Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey all - hard not to buy into the New Year/fresh start idea... so yeah, no looking back, I guess!

I did use the old blog as a way to remind myself of past milestones, dates, etc (sometimes I'd review it before a therapy session just so I could remember where we left off and what she knew, and what she didn't know... so I wouldn't repeat stories!) but now I suppose I'll have to rely on my memory starting in 2024.

Lord have mercy on us all.  ;)

Love,
Allie

P.S. I do have some updates from the holidays... but I'm going to wait until I'm done with the "probation" period and I can figure out how to update my profile and all that housekeeping first.

Happy New Year.

(Damn it, no one said there would be a math test today.)

Old and Cranky is just happy you're beginning again.

Welcome back !! Cant decide if I continue on with my old blog or the new one and where is that like button?

Quote from: davina61 on January 04, 2024, 03:56:45 AMWelcome back !! Cant decide if I continue on with my old blog or the new one and where is that like button?

Isn't that little "thumbs up" at the bottom of each post the like button now? I haven't tried to push one yet but that's what I would assume.

I kind of think you should start fresh ... since you wouldn't truly be 'continuing' the old blog — unless you had been in a coma for the last four years.  ;D

Come to think of it, I suppose I should do a quick "intro" for new folks, and, you know, since I'm a newbie here.  ;)

I'm 57 years old, and while my first, vivid, memories of a strong sense that my outer candy shell didn't match my inner nougat filling began in third grade, I spend the next 50 or so years trying to make those feelings go away.
Extremely happily married, with a wonderful son... when he graduated college in 2021 I had increasingly found the episodes of deeply longing to address the situation and not being able to push it away getting longer and longer, and my ability to suppress them shorter and shorter.
So in January of 2022 I began working with a gender therapist (my wife thinking I was talking to someone about panic attacks which I'd increasingly had... which, while technically true, was a lie with with I was quite uncomfortable).
Later that summer, after our 30th wedding anniversary, I came out to my wife. It was the single hardest thing I've ever done. We talked all night that night, and she came home from work the next day crying... and has not shed another tear since. She has been unbelievable supportive and amazing every single day since then.
The mantra I used when coming out to her was this: "I would rather go slowly together, than quickly on my own." — meaning, the pace of this would always be when she was ready.
A few months later she suggested I start electrolysis (which I've now been doing for about 15 months... maybe halfway done?), she later suggested voice which I did, and in April of this year I started hormones.
A quick side note - I suffer from something called chronic daily cluster/migraines. If you've never heard of a cluster headache — that's great. Usually to have heard of them means to know someone with experience with them, and that's no good. They're called "alarm clock headaches" or by their no-so-nice name: "suicide headaches."  Anyway, for the last 10 years I was forced to leave a job I loved because of all this... I have about 14 hours of migraine every day, and a cluster headache once per night, at exactly 1:07 am.
I mention that only because it was and continues to be a complicating factor in my hormone journey.  We started slowly to make sure it wouldn't make things worse (that would have been the ballgame if it had) and have increased slowly over time.
My lead neurologist, who was against the hormones, actually put the odds at 70% making things worse, 20% the same, 10% better.  So far I've had a dramatic decrease in cluster frequency (which could be related to my other treatments)... but good news is that so far I'm safely in the 30%.
You'll notice I haven't mentioned telling our son. Well we wanted to wait until we knew the hormones were going to be possible, and now that they seem established we've just been looking for an opportunity to have the talk. It was supposed to happen over the holidays but it didn't. More on that later.

But that is me, in a nutshell.  And if you know me, I really lean towards the "nut" in nutshell.  ;D

Love,
Allie

Welcome back, Allie! Thanks for the intro, sometimes it's difficult for me to keep up with (and remember) everyone's story.

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 04, 2024, 07:23:08 AMWelcome back, Allie! Thanks for the intro, sometimes it's difficult for me to keep up with (and remember) everyone's story.

Love always -- Jess

No worries, Jess, it's a lot to keep up with! A lot of folks, I mean.

I should have started that whole post with: "Previously on..." like they do on TV 😂

Good summation, Allie.

Allie,

I for one am looking forward to seeing more of your creations in the kitchen.

Ellen

There's my favourite soon-to-be Michelin Star chef. <3

Also... that really weirds me out that you're 57. I mean... I kind of wouldn't have put you more than late 30s at the most. But as they say... life isn't how long you live, it's how much you live.

Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2024, 01:42:22 PMThere's my favourite soon-to-be Michelin Star chef. <3

Also... that really weirds me out that you're 57. I mean... I kind of wouldn't have put you more than late 30s at the most. But as they say... life isn't how long you live, it's how much you live.

Now, when someone sees you in person and says "you're 57? I would have pegged you for your late 30's" it's a lovely compliment on how young you look!

However... when, without photos, someone just reads your stories and experiences and says "wow I thought you were 20 years younger" you have an immaturity issue 🤦😉😂❤️

Girl, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't need to see you to know how vibrant you are, how full of life you are. You're witty, erudite, charming and... well... just awesome. You're like.. forgive me for saying this... you're like seeing the OG "Snow White" for the first time and not realising it was made before you were born.

You aren't immature, Allie. If anything, quite the opposite. But you temper it in a way that's relevant to everyone. Kind of like Oldandcreaky. I'm half convinced she isn't old, or creaky. :P Some people just know how to engage with people. Where age is irrelevant.

Just sayin', though, I have the image of you in my head of Monica from "Friends". Only not quite so neurotic.

Quote from: imallie on January 04, 2024, 03:11:03 PMHowever... when, without photos, someone just reads your stories and experiences and says "wow I thought you were 20 years younger" you have an immaturity issue

Ha!  Too funny Allie!  Great to see you again!

~Sara

Another example of marrying the correct partner.  I'd say she loves you!  March on, darling!

Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2024, 03:35:50 PMGirl, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't need to see you to know how vibrant you are, how full of life you are. You're witty, erudite, charming and... well... just awesome. You're like.. forgive me for saying this... you're like seeing the OG "Snow White" for the first time and not realising it was made before you were born.

You aren't immature, Allie. If anything, quite the opposite. But you temper it in a way that's relevant to everyone. Kind of like Oldandcreaky. I'm half convinced she isn't old, or creaky. :P Some people just know how to engage with people. Where age is irrelevant.

Just sayin', though, I have the image of you in my head of Monica from "Friends". Only not quite so neurotic.

Well never before have I so woefully failed at making a joke and somehow walked directly into a lovely compliment. I'll have to try being unfunny more often.

(I know what SOME of you are thinking, and even as we speak, I am preparing retribution...)

Seriously, though, that's awfully sweet of you to say, Sephirah

Love,
Allie

Quote from: D'Amalie on January 04, 2024, 03:53:08 PMAnother example of marrying the correct partner.  I'd say she loves you!  March on, darling!

Oh for sure. I try very hard to remind myself every day how lucky I am to be with my wife. And that sentiment long predates the transition chapter of our story.

I kind of think Brits and Americans have a very different sense of humour, lol. Or maybe it's just me and the rest of the world. ;D

It's said that Americans don't get irony. Is that actually true? My education mostly comes from YouTube videos. But then most of the stuff that comes up in my recommended suggestions is Americans reacting to British comedy... and I think some of it is done for views. So, I dunno.

I will say, as a Brit, I am the ultimate heretic and don't find Monty Python remotely funny. Or drink tea...

Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2024, 04:30:46 PMI kind of think Brits and Americans have a very different sense of humour, lol. Or maybe it's just me and the rest of the world. ;D

It's said that Americans don't get irony. Is that actually true? My education mostly comes from YouTube videos. But then most of the stuff that comes up in my recommended suggestions is Americans reacting to British comedy... and I think some of it is done for views. So, I dunno.

I will say, as a Brit, I am the ultimate heretic and don't find Monty Python remotely funny. Or drink tea...

Well I'm a big fan of the British sense of humour (see what I did there?). Grew up with Monty Python, and am "tea tolerant" (a chai tea latte is pretty much the only thing I can order when forced to go to Starbucks... but not really sure that even qualifies as "tea")

I got my wife into Taskmaster, which is one of my favorite shows. It's just pure joy.

I have always found British humor to be the best. Nothing like the understated. A joke you didn't see coming, or don't get til later? I have two please! And for the record my ring tone on my phone is the Benny Hill theme. Although Monty Python's The Lumberjack Song might be more apropos.

As mentioned ... a story from the break, and then the bit of bad news.
First, we had a lovely break. My wife and I made a point to try out several new restaurants we'd wanted to try, we had the boy with us from Christmas Eve Eve until the day after Christmas (Boxing Day for some of you folks), although we expected/hoped it would be longer... more on THAT later.

Our final adventure was deciding to go into Boston on Saturday to go to a BBQ spot we'd been wanting to try for a few years - Sweet Cheeks Q. It was as good as advertised. Our plan, figuring the day before NYE would be a nice day to head in, would be to go into the city early, take a nice walk before lunch, eat and head home.

And I had just the place for the walk.

Over the last few months I've become obsessed with the works of art produced by this bakery in Boston - Jonquils. Some consider their cakes the most amazing looking cakes in the country, and honestly, I wouldn't argue.  So my wife agreed. It was about a 40 minute walk to the bakery. We'd get some stuff which we'd use as our NYE/NYD desserts, and walk back for lunch.

Easy peasey, lemon squeezy, as the bard famously wrote.

Well, the day was overcast on our walk there... but it was a lovely walk. And when we arrived, they were not sold out, luckily.

Just so you understand what we're talking about here: a few photos;

(https://i.imgur.com/pUpXg8n.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/0JJG3Ia.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/K08Pz0h.jpg)

So when I say works of art - I'm not kidding.

We spent about $80 on some desserts, and began the walk back... and immediately it began to drizzle. But that was ok, because it ended in a few minutes, as it was replaced by heavy driving rain and wind.

Because my wife is prepared for everything, she not only had umbrellas for us, but also a large reusable shopping bag...which we needed after a few minutes when the bakery bag began to disintegrate.

Of course, the rain, wind, traffic noice, and the hour... now lit my migraine fuse, and I think I was feeling my HRT a bit... so I was getting rather snarky with the "I TOLD you we should have just taken an Uber back."... meanwhile we could feel the two boxes of dessert shifting and bouncing around in the wind and rain on this seemingly endless walk back.

But end, it did. We made it back to the garage where we parked the car. Just a minute or two from the restaurant. We were not really speaking at that point, just a lot of wet grumbling. And my wife then pulled out her keys to open the trunk so we could put the desserts in there, and in so doing, she lost her grip momentarily and one of the boxes slipped out and smashed on the parking garage floor.

We were both silent for about 10 seconds, and then broke out laughing and could not stop for a good five minutes. When we got home, the desserts in the undropped box ended up mostly no worse for wear, while the dropped box ... well they were delicious, if looking nothing like the above photos.

We will 100% return to Jonquil bakery in the future, but it most certainly will be by car...

Love,
Allie

As for the bit of bad news...

Our big plan for the break was to finally tell our son. Even though he's only 30-40 minutes away, he works a very busy and hectic job and we don't see him that often. We did not want to tell him on the holiday (or earlier in the month on his birthday), but he was supposedly staying with us all week between Christmas and New Year's, so that was our plan.

The day after Christmas we all three went to an early morning movie followed by an early lunch. When we got home he immediately left to go spend the day with some friends who were back in town... and he didn't get home until after midnight.

The next day, Wednesday, it turns out an issue came up at work he needed to address. He was on the phone all morning, and when he was done we all went to lunch and when we returned he decided he needed to head home so he could be in the office.
He thought he might return later in the week... but never did.

My wife and I have been replaying everything over and over and trying to figure out if we missed some clear shot at doing it, and we didn't.  But that doesn't offer much solace.

Here's the thing. I am not that worried about how he will take it. But of course I'm incredibly anxious about doing it. So I'd really like to get it over with. I thought by now it would be over. The fact that it isn't, is a bit depressing.

But there's also part of me... that is conflicted. I almost feel like I did before I told my wife, if that makes sense. Meaning, the status quo is such a powerful draw.

Life is good right now. HRT has me feeling more "myself" and whole then I can ever remember. My wife and I are probably stronger than ever, especially since my biggest secret no longer is between us.

I like all my docs, my body is slowly changing, my wardrobe is slowly changing...but everything is this new status quo.

And telling the boy will, as did telling my wife, kick things into a new chapter. And while I'm excited and ready, the longer it waits, the more calcified I get in this one.

Not sure if ANY of that makes sense or resonates.

But that's where I am.

Love,
Allie

Oh one more addendum on not telling the boy and the holidays...

At his holiday party at work, his member of congress asked him what he was doing for Christmas.
He replied that he was spending "Christmas Eve at my dad's family, Christmas Day at my mom's" (as mentioned... we are a traveling family).

