overjoyed because i had created life I had brought into this world a light that would forever shine. i now knew what unselfish unconditional love was like..and i would do anything to support my new family. I stayed in HS and graduated but she dropped out to help watch baby and never let me forget it. While i was in college (programming major/physics minor) and working full time i was neglecting the one thing i did all that for and slowly the world fell apart. needless to say i recieved full custody of my son and my wife got weekend visits. Now was the full blown weight that i could never transisiton or risk loosing him all together. I would order clothes and dress and fell wonderful with my fantasy but then all of a sudden get scared and thrown away all my clothes and not go back to those websites for months. I bet i averaged 4 or 5 of the same wig every year. during this time i openen up a retail computer store and quickly more started to follow. By the time i was 32 i had 16 stores in 6 states. and i was still the most miserable person in the world. i currently have 194 employees who rely on me for their livelihood. i am out in the public alot so have a prominat face. I know my fate is sealed....i dream that one day i will be able to achive my dream but i know i cannot be selfish and risk the people who depend on me. i try in secret i self medicate estrofem and proscar ( i cant say how much rules you know) but the avg amount. This is another of my ever changing decisions every jan i but estrofem and quit taking in june. for that 6 months each i look SOOO forward each day to taking those pills. even though besides a little nipple tenderness nothing has changed but the mental effect is better than anything i have known.

I really apologize for this ramble i just have no one else to talk to and probably never will. OP if you want to delete this whole post it is fine with me i just need to vent a little. Sorry for the poor english (but have you ever met a programmer who could spell)..........

[MarinaM]

Will you be kind to a lady who reads all day and dissect that paragraph? I read On The Road once already I will be glad to be of actual help if you do so.

[Sabriel Facrin]

I apologize for my post prior to this modification.  It was deprived of any of the proper grace I strive for....Nonetheless, I went ahead and sent her a personally corrected version...I hope to see you on the forums, Jessica.  I think having someone who you can be open with entirely is important in life!

[Re: Joyce]

"i currently have 194 employees who rely on me for their livelihood. i am out in the public alot so have a prominat face. I know my fate is sealed....i dream that one day i will be able to achive my dream but i know i cannot be selfish and risk the people who depend on me."

     You did not legally adopt these people, they work for you.  Believe me, for most of them, it's a job and not much more.  If they got a much better deal tomorrow, they'd be gone.

      If you're truly concerned about their well being, you'll learn more about self medicating and realize that you're at a very high risk of deep vein thrombosis (DVT), blood clots or a stroke.  You might be dead before you hit the floor in that event.

      The best thing for you to do is to seek out an experienced gender therapist (GT) to help you sort out your own feelings and beliefs about yourself.  They can help you discover the best solution for you. 

       My situation is not that much different from yours.  I reached this point a few years ago and had the (false) belief that I could never transition and keep my businesses and careers. 

       I learned about Lynn Conway's website:  http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TSsuccesses.html

      I saw the photos of all those successful women who'd transitioned and achieved success and realized that I could, too.  That changed the direction of my life.

       Several years later, I have successfully transitioned and still have everything I had before.  Not everyone is this fortunate, but being the woman I was meant to be is sooo worth it.  In fact, I'm better at business and all facets of my life now.  I've eliminated all the anxiety that never quits from being trans.  I have a clear mind now and I can think.  I am a better businesswoman than ever before.  Several of my employees tell me that my transition has been a real inspiration to them.  I have made a difference in their life (by transitioning).  I know, because they have told me this.

       Do not let your business success prevent you from pursuing treatment for your condition.  Instead, let it provide you the means to do so.  Change your weaknesses into your strengths.  Anyone with 194 employees should be able to figure that one out.  LOL

       I'm glad you found us, I hope you will be, too.

[jessicas37]

Sara,

Absolutely wonderful ....I thank you so much for the much needed editing. I come from a time when "free style journaling" was taught and it has just stuck with me.

Joyce,

I fully understand and appreciate what you are saying, but in a way on one point i disagree. From humble beginnings of one location with 2 sales people and 2 technicians

to what i have now. I make a concentrated effort to know everyone of my employees as much as possible. I want / no expect any employee from just hired to first hire to

call my cell phone and speak with me directly on what can be done to within the company to improve it. I consider them all family though i do conceede that if they got a

much better deal tommorow, they'd be gone. But i would hope they would share that success with everyone so we could all celebrate and wish them well together.

