So yeah here we go, - transition again.

[Lady Smith]

I found my word, - 'Androgyne'.  If I need to have a descriptive label to apply to myself that's the one I have no problems with wearing.

Knowing that does not mean my journey is now over.  Like all self-awakenings a new awareness leads on to yet more explorations into one's self.  And for me at least new realisations seem to uncover new once hidden angry emotions that now want to leap out and be heard.
Last night on Susan's I became involved in a fierce discussion about RLE which turned out to be sign that once dormant, suppressed and hidden parts of myself were starting to wake up.  I seem to possess an angry advocate/people's hero gene which saw some use when I was still working as a social worker.  'Angry biker chick' made use of it too, but now I'm having to keep an eye on a new aspect of myself whom I'm going to call 'Androgyne separatist activist' who believes that the Androgyne condition is the only way forward for the human race, women are natural allies and men are a dangerous subspecies who are doomed to evolutionary failure.

Some years ago a psychiatrist who knew very little about GID told me that I have Multiple Personality Disorder.  I still disagree with that diagnosis, but I am aware that I do tend to compartmentalise aspects of myself as a coping mechanism.  My present project is to get all these aspects of myself to play nice together without starting any wars.

I see my therapist again on Monday and something tells me that we are going to have a lot to talk about.

[Lady Smith]

On thinking further about my dream about flirting with the 'rough diamond guy' I realised today that I was actually welcoming back my old male persona into being a part of myself again.  Change is very much happening and quite quickly too which can get a little disorientating sometimes, but I seem to be coping with it Ok.

For a long time I've had severe dysphoria about my 'bits', - in my other posts I've called them 'wart', - which sums up my disdain for them.  Just recently while washing myself I actually looked at it which is something I normally avoid as much as possible.  To my surprise I wasn't disgusted by the sight of it and I found that I was actually starting to accept that my 'bits' were a part of myself and not something alien to be ignored.  I still feel glad I had my orchi done because those things really were 'alien invaders' as far I'm concerned.  T might be a necessary hormone for good health, but I didn't need the mind twisting quantities that those things had been putting into my bloodstream considering that one of them had been badly messed up in the first place by the doctors who had tried to 'fix' me back in my pre-teens.

During my explorations this past week I found pictures of an autopsy done on a child who was a true complete hermaphrodite.  The pictures of their genitals took my breath away because it was like looking at something holy, like the next natural step for humanity.  My first job after leaving school at age 18 after heavily studying science subjects in high school was in a path lab and I never really liked seeing autopsies done on children so the rest of the pictures I found very disturbing even though I knew exactly what I was looking at in terms of the organs and bodily structures being displayed in the photographs.

Now I know why I don't want GRS, because the only operation I could accept in light of my new self knowledge would be one where my penis was left in place and a neo-vagina created.  Plainly the medical profession would never sanction such an operation so it's best if I remain as I am.  I suppose some people would consider me some kind of perverted nutcase, but that's really how I do feel and I've been hiding that from myself for ages despite having written stories on that theme over the past few years.

In case anybody is wondering how I went from working in a path lab to becoming a truck mechanic it happened after I suffered a really bad mental breakdown.  Becoming a truck mechanic and thereby following the, - 'I'm a lumberjack so I'm Ok', - model of denial became my coping mechanism until that fateful day in my late thirty somethings when I knew for certain that I couldn't do it anymore.

[Rejennyrated]

You might be surprised. I've heard of this sort of procedure being done, but I think you would have an uphill battle because its not by any means widely understood.

I dont personally feel like that, but I certainly dont think you are a nut at all.

[Lady Smith]

Thanks Jenny

It's certainly interesting that such operations have been done, but my feelings about it are that it's simply enough for me to finally clearly know that's my reality and the way I inwardly experience my sense of self.  If I was twenty something I would most probably take steps to find out more about such an operation, but at age sixty one I have other priorities with how I want to spend the rest of my life.

[Tysilio]

This is exactly how I feel. If I were 20, 30, or even 40, I'd definitely pursue bottom surgery, but at 63, I think the risks are too high. The FTM surgeries have a very high rate of complications even for younger folk, and as we age, we don't heal as well. Add to that the fact that the results of those procedures, even when they go well, aren't all that great compared to what I've gathered is possible for MTFs, and, no... I don't think so.

