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Sexual fantasies without the sex

Started by Sera, July 08, 2011, 09:22:34 AM

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Sera

I am posting this here, not because it relates entirely to MTF, it is just where I feel most at home on these forums as who I am, nor would I know where else it would go.

Anyway, yes, the title.  I, for some reason, never realized this until the other day, mostly because I had never though about it as much as I had when I was younger... But my sexual fantasies... Are a bit off from the average man... or perhaps the average human, as I know not what females think of in this respect.

The common man, or so it appears to me, usually has one common fantasy that he shares with every other man.  To get women X of his greatest desire, alone, naked, locked in his room.  Now the terms of this meeting may vary from person to person, from mutual meeting, to, well, not... the more violent meetings....  Regardless of which, ultimately, the man will have his way with this woman, sexually, almost always, it seems.  Why do I know all this?  Good question.  I always figured there was some unspoken code in the book of manliness against talking about sexual fantasies amongst other men.  I suppose not, men always approach me on the matters of sex, and women, and it is really awkard because I can not relate, really.

On to the problem.  I used to fantasize about this a lot when I was younger, and the fact that I fantasized about this in the past kind of popped into my head the other day. I never really made much thought to the matter in the past, it felt natural, and normal to me.

Well, my fantasies start out the same.  Girl 'X' is somehow naked in my room, or usually starting naked at my front door... Here I would commense inviting/snatching them in and having my way with them sexually, whichever various way that may be, right?  Ah, yet, this is where the question arises.  I would imagine myself walk outside behind them, holding them around the shoulders, attempting to cover their bare body, while guiding them inside.  I would provide some form of warmth, and protection from the sight of man and other eyes with clothing. I would talk to them, try to figure out what happened, how they got into this situation.  I would cook them dinner and let them share my room.. Never to make an advancement or pass towards these girls.. It was usually the same people in these fantasies, a close friend, or someone from a distant land, confused, lost, sometimes knowing little English.  Usually dumped from a moving vehicle, after having been brutalized by men, having been seen, and drooled over upon sight by all men.  Nobody would stop to help them.  It was always me... I never thought about it back then.  I just though "Oh, I am just a nice sweet guy"

And it was forgotten.  But now, I remember. It was not that.  I was not trying to imagine the perfect girl in the perfect situation for my sexual delight [as a matter of fact, I never imagine that, on that note, or any sexual fantasy].

I was trying to prove myself.  Proof to a poor, mistreated, lost girl, that I am different... Prove that I am not.......
A man.  I was trying to prove this to somebody else, as if nobody could believe it.  This was true.  What is the be thought, when people look at men, particularly when women do so.  What is common to run through their minds and veins, empties from me.  What they desire, I do not.

I just felt a need to share this. With the only place I could go to on the matter.  It also made me think, I was always trying to prove I was different from other men, I did not share the common obsession, maybe this is because I have low T?  I have never looked into this, and symptoms, but it was just a thought.  Could everything I am, my difference, simply be a result of low hormones?  Something that someone could simply... cure with a pill.. Is my entire person just a deformity? I have always questioned what I was, always felt there was something more.  Is that it? Am I some sort of natural eunuch? There are many questions through out this post, but I do believe, this is ultimately the question.  What am I?  Am I wrong? Should I seek treatment?  Are all my flaws a result of what I am?  Could they be fixed if I comprimised and destroyed myself, to become what I really am to be?
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girl_ashley

All of what you are feeling cannot possibly be all due to low T.  If it that was the case, all MtFs would go on more T and all FtMs would go on more E.  Gender dissonance is not caused by low hormone levels.

Perhaps some of what you are feeling is caused by low T, but only by running labs would you be able to find out if your T is unusually low.
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Nero

Quote from: Sera on July 08, 2011, 09:22:34 AM
I was trying to prove myself.  Proof to a poor, mistreated, lost girl, that I am different... Prove that I am not.......
A man.
I was trying to prove this to somebody else, as if nobody could believe it.  This was true.  What is the be thought, when people look at men, particularly when women do so.  What is common to run through their minds and veins, empties from me.  What they desire, I do not.