Some shops like one in louisville for instance have only 2 people to run the entire show and those same 2 have been their since 2005. And though it pains me a great deal

by 2012 i will closing 7 stores and close to 72 people will be loosing their jobs. The market for computer repair is gone...computers are a simple commodity and their

profitability has passed beyond the scope of the small business.

                Your second point,
                                               I have spoken with a counselor whom i have been seeing for years and she knows and understands the trouble i cope with everyday,

understandably she echo's your sentiments almost to the word.  I am in a constant fear of DVT though i am relativly healthly. I try to reassure myself by saying that if only

a very small percent of people have that happen maybe i will get lucky and have not be me. I know their are many tombstones out their of girls whom have thought the

same thing, but as they say "the most believable lies are the ones we tell ourselves."

As for myself i am 37 5"7 252lbs really thinning hair on top(though the proscar is making a huge difference). i quit smoking in 2006 and went from 169lbs to 280lbs in less

then a year. It has taken awhile but i am slowly starting to loose it all back. I dont have bad eating habbits just no metabilism(i dream of mt dew but has been 2 years

since i had one). I guess this is where alot of my despair comes into play. I have the body of a short/fat/bald man when i want to be anything but....

I am not sure if you are familiar with melanie anne phillips? her story is one i have read many times and found alot of insight and parrelism(is that a word) with my life.


Thank you all so much for the positive feedback....................

[Re: Joyce]

Jessica,

     I do understand your thoughts and feelings.  Would you at least pursue seeing a Doctor to get a prescription for the right hormones?  If you have a counselor, they can write a recommendation and there are many Doctors who'll work with you.

     I found a wonderful, caring Doctor to work with and this has really cleared up my medical issues.

     Regardless what you look like, changes can be made over time that can make a big difference.  Congrats on not being a smoker.  I used to be one, myself, and know how difficult that battle is.

     You don't have to be rail-thin to be a woman.  They come in all shapes and sizes. 

     You'll also find that true friends will love you and respect you for who you truly are inside, not what you look like.

      Take it easy, take it slow and please do it right.  It's not worth the risk, when the right way is so simple.

[spacial]

jessicas

I also really enjoyed your story. I'm sure that, along with many others, parts of it hit home.

I also have to agree that you have a responsibility to yourself. But I do strongly believe we each have a responsiblity to those around us.

Some people can, frankly, take a running jump. But for many, we have strong or weak, formal or informal relationships. In any case, we are part of their lives as they are ours. Even such an informal relationship as being long term neighbours. Of such close relationships are being family members upon whom we are on good trms.

I have carefully thought about my own situation and decided that I do have to consider all of them. My neighbours, for example, are friends. Not close, but I know them all, I know I can rely upon any of them in a crisis as they can for me. My dear wife, without whom I wouldn't be here.

None of these important considerations should be seen as dictating anything. But we are more than individuals. We are part of those around us. We need to consider the effect of our actins of them.

Perhaps, the effect of your transision might be even more positive than it will be for you? But I think you're right to think about it.

[MarinaM]

The gravity we create simply by being true to ourselves is astounding. I was ready to discount everyone, was prepared to become alone, homeless, and shunned.  I have never, ever, in my entire life, been who I was trying to be in order to fit in. Professionally my success was limited (but above average), my superiors could all see through me and they were right to hold me back, but my peers were intimidated by my intellect and work ethic. I was not human enough to "be all I could be."

To my surprise, when I came out everyone came back, they saw me happy again (the brief flashes of happy that cemented our relationships in the first place). Everything got worse for a time, but my future is looking so much better. This event has strengthened my family, torn apart my marriage (but improved our relationship), and improved my working contacts. Sometimes we over think these things, and rightfully so, we all have to carefully deduce which reality is the lie and why we are so torn about it. For some of us who we are, the past person we were, and the future person we intend to be are not all mutually exclusive, and this may be your situation.

Your story is in ways similar to my own, in other ways it is very different, but that's generally par for the course.