At Peace

[BunnyBee]

I like your new picture Chloe.  It looks like a stinkin jungle behind you.  I'm so jealous!

[Anatta]

Kia Ora Shelly,

"If you want to experience fulfillment in your life, learn to spend more time wanting what you 'already' have, and spend less time wanting what you don't have!"...

This might sound somewhat paradoxical but this Taoist proverb once you grasp it's meaning and begin to put it into practice [by changing the way you look at things] will help you to find a level of contentment, that you thought unattainable...

It's all to do with learning to accept what "is" don't try to fight it, just go with the flow and things will gradually begin to fall into place... "All rivers eventually lead/flow to the sea!"

I know all this sounds weird but practice really does make perfect...

Another way to look at it is "peace" is just a state of mind, it comes from within and is there all the time just waiting to be tapped into... 

And am I at peace?  I am peace with a capital "P" and this was before I had surgery....

I'm having one of my weird moments [one of many I might add] 

Metta Zenda

[FairyGirl]

I like your new picture Chloe.  It looks like a stinkin jungle behind you.  I'm so jealous!

lol thanks Jen.   It is a jungle of eucalyptus trees, taken up in the Blue mountains on the property of the Norman Lindsay Art Gallery at Springwood.  A very nice place to be at peace

[Sarah B]

Hi Shelly

I can only offer my thoughts and perspective when you ask and I quote

My question to anyone but maybe more so post op is: Did it take GRS to finally be at peace?

I was basically at peace with myself up and till I was 29,  I did not suffer from any 'dysphoric feelings' per se, unless of course.  One considers that my feelings were getting stronger and stronger until I finally realised that I was a female.  Although at this stage I had not started HRT.  I was still at peace with myself but the emptiness that always resided in me, or 'something was missing' feeling had virtually gone away.  One year later I started HRT, saw doctors and I finally had my surgery two years later.  During this time I was working full time and I just lived my life, I did not measure any milestones.  I just did the things that were necessary.  I did not question and I did not hesitate and during all this time I was basically at peace.  When I finally had my surgery, my thoughts and feelings are best described as follows. 

After I woke up from my surgery the second time and I looked down, I sensed I was finally free of the burden that had haunted me for so long, what I saw looked and felt natural and as I drifted back of to sleep, I felt a calmness descend all over me that I had never known before.

So eventually the emptiness or that missing feeling was finally gone.   As others have mentioned my life has had its ups and downs and as Jenny and Cindy have mentioned there are always problems that have to be solved and hence there never is peace and quite on the western front.

One thing running through this little head of mine is when will I be at peace. I am contemplating going full time but I'm not even out to anyone yet. I feel if I let someone know whats going on with me that will give me some peace or at least lesson the anxiety. Then when I go full time I should be more at peace after the initial shock wears off.

I have mentioned in other posts that I'm a very private person and nobody knows.  I left my family and friends and at the time they did not know what I was going to do.  Unfortunately, my family found out and luckily they accept me for who I am.  The funny thing is, even when I was seeing my psychiatrist, he wanted me to come out to them, but I did not want to, however my family at that time had basically found out so in a sense.  I never ever did come out to my family.

Even to this day, I would rather nobody knew, but that is just me.  It has been said many times in different threads, that the only people who really should know is your partner, your doctors who are treating you and your family.  By keeping the number of people who do know to a bear minimum.  The less trouble you will have in the long run.  Do I ever consider telling some of my closest friends?  Yes!  However, if I did then they more than likely would never see me in the same light again.

The problem I'm having is I'm sure I won't be at peace very long. I think know I may be the type that will never be at peace until that thing between my legs is gone. I don't think I could go years as a pre op. I realize no one knows whats in between your legs unless their under your bed sheets. (no worry here)  but to me its something that must me gone.

In a sense I was always doing something, I never had a plan as such.  I just included the things that needed to be done and I suppose by doing these things, without realising it, they made me happy and hence I guess I was at peace.  I had to wait two years basically.  I had what I needed in place and I sort of new at the end of two years I was going to have my surgery not that I thought about it very much during that time.  There were basically no obstacles and I guess as a result my journey was basically peaceful.

I sense this already, even though I am not out I pass fairly well dressing down or up. Mostly because I just don't care, but I'm still not happy cause I can't just relax more and let my hair down so to speak. At first I was very happy standing shoulder to shoulder with other women at cloths racks, restrooms and ..........and no one would bat an eye. Now this happens much of the time but I'm not happy with this I want to be me.