His boss then asked he had had any siblings, and he said it was just the three of us, to which they said "Oh it's so nice that your mom goes with you to your dad's and vice versa."

We just stared at him when he told us this. "You realize they think we're divorced?" I said. "Oh yeah, I guess so," he replied. "Don't you think you should correct that?" I said.. "No, it'll be fine."

He was also asked what he does over the holidays, and did he go skiing. And when he said he didn't and never has, the response was "you grew up in Mass and have never been skiing? Oh well I guess I didn't do it until I was an adult either. It's an expensive sport."

"So they think we're divorced AND poor?" My wife exclaimed?

After we ended up not being able to tell the boy, I mentioned to my wife... imagine when he tells his boss I'm trans. Combined with the other stuff I probably need to be on the lookout for a Go Fund Me account being opened in my name...

Sheesh.🙄😂

Quote from: imallie on January 04, 2024, 07:57:13 PMWe were both silent for about 10 seconds, and then broke out laughing and could not stop for a good five minutes.

I love your partnership.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 05, 2024, 02:27:18 PMI love your partnership.

I mean, there are times when you really have no choice but to laugh! But your kind words are really appreciated. Especially by a poor, divorcee like myself 🙄😂

I can see you're sad in your photo under your moniker, but you look quite wealthy in a Gilded Age way.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 05, 2024, 09:46:42 PMI can see you're sad in your photo under your moniker, but you look great wealthy in a Gilded Age way.

 ;D Good 'ol Nellie Melba... it's hard to let that photo go. But really I should start fresh with a new image for 2024. And other than being monumentally lazy, I probably would have already.

I love the skits of Monty Python.  I don't find the cartoons funny.  (Not as a general rule).

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 05, 2024, 10:38:33 PMI love the skits of Monty Python.  I don't find the cartoons funny.  (Not as a general rule).

Yeah, I am with you on that Rachel. I never really thought much of the little animated interludes.

Even doing a complete rewatch of the whole catalog last year (thank you, Netflix!) for the first time in ages, it just served to remind me how the animation didn't really do anything for me.

Just as long as you dont start cooking rat soufflé !!

Quote from: imallie on January 05, 2024, 09:50:09 PM;D Good 'ol Nellie Melba... it's hard to let that photo go. But really I should start fresh with a new image for 2024. And other than being monumentally lazy, I probably would have already.

Wait, what, that's not you? Dang. I was looking forward to petting your fuzzy, humpy, bumpy shoulders one day.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 06, 2024, 07:19:17 AMWait, what, that's not you? Dang. I was looking forward to petting your fuzzy, humpy, bumpy shoulders one day.

Well, if it helps, I do kind of slump, so I don't doubt that some sort of hump may yet be in my future. Dream big, I always say.

Quote from: imallie on January 06, 2024, 07:49:49 AMWell, if it helps, I do kind of slump, so I don't doubt that some sort of hump may yet be in my future. Dream big, I always say.

Do limit the slumping, please. If you're going to go Quasimodo, at least limit it to quasi-Quasimodo.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 06, 2024, 10:01:46 AMDo limit the slumping, please. If you're going to go Quasimodo, at least limit it to quasi-Quasimodo.

Pardon me, but we call it a Semimodo, thank you very much.

Quote from: imallie on January 06, 2024, 12:22:46 PMPardon me, but we call it a Semimodo, thank you very much.

I like the sound of that. Starting right now, I'm going to hunch. A little.

Quote from: imallie on January 04, 2024, 08:10:48 PMLife is good right now. HRT has me feeling more "myself" and whole then I can ever remember. My wife and I are probably stronger than ever, especially since my biggest secret no longer is between us.

I like all my docs, my body is slowly changing, my wardrobe is slowly changing...but everything is this new status quo.

I actually think this is pretty GOOD news, Allie.  I'm really happy for you, even if you just want to bask in it for a while before starting the next chapter.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 06, 2024, 02:40:43 PMI actually think this is pretty GOOD news, Allie.  I'm really happy for you, even if you just want to bask in it for a while before starting the next chapter.

~Sara

No argument here, Sara. That's (per usual) a really spot-on take. In fact, it's all very similar to what my therapist said when I first broached it with her last time we spoke (early November I think? That's where I miss the old blog - 😂)

I'm 100% NOT trying to rush things, and living in this happy place a while is kind of well earned... all that is good, I just mentioned to her my fear of losing my nerve. Of getting TOO entrenched, TOO comfortable... going back to that oh so familiar "I have so much to lose" for the possibility of a brighter tomorrow mind game we play before we realize we have no choice but to be honest with ourselves.

But she made a great point that of which I need to keep reminding myself. Like you said, it's fine to bask in this... and even though I'm not technically taking big leaps right now (even though I assume I will be bumping HRT levels up this week!), she said the psychology of knowing that I COULD at anytime, by my choice, is a lot different than that "trapped" feeling we all had in the beginning. So that's partially why this feels comfortable. Because it IS progress, just on my timetable.

And I know that, objectively. It's just sometimes... I can be monumentally pig-headed. And we made a plan to tell the boy over the holidays...and it's been 16 months since my wife has known, and nine months since hormones... and I just feel like it SHOULD have happened by now.

Quote from: imallie on January 06, 2024, 09:14:49 PMand it's been 16 months since my wife has known, and nine months since hormones... and I just feel like it SHOULD have happened by now.

It has happened. A lot of your body hair is gone forever. At this point, some of the changes to your skin and body are forever. Your relationship with your wife is forever changed. Your psyche is now forever changed.

I once told Emma that she'd reach a point where strangers would see her as female, regardless of what she wearing, due to estrogen-triggered changes. She hasn't reported this happening yet, but it happened to me. When I transitioned, I was locked into a work contract and so I wore suits and ties everyday to delay people perceiving me as female and it worked with people who'd known me, but it didn't work with people who were seeing me for the first time. I would say that this will happen to you too, but now I don't know. It might have happened with me because I was younger when I transitioned.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 07, 2024, 08:47:51 AMIt has happened. A lot of your body hair is gone forever. At this point, some of the changes to your skin and body are forever. Your relationship with your wife is forever changed. Your psyche is now forever changed.

I once told Emma that she'd reach a point where strangers would see her as female, regardless of what she wearing, due to estrogen-triggered changes. She hasn't reported this happening yet, but it happened to me. When I transitioned, I was locked into a work contract and so I wore suits and ties everyday to delay people perceiving me as female and it worked with people who'd known me, but it didn't work with people who were seeing me for the first time. I would say that this will happen to you too, but now I don't know. It might have happened with me because I was younger when I transitioned.

Understand and agree. Can't wait for that first "ma'am"ing 😉. But what I meant specifically was telling the boy. That's what I feel should have happened by now. But only because I had this artifical timetable in my head. Plus, those who do know - therapist, Endo, electrologist will (with good intent) ask "have you told your son yet?" And instead of taking it as them being interested in me, I think I take it sometimes as them questioning why I haven't done it yet.

Quote from: imallie on January 07, 2024, 11:14:40 AMUnderstand and agree. Can't wait for that first "ma'am"ing 😉. But what I meant specifically was telling the boy. That's what I feel should have happened by now. But only because I had this artifical timetable in my head. Plus, those who do know - therapist, Endo, electrologist will (with good intent) ask "have you told your son yet?" And instead of taking it as them being interested in me, I think I take it sometimes as them questioning why I haven't done it yet.

I'm just like them. I too want to know...that's it's okay, that he's okay with you because you love him so. We're just anxious because we care about you, about all of you.

Scene from a (trans) marriage #4351

We've had an issue with Directv all week. I will not go into the details, other than to say after two days of troubleshooting on my own, I admitted defeated and called "technical support" - when I really should have just banged my head against the wall.

But after two more days, I had an epiphany (based on reading more about the new laws on content in the recent Hollywood settlement) and came up with a creative workaround that would require extensively recabling our home theater system.

So we spent a few hours working on it this morning, and I kept getting 75% there, but always something not working, and at one point when I started to get a bit frustrated, my wife simply said:

"You know, I think it's likely that the hormones have removed your ability to set up home theater systems."

For the record, I did NOT laugh, although I did begrudging smile and tell her later that it was hilarious.

Now I do find that funny!

That's a good one, Allie!

Quote from: imallie on January 06, 2024, 09:14:49 PMAnd I know that, objectively. It's just sometimes... I can be monumentally pig-headed. And we made a plan to tell the boy over the holidays...and it's been 16 months since my wife has known, and nine months since hormones... and I just feel like it SHOULD have happened by now.

I totally get it.  If you refer to MY old blog (oh wait! It's not there anymore!), you'll remember that I would fret over each and every person I needed to out myself to.  I knew that I had a bigger plan on when I wanted to be "out" to the world, and I needed all of these tier I, II, and III people to be completed before I ripped the band-aid off.  I remember that being a pretty stressful month or so.

~Sara

Quote from: imallie on January 06, 2024, 09:14:49 PMBut she made a great point that of which I need to keep reminding myself. Like you said, it's fine to bask in this... and even though I'm not technically taking big leaps right now (even though I assume I will be bumping HRT levels up this week!), she said the psychology of knowing that I COULD at anytime, by my choice, is a lot different than that "trapped" feeling we all had in the beginning. So that's partially why this feels comfortable. Because it IS progress, just on my timetable.

My therapist told me about a client that was in the military, presenting as/assigned at birth as male, but who knew they were transfemme. The nature of their work environment prevented them from taking the steps they wanted to, so they painted ONE pinky nail. It was enough to offer some relief for their dysphoria. In my case, it feels like pushing the envelope with HRT-induced changes while still boymoding out in the world...for now.

O&C's point about reaching a tipping point is valid, of course. But aside from keeping that in mind, I want to do what feels comfortable and I try hard not to feel like I'm not keeping up with others, or doing "enough."

Quote from: TXSara on January 07, 2024, 05:20:58 PMI totally get it.  If you refer to MY old blog (oh wait! It's not there anymore!), you'll remember that I would fret over each and every person I needed to out myself to.  I knew that I had a bigger plan on when I wanted to be "out" to the world, and I needed all of these tier I, II, and III people to be completed before I ripped the band-aid off.  I remember that being a pretty stressful month or so.

~Sara

Makes sense and I do remember that Sara. I try to kind of put that out of mind a bit. Partly because I have honestly felt, from the start, that if my wife knew and was ok with it and our son knew and was ok with it, that was literally all I needed.  Everyone else was gravy.
But the other aspect is the strong instinct of my brain to turn things into a project I can organize, catalog put on a timetable - all the stuff I used to have to do when I had a million things on my plate. So AFTER my son, your phase II, III, etc idea is exactly what I'll turn to. But I know I'm going to fret about how do I tell this sibling before this one? This friend before this one? All the logistics of it will be an obsession. I just know me. 🤦�♀️

Quote from: Courtney G on January 07, 2024, 07:26:36 PMMy therapist told me about a client that was in the military, presenting as/assigned at birth as male, but who knew they were transfemme. The nature of their work environment prevented them from taking the steps they wanted to, so they painted ONE pinky nail. It was enough to offer some relief for their dysphoria. In my case, it feels like pushing the envelope with HRT-induced changes while still boymoding out in the world...for now.

O&C's point about reaching a tipping point is valid, of course. But aside from keeping that in mind, I want to do what feels comfortable and I try hard not to feel like I'm not keeping up with others, or doing "enough."

Smart therapist and you obviously took it all to heart, which is awesome. I don't think I'll worry about keeping up with the Joneses, so to speak. It's all my own internal clock.

As for the fingernail idea? I am awaiting a new pair of glasses we ordered last week.  They are pink women's frames, but not like bright hot pink. They're subtle and my wife thinks they'll look nice.  I assume I'll wear them around the house and we'll see how much they go out for a walk. But I think that's my new "fingernail" 😉

Good for you! The glasses sound fun!

Another thing: I have a trip coming up. I'm headed to a far-flung place in which no one will know me. Stuff is gonna happen. Stay tuned for that in my blog thread.

But you know, doing that doesn't mean I have to come out to all of my high school friends. We can just dip our toes (pinkies?) into the pool and see how that water feels.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 07, 2024, 07:44:07 PMGood for you! The glasses sound fun!

Another thing: I have a trip coming up. I'm headed to a far-flung place in which no one will know me. Stuff is gonna happen. Stay tuned for that in my blog thread.

But you know, doing that doesn't mean I have to come out to all of my high school friends. We can just dip our toes (pinkies?) into the pool and see how that water feels.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of playing the cards in front of me. So as mentioned, I'm trying really not to spend too much time thinking about the steps after telling our son. Because the results of that, and his input into the whole process, will have a big impact as to what follows. So no need to spend time fretting about it now.

