What am I

[Anika_Rose]

Hi, I'm new (both to this community and communicating socially) so I'm kind of nervous!

I'm in need of some guidance/ advice.

          Im 18, and am currently attending college.  About a year and a half ago is when I began to identify as female.  Which is a bit of a problem for me as I am physically male.  I enjoyed referring to myself as female in my mind and I was quite giddy with excitement for the first few weeks.  I felt happier than I've ever had, and my life seemed to make sense.  But after a while I began to have doubts about wether or not I really was transgender... I turned to the internet for more information.  I read blogs/posts online by other mtf transgender (sorry if I messed up the term) and thier confidance in who they were only led me to question my own fortitude.  I noticed that I only identify as female in my mind, but physically I accept myself as male.  I've tried behaving a bit feminine but was only treated harshly by the male and female people I encountered... (never being a social person, and always being picked on, meant that this rejection was a bit more jarring.)
           This cycle of self doubting has only gotten worse.  It's gotten to the point where I don't even know WHAT I am.  I know that its shallow to think that my gender would define me, but I somehow feel...worthless without knowing.  After reading about androgynous (I don't think I spelled that right) I figured 'hey,thats me!' but when I tried to accept that, I just felt empty.  I've tried saying to myself 'Your a girl' and 'Your a boy' but neither ever sticks.  I REALLY feel female but when I see my masculine body (I have a heavy, not fat, build and a square face) I could never pass off as female, no matter what I did to myself.  I would only feel like a fool.  Sometimes I can imagine myself as a beautiful girl but its more of a dream than anything as I am nothing but a disgusting man.  She looks nothing like I look.  I could never be her, 'me'.  Recently thoughts of suicide have crept into my head, and that's why I decided to talk with others about this dilema.  I've visited a physchologist (not related to this) but they always seem intent on blaming my problems on a traumatic childhood or something.
            So I honestly don't know where or who to turn to.  I could really use some advice/ help.  I guess what I need help with exactly would be, can you possibly think of yourself as one gender while physically feeling like another?

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!!! ~ Anika -Ive always like that name. :3

[Jayne]

From your description of happiness when thinking of yourself as female i'd say you are quite likely transgender as I always felt happier if I thought of myself as female, when I go out as a woman & my friends refer to me as she/her it makes me positively glow on the inside, I would strongly recommend that you seek out a phyciatrist who specialises in this area to help you sort out your new found feelings, not every transsexual has these feelings from birth, i've read posts from some people who knew at a very young age & others who didn't start to experience these feelings until late teens (or even later). I didn't start to get these feelings until I was about 7 & it always seems to be more confusing for those who've developed these feelings later in life.

You didn't mention if you dress as a woman in the privacy of your home & how that makes you feel, if you havn't tried this already then I would advise it as it may help to clear up your thoughts, the first couple of times when I started dressing as a woman I found it to be a turn on but that was quickly replaced by a feeling of being comfortable with myself for the first time in my life.

Your physical gender only defines you to others & not to yourself, what defines you is your mind & heart & as i've found out, you can't be happy with yourself if you don't listen to your heart

[Sephirah]

First of all, welcome to the site, honey. You're among friends now and have nothing to be scared of, 'kay? *big hug* You can be at ease here and communicate in whatever way you feel able.

With regard to your post... hmm, I'm often loathe to tell people who they are, since to me that defeats the whole point. So, after reading through, I'd like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind, and maybe if you answer them yourself in your own words, you may come to some conclusions on your own.

I enjoyed referring to myself as female in my mind and I was quite giddy with excitement for the first few weeks.

What was it about doing this that made you excited?

...but physically I accept myself as male.

Again, why? Do you think there's no way to change that?

I've tried behaving a bit feminine but was only treated harshly by the male and female people I encountered... (never being a social person, and always being picked on, meant that this rejection was a bit more jarring.)

Could this have anything to do with the previous question? Do people's reactions towards you force you into a certain way of thinking perhaps?

I REALLY feel female but when I see my masculine body (I have a heavy, not fat, build and a square face) I could never pass off as female, no matter what I did to myself.

How does that feeling manifest itself? And are the two related? Do you think that you have to pass physically as female to be able to see yourself as one mentally?

Sometimes I can imagine myself as a beautiful girl but its more of a dream than anything as I am nothing but a disgusting man.  She looks nothing like I look.  I could never be her, 'me'.

Why not? Do you think that physical appearance makes you who you are?

