To be, or not to be?

[jillian]

   This round of attempting to opress my feminine identity lead me to finally admit that I am transgendered. My therapist got me to say it, and it feels so good to say it, like a load of bricks got taken off my shoulders. I am transgendered.

   However, in my head I want to transition. I want to begin a new life, the way it should of been. I love my wife, like nothing else, but sometimes I feel as if the premise around our relationship was a lie, because I was hiding who I really am.  I have literally become slightly obssesive about transitioning. I think its because I am 33 and I am scared if I wait any longer I wont really ever look female.

   The thing that is f***ing me up the most is, just after I came out to my wife, like literally the next day, we found out we were pregnant. Words cannot describe the rollercoaster of emotions that I am riding. At a time when I should be happy, I am depressed and terrified, full of fear and resentment.   
Part of me is trying to push this all back inside and go back into hiding...but I cant. Last time the only reason I could is because the one night stand I had gave me an std HSV2.  Have you ever felt herpes in your butt? It is painful.  This ordeal allowed me to oppress the feminine part of me, and move forward up until now.  So what will it take now to send myself back into the closet? I dont think it is possible.

    Life is short. If I transition now, Ill lose my job, I know it. If I dont, I might lose my sanity.  The clinic has me seeing a therpaist twice a month. I need to se her every f***ing day, I need help.  Another hour and I get my hour long drive to work through the vast empty nevada desert. Alot of time to think.
I really think this would of been soo much easier if I was just born a girl, however, maybe from my struggles, someone else may be saved the pain of what I am dealing with.

[AbraCadabra]

Jillian,
as they say: life can be a bitch, and NOTHING ever goes as planned.

You are obviously swamped with all the long repressed stuff flooding into your "knowing brain".

So what on earth to do next? Don't despair, take long deep breath. Lots if needed.

First the unborn baby. Have no idea about you poor wife but she needs to be featured in all of this. Have you come out to her? Where does she stand?

It be TERRIBLE for you as tans-person (MtF) if she would want to terminate. But ultimately her decision. Right now it's her body but the poor girl will need your moral and all other support. Must rise above your current drama/tragic and think about LIFE. If too selfish now, I promise you will SO regret it. Big promise you will!

OK, next no need to jump in the deep end. All I know of US situation (self SA/UK system) the soonest be getting on hormones is after 3 month in therapy according to WPATH (old Benjamin rules).
Do not try jump this minimum requirement by doing DIY. It will screw with your mind, I promise! And then be a statistc. DON'T!

No need right now to even go much further. Also no need to think RLE right now and get into drama around work-situation. Easy does it.
If needed to do some CD stuff at home and no issue with wife, go ahead it will take some pressure off.

Don't try think too far ahead right now as lots can change in short time. 3 month is pretty short time. YOU WILL SURVIVE, no need to think becoming statistic. And think of that beautiful baby. VERY, very precious. You will find out if not already.

Will be back, take care dear,
Axelle

[spacial]

Are you concerned about your baby because it may stall your plans to transision, or because you are worried about the effect things may have on her?

[jillian]

I resent the baby because of the timing. I totally had just admitted to myself that either I am transgendered or insane. I scheduled a meeting with a therapist, and my wife had just decided that she would see this through with me, with no expectations, even if that meant the man she fell in love with would cease to exist.
The only real stepping stone I have now is my family and my job.  I love my family, but I think that if I came out, they would have to decide to stand by me, not me.
My job is the only ?  however, I am not stupid, and have an excellent work ethic, so I think eventually I would find my place, and if my wife had to leave me, she would find someone better than me, because I would insist....

However, now there is a little one, which adds a whole new dynamic to this already strange situation.  I am terrified.  Simply scared to death.  Before this, I was thinking about suicide everyday.  Not thinking that I should, just thinking of it as an option.  Not a good state of mind.  Now I am completely ->-bleeped-<-ed up.  Today on my hour drive to work I kept having terrible thoughts of harming myself. I was literally balling as I am trying to drive 75mph through the nevada desert. The only one who I can talk to is my wife.  Thank God for her.  I told her I didnt want the baby. I know it is selfish, but I need to be.  I never imagined considering this, and I dont think I could put her through this, but I feel like if I dont, this is going to become harder to face, and I will opress it if it doesnt kill me first, and next time it hits, I will be older, more depressed, and even in a more difficult situation.

Ive been through drug addiction, homelessness, jail, all of which I can, if I look honestly, attribute to me being transgendered. It has never gone away, Ive just found egotistical ways to hide it and oppress it. I am very depressed right now. Through everything in my life, Ive never felt depression. Ive felt heart break, loss, grief, joy, ive been inspired, and felt the warmth of a spiritual presence.  Ive never been completely depressed like this for this long.  I am scared, I am confused, and I am literally going crazy.  I have an 80k plus job, and I am being seriously considered for a 6 figure salary.  I am in the midst of a job, the likes of which none of their higher ups could make money on. Not that the job is hard, I actually have a talent for this kind of work, its just everything. My whole life seems like it is going to explode.

I went from occasionally smoking marijuanna to doing it every night, however I dont drink at all. Not that I think smoking pot is bad, but obviously it is no coincedence that my input increased.  I left a message and an email for my therapist who I am not scheduled to see for 2 and a half weeks.  The only time I dont think about transitioning or whats going on, is when I am working. Only if I am busy though. Today was freaking SLOW.