It's why I changed my tag line to "Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe."  But to be honest, being a Nutmegger born and bred (meaning I was born in CT, just a stone's throw from his birth home), there's really a good Mark Twain quote for ANY situation...

By the way, because no one asked, probably my favorite Twain quote has always been:

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

Quote from: imallie on January 07, 2024, 08:24:29 PMBy the way, because no one asked, probably my favorite Twain quote has always been:

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

Heck, yeah!

Quote from: imallie on January 07, 2024, 08:24:29 PMBy the way, because no one asked, probably my favorite Twain quote has always been:

"I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead."

"Education is what you have left when you have forgotten everything you have learned"

"Everyone complains about the weather, no one does anything about it"

are personal favorites.

There is also support group logic that you may like Allie-- everything is worse in your head.

Jenn

Was hesitant to post this. Mainly because I feel a bit emotional about it, and I'm not 100% certain I'll correctly convey what I'm trying to share. So, apologies in advance.

I found out this evening that someone I knew and worked with for a long time passed away. I'm very generous with the word "friend", and so I would absolutely describe him as a "friend" normally, but in the case of a loss, it makes it seem like there was a closer relationship than there was. We worked together for more than a decade, and in the last 10 years we just stayed in touch via Facebook, that's it. I knew he'd fought off cancer, but as far as I knew he was well.

In fact, his birthday was on Christmas. And I'd just wished him happy birthday on Facebook, and he replied to the post. And he passed a week later.

The reason I'm sharing this, is I have this thing I do... that some of my actual real in person, everyday friends kind of mock me for - I wish happy birthday to everyone of my Facebook friends. It takes me 10 seconds every morning to check the list and to post the message. And obviously I don't know/remember even how I know some of them... but hey, the idea is... I don't know what people are dealing with. 99% likely it's meaningless that I do it. But maybe someone is having a bad day, and if even once a year someone is surprised or even a tiny bit happy that I did that... it's worth my time, since it costs me nothing.

I know that when my wife told me of this person's passing (she read the obit in the paper), I recalled that I'd just had some interaction with him... and looked back to see the birthday thing. And while I don't necessarily think posting the birthday message made me feel any better, I know had I NOT done it, and heard he passed.. I would have felt horrible. He obviously was sick again... so maybe the bunch of people who did offer wishes was a nice thing.

This is no way to say "oh hey, look at the nice thing I do." Because, let's be honest. What I do is so minimal to even register. But it just really brought to mind how important it is to tell the folks important to you how you feel, and to stay in touch with those you care about.

An occasional call or text, or email. Just SOMETHING. Don't think about doing it and not do it. When it comes to mind, do it. I'm guilty of not doing that many times myself, and this is a bit of a kick in the pants to me too.

And so I guess I just wanted to share it, in case it resonated and made others think to reach out to friends and family they haven't contacted in a while to at least just say "Happy New Year."

Love,
Allie

Quoteit just really brought to mind how important it is to tell the folks important to you how you feel, and to stay in touch with those you care about.

An occasional call or text, or email. Just SOMETHING.

That's a wonderful reminder, Allie. Thanks. I'm now going to text a pal I haven't seen in a bit and invite her over for eggs and taters!

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 07:59:02 AMThat's a wonderful reminder, Allie. Thanks. I'm now going to text a pal I haven't seen in a bit and invite her over for eggs and taters!

I made two calls this morning myself.

Allie, one thing that my current circle of friends taught me is make thank-you's for gatherings tangible. So, when I'm going to dinner or a party, I always take Godiva chocolates, toffee, or a Woodwick candle. I often take several gifts and they do the same, arriving with flowers or baked goods or whatever.

It's a way to say without words, "Thank you for remembering me. I also remembered you."

Your attention to social details, Allie, is why you were successful in communications and also why you'll be successful in the female role. Socially successful women attend to the details. Heck, your success in baking is all about the details too.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 12:06:41 PMAllie, one thing that my current circle of friends taught me is make thank-you's for gatherings tangible. So, when I'm going to dinner or a party, I always take Godiva chocolates, toffee, or a Woodwick candle. I often take several gifts and they do the same, arriving with flowers or baked goods or whatever.

It's a way to say without words, "Thank you for remembering me. I also remembered you."

Your attention to social details, Allie, is why you were successful in communications and also why you'll be successful in the female role. Socially successful women attend to the details. Heck, your success in baking is all about the details too.

Very wise, and of course, on brand. 😘

As you can probably guess, it's not uncommon that we arrive places with something I've baked. 😉

New glasses arrived today. I think we consider them a success on every level.

As we were opening the package, we recalled that we'd nearly forgotten that I needed to order them... so we did this on Jan. 31, so it was completely online. So my wife and I were entering all the numbers we THOUGHT we were supposed to from the prescription I had in my wallet, but really had no idea if a) I'd be able to see out of them, b) they'd fit on my face and c) they'd look good.

So far so good (although they're a bit tight on my head after a few hours... but that might be me being oversentative to things on my head (thanks migraines!) and the difference between men's and women's frames.

Here are my old and new frames:

(https://i.imgur.com/1eIn5Su.jpg)

What I don't know is if these will be my everyday frames or not. Not being out, maybe they're over the gender line too much. But honestly I don't think so. My wife thinks they look really nice.

Tomorrow I have electrolysis, and Thursday endo - so I'll certainly wear them out to both of those. Friday we'll go out to dinner. I'd imagine there as well.

Saturday, the funeral for a friend's father, and then lunch with some old friends. I'm guessing that's where I might feel like it makes more sense to go with the darker pair. But we'll see (pun intended!)

Love,
Allie

Hi Allie!  Love the new glasses!

Definitely need to go "dark" for the funeral LOL.  Everything else, though, is fair game!  I'm glad you're enjoying the slow progression and being present for it all.  It's nice, isn't it?

~Sara

I like them, Allie. A lot. I wish they were my glasses. My glasses came from the women's section, but are pretty masculine. I bought them because they hook behind my ears and won't fall off in my active life.

Yours are girly, so keep that in mind when donning them.

Super cute glasses, Allie!

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 10, 2024, 08:13:33 AMI like them, Allie. A lot. I wish they were my glasses. My glasses came from the women's section, but are pretty masculine. I bought them because they hook behind my ears and won't fall off in my active life.

Yours are girly, so keep that in mind when donning them.

Thanks! I think they're more girly off than on, but it is something I will be aware of. My electrologist really liked them, and shrugged off any issues with them being my everyday glasses - and she's one of the view people with complete and thorough knowledge of my my situation. So I will at least file away that opinion.

I did realize that I don't even need to make the decision on Saturday for the funeral (although Sara is right, black would have been more appropriate). But unfortunately a family member of the deceased is highly immunocompromised, so everyone is requested to wear masks.

So for my choice between black and pink frames? I'll be choosing contact lens (i.e., none of the above 😉)

Quote from: Courtney G on January 10, 2024, 10:05:14 AMSuper cute glasses, Allie!

Thanks Courtney!

QuoteI think they're more girly off than on, but it is something I will be aware of. My electrologist really liked them, and shrugged off any issues with them being my everyday glasses - and she's one of the view people with complete and thorough knowledge of my situation.

Your typo, "view people," made me smile. I write by the sounds of words. I want my words to harmonize. So, one of my common errors is a homophone or a rhyming word of the right. It's comforting to see another pro err the same way.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 10, 2024, 12:58:50 PMYour typo, "view people," made me smile. I write by the sounds of words. I want my words to harmonize. So, one of my common errors is a homophone or a rhyming word of the right. It's comforting to see another pro err the same way.

That's quite funny. I thought I was unique in that annoying error is by far my most common typo variety, other than my pathological inability to spell certain wurds korectley

Just back from my endo appointment. I very much like my doc, very personably, and never seems in a rush. She always seems as concerned with my mental health as well as my physical, which I appreciated.

Anyway, she said she'd like to bump my Estradiol another level, but ordered a complete blood panel first. Said once she gets the results she'll call it in.  She also was pleased with the existence of breast tissue, and said that because of the history of breast cancer with my mom, at some point she's going to order a mammogram — since I'm at risk due to family history and estrogen is an additional risk factor.

So all good.

But then came the part of the appointment/morning for which I'd like some feedback.

Since I hadn't eaten breakfast, she said I could go directly to the lab and get the blood work taken care of there and then (FYI - I seldom eat breakfast anymore, but make a point to NEVER eat on days of morning doc appointments, just for this situation).

But the thing is, as much as I was patting myself on the back for the no-breakfast thing, I had not really thought out doing labs this morning at all. I got to the lab and realized what I was wearing. This new pair of Lands Ends women's grey cords (so comfy!) and a plum mock turtleneck.

A mock turtleneck is no bueno for lab work. Rolling up the sleeve of a mock will damage the elasticity of the sleeve and it NEVER sits right on your wrist after that. You always can tell that was the sleeve you had to roll up past your elbow. And it eats at your soul.

So I was literally standing in middle of the lab for at least a minute, with all this going through my head, the lab request sheet in my hand, the other patients seated and staring at me, and the nurse at the desk staring at me... when I finally said (outloud - accidentally!) "Nope" and turned and walked out.

I decided the integrity of my shirt was worth more that the convenience of getting it over in one trip. So, yes, I will be forced to make a second trip to the hospital tomorrow morning, but my shirt will remain intact.

Be honest, I can take it: on a scale of 9-10, exactly how crazy am I?

Love,
Allie

On the Foghorn Leghorn Certified 1-10 Scale of Crazy, you're a G@.


Full Disclosure: I always fail at scales.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 11, 2024, 09:29:50 AMOn the Foghorn Leghorn Certified 1-10 Scale of Crazy, you're a G@.


Full Disclosure: I always fail at scales.

I can relate. 👍

Just raving normal dear!!

Quote from: imallie on January 11, 2024, 08:57:51 AMA mock turtleneck is no bueno for lab work. Rolling up the sleeve of a mock will damage the elasticity of the sleeve and it NEVER sits right on your wrist after that. You always can tell that was the sleeve you had to roll up past your elbow. And it eats at your soul.

I guess I have no soul as I would have rolled u the sleeve rather than having to go back and have the blood drawn.

Ellen

Talking about labs and what not to wear!

Back when I was underdressing and presenting male (pre HRT), I needed blood drawn unexpectedly like imallie.  Being winter and cold up here in northern UT I was wearing a long sleeve white mock turtleneck under a merino V-Neck sweater.  Sounds okay right?  Ah, but under was my favorite white lacy bra and panty set with lace trimmed satin camisole. 

Having had a good visit with my lady GP that morning, I didn't give what I was wearing much thought until it was my turn.  I considered an about face and quick skedaddle, once I thought through trying to pull the sleeve on my beloved sweater clear up to my shoulder.  Yet I chose to take a little step toward the outside that day. With pounding heart, I lifted shirt and sweater on that side to bare the elbow for poking and heard ... not a word about my satin and lace except, "This is going to poke a little, dear."  Another milestone made.

This was such a major step for me.  A first step, maybe second since my doctor already knew I was trans.  Yet from then I don't worry about what I'm wearing. I have standards, always clean, tidy and classy.  My Mommy would be proud of me, her hidden daughter. By the by, I'm Richelle.  Glad to know you :)

Between endo-requested lab requests and my annual wellness exam, I've had several blood draws this year. Each one has been stressful because hiding my breasts is extremely difficult. I have to plan ahead.

Anyway, I don't blame you for not wanting to compromise the shirt.

Quote from: EllenW on January 11, 2024, 10:55:22 AMI guess I have no soul as I would have rolled u the sleeve rather than having to go back and have the blood drawn.

Ellen

Nope, it simply means you have a good head on your shoulders and are not pathological.

Oh, and also that you likely have some floppy elastic wristbands on your garments. Which is a small price to pay for the above. ❤️

Quote from: Courtney G on January 11, 2024, 11:23:14 AMBetween endo-requested lab requests and my annual wellness exam, I've had several blood draws this year. Each one has been stressful because hiding my breasts is extremely difficult. I have to plan ahead.

Anyway, I don't blame you for not wanting to compromise the shirt.

Oh that's interesting Courtney - I kind of don't think about it when I'm in the bubble of that hospital. Obviously endo knows I'm trans, they use my female name on the paperwork (which is still just a feminized version of my male name) and I just figure the lab folks are "in on it" based on the requests and where it's coming from. So I've never given them a second thought.

It's absolutely NOT that I was being brave or cavalier, but just a clear, real life example of ignorance ACTUALLY being bliss. 😂

Quote from: D'Amalie on January 11, 2024, 11:20:18 AMTalking about labs and what not to wear!

