What is stopping you as a MTF going full-time?

On some days as I get ready to go out for the day I wonder why I ever need to present as male again as I am far, far away in my mind a male nowadays.  The reasons, I think, is the fear of making that full time status change and what that all means.  This is not an easy decision for me for sure.

If I did go the distance I would not want to revert to a male status, that is, detransition, I just cannot see that.  I am still learning to live as a female and to cast aside my male remnants that seem to have a prolonged half-life.

Yet, I cannot quite cross that threshold of completely transitioning.  Are you in any similar quandary?

I do enjoy being my female self, and being treated by people meaningful to me as female. I still have some situations where it is wise for me now to present as male.

Humiliation, non-acceptance, and awful, unkind remarks have taken a toll on me.  It most certainly takes a lot of courage to be a MTF woman.

It is wonderful to be self accepting and accepted by others.  It is those times with others I am happily myself although I can be happy still with my male side.  After all, if I couldn't, I might be miserable.  Dysphoria can be so intense some days though.  I just try to have a good day and make the best of it.  Some days I take some quiet time to soothe hurts, this lessens the discomfort.

Have nice thoughts and I wish you the best for your transition.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Hi ChrissyRyan

You have mentioned several things in your post and I'm going to provide some perspective from where I am in relation to your post.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 24, 2024, 05:56:39 PMWhat is stopping you as a MTF going full-time?

I'm not able to answer as I did not know that I went full time, or to put it another way, nothing actually stopped me going full time, so to speak.  Let me quote, a post that I made just recently you can read it here if you wish. Full Time

Quote from: Sarah BNo I did not know that I went full time.  However, after My Epiphany and when I arrived in Sydney, February 1989 as me, I got settled over the next couple of months. The number of times that I had to present as my previous self was small. In side of 3 months, I was working full time. Therefore one could say I was living as I wanted to live as a female from April 1989.

At the time I did not know that I was full time, because the information, was non existent about my condition and I was very naive as well at the time.

I would like to ask you a question, do you want to live your life as female?  If the answer is yes, then the next question is, do you pass as a female?

If the answer is also yes, then I'm going to tell you what my uncle said to me, "you need to go and live your life as a female", or "you should try and live as a female", then one needs to do the following to make your life as a female easier for you, if you have not already done so.

• Change your legal name
• Change your your documents
• Hormones of course
• Work as a female in you new legal name

If you do not pass then work on the following to ensure that you can pass:

• Hormones
• Remove facial hair waxing
• Remove facial hair via electrolysis
• Grow your hair as long as you want to

What I have suggested above is a guideline only and only you can decide what to do and how you are going to solve your personal problems and move forward in your life.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 24, 2024, 05:56:39 PMOn some days as I get ready to go out for the day I wonder why I ever need to present as male again as I am far, far away in my mind a male nowadays.  The reasons, I think, is the fear of making that full time status change and what that all means.  This is not an easy decision for me for sure.

This tells me, you want to live as a female, yes fear, being self conscious about when you are presenting as female, looking at everybody that walks past you, thinking can they 'read me'.  I can relate to these thoughts, except of course the fear, which I never suffered from.

Let me relate to you a couple of stories and you will get an idea of what I went through.  These stories occurred before I finally left my family and friends and I was so to speak full time for at least a couple of days and I was not on hormones, my facial hair was waxed off, makeup and my hair was in a french braid completed the picture.

So story number one.  I was traveling across the country in Australia, I needed petrol as my petrol was running out, I was scared to get petrol because I thought people would read me.  Eventually I was forced to fill up and nothing happened.

Story number two.  I was in a town and nature called so I visited the appropriate toilet, I was scared going in, I had no choice.  I was washing my hands when I noticed another female present and she was looking at me and I was wondering if she read me.  I don't know, I was self conscious.  However I left soon after.

There were other encounters, were people using the right pronouns and questioning myself did I pass. Time went by and I became more confident, I was not acting per se as a female (all though I was female).  I was just going about my daily life as Me! Just be yourself and that was the way I went about my daily life.  As others have mentioned on this website, fear is the biggest factor in moving forward in our lives.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 24, 2024, 05:56:39 PMIf I did go the distance I would not want to revert to a male status, that is, detransition, I just cannot see that.  I am still learning to live as a female and to cast aside my male remnants that seem to have a prolonged half-life.