I find this odd, as the type of 'chivalrous' behavior you describe is exactly what most would expect from...
A man. Imagining scenarios where you are the man and not some beast who takes advantage of an already abused girl is not indicative of less virility or low T or gender confusion.

I don't know your story but that you think this means something about your sexuality, gender, or hormone levels is sad and a bit offensive to the male gender.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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Sera

I apologize.  You may delete this thread in that case.
Know that I had no intention to offend anyone, however.

I am still certain there is something different about me, not because of this scenario, I was just curious on the matter.  I still do many other 'odd' things in situations where men would have a usual and common response.  But aside from simply comparing myself to the common stereotypically true man, there is much more than that.

It is offensive because I assume that most men in that scenario would not react that way?  I am sure that is not true, but it was the fact that I thought about the scenario.  No doubt, if this case risen in reality, most men would behave the way I did in this fantasy. But, I felt, in the world of fantasy, things would differ, where there are no consequences, just hopes and dreams.  Regardless, I only know that of what man expose to me, which is their constant desire to stare at women objectively.  For all I know, women are the same way amongst women, as men are amongst other men.
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Nero

Quote from: Sera on July 08, 2011, 11:13:54 AM
I apologize.  You may delete this thread in that case.

No need for that, hon.  :)

Quote
It is offensive because I assume that most men in that scenario would not react that way?  I am sure that is not true, but it was the fact that I thought about the scenario.  No doubt, if this case risen in reality, most men would behave the way I did in this fantasy. But, I felt, in the world of fantasy, things would differ, where there are no consequences, just hopes and dreams. 

I think most men (most people for that matter) have a mix of violent and tender fantasies. I am not in most people's heads as they fantasize, obviously. :D But a guy could get off on the knight in shining armor scenario without low T levels or gender variance.

QuoteRegardless, I only know that of what man expose to me, which is their constant desire to stare at women objectively.

I know guys who look constantly who wouldn't go through with it if a naked girl fell on their lap. Seriously. Looking is just that.

Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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Sera

I suppose I am just confused by the immense amount of people that just stare at a women's breast/bottom, and my co-workers that attempt to discuss with me women that walk by them and how hot they were.  I can not help but think this is the common male mind, without self-control that some people thankfully practice.  It is like watching people in heavy traffic in a car accident. They make sure everyone knows they are looking by slowing down. Not the slightest bit of subtlety.

But anyway, I know there are better men out there.  I can recognize a beautiful women, and when I do so, I prefer to look around and see how many men are staring.  It disgusts me, even men with their girlfriend, even men with children, some probably married, can not help themselves. I really wish they could.

Well, on the matter of low T, may I just change the subject here, to determine more about myself overall?

Can low T be caused by sexual trauma?  Or is it solely caused by trauma by injury or other natural abnormalities such as birth defects?
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A

QuoteI suppose I am just confused by the immense amount of people that just stare at a women's breast/bottom, and my co-workers that attempt to discuss with me women that walk by them and how hot they were.  I can not help but think this is the common male mind, without self-control that some people thankfully practice.  It is like watching people in heavy traffic in a car accident. They make sure everyone knows they are looking by slowing down. Not the slightest bit of subtlety.
You know, not all men are perverts, and I cannot help but think your behaviour is superior to theirs.

QuoteCan low T be caused by sexual trauma?  Or is it solely caused by trauma by injury or other natural abnormalities such as birth defects?
T levels cannot be psychological, or so I believe. They vary naturally in everyone, and this is perfectly normal. That being said, levels way under the average occur sometimes, and when those are uncomfortable for the patient or threaten his bones (for example), they can be supplemented medically, but there are "low T" men who are just as happy (if not more, since they are less drawn by sex drive...) as "high T" men.

The one thing I can see that could alter T levels would be testicular cancer or damage, but unless the change is recent and accompanied by other symptoms, I don't think this is it.