Back when I was underdressing and presenting male (pre HRT), I needed blood drawn unexpectedly like imallie.  Being winter and cold up here in northern UT I was wearing a long sleeve white mock turtleneck under a merino V-Neck sweater.  Sounds okay right?  Ah, but under was my favorite white lacy bra and panty set with lace trimmed satin camisole. 

Having had a good visit with my lady GP that morning, I didn't give what I was wearing much thought until it was my turn.  I considered an about face and quick skedaddle, once I thought through trying to pull the sleeve on my beloved sweater clear up to my shoulder.  Yet I chose to take a little step toward the outside that day. With pounding heart, I lifted shirt and sweater on that side to bare the elbow for poking and heard ... not a word about my satin and lace except, "This is going to poke a little, dear."  Another milestone made.

This was such a major step for me.  A first step, maybe second since my doctor already knew I was trans.  Yet from then I don't worry about what I'm wearing. I have standards, always clean, tidy and classy.  My Mommy would be proud of me, her hidden daughter. By the by, I'm Richelle.  Glad to know you :)

Lovely to meet you as well, Richelle!

Nice story, and I nearly had the same thing happen last month!

Although I don't often wear bras, my wife has gotten me some sports bras that I do wear on days the mood strikes me. And I had an accident with a mandoline slicer and had to go to an urgent care spot for stitches.

Obviously in that case you have no control over what you're wearing, and they had to maneuver to pull my sweatshirt over my head while I held my bloody stump, and also my shirt.. and for a split second I thought "Oh my god, am I wearing a bra right now?" - I was not, but had I been... well, that would have been quite a show.

So your story resonated with me, for sure!

Love,
Allie

I've discovered that any medical type I see, from kidney specialist and cardiologist though GP nurses, and lab techs DON'T CARE a fig.  Or if they do who know or cares what they think!  My primary care is a women's clinic.  I'm paranoid sometimes at the glances from fellow patients, but in the end, it's never been a problem unless I make it one.

Quote from: imallie on January 11, 2024, 11:42:33 AMLovely to meet you as well, Richelle!

Nice story, and I nearly had the same thing happen last month!

Although I don't often wear bras, my wife has gotten me some sports bras that I do wear on days the mood strikes me. And I had an accident with a mandoline slicer and had to go to an urgent care spot for stitches.

Obviously in that case you have no control over what you're wearing, and they had to maneuver to pull my sweatshirt over my head while I held my bloody stump, and also my shirt.. and for a split second I thought "Oh my god, am I wearing a bra right now?" - I was not, but had I been... well, that would have been quite a show.

So your story resonated with me, for sure!

Love,
Allie

Oh my!  I hope you didn't lose a digit!

Once I decided to accept who I am, my wife went bra shopping with me.  I've not worn ugh undies for over 10 years.  HRT for over 5 years.  It's really nice to fill out a C cup, 44C or 46 B/C.  Amazing how comforting it can be.

Quote from: D'Amalie on January 11, 2024, 11:48:17 AMOh my!  I hope you didn't lose a digit!

Seven stitches and about 10 times that many (and deserved more) "I told you so's" from my wife.  It's nearly finally healed now. Just yesterday my iPhone actually started to recognize my thumb once again as a human appendage

Things are different here.  My hometown endocrinologist doesn't know I am trans (I haven't undertaken transitioning).  My ATL endo has been informed, but I asked that it not be part of his records. 

I asked (casually) my hometown endo if he had ever treated a transgender person with HRT.  He replied: "No.  And, I wouldn't.  I'd have to refuse treatment.  I don't want a patient who does that."

The local hospital has policies against discrimination.  So, there's that.  But, I am pretty sure my GP would drop me too.  It's just a very conservative place.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 11, 2024, 09:42:50 PMThings are different here.  My hometown endocrinologist doesn't know I am trans (I haven't undertaken transitioning).  My ATL endo has been informed, but I asked that it not be part of his records. 

I asked (casually) my hometown endo if he had ever treated a transgender person with HRT.  He replied: "No.  And, I wouldn't.  I'd have to refuse treatment.  I don't want a patient who does that."

The local hospital has policies against discrimination.  So, there's that.  But, I am pretty sure my GP would drop me too.  It's just a very conservative place.

Well I'm seeing my endo as trans HRT is one of her specialties, so that part was easy. I was nervous when I came out to my long-time PC doc, but he couldn't have been nicer about it.
Interestingly, my endo asked me if I'd updated my lead neurologist on how things were going today. And I told her that it just dawned on me that, while I initially asked his opinion about starting cross-gender hormones in the spring (and their potential impact on my chronic daily cluster/migraines) I kind of feel as if he's forgotten about it. It didn't come up at our subsequent appointments, so now I'm not sure whether or not I need to tell him again or not.  I've yet to tell my secondary neuro, who gives me my Botox injections.  I know I should soon. 
Definitely better up here in NE, as you'd imagine, but still all the people in a region don't think alike. I'm just as capable of finding a doc who bristles at the news as you are ar finding a supportive one - if you ever chose to go down the path at all. But makes perfect sense you being cautious considering your current status.

Oh, the ATL endo specializes in HRT for transgender patients. I can find one in the south.  He is just hours away, so not as convenient as the hometown endo.  My hometown only has one endo, and he is it.  I figure if I am driving an hour, I might as well drive a couple to get to someone who specializes.

Most people around here are too polite to do anything other than use obviously desired pronouns.  Ambiguity seems to engender uneasiness, as people don't want to offend, but don't want to ask, and don't know what to do.  I don't think they generally dislike people for being gender queer, they just see talking to them as a potential minefield. 

But, there is a high percentage (certainly not MOST, but many) who want to make a point of letting everyone know "they weren't fooled", and they "aren't playing along".  For them, it is a virtue to make a deal of it.  I think they see it as fighting a change they find shocking and unacceptable.

Men like this tend to either deadpan ignore our adherence to gender norms (calling MTF's "Sir" and not accepting correction) or mock and laugh at us.  Women, tend to make catty comments that can penetrate defenses, and try to entice a group to exclude us.

It isn't that they are the majority here.  It is that the support of the majority who are "tolerant" (don't want to be seen as mean) is so weak, that they are easily swayed to display their own muted bigotry.  And, there is a LOT of that here.

I don't know what it's like other places.  And, I have only witnessed it through seeing transwomen (no one here seems to care about the difference between a butch lesbian and a transman; it sort of a "whatever").  But, somehow for MTF's that I can tell are MTF's and so can everyone else, this is how they are treated. 

I defend the MTF's and shame those who are unkind, knowing full well it is self defense as much as anything.  And, one person standing up to meanness can make a HUGE difference.  For this, I am seen as "liberal" and/or brainwashed.  Whatever. 

But, this is one reason I don't think transitioning would be good for me.  I am afraid that such treatment would wear me down and eventually make me miserable.  Until I am convinced that I can take such meanness and truly not be hurt, because I just don't care anymore, I need to hide under a cloak of "regular guy...who is liberal".

Lots of good nuggets in here, Rachel.  As a southern girl myself (we can argue later about whether Texas is truly part of the "South" LOL), I see a lot of what you describe.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 12, 2024, 12:26:39 PMMost people around here are too polite to do anything other than use obviously desired pronouns.  Ambiguity seems to engender uneasiness, as people don't want to offend, but don't want to ask, and don't know what to do.  I don't think they generally dislike people for being gender queer, they just see talking to them as a potential minefield. 

This describes a LOT of people around here.  If I'm completely honest with myself, I believe that 5-10 years ago I was also one of those people who would avoid interactions with people I wasn't sure how to address.  It's uncomfortable, and people don't like to be uncomfortable.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 12, 2024, 12:26:39 PMBut, there is a high percentage (certainly not MOST, but many) who want to make a point of letting everyone know "they weren't fooled", and they "aren't playing along".  For them, it is a virtue to make a deal of it.  I think they see it as fighting a change they find shocking and unacceptable.

I don't agree that this is a high percentage.  It's actually pretty low in my experience.  That being said, all it takes is one person to make a hurtful comment that will take you days or weeks to let go of.  Heck, that BS I had to endure this past week at the women's group will probably affect me for a good while.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 12, 2024, 12:26:39 PMBut, this is one reason I don't think transitioning would be good for me.  I am afraid that such treatment would wear me down and eventually make me miserable.  Until I am convinced that I can take such meanness and truly not be hurt, because I just don't care anymore, I need to hide under a cloak of "regular guy...who is liberal".

It's definitely possible that the treatment would wear you down.  It's hard.  I don't feel nearly as hurt, though, by the idiots as I am by the ones I "think" are going to be supportive.  Those are the ones that cut me deeply.  When I'm misgendered by an "ally" or objectified by someone I'm dating, it hurts pretty bad.  I refuse to put the walls up, though.  I just find other people to spend my time with.

~Sara

Yeah, are you all familiar with the Latin saying "Corruptio optimi pessima"?

It means corruption of the best is the worst. The idea of being hurt by a person with whom I hold in little or no regard does not bother me.  Maybe I'm "lucky" in having been tangentially in the public eye long enough to see my name dragged and savaged online by fans complaining about my job performance (so you want a job in athletics? Develop a thick hide)

However, I know the things that cut the deepest are when people who you know and respect turn out to be less than and show that through expressions of ignorance either directly to you or, somehow worse, behind your back.

THAT is the part I think about of what's ahead, on the nights when it keeps me awake.

Corruptio optimi pessima

Out to lunch with old friends today (after attending the funeral for the father of another old friend). Because the funeral required masks, I had contacts in... which ended up probably working out, in terms of REDUCING the questions about my appearance.

The first comments, were on my hair, which is getting pretty long. The wife of the couple said how much she liked me letting my hair grow, and my friend then asked when I was getting it cut, and I made a joke about how I was not going to get a cut until our son did (he has notoriously long hair, really since the pandemic!)

Most comments were positive, but it was the first time anyone had bumped on my physical appearance at all. And what was funny was that my friend said that I kind of now have hair 'like Larry David"

He then added- are you going to get glasses like Larry too? If anyone has seen the trailer for the final season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry is wearing very obviously women's glasses - so it would have been quite something had I been wearing my new glasses to the lunch.

I told him that I actually did have new glasses and they were more like Larry's glasses than he'd imagine, with a smile.

Obviously this is just the start, which is why it would be so great when we finally tell our son... because, for example, this couple is 100% people we would have consider telling today had he already know.

We had a discussion on telling the boy, which I will share later - we're heading to an early dinner now while I'm in a bit of a low point on the migraine scale.

Love,
Allie

Quote from: imallie on January 12, 2024, 05:18:02 PMYeah, are you all familiar with the Latin saying "Corruptio optimi pessima"?

It means corruption of the best is the worst.

Yes.  Exactly.

Lot of time in the car today... driving to the funeral, to lunch, and home... each leg was an hour plus.
We talked about the plan with the boy, and we realized that we have a couple of good opportunities coming up soon. First, among his Christmas cornucopia of gifts, we got him a Blu Ray player. Yes, I know everyone streams everything nowadays, him included, but we still have a big library of Blu Rays, and we figured, if he had a player he could grab a stack of those movies that aren't streaming anywhere that he's in the mood for and have them on hand. Definitely went over well.  So we figure he'll be making BR exchanges in the near future, and we'd have an opportunity then. (The ol' bait and switch! LOL)

But also, my wife the banker helps him with his taxes, so he'll be coming home for a morning to do those soon. And while we didn't want to tell him on a holiday, we both decided that "doing his taxes day" is NOT a holiday we have to worry about violating. So worst comes to worst, that's when we do it.

Oh and lastly? While out to that early dinner, got my results from the blood tests yesterday.

E went from 34.9 in September to 99.  T went from 238 in August (didn't test in September for some reason), to 3.

Obviously haven't heard from endo as to how she wants to proceed, but it's nice to see things on the move!

I really don't have anyone that could possibly let me down that way Sara.  There is absolutely no one in my life that I don't fully expect to reject me if I come out.  That included my wife, who surprised me with ...not total rejection.  My dad is dead.  He wouldn't have accepted it.  My mom is essentially gone (dementia).  She had told me that anyone who was trans should kill themself.  So, I think I know where she would stand.  My sisters already don't talk to me, and have already forbid their children to associate with me.  So, not them.  And, my friendly acquaintances?  I don't have friends because I fully expect all of them would reject me if they really knew me.

No one can let me down, because I don't expect anyone to do anything other than reject me.  So, all I really have to worry about is loving myself enough to not care if people who don't mean anything to me are mean.  The rest is already fully taken into consideration.

Allie, those hormone levels sure have changed.

Rachel, you remind me of my mother. The circumstances of her life elevated her from the trailer where I was born to trips around the world and a waterfront house. And it was all given to her, i.e. she didn't have a career and earn it. However, spend an hour with her and you'll think that none of that happened, that she didn't travel from the Arctic to the Antarctic and that she doesn't live on a lake, for she catalogs and nurses every hurt, no matter how long ago or how slight. Her narrative is one of hurt after hurt.

