I am in hell

[Randi]

Some of you will remember that I have stopped using Estrogen & Spiro in order to prepare for blood tests and to establish a realistic baseline for my hormone levels. For the past couple of weeks I have been on the emotional roller coaster I was on last year. Sometimes I think I can't take it-then I will be ok for a while.

Today I spent time with my family at my parent's house. I find that I care nothing about being around others when I struggle and have little or no patience with them. So I try to spend as much time alone as possible. I feel like a living contradiction in terms-torn apart by pressures from both sides. Yes, life is hell today.

Randi

[Devlyn]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I hope things get better soon, hugs, Tracey

[Janet_Girl]

How long have you been off them, Randi?  And how much longer?

Surely you can get the tests do by now.

[blackMamba]

I don't understand what kind of baseline you are hoping to establish by going off the hormones.  The male and female normal levels are already established, so what do they think they will be gaining by getting your non-HRT measurements?  Are you confident this doctor knows what they are doing?

[Muffins]

distracting yourself is great at times like this..... I find reading and sitting in the sun to be two positive things to do when feeling hormonally sketchy.

[Vicky]

Sorry to hear it girl, I dread the idea of being off even when it will be to prep for the op.

[Just Kate]

Some of you will remember that I have stopped using Estrogen & Spiro in order to prepare for blood tests and to establish a realistic baseline for my hormone levels. For the past couple of weeks I have been on the emotional roller coaster I was on last year. Sometimes I think I can't take it-then I will be ok for a while.

Today I spent time with my family at my parent's house. I find that I care nothing about being around others when I struggle and have little or no patience with them. So I try to spend as much time alone as possible. I feel like a living contradiction in terms-torn apart by pressures from both sides. Yes, life is hell today.

Randi

Thankfully, once this period is over, you'll be able to go back on your hormones.  It does suck though, when I'm vulnerable I do everything I can to avoid my GID triggers for fear of spiraling out of control.

[AbraCadabra]

Randi...
ops, just got sidetracked for a second.
I'm off E for the next 15 + 21 DAYS (15 pre- 21 post-op). Been ramping down over some  5 - 6 weeks, yet did not see me clear (so far) of at least one major GID attack.

But speaking to Muffin and 1:1 MeganAndrews, and then some, really helped to get over previous bad rough spot. Let's hope it will last.

Even though having some more insight/crying fits before breakfast left me jolly and laughing right now. Roller-coaster I guess --- so baby-shoes there has to be an upside. "Let the sun shine, let the sun shine..." What goes down must come up.

Really feeling with you in this (like most all of us do :-)
Hug,
Axelle

[Randi]

Thanks everybody for posting. What little sanity I have these days greatly appreciates you all.
Over a year ago, I had a bad encounter with my primary care doctor over all of this and started DIY and did not go further with official SOC protocols-as I should have then.

Black Mamba-I am doing this in order to prepare for seeing the doctor and I want everything to be as close to 'natural' as I can get-I started to say normal but I have never been that. 
Muffin-that is a good point about finding distractions and I do love to read.
Interalia-I hear ya! I was in a spiral yesterday but am feeling better today.
Janet-it probably has been long enough already and I need to see someone soon. I have been off the meds for a little over a month and a half and I have moments when I want to scream. The physical effects are worse than ever-I awoke last night with another extreme muscle cramp in my left foot. Now when I walk it feels like a pulled muscle. It may be unrelated but my arthritis pain has kicked into overdrive and I am miserable to say the least.

One important thing I have learned is this condition does not just go away and it can be difficult to deal with mentally. 

[Janet_Girl]

You have went more than most girls do prior to SRS.  Definite time to get the base line and fire up the HRT machine again.