split personalities

[jillian]

I am feeling very anxious. It feels at times like I have split personalities, only im the same person and my gender is all that is changed. However, I am not comfortable in my masculine self. Yet when I look in the mirror at my feminine self, I feel a complete lack of self esteem and confidence, all of which I had as my masculine self.
At times I feel like a creep or a weirdo, or just insane. Other times I feel like Im an impostor or a fraud. Others I feel guilty for lying to those who love me....

This continues to eat at me. I start therapy tomorrow, and I keep saying one more day, but today it hurts.
Someties I wish I could just be rid of this, and just be the masculine me, but part of me wants no part of that....

[MRH]

Hey there Jillian. I can completely understand where you're coming from here. A lot of the time I seem to move back and forth through genders and my opinion on both seems to change from time to time. I want to be male and I know that is who I am but I do struggle with feeling male sometimes and find that sometimes I'm less confident but that's maybe because I'm too scared to be completely myself around people who will automatically see female so my confidence goes down but at the same time I can not be confident as female as that feels wrong and I hate what I see when I see myself as female but this can change. Some mornings I look in the mirror and I think that I see a pretty good looking girl and it would be a shame to part with that person and I think would I actually feel better if I looked more male? I sometimes feel like I lied to my friends. Ive told them I should be a man and that I cant live if I cant be that but some days I think that I'm happy as I am and I shouldn't have made them worry. I think my issue is that I'm scared of things changing even if change is for the better. I'm also scared of losing people close to me and my partner who I always thought I'd be with through out my life. I think my conflicting views on myself comes from that part of me that is dealing with the pros and cons of my gender. The side that says "You are female!" is the part that wants an easy life. The part that wants to keep everyone happy and live a lie in silence to prevent any hurt to other people. Its the part that wants to marry a straight man, have children as a straight couple and not have as many issues with peoples thoughts on gay marriage etc. The part that says "You are male!" is that the part that wants to experience life as the person I should be. The part that is willing to fight and battle and possibly lose people to be the man that I am and the part that wants to be in a gay marriage and be a gay parent even though that will be much harder than if I was in a straight relationship as people might be judgemental. Its OK to feel this way even though it is pulling you apart. You just need to battle one day at a time and maybe keep a note of what you feel and why you think you feel that way about your gender.

[jillian]

I actually feel content being female, until I realize I have to face everyone in the world that knows me as a man.  The social and economic issues are the ones that are wearing on me. I know they say it gets better, but I can only see that happening in a new world with people who dont know me. Maybe Im being pessimistic, I think that if I was pretty it would be so much easier.

I think about death more, I often hope that if I die, that I can come back a girl.
I really dont want to die just yet. I want to be able to be me without fear of losing everything.

I can start over if I have to, I guess the real fear with my job is losing everything and not getting SRS.

I dont know, maybe I m selfish.

Thanks MRH for relating to me. 

[MRH]

No I don't think you are selfish. Its a scary thing to deal with and not many people can understand even if you try to explain it over and over again. I'm waiting for things to get better too and even though it feels like this pain is gonna go on and on I know that at some point it has to and will get better even if it takes years. I'm as pessimistic as they come and I even think about death a lot. At times I don't care what other people will feel if I die because at least things are easier for me but I don't wanna give up yet because I've managed to get this far and that is an achievement even if it doesn't feel that way. I get nervous in social situations. It also doesn't help that I suffer from a few mental health issues such as voice hearing and hallucinations so that doesn't leave me feeling that confident at the best of times. I want to be male in public but I struggle if I'm with people who know me as female such as my family and I get stuck in this place where I'm battling with myself and most of the time I just sit in a corner and don't speak to people which sometimes comes across as being rude. I'm trying to not care about that and just be male even if people don't understand. There are many risks we need to take and as I said I sometimes think its best to stay as I am so that life around me goes smoother but life inside my brain gets worse. Do whatever feels best I suppose and know that it might be scary and horrible when dealing with certain situations but there are hundreds of people all feeling this way and there are a lot of awesome people on this site who can help you feel better.

[Sephirah]

It's like living life with your clothes on and then trying to live that same life after taking them off and being naked. It's only natural that you'd feel this way, honey. You feel psychologically stripped of the things you've been using to interact with everything. Of course that's unsettling. Don't blame yourself for feeling that way, at all. *hug*

You can hate something yet still rely on it. It almost seems like a form of Stockholm Syndrome, where the captor is your male physiology and your true female self is the one held captive. You're a prisoner within your own flesh but you feel like you need that prison to function.

In essence you are the same person. Being male bodied doesn't define who you are anymore than being female bodied does. You still love, and hurt, and want, and need, and hope. You still like art or dislike cabbages or whatever it may be. You don't change your personality and your sense of self to match your physiology, it's the other way around.

Honey, I think it comes down to this. A girl called Jillian has recently awoken from a deep sleep... and she needs time to get her bearings and find herself. She's facing the world for the first time, everything's new to her, and she needs time to adjust. Be patient with her. *hug*

[jillian]

I am so grateful for your optimism.

[Amazon D]

In essence you are the same person. Being male bodied doesn't define who you are anymore than being female bodied does. You still love, and hurt, and want, and need, and hope. You still like art or dislike cabbages or whatever it may be. You don't change your personality and your sense of self to match your physiology, it's the other way around.

Actually i changed so much i now love myself whereas before transitioning i hated myself. I am 14 yrs post op. Living as a female gave me new mental tapes which have since erased the past ones so far behind me i am a new person. Yes i still do not like beets but i am changed from all the surgeries and a chance to live a new life and be a totally different person. Yes i had to move away from my family for over 10 yrs and that helped a very lot. Today i dress in male clothes but would never change my gender back surgically or legally. The only thing i didn't like was that i ended up looking too good and men now wanted me and i hated that. ironically i use to be a letch and now i had men letching after me