/shy face

[Mika]

O_O I'm a guy.

I think I finally feel comfortable claiming that label. I ran away from it for a long time, for a lot of reasons. But, I feel confident, and it feels good not to be in "something's not right" limbo anymore. It makes a little more sense than the "I want a male body, masculine expression, male pronouns, male name, and to be percieved as male BUT I'm totally just a chick" mental gymnastics I pulled forever lol.

I realize I kind of just allowed people to assume I identified as male on this forum, and I hope nobody is offended, I didn't want to "correct" people because it felt good, and it was somehow more allowable in my mind than telling people directly.

So yeah. Feels good lol.

And now, how to tell the lady friend O_x

[James-Alen]

Glad to hear it! This means you've made the emotional leap. I have felt that limbo many times, and the huge relief of stepping over it. It's only up from here! The thing you said about wanting to be a man/ masculine but are a chick is a huge hurdle for everyone. Once I stopped acting like a guy, and started being a guy, I became much more comfortable. Meditation helps me a lot with that, and connecting with my insides.

I'm not offended one bit! I assumed you identified as male, just as you predicated. I will continue to behave as such, especially with your new permission. Telling your SO can be hard. My boyfriend and I don't really talk about it, because the entire subject is awkward. It might be hard/ strange/' awkward at first but don't feel discouraged and above all, don't try to regress from this identity if it upsets her (been there, that's a bad road). Cheers!

[Mika]

I'm already feeling noticeably more comfortable, just with this acceptance. Meditation is a great idea, I really need to be more diligent about it.

I'm in a safe relationship in which the topic has been breached somewhat, and now its just a matter of directly saying it, and working through it all with her. I'm done trying to make myself a chick to keep things simple.

[Xander Bazaar]

"I want a male body, masculine expression, male pronouns, male name, and to be percieved as male BUT I'm totally just a chick" mental gymnastics

Are you me? o____O

In seriousness, though, I can totally empathize with that statement. In some ways I still do those gymnastics, because I have to live as female in spaces that connect to my parents. It's tough to deal with any internal identity while living in a space that expects people's actions to conform to their appearances. (Ouf, awkward and clumsy sentence.) That is, balancing what other people want you to be and what you are can make it feel like if you just ignore the part of you that people don't like, then life will be easier. But, congratulations for getting through that, and for doing what makes you feel right. 

Good luck with the lady friend. I hope for you that she can be accepting, or at least realize that it's got nothing to do with her or with your feelings for her. Sometimes SOs can really take these things personally, sometimes now.

[Mika]

Nah, that wasn't awkward or clumsy, I gotcha. I think I can relate. At least, I've tried to suppress who I am because it would make my relationship with my SO simpler as well as make my family life at least less bumpy (preacher dad etc). Life may be simpler for a while when you suppress or change who you are for other people, but for most people I think there comes a point when it's worse, at least in my experience. Of course, I can't really speak from some grand coming out experience, as my own is still developing and very limited, so take it for what it's worth.