SpaceyGirl.
Anxiety is a major and crippling mental illness. It does indeed distort perceptions, emotions, the functioning of the body and even causes serious physical illness.
The problem many have is they are unable to fully identify with the problems of those with serious anxiety. I wish I could add, but not I, sadly, I'm at least as intolerate and unsympathetic as anyone else.
I'm making this point to say that, what you are feeling and the consequences are real. You are not imagining anything. Help exists, but is enormously expensive and time consuming. Also it does need a huge amount of co-operation and willingness from the patient. This final point tend to cause the most friction.
If you have a support worker, then I hope you are able to develop a secure enough relationship that you can be guided by their advice. In the mean time, you don't need to justify or rationalise yourself at all.
I have known a lot of people in my life, who suffer terribly from anxiety and the one thing I know every one of them has in common is none would willingly choose to have this problem.
You are not to blame here. You don't need to ask permission from anyone to exist. You have the same right to exist as all of us.
When I was about 15, my mother gave me a copy of the Deseradata. It has probably been one of the most important texts of my life. I have to say, supassing the Gospels or the Serenity prayer. There is a line in it which applies here and to you. I do hope you will remember it.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.