Recently thoughts of suicide have crept into my head, and that's why I decided to talk with others about this dilema.  I've visited a physchologist (not related to this) but they always seem intent on blaming my problems on a traumatic childhood or something.

It's not really anyone's place to tell you why you feel the way you do, hon. It's something you have to find out for yourself. Do YOU think that has any bearing on how you feel?

can you possibly think of yourself as one gender while physically feeling like another?

I think that's where the dysphoria and discomfort stems from, for a lot of folks, both here and in the wider world. The fact that the two don't match, and that's why steps are taken to correct the physical aspect so that they do match. It can be a big part of the reason folks transition. Is this how you're feeling, hon?

One last question. Without thinking about other people's views of you... which is more important to you, the gender you think of yourself as, or the one you feel like? Which would you rather change to bring the two into line?

*hug* Have a think about it, Anika.

[pebbles]

Hey hey chill kid. You don't have to be on edge I in the very least won't bite.

You know that I am aware that I have a penis and that I have XY chromosomes and I had male hormones in my blood their is no doubt that my body is male. And in all likleyhood am supposed to say "I'm male"

Yet I can tell you I'm female... So you shouldn't be so quick to immediately dismiss yourself I know your confused and seeking validation we've all been there but not everyones story is the same. You need to assess your own feelings and what you want for yourself now and in the future, and you can't really do that if your in a panic of doubt.

[Anika_Rose]

You didn't mention if you dress as a woman in the privacy of your home & how that makes you feel

oh! To be honest I've never really even thought of it... I will try it, I'll find a way...
I think I would enjoy it very much 
Thank you very much for your advice Jane, I REALLY appreciate it.

[Anika_Rose]

What was it about doing this that made you excited?

Again, why? Do you think there's no way to change that?

Could this have anything to do with the previous question? Do people's reactions towards you force you into a certain way of thinking perhaps?

How does that feeling manifest itself? And are the two related? Do you think that you have to pass physically as female to be able to see yourself as one mentally?

Why not? Do you think that physical appearance makes you who you are?

It's not really anyone's place to tell you why you feel the way you do, hon. It's something you have to find out for yourself. Do YOU think that has any bearing on how you feel?

I think that's where the dysphoria and discomfort stems from, for a lot of folks, both here and in the wider world. The fact that the two don't match, and that's why steps are taken to correct the physical aspect so that they do match. It can be a big part of the reason folks transition. Is this how you're feeling, hon?

One last question. Without thinking about other people's views of you... which is more important to you, the gender you think of yourself as, or the one you feel like? Which would you rather change to bring the two into line?

Thanks you for the questions, they really made me think.  These are the answers I came up with.

1.I truly felt like myself for the first time.

2. Well after thinking on this for a while, I guess there isn't any reason for accepting it

3. Even though I try to be myself I can't ever seem to completely ignore the opinions of others for some reason.  I haven't ever told any one about my feelings accept for my sister, mainly because she is the most open minded person in my family, and she didn't react very well at all to it.  At school, the male students make fun of me and pick on me, while the female student tend to reject any sort of contact with me.  I'd like to develop relationships as I am sexully attracted to females, but they don't want anything to do with me because of the way I want to behave, one girl told me that she thought of me as a strange gay kid.

4. I usually feel this way after seeing a photo of myself or while standing in front of a mirror.  I feel i would need to look female in order for me to have the courage to behave as myself in front of others.  As attempting to be myself the way I am now has only led to many issues.  I have stopped behaving as I like to in front of others, and am now behaving as a 'boy' should.

5. As much as I  hate myself for it, Yes I believe I must be female so that I could act female without any fear or guilt.

6. Sometimes I just need a little nudge to get my  mind going in the right direction. I think asnwering these questions has opened up a new perspective.  oh and if you meant if I think my childhood had any affect on my current situation... I remember being miserable all my life until the day I was female.  So maybe I've felt this way my whole life I just didn't understand it.  As I grew up in a very conservative traditional family, it was very difficult for me to express any questions I had over my own feelings and emotions.

7. Yes I do feel that I want to match but there are many factors that make sexual reassignment surgery an  impossibility...

8.  I feel stupid for not realizing all this earlier. When I read your question I immediatly thought 'I am Female'.  I think what I feel like on the inside is much more important/dominant than what I see on the outside.

thank you sooooooooo much for taking the time to help me figure some things out!

[Anika_Rose]

You need to assess your own feelings and what you want for yourself now and in the future, and you can't really do that if your in a panic of doubt.

Thank you for the words of encouragement!