In any way, my understanding is that you are overthinking this. I see nothing even the slightest worrisome in what you relate.

The one thing that leads me to question myself, though, is the reason that makes you want to point this as a real problem. Perhaps there is a bigger issue that truly concerns you? I do not want to induce anything in you, but disgust with men and the desire of not being like them was one of the first "symptom" of transsexualism in me. It may be something else entirely, but I smell a deeper issue that you may not be seeing.
A's Transition Journal
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Taka

Quote from: A on July 09, 2011, 11:46:12 AM
In any way, my understanding is that you are overthinking this. I see nothing even the slightest worrisome in what you relate.
this.

the knight in shining armor thing is something i can relate to. i'd usually be slaying dragons or torturing evil-doers as part of the whole thing, but the most important would always be to be the manly man who saves a damsel in distress from whatever kind of beast it is trying to have it's way with her

though lately i've found myself enjoying the slaying and torturing of evil-doers more, something i find a lot more worrisome than wanting to save damsels in distress more than having your way with them. i'm sure you're a much better guy than me, sera. true manliness will be found in self control and chivalry, not hungry looks at feminine body parts
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Amazon D

Sera i use to be a letch. I use to fantasize about having my way with a woman or two. I also felt like you too after masturbating and hating myself and wanting to be the good person. I transitioned to get away from the strong sexual fantasies i use to have. I also felt i was a female for almost 9 yrs. I soon realized that it was wanting to be different as you share. Today i am different and glad i do not have those desires anymore. I also had two siblings who were born hermaphrodites and died at birth before i was born so my mom took a medicine to prevent miscarrying me. A lot of this allowed me to justify transitioning. Today i am glad i have a vagina and not a penis because i hated myself before. I hated the strong sexual desires i had. Today i can be honest and share these things. Its a blessing for me. In the spiritual world i am seen as a eunuch who gives up their sexuality to do Gods will not my own. I think there are a few here who are not ready to be open as you have or have no idea what you are sharing. I think its great you can share these thoughts now. So Sera allow yourself to grow by sharing and don't every keep that stuff hidden in fears of what others might say. Be yourself and grow and mature and your only as sick as your secrets, not that yours are bad. Yes there are many letches out there. i was one but i have eve'volved and grown and matured and resolved the struggle my own body put on me due to the testosterone that did wreak havoc on my life previously. And also maybe due to the drugs my mother took to prevent miscarrying me.  Thanks for sharing Sera :)
I'm an Amazon womyn + very butch + respecting MWMF since 1999 unless invited. + I AM A HIPPIE

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Sera

Thank you all for the kind words, I found them very comforting.


On the matter of Low T, I just wondered, if it is something you are born with, or could end up 'acquiring'.  I simply wondered if I had low T and that was what is causing me to act in the ways I do, but no, according to your words, A, low T has nothing to do with it.  I do not know what the problem is, but I am pretty set on the cause of it.

Well, I came here to these forums originally, many months ago, when the thought hit me, after learning of the entire concept of ->-bleeped-<-, what if that is what I was? It seemed to make sense to me.  In appearance, I have always leaned towards feminity.  Quite often at work would customers approach me starting the sentence "Excuse me, ma'am?", sometimes correcting themselves quickly after, sometimes probably just trying to play it off ignoring their mistake.  This is all of course, simply aesthetic, I know the appearance of a person does not entirely define who they are, but it is who you are that defines your appearance. I embraced my natural appearance, adopting hair styles and clothes that most men would normally avoid.  I have 3 brothers.  They all take after my father, always do other family members say "Oh, he looks just like his father!" in relation to my brothers.  On top of that, they all three have anger issues, though some worse than others, and they all were eventually able to control it, unlike my father, who is a diagnosed bi-polar and often has to stay on meds to avoid raging over the simplest things of his own fault.  Then there was me.. Nothing like my father... So mellow, so calm, so passive... Of all my brothers, who have high blood pressure like my father, mine is below the normal level, reflecting my lack of focus on stress.  I consider it a gift. But I digress, I am virtually nothing like my father, aside from his white skin, I take after my mother, from my face, to my hair, my hands, to my slender build.  It made me wonder, perhaps I was supposed to be the single sister, but I did not quite make it?  Even before I was born, everyone seemed so sure I would be the first daughter.  But no, I ended up a boy...