Given that what you'd want isn't a "standard" procedure, no surgeon will be as comfortable with it as they are with those they do all the time-- which, again, could raise the risk of complications.

And, yeah -- I have only so many years left to enjoy finally being who I am, and I don't want to spend that time recovering from complicated surgeries.

[Dena]

I take a little different view on surgery. Because of my fear of surgery, I vowed SRS was going to be the last optional surgery I would under go. When I found my voice wasn't holding up and it couldn't be fixed without surgery, I looked at my health and body. My body has aged slow and I am just starting to turn gray so my body is between 40 and 50 years old. In addition, I might have as much as 40 more years to live and the longer I wait, the poorer the outcome of the surgery might be. Pretty much it boiled down to now or never. The good thing is as long as I have been post surgical, I didn't need a therapist letter and I know I will not regret the change to my voice.

You have nothing to lose by looking into it and getting a bit more information. It may be less of a problem than you think or you may decide it's not worth the trouble. Just don't leave the question open at this point because you may regret it latter.

[Lady Smith]

Thanks for the helpful comments Dena and Tysilio 

I had a session with my therapist today and while it went well and was a positive and useful session I'm now feeling somewhat mentally exhausted so I think I'll leave any further explorations into hermaphrodite GRS until I've managed to sleep on it and I'm feeling up to doing more research.

[Laura_7]

Here is an answer:
experienceproject.com/question-answer/Being-Born-A-Male-Is-It-Possible-To-Become-A-Hermaphrodite/87647

And I'd say there will be more and better options in the future...


hugs

[Lady Smith]

Thanks Laura   At the moment with my various health issues it might be moot whether any surgeon would want to go near me, but I will continue to work on it.
It did cross my mind that if i could find an open minded and appropriately skilled tattoo artist I could get an image of female genitalia tattooed down there 

[Laura_7]

Thanks Laura   At the moment with my various health issues it might be moot whether any surgeon would want to go near me, but I will continue to work on it.
It did cross my mind that if i could find an open minded and appropriately skilled tattoo artist I could get an image of female genitalia tattooed down there 

Have you looked into alternative treatments additionally to your normal treatment for health ?
For example acupuncture... essential oils... nutrition ?
T'ai chi is very good... meditation might help... there are different forms, you might look which one is best suited for you...

If a tatoo would suit you 

As said, I think in the near future there might be a few more options...

[Lady Smith]

Thanks for the suggestions Laura   I learned Tai Chi several years ago and I really do want to get back into it again.  Meditation is something I do fairly often and yes it does seem to help.

I was more joking about the tattoo than anything, but yes it could be an option.  Might sting a bit though 

[Tessa James]

What you have shared here is a deeply personal narrative that reminds me our transition need not be some linear trajectory with rigid goals to achieve.  The more we learn the more options come to light.  Thank you Anne.

[Lady Smith]

Thank you too Tessa.  I remember when I started out it was all about speaking from the right script and always wearing a skirt and not jeans because the doctors wouldn't believe you.  Telling carefully constructed lies was an essential skill or else the gatekeepers wouldn't open the gate and let you through.

Now it's absolutely great to not give a toss and be yourself without having to worry about what the wrinkly old warthogs of the medical profession might think about it.  I love it when my daughter tells me that, 'They don't do that anymore.....,' whenever I talk about my own transition.  The next 'They don't do that anymore....,' I look forward to hearing is when doctors stop carving up intersex kids with their nasty steely knives.

Earlier this week I was riding my tricycle past a neighbour's house and he was out on the driveway with a group of his friends, - all of them in their mid 20s I would guess, - and I said, 'Hello' as usual.  One guy gave me a nod and said, 'Dude,' (Kiwi male bonding behaviour so I'm told) - and I wasn't bothered in the slightest.  Yeah, I think I'm getting to where I want to be alright.   

[Lady Smith]

I've just completed my therapy sessions and it's proved to be a completely positive experience.  One very positive result is that I'm no longer experiencing that awful depth of rage and anger that fell on me like a dam bursting after I discovered for certain I was a DES child.  Being able to embrace my own narrative and not feel that I had to edit it or twist it in order to make it fit into an 'acceptable' pigeonhole has been an empowering experience for me.  By trying to make myself fit into a binary model of gender I'd done myself no favours at all and had largely made myself feel miserable.