I Then look to the future and think once I'm full time, I still won't be satisfied, sure no one will be the wiser (except people that know me UGH) but I will know whats down there. I fear this cause I don't see my self obtaining GRS until at least 4 years and thats if I'm very lucky. I just don't think I could go 4 years pre op plus the full time period.  Does anyone have a spare $25,000 that they don't need.

What can I say?  The peace that you seek, will only come from following your hearts desire and I can read what you truly want.  Which means, you need to take the necessary steps, so that you can finally be yourself.  Always remember and I suppose it applied to me, not that I realised it at the time.  But I virtually gave up everything and so I could not lose anything more and eventually overtime I gained far more than I ever gave up.

I hope you find the peace that you seek.

Love and hugs
Sarah B

[AbraCadabra]

Hi, being newbie to thisforum, please bear with me. The subject: "At Peace" didn't leave me at peace, um :-)
Firstly having had some 40 years in a closet! (more like prison cell) was no peace whatever, you'd know.

Early knowing was buried by what "OTHERS" (the world et al) wanted of me. Who was I to argue?! Wanted to cut "it" off at about age 8 but was too scared get hiding for making bloody mess. (Though mum, single, dad long back in US)

Oh, yes I got hidings when cut my finger and there was blood. The MESS!! Different world? Not so sure was unusual as 1st language being German, English only my 2nd. Brought up in Germany after WWII. So no peace for one very, VERY long time.
Therapy? Had all sorts (Group, Primal, Gestalt, I AM, JOYSPRING, like EST) nobody knew a dang thing re transsexuals. Include me. NO PEACE!

No Peace also always trying to understand, but no insight. Shrink called it overcompensating. 101 hobbies, boy's stuff. Motor biking, Windsurfing, also Aerobics, Modern Dance, Iron pumping, endless girl-friends. Nothing actually worked. No peace.
Finally one day only 1 1/2 years back one huge earth quake! 7+ Richter scale. Shrink like to call it Epiphany. Too religious for some. Include me. So horrendous finding out you are a GIRL!!!! Not just a guy, with a strong-ish femme side. Man" never fit me. Sorry to say neither did "Father" nor even "Dad". Horrible but true.  This was mind boggling. OK.

Slowly some peace starts to arrive but comes with lots, and LOTS of tears and fits. Never ending it seemed at some stage. Wasted live, being raped by the world. Nobody at fault. Self as stupid as all the rest. Painful peace can call it.

Now COGIATI (gender test) wants to know many questions e.g. "Are you planning to go or are you on HRT". Only two weeks after the "crash" I start REALLY climbing the walls once things come into perspective.

Solution? You just knowit's hormones. Intuition? Maybe. First little by little using phyto-estrogen till after 3 month I ask shrink: Please, I need the real stuff (Estradiol etc.) Phyto is play-play for PMS, I'm past it. Benjamin Rules are fine after 3month all being equal, yes?

Shrink, refuses! Because not according to his plan nor policy. This idjet never prescribes any to anyone until AFTER first GRS op (penectomy and orchiectomy)! Why? Likes to put you on Prozac! Right, that he know from all his BI-polar cases, his speciality. Him the one and ONLY truly worst old-fashioned gate-keeper in SA, and only him feeding the Academic Hospital. No other ALLOWED!  Rand 450-00 / 15min. Like 500 $ for 15 min! I beg you! No therapy, no empathy just ticking boxes. After refusing HRT, was ready just to give up, kill myself. Well, got over it and got my stuff by internet. Later from understanding MD (GP, house doctor).

One HUGE load of peace arrived. Unbelievable! Still some crying but now it's OK! Mostly walking on cloud nine after all these earlier issues. Bless "E"

Lost trust in psycho-shrink. Such bad choice since also gay and no like for girl-bits. Never seen any post-ops! Never mind GG bits! Found other shrink-female (MUCH better!) got process rolling for going to Dr. Sanguan.
Local GRS team now livid will NEVER accept other then their gate-keeper. In any case their process is one horrendous one.
3 ops, often spread over more then 2 – 3 years. Colon-section ONLY! No choice. Don't say nothing as it's "for free"! Say something and get thrown out of the clinic. Happen to me when asking for kindly considering "inversion". Patient counts nothing just an object. Welcome to State Health Care. No peace for sure (for me).
Mind you, one point. If no choice, I know some local girls are just too happy to be rid of their wrong "extras". They are almost ecstatic. As others mentioned... it all depends on your expectations, yes?

Self, had some savings and be hard pressed to look a "girl with extra" or that mess that's the local process. Clit looking like some FtM, sticking out some 3 – 4cm, followed by two funny looking flesh items like Turkish dried figs and finally (quite ok) vaginal channel done by colon-section (Colovaginoplasty).