Although I think I still have many many many issues I still have to work through before I know my next move, I will try and relax and think about the future.

I'm very greatful for your insight.

[Sephirah]

I think what I feel like on the inside is much more important/dominant than what I see on the outside.

Seems to me, you knew the answer to your question all along, honey.

Only thing I would say is... hmm... how to put this. I often think a person's body is like a prism through which the light of your soul and your psyche is refracted into a rainbow of attributes that the world around you will see... and having the right prism allows you to display that rainbow in the way you feel you need to... but what makes you who you are isn't the prism, it's the light which shines into it.

Not sure if that makes any sense. Having the right tools to express an identity isn't the same as the identity itself, and the latter isn't solely dependent on the former to exist.

[Anika_Rose]

thank you soooooo much for helping me understand things better. 

[Cindy]

Acceptance starts and proceeds through many layers. Just because you are 'now' coming around to understanding your feelings and identity doesn't really matter. Some of us knew we were female at a very young age, others later, others knew but put it off because of family etc. Some cry in the dark still.

As far as I am aware we get one go at life. Sadly for many humans it is one of misery in one form or another. For ourselves it is identifying what and who we are and living our life as best we can. There are many woman who started with the I can't do this because I look like a guy. So what? Their are many woman who look like guys. So what? Expressing your femininity will quite quickly change how you are perceived. I am increasingly having 'problems' in being identified as a guy even when in male clothes and no make up. Physically my image has changed but not that much (in my opinion) but my attitude has completely changed. I fully accept that I am a woman. I behave socially and work wise as other woman do. And incredibly(?) guys never bother to include me in the 'male' conversations but my female colleagues do.

So try thinking through how you feel. Take your time. I was a very shy 'guy' who had few friends, had total difficulty in building friendships and was paranoid that my 'secret' would destroy me.

Just the opposite, I now inter relate with heaps of friends, I have problems sometimes finding time alone . my friends like me, love me and want to be with me. And I am the same with them.  I have lost little, I have gained heaps. But in saying that I am also a very strong willed person, and once I knew where I had to go I went.

Hugs Darling

Remember you are now family.
There is never any reason to be alone or afraid. We are here

Cindy

[Maga Girl]

HI!! im new too, and i'm 18 too ;V

I think you should put your picture so we can say if we believe you will be passable as a woman

but you need to post 15 times minimum...  (damn..)

[Katelyn]

Anika, I think I am on the same boat as you.  I've felt frustrated for more than 10 years that I didn't fit into the typical TS profile (because I've wanted to be or become a woman.)  I'm not male, nor exactly female (yet), not androgynous, not gender-queer (compared to other genderqueer people), and I can feel both "male" and "female" but I've desired being female but was frustrated that I lacked the "legitimacy" (because I too compared myself to transgender people that seemingly were so sure about their gender identity) and the only reason I feel male (or rather not female) is because I can't freely allow myself to be female because I start acting and talking like a girl and I can't stand the incongruency between me looking male and feeling and talking female (but more it is because of the fear of losing the "image" that my ego desires when I'm in the "male" mode.)  I've wanted to be female and I've allowed myself to adopt many female desires but am frustrated in not being able to get the courage to pursue transitioning, and that, especially in the last 3 and a half years, has led to perpetual self doubt and just puzzled as to who I am.  I try to make progress but I'm always setback for whatever reasons, and the frustration in my own situation leads to me at times not accepting myself and "trying to be male" again.  However, I just can't accept myself living a male life and I find myself feeling empty and "alive but dead" thinking about it.  I've also felt like that the times that I tried to go the other direction.  But then, I always have doubts when I see other women so petite and shorter than me and with such good voices (and because I'm mostly only attracted to women) which makes me feel like I'd never be accepted as a woman by other women.  Another one is that I'm not sure if my "maleish demeanor" is authentic or not, I used to feel that it was not authentic but in the past two years I've not been so sure and I don't know anymore.

Right now I feel more like I'm not any gender and I want to be a woman but my ego still wants to cling onto a desire I had since about 12 years ago for me to be this charismatic powerful masculine business leader akin to a Steve Jobs or a Donald Trump because my dad has his own successful business in real estate, and I must admit I find it alluring at times, but I just have a difficulty feeling happy thinking about what my ego wants because even though I have a huge desire to do a lot of good in this world, I feel like I'm pleasing my ego going down that route rather than being what I want to be (being a woman.)  Thus, in effect I am two people, me on the inside, and my ego.  My ego possesses me at times, but is not me.  My ego has been fighting me for all this time because it's only interested in me being powerful and the most successful in the eyes of other people, not me.  In addition, that's also why my ego perpetuates sexist thoughts about being a woman to me, because it sees women as the "weaker looking sex" even though many women are strong both externally and internally.