Older cultures were far more wise in that they recognised that there were Two Spirit people amongst them and embraced them completely as being a part of their society.  The influence of western culture and Abrahamic religion upon these older 'primitive' societies has been nothing else but destructive and after much reflection I've reached a place where I can reject much of the socialisation imposed on me as I was growing up and not feel guilty in the slightest over doing that.

More than ever I feel free to wear whatever clothing I want to.  I don't remotely feel that I should be trying to enhance my appearance with make up, eyebrow plucking & etc.  I prefer my hair long and I don't see why being an androgynous human should mean that I should wear my hair short.  Should I want to 'decorate' myself I much prefer organic materials such as leather, bone, feathers, wooden or clay beads and semiprecious stones.  Gold and silver jewelry no longer interests me anymore.
Being of Irish blood I want to explore my Celtic spiritual roots.  I think the blandness of secular western culture can lead white Europeans to attempt to appropriate the spirituality of ethnic cultures that are not their own.  Having already been exposed to Japanese and Chinese sword arts and Chinese meditative techniques, - not to mention the books by Carlos Castaneda that everyone of my generation must've read at some time, - I want to find my own roots, my own place to stand.

As my daughter often reminds me I may want to think about dating again which opens a door into completely unexplored regions.  Just recently when I was out and about I saw a woman in her mid 50s who like so many in the rural district where I live was plainly physically fit, with not a touch of make up on her face, wild blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing boots, an unbuttoned work shirt over an olive green sleeveless T shirt and faded ex NZ army camo trousers.  From somewhere inside my newly awakened consciousness the thought came to me that she was (dare I say it) hot.
So yes go ahead and laugh if you want to, but something tells me that just because I've reached my 6th decade my love life is far from over.

[Jessie Ann]

Great to see you make such good progress Anne!  Love your new picture!

[Lady Smith]

Thanks Jessie

[Dena]

It is one adjustment I had to make coming to this web site. I had never heard of non binary before and my initial reaction was one of confusion as to what it was. Once I understood the basics, I had to work down the logic chain. A CIS fails to understand somebody transsexual because they have never had the out of place feeling. Both CIS and transsexual have never felt non binary but as a transsexual, I understand the out of place feelings that non binary must feel. Combine that with the sensitivity you have shown in the short time I have been on the web site makes you unlike everybody else but instead makes you a very special person that I am happy to know. I found my place in life many years ago and I am glad you know where you belong.

[Lady Smith]

Thank you so much for that Dena >HUGS< 

While I was aware of such concepts as 3rd gender and hermaphroditism back when I was in my late teens I thought that they were no more than the stuff of myths and stories and that nobody could actually be that way.  And even though I'd written novel length stories myself on the theme of 3rd gender while I was going through transition it took me a long time to realise that I could actually identify and live as a non-binary person myself.  I didn't have to subscribe to the tyranny of a binary identity and force myself into fitting into being either one or the other.
Here in New Zealand all official forms are in process of being changed to include a non-binary gender option so I'm looking forward to the day when I can take pen in hand and identify myself properly as being ME!

[Dena]

In our therapy group it was mentioned that surgery wasn't for everybody but I think everybody wanted it. People didn't get surgery for reasons of money or family but I suspect they may have come back for surgery after their fortunes change. With your age and the fact you knew about non binary in your teens, it is something that existed when I was in therapy and it is strange it was never mentioned. Maybe I will make contact with my old therapist (I think I know where he is) and ask him some day.

Funny part of it is my sister has had an aversion to wearing dresses and looking feminine from about age 3 or 4. She put a dress on for the first time in almost 40 years in order to get married but quickly changed out of it. Otherwise she appears to be happy with her body and in a normal relationship. Once upon a time in the past, I thought she might be transsexual but non binary is a much better explanation. Maybe one of these day I will ask her about it.

[Lady Smith]

My elder sister told me once that she has never felt like a woman at any time during her life and she has always dressed in an androgynous way.  Being an artist I think folk just accepted that as being somehow Bohemian and only to be expected back when my sister was in her twenties.  Now of course I realise that my sister is just as non-binary as I am.

As I've mentioned before Dena the only surgery I'd want would be the kind that would give me genitals that look like this.......



But with my age and health as a factor I'm not especially worried about surgery.  Though if somebody unexpectedly gave me several thousand dollars I might consider it