To look at it? Must stay in the dark and hands off. More like train-smash victim. BUT, due to having no choice still are LOTS more happy than be stuck with boy bits. All of them that I know!
In my case one week after my 1st shrink visit my question: What to wear?! I knew. Dumped ALL boy-stuff and went full time RLE. To hell with the world et al, I'm a woman so I dress like one – and did ever since. Big time PEACE that, wow!

Twice had to do a boy dress bit for some identification and got totally freaked out after a while. How some can handle it is beyond my knowing. I just can't. Made me feel being thrown right back into the closet-prison. Too painful. Can't deal with it.
Lastly, in my part SA and Europe will NEED GRS else no document change from M to F possible. Period. In fact with no GRS you are forced being CD and that in my case is so unthinkable. Note: Thai surgeons GRS start from US$7.2k and most are US$ 10k – 11k. That is less then half of US$25k you mention. One BIG difference, yes?
Peace J
Axélle :-)

[AbraCadabra]

Hi hon,
something strikes me with some comments, not all. Also your own. Trying to rationally tackle how to "be" female? Woopsy!
Like asking 3 easy steps to have orgasm – "Insert, repeat as necessary"? Heehee.
In fact, don't we just do it? I do. Being too girly simplistic?

Not being on HRT is a different matter. Body is contradicting feelings quite a lot. Getting in the way of being your (female-)self. My experience.
Other example mentioned often: Girly-puberty we go through when starting on "E". Want to ask how to do girly-puberty? Hey! Actually it JUST HAPPENS. Like it or not. Also acting quite out of our age as it happens. OMG. People think... she/he lost the plot, poor dear. BUT IT IS YOU too, right there and then!

Got to go with consequences. Unless all becomes yet another stressy ACT!? Like "grand boy-act" pursued up to point when finally accepting being that "girl inside".

Don't rationalize how it be. To act, to feel being a woman/girl your age! – it can't be done. It be an "act". Not sincere. Not real. Put on. Phoney.
Reach inside, get in touch with what it is to be YOU, warts and all. Most particularly at early transition stage(s) when all is so very new (and dilly).

Looking back over own transition, had plenty makes me cringe, from where I stand today. YOU JUST GOT TO GO THROUGH IT. No short cuts.
Not possible, else you always go back to square-one honey!
In fact some of this "being/acting a woman" will cause even more stress then GID did in the first place!
Some folks decide to de-transition over it. I'm sure.
If you are GID, cut the BS, strip the veneer, best you can at any time.
BE YOUR SELF!  If with people, boys and/or girls, and tears well up – CRY!
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO CRY NOW! Never mind what guys have to do. No more your issue! Great, not so?

Something "easy" like to be yourself can be so difficult? Yes, initially I guess. Plenty women go some "save place", the "ladies" (powder room) to let go. So? Still had a good cry when it was up. AND share with girl standing next, touching up make-up J
Don't try reason with your feelings. There are "blocks", yes. Had enough myself. I wish you a good therapist and not some useless "gate-keeper" (like I had) that will help you honey J
Axelle
PS: Am over 60, gone through plenty fires, all may sound easier for me, I know.
PPS: GRS date set 15. June, wish me luck J

[Susan Kay]

Good question, though I can't answer it (I haven't had GRS yet; that changes next Tuesday!) Do I think I will be at peace afterwards? Yes. At least much more so. I can look in the mirror and cuss the male pattern hair requiring a wig. I can regret the nasty body hair growth. The non-shapely hips. The less then perfect legs. The not very fem facial features. A thousand feminine sex characteristics -big and small. So I wear that wig. I shave, epilate, pluck, yank and Nair that hair. I choose clothes that flatter the figure I do have. I put on make-up to compensate for the facial beauty. I make necessary adjustments to appear more feminine.

But I still have those god-awful parts down there. That is in no way feminine, and nothing I can do - tucking, camouflage dressing - anything, can make me more feminine with those. Well, one thing I can do; surgery. So I will. Yet I know girls that is not a priority for. They did whatever they needed to pass, and transitioned. They apparently have peace.

What will give you peace? Figure that out, then do it. But I also warn you:  Peace is not gender specific - peace is you.

Susan Kay

[justmeinoz]

I know I am a lot more at peace than I was even a year ago.

Now that I am virtually full time, I have discovered that the saying you can't love anyone until you love yourself (warts and all) is all too true.  I have finally reached a point where I can truly say that I love; rather than hate, loath, despise, or am even apathetic towards; myself.  As a result I feel far more at peace and feel that I love the world and all the people in it. 