OK to be brutally honest there were two instances where I paused and considered what I was doing with my life, one was the consideration of de-transitioning. However, that was never going to fly in the face of it.  Why? I was standing in the middle of George Street, Sydney and I was thinking about others, that were considering reversing what they were doing and I thought what I had to do to achieve this, breast removal was one of the thoughts racing through my mind at the time. 

However, thinking about this, 30 seconds at most or a very short period of time, a sickening feeling came over me and I immediately and emphatically said no to myself about this.   There was no chance in hell, I was ever going back to the way that I lived and to this day thinking about how I lived makes me sick to the stomach, in other words it makes me very nauseous.

The other time where I considered the ramifications of what I was doing and possibly could of ended up not going ahead with the surgery, was on the day of my surgery. My friend at the time was driving my car and we arrived at the hospital and I sat there thinking about what lay ahead and realized that if I went ahead there was no turning back, but I only dwelt on these thoughts only for about a minute or so.

Actually my mind was basically blank at the time.  I already knew with out fear, what I was going to do, I did not know what the future was going to hold for me, not that I thought about that at the time, so I got out of the car and walked into the hospital and as they say, the rest is history.

One final thought on this, my past life makes me who I am today.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 24, 2024, 05:56:39 PMYet, I cannot quite cross that threshold of completely transitioning.  Are you in any similar quandary?

Well no, (smile on my face), again the fear, the background noise of, I did this, I did that, don't do that, what about my friends, what about my family, how are they going to treat me and similar comments are drowning you metaphorically.

You only need one thought and one thought only and that is "What do I want?",  You need to take care of yourself first and when you do that you will thrive.  If you are unable to answer this question, then seeking therapy would help you in this matter.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 24, 2024, 05:56:39 PMI do enjoy being my female self, and being treated by people meaningful to me as female. I still have some situations where it is wise for me now to present as male.

Again this tells me you want to live your life as a female.  I do not know the situations, where you need to be a male, however my thoughts are you need to take care of these situations as soon as possible.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 24, 2024, 05:56:39 PMHumiliation, non-acceptance, and awful, unkind remarks have taken a toll on me.  It most certainly takes a lot of courage to be a MTF woman.

Yes, you need to be strong, resilient and have the courage to live the life the way you want.  I know about the humiliation side, that has  occurred to me during my life and that was to get a document notarized in front of a Justice of the Peace and the document explicitly showed details of my previous life and getting my English passport renewed online, resulted in further details about my life being revealed, which results in me feeling embarrassed and humiliated.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 24, 2024, 05:56:39 PMIt is wonderful to be self accepting and accepted by others.  It is those times with others I am happily myself although I can be happy still with my male side.  After all, if I couldn't, I might be miserable.  Dysphoria can be so intense some days though.  I just try to have a good day and make the best of it.  Some days I take some quiet time to soothe hurts, this lessens the discomfort.

Have nice thoughts and I wish you the best for your transition.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Whatever you decide, members of Susan's will support you unconditionally, I for one will accept and respect you no matter what you decide to do. Being miserable is not an option being happy is.  Making decisions that will make you happy and the end result will make the dysphoria disappear.  My decision in taking that final step has given me the tranquility that I never had before and I have never ever regretted that decision.

Have a nice day and all the best for the future, no matter what you do.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B
PS You can PM if you need to.

Quote from: Sarah B on January 24, 2024, 10:02:00 PMHi ChrissyRyan

You have mentioned several things in your post and I'm going to provide some perspective from where I am in relation to your post.

I'm not able to answer as I did not know that I went full time, or to put it another way, nothing actually stopped me going full time, so to speak.  Let me quote, a post that I made just recently you can read it here if you wish. Full Time

I would like to ask you a question, do you want to live your life as female?  If the answer is yes, then the next question is, do you pass as a female?

If the answer is also yes, then I'm going to tell you what my uncle said to me, "you need to go and live your life as a female", or "you should try and live as a female", then one needs to do the following to make your life as a female easier for you, if you have not already done so.

