one night in paradise

[jesse]

i first heard your voice on Friday afternoon to confirm our date later that evening. how sexy it sounded in my ear the deep gravelly sound rumbled threw me completely. Is this the way a males voice should affect another male? no i thought its how it affects a woman. When the time came i met you at the restaurant we had chosen you took my hand and kissed my cheek in public my face flushed, a first. my experience with men up till then had been covert ops don't let us be seen together. i do not pass and i know it yet this beautiful guy didn't care. He asked me to let my hair down so he could see it and when i did he touched it gently. After dinner he walked me back to his truck opened the door and helped me in. we talked for a better part of an hour before he leaned over and kissed me. a long leisurely kiss that left me glowing inside, and wanting more after that we said goodnight. and he walked me back to my own truck and he watched me drive away. here's what he didn't see..... me pulling over in a parking lot a quarter mile away and balling my eyes out till my makeup was ruined. crying over what should have been, what never will be, and why in gods name i was ever born....for we are both married he is looking for a transwomen to spice up his life i just want to feel like the woman i am...it is clear and painful that in his life i will never be more then a meeting a date nothing more and the chances of being more to another male is just as slim as i am also married. we are doomed to dance with devil until the devil retires and we lie moldering in the grave
Jessi

[justmeinoz]

Truly beautiful and deeply moving.  I am sure that in time you will get to experience love in all it's  wonderful, terrifying depth. 
I am learning that we girls come in all shapes and sizes and are all beautiful in our own way, so there will be someone out there who will see the real person, not an idealised image.

Me? I have realised I am a dyke and  have a silly 15 year old's schoolgirl crush on one of the women I used to work with.  She is totally straight, and is not interested in guys my age either, so there is no sense trying to do anything.
Still didn't stop me from not being able to take my eyes off, her when she was taking photo's at a meeting in town last weekend though. My stomach flips when I do see her, and probably always will.

Karen.

[pretty]

I don't think it is very beautiful or touching... it sounds like a slap in the face to your wife. Stringing someone along just because you feel like a victim is still stringing someone along. If you are not satisfied with your marriage you should at least have the decency and respect to end it before seeing other people.

[jesse]

ok first  you make an assumption about my wife based on information you dont have my wife is very much involved in my transition she is aware of what im doing and has granted me the space to figure myself out i have stated in the past that i dont believe that peoples orientation changes after transition i believe the orientation was already there but like our female selfs we keep it hidden.. your comments are a juvinile knee jerk reaction to petty jelousy that my wife and i dont share we grew up together we dated in high school she was with me in the hospital when i was raped and shot at 14 the first time i tried to transition so please dont accuse me of being self pitying or cheating or any other illicit act just because i cant be with someone because im married dosnt imply an illicit act it implies im well aware of my commitment and his. your comment is offensive and not desired i sometimes write stuff on this sight that dosnt require a comment but in doing so i also open myself up to comments like the ones made.
jessi
ps thanks val for your input
as always hugs sis

i have been married 25 years and raised 3 kids let me know when you find a women or a guy that will walk this hell with you for that long and stay by yourside

[pretty]

Jesse, you'll have to excuse me, it did not sound like your wife knew from your posts or from your other thread.

If she is supportive of seeing other people, then why is it a problem that you're married? You could just have an open marriage. It's hard to imagine there would be no trust issues there, but like you said, you know your situation better than me.

[jesse]

its a problem because i dont understand why i even want too see this guy as i said i dont believe orientation changes after or during transition which was the point behind my other thread im a little alarmed at what this could mean to me and my wifes future i love her but lately i feel im losing a connection to her
jessi

[JulieC.]

Like you I find myself in a body that doesn't fit and a life (which I created) which isn't ideal.  Stuck!  We've made a commitment to someone and I for one would like to keep it.  Is it possible your feelings toward men was always there just repressed?  Also I would disagree with you about orientation not changing.  As we change everything about us changes.  I think most people would be bisexual if they would open themselves to the possibility.

Count yourself lucky for this...you have a wife that's supportive.  You got to experience (if only briefly) what it would be like to be a women on her first date.  I understand it was heartbreaking when it was over and the realization that it was unlikely to be anything more hit you.  But it's wonderful when we get a little glimpse of what our life should be.  And you can have many many more glimpses.  For me that is all I will ever have and I try to cherish the moments when they come.

Julie