So I came to the MtF forums for a short while, under the pretense that this was my calling.  I told my story, and immediately regretted it, removing it.  I felt ashamed, or perhaps afraid that someone would realize it is I here, and these things occurred to me. Only a handful of people know what happened to me, and I am not quite comfortable publicizing it any further. Eventually, I started to feel that, this was not quite it.  I faded away from the forums not long after joining.  I went through a phase where I did not really care what I was, I just was it.

But, lately, I have returned, to watch others, to share thoughts where I thought it would be helpful.  The overall reason I came here looking for answers, thinking I am supposed to be someone else, is because I do not like who I am.  My personality offends me sometimes, my monotonous voice lulls people to sleep, so that I was never heard.  As a result of this combination, I had poor social contact since hitting puberty.  Nobody seemed to like me.  Maybe if I was someone else, some slight change in the fork of destiny, the path would have lead to a completely different end...

No, MtF, I do not think this is what I am.  I apologize, when I speak of myself I tend to ramble, often going off onto unrelated things about myself.  There is just so much I want to talk about, tell someone, I suppose.  I always used to envy my friends, who always seemed to have at least one close friend, while I had nobody.  Nobody to spend every or most days with, nobody to confide in.  I kept telling myself there was something wrong with me, and that it could be fixed, if I could just find out what it is.  I am still searching, I suppose, though I have grown.


I will give whoever a chance to catch up before I write a full on novel here.  and M2, I understand your situation, I mean, the starting out of, and evolving.  I believe people can change.  I did.  When I was young I had such fantasies... Repulsed by that aspect, I never like to think about it.  I was once what I now hate.  I never once fantasized about having my way with anyone, however, it seemed to be the other way around, I was always the subordinate one in my fantasies.  I had two, very odd fantasies, however.  At my youngest, it was rape, which seems to be a common, yet awful, fantasy amongst young men.  Just awful.  Mind you I did not imagine raping anyone, as I said earlier, for some reason I imagine being on the receiving end of this [funny, most men with rape fantasies imagine being the rapist, while most women with rape fantasies imagine being the victim].  This fantasy later passed with another odd fantasy, that of lesbians.  There was never any sex involved.  And it was never two of the most beautiful women in my eye with each other... It was one, and then the other was me.  I was the other women. Sex, never part of it.  At this point, I passed my event of trauma, I never in my life, have wanted sex, for just when I hit the point of my life where I may have thought about it, the trauma occurred, and to this day, the idea of it is thwarted away from me.

Gah, I just wish there was someone in my life I could tell this to without fear of them disliking what they hear, or fear of it affecting other people somehow... So much fear.
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Amazon D

You have told it to many here. Maybe this is where you were meant to share it and not with others in the world who don't seem very open to hearing differences. Your fitting in here fine and even if you are not MTF you are our friend who we want you to stay and share and grow with us. hugs
I'm an Amazon womyn + very butch + respecting MWMF since 1999 unless invited. + I AM A HIPPIE

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A

Perhaps seeing a therapist will help you pinpoint the problem. In any case, thank you for sharing this.
A's Transition Journal
Last update: June 11th, 2012
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Sera

Mmm, this requires money.  My father stopped financially supporting me when I was 16, I now pay for his the house he sleeps in, I pay my brother for a room he got expecting me to stay, but I got a job out of town so I stay with a friend, so my dad stays there free while I still pay because my brother needs to extra money.

