Something Old,Something New,Or....?

[Bmore]

I've been reading some of Bushongs writings and wondering(I'm a long way from getting there),how much of the original male personality still remains after all is done? What remains constant and what changes before and after Transistion in your personality? Is it the genisis of a new personality sometimes radically different from the old (makes it sound like a spiritual awakening really) with new thoughts, likes, tendencies and perception or is it more like a new outer you with the same inner you inside? Girls, I'd really like the feedback of those who have walked that journey.
I've started seeing a gender therapist and even very early at this stage, I see myself differnetly, I had to drop my 1st name because after a few too many decades, I just don't feel like that person anymore. But I would really appreciate your insight.

[Sheila]

I believe you are who you are before you start this journey. Once you are on your way, I believe that you start a process that you feel comfortable with who you are. The drugs that you take only alter your physical attributes along with surgery. I know the first week of being on estrogen was very euphoric to me. I believe that was because I came to terms with my true identity and didn't have to lie about it anymore. There are steps that you go through, but they are only mental steps on who you are and what you have accepted yourself as being. I know when I woke up in the hospital after surgery, I felt whole. I had the last piece of information that said I was male removed. That was my ending to transition. I know some have to have more and some have to have less. I didn't that much of a personality change only that the conflict inside me is no more. So that eased a lot of tension from within. That is my perception of my transition. I wish I could have done this years ago. I'm here now and that is all that counts.
Sheila

[Melissa]

I think that it depends on how much acting you did before transition.  If you put on a male persona just to blend in and did a really good job, then how you end up would be significantly different.  However, for most people (myself included), I think that the personality doesn't change much because we start out as females in a male body and end up as females in a female body.  My most radical change in personality was when I came to terms with myself and stopped pretending to be a guy.  There are still little bits here and there to work on, but I'm not fake anymore.  If I try to be, it just drives me nutty.

Melissa

[Sarah Louise]

I don't think it is possible to hide ourselves totally, our true nature always comes out in the small things we do.

I know I always thought of myself being an actor on stage, trying to convince the audience of the part I was playing.

But, when I did come out many of the girls I worked with weren't surprised, they could always see those small things.

Sarah

[Kate]

My most radical change in personality was when I came to terms with myself and stopped pretending to be a guy.

^^^ Yup, what she said

My favorite line from Bushong's site:

an individual's sense of happiness and success is directly parallel with the degree they have dismantled their male identity, not on their age, physical size, hormones, surgery, etc.

I don't like calling it a "male identity" though. For me, it's just taking down the defensive habits, the constant paranoid watchfulness that my TSism is "showing" somehow. And it IS showing, but dang it, who cares? I am who I am (ROFL.. case in point... just this second a male coworker walked in and started teasing me about my new hair colour, lol... ).

Anyways, I fear that people may otherwise be tempted into creating yet another fake personality, only this time a fake female persona designed to fit into what they think society expects. I'm not sure how "radically" different one could - or should - become. It seems to me the process is one of excavation, uncovering, rather than changing or inventing. BEing, not becoming.

[Melissa]

It seems to me the process is one of excavation, uncovering, rather than changing or inventing. BEing, not becoming.

That's definitely a good quote.  As I move along in my transition, I get a stronger sense of who I really am and what kind of woman I will end up being.  At first I thought I would be a frilly woman, but now I realize I am more of a strong, confident, and fun-loving woman with a big heart.  On these forums, I say exactly what's on my mind, so most of you probably have a good sense of who I am.

Melissa