i came to the conclusion today that i have emotional scars that still affect me today. growing up the way i did was not easy. having aspergers as well as gender identity issues made me feel very timid, and very withdrawn from people. the part of my life was mostly fueled by fear. pretty much alot between my birth and 7th grade was all fear fueled. i was pretty much always a loner. i may have had only 2 people i called friends at any given time through most of my school years. i honestly believed at that time period, i was not worth enough for anyone. there was a small area in 8th grade where i started seeing the resentment side of it. the part of me that felt disgusted with lots of people as a whole and wanted to withdraw from them more purposely. i wasn't too bad once i got in high school, but it was still definately there. now it seems to be coming back now that i'm transitioning. i feel like this is what i needed to do all along, and now i'm thinking i was cheated out of alot of my life and people did nothing about it. it's a form of resentment i have for most others. i have this voice in my head telling me i should withdraw socially and not let people in as a form of resentment. it's fueled by resentment, but it really roots from fear. i feel like i should be socially withdrawn and have my thorns as well. it's a fear of becoming the kind of person that was emotionally scarring to me years ago. it's like i want to now formulate this identity of someone who is withdrawn and catty, yet admirable at the same time. i figured it's not going to work that way, so i should get that out of my head, and it won't make me any better as well. it won't make me happy, it won't make me at peace. i guess i will just try and be civil and reserved, since that is my nature.