• Change your legal name
• Change your your documents
• Hormones of course
• Work as a female in you new legal name

If you do not pass then work on the following to ensure that you can pass:

• Hormones
• Remove facial hair waxing
• Remove facial hair via electrolysis
• Grow your hair as long as you want to

What I have suggested above is a guideline only and only you can decide what to do and how you are going to solve your personal problems and move forward in your life.

This tells me, you want to live as a female, yes fear, being self conscious about when you are presenting as female, looking at everybody that walks past you, thinking can they 'read me'.  I can relate to these thoughts, except of course the fear, which I never suffered from.

Let me relate to you a couple of stories and you will get an idea of what I went through.  These stories occurred before I finally left my family and friends and I was so to speak full time for at least a couple of days and I was not on hormones, my facial hair was waxed off, makeup and my hair was in a french braid completed the picture.

So story number one.  I was traveling across the country in Australia, I needed petrol as my petrol was running out, I was scared to get petrol because I thought people would read me.  Eventually I was forced to fill up and nothing happened.

Story number two.  I was in a town and nature called so I visited the appropriate toilet, I was scared going in, I had no choice.  I was washing my hands when I noticed another female present and she was looking at me and I was wondering if she read me.  I don't know, I was self conscious.  However I left soon after.

There were other encounters, were people using the right pronouns and questioning myself did I pass. Time went by and I became more confident, I was not acting per se as a female (all though I was female).  I was just going about my daily life as Me! Just be yourself and that was the way I went about my daily life.  As others have mentioned on this website, fear is the biggest factor in moving forward in our lives.

OK to be brutally honest there were two instances where I paused and considered what I was doing with my life, one was the consideration of de-transitioning. However, that was never going to fly in the face of it.  Why? I was standing in the middle of George Street, Sydney and I was thinking about others, that were considering reversing what they were doing and I thought what I had to do to achieve this, breast removal was one of the thoughts racing through my mind at the time. 

However, thinking about this, 30 seconds at most or a very short period of time, a sickening feeling came over me and I immediately and emphatically said no to myself about this.  There was no chance in hell, I was ever going back to the way that I lived and to this day thinking about how I lived makes me sick to the stomach, in other words it makes me very nauseous.

The other time where I considered the ramifications of what I was doing and possibly could of ended up not going ahead with the surgery, was on the day of my surgery. My friend at the time was driving my car and we arrived at the hospital and I sat there thinking about what lay ahead and realized that if I went ahead there was no turning back, but I only dwelt on these thoughts only for about a minute or so.

Actually my mind was basically blank at the time.  I already knew with out fear, what I was going to do, I did not know what the future was going to hold for me, not that I thought about that at the time, so I got out of the car and walked into the hospital and as they say, the rest is history.

One final thought on this, my past life makes me who I am today.

Well no, (smile on my face), again the fear, the background noise of, I did this, I did that, don't do that, what about my friends, what about my family, how are they going to treat me and similar comments are drowning you metaphorically.

You only need one thought and one thought only and that is "What do I want?",  You need to take care of yourself first and when you do that you will thrive.  If you are unable to answer this question, then seeking therapy would help you in this matter.

Again this tells me you want to live your life as a female.  I do not know the situations, where you need to be a male, however my thoughts are you need to take care of these situations as soon as possible.

Yes, you need to be strong, resilient and have the courage to live the life the way you want.  I know about the humiliation side, that has  occurred to me during my life and that was to get a document notarized in front of a Justice of the Peace and the document explicitly showed details of my previous life and getting my English passport renewed online, resulted in further details about my life being revealed, which results in me feeling embarrassed and humiliated.

Whatever you decide, members of Susan's will support you unconditionally, I for one will accept and respect you no matter what you decide to do. Being miserable is not an option being happy is.  Making decisions that will make you happy and the end result will make the dysphoria disappear.  My decision in taking that final step has given me the tranquility that I never had before and I have never ever regretted that decision.

Have a nice day and all the best for the future, no matter what you do.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B
PS You can PM if you need to.

Sarah.