Hearing her bewail her life is hard for me to hear, as I sit in her lovely home and see the photos of all she's seen and done. So, one day, I asked her to share three stories of wonderful moments she had on her travels.

"I'll have to think about that," she replied, as if it were a task.

And the next day she told me three tales of travel woe.

You too have so much deserving gratitude, Rachel.

Well, I have worked for it.  I am still a partner in the law firm I clerked for in law school.  I practiced for more than 20 years making a good living.  My dad didn't leave me anything in his Will.  So, I am not like your mom in that way.  My dad did give me and my sisters a parcel of property (which I put into a LLC as part of the agreement on the gift).  He paid $250,000 for the land.  We (I) sold it after 8 years for $750,000 to an company I came into contact with or acting law, and 1031 exchanged it for a corner in a developing part of town that a car dealership in tight times had to let go of.  I sold half of that property to Office Depot, and another few parcels to other retailers, and built a shopping center on it.  My family did allow those ideas to proceed.  I did those deals, my sisters didn't help but profited just as I did. That doesn't bother me.  What bothers me is that they were going to use their 2/3 control to try to deprive my wife of the value upon my death.

When my dad was too sick with cancer to run his companies, I stopped practicing law to run them.  The 5 years I did that were the most profitable ever.  So, I didn't do nothing to get what I have.  I had a helping start.

And, I have enjoyed a remarkable life.  I have nice things, and while I certainly haven't traveled like your mom, I have been to the Caribbean a few times and to Europe once.  I haven't seen all of the U.S., but I have seen at least parts of 25 states.  I am blessed in a lot of ways, and wasn't aware that I have come across as being deprived...or, maybe I didn't and you are trying to suggest that you know I have these positive things, and want to make me feel ungrateful for the things I have?

Regardless, I am grateful for what I have, but I did work for it.  Not much of it was given to me.  But, I am lucky to have enjoyed the success at making money that I have.  I was unlucky that everything (other than the law practice) that I did, I only owned 1/3 of and therefore only had a 1/3 vote. And, my sisters made it clear that when I died they would try to screw my wife out of my part.

What I have never had was anyone that would accept me being transgender. My wife didn't divorce me, but she doesn't accept that aspect of me and would leave me if I transition.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 14, 2024, 10:27:27 AMAllie, those hormone levels sure have changed.

Yeah, just waiting to see what my endo says about them. I was pleasantly surprised that E finally shot up, but a little shocked that T cratered like that. I didn't think it was healthy to be non-existent like that. But she's the expert so I will not waste time fretting about that aspect of it it until I hear her take on it all.

QuoteI am blessed in a lot of ways, and wasn't aware that I have come across as being deprived...or, maybe I didn't and you are trying to suggest that you know I have these positive things, and want to make me feel ungrateful for the things I have?

I want people to be grateful and happy.

Just my two pence worth, I have always just got by. Managed to go to Sweden, south of France and Florida (all with my hot rod club mates) but the thing is money may help you buy things to make you happy But it cant buy you happiness. Make the most of what you have is my motto.

QuoteMake the most of what you have is my motto.

So true, Davina. In the summer, a couple mornings each week, I rise at 3:00 to be on the water at four. I launch in the dark to witness the rising of the light, which surpasses any relatively puny cathedral or castle. And it's free. Heck, you can walk down a city street when that certain evening light gilds everything and be grateful you're there to see it all glow like gold. I read Davina how you delight in cooking and I've seen the photos of you in your pub, also glowing, also golden.

Quote from: imallie on January 14, 2024, 08:55:56 PMYeah, just waiting to see what my endo says about them. I was pleasantly surprised that E finally shot up, but a little shocked that T cratered like that. I didn't think it was healthy to be non-existent like that. But she's the expert so I will not waste time fretting about that aspect of it it until I hear her take on it all.

That's pretty much how spiro worked for me.  I was in the low 400's starting out, then immediately dropped to less than 10.  I have been under 10 ever since.  I wouldn't worry too much -- I think this is pretty normal.

~Sara

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 15, 2024, 07:02:41 AMSo true, Davina. In the summer, a couple mornings each week, I rise at 3:00 to be on the water at four. I launch in the dark to witness the rising of the light, which surpasses any relatively puny cathedral or castle. And it's free. Heck, you can walk down a city street when that certain evening light gilds everything and be grateful you're there to see it all glow like gold.

That sounds wonderful, O&C.  A lot of happiness is about perspective.  Of course, things can happen that will get you down, and the constant struggle that we are forced to live with is definitely one of those.  Even so, there's almost always a way to see something positive in your life -- it may take a little work to find, but it's there.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 15, 2024, 07:28:38 AMThat's pretty much how spiro worked for me.  I was in the low 400's starting out, then immediately dropped to less than 10.  I have been under 10 ever since.  I wouldn't worry too much -- I think this is pretty normal.

~Sara

Oh ok, thanks Sara!

The biggest physical thing I've noticed — that I attribute to the quick drop in T, is on the treadmill. My daily hour, has suddenly become quite the struggle. Now it's 30 minutes, 45 minutes and sometimes an hour... or at least that's the last couple of weeks. 

But it could also be tied to a lot of other environmental factors, of course, it's just something I immediately bumped on when I saw that number and it made me wonder if there was any reason to look into it further.  As mentioned, I had PRETTY MUCH convinced myself to just wait to hear from my endo, but your confirmation is very much appreciated. 😁

Okay I have retired so no daily workout but I was losing strength before that, put that down to the HRT.

Quote from: davina61 on January 15, 2024, 07:40:41 AMOkay I have retired so no daily workout but I was losing strength before that, put that down to the HRT.

Interesting, thanks. Just because things are getting harder, makes me want to push more. But I also know it'll make weight loss more difficult if there's a concurrent slowing of metabolism (because the typical calories my body is burning outside of any through activity will be reduced).

By the way, retired or not... I do hope you're finding ways to be active on a daily or weekly basis. Forget working out, just plain ol walking is good enough. Just move your body if you can.

Love,
Allie

Btw, from the "ignorance is bliss" division of cooking...

It's 17 degrees here this morning (Fahrenheit, sorry my friends across the pond, you'll have to convert to Celsius yourself!), and when we went shopping this morning I said to my wife "we should make a vegetable soup tonight.'

She said "Do we know how to do that?"
To which I said "how hard can it be?"

So I bought a bunch of veggies - butternut squash, zucchini, bell peppers, onion, carrots, broccoli, and garlic — and I plan on roasting them until tender.

Then putting them in a pot, with four cups of stock... hitting it all with an immersion blender, adding some yogurt if needed to get it a bit more creamy, and then seasoning as needed.

And that's a creamy vegetable soup.

OR that's a big pot of wasted, tasteless vegetable goo.

Guess we'll find out later this evening.... 🤞 😂

QuoteGuess we'll find out later this evening....

Let us know, okay?

Working on the hot rod keeps me moving but got laid up with sciatica, with that and Christmas I now have extra work to do. Leg is still weak so cant walk far, got the kitchen steps in the living room so I can do "step ups" and will be swinging a cast iron cooking pot around as well.
 Did you see the recipe I posted on Jessica Ks page, nice and filling. Made broccoli soup for lunch and that is nice. 

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 15, 2024, 07:02:41 AMSo true, Davina. In the summer, a couple mornings each week, I rise at 3:00 to be on the water at four. I launch in the dark to witness the rising of the light, which surpasses any relatively puny cathedral or castle. And it's free. Heck, you can walk down a city street when that certain evening light gilds everything and be grateful you're there to see it all glow like gold. I read Davina how you delight in cooking and I've seen the photos of you in your pub, also glowing, also golden.

This reminded me of one of my most unforgettable memories while surfing years ago in the evening at The Hook in Santa Cruz... the sun was going down and all of a sudden the water looked like shining silver mercury all around me... reflecting the red, orange and yellow fire of the sunset and all alive with the moving texture of the waters surface... 🔥🤗🔥

Onward!

A 💕

Quote from: davina61 on January 15, 2024, 09:58:50 AMWorking on the hot rod keeps me moving but got laid up with sciatica, with that and Christmas I now have extra work to do. Leg is still weak so cant walk far, got the kitchen steps in the living room so I can do "step ups" and will be swinging a cast iron cooking pot around as well.
 Did you see the recipe I posted on Jessica Ks page, nice and filling. Made broccoli soup for lunch and that is nice. 

Sounds like you're determined to keep busy and moving, and not let your sciatica issues keep you down. Can't ask for anything more from ourselves that making the best from what we have. That's great stuff, Davina!

Oh and I'll go check out your recipe. If it's a broccoli and cheese soup it might be more calories than I'm normally looking for, but also, if it IS a broccoli and cheese soup - I love a good broccoli and cheese soup.  And 'foods you enjoy' are just as important a food group as protein, fiber, carbs, etc!!!

Thanks!

Quote from: imallie on January 15, 2024, 07:37:07 AMThe biggest physical thing I've noticed — that I attribute to the quick drop in T, is on the treadmill. My daily hour, has suddenly become quite the struggle. Now it's 30 minutes, 45 minutes and sometimes an hour... or at least that's the last couple of weeks. 

But it could also be tied to a lot of other environmental factors, of course, it's just something I immediately bumped on when I saw that number and it made me wonder if there was any reason to look into it further.  As mentioned, I had PRETTY MUCH convinced myself to just wait to hear from my endo, but your confirmation is very much appreciated. 😁

Allie, on the treadmill, are you trying to maintain a similar pace or a similar heart rate as before? I am asking because I have been struggling on my indoor rower too, but it is more related to age related speed drops rather that hormone induced ones. The monitor relentlessly and mercilessly shows the pace of each stroke and I still have my pace times from 10 years ago in the back of my head (I have given up comparing me to my pace times from the early 90's, though) and try to maintain these and it gets harder and harder and I have to stop to take a break, which I have never done before. Then I switched to ignoring pace times and focus on heart rates and the rate I want to maintain and it has gotten easier and I don't struggle anymore with exercising for an hour straight. Just something to think about.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on January 15, 2024, 12:28:11 PMAllie, on the treadmill, are you trying to maintain a similar pace or a similar heart rate as before? I am asking because I have been struggling on my indoor rower too, but it is more related to age related speed drops rather that hormone induced ones. The monitor relentlessly and mercilessly shows the pace of each stroke and I still have my pace times from 10 years ago in the back of my head (I have given up comparing me to my pace times from the early 90's, though) and try to maintain these and it gets harder and harder and I have to stop to take a break, which I have never done before. Then I switched to ignoring pace times and focus on heart rates and the rate I want to maintain and it has gotten easier and I don't struggle anymore with exercising for an hour straight. Just something to think about.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Thanks Heidimarie -

My heart rate is pretty constant from session to session.

What just happens is, previously, I'd hit the hour mark (2.5 / 3 miles depending on the pace) and I'd be done. But lately, after 30-40 minutes my tank suddenly seems empty.

Again, I gained a few pounds missed a few days, my clusters were bad, we travelled more, etc... environmental factors came into play as well. I just noticed it.

So we'll see what happens this week.

Love,
Allie

QuoteThis reminded me of one of my most unforgettable memories while surfing years ago in the evening at The Hook in Santa Cruz... the sun was going down and all of a sudden the water looked like shining silver mercury all around me... reflecting the red, orange and yellow fire of the sunset and all alive with the moving texture of the waters surface... 🔥🤗🔥

If you're not out there, you can't witness, and if you're not grateful, you don't belong there.*


*Of course, I told you NOTHING you don't already know, sweet A.

Quote from: imallie on January 15, 2024, 07:37:07 AMOh ok, thanks Sara!

The biggest physical thing I've noticed — that I attribute to the quick drop in T, is on the treadmill. My daily hour, has suddenly become quite the struggle. Now it's 30 minutes, 45 minutes and sometimes an hour... or at least that's the last couple of weeks. 

Do follow up on that.  It may just be the hormones.  It concerns me because I watching my dog fade away, and his first symptom (which we didn't lock up until too late) was a loss of stamina.  We thought it was age or maybe laziness.  But, looking back, we should have delved deeper.  His blood work was fine, so we assume he was fine.  But, some sorts of disease can have few and very benign seeming symptoms. 

Just broccoli and 2 med potatoes, small onion and some garlic and 2 veg stock cubes (didn't need seasoning as stock cubes are salty) , just attacked it with the stick blender when it was soft enough!
Have enough for tomorrows lunch as well. Mixed Veg curry, just go easy on the oil! 

