Well, I was raised Mormon (Atheist for the last 10 years), so being attracted to men and acknowledging that I felt I should have been born with a female body were simply not an option. They drill heteronormativity into you like nobody's business. Needless to say, I struggled during my teenage years with my attraction to men and my transsexuality/->-bleeped-<-/whatever terminology you want to use. I was always terrible at flirting with/hitting on/dating women. My friends always set me up with these girls--some of them Mormon, others not--and it was always just awkward and uncomfortable. I always approached them as an equal, like we were two girls hanging out. That apparently was a huge turn off for them and they would quickly lose interest in me because of that. That worked out well for me, though. I was able to mostly avoid intimate situations and wouldn't have to worry about not being able to "perform" and then have rumors spread that I'm gay, which would have been problematic living in such a Mormon infested, conservative place. Although, I think there were suspicions among my friends and family anyway because I never really dated women all that much. In the eyes of the Mormon church, you can't be in your mid to late twenties and not be married. If you are, then you must be broken in some way. The odd thing is, when I did go on dates with ciswomen, they always tried to force me into this masculine and dominant role, which I never felt comfortable being. Apparently ciswomen don't want as much gender equality as we've all been led to believe. I dated a couple guys briefly back in Arizona before I moved to Oregon. The relationships were short, though, and had to be on the DL.
It's so much easier and more "natural" feeling for me to flirt with guys, though. I have had sex with ciswomen, but that was just sort of weird. And I was just jealous of their bodies the entire time. I would stare at them when they were naked or in their underwear, which they took as sexual attraction, but it was really just jealousy--burning, painful, jealousy. Sex with cismen, however, is a million times better! Now, to complicate things even further, I like my men queer! Haha. You give me a skinny guy in some lingerie, fishnet stockings, lipstick, eye liner, eye shadow, and mascara, but otherwise masculine looking, and I'm a happy girl!