You have taken much of your time to address my transitioning issues.  I appreciate this kindness.  Whatever the future brings I will strive to be thoughtful and thankful.  As I am not on a set timetable I will take this one day at a time and seek therapy for clarity when it makes sense.  Thank you Sarah.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Chrissy,  Sarah has given a mass of awesome information and I'll try to provide my perspective on 'going full time' and the consequences etc.  I've actually forgotten how long I have been FT but it's over 10 years and I must say that I have largely forgotten what it was like before hand. Yes I know what I was doing etc etc but the day to day emotions that self deals with do change. Humans adapt so well to circumstance that the past can become a selective memory unless you try to think through the times.

I do remember going FT. My therapist asked what was stopping me. I gave the usual avoidance answers that one gives to therapists. Well, go FT tomorrow. Was the gist of his reply. But- but-but was mine. So one week I had given a lecture to 400 medical students as himself and now I headed into the lecture theatre wearing a blouse, skirt, cute knee-length boots as herself. I fooled no one. There were 400 students who knew that I was a transgender woman. I don't recall all of the feelings, fear, nerves but I do remember my strongest feeling. I didn't care what they thought of me. I was me and that was that.

What stops people? Well obviously fear. Fear is a survival response that has evolved in Hominin to prevent us from getting crushed by mammoth and made dinner of by lions etc. Fear is an awesomely good survival mechanism but it has to be controlled. Otherwise we would never have managed to hunt the mammoth for food or kill the lion for our protection.  Controlling fear is a key but it cannot be done foolishly. Standing in front of the charging mammoth and going Dah dah de dah dah is not a good strategy. So if you have good reason to fear for survival in going FT, well listen to them, find ways of coping or dealing with those threats and move on. Both I and Sarah are in Australia and I know that life and acceptance of transgender people here is very different to that in many other countries. I have to admit that I wouldn't visit parts of the USA due to what I perceive as very real danger if I was "found out".

In retrospect I think that one of the most validating times for me was when I developed throat cancer. Everyone in my treatment team knew that I was TG. I had worked with them, they knew me before I transitioned. They knew. Part of my brain kicked in to tell me 'I pass so well that no one notices!' Bull>-bleeped-<. People accept me. People accept other people. People don't care as long as you are people.

There are and always will be bigots, fools and stirrers and of course trolls. They are the ones who make the noise, can fire barbs that hurt and are, believe it or not, the ones who are not accepted in society. Of course if you are in danger from such beings then you have to take avoiding action, until their nonsensical rubbish moves on. And it will.

So Chrissy, we make a decision on how we want to live. There is no magic 'erase my past' wand. There is no 'no one will ever know'. There is: I will live my life as I wish, I will try to hurt no one and I will help as many people as I am able. I will ignore the trolls and fools as their thoughts and deeds are not worthy of consideration. I will not be foolish and put myself in unnecessary danger; but I will not live in fear.
I am me and I will walk my own path.

Then Chrissy, one day we may see the headline " Chrissy (a transgender woman) will be inaugurated as the first female President of the USA....
Because the internet never forgets!

Hi Cindy and Chrissy

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 12:35:04 AMChrissy,  Sarah has given a mass of awesome information and I'll try to provide my perspective on 'going full time' and the consequences etc.  I've actually forgotten how long I have been FT but it's over 10 years and I must say that I have largely forgotten what it was like before hand. Yes I know what I was doing etc etc but the day to day emotions that self deals with do change. Humans adapt so well to circumstance that the past can become a selective memory unless you try to think through the times.
I do remember going FT. My therapist asked what was stopping me. I gave the usual avoidance answers that one gives to therapists. Well, go FT tomorrow. Was the gist of his reply. But- but-but was mine. So one week I had given a lecture to 400 medical students as himself and now I headed into the lecture theater wearing a blouse, skirt, cute knee-length boots as herself. I fooled no one. There were 400 students who knew that I was a transgender woman. I don't recall all of the feelings, fear, nerves but I do remember my strongest feeling. I didn't care what they thought of me. I was me and that was that.

Finally the most famous Drop Bear killer in all of Australia, finally over comes her fear.  I'm proud of you Cindy.  You have more intestinal fortitude than I will ever have.