I apologize for ranting, but if I dont reach out, I am scared of what I might reach for.  I dont think I could take my own life, but I never thought Id think about it again once I got off crystal meth. That was 6/1/2001......10 years tomorrow :-) 

[jillian]

Thats a very good point.

I think I am being extremely selfish over something I dont have to be selfish about.
I feel terrible for that, and I know it is no excuse, but my mind is a fury.
At times I feel lke I just have to hold on.
I think I need to see a therapist more than once a month.  It is very hard in las vegas to find info on transgender therapists. Then again i dont even know if there's a difference.

[spacial]

jillian.

I can see this, what I'm about to write, being read in a number of ways.

I can see some possibly seeing it as a rather blunt, almost personal attack upon you. I don't mean it that way at all.

I can see it as some profound truth, which you will respond to by accepting that it's reality, but you can't help it.

I can see some saying, probably accurately, that I'm over streaching myself here, claiming too much insight. Accepted.

I can see some saying I'm simply misunderstanding. I don't think I am ay all.

jillian. You are looking for excuses. And in the process, wallowing in self pity. Though I believe the self pity comes from the excuses.

That was, frankly a terrible thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Your increased intoxicant use is entirely self indulgent. You don't need any. You've increased it so you can have more reason to feel sorry for yourself.

You hadn't made yourself ready to transision. I don't doubt you've wanted it for a long time. Join the club, there's several thousand of us here. But your plans were never that firm and you were looking for any reason step back.

Now I am the last one to criticise anyone else for making excuses. I have a wonderful list. (My current is a corker). Transision is a big step. A really really big step into the unknown. Some have made it. Some of us have not.

But one thing I've learnt is, that when our excuses are that someone is in the way, that creates resentment. When those people we've put in the way are a pregnant woman and a baby, it's time to think again.

I am really sorry to say this jillian, but I strongly ask you, think again.

Hugs.

[jillian]

You are right spacial. Not so much about finding an excuse to not transition, but about me being horrible.

We talked about it last night for quite a while, and my wife showed me article after article and testimony after testimony of husband and wife who became wife and wife.  She said she wouldnt want it any other way and would never look back :-)

The more I read about it, the better I feel.   
I could never let anything happen to my wife or our baby. The truth is, I am terrified. Not just a little bit, but as much as a person can be.  My heart seems to be constantly racing, and this fear is based off of what others will think. Others who are not my wife.  That is not right, and I realize it.

Another part of my fear is sex. I am bisexual, but I love my wife, and at first she had a tendency to only want to go so far.  I love feeling two or three fingers, but to me, I also love to feel the "real" thing. The solution to this is very simple. Dildo :-) however she has had reservations about it. However, after last night. I think she has begun to love it.

The way she is responding is really putting this all in my court. I dont have to be self destructive, or negative. She is by my side and she is not going anywhere. :-)  If I choose to get out of whack like I did yesterday, its because of me. 

Thanks for listening  <3

PS my therapist didnt call me back yesterday, Im goign to give her till today, and when/if she does, the first question Im going to ask her is "whats the difference between transgender, and gender identity disorder?    I dont think she is a real gender therapist.  Information is extremely difficult to find on this, as is info on gender therapists in las vegas, let alone one who will take my insurance. Ive used google and bing, if anyone has any links to some resources, please help :-)

[spacial]

jillian.

I cannot tell you how happy I am that you have worked past this silly block.

You have a lot of problems to face in the future, mainly because, that's life. This one is, thankfully, sorted.

Incidently, your wife sounds like quite a catch.

[jillian]

She is quite a catch. I am very fortunate to have found her.

Today is going to be a great day.

I think the only proper way to handle work is just go there and work. As good as I am, if I suddenly find myself unemployed only because of my feminimity, then I think when the dust settles, work will not be a priority anymore.

It still is scary, being judged by ones peers. Especially those peers who have known you as the person you are when your walls are built high.  However, a few searches on the internet is enough to inform ones self of reality. So if they are ignorant towards me, it is their bad, not mine.

[JulyaOrina]

Jillian,
        You are extremely lucky to have an SO that is supportive.  There is nothing better than having your support system start at home.  Keep in mind that there will be a transition for her as well, you will need to let her process things as they happen, and it may be the small things that are hard for her.  You need to make yourself right with yourself, to be the best you, you can be for those around you.  But, right now it's not all about you, as much as you want it to be.  Once the pregnancy hormones really start kicking in, you'll need to be supportive of your wife as well.  Having a baby can be a daunting experience all on it's own, so don't neglect the mental preparation you'll need to become a parent.  Everything happens as and when it is supposed to.  And, as they say in AA, take it one day at a time...  Then, one day you'll look up to see, that you're exactly where you wanted to be; hopefully, with a loving family around you.   

[jillian]

Thank you. Sometimes these emotions get so intense that I forget how simple life really is <3<3<3

[JulyaOrina]

I am early in my transition, I have four kids, and a supportive SO.  My first was conceived through condoms AND the pill (talk about a surprise...)  I am happy to be a resource in any aspect I can be.