Time for a cool down...

[Jaimey]

This is something that bothers me, so I'm going to post it against my better judgment.

If someone comes to our corner of the world and asks a question, I assume they are asking because they don't understand.  From that point of view, if a question or phrase or term is used incorrectly or in a way that seems derogatory, I also assume that stems from a lack of understanding.  The operative words here are "lack of understanding."  The person asking the questions does not understand and is asking questions because they want to understand.  It's all about the want to understand.

So perhaps as we go along, if we read a post that bothers us in some way, we should take a step back and make sure that we are treating the poster as fairly, assuming that they did not mean to offend us and assuming that they came by because they want to know us and our views better.  If a post rubs me the wrong way, I don't respond (that's not to say that every post I don't respond to offends me); I take a step back and let others respond first to see their take on it.  I generally find that reading other people's responses often clears up any misunderstanding I might have had when I read the original post.  Some people just don't communicate well in writing, others maybe just couldn't think of a better way to say something.  Sometimes, things sound way better in our heads than they do being read by someone else.

I feel like we usually pride ourselves on being accepting and easy going around here, so we should do our best to live up to that even if someone says something that can be construed as insensitive.  When one person gets offended, the next poster often gets offended, and so on and so on until it's completely unmanageable and has to be shut down.  In my experience, it's rarely anything that should have gone that far. 

I'm not saying that no one has a right to get angry, I'm just saying that most people are not out to offend (the ones who do usually out themselves pretty quickly anyway).  Let's just try to give people the benefit of the doubt and not waste energy with anger.

[Padma]

I think if we ask each other questions, we have to be open to having the assumptions and terms of our questions explored, since it's often the case that a question can't be properly answered within the framework of its original terms, especially when we're enquiring about an area outside our personal experience.

Often the best way to do this is to ask questions back, along the lines of "what do you mean when you say xyz in your question here?" before trying to answer, and I'm guilty of not doing that sometimes. It's a bit too easy to just shove back when one feels shoved into a corner. I'll try to keep it factual in future!

[Sevan]

In the thread your talking about many people tried to educate the OP politely (I feel...) as to why the line of questioning might have been offensive. I feel like opportunities were given toget some clarification, to use some different wording and instead we slid downhill and MoRE offensive language was used, rather than less.
When we walk around our day to day life...it can be very frustrating. People who don't understand make comments that can be hurtful, they can ask questions that stem from ignorance. Often gender isn't the only place that we're different from mainstream. I know that my sexualitly is something of question and discussion and even when people mean best...they can grate me with the ignorance shown.
So when I come to susan's...my little safe haven of understanding...the last thing I want is to smile and nod through more assumptions, and poorly worded questions. Especially when it's pointed out and rather than rewording we're acused of acting like victims.

[LightlyLuke]

Nicely said, Jaimey.

[Pica Pica]

Point Taken.

[Anatta]

Kia Ora Jaimey,

So true, and as Luke said "Nicely said" Thanks ...I look forward to learning more about the androgyn world...

Metta Zenda

[ativan]

In the thread your talking about many people tried to educate the OP politely (I feel...) as to why the line of questioning might have been offensive. I feel like opportunities were given toget some clarification, to use some different wording and instead we slid downhill and MoRE offensive language was used, rather than less.
When we walk around our day to day life...it can be very frustrating. People who don't understand make comments that can be hurtful, they can ask questions that stem from ignorance. Often gender isn't the only place that we're different from mainstream. I know that my sexualitly is something of question and discussion and even when people mean best...they can grate me with the ignorance shown.
So when I come to susan's...my little safe haven of understanding...the last thing I want is to smile and nod through more assumptions, and poorly worded questions. Especially when it's pointed out and rather than rewording we're acused of acting like victims.

I couldn't agree more...

[LilDoberman]

I'm with Jaimey.  I know some people have that recent post in their heads, but I can tell you that from a fringe perspective, this has been going on a LOT lately.  I'd pretty much stopped posting because every time I opened a thread it had degenerated into shouting and name calling.  I'd really like to come back, and hope that everyone can take a deep breath (or 7).

[Jaimey]

In the thread your talking about many people tried to educate the OP politely (I feel...)

I think I would have to disagree with that.  I agree that some things were worded poorly and maybe they didn't come across the way they were intended, but that thread went from fine to a flaming ball of rage REALLY quickly.  Too quickly.  Short of a poster saying something like "you're gender isn't real" or "you're an abomination and you're going to hell," I really can't see any reason that a thread like the one we're talking about should need to be locked, especially as quickly as it was locked.  It got extremely out of hand.

Maybe something else we could do when we are bothered by a term/phrase/question, is to message the poster privately and explain why that particular phrasing could seem insensitive so that it doesn't derail the thread. 

LilDoberman, I hope you feel comfortable enough to come back soon!  *hugs*

...nice fridge, Pica.  I kind of want it.

[Laurry]

Like Mom always said...If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at at all.

Been away for a week or two (too much work and too little life).  I saw this thread and wondered what was going on.  Then I saw the other one.  My, my, my.

It did seem to get ugly rather quickly.  I think locking it and stopping things before they got worse was probably a good idea.  I'm all for heated discussions, but when the comments stop being about the subject and begin being about other people...well, that just doesn't "sparkle" for me.

Thanks, Jaimey, for taking the higher road.

...and Pica...nice fridge dear.  I think you've found a new marketing gig

Peace, Love, Dope (err...maybe not the last one).....Laurry

[Jaimey]

Peace, Love, Dope (err...maybe not the last one).....Laurry

Peace-loving dope? 

[Laurry]

Peace-loving dope? 

I once knew a dope-loving piece

[espo]

Maybe an 'Oh ya  '  thread would be helpful.  That way I can say ' Really? Well if you think that way then meet me in the Oh Yeah thread after school. All my anger and frustration would be let out in that one thread, sparing all the other topics from my brutish and bullying behaviour.

[Pica Pica]

No, your face.

[ativan]

Did I just miss something there??? 

[Laurry]

I think espo was commenting about the main topic of this thread, not the drift. 

Pica started a new drift, to which I am forced to reply "Yo Momma!"

Then again, like Firesign Theatre said, "Everything you know is wrong".  Guess that could apply to me here...wouldn't be the first time...

[ativan]

Ahh... an ocean of slang difference. See...I do worry sometimes, even if it may not seem that way.

Do carry on!!

[Pica Pica]

The correct response to "your face" is "YOUR face" - to which I respond, "You are," then you say, "No, YOU are."

[Laurry]

Shows how out of touch with modern society I am...I thought the proper response to any such comments was either a) Bite me or b) Go F yourself

Thanks for the etiquette lesson

[espo]

The correct response to "your face" is "YOUR face" - to which I respond, "You are," then you say, "No, YOU are."

Then I say ' have a nice day ' and then you say ' no, YOU have a nice day '