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 15, 2024, 02:21:34 PMDo follow up on that.  It may just be the hormones.  It concerns me because I watching my dog fade away, and his first symptom (which we didn't lock up until too late) was a loss of stamina.  We thought it was age or maybe laziness.  But, looking back, we should have delved deeper.  His blood work was fine, so we assume he was fine.  But, some sorts of disease can have few and very benign seeming symptoms. 

Thanks Rachel. I feel like my vet is usually pretty thorough with his exams. He was a bit concerned I might have worms, and said we should watch it. 😉 Seriously though, yes, it's obviously something to bear watching if something else manifests or if it persists. 100%.

Quote from: davina61 on January 15, 2024, 02:36:08 PMJust broccoli and 2 med potatoes, small onion and some garlic and 2 veg stock cubes (didn't need seasoning as stock cubes are salty) , just attacked it with the stick blender when it was soft enough!
Have enough for tomorrows lunch as well. Mixed Veg curry, just go easy on the oil! 

Oh that sounds good!

So first, got word from my endo... she was happy with the numbers and called in the new increased E patch, which I'll pick up in next few days. She was good with the low T number as Sara said, so all is well!

As for soup? A success!

Got a yield of 9 cups, at just 99 calories, 5 grams of fiber per serving...

Here's the soup pre immersion blender

(https://i.imgur.com/fChQagG.jpg)

And here's it post:

(https://i.imgur.com/oPJVuyf.jpg)

It ended up being:

20 oz cubed Butternut squash
14 oz Broccoli
8 oz baby Carrots
1 medium Zucchini
1 medium Yellow Squash
1 medium Yellow Onion
1 bulb garlic
4 cups vegetable stock
1 can (1 1/2 c) fire-roasted tomatoes

Only needed two teaspoons of EVOO (1 per tray of veggies)

Salt/pepper, oregano, parsley, basil, and paprika ... all to taste.

I could eat that soup for lunch and dinner. YUM! Thanks for the photos and the recipe.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 14, 2024, 01:04:40 AMI really don't have anyone that could possibly let me down that way Sara.  There is absolutely no one in my life that I don't fully expect to reject me if I come out.  That included my wife, who surprised me with ...not total rejection.  My dad is dead.  He wouldn't have accepted it.  My mom is essentially gone (dementia).  She had told me that anyone who was trans should kill themself.  So, I think I know where she would stand.  My sisters already don't talk to me, and have already forbid their children to associate with me.  So, not them.  And, my friendly acquaintances?  I don't have friends because I fully expect all of them would reject me if they really knew me.

No one can let me down, because I don't expect anyone to do anything other than reject me.  So, all I really have to worry about is loving myself enough to not care if people who don't mean anything to me are mean.  The rest is already fully taken into consideration.

I kept schtum to my parents as a courtesy to them as much as conflict and rejection avoidance strategy.  I'm sure they knew somewhat, yet they never directly brought the subject to conversation. 

Considering that it's a bit of a given situation with both my ears pierced with femme style earrings and hair style, expectations were someone would mention it, no?  On an occasion only a very few years ago Mom noticed my diamond stud earrings, complimenting them and admiring the 1.0mm 14kt gold neck chain I wore.  She then went to her jewelry box and presented me with an antique diamond and platinum heart pendant for my chain!  Very, very surprised I thanked her with gentle words and a hug.  They never asked gender determination related questions and I certainly wasn't obligated to volunteer a story by the way of justification.  So in their own way they accepted and continued loving the child.

Here is a bit of entertainment from personal experience.  Maybe you have more like it to share?  As a general rule I tend to pack light, washing as needed, avoiding packing soiled garments whenever possible.  On a slightly extended visit with my parents at their home, two or three years ago.  I carefully hand washed my panties, surreptitiously hanging them to dry on the line where Mom would put her handwashing.  Hanging them on the far end where I hoped they'd not be really noticed, but secretly wishing perhaps to generate a bit of curiosity as to why I was washing women's undies when my darling wife wasn't with me that trip.  My scheming including that since my older stepsister was visiting as well, there was the chance Mom would think the garment was hers and my sister would think perhaps they were Mom's, thus I was covered.  Or so went my thought process.  I wasn't so sneaky, later that afternoon Mom reminded me to not forget them when I packed to go home.  On another visit just a month or so later I had washed a days' worth of a load in the washing machine.  Including bra and panties in a lingerie bag on handwash cycle.  Mom got to the machine when the cycle finished before I did and processed the batch into the dryer or on the line as needed.  She took the time to somewhat privately, away from Dad's ears anyway, to remind me not to put my bras in the dryer as it would reduce their shape, structure, support and usable life.  She also complimented my style sense in choice of garments, noting I preferred matched sets in my intimates.  That was an intimate, private conversation, simple in nature, yet very, very affirming and comforting to me.  You see, she was a depression era child raised in Virginia at an orphanage and then taken in by her grandparents as a tween.  If anyone was to reject me I figured on it being her with her strict Edwardian upbringing.  But then again, they know me from childhood and really are observant.  As Californians and avid local channel television viewers, they are very exposed to the national dialog.  My Dad probably would be tolerant since that was his nature, but I'll never know since he passed away at 85 years old last year, I've come out as much as I likely to for the rest of my days.

Wow!  I think that is awesome.   She was apparently fully aware of your gender.  Your mother has a very gentle way of supporting you.  I love that.  I really can't imagine it. 

I am pretty sure that your dad had a clue also. 

Between my two parents, my dad is the more tolerant also. Although my father was a narcissist, he had a lot of good qualities.   

My mom was very adept at guilt and shaming.  Now, due to dementia, she has become incredibly sweet.  It is as if she doesn't remember anything negative that ever happened in the family, and she is loving to everyone.

My mom, sisters and wife all put their bras through the dryer.  When I reminded my wife that she shouldn't, she replied that these are her bras and I can dry mine however I want.  (But, not where anyone will notice). I don't know how often she replaces them, but she does keep them in good shape somehow.

D'Amalie, you apparently have not transitioned, but have incorporated clothing and styles you like into your daily wear.  Have you done any HRT?  Or, is the bra more for your emotional fulfillment?

I assume you are out to your wife, and that she is supportive? 

Scenes of a Trans marriage: Weekend Edition.

Forgot to share this little gem from Sunday afternoon -

When we got home from lunch, my wife had to enter the house through the lower level (I think she was checking on some laundry) and I was going to go in through the front door.  So she handed me her purse to take in for her.

HER: Here, you can take this for me. You might as well start getting used to carrying one of these.
ME: (Laughing) Fine, no problem.
HER: You say that, but then YOU can start being the one carrying all the little crap for ME in YOUR purse.
ME: Well, that's not my fault. All these pants you've been buying me suddenly don't have pockets any more!
HER: (Laughing) I know. That's how the purse industry sucks you in.

END scene

Quote from: imallie on January 16, 2024, 09:06:06 PMScenes of a Trans marriage: Weekend Edition.

Forgot to share this little gem from Sunday afternoon -

When we got home from lunch, my wife had to enter the house through the lower level (I think she was checking on some laundry) and I was going to go in through the front door.  So she handed me her purse to take in for her.

HER: Here, you can take this for me. You might as well start getting used to carrying one of these.
ME: (Laughing) Fine, no problem.
HER: You say that, but then YOU can start being the one carrying all the little crap for ME in YOUR purse.
ME: Well, that's not my fault. All these pants you've been buying me suddenly don't have pockets any more!
HER: (Laughing) I know. That's how the purse industry sucks you in.

END scene

I just love this woman more and more every day.  I swear, the next time I see you I'm going to push you out of the way so that I can go hug your wife first!

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 17, 2024, 06:01:28 AMI just love this woman more and more every day.  I swear, the next time I see you I'm going to push you out of the way so that I can go hug your wife first!

~Sara

The only SLIGHT issue I have with this is that, since starting hormones, it seems I bruise a bit more easily. But otherwise, I'm very much accustomed to this sentiment. 😂😘

Quote from: TXSara on January 17, 2024, 06:01:28 AMI just love this woman more and more every day.  I swear, the next time I see you I'm going to push you out of the way so that I can go hug your wife first!

~Sara

Sara, you love Allie's wife and I'll love Allie. That way, those two will get their full due of love. However, reading about their social life, they, like you, Sara, are already deeply loved.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting my old boss for breakfast. We do this about once every 4-6 weeks. He's a pretty conservative guy. He's often called me "one of the only Democrats I actually like" (mostly as a joke 😉).  He's mostly distanced himself from the Republican Party in the last eight years, and is now an independent... but in most traditional ways, is conservative.  Meaning he'd be someone I think might struggle with my situation.

But he also will be the first person to see me in the new glasses (other than electrologist, endo, lab techs, etc — people who already know about me or don't know me at all).  So it's kind of a test balloon to see if he bumps on anything at all.

I've long been of the opinion that most people live in their own bubble and don't really notice other people. I'm taking that hypothesis out for a walk tomorrow morning.

Update to come...

I like my bubble. 
My bubble protects me.
I'm so grateful to live where I can live in my bubble  :angel:

I am sure that I am no judge of what "most people" think, but I think people notice, and sometimes (not most of the time) they care, but even if they do they probably won't mention it, because most people have the ability to edit themselves and refrain from being rude.  And. Most people know that most of those things they notice don't matter in the context of the friendship, so why mention them unless you are voicing approval?  Why insult a friend over something that doesn't matter? 

But, maybe most people actually are so self absorbed that they don't notice much.

Most people are very MUCH self-absorbed, Rachel. Plus, they see a) what they want to see, and b) what they EXPECT to see. It's only once you shatter the wall of expectation does actual "sight" come into play.  It's why the brain can read whole sentences where the words are scrambled except for the first and last letters, or vowels are removed... etc. Our brains seek out the patterns and familiar objects they expect to find.

End of New Age-y prattle. 😂

As for today's meeting... my old boss is VERY high on the self-absorption scale. Very nice guy, but one of the tricks I used to employ to either a) get him to to focus on a pressing item I needed resolved before briefing the press or b) get him OFF some tangential see-saw he'd boarded and focus on anything else... is I'd always know just what personal questions to ask him to get him talking about himself.

And that's usually what our breakfasts are all about. I'm just well-practiced at keeping a steady flow of conversation going between us, although it's largely focused on him. It's a weird dynamic, I admit. But I sense he doesn't have a lot of friends ... and it's an hour of time once a month, so I have no issue with it.

He IS however, someone who comments on appearance. To a fault. He once commented on the haircut of a female subordinate ... and she complained to HR and our entire department spent two full days in sensitivity training. "Nice haircut" was what he said, I believe. She was kind of nuts.

But anyway, when I sat down, I briefly noticed his eye going wide which I 100% took as him consciously or unconsciously bumping on the glasses... but it was fleeting, and within seconds I'd asked the first question about him and we were off to the races.

So perhaps he wasn't the great test I thought he would be. 😉

He noticed.  He just didn't care (at least not enough to comment).  And, your friendship means much more to him than the glasses. 

Yeah, my point is he noticed something was askew ... but then his brain puts the pieces back together again. Otherwise he couldn't help but keep staring or, knowing, him, at least say 'new glasses?"

There's no risk to friendship in saying "are those new glasses?"...  but in absolutely no way think it dawned on him in the slightest that I'm transitioning. That's what I meant.

It would take so many clues until someone was able to "see" things... and then it was all make sense as they rewrote a new truth.

Unlike my old manager, I see you shaved your arms! Still he was fine when I told him.

Quote from: davina61 on January 18, 2024, 05:14:58 PMUnlike my old manager, I see you shaved your arms! Still he was fine when I told him.

That's lovely that he was cool with it! It's not surprising he noticed though, as that's a reality-breaker!

Although in my old world (athletics) it really isn't. Swimmers do it all the time. So do body builders.

One of our athletic trainers one day was suddenly shaved head to toe, as he was doing a fitness competition - and I used to joke that he looked like a beached seal. 😂 (to his face, and with love - we were friends. It was not a Mean Girls: Athletics Edition kinda thing!)

Quote from: imallie on January 18, 2024, 02:58:32 PMMost people are very MUCH self-absorbed, Rachel. Plus, they see a) what they want to see, and b) what they EXPECT to see. It's only once you shatter the wall of expectation does actual "sight" come into play.  It's why the brain can read whole sentences where the words are scrambled except for the first and last letters, or vowels are removed... etc. Our brains seek out the patterns and familiar objects they expect to find.

I agree with this, but I would also add that context has a LOT to do with whether you get "clocked".  I remember that during my last 3-4 months before my FFS and subsequent social transition, I would go out in "girl mode" without ever feeling like I was a spectacle.  When I look at pictures of myself at that time, I know that I did not stand up to close scrutiny AT ALL.  Still, nobody seemed to notice or care.

Until...

