You Can't Go Back

[Julie Marie]

But I have and it's taking its toll.

I've been back to work for three weeks now.  The first week was pretty positive.  I didn't erase all of my female markers like I feared I'd feel compelled to and that was a good.  Week two I started to feel things brewing inside.  Now that the third week is over I definitely feel frustration, anxiety and STRESS!

Had I not lived totally full time, had I never known that happiness, that feeling of the world finally being right, I probably wouldn't be feeling this way about having to put on the male mask.  But that's not the case.  I experienced almost two months living totally full time and discovered that is how I want to live out the rest of my life.

Living a dual life is now far more difficult than it ever was.  If I was to give anyone advice I'd say if you have the chance to live full time be prepared to want to do it forever.  Be prepared for things to be much more difficult if you have to return to your old life.  You can't miss what you don't know.  Once you know life full time, you'll miss it terribly if you have to go back.  That is, if you are truly transsexual.

Julie

[LostInTime]

Hugs!

I know how difficult it can be, I had to untransition for a variety of reasons and it was hard to do.  However, when I did so I set out some goals and I reached most of them so the extra and unwanted boy time did help me in the long run.

It is tough but it will also give you something to work towards. 

[Kim]

I find it hard doubling up even now. The more I am forced into slacks and top the more restricted and smothered I feel. I try to respect friends and family comforts but realize its the same feeling you described. I have not lived completely full time in presentation of myself. So living a double character life is hard and can only last so long too. I miss my make-up even at work and feeling pretty. One can't stop us from 'being' female in that we are female, but it can be a chore not to look it. I stopped not acting myself and trying to seem male. But I sure do miss looking my true self fro other's comfort. So be advised that living double takes its toll after a while anyways.  
                                                                   Kim  

[Sheila]

Julie, I want you to have some big hugs from me. I know how hard this must be on you. I feel your hurt and frustrations everytime I read a post by you. No, you can't go back, nor should you even try. I don't dress in a fem. way and I'm female. Most women who work with me, dress in more of a androgenen way. Its jeans and a fem. top and whatever shoes that matches the weather for me. I drive a school bus, I don't have a "cushy job" like Steph's. LOL I wear a skirt every once in a while, a long one, but it isn't as comfortable than jeans. So, you can be yourself. Be who you are, unless you are getting flack from people around you on the job.
Sheila

[tinkerbell]

 


Go back?  why in the world would a woman want to go back to live as a man?  There's no way IMHO, so I understand what it must feel for you.

I did not transition on the job, so I am afraid I cannot share any experiences on that department, but I'd imagine that it has to be a very difficult thing for you to do.  Perhaps changing your appearance in a more subtle way would be appropriate in your case, throwing a little bit of translucent powder one day, some eye shadow the following week, wearing more androgynous tops the following month, letting your hair grow, you know...slowly showing yourself...


tinkerbell

[Julie Marie]

Be who you are, unless you are getting flack from people around you on the job.
Sheila

The other day during lunch, where there's about 15 guys all sitting on one room, someone made mention of a "chick who was really a guy".  Almost everyone chimed in about how f*** up that was.  Some even commented on how they'd like to beat the crap out of her.  A construction site is not a good place to come out. 

Guys in construction notice even the slightest feminization.  I haven't trimmed my nails since I went back and they are getting noticeably longer.  And my hair is longer than any male on the job, by a lot.  I think most guys leave that alone because they respect me.  Many of them have worked for me in the past and most know I've accomplished a lot in the 30+ years in the trade.  If I was younger I doubt I'd get away with all I do now.

I guess what bothers me most is the effect being in such a male environment has on me.  This week I've found myself being pretty negative about what life will be like for me when I am able to fully transition.  The usual "you will never pass", "you have too deep a voice", "your shoulders are too broad", etc. have all crept back into my thinking.  But once I try to imagine not transitioning I get this sick feeling.  I just can't imagine living life as a male.

While I was off work I really felt like I was making some headway.  My confidence was growing and I was really feeling good about myself.  Now that I'm back in macho world it's infected my thinking.  I have far more exposure to that world than my world and I feel like I'm losing ground.  I just have to find ways to leave behind the male world at the end of the work day.

Thank you for the kind words of support.  I'll keep them with me.

Julie

[Kate]

The other day during lunch, where there's about 15 guys all sitting on one room, someone made mention of a "chick who was really a guy".  Almost everyone chimed in about how f*** up that was.  Some even commented on how they'd like to beat the crap out of her.

That's just awful. BUT, this IS how guys bond together sometimes... the sharing of Big Talk and boasting to make sure everyone KNOWS they're not gay themselves. In private, they may not feel as strongly.

Guys in construction notice even the slightest feminization.

If most of these guys see you everyday, you MIGHT be able to get away with more than you think - if you introduce changes very slowly. That seems to be why few in my office have noticed anything, though I'll admit my environment is also much less macho.

But once I try to imagine not transitioning I get this sick feeling.  I just can't imagine living life as a male.

I tend to believe things happen for a reason, and perhaps this was a way to REALLY solidify your determination and self-acceptance. Now you've tasted full time, AND the pain and frustration of having that taken away for the moment. You've gained an appreciation for it, a knowing that this is the only way forward you now. Not that you didn't before, but there's nothing quite like having something taken away to make you realize how BADLY you need it.

Hang in there hon. Things will get better, life WILL show you a way.

Kate

[Sheila]

Julie, like Kate said, guys want to be macho so they will show that they themselves are not whimps.  If you had heard those guys talking like that, then they don't even know about you. Cause they wouldn't have said anything while you were there. Just dress more androgynos and don't worry about those guys. They probably don't notice anyway. You aren't a male so why act like one. You can dress for the job and if that means wearing jeans well do it. Maybe not so much of a fem. top, but there are tops out there that are fem and look like neutral. That will make you feel good. If your in construction don't wear any make up, not appropriate anyway. If you are in an office setting wear a little. If you feel threatened, tell someone. Don't be macho and not say anything about your safety. You don't have to go back, you just have to be creative. Big hugs hon, and I know the frustration you are going through.
Love Sheila

[Ms Bev]

My heart goes out to you as well.  I work as male, still. 
My workplace is an even mix of males and females, and my closest friends there are female, but at the end of the day, and for a long weekend, I am myself.  I still pass as male (barely), and get ma'amed often (oops!) but my work time is 35 hrs out of a 168 hr week.

A suggestion?  Have you considered changing jobs?  You can if you want to, and put yourself in a more comfortable atmosphere.  Before you say construction, drop that hammer!  You can, if you want, do many other things.  I take it you managed to do hrt? So, if you can't go fulltime, you can at least at the end of the day, be yourself!

All the best!

[Elizabeth]

Hi Julie,

I don't know how you do it. I would hate to have to go back to that. Even though being disabled really sucks, it guarantees I will never go back to the world of men. This is sometimes scary and sometimes relieving. I miss being able to make $80-100k a year, but I don't miss having to live in the world of men pretending to be one of them, when in reality, I am nothing like them.