I am blessed with my brother and some other nice, financially stable people, but on my own, no, I do not think I could do such a thing, at least not yet.  To be honest, I have seen one, though indirectly, I was an accessory to someone else seeing a therapist, because we were together but had some problems to get over.  So I went with her to see her therapist, in order to help her overcome the struggle.  The therapist began to slip into trying to identifying my problems, for I was the source of the problem originally, and she wanted to find out what cause me to create this problem, after hearing about my childhood and relationships with family, she seemed more concerned with me.  Coincidentally, the person I went with stopped seeing her after that session, so I never went again, as it was her who paid for it.  She seemed to have been getting annoyed that the therapist was trying to help me instead of her, since I was not paying, and she was the one who came there for help.  At the time I was afraid of help anyhow.

It could be very helpful to do this in the future, but not now. So long as I survive until then, however, I am fine.  I will go ahead and sum it up, the cause, i know what the cause is.
My world collapsed in, I believe it was the month of November, certainly the year 2006.  I will not go into the details of the situation, it is very complicated.  I was raped by a male. I have never, ever been the same since.  Do not think I ever will. But nor shall I ever let myself be the same as I was, the month it happened.  The things I put myself through just because I was miserable.  I was letting it all pile upon myself for a year.  I tried talking to two friends about it, mainly because I felt I had to, because I had suddenly turned cold on them, pushed them and everyone else away, and they seemed to care the most.  Seemed.  I told the two of them what happened separately.  Nothing more than pity, they showed me.  One invited me back to sit with her and her friends at lunch.  What benefit would I gain?  I did so for a few days, and then vanished out of frustration, never to speak to her again.  The other friend, though just as useless, did not make me feel unimportant as the other did.  I kept her close, I wanted her to be a sister to me, I wanted to be close to her, talk to her, protect her.  She had her own problems. Her problems seemed to strike an affection with me for some reason, though you would think as it was I, the young teenager, with the issues, all I would care about is my own problems and the lack of understanding others had.

The rape was not the beginning, however, just the sharpest drop in my situation. I had spent the better part of my youthful years putting up with such sexual harassment, I do not go so far to say assault, however, as no physical contact was made like in later events.  Ultimately, however, I hated everyone.  Absolutely nobody could get close to me, besides those I kept close to myself.  Tormented by both men and women alike, I lose hope in humanity as a whole.  Trusted nobody at all, I could not open up, I could not be outgoing or kind. I did not want to.  I just wanted to see everyone walk past me, and anyone who dare come to close burn where they stood.  It is still in me, the hatred, somewhere, occasionally it will resurface when I think about my past and I will have strong, evil emotions.

Ugh, I just feel like a ziploc bag full of someone's old jumbled up lunch.
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Amazon D

I am sorry for your abuse. Sarah who moved here also suffered the same. We are both celibates and she is doing well. Except today she had to go back for her grandmothers funeral tomorrow. She will then get her things from her rental box and come back. You should stop paying your brother for your dad and let your dad get help from the state. You should find a situation like Sarah and me. You sound like a celibate / non sexual and would do well moving on and putting the past behind you. You sound like someone still being used by family and then allowing others to abuse you by being so kind. Stop seeking women to be helped. Help yourself. I know because i had that issue when i was pre transitioning. I sought women to save. However, i still then had a bad sex drive but helping allowed me to feel better. I was clean and sober and involved with NA in Phila Pa and spent many days trying to help street walkers. Later after i transitioned i again tried to help trans street walkers but soon learned that i couldn't do it myself. I hope you stop helping them and sharing about your abuse to them giving them a feeling of superiority over you. I hope you understand what i am saying. please help you please help you.. your no good for your dad you need to help you HUGS
I'm an Amazon womyn + very butch + respecting MWMF since 1999 unless invited. + I AM A HIPPIE