On Halloween night, I went out with my friend Michelle to her favorite club in Plano.  That night I felt EVERY EYE in the place.  They totally knew and were staring.  Because it was Halloween, the context was completely different.  The idea of a male dressed as a female was not the low probability occurrence that it would have been on another night.  I had a horrible time.  I'll never forget that.

I do believe that your friend noticed something was different, Allie.  I doubt that he put all the pieces together, but he'll remember this on the day that he finally finds out.

~Sara

I had a cousin recall an incongruous moment with me more than 50 years later at a funeral.

She was about ten years older than me and made puppets. She had a box that held her puppetmaking parts and when she opened it, I saw many rhinestones, which I already collected as a kid.

She said, "Your eyes went wide when you saw my rhinestones and I let you pick one. Do you remember that?"

"Of course," I replied.

"And I thought to myself, 'This is a special boy.'"

My point is that some do notice incongruity, but might not declare it. It was such a small moment, but the mismatch mattered enough to her to remember it for more than 50 years. And I remembered it because I got to choose and keep a rhinestone, which went into my cigar box (boy cover) with my other rhinestones and doilies (girl core).

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 06:01:33 PMI agree with this, but I would also add that context has a LOT to do with whether you get "clocked".  I remember that during my last 3-4 months before my FFS and subsequent social transition, I would go out in "girl mode" without ever feeling like I was a spectacle.  When I look at pictures of myself at that time, I know that I did not stand up to close scrutiny AT ALL.  Still, nobody seemed to notice or care.

Until...

On Halloween night, I went out with my friend Michelle to her favorite club in Plano.  That night I felt EVERY EYE in the place.  They totally knew and were staring.  Because it was Halloween, the context was completely different.  The idea of a male dressed as a female was not the low probability occurrence that it would have been on another night.  I had a horrible time.  I'll never forget that.

I do believe that your friend noticed something was different, Allie.  I doubt that he put all the pieces together, but he'll remember this on the day that he finally finds out.

~Sara

Your story is exactly what I'm talking about Sara, makes total sense.

And, again, when I talk about "putting the pieces together" that's exactly it. Once I come out, he'll retroactively put the pieces together, including this.

I was telling someone the other day about what it's like to have a parent with dementia.

Because it's a progressive disease, and because those suffering from it at the start get a lot of time and practice covering it up, even people close to them don't notice anything. But once that veil is pierced... you suddenly retroactively go back and rewrite the story using past memories that all now realign with the new information.

It's pretty similar, I think.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 18, 2024, 06:32:08 PMI had a cousin recall an incongruous moment with me more than 50 years later at a funeral.

She was about ten years older than me and made puppets. She had a box that held her puppetmaking parts and when she opened it, I saw many rhinestones, which I already collected as a kid.

She said, "Your eyes went wide when you saw my rhinestones and I let you pick one. Do you remember that?"

"Of course," I replied.

"And I thought to myself, 'This is a special boy.'"

My point is that some do notice incongruity, but might not declare it. It was such a small moment, but the mismatch mattered enough to her to remember it for more than 50 years. And I remembered it because I got to choose and keep a rhinestone, which went into my cigar box (boy cover) with my other rhinestones and doilies (girl core).

Yup, we're talking about the same thing, O&C. All I'm saying is that those people notice a fragment... and because there's no narrative in which to integrate it, it's like an outlier on a data graph. People plot the graph of the narrative and because this one piece of data doesn't follow the nice line they've plotted, although they know it's valid data, they dismiss it.

Only later when there's a new line which bisects it, do they integrate it.

I wonder if you had never come out, would your cousin had ever thought about that old memory... or did the new narrative of your life allow her to look back for formerly "incongruent" story fragments and now see how they actually fit.

By the way, weird how memories work. Just bringing up plotting things on a graph makes me of mind of an old math teacher of mine. Quirky guy, but an excellent teacher. Always found interesting ways to get lessons across.

For example, the calculation for determining the length of the longest side of right triangle, its c = the square root of a2 + b2. Most of us remember that. But the way he taught us to remember what that was called, was he said to imagine you were in an airplane, and the bathroom was occupied.

I mean, that's literally what I think about anytime I see a right triangle anywhere in the world.

😂

QuoteI wonder if you had never come out, would your cousin had ever thought about that old memory... or did the new narrative of your life allow her to look back for formerly "incongruent" story fragments and now see how they actually fit.

She pinged me as different, like a sonar bouncing off an object in the water, but the person looking at the sonar screen being unsure of what's out there. Something, but what?

Quoteut once that veil is pierced... you suddenly retroactively go back and rewrite the story using past memories that all now realign with the new information.

You have a beautiful mind, Allie. So many people live decades and never once write a sentence as clear and illuminating as the one above.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 18, 2024, 08:03:09 PMShe pinged me as different, like a sonar bouncing off an object in the water, but the person looking at the sonar screen being unsure of what's out there. Something, but what?

That's a perfect way to describe it.

Well, I didn't mean to imply that I thought he would immediately assume you were trans just because you were wearing what looked like women's eyeglasses.  I meant he would notice that the glasses looked like something a woman would wear. 

I have a business who got himself some reading glasses that look like something a woman would wear and a neck chain that also looks feminine.  I am trans and I didn't make that leap to assume he is too based on just that.  I took it that he either has peculiar taste, or he borrowed his wife's readers.  He's been wearing them now for a couple of years, so they are his.  I chalk it up as eccentric.

As someone pointed out, Larry David pretty much did the same, and it wasn't because he is trans.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 18, 2024, 11:04:26 PMAs someone pointed out, Larry David pretty much did the same, and it wasn't because he is trans.

There's absolutely no way those Larry David glasses are not part of a trans joke/storyline in one episode. It won't be something brutal or offensive... but it'll 100% be referenced. Or at least I'd be shocked if it weren't.  Can't wait for the new season.

Typing this with a newly naked ring finger on my left hand... for the first time in more 31 years.

I NEVER take my wedding band off, but since it's been increasingly falling off... sometimes under tables in restaurants, once on the beach, etc... and my wife has continually been correctly saying that I need to get it resized before I lose it, I took the leap.

I went to a small local jewelry shop in town. The owner, Henri, was a warm, career jeweler who very obviously loved engaging with his customers as much as he loved his chosen profession. I spoke to him for about 15 minutes. If I didn't pull myself away I would have spent all day there.

He asked if this was really my ring. My ring was a size 10... and he's resizing it to a 7 1/2.

He said it'll be done in a few hours, but since I'm unable to drive at that point, I'll likely have to be ring-less until tomorrow morning.

It really is an odd sensation!

QuoteHe asked if this was really my ring. My ring was a size 10... and he's resizing it to a 7 1/2.

That's stunning weight loss. I'm so proud of you.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 19, 2024, 11:05:32 AMThat's stunning weight loss. I'm so proud of you.

Thanks. As a non-wearer of rings (other than this one) I have no concept of ring sizes. So when he told me that I think he meant it as some shocking reveal... and I tried really hard to play along. "Oh... uh... wow!" 😂.

I'm not waiting for a call from Emmy, Oscar, Tony, BAFTA, or Golden Globes people any time soon to reward me for that particular performance.  I do feel like there's a glimmer of hope for a People's Choice award, but then they give those to ANYBODY.

By the way, since I still had like 30 minutes of energy left in the tank as I was making my lunch, I'd had a bee in this particular bonnet for weeks, and finally decided to try to make this cheesecake with cottage cheese idea that's been bouncing around in my head.

I don't think I've made a regular cheesecake in 10 years ... so I literally was basing this recipe off of ... nothing. I just had this idea, through a bunch of things together (and added a graham cracker crust because, sure, calories, but also, life needs to be worth living)... and its now in the oven.

Was going to make a mixed berry compote to top it, but I very much need to see if the result is beautiful princess, ugly beast, or some weird amalgamation of the two.

Saying it "looks" like a cheesecake is an incredibly low bar to cross, but at least it has crossed it, thus far...

FYI, if there are any cheesecake mavens out there, and they want to lay odds on the success or failure, here's what I did:

2 c of low-fat cottage cheese
1 c fat-free plain greek yogurt
1 pkg jello cheesecake mix
1 scoop Vanilla Creme Whey protein powder
2 large eggs
2 fingers crossed 😉

I wait in anticipation (front room really) to see the outcome , TBH I expect nothing but perfection.
 Made a frittata for lunch, air fried some potato and cauliflower first, fried some bacon cut up then chucked it all in a silicon basket with one egg (all I had) beaten with milk and topped with cheese. I gave it 8 out of 10.

Quote from: imallie on January 19, 2024, 12:17:00 PMI'm not waiting for a call from Emmy, Oscar, Tony, BAFTA, or Golden Globes people any time soon to reward me for that particular performance.  I do feel like there's a glimmer of hope for a People's Choice award, but then they give those to ANYBODY.

I think you may be a pretty good replacement for BattleGoddess as resident comedian... too funny!

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 19, 2024, 01:37:37 PMI think you may be a pretty good replacement for BattleGoddess as resident comedian... too funny!

~Sara

High and not-at-all earned praise, Sara. But very kind and much appreciated. ❤️

Quote from: davina61 on January 19, 2024, 01:14:20 PMI wait in anticipation (front room really) to see the outcome , TBH I expect nothing but perfection.
 Made a frittata for lunch, air fried some potato and cauliflower first, fried some bacon cut up then chucked it all in a silicon basket with one egg (all I had) beaten with milk and topped with cheese. I gave it 8 out of 10.

Well you have way more faith than I do! It rose somehow ... which was quite disconcerting, but in the cooling has since deflated and looks more like a proper cheesecake. Albeit one of those with the golden band around it, rather than the smooth top.
So it still has the "look" I'll give it that. But have to chill it for a least four hours and the we'll see. I'm a bit more optimistic.
Your lunch sounds nice! Big frittata fan (I have all their albums😉)

I have absolutely found the method to crispy air fryer potatoes! It's a bit time consuming and science-y, but it's now what I do every single time. 

Well the cheesecake was a decidedly mixed bag.

I very much liked it. My wife very much did not. Actually, as she said she "liked everything about it except for the texture and how it tasted." 😂

(https://i.imgur.com/bqcnLuu.jpg)

I think it might read a bit custard-like? It's firm like a cheesecake, but it may have been a big eggier than she likes? I'm trying to figure it out. It could have used a stronger taste, I suppose... but I thought with the sharpness of the compote it's nice.

Even so, she's my audience... so I'll have to think hard as to what ver 2.0 will be.

It looks great. Maybe you should have called it something else? Most people know what 'cheesecake' tastes like, so that sets up a certain expectation. No matter how good it may be, if it doesn't taste like it's namesake, some people won't like it.

When I was in college, my mom used to give me a bag of snacks on a regular basis. It always contained a large bag of M&M's. One day, I opened my big bag of M&M's and tossed a handful into my mouth. They weren't M&M's, they were Skittles, which I had never previously tried. It was hideous. When your mouth expects chocolate and is assaulted by whatever Skittles are, it's a traumatic experience. That was the first and last time I ever tasted a Skittle. If I had known it wasn't going to be chocolate, I may have enjoyed it.

It's like meeting someone new. If you say 'hey Bob, I'd like to introduce you to Sally tomorrow.' Bob will instantly make some conclusions about Sally before the introduction occurs, Bob may even try to create a mental picture of the mythical 'Sally'. Maybe Bob knew someone named Sally years ago, and she was a beautiful woman who Bob had really wanted to date. Maybe it's the same Sally. Maybe this time Bob will have the courage to ask Sally out. Now when you perform the introduction, and 'Sally' is a nickname for a 350lb male wrestler named Salvadore, Bob's expectations are shattered.

In a way, it's like someone who transitions. Although the majority of my components are the same as they were before, in many ways I'm not the same person I used to be. If I introduced myself as <deadname>, many people would be confused. New person, new name.

Now that you know what it tastes like, give it a new name. I bet it will suddenly become more palatable.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Ooh, Skittles when expecting M&Ms - talk about getting slapped in the face by a rainbow! Yeah I hear you Jessica Rose, expectation/anticipation is 100% part of how we initially receive and interpret data, especially initially.

It definitely happens with food. Someone eating Mexican chocolate for the first time will experience it quite differently if told in advance that it contains chili and is spicy. If anticipating that, you can enjoy the warm notes and the tingle on the back end. But if you just think it's regular chocolate it could be incredibly off-putting.

I don't think that's the case with my cheesecake, though. I do think it ticks most boxes of a cheesecake. It helps that someone would visibly read it as such, and I do think the flavor notes are right. My wife just didn't think it had enough flavor and she didn't like the texture. It just might be that I need to replace the greek yogurt with some cream cheese, or reduce it by an egg, or add some vanilla... not sure.

