What do I tell my boyfriend?

[quinn]

I've been seeing a therapist, and recently got my letter of recommendation to start T, and my first appointment with my endo is in about two or three weeks. I'm happy about that because I'll finally be starting my transition, which I've waited so long for. One of my supervisors at work knows I'm trans, and she's fine with it. Everyone else at work is really laid-back and non-judgmental, and it seems like there's a very good chance that everyone will accept me when I come out as trans.

The problem is, I have a boyfriend now, who works for the same company. We've only been together for a week and already I'm freaking out about it, spending half the time kicking myself for not telling him from the start that I'm trans, and spending the other half of the time feeling relieved I haven't told him yet and wondering when the best time is to tell him. I'm so afraid that when he finds out, he'll hate me, or be disgusted by me (I'm 99% sure he's straight, he might be bi but I really doubt it), or think it's some sort of weird joke and not take me seriously. I've been trying to figure out what I'll say to him, how I'll bring it up, when I'll talk to him about it... but I really don't know what to do. The only thing I can think of to say is something along the lines of, "I'm the same person, just a different gender."

I'm just so afraid of losing him. I have to tell him before I come out at work, and I'm planning on coming out at work just a few weeks after I start taking T. I definitely didn't plan on having a significant other until after I transitioned (or, at least until after I had been on T for six months or so), and now that I'm in a relationship with him everything is just getting so much more complicated. Being trans is such a big part of my life, and I have to hide all of that from him until I figure out how to tell him I'm trans. I hate lying to him about it by not telling him, I feel so guilty about it.

I don't care if he still treats me like I'm a female after he finds out I'm trans, because it is a big change and I don't expect him to be able to accept it immediately. I do expect him to treat me like a man (assuming he even stays with me) eventually, but I don't expect it to happen overnight.

So the main questions are: How do I tell him? When do I tell him? What do I do if he freaks out when I tell him, because he (probably) doesn't identify as gay or bi-sexual? 

[sascraps]

Seriously, you've only been dating him for a week? Trust me, take my advice, don't sweat over any guy. We're hard-wired from birth to feel like we're nothing without a man in our lives. And conversely, straight cis-males are often hard wired to be total cavemen and it's not worth the hassle. Especially not if you're finding your own identity as a man. You're really better off just telling him and whatever happens, happens. If he's rude or makes any jokes, then you know he wasn't worth spending any time on.

[Bahzi]

I'm sorry if this seems harsh and blunt, but honestly?  He's probably going to freak out, and not without good cause.  If you've been in therapy and planning to transition for awhile as you said you have and you just got into this relationship last week, you began the relationship on false pretenses and he's well within his rights to terminate the relationship without any obligation to hear you out/try to make it work.  It's a common scenario that transmen get into relationships with straight men before they've admitted to themselves/come to terms with being trans and before they consider transitioning, and that's still a bad situation, but it's not actively deceptive.  Making strides towards transition while beginning a new relationship with a straight man however, is...pretty disingenuous. 

It's unfortunate and really sad that you're already attached, but before he gets more attached, you need to tell him as soon as possible.  People cannot alter their sexual orientation by sheer will, so if he's straight, it's very likely no amount of effort on his part would make him still attracted to you once you've transitioned.    I would start by apologizing for not being forthright with your intentions before getting involved with him, because unless he's just amazingly adaptable and empathetic, he's probably going to see it as the ultimate 'bait and switch'.   It's likely this news will end your relationship, but it's much kinder to tell him now then to try to postpone your transition (at the expense of your own happiness and mental health as well!) to keep him.

Again, I'm not trying to be mean, just honest, I apologize if I came across as such.

[JohnAlex]

I agree with Sascraps.   Just tell him, and whatever happens, happens.  If he's rude or makes any jokes, then you know he wasn't worth spending any time on. 

I think you should tell him as soon as possible, actually.  I would try to just come right out and flat out tell him, "I'm transgendered.  I've been seeing a therapist and I plan to start medically transitioning into a male soon.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you think before we started going out.  And I understand if you can't be with me anymore.  but I would still like to make it work, even if you need some time to think this first."   short and to the point.

Now I know lots of people don't think you should drop bombs on people like this through email or text, it should be done IRL.  but I actually disagree.  I personally prefer sending emails or texts because it gives the other person time to think about it and think about their response before they do respond.
But however you want to get the message through to him is up to you.  I just think you should tell him right away.  tomorrow.

[quinn]

Thanks for the advice and support, guys.

I told him today, just flat-out said that I'm a pre-op transman and I plan on starting my transition soon. He reacted really well, and was totally cool with it, except he is straight so he said we'll just be friends.

Bahzi: That was harsh to read, but I needed to hear that. Thanks man.

[Bahzi]

Thanks for the advice and support, guys.

I told him today, just flat-out said that I'm a pre-op transman and I plan on starting my transition soon. He reacted really well, and was totally cool with it, except he is straight so he said we'll just be friends.

Bahzi: That was harsh to read, but I needed to hear that. Thanks man.

Hey, congrats, that was an incredibly tough thing to do, I'm sure.  I'm glad he took it well and at least wants to be friends.  Having male friends for support through transition can be really useful.   You're welcome, and hey, you're not the first guy to fall for a straight man, there are a lot more of them after all, ha.  I've been there myself, it sucks.  Getting into the gay dating world as a transguy is daunting, even the gay dating websites intimidate me. ^^;

[Cindy]

Well done Quinn

You have acted like a man, and I mean that with courtesy and congratulations.

Cindy

[sascraps]

Good for you, I'm glad you got that settled. I wish it were that easy for me but it's not. I'm "involved" with a straight guy, and have tried to end it, but he really doesn't get it, and even after ALL the hell he's put me through, I still feel sorry for him that he has no one else in the world to turn to for friendship & support, even though it's his own fault for being a rage-a-holic and driving people away. It's such a f'ed up situation. But maybe if I hadn't ever had the experience of being in a bad relationship, I might have not ever realized how incredibly wrong it is for me to try to exist in a female role. 

[Lee]

I'm glad that it went fairly well even if the relationship aspect is not going to work out.  I'm sure he's glad you brought it up now before things got more serious.

[quinn]

Well done Quinn

You have acted like a man, and I mean that with courtesy and congratulations.

Cindy

Thanks Cindy