Introduction to me

[jillian]

 Hello ladies, I am 32, I am married, and one day after completely coming out to my wife ( meaning she knew I had some gender issues) we found out we were pregnant.
She is currently 6 weeks.

I started seeing a therapist in an industrial setting (not sure about it, but she is nice and non judging)

My wife has decided to stay with me while we go through this.

First off. It is my dream to be able to 100% transition. I have serious resentment issues towards the masculine parts of my body.  I am still closeted to everyone but one friend, my wife, and my therapist.

I am dealing with alot of fear, confusion, and self esteem issues.

I am also 5'11 205 pounds and I am muscular. I am attempting to almost starve myself to lose muscle mass. Dont worry I am eating. I want to be 150.

Here is a summary of life until now:

Its not easy for me.  I have this yearning to be female, 100%. Its getting harder and harder to ignore.

The weird thing is, I seem to have being a man down pat. However, when I am alone, all I want is to be the female me. I wish I could wake up from this life and be in a life where I am female.

Slowly it is reaching from that universe and taking over this one.  There are times when I cant even look at a woman, and not feel totally consumed with an intense desire to be female.

I am scared. I will not lie. Ive noticed this getting more and more intense, I think due to the fact that I am getting older, and my time is running out. Now Im having a baby and everything seems so sureal. Like I am in some sort of halucinogenic trip.

The worst part is I find myself hoping for horrible things.  Like in my head I will catch myself hoping that my dad passes away so I dont have to face him with the real me eexposed. I love my dad, but I know he would never accept it, and I feel like I would hurt him, and his hopes and dreams of having a successful son will be smashed.
Lately I keep hoping that maybe she is really not pregnant. I dont understand why I would think that...well no. Thats a lie. I think that because the day after I became assertive about my gender, we found out we were pregnant. At first I was excited and totally had a man moment where I felt like a man. I felt like I will do anything for this child, and thats still true, however really quick it became another person I would have to make endure the fact that I was transgendered.

The ->-bleeped-<-ed up thing is. I do not think it is bad to be this way. However my experience has shown me that these human I am forced to exist with, are self righteous and extremely judgemental. Honestly I think this is fear, but for the sake of communication, well say the former. So I feel as though Ill have to make my loved ones endure the criticism of their peers.

I know I am ->-bleeped-<-ed up for thinking like this. When I play a man, I am confident, outgoing, responsible, and dependable. If I say something I do it. Except for this, however I know as a woman I would be this way. I so want to completely let my gaurd down and just be me.  It is very difficult. I feel like a fraud on top of everything else, and this counters a reputation Ive worked very hard to build.

I am totall in conundrum. I will not lie. I think about suicide daily, it pops into my head as a solution, however thanks to my previous life as a drug addict, I know that it is not a solution, but the pain inside can be so bad that it seems like one. I know there is a unifying force in this universe, for it saved me from total despair when I was on drugs, I had even made the decision to kill myself at that time, and I prayed to god for another way, and I the cops showed up almost instantly and took me to jail. That was the last day I used crystal meth.

I began to tell myself that this feeling of not being in the right body was a mere artifact from my drug addiction. However it wasnt. I was trying to wear my moms dresses when I was 5 or 6. When I was 9 and 10 I was playing the female role when I was alone with friends. I would always want to be the princess. Even around 11 or 12 when we experimented with each other. I would pretend to be the girl.  How could this be something from my drug addiction?

My wife, right when we first met and then moved in with each other. She had transgendered come up on the search history. I denied it. The only lie I had told her at that time, and she believed it. We proceeded to get married, and then I finally came out to her about it. It was our first year in our first house.
Things have gotten rocky since then. At first we would use toys and strap ons, but she was never into it, and it always felt like I was forcing her. Totally not a turn on. I started to crave dick, big time. I had an affair with a man from craigslist, who couldnt seem to get enough of me, and I caught HSV2. To have that inside your hole ->-bleeped-<-ing hurts. Well I got ulcers, which got infected and turned to sepsis and I almost died.  She didnt get it, nor can she. We were almost divorced right then and there.

The awfulness that I felt, I genuinely was sorry for the pain I caused her. I never wanted to hurt her. Words cannot express how terrible I felt. Not because I got caught, but for the hurt I caused her. To this point I have never been unfaithful to anyone, let alone the woman I decide to marry.

We got over that, we actually grew a stronger connection that manifested from a physical/emotional connection, to a spiritual one as well. However. It wasnt long before it started again, and this time it is the most intense I have ever felt it. I cant keep ignoring it. I dont feel complete. :-(

I started seeing a therapist. I dont know what to think. The place is like an industrial counseling center. With checks and balances. She has a private practice but doesnt take insurance, so Im stuck at her 9-5.  Im going to keep going though. 
I started smoking alot of weed as well. Its only weed though, so I dont care, but it makes me less tense...I think.