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Sera

I am not quite sure I feel it is abuse, at least not anymore.  Yes when I was younger, my dad verbally abused me exclusively, all the time, forcing me to be his house maid, always cleaning his and others messes, with no gratitude, it was never good enough for him, so he would yell at me more.  It was never physical though.  I had to put up with him bringing different druggies into the house who would eventually disappear with something that belonged to me, without fail.  My brothers were not at fault though, while they did abandon me, my two older having to work, hang with friends/girlfriends, I was always stuck at home, alone, every day, day after day, nobody to see but my angry father.  Eventually my father told us our house [which is conveniently collapsing] has asbestos in it, and he rented us a home for me and my older brother to live in.  My older brother helped him pay for it, we both lived there, but eventually my dad stopped helping. I lived with my brother, and he supported me, someone to talk to [though nothing personal], groceries, roof over my head, all that.  He helped me like this for a good while, until I graduated high school and got a job did I begin to help him. He is holding a good job, but he has two kids, and the house he is renting he rented under the impression that I would be living there, so he got me a room.  He charges only a minimal amount, so I have nothing against him, just annoying that my dad just usurped the house, we all do not like it, he brought a bunch of his junk over because he is a hoarder, and trashed my room.  I stopped coming over because my room was no longer mine, and it depressed me. He was homeless, me nor my brother had the heart to kick our own father out onto the street.  So I stay with my girlfriend to be closer to work, but I still help him, because he needs it, having to support two young daughters, his girlfriend, and our father.  Our father seems to be getting things together though, he has pretty much been unemployed since the economy crashed, merching ebay, but he has been getting temp jobs at factories around America and vanishes for many weeks.  I think my brother went into my room and threw a bunch of his stuff away or something, so I have been staying there more often because my room is more roomy.  I appreciate my brother, I want to hold onto them as long as I can, but I seem to be the only one that feels the way.  They have all gone their seperate ways.  I just want my family back, but this may be because I never really had any friends, they were my friends.  I miss when we used to all be together, before our parents drove us apart.


I had read about Sarah's story, it was really disappointing, her family.  But my situation is nothing like hers, nowhere near as bad, I feel, though she was luckily blessed with your help.

It is just my father that uses all his son's that have something for him to take.  Not my family.  Just him.  It is a tricky situation though... He is our father... It is hard to tell your father to hit the streets when you have an empty room.. would not be such a big deal if he was not so messy and consuming of resources.  He fixes washers and dryers as his own business.  He runs up the water bill as a result.  He cares, it is obvious, he just sucks at everything else.  He is a nice guy so long as you do not live with him. Maybe I am making excuses though.

Honestly, a life on the run sounds fun exciting, staying with supportive strangers, but I have trouble imagining just up and leaving everyone behind, those that do show the slightest bit of care, particularly she who I have claimed as my girlfriend.  She means a lot to me, but sometimes I feel it will not work out in the end.  Sometimes I feel incapable of feeling the love the people expect me to feel.  I love her as much as I could love someone in that position.  I just do not feel very strongly about it, so I pretend that I do and do things that I know would be right for someone who could feel this emotion.
But overall, leaving my past behind... Ah, yet another thing about me... I cling sooo hard to my memories.  I am losing my memories all the time, I do not want to forget everything, but it is getting worse.  I can only remember random bits and more significant parts of my past since I had an injury cause by my own horseplay, I cracked my skull. I still get headaches and migraines but I have become fairly tolerant to them because they used to be so frequent.  But worst of all is my memory.  A lot of my memories are retellings of my life from someone else, not as I remember them.  So anything that has to do with my past, I hold onto.  Memories, old videos, old friends, family.... I am really big on memories, because I do not know how long until I will not have them anymore.

I do not seek anyone to help, not anymore anyhow, there was one I felt was similar to me, and thought if I could help her, I could help myself, but I was attracted originally to her kindness, she seemed to notice me, approach me, ask me how I am, when orginally I was just there in a person's life, never there next target of friendliness.  But she grew cold, I realized the intensity of her illness, her depression, and whatever else that might have ailed her.  She lost any sort of warmness she had shown to me, and thus I was once again, alone.  I keep it that way now.  I stopped caring long ago, about myself or anyone else.  This was more so a positive form of not caring, more inclined not to care about anything that could potentially harm me.

