Thank you all for the kind words, I found them very comforting.
On the matter of Low T, I just wondered, if it is something you are born with, or could end up 'acquiring'. I simply wondered if I had low T and that was what is causing me to act in the ways I do, but no, according to your words, A, low T has nothing to do with it. I do not know what the problem is, but I am pretty set on the cause of it.
Well, I came here to these forums originally, many months ago, when the thought hit me, after learning of the entire concept of ->-bleeped-<-, what if that is what I was? It seemed to make sense to me. In appearance, I have always leaned towards feminity. Quite often at work would customers approach me starting the sentence "Excuse me, ma'am?", sometimes correcting themselves quickly after, sometimes probably just trying to play it off ignoring their mistake. This is all of course, simply aesthetic, I know the appearance of a person does not entirely define who they are, but it is who you are that defines your appearance. I embraced my natural appearance, adopting hair styles and clothes that most men would normally avoid. I have 3 brothers. They all take after my father, always do other family members say "Oh, he looks just like his father!" in relation to my brothers. On top of that, they all three have anger issues, though some worse than others, and they all were eventually able to control it, unlike my father, who is a diagnosed bi-polar and often has to stay on meds to avoid raging over the simplest things of his own fault. Then there was me.. Nothing like my father... So mellow, so calm, so passive... Of all my brothers, who have high blood pressure like my father, mine is below the normal level, reflecting my lack of focus on stress. I consider it a gift. But I digress, I am virtually nothing like my father, aside from his white skin, I take after my mother, from my face, to my hair, my hands, to my slender build. It made me wonder, perhaps I was supposed to be the single sister, but I did not quite make it? Even before I was born, everyone seemed so sure I would be the first daughter. But no, I ended up a boy...
So I came to the MtF forums for a short while, under the pretense that this was my calling. I told my story, and immediately regretted it, removing it. I felt ashamed, or perhaps afraid that someone would realize it is I here, and these things occurred to me. Only a handful of people know what happened to me, and I am not quite comfortable publicizing it any further. Eventually, I started to feel that, this was not quite it. I faded away from the forums not long after joining. I went through a phase where I did not really care what I was, I just was it.
But, lately, I have returned, to watch others, to share thoughts where I thought it would be helpful. The overall reason I came here looking for answers, thinking I am supposed to be someone else, is because I do not like who I am. My personality offends me sometimes, my monotonous voice lulls people to sleep, so that I was never heard. As a result of this combination, I had poor social contact since hitting puberty. Nobody seemed to like me. Maybe if I was someone else, some slight change in the fork of destiny, the path would have lead to a completely different end...
No, MtF, I do not think this is what I am. I apologize, when I speak of myself I tend to ramble, often going off onto unrelated things about myself. There is just so much I want to talk about, tell someone, I suppose. I always used to envy my friends, who always seemed to have at least one close friend, while I had nobody. Nobody to spend every or most days with, nobody to confide in. I kept telling myself there was something wrong with me, and that it could be fixed, if I could just find out what it is. I am still searching, I suppose, though I have grown.
I will give whoever a chance to catch up before I write a full on novel here. and M2, I understand your situation, I mean, the starting out of, and evolving. I believe people can change. I did. When I was young I had such fantasies... Repulsed by that aspect, I never like to think about it. I was once what I now hate. I never once fantasized about having my way with anyone, however, it seemed to be the other way around, I was always the subordinate one in my fantasies. I had two, very odd fantasies, however. At my youngest, it was rape, which seems to be a common, yet awful, fantasy amongst young men. Just awful. Mind you I did not imagine raping anyone, as I said earlier, for some reason I imagine being on the receiving end of this [funny, most men with rape fantasies imagine being the rapist, while most women with rape fantasies imagine being the victim]. This fantasy later passed with another odd fantasy, that of lesbians. There was never any sex involved. And it was never two of the most beautiful women in my eye with each other... It was one, and then the other was me. I was the other women. Sex, never part of it. At this point, I passed my event of trauma, I never in my life, have wanted sex, for just when I hit the point of my life where I may have thought about it, the trauma occurred, and to this day, the idea of it is thwarted away from me.
Gah, I just wish there was someone in my life I could tell this to without fear of them disliking what they hear, or fear of it affecting other people somehow... So much fear.