So there you have it. Me. I am pretty ->-bleeped-<-ed up right now. However, Im working on it, so that should count for something

Somedays I feel like I am crasy or schizo. Other days I am okay. The only time I feel at ease is when I let my gaurd down and allow my insides to shine through.
I will not lie, mostly everyday I have thought, at least once of suicide. I dont believe I could ever do it, but it is there.

Part of me thinks I waited to long and now I will never be able to pass as a woman because of my muscular build

Part of me resents the pregnancy

Part of me wants to disappear and run away

Part of me wants to scream that I am transgendered and I am female

Part of me is in fear of losing my 80k job that I have worked so hard to succeed at
Part of me is in fear of being judged by my family and letting everyone down.

Am I the only one who has gone through this rollercoaster like this?

[jillian]

sorry if it is too long. I need to put myself out there, and this is the only way I know how :-)

[spacial]

jillian.

Thank you for your intro. It certainly isn't too long. Some of the missives I turn out get so long en I get bored!!

Thank you for also being so frank. It's good to meet you and I'm sure you will find a lot of anwers here.

[jillian]

Thank you. I hope so. I am in a period of some intense mood swings.
Overall I am on the verge of coming out, however sometimes I get overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Actually, quite a bit.
Inside I cannot hide this anymore, it doesnt feel right and Ive begun to be ate up with guilt over feeling as though I am living a lie.
Thanks for allowing me to be part of this community :-)

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Jillian,

Welcome to our little family. Over 6900 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

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Congratulations on the baby, first.  And much of your story is S.O.P.  So many have been down that road.  But you have begun the proper journey with the therapist.  Here you will only find people who will be like BTDT in attitude.  Nothing much surprises us. 

Hugs and Love,
Janet

_{For the confused: SOP = Standard Operating Procedure.  Many go through the exact same thing.
BTDT = Been There, Done That. Like SOP}

[jillian]

Thank you. It feels nice to know that in this big world. I am not the only person like me :-)

[Robyn]

We aren't all the same, Jillian, but line ten of us up, and we'd probably cover most items on your list.

Advice? Two things:

(1) Find a gender counselor and get working on these issues.

(2) Don't transition faster than your wife can keep up with. With patience, love, and letting her have SOME say in transition speed, you may survive this with family intact.

Best wishes.

Robyn

[jillian]

There are times when I wish I wasnt having a baby, and I wish she would just leave me.

I am definetley bi, but I seem to crave men, more than I crave women. Even when the wife and I get intimate, I penetrate her to satisfy her, for me, I prefer to be pentrated as well.

The good news is I am seeing a counselor. I sent her a message as well informing her that I think my therapy needs to be more intense.
Time will tell.

[JulyaOrina]

Welcome Jillian,
       I had many parallels to your situation.  It was five years into our relationship, before I told my wife.  Our youngest (of four) was a year and a half old at the time.  Without the support of my wife i don't know if I would have been out as much as I am now.  One of the best things she asked me, which helped me to be honest with myself, was, "If there was no one else involved, no friends, no family to complicate matters, and  I was on my own; what path would I take?"  The best thing I can do for those around me, is to be the whole me, comfortable in my own skin, and take the path to becoming a happier me.  Your child will know no difference, and will likely be raised without the prejudiced gender bias rampant in our society.  My own, "man walls" were built high, and strong.  That is the part that has shocked most people when coming out to them...  But, you need to do what is right for you in order to be the best person you can be for those around you.  Commit yourself to your wife, it seems (based on what I have to go on) she is supportive and will be an ally for you.  But, seriously look into contingency plans to keep the relationship in tact, i.e, polyamory, swinging, sharing, et cetera...  Do take into consideration any jealousy concerns.  But, base it on keeping her needs fulfilled, not yours.  And (to reinforce the statement) move your timeline according to your wife's comfort level.  I too am losing weight, though it sounds like yours is a lot more muscle than mine...  I have gone from 214 to 178 in about six months, and am also 5'11"; with a goal of 150#.  If and when you start HRT, you'll lose quite a bit of muscle mass.  You'll want to retain about 20% body fat for breast and hip development, so don't over do it on on weight loss.  Talk openly to your wife about where you are mentally.  Allow her to process the information but keep the lines of dialog open.  It sounds like you are on the right path...   There are many warm, welcoming, and informative folks on here, so welcome, and let your wife know that there is a SO section on here for her as well.