What do you mean by "I hope you stop helping them and sharing about your abuse to them giving them a feeling of superiority over you."?
Sharing with who, and giving who a feeling of superiority over me?  And I am helping my brother more than my father, my father simply takes of advantage of this though.
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Amazon D

By sharing your abuse to anyone it gives anyone the upper hand as you then look lower to them.

Personally you are enabling your father and GF . i think a person needs to get themselves together and be healthy before they can help another. I know because i use to do what you are now doing.

I finally got my own place that i am buying and i control so i can then, help sarah or whoever.

You could get a situation as a caregiver / companion to the elderly for free rent to be able to save to be able to buy a home / small plot of land. Mine cost only 58k and i had to only come up with 12k down. My mortgage is 10 yrs.

Times in the USA are getting worse and worse and well your helping your brother pay off a second building and helping your GF with her needs and well what about you???

Help you   help you  help you   thennnnn you can be able to help another.. someone who won't abuse you..


edited to add:   If you continue to help your brother make sure he adds you to the deed
I'm an Amazon womyn + very butch + respecting MWMF since 1999 unless invited. + I AM A HIPPIE

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Sera

Well we are just renting the house, not buying it. My name is on the lease. When I do come down to visit with him I use my room, regardless if my father is there or not, he can use the couch.  Me and my brother are close, very close, I love visiting him, but he works a lot, so I can only visit on weekends, often which I work.  The house is temporary, he is working on getting a better job to support his family and has made progress, but he is not done.  He wants to go back to college to become certified for a different job.

And ah, another thing, I am hoping to start college at the end of this year.  If I could get through the first two years then I will be certified for what I want to be, just not stand outish.  Once I have been certified, money will not be a problem.

And I do not share my abuse anymore, it was just those two probably about 4 years ago. Last one I did was my girlfriend when we started dating early on, using it as the explanation why I did not want to have sex.

You are right though, I should be getting myself in order, but I do not know, if just seems to difficult, so difficult to explain to people, so difficult to just vanish, so difficult to give up my responsibilities.

And I only give about 20% of the money I make to my brother, so it is not too bad, but I am not making much money at work right now, so I am having trouble saving.  Been bad with money lately, keep spending it on clothes and going out to eat and such.
My girlfriend's dad gives me free rent.  So long as me and her keep their house clean.  I do not think I could ever be a caretaker, not with my personality, just like I do not think I would make a good parent, for I do not know how to socialize with either one.  I can hardly socialize with people my age.

I just need to get through college, then I will worry about the rest... I just have to be careful now.... Should I tell my girlfriend that I do not want to have sex? It tears me apart so much when she wants to do it, and I made the foolish mistake of allowing it, having never actually done it, maybe people were right when they said "Once you do it, you will change your mind"
No, I felt awful.  But now I can't stop lying... I am so bad at telling the truth because I am afraid of the way people react to it.  Particularly in this situation, I am afraid of what it might do to her if I told her all this time I have disliked sex just as much as I had before I met her.  I want it to stop.  Sometimes I just want to leave her, I do just want to vanish, but I can not do that, that would be cheap, and also bad timing given my current situation.  I am so tangled up now in school, love, work, and family, that I can not go my own way without tripping a wire...
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justmeinoz

Don't expect dreams to follow any sort of logic or rational path.
Jung pointed out that they are the subconscious' way of communicating with the conscious mind, and deal with things by story telling that may have little to do with the apparent content of the dream.
Lots of things are represented by symbols and archetypes.
I wouldn't attempt to interpret your dream for you. Perhaps if you can work out what the figures and actions in your dreams might represent, you might gain some valuable insights into what ever is going on in your life.

Karen.
"Don't ask me, it was on fire when I lay down on it"
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Sera

This thread has nothing to do with dreams.  It originated around fantasies, but the topic has changed.  There is a difference between dreams and fantasies, very big really, that one is subconscious, the other entirely conscious and controllable.

Thank you for the input, however, Karen.
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