Oh, Mothers... Advice?

[nineofspades]

*If you want to skip reading the long-version go to The Dilemma*

So, I'm a newb here. I've creeping around the site for a while now, but I never felt the urge to register, but now, I need some advice, and it's hard to find the advice I need from the people around me. I don't know if this is in the right place, but bear with me.

I've known as long as I can remember that I wasn't a girl. It just took me a long time to get myself to accept that. I finally cracked. Anyway, long story short I came out to my mum - well, sort of. I told her that I liked girls, thinking she'd take that better, and maybe I could ease her into it, except she took that pretty bad. When we finally got around to talking again, she said I should wait until I was 18. Fair enough, that's not too far away. But obviously that wasn't the main issue, and I was pretty depressed at the beginning of the school year about everything: being in a girl's body and that when I got around to coming out, I'd be in Uni, and it'd be that much harder for the people I know now to accept me if I ever had the chance to reappear in their lives (I like the friends I've got, they're good, hard-working, intelligent people). Anyway, she confronted me, asked if I wanted to be a guy, and I said yes.
I'm currently in therapy. My dad knows about it, though we never discuss it. I think we're just too afraid to tackle it, because we're on really good terms, and I've always been the "good" child that he loves more. I really am his ideal child - don't do drugs, drink, smoke, nor party, and I'm in IB (i.e. a nerd) and I'm good-tempered, well-adjusted and volunteer. Like all good citizens should *rolls eyes*. We just don't see it the same, and would rather not ruin anything.

I've recently been more slack about my clothes, picking out the more masculine ones. Recently, I  got my hair cut "short" (long guy hair or cute bob, depending on styling - people say it looks nice, some even suggested I go shorter) and my mum wasn't happy, even though I warned her, and she said okay, and I slowly progressed from my long hair into this new cut. She's been really forceful about whether I'm happy yet, because apparently she's not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Dilemma:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today my mum said she was tired of me looking horrible, and that if I was going to be a guy to just go out and get some new guy clothes, at least to look better. I said okay. She exploded, saying I was killing her daughter - which is impossible. I'm not "killing" myself in any way. I sorted out my angst years ago now. I think I'm in a better place emotionally than I've been in a long time. She doesn't see that, she only sees her own problem with it. She's slowly been more and more depressed for about 5 years now, but I've NEVER had her say that she'd kill herself. She did that today. Point Blank.
I usually give her space when she's upset, and just ease up on what I expect from her, do small favours and the like. But I can't do that with this. She got mad at me once for not disclosing all of my feelings - I didn't explain to her that I knew about the ftm community beforehand, and I was pretty well-versed in the technical aspects of what I felt. To my defence, I have a really hard time opening up about things surrounding this issue and I'm always fearful that if I disclose too much, I could end up getting hurt emotionally. How am I supposed to say to her that I am quite serious about transitioning - and that even if I am not 100% certain that I am a guy, I know with 1000% certainty that I'm not a girl, and I think I'd feel a lot better as a guy, so I'd like to slowly move in that direction - if she's always attacking me about it. She uses it against me, and she knows it's my weak spot. I tell her that it's not okay for her to do that, and she doesn't listen, just goes on complaining that I'm "obsessed" or whatever.

I'm not totally comfortable talking about this with the people I know, and I am not quick-witted enough to be able to defend myself in a spontaneous argument (and I'm not about to go and start an argument just so I can defend my perspective). So how should I address this? I'm not trying to make her out as the bad guy, but it's getting really complicated and frustrating, because I haven't even come out to my friends or even my BROTHER, who is likely more understanding than anyone about it, because she's reacted the way she has and I know she'd not be comfortable with me coming out to them. I am starting to wonder if I should at least come out to my brother if not my friends, because I think it's terrible to not tell him, and he knows he's in the dark and he's unhappy about it.
Help?

[Sharky]

Have you two tried going to therpy together?

[nineofspades]

Yeah, I pretty much let her into every session...

[~RoadToTrista~]

Do you understand how she feels? I certainly wouldn't want my child to be transsexual. No need to rush this, I would try to work things out with her first.

On the other hand, if you think keeping it from your brother is making it worse, maybe you should tell him.

[~RoadToTrista~]

Ok idk if that post makes sense, I'm kinda sleepy :3

[MaxAloysius]

Wow, it really sucks that she's reacted that way. Threatening you with her own suicide is just about the worst thing I've ever heard. Manipulating and trying to guilt trip your own child like that is utterly wretched.

But please, don't cut out the people around you because of one bad reaction. You don't owe your mother anything, and you will need the support of your friends and family to get through this. By all means, if you think it's the right thing to do, tell your brother. Perhaps he can even help you smooth things over with your mother, you won't know until you try

[Da Monkey]

If she is depressed she obviously has her own issues she needs to work out. Instead of going to therapy with you she should go by herself if she doesn't already. I understand not wanting a transsexual child or even a homosexual one but that mixed with depression she isn't going to feel great about herself so she is going to take it out on you.

Do you have plans to go away for school or live on your own soon? My mom was pretty unsupportive even though I never wanted to talk about it and never actually came out to her, she forced me to tell her what was going on. I was trying so hard not to deal with my transition while I was living with them but it was really hard so I moved out the first day I started hormones. My mom and family are very supportive now that I am in a different city supporting myself on my own. Most people question your level of maturity once you start questioning your gender since there are so many people who just can't understand why someone even would question their gender. They just assume you're being irrational or angsty about it.

[Starshadow]

Hi, Nineofspades, I'm not trans, but I am a sixty year old lesbian mom and grandmom, with quite a few trans friends. So while I can't give a lot of advice in that area, still learning myself, it sounds like there's some personal issues with your mum, and one of them seems to me to be she's mourning the loss of her daughter. Never mind that you, the person you are, you're right there and not going anywhere. She may need space to come to terms with that particular issue. So maybe her own therapy might be a good idea.

And while it's easy enough, I suppose, to say it, and really hard to live with it, remind yourself her reaction isn't about you. It's about her internal thoughts about you, if that makes sense.

I think if either of my daughters had told me they weren't girls, I would have wanted to make sure this was real (considering they were both girly-girls as kids, and grew up to be decidedly women)--I've read and heard that most trans people always knew, inside, much as those who are lesbian or gay know there's something different about them, whether or not they could name it. So an accepting person would want to make sure this was the Real Deal, y'know, and it sounds like she's not an accepting person. But if my kids had been trans, my reaction would be to support them.

Then I'd go to work on using the right pronoun. I had one trans FtM friend who I had known for years as female--and I was struggling to use the right pronoun with him up to a year before his death. That wasn't stubborness, it was more forgetfulness, especially since I didn't see him every day after his transition, as I had when we were single moms of little kids.  I can imagine if it was my child, I'd be struggling there, too, at least at first. One gets in a pronoun rut, as it were.

Anyway, I hope the best for you and your mom. You may have to move away to get out from under her insecurities. I think she'll eventually come around. I hope so.

[nineofspades]

Thanks everyone, good to see a range of different answers. I'll figure something out.