Coming out to grandparents

[lexical]

So my grandmother and I are very close, she's getting up there in age but still very healthy. I'm her only grandchild, she's my only living grandparent. She's a latin-american evangelical christian and is not at all okay with homosexuality and most likely will not respond well to me coming out as trans. When I came out to her as gay a few years back it did not go well at all. She didn't disown me but was very upset and couldn't understand at all. She actually had a stroke very soon after. I have no idea if these events were linked but it was oddly close to when we had the conversation. I've been on T a month and a half now, my voice is getting deeper, changes are happening. We talk on the phone about once a week. She's already been asking me about my voice getting deeper, I just told her I had a cold. My mom, who has been very supportive, doesn't think there's a way for me to tell her and thinks I should ignore the subject with her. She's told me she's very concerned about how she would respond and it jeopardizing her health. We see each other at least a few times a year, I have no idea how I can just ignore the subject with her. Thoughts anyone? Anyone have experience coming out to very religious latino family?

[JohnAlex]

I have a very religious family.  and a grandmother who seems a lot like yours.

I just came out to my aunt and uncle, who are very accepting of me.  But they told me that I really shouldn't tell my grandparents.   and I already knew that I shouldn't.  They don't accept gays or transgenders at all.  Last I saw them they were going on a rant about how gays and transgenders are going to hell.
Now I see my grandparents a couple times a month.  And I'm not on T yet, but someday soon I want to be.  So this makes me wonder, what will I do when I get on T? 
I just know that I absolutely can't tell them for as long as they live.   Their health also is not in too good of condition.  and I also don't want to make them worse.  So they will pass away not really knowing me.  and I'm sure they prefer not to know.  So I'm doing this for them.  I think it would be selfish of me to try to tell them, because I know they would be better off not knowing.  And as much as I wish they knew the truth about me, I don't think it's worth it. 

This is my plan:
Next year I will go away to college.  And then I will move far enough away from them that we can't visit in person.  I can keep in touch with them over the phone until me voice starts to change.  then I'll just email them.   If I live far away, they will know less about me, and wonder less about my everyday life.  I think it will be easy to get to the point where I only email them once every month or less.

[lexical]

I feel the same way about not wanting to tell her for as long as she lives. But the way I see it, it's unavoidable... she doesn't use email so the only way we can keep in touch is over the phone. I guess it could just be this unspoken thing but I don't see that going well. Good luck to you though! Sounds like your situation is workable.

[JohnAlex]

well if you can't email, you could write letters.

but I guess if it's unavoidable, it's unavoidable.   Perhaps once she finds out, she won't want to speak to you again, who knows.
I'd just rather my grandparents die still loving me as the person they think I am (and still am, minus the gender part).

[Radar]

Our stories are very close. Both my grandfathers are dead but both my grandmothers are living. I don't see or talk to them very often since they live far away. They have both commented on my deeper voice. One thought nothing odd of it, but she has early Alzheimer's. We're thinking there's no rush in telling her because it would probably massively confuse her anyway.

I talked to my other grandmother on Christmas and she was concerned I came down with a terrible cold. Anyway, she is very religious and one of the biggest haters of my "tomboy" childhood. This woman tried to "get me out of my rut" and force feminine things on me unlike anyone else- especially during my teenage years. Despite all this I love her alot.

My father, stepmother and I have been racking our brains about how to tell her. There was no huge urgency but now she's coming to visit this Thanksgiving.

My father thinks telling her as little as possible is best. He mentioned he might tell her my sexuality has changed and I started binding. We all agree my top surgery is something that's best not known with her. However, I do believe she'll notice my deeper voice and I now physically look like a guy (duh).

She's in her 80's and I don't know how much she knows about transgender or transsexual issues, but she's not stupid. She does know about "sex changes" and that changing your sexuality and wearing just men's clothes doesn't cause physical changes like T does. I also can't help that I think if she found out she didn't know the truth she would be more hurt about being left out. Yet, this woman is very stubborn and a force to be reckoned with. This is evident when men in their 30's and 60's are concerned about her anger and backlash from this.

This is what I hate most about transition- telling people. I've been pretty lucky so far, but you never know how someone will take it and react.