The 'lonely' gender non-conforming woman

[Nero]

The other day, I was out with some family when we encountered a female bodied person who didn't fit into any readily identifiable category. Well, one of my relatives made some comments, 'Hey, she's either a dyke or transgender. Or just a very lonely woman' <intended laughter/joke at the 'very lonely woman' part>
Now, I know my relative was trying to be supportive or accepting or come off knowledgeable or something in pointing out this person to me. And I don't believe any offense was intended, just ignorance. So, anyway I looked and this was a female appearing person with a chubby build, short blond hair, and a pleasant demeanor. And I thought, this person is cute and friendly - why must the assumption be that they are 'lonely' because they don't fit feminine norms? I don't know, just the episode really made me think.

[tekla]

'lonely' tends to be a result of personality and social skills more than appearance at any rate.

[Muffins]

Your family sounds like some of mine, oh so painfully sheltered. *sigh*. It seems so obvious to me.. yet..
I was also rather sheltered when I was young, I seemed to grow out of it at some point.. maybe that
was an accident? *shrugs*.

[Padma]

I remember when I came out (as not heterosexual) to my mum back in the 90's, and one of her responses was that she was afraid that I'd end up "one of those sad, lonely old men." So I said to her "Well, you're around 70 now, and you're not lonely. What has that got to do with who you fancy?" And then she got it, and was relieved - the reason why she wasn't a lonely old woman wasn't because she was heterosexual, it was because she enjoyed making friends with everyone she met.

So I echo something a friend said to me: "If you want a friend - be a friend." Which of course must include becoming friends with ourselves, so we can enjoy solitude when we have it, and not crave company all the time in order to be content. Intimacy and solitude are both valuable, but are easily replaced with the non-nourishing attachment and isolation if we're not careful, or we're too self-protective.

Sorry, Saturday morning reflective rant over...

[Anatta]

Kia Ora FA,

Sadly loneliness for some trans-people seems to be one of the greatest fears....Even those who are fortunate enough to blend in as their affirmed gender can hold these nagging "what if" fears...

I guess there are quite a number of things to ponder before one begins crossing the divide... "Am I mentally strong enough to cope with whatever life throws at me!"

One can be so caught up with the euphoria of the moment, that one overlooks other important issues...Like getting ones mind to a level where it will be able to cope with life's "uncertainties"...

Interesting topic BTW and a very important one too...Food for thought...

Metta Zenda  

[Pica Pica]

That's why we need triple standards rather than double 

[Sephirah]

why must the assumption be that they are 'lonely' because they don't fit feminine norms?

Maybe because the assumption is that they have no one to play that part for.

I would venture that quite the reverse is true, and the person you saw was very far from lonely, being comfortable and secure in the knowledge that those they associate with, know that person for who they are.

There are none so lonely as those surrounded by people who never see the real them.

[Renate]

The sad truth is that people do judge you on your externals.
They react to this.
The cumulative effect of these reactions do affect your behavior.

If a woman is slim and cute the positive reinforcement from the public does encourage more extrovert behavior.
If a woman is chubby and homely the lack of positive reinforcement stifles outgoingness.

Of course this is a very broad generalization.
This does not specifically address the question of loneliness.