Whiplash

[Ava LJ]

So I've been transitioning for almost a year now (mtf) and I'm starting to notice a trend that's been bugging me a lot lately. In general, I've felt fantastic about the changes I've seen. I love seeing my face soften, breasts develop, and the shape of my torso change into something a bit more feminine/androgynous. But at he same time, I've been having alternating feelings about my masculine features. There are days where I have very clear dysphoria and I become disheartened and frustrated by my large jaw, broad shoulders, etc. But then there are an equal number of days where I feel perfectly fine with them or even want to embrace them on some level along with my feminine features.

I've known for a while now that I'm nonbinary and not a woman so the idea of wanting an appearance verging more toward androgynous isn't a new one to me. What's driving me insane though is that I can't come to any solid vision of myself. I'm constantly swinging back and forth between wanting to embrace my masculine side as a part of myself and how I express my gender, and being overwhelmed by waves of dysphoria and just wanting anything broad, harsh, or even remotely "male" to vanish so that I can take on a more feminine or even purely androgynous appearance.

This has become a massive, frustrating wall for me in the past months that's keeping me from finding clothes/makeup that I feel comfortable in because I just don't know how to see my gender, let alone express it in a way that makes me feel confident.

If any other nonbinary/genderfluid folks out there have experienced anything similar, I'd love to hear about it and how you dealt with it. It could really help me a lot.



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[Sonja]

@Ava LJ  Hi Ava, I understand your difficulty in establishing what you want your appearance to be when your desire of that keeps changing to various degrees.  I am also MTF and have days when I feel more feminine than others and find it quite fluid and this can cause an outward change of my appearance to match.  I found the most helpful thing I did was to search the internet for photos of transgender girls (and some cis-females), it helped me see the Look and feel that they were presenting and after looking at many different girls, I started to get a clearer sense of what I wanted to appear as so it could match my mood and personality.  I love watching helpful vids on youtube by transgirls - you also pick up on their personality and mannerisms so it can help you figure out where you want to be with your look etc.

Hope this helps a little,

Sonja.

[Satinjoy]

In a sense, no photo of me can capture my entire truth, it is too limoting, a static snapshot of my gender.

But in my core I know who I am and what.  So there is a freedom in self expression, whether stealth she or he or they, it all fits in.

I love mostly as an androgyne, blendong the world, but enjoy being binary stealth when I like.

It came naturally, over time, and not repressing how I feel.

Perhaps you will begin enjoying that freedom, knowing you are nonbinary at the core, and resting in that truth.

[JB_Girl]

Non - Binary or Fluidity defines ambiguity both is appearance and in perception.  I suspect that rather than trying to define the place you are right now that you are defining what look that you would like right now.  The look will surely change.  How you dress and what your make up is ought to be like will evolve with time and with whimsy.  This is a time of exploration for you.  You've come to grips with being queer, now you are defining what that means.

How you dress and who you are will change.  I certainly has for me as I got increasingly comfortable with my feminine side.  But that doesn't mean that I must stay static. Stasis is for the dead, dynamism is for us.  I hope that you can embrace and revel in the possibilities.

Peace