True, some of them have done, and continue to do, vile things,  but the idea of "tough love" means that they are sometimes going to have to be dealt with harshly to protect the other people in the world.  Classic case of loving the sinner and hating the sin.

I am prepared to wait for SRS, and know that of itself it will not produce happiness.  As  it will allow me to move more easily in the world, and avoid some possible difficulties, I intend to pursue it but am comfortable for it to arrive when the time is right.

Karen.

[Ann Onymous]

I don't post much although I could post a question, or observation just about everyday.

My question to anyone but maybe more so post op is: Did it take GRS to finally be at peace?

In a word...YES

Only after medical intervention for my condition had reached its conclusion could I truly just "be"

My inner torment had been prolonged for longer than it should have been due to some of the old-school thinking that existed in that era...but for the fact that the notion of being lesbian post-operatively caused their feeble little minds to implode, I could have saved almost a decade of my life and been done with everything before I had turned 20.  (And admittedly yeah, for me, the obstacles being put out by the shrinks of the era WERE enough that I did contemplate taking the easy way out on more than one occasion, selfish as that sort of a decision might have been.)     

The problem I'm having is I'm sure I won't be at peace very long. I think know I may be the type that will never be at peace until that thing between my legs is gone. I don't think I could go years as a pre op. I realize no one knows whats in between your legs unless their under your bed sheets. (no worry here)  but to me its something that must me gone.

That was very much the situation in which I found myself.  I had no desire to pursue heterosexual relationships, so there was no fear in THAT regard.  However, it was still difficult to do much more than keep the women that WERE my prospective dating targets at an arms length because, well, the last thing I needed to do was get amorous even in a bar and then have to stop when the hands started going where they tend to do...

I Then look to the future and think once I'm full time, I still won't be satisfied, sure no one will be the wiser (except people that know me UGH) but I will know whats down there. I fear this cause I don't see my self obtaining GRS until at least 4 years and thats if I'm very lucky. I just don't think I could go 4 years pre op plus the full time period.  Does anyone have a spare $25,000 that they don't need.

side note...had no idea costs had spiraled that much in the years that have elapsed. 

[Karynm8621]

I think the better description in this case isn't peace but inner peace.

I've explained to Shelly privately that I used to tell my wife I lacked inner peace. My outer world was always successful in anything I did. I played in heavy metal bands, hung with rock stars, had a family, own a house, motorcycles, great friends. My outer world had balance.

I started transition and it got confusing for me. I started Hrt and felt more calmed over time, loved the changes to my body and yes, I gained a sense of inner peace.

The problem arose that as I changed and gained that sense of inner peace I started to feel like my outer world became out of balance. A lot of is was due to how the hormones were affecting me emotionally. Like teenage girls I became more emotional thinking I looked awkward or people were staring at me. This slowly goes away over time and I started regaining that sense of outer balance.

I thought I had gotten to the point of being where I wanted to be but realized I didn't feel whole and decide to opt for GRS. I can tell you that for me, it was the final piece of the puzzle and yes it gave me a sense of inner peace that I'd never had before. Emotionally I feel good about myself for the first time in my life.

While you are trying to figure things out and you haven't accepted your feelings the world can be a strange place. You have this inner stress and feeling of being wrong. For a lot of us it can be a very chaotic feeling. For me, I had the stress of feeling wrong and the normal everyday stresses the world hands us. I was a very angry person because I felt I couldn't fix myself. Add in the everyday stresses and I was always on the verge of snapping and a lot of times my temper was very short.

What transition and surgery gave me was a sense of personal inner peace. I am finally at one with who I am instead of divided. But like most people I deal with outer world stresses that sometimes don't allow me to have peace, "peace of mind" but because I've dealt with my own self identity I can now deal with those outer stresses in a much more care free way. They don't affect me as personally as they did before transition.

I guess my point is that peace is a funny thing because there are different levels of what you get from it. For me the inner peace I gained from changing gave me the gift of being able to deal with the daily peace and that is priceless

[AbraCadabra]

Hi Karyn,
so well put hardly anything one could or should add.
"Inner peace" you are right about that. The strange thing about that how some of us older chicks could get so "used" to just never having had such for decades! Only once the mind is finally opened up are we actually allowing ourself to FEEL the difference. And what a difference, staring with HRT.
I'm due on the 15. coming for GRS and hope to find the last piece of that weird puzzle that eluded me for so long.
Thank you for one excellent, eloquent and intelligent way of putting if. It's so much my own story. Amazing.

Axelle
PS: English being my second language only I'm always so appreciative reading as you write...