Seeking Answers

[HonestReflections]

I am 20 years old, and I finally stopped running from this. I thought I was crazy, but I realized that I wasn't. At first, I was relieved. Now, I just want to die. I am physically female with a D/DD bust. I came out as a lesbian 5 years ago, and my mom and her family are still trying to change me. My Dad an dhis family are still there for me and accept me. I now live in a small WV town where gay sare beaten up. I carry an EMS knife on me at all times, have a German Shepherd/Wolf mix for protection and company, and have a gun by my bed. I am dating someoen and she is hinting at wanting to be engaged. But now I am questioning everything- my spirituality, my sexuality... I feel like a freak, and I don't even bother to bind anymore. I have to use ace bandages, and my gf helps me arrange things. I feel like an idiot, so I don't usually bind anymore. I just can't hide them well. I look in the mirror and I see a monster. I feel like two different people. There is so much that I haven't figured out, and I plan on starting T in the next few months. My gf is supportive and uses male pronouns and such, and I call myself Daddy to our dogs lol But I am questioning everything about myself and my life. I feel like a failure and a freak, and I told my gf to take our gun out of the house because I was afraid I would use it on myself. I remember going shopping with my mom;s mom growing up. I would try to get her to let me get boy's clothes, but she insisted I be a young lady. I wore dresses all the time. I remember for years I had a googled photo of a guy's genitals, and I would stand in front of the mirror for hours, wishing it were real. I have been through a lot already.. raped, molested, lived homeless, abusive relationship... and a lot more. Many have had it worse. But why this? Why can't I be normal? I have no insurance so I can't get therapy. There are no gender therapists around here or endocrynatologists either. Does anyone have any advice at all?

[Konnor]

I'm glad you came here to vent and try to get some answers! We will all do the best we can to help you out. So welcome! 

First off, please remember that suicide doesn't solve anything, and it leaves behind so much pain. It's a good step that you had your gf take the gun out of the house, that shows that you don't really want to die, you're just really hurting. You seem like an incredibly strong person, judging by everything you've gone through. Draw on that strength when you feel like you can't do it anymore. Try to surround yourself with supportive people so that someone is there to pick you up when you fall.

Second, I know exactly how you feel in regards to your town. I live in a tiny hicktown in Ohio, and things are bad for GLBT folks here too. I'm very scared to come out because I know how most of the people around here would react. You just have to keep in mind that people aren't like that everywhere. Sure, there's going to be people everywhere that aren't going to like who you are for one reason or another, but there's also going to be people who accept you for exactly who you are and don't care one way or the other about who you sleep with or what's in your pants.

Third, I think you would probably benefit from a therapist. I know you said there aren't any gender therapists around you, but perhaps a regular therapist could do you some good at this stage. It sounds like you have some bigger issues to work on before you decide anything about transitioning, you said you're really struggling with your spiritual life and sexuality. There's also some gender therapists online, that might be an option for you.

I dunno bud. I'm by no means a therapist, and I'm not even very good with advice. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and things will get better. Just hang in there and remember how strong you are. I hope you stick around here so we can get to know you better. Keep your head up! 

[HonestReflections]

Because I quit my job, I ahve np health insurance. But I told her to take the gun out because I don't want her to come home to see that. She is an EMT and has seen a lot, but I don't want her to see me like that. I got counseling when I had a job last year for a while. It was just basic counseling from an abusive relationship and other things. When I stopped running, I thought that I would just realize that I was very butch. I stopped dating males when I was 15 after being raped. I broke up with my bg of 4 years and dated one guy since. That is another reason I am questioning my sexuality. I know I am a male. That is one thing I have no doubts about. I know that I want to fix my body, and I know that the changes are permanent (most of them). That is perfectly fine with me. I am only 20, but I am ready to settle down... but now that I stopped running, I wish I hadn't. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like a freak. I sound liek a whining girl, but eh, I'm just at my wit's end.

[Renate]

Personally, I think books are the answer to everything.

Transition: The Story of How I Became a Man (2011) - Chaz Bono * Amazon * WorldCat

It's a good book, find it at your library.
I'm sure that you'll find some similarities to your situation.

[Jigsaw]

    I don't know if this would help or not but have you tried to find work that will take you out of that city and get you somewhere safer?  Your g/f is an EMT, so I am sure if she wanted to move to it would not be difficult to find work.  There are a few companies/organizations that could help depending on what you want to do with your life.  One of the companies you could maybe look into is Schneider trucking.  They have training classes to teach you to drive the trucks with the trade off of giving them a certain amount of time back. I think it is 1-2 years.  They also have a recruitment division for gay/lesbian folks, so I am sure transgender would be just as welcome.  You would be on the road a bit, but it would give you income, a way to relocate and allow you to move on with your life. 
    I also would maybe suggest 1 tour in the military.  I don't recommend this at all normally because it takes a true commitment to not be your true self for a bit, but it does give you relocation, a job, medial/dental and a way to work on college so you can market yourself when you are ready to get out. I have heard of people going to therapist their last year in the service in order to start the transition and have the government pay for it. I guess it starts as saying I need a therapist for depression? I don't know... I paid for mine out of pocket or went as a couple with my g/f so we could use her insurance.  Difference is, I went to retirement, not just 1 tour.
     There are more options out there I am sure, those are just the two I know because I did one of them and looked into the other for possible job when I retired. 

Not sure if any of this helped, but figure it would not hurt to put it out there for you as an option or two.

[sascraps]

Hey man, I sent you a PM, so I hope you get back to me. I'm in WV too and I know how much it sucks. So you're definitely not alone here!

[HonestReflections]

I tried joining the military but failed the eyesight test. I was going to go in for veterinary. My gf/roomate person is planning on mving when we get our tax check next year. They have cut a lot of things from the hospital she workds at and when a patient kicked her and tore her knee up, they screwed her on comp. Until then, we are just going with the flow. I also don't want to make any more commitments with her until I figure out my sexuality.