But if I determine this was Skittles vs. M&M's I'll just have to consider it a failed experiment. I've had PLENTY of those in the kitchen over the last few years... and I'll have plenty more. That's part of the process. I got to Pina Colada muffin Ver. 8.0 before I finally called it a failure. 😂

QuoteWhen I was in college, my mom used to give me a bag of snacks on a regular basis. It always contained a large bag of M&M's. One day, I opened my big bag of M&M's and tossed a handful into my mouth. They weren't M&M's, they were Skittles, which I had never previously tried. It was hideous. When your mouth expects chocolate and is assaulted by whatever Skittles are, it's a traumatic experience. That was the first and last time I ever tasted a Skittle. If I had known it wasn't going to be chocolate, I may have enjoyed it.

It's like meeting someone new. If you say 'hey Bob, I'd like to introduce you to Sally tomorrow.' Bob will instantly make some conclusions about Sally before the introduction occurs, Bob may even try to create a mental picture of the mythical 'Sally'. Maybe Bob knew someone named Sally years ago, and she was a beautiful woman who Bob had really wanted to date. Maybe it's the same Sally. Maybe this time Bob will have the courage to ask Sally out. Now when you perform the introduction, and 'Sally' is a nickname for a 350lb male wrestler named Salvadore, Bob's expectations are shattered.

^Good writing^

QuoteOoh, Skittles when expecting M&Ms - talk about getting slapped in the face by a rainbow!

^Funny!^

Quote...she didn't like the texture.

Mine kind of girl. Texture matters.

QuoteI'll just have to consider it a failed experiment. I've had PLENTY of those in the kitchen over the last few years

Me too. My desktop is littered with writing that went nowhere. So many stories I couldn't finish. So many ideas I couldn't execute. Still, I managed to finish a couple recently and I'm about to submit them. Here's hoping I nailed their texture and taste! One doesn't know until the editors take them into their mouths.

My wife and I had a few interesting conversations thus far this weekend.

We've been discussing potential vacation destinations for this summer, and while we're likely to do some fun/interesting domestic travel, I have been proposing some international trips... despite the fact that the following year she has a six-week sabbatical and we'd likely do something longer then.

Over dinner on Friday she kind of bumped on my sudden international interest, and I'm not sure if it was something I was doing consciously or subconsciously, but when she asked I realized why I was doing it, so I shared: I feel this overwhelming guilt that my upcoming public transition is going to greatly impede our travel, especially internationally... and it's really bothering me. So I guess I was hoping to at least get a short trip in under the wire.

I go back and forth between thinking that maybe she's put some of this to the side in her mind... preferring not to deal with imaginary problems (which is 100% a healthy mental outlook) -- and thinking that she she is well aware of all of it.

Her response was that we have the rest of our life to travel (I think meaning that once I've transitioned fully and it will be safer for us to travel to more places), and meanwhile there are so many places we want to go, there will always be somewhere on our list for us to travel.

That certainly made me feel somewhat better, but the guilt, obviously remains.

----

Today we talked about telling the boy. She could tell I am getting anxious. 

We just scheduled a lunch with some dear friends in the middle of February out of state, and I said had we told the boy... that would likely be when we could tell that couple (who we only see a few times a year).

She said that we know he's going to come home when she does his taxes, or at least that's the plan... and that'll be the middle/end of February. She might be ready to do them a bit sooner, but with my birthday being towards the end of the month, she figures he's probably going to want to do it in one trip.

We've been trying to avoid telling him on a "holiday", but I said that my birthday doesn't count - plus, how can he get mad at me on my birthday?

I was mostly kidding when I said that, but she immediately said "he's not going to be mad. He's going to be fine. He'll be shocked, I'm sure, and he's going to need some time to process it, but then he's going to be totally fine with it."

We sat there for a minute and I said, "You know you're a unicorn, right?"

And she smiled and laughed.

So my birthday it is. Or thereabouts. So either way, it'll be done in about a month.

Love,
Allie

Quote from: imallie on January 20, 2024, 11:48:50 PMI was mostly kidding when I said that, but she immediately said "he's not going to be mad. He's going to be fine. He'll be shocked, I'm sure, and he's going to need some time to process it, but then he's going to be totally fine with it."

We sat there for a minute and I said, "You know you're a unicorn, right?"

And she smiled and laughed.

So my birthday it is. Or thereabouts. So either way, it'll be done in about a month.

Yes she is, and yes you will.  I'm with her.  It's going to be fine.

~Sara

Quote from: imallie on January 20, 2024, 11:48:50 PM"he's not going to be mad. He's going to be fine. He'll be shocked, I'm sure, and he's going to need some time to process it, but then he's going to be totally fine with it."

Sara and O&C - yes, I know in my heart that my wife (as with most things) will be correct about this. That doesn't make it any less worrisome, but her having gone through it already and the two of them sharing so many qualities, does really help.

She is NOT, however, right about ALL things. For instance, just moments ago she tried to argue that ice was heavier than water. Incredulous, I countered that it was impossible, and that the state would not change the weight of the molecules ... all that changes is their speed of movement.

But then I realized we were BOTH wrong.

Ice is, in fact, LIGHTER than water. The extra hydrogen bonds formed when ice freezes actually spaces out the water molecules in ice - making it less dense. So it is lighter.

But I feel she was MORE wrong, which for me, is a win. 👍😉😘😂

QuoteWorrying is like paying a debt you don't owe

I'm a sneaky snake, huh?

Hey! support group logic calls it "Mae's Law" -- It is always worse in your head.

wishing you the best

Jenn

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 21, 2024, 10:33:50 AMI'm a sneaky snake, huh?

Quite.😉

But hey, just because I like the quote, just because I have shared the quote with others in the past, just because I use the quote in my profile... doesn't mean I have the slightest notion of how to apply the lesson therein to my everyday life. 🤔😂

Quote from: imallie on January 21, 2024, 12:15:19 PMBut hey, just because I like the quote, just because I have shared the quote with others in the past, just because I use the quote in my profile... doesn't mean I have the slightest notion of how to apply the lesson therein to my everyday life. 🤔😂

You and me too, sister. You and me too.

Quote from: imallie on January 21, 2024, 09:22:12 AMSara and O&C - yes, I know in my heart that my wife (as with most things) will be correct about this. That doesn't make it any less worrisome, but her having gone through it already and the two of them sharing so many qualities, does really help.

She is NOT, however, right about ALL things. For instance, just moments ago she tried to argue that ice was heavier than water. Incredulous, I countered that it was impossible, and that the state would not change the weight of the molecules ... all that changes is their speed of movement.

But then I realized we were BOTH wrong.

Ice is, in fact, LIGHTER than water. The extra hydrogen bonds formed when ice freezes actually spaces out the water molecules in ice - making it less dense. So it is lighter.

But I feel she was MORE wrong, which for me, is a win. 👍😉😘😂

I believe you were correct before.  I am sure that a given volume of is lighter than a given volume of water.  But, a cube of ice weighs the same thing in the form of ice as it will in liquid form. 

This would be a difficult experiment to pull off exactly, because of potential evaporation or condensation, depending on the moister content of the surrounding air. 

I have got it.  Take a plastic bad and fill it half full of water.  Seal it.  Weigh it.  Then freeze it and weigh it again.  I am willing to bet that regardless how sensitive the scales, it will weigh the same.  The ice will have a larger volume.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 23, 2024, 12:01:44 AMI have got it.  Take a plastic bad and fill it half full of water.  Seal it.  Weigh it.  Then freeze it and weigh it again.  I am willing to bet that regardless how sensitive the scales, it will weigh the same.  The ice will have a larger volume.

I think that's true in theory, but you're being too clever by half. If you just took two equal measurements of water - froze one and left one as liquid, they should remain the same weight.

That would proves what I meant, but not what I said - because really the discussion was comparing the same amounts of ice and water already in those states. And in that case the ice, being less dense (proven by the fact that it floats in the water) weighs less.

If you let the ice melt, you'd clearly have less water than the water against which you were measuring it.

I was just thinking... my middle school science teacher, who I can clearly picture, but for the life of me I can't recall his name, would be really proud of me right now. Which is nice, because at the time I don't recall him being particularly fond of me despite my acing his class. Something about a "total lack of interest." 🤔

Quote from: imallie on January 23, 2024, 12:33:42 AMI think that's true in theory, but you're being too clever by half. If you just took two equal measurements of water - froze one and left one as liquid, they should remain the same weight.

That would proves what I meant, but not what I said - because really the discussion was comparing the same amounts of ice and water already in those states. And in that case the ice, being less dense (proven by the fact that it floats in the water) weighs less.

If you let the ice melt, you'd clearly have less water than the water against which you were measuring it.

If its the same amount of water, just frozen or not, the displacement makes it float as ice.  Same mass, yet displacing differing amounts of what ever the surrounding medium is. I hope we're meant tio take this science project litterally?  If not I've put my foot in it  :P

Turning my attention away from ice... and everything else I've tried to distract myself wiht the last few days, I can definitely tell there's nothing left in my arm and it's time to make a call to the bullpen for some relief... i.e., a session with my therapist.

I feel good. Health is fine Oh, I gained 5-10 lbs over the holidays and with the thumb thing, lost a few and then this latest hormone boost seems to have come with an accompanying zombie-like craving for EVERYTHING... but I know I have the tools to get that under control.

Me and the wife are great. Better than ever, to be honest.

Yeah, I do have that anticipation/worry/impatience about telling our son... but that's been going on for months, so it's not that.

But what has been creeping back is the ... guilt. The people-pleasing, guilt. The phrase that begins every thought is "wouldn't it be easier..."

It's never "do you really want to fully transition?" "Do you really want people to know the real you?" It's none of those things. It's just this vague, wouldn't it be easier.  For everyone, I guess.

My nature is, and always has been to please. My jobs have never been anything other than public facing. Writing for a paper, broadcasting, producing broadcasts, sporting event management, etc... all about pleasing people.

So I keep thinking about little moments. Like a friend whose son just got engaged. They're going to get married next year. So I come out to them in the next few months, and now my situation becomes something they have to think about when it comes to their wedding. Are they uncomfortable? Do they say something don't say something, etc..

I think about our own son's wedding (he has to get a girlfriend first, but... you know)... that makes that whole event more complicated.

All things like that. I mean, TINY moments in a life. I know I spend way more time thinking about other people in my life than they spend thinking about me... I know it's always been that way. I called a friend last week, and was shocked he never called back. Texted him yesterday and he still hasn't replied. I'm sure he will in a day or so... he's really bad with this stuff.  But we've been dear friends for 40 years and I would NEVER do this to him. It's inconceivable.

I think the hormones, and being able to be myself with my wife have me feeling the most centered I ever have. This place, by the way, is a tremendous help too.  Less so since I came out to my wife (no offense!) but still a really important piece of all this to me. I think I realized that more when it was gone for a few days (or years, depending on how you view what happened).

And so I think, because I'm grounded... I have the luxury to think NOT about big things, and focus my concerns on this little moments. I don't know. I am not a perpetual worrier. It isn't that. I guess I'm really not sure how to explain it. In this regard I do feel back on my heels a bit. I hate ascribing everything to hormones.  But I really don't know.

And thus, the call to the bullpen.

Electrolysis tomorrow... and my wife is home on Friday (so that's a tougher time to do a zoom session, I prefer to do a "home alone" thing), so I may either try for Thursday, or more likely touch base tomorrow and set something up for early next week, to try to get my thoughts together a bit.

Appreciate any who read this far. Know what it feels like, can only imagine what it READS like.

Love,
Allie

Don't fret Imallie.  Everything's shiny.

Quote from: imallie on January 23, 2024, 03:49:15 PMBut what has been creeping back is the ... guilt. The people-pleasing, guilt. The phrase that begins every thought is "wouldn't it be easier..."

It's never "do you really want to fully transition?" "Do you really want people to know the real you?" It's none of those things. It's just this vague, wouldn't it be easier.  For everyone, I guess.

My nature is, and always has been to please. My jobs have never been anything other than public facing. Writing for a paper, broadcasting, producing broadcasts, sporting event management, etc... all about pleasing people.

So I keep thinking about little moments. Like a friend whose son just got engaged. They're going to get married next year. So I come out to them in the next few months, and now my situation becomes something they have to think about when it comes to their wedding. Are they uncomfortable? Do they say something don't say something, etc..

I think about our own son's wedding (he has to get a girlfriend first, but... you know)... that makes that whole event more complicated.

All things like that. I mean, TINY moments in a life. I know I spend way more time thinking about other people in my life than they spend thinking about me... I know it's always been that way.

We're cut from the same cloth, Allie.  The worry and guilt took a toll on me as well as I was beginning to tell people about my transition.  It was really hard thinking about how I might be ruining Thanksgiving or how I might