So I signed on tonight because I was feeling so obsessed over this ->-bleeped-<-s videos I found online. I couldn't believe my eyes. Her waist was perfectly lean, flat stomach, wide hips, huge ass, thick round breasts, long flowing blonde hair, juicy red lips, long finger nails, flawless tan and smooth skin, obvious facial surgery, nose surgery, you get the picture girl has had the work done! So I saw this video and shut it off but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I started to feel like my heart was sinking. It felt like I was never going to become that beautiful. I felt sooo bad I had to go back to her sight and gaze in jealously over her again. I wont even tell you her name because I don't want any other girls to feel it. I'm very new to my transition. Actually I tried it 4 or so years ago, even longer ago, but 4 years ago hormones and I couldn't do it I failed. Too many slammed doors. Now, end of last year, I'm at it again and this time there was no place for failure and then tonight it felt like that empty hole that I would never fill.
Then I remembered Susans Place and being from another forum that I dearly loved I thought I should read a make a thread on it because my friends at the other site do this often together. Well as soon as I logged in I felt better. I saw pictures of other trans-women and I remembered I am not a whore! We are regular people and this woman on the video is a prostitute, having sex for money and is equivalent to a porn star is to a regular G.G. on the street. I want to be the regular girl on the street, not the porn star, I already made that decision and I have stuck to it through the worst of times. I'm glad this place is here because I don't know if I could have slept tonight without crying. Now I feel like it is possible, well at least not to obsess over that like I would have. I do wish someone could recommend me a book that could help with information on all the things that are useful to know in a m2f transition; such as vocal training, skin care, breast argumentation info, etc etc. I have the feeling the kind of book I imagine may not exist and I suddenly feel an overwhelming desire to create that book! Of course once I have learned all of these things. It would be so awesome to find one book with a broad selection of this information.
My sister constantly has to remind me that one day my hair will grow and my breasts will fill out and things will be a lot more stable for me(thank God for her), but I can't see it sometimes you know because to me it is not about long hair or larger breasts. I feel this way without that stuff. It kinda sucks I have to fit into somebody elses image of what that is so to be accepted these days. Of course I would love to have those looks, I want to feel good, and I want to look beautiful. But that is mainly for my lover in the future and the rest is just for me to like the way I see my reflection back. I'm not trying to do anything but be happy and anyone who thinks thats ugly must really be the ugly person inside.
As for this gorgeous woman online maybe the man I love would love me more if I did look that way and that does make me cry because I am in love with someone who does not want me the way I am. And I cannot become that over night, and I cannot do it faster without being a whore. So I am trapped. I have to go through this slow unwanted process for years and to one day hope he is the one I still want or I am somehow available for someone else. I often wonder if I looked like her now would he jump at the chance to be with me? Then maybe having sex and buying all those things would have been worth it to have that already, but it could have never been because I could never have kissed another man and still had the love in my heart for him that I have. It is worse than the love story Romeo and Juliet because I cannot even kill myself for him. I must just dream of him every night, and dream of this beautiful transsexual every night, and I cry every night, just to be with some one else one day.
