I think for me, it was that I had just given up on life in general. I didn't have the easiest childhood, I never got to talk about the feelings I had with my parents or family, and every few months for many years things would happen that just made it seem like my world was falling apart. I guess, giving up, was sort of a coping strategy, I just sort of accepted that things were going to be terrible and then I was going to die.
Of Course, that never happened, eventually after being abandoned by my mother again (I have been abandoned by my parents many times in the course of my childhood), setting alone in a house with no water or power, just waiting, my brother came and gave me a place to stay. It took me many years since that point to finally realize that I do have some measure of control over my life.
I suppose I knew what I was even as a child, but since I felt I had no future there was no point in pursuing it, after I took a bit of control over my life, fear and guilt held me back. Fear of failure and guilt that I had deceived everyone up until this point. Fear of failure gradually faded, and with the situation with my wife, I hardly feel guilty anymore, her deceptions were far greater and malicious than my own. My friends support me, and I haven't spoken much to my family, I sincerely don't care what they think, they are terrible people for the most part.
