I am more popular and more social now than I have ever been in my life. The trick is to get out there and meet people. I found something I was interested in, checked out the local groups, and went from there. Now I have a whole circle of friends who never knew me as what's his name. They only see me as the woman that I am and we can all have a good time. They are also there when I stumble and stop me from disappearing when things go bad.
Did I lose friends? yes and one was like the brother I never had, was even his best man at his wedding. It hurt, yes. But it is also his loss.
Being afraid should only warn you of danger, not stopping you from action. Fear is the greatest motivator in the world.
back in the day, songs really had the way to make me think about what was going on at the time.
"From where I stand at the crossroads edge,
there's a path leading out to sea.
And from somewhere
deep in my mind,
sirens sing out loud
songs of doubt
as only they know how.
But one glance back reminds, and I see,
someone else not me."
That one was a biggie, kept playing it over and over.
"I can't believe it's now happening to me... Oh, couldn't it wait a few hundred years
Destiny can't rest you see, now it's time, time to cry your tears! Now cry!"
the above I related to figuring things out and knowing what I must do but being afraid to step forward.
"Most of this is memory now
I've gone too far to turn back now
I'm not quite what I thought I was but
Then again I'm maybe more"
Again, relating to the knowledge of where I was heading and still struggling against myself. Excuses. Self doubt.
I was never really that strong of a person. I put on the airs that I was because it was expected of me. First born. Only son. Male. I was supposed to be strong, look out for my family and for myself. Scouts, sports, weight lifting. All were started because of my parents. I was a thin rail who looked very femme. Wish I had been strong enough to say no to the scouts and the weight lifting. I enjoyed soccer and my femme body was a plus until I transformed it into a mass of muscle.
I have had to be strong for others. Actually place myself in harm's way to protect someone else. Carry a gun. Be the big, strong man for them. I did it and hated the fact that I was trapped in the male existence.
When I went FT I told myself that I ended up being completely unpassable then I would not go any further. Why do that to myself? Different problems kicked in when I was not only passable but considered pretty by some (I don't see it, but who am I to argue with another's perception when it is something that is so subjective as the topic of beauty?). Every road block that I placed in front of myself, I overcame.
Yes there were setbacks. yes there were tears. Yes friends came and went. Through it all I had one constant, I was being true to myself. Yes, there were setbacks. I stepped forward, through the pain. yes there were tears. I cried when I had to and dried my eyes after. Chin up and never let them wear you down. Yes friends came and went. I was much better for the experience.
I am not saying that your fears are not founded in reality nor that they are inconsequential. They are very real and the problems you pose do need to be addressed. it is always darkest before the dawn and friends come from the oddest places at times.
YMMV.