In addition, I fear losing the approval of my parents and their families, as well as possibly the approval of society (once they find out that I'm transgender.)  I feel like I'd die if society kicks me to the curb.  I also feel scared of being vulnerable and more in danger if I am not able to pass 100%.  I've felt a lot of frustration and sadness from my inability to be sure of myself and go 100% towards transitioning (including thoughts of suicide) and also feeling like "what the hell am I?" and even when I'm not feeling like that I have a sort of "sadness" layer over me, I can't think too good about anything or even about life because I feel like I'm withheld from fully expressing myself, or that expressing myself in a "potential maleish looking way" violates my inner desire to be female.

    I can't accept anymore my life if I don't find out "how far the rabbit hole goes" in terms of my femaleness, especially since more than 3 years ago I was successful for some time at letting myself feel and be a girly girl when I was able to go to a TG club for a few months.   Its akin to having been before in a wonderful place where you could be who you wanted to be for awhile, but was forced beyond your control to come back to the mundane place that you previously lived, and thus unable to accept the place and the life you lived in before, with only the wish and hope of returning to that wonderful place.

I don't have any real advice for you Anika, because I'm also looking for the answers myself.

[Nero]

I want to be a woman but my ego still wants to cling onto a desire I had since about 12 years ago for me to be this charismatic powerful masculine business leader akin to a Steve Jobs or a Donald Trump

Hmm what about a female Donald?

[Katelyn]

^ Me as a woman, I would not be like that.  Thus the issue is that the "male role" is the best vehicle for a "Steve Jobs" or "Donald Trump" type personality.

[Cindy]

Don't under sell yourself. There is no reason a woman cannot be as influential or as driven or as successful as a man.

Believe it or not but I hold a job position of very high seniority. Which of course can be a two edged sword.

Just do the best you can, take the oppertunties as they arise, never say no to a task that looks too hard. Someone has to do it; why not you?

Cindy

[justmeinoz]

Please don't get totally hung-up on the question of physical appearance. 

I have just returned from an afternoon/evening dance party in Melbourne at a primarily Lesbian, GLBTIQ  club.  There were lots of butch women there who would vehementally insist they were women, despite looking more masculine than me (or even a lot of average cis-guys).

There are all sorts of women, transwomen being just one variety along with tall, short, thin, fat, rich, poor, black, white etc etc. There is at least one photo in here somewhere of a woman who has a full beard, and refuses to shave it in order to challenge stereotypes.

Since I have started transition I have begun to see women as all being equally beautiful, in a way that is uniquely their own.  The people who love them would all regard them as close to perfect.  Some women have a physical form which is congruent with what society regards as being superior, but that is culturally relative too, and changes with time and place.

I'd  also  follow the suggestion of trying wearing women's clothes at home for a while and observing your reactions.  As well as whether you are more comfortable, do your mannerisms, way of moving etc  all change in a way that feels more natural.  In other words do you feel "normal" as against being stressed dressing and acting as a man?

Main thing is, there is no "Right" or "Wrong " way to act.
Karen.

[Jayne]

I'd  also  follow the suggestion of trying wearing women's clothes at home for a while and observing your reactions.  As well as whether you are more comfortable, do your mannerisms, way of moving etc  all change in a way that feels more natural.  In other words do you feel "normal" as against being stressed dressing and acting as a man?

Main thing is, there is no "Right" or "Wrong " way to act.
Karen.

When I started dressing as a woman at home I very quickly noticed that I was walking differently, as I walked I would hold my head higher & feel free to let my arms swing, everything about dressing as a woman feels comfortable & right. Before I started dressing as a woman I was 90% sure that this was right for me & this has erased the 10% of doubt.

I no longer feel the need to wear a wig or make-up to see myself a female when i'm at home, the wig is only used when I go out in public & I only wear a small amount of make-up when i'm in the privacy of my home, dressing as a woman blew away the final flimsy band aid that i'd been using to cover up my feminine side.

I'm now free, liberated & as happy as I can be without HRT & SRS

[Katelyn]

^ Since 1994 up until 2 years ago, I would routinely dress as a woman, and I always noticed how comfortable I felt in dressing and seeing myself as a woman, and yes, how right it felt.