I'm still deep deep in the closet or stealth. I'm a very private person as you know and standing in front of 25 odd screaming kids teaching mathematics is worse than the proverbial "drop bear".

Jokes aside Chrissy, Cindy is a wealth of insights far greater than I will ever have.

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 12:35:04 AMWhat stops people? Well obviously fear. Fear is a survival response that has evolved in Hominin to prevent us from getting crushed by mammoth and made dinner of by lions etc. Fear is an awesomely good survival mechanism but it has to be controlled. Otherwise we would never have managed to hunt the mammoth for food or kill the lion for our protection.  Controlling fear is a key but it cannot be done foolishly. Standing in front of the charging mammoth and going Dah dah de dah dah is not a good strategy. So if you have good reason to fear for survival in going FT, well listen to them, find ways of coping or dealing with those threats and move on. Both I and Sarah are in Australia and I know that life and acceptance of transgender people here is very different to that in many other countries. I have to admit that I wouldn't visit parts of the USA due to what I perceive as very real danger if I was "found out".

In other words, it's not good to pervericate, or in other words, stop dilly dallying.  Cindy is correct in saying Australia is more accepting of 'transgender' people, but then our discrimination laws are a lot better than the American's. I know I come across a lot of posts that are pure hatred, condescending and demeaning.

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 12:35:04 AMIn retrospect I think that one of the most validating times for me was when I developed throat cancer. Everyone in my treatment team knew that I was TG. I had worked with them, they knew me before I transitioned. They knew. Part of my brain kicked in to tell me 'I pass so well that no one notices!' Bull>-bleeped-<. People accept me. People accept other people. People don't care as long as you are people.

The old saying, "You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time." and in a sense, I guess this applies to me, I don't know what other people think of me, and there is no way that I will know unless they tell me directly or ask me.

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 12:35:04 AMThere are and always will be bigots, fools and stirrers and of course trolls. They are the ones who make the noise, can fire barbs that hurt and are, believe it or not, the ones who are not accepted in society. Of course if you are in danger from such beings then you have to take avoiding action, until their nonsensical rubbish moves on. And it will.

So true, so true and this is why I'm very strong in favor of not saying anything about ones condition, unless you really have to and then only to family, doctors and partners.

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 12:35:04 AMSo Chrissy, we make a decision on how we want to live. There is no magic 'erase my past' wand. There is no 'no one will ever know'. There is: I will live my life as I wish, I will try to hurt no one and I will help as many people as I am able. I will ignore the trolls and fools as their thoughts and deeds are not worthy of consideration. I will not be foolish and put myself in unnecessary danger; but I will not live in fear.
I am me and I will walk my own path.

Amen.

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 12:35:04 AMThen Chrissy, one day we may see the headline " Chrissy (a transgender woman) will be inaugurated as the first female President of the USA....
Because the internet never forgets!

I will vote for you Chrissy

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

This subject, what is stopping me, is something that I think about often. In fact, it is not just "what is stopping me from living my gender" but what is stopping me from many other things in life. I could go on about losing family members, losing my job and losing friends if I transition. I read about others that write those same issues. I get it. There is some truth to that. I have mentioned my childhood in my intro. My coping mechanisms paved the way for how much of my adult life turned out. I am a super pleaser and put everyone else's needs first. My needs have been on back burner since I was very young. I also carry a lot of guilt and shame. I blame myself for other's unhappiness.

I have made great strides over the years. I did 20 years of therapy. I listen to guided meditations and hyponsis recordings. I attended ACOA meetings. I journal. I read and watch podcasts from people like Dr. Gabor Mate. Yet I still default to pleasing and blaming myself. I get triggered into guilt and shame. My mother used to threaten to run away. That left me with abandonment issues. I don't blame my parents like I used to. I understand that they were terribly wounded people who couldn't love themselves. So it is up to me to re-parent myself.

I am on a healing path. I always thought that there had to be a better way to live, even when I was a child. My main goal is healing to my true self, not even mentioning my gender. Although as I heal, my female gender shows herself more and more. I can see a day in the future when I am living full time. I just can't put a date on that goal right now. I wouldn't say that I am deep in my closet. I went out of the house with makeup on once. I have long hair and pierced ears. I wore women's blue jeans when I was out and about.

When I imagine that I am at the end of my life and looking back thinking about regrets. I would regret not healing my childhood wounds more than I would regret living full time. But I think in a way, they are ultimately tied together and maybe inseparable.

Peace,
Kay

So that is what stops me.

My transition is moving slowly and steadily ... been 16 months of electrolysis, nearly 10 of hormones, my wardrobe slowly changing ... new female glasses (not many in my life have seen yet) longer hair, etc.  We still haven't told our adult son. That comes next month and then I think things accelerate.

But I think often about what the tipping point will be. And how at some point it CANT be just small little things, it's eventually going to be bigger more public and obvious ones.

When I think of that, what I try to focus on is the following experience. We had an athletic trainer working with us at the college for several years. Good guy, good trainer. He had slowly been losing his hair until he was pretty much bald (just some stuff left on the sides).

Well one day, he shows up with a full head of hair.  Just walks in with it. And says nothing. Just acts likes it's any other day. So we do too. 

Do we all talk about it when he's not in the room? Of course we do! It's the main topic of conversation for that first couple of days... and then... you know, the world keeps spinning. He's just a guy with hair now. And no one gives it a second thought.

Sure, on occasion we'd be traveling and someone who hasn't seen him in a while would be shocked and quietly ask one of us about it. And we'd just shrug it off. Oh yeah, he got a hair piece or something. Looks pretty good, yeah?

The point is, no matter how much we might think everyone is staring and noticing, even those who are - have more important things to think about. If you're good with it, they very quickly will be too.

At least that's what I hope I can keep telling myself when the time comes. 

@imallie
I posted this years ago but I think that it is still pertinent:

I quote from my own post 19 May 2019

"I thought that I was a 'slow transitioner' and then went full time after a few years. I had no great problems. However after I retired I was having dinner and drinks with old colleagues and one of them spoke up. "What was that business with gradually becoming more feminine? You know when you started to wear a bit of make up and then a few items of female clothing etc."  I fessed up that I thought that by taking slow steps I wouldn't startle anyone and become accepted. "You galah, we all used to talk about you asking what the Hell was going on. Then someone suggested that you might be transgender and was scared of letting us know, so we all ignored you until you came to your senses and just told us."

So much for slow changes being hidden and gradually blending in "

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 12:35:04 AMChrissy,  Sarah has given a mass of awesome information and I'll try to provide my perspective on 'going full time' and the consequences etc.  I've actually forgotten how long I have been FT but it's over 10 years and I must say that I have largely forgotten what it was like before hand. Yes I know what I was doing etc etc but the day to day emotions that self deals with do change. Humans adapt so well to circumstance that the past can become a selective memory unless you try to think through the times.

I do remember going FT. My therapist asked what was stopping me. I gave the usual avoidance answers that one gives to therapists. Well, go FT tomorrow. Was the gist of his reply. But- but-but was mine. So one week I had given a lecture to 400 medical students as himself and now I headed into the lecture theatre wearing a blouse, skirt, cute knee-length boots as herself. I fooled no one. There were 400 students who knew that I was a transgender woman. I don't recall all of the feelings, fear, nerves but I do remember my strongest feeling. I didn't care what they thought of me. I was me and that was that.

What stops people? Well obviously fear. Fear is a survival response that has evolved in Hominin to prevent us from getting crushed by mammoth and made dinner of by lions etc. Fear is an awesomely good survival mechanism but it has to be controlled. Otherwise we would never have managed to hunt the mammoth for food or kill the lion for our protection.  Controlling fear is a key but it cannot be done foolishly. Standing in front of the charging mammoth and going Dah dah de dah dah is not a good strategy. So if you have good reason to fear for survival in going FT, well listen to them, find ways of coping or dealing with those threats and move on. Both I and Sarah are in Australia and I know that life and acceptance of transgender people here is very different to that in many other countries. I have to admit that I wouldn't visit parts of the USA due to what I perceive as very real danger if I was "found out".

In retrospect I think that one of the most validating times for me was when I developed throat cancer. Everyone in my treatment team knew that I was TG. I had worked with them, they knew me before I transitioned. They knew. Part of my brain kicked in to tell me 'I pass so well that no one notices!' Bull>-bleeped-<. People accept me. People accept other people. People don't care as long as you are people.

There are and always will be bigots, fools and stirrers and of course trolls. They are the ones who make the noise, can fire barbs that hurt and are, believe it or not, the ones who are not accepted in society. Of course if you are in danger from such beings then you have to take avoiding action, until their nonsensical rubbish moves on. And it will.

So Chrissy, we make a decision on how we want to live. There is no magic 'erase my past' wand. There is no 'no one will ever know'. There is: I will live my life as I wish, I will try to hurt no one and I will help as many people as I am able. I will ignore the trolls and fools as their thoughts and deeds are not worthy of consideration. I will not be foolish and put myself in unnecessary danger; but I will not live in fear.
I am me and I will walk my own path.

Then Chrissy, one day we may see the headline " Chrissy (a transgender woman) will be inaugurated as the first female President of the USA....
Because the internet never forgets!

Cindy,

What you say makes a tremendous amount of practical sense.  I do appreciate you taking your time to share your thoughts on this.  I will see what happens over time for me. 
Thank you Cindy.


Chrissy

Short answer: my wife.

She says she will file for a divorce if I moved any further in transitioning. The sad thing is that from a financial and living standards perspective a divorce wouldn't make any sense at all. We both would suffer, she even more than me.

My SO has made it clear to me that if I take any steps towards transition we're history. We're not married, so it would just be a matter of moving out, but still....

--Claire

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 06:34:13 PM@imallie
I posted this years ago but I think that it is still pertinent:

I quote from my own post 19 May 2019

"I thought that I was a 'slow transitioner' ...   "You galah, we all used to talk about you asking what the Hell was going on. Then someone suggested that you might be transgender and was scared of letting us know, so we all ignored you until you came to your bloody senses and just told us."

So much for slow changes being hidden and gradually blending in "

Fixed that for you Cindy

Love and hugs
Sarah B

Hi Claire

Quote from: ClaireBlooming on January 26, 2024, 10:14:01 AMMy SO has made it clear to me that if I take any steps towards transition we're history. We're not married, so it would just be a matter of moving out, but still....

--Claire

I'm sorry to hear this, it's so disheartening it has come to this.  I sense you love your partner and this is the dilemma that you now face.

Remain with your partner and suffer from your dysphoria (for the want of a better word) or you sacrifice all ties that prevent you from taking care of yourself and hence making you a confident and happy person.

As you may have gathered I sacrificed everything.  It did not matter to me, I had no ties, even no relationship ties, except family and friends.  If I left and lived my life the way I wanted to, I won, even if my family did not except me I won.  I cannot express in enough words, the peace, contentment, happiness I achieved in my life because I took care of myself first, I took that risk, I still don't know how I did that, I did not even think I was taking a risk in those circumstances and when I did that, I achieved more than I will ever will do so again.

My thoughts are with you and make sure you look after yourself

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Hi Iztaccihuatl

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on January 26, 2024, 12:18:39 AMShort answer: my wife.

She says she will file for a divorce if I moved any further in transitioning. The sad thing is that from a financial and living standards perspective a divorce wouldn't make any sense at all. We both would suffer, she even more than me.

The brevity of your answer is really appreciated and it would be nice to hear more short answers to "what is stopping you as a MTF going full time".

Just like Claire's situation, but yours is more difficult to resolve.  I will reiterate what I mentioned in My Post & Claire's Post and that is I sacrificed everything and one other thought that comes to mind when a situation is really bad, I think of this, "I have clothes on my back, I have food and a roof over my head", my life will get better.  I know, I have been there, done that.  I was in a women's refuge, for a year (food clothes and roof). Got myself a certificate in office administration during that year and I then moved on with my life.

My thoughts are with you, take care and make sure you look after yourself.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Hi Imallie

Thank you for telling us your a part of your story.  I enjoyed reading it and was very much appreciated. Cindy's post earlier, has a similar story to the one you tell and both are funny in there own right.

Quote from: imallie on January 25, 2024, 05:38:39 PMMy transition is moving slowly and steadily ... been 16 months of electrolysis, nearly 10 of hormones, my wardrobe slowly changing ... new female glasses (not many in my life have seen yet) longer hair, etc.  We still haven't told our adult son. That comes next month and then I think things accelerate.

But I think often about what the tipping point will be. And how at some point it CANT be just small little things, it's eventually going to be bigger more public and obvious ones.

When I think of that, what I try to focus on is the following experience. We had an athletic trainer working with us at the college for several years. Good guy, good trainer. He had slowly been losing his hair until he was pretty much bald (just some stuff left on the sides).

Well one day, he shows up with a full head of hair.  Just walks in with it. And says nothing. Just acts likes it's any other day. So we do too. 

Do we all talk about it when he's not in the room? Of course we do! It's the main topic of conversation for that first couple of days... and then... you know, the world keeps spinning. He's just a guy with hair now. And no one gives it a second thought.

Sure, on occasion we'd be traveling and someone who hasn't seen him in a while would be shocked and quietly ask one of us about it. And we'd just shrug it off. Oh yeah, he got a hair piece or something. Looks pretty good, yeah?

The point is, no matter how much we might think everyone is staring and noticing, even those who are - have more important things to think about. If you're good with it, they very quickly will be too.

At least that's what I hope I can keep telling myself when the time comes. 

Take care and I hope everything goes well for the big changes that you plan.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on January 26, 2024, 12:18:39 AMShort answer: my wife.

She says she will file for a divorce if I moved any further in transitioning.

❤️💞❤️
May you see your power.
May you understand her perspective.
May you feel safe and loved.
May you be you in all of your you-ness.
May you see ways through this.
May you be open to possibilities.

Quote from: ClaireBlooming on January 26, 2024, 10:14:01 AMMy SO has made it clear to me that if I take any steps towards transition we're history.

❤️💞❤️
May you see your power.
May you understand her perspective.
May you feel safe and loved.
May you be you in all of your you-ness.
May you see ways through this.
May you be open to possibilities.

Quote from: Moonflower on February 05, 2024, 03:52:00 PM❤️💞❤️
May you see your power.
May you understand her perspective.
May you feel safe and loved.
May you be you in all of your you-ness.
May you see ways through this.
May you be open to possibilities.

That was beautiful.  Thank you so much.  I wish this for all of us.

--CLaire

Quote from: Cindy on January 25, 2024, 06:34:13 PM@imallie
I posted this years ago but I think that it is still pertinent:

I quote from my own post 19 May 2019

"I thought that I was a 'slow transitioner' and then went full time after a few years. I had no great problems. However after I retired I was having dinner and drinks with old colleagues and one of them spoke up. "What was that business with gradually becoming more feminine? You know when you started to wear a bit of make up and then a few items of female clothing etc."  I fessed up that I thought that by taking slow steps I wouldn't startle anyone and become accepted. "You galah, we all used to talk about you asking what the Hell was going on. Then someone suggested that you might be transgender and was scared of letting us know, so we all ignored you until you came to your senses and just told us."

So much for slow changes being hidden and gradually blending in "

Cindy is very much right. Initially my plan was to go slowly just allow those near me to have time to adjust. This was for my neighbors benefit only. It didn't take long for me to jump both feet in. The one piece of advise I would add when you get to that point is that some may need to know when you finally do go full-time depending on your situation. Despite living in a fairly conservative area most people were helpful and very few issues ever occurred.

Transition really comes down to our own comfort and readiness to move forward. In some ways, I might say it is mind of matter in regards to finally moving forward. SaraB gave some great advise to help give you some guidance in regards to what to do. I dragged my feet before taking any steps. What really shook my world and made me finally move forward was a good friend of mine dying. I had confided in her only a few weeks earlier.

Therapy along with hair removal are great early and steps to take. Regardless the steps you take and when you take them come down to when you are ready to take them. For some, like my spouse, going on outings early on can help give you confidence and chances to see how you feel and what you think in regards to presenting. They also become great chances to start building a wardrobe. Hugs
Mariah