Afraid as hell and I need help

[Brittani A.]

Hi I am Linda A. and am a very scared transsexual. I was supposed to change my name, as told by an on-line Dr. but right now as a caregiver don't have the time or money. BS that is just an excuse. I am afraid to wear makeup in public, dress in female clothing, but I do wear a ponytail and nice long curly hair. I have been laughed at since I am 56 and my mom was in a nursing home the workers looked between my legs when I told them I was trans. I live in Stockton Ca a very bad place. I am very frustrated that I cannot just put on makeup and clothing for my gender. I know that a therapist is crucial but w/o money I have to wait for medi-cal. I am on HRT for 2 years now using patches. I wonder will I ever get the nerve to put on a blouse and pantsuit and go out? It really maddens me when my Dr. said I am on the close side of 60 and I have to do this name change and go full time. I get mister-ed all the time and have never been called miss but one time. My nose is big, my ears are big not pierced. My upper lip is wrong my eyes are too close together etc. I am taking prescription pain meds norco to ease the pain and to forget the mental pain too. I have paruresis. bodyfat

[Renate]

Hmm. <scratches her head>

I don't think that a therapist should really be telling you what to do.
As far as your name change, that might be something that you want to do.
If you are poor enough, a Financial Waiver Affidavit will make the court cover the costs of a name change.

Living full-time is mostly a case of confidence and a sense of self-dignity.
Ok, that might not be helpful going into this if you don't have confidence yet.

56 is not particularly old. It's your life. Fix it if you want.

Good luck.

[Cindy]

This may sound cruel.
I'm, 58 have a disabled wife and live my life. No one tells what I can and cannot do. I do it, If you are fat, exercise and diet, no other way to lose weight. There is a very simple formula, calories in = calories out. Facing life is as Renate said self confidence. At our age you do it by doing it. Who in the godesses world would want to look between your legs. Get real. If you want help seek it, we will try and give it,  but don't fabricate silly stuff, we have been there, we live there, we know what the life is like.

Now do a sensible post and we will listen and help

Cindy

[sallypost]

I came out in a very conservative area of my state.  It was difficult and I was pretty terrified thinking I was going to get mugged or assaulted.  The worst after 3 years has been a few rude comments and a couple kids trying to run me off the road once. 

I found for myself, it was a process of finding really outstanding support to go with me and get comfortable.  My friends who knew and understood went out and helped me shop, get to my appointments and a lot more.  They were kind, understanding and really supported me. 

Doing this process alone would have been a very difficult if not impossible.  Who do you have who knows and would be willing to be a buffer to help you come out safely and with  a plan.

Oh yes, it would have been SO much better if I had a Coming Out Plan and actually planned how to do it.  I would HIGHLY recommend you sit down and plan it out.  If your therapist isn't supportive, change.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Linda.  I understand the fear of going out as the real you.  I kept me from transitioning 20 years ago or so.  But I am now transitioning, and I began at 54.  I also went back to school at 57 and I am having the time of my life.

As Renate stated you can file the waver of fees and begin the process of name change.  As to the clothes, begin small.  Maybe just women's pants.  Later add a top.  If you can get a doctor to sign on for HRT, try to do it with informed consent.  Walmart and Walgreens have low cost medication prices.

And as you may notice, many of us are over 50, and some are even having SRS as we speak.  You can do it.  Just develop the "I don't care, I am ME." attitude.  Not that you need to get nasty about it.  Just to give you the boost to step forward.

[Julie Marie]

I began my transition at the tender age of 57, three years ago.  I used to have that age thing acting as a blockade to transitioning. 

The fear you have isn't unusual at all.  We know society and being given funny looks, hearing cruel comments or worse, experiencing a physical assault is what can be waiting out there for us.  But that doesn't mean it will be.

The major tells in being read are 1) beard shadow 2) deep voice 3) dressing like a hooker 4) male walk and mannerisms and a few others.  But I think you get the idea.  If it looks like a duck...

SF is about two hours from you.  If you can, find groups there you can meet up with there.  Maybe you can find one in Stockton.  You can gain a lot of confidence and help through support groups.

[Sephirah]

Hi I am Linda A. and am a very scared transsexual. I was supposed to change my name, as told by an on-line Dr. but right now as a caregiver don't have the time or money. BS that is just an excuse. I am afraid to wear makeup in public, dress in female clothing, but I do wear a ponytail and nice long curly hair. I have been laughed at since I am 56 and my mom was in a nursing home the workers looked between my legs when I told them I was trans. I live in Stockton Ca a very bad place. I am very frustrated that I cannot just put on makeup and clothing for my gender. I know that a therapist is crucial but w/o money I have to wait for medi-cal. I am on HRT for 2 years now using patches. I wonder will I ever get the nerve to put on a blouse and pantsuit and go out? It really maddens me when my Dr. said I am on the close side of 60 and I have to do this name change and go full time. I get mister-ed all the time and have never been called miss but one time. My nose is big, my ears are big not pierced. My upper lip is wrong my eyes are too close together etc. I am taking prescription pain meds norco to ease the pain and to forget the mental pain too. I have paruresis. bodyfat

What is it you're scared of, hon? Or, perhaps more importantly, why are you scared? What do you think is likely to happen if you do what scares you? Getting to the root of these things can often make the fears go away, or at least lessen to the point where you can act without them paralysing you.

It seems from your post that you're causing yourself far more pain from these fears, and frustration with your hesitation, than anything you could possibly get from just thinking "to hell with it" and doing it anyway.