So I am 1 week from our 6 year anniversary, 5 months from my 34th birthday, and 7 months from the birth of our first child.
The situation is my fault because I lied to myself and the people around me for years. I now know that every part of me yearns to transition. I know that if I was offered a choice to continue living as a man, or to die and be reborn as a girl, I would choose to die. This is how strong the feeling is to be female.
My wife at times seems okay with it, and willing to see it through with love, and at other times she seems completely heartbroken. I am the man of her dreams. The life that she endured, however terrible it was, became worth it when we met. Im not saying this to toot my horn, this is why we got married.
I love her dearly, and I always will, and I told her I dont want her to leave me, but if she had too I wouldnt hate her.
Im sitting here this morning because I understand the toll my decision will have on others. My wife will lose her husband, my parents, their son, my sisters their brother, my unborn child, its father. Sometimes I think this decision is he most selfish thing I can do, but then I think that if I am not right I could never truly be selfless...(hence the confusion)
I worry about my wife, and who she will meet next, and if they will try to keep me from the baby, that is if she leaves me. Or if my mom will have a breakdown or a heart attack, or the crap my dad will get from his macho buddies whom I never really cared for anyways. I do not want my decisions to hurt the quality of life others have found. At the same time, if I continue down this road, a big part of me will always feel empty.
As it is now, the moment I get home I become Jillian, my wife still calls me Joe, because I am scared to tell her because I dont want to move to fast. As one of you nice people suggested. The more I play with clothes and make up, and look at pics of you girls, the more I start to realize I could be very pretty. This just makes me want to fast forward this process, not to mention my age. I know Im not too old, but since I realized that HRT results are indirectly proportionate to age, I feel like I am running out of time.
Thanks to you girls, yesterday I felt beautiful inside. That was quickly confused by the heartache my wife suddenly had. Could be her hormones, but it is still her hurting. I dont want her to hurt. I told her that nothing was happening now, and that whatever happens will happen over time. She said she is worried about the pain I will endure on this journey. I know it will not be easy, but I think the pain would be worth it. Hell I spend most nights sitting on my testicles.....(bad joke, but it is true)
Sometimes I wonder if the thing to do is run away.
I dont know. Im not looking for any answers, or any magic fix its. I am just practicing catharasis.
Then the next issue will be when I transition. I have become obsessed with becoming female. I am constantly on here reading and researching, looking at make up and clothes. Looking at men, wondering what it would be like to feel them inside me. I love my wife, but I am also fearful of the desire to be with a man. Yes we use toys and stuff, but the few times I have been with men, while some definetley not as good as others, it has been ecstatic. I do love anal, however I am not a fan of the preperation that must go into it. However the idea of being penetrated and the waves of pleasure that I get, only intensify the desire to get complete SRS. I can even look at naked women anymore without feeling jealous and/or envious.
Sometmes I think I am just crazy, and that all I need is 100 pills a day. Other times I know that if I follow my heart, I will feel free.
I dont want to hurt anyone, let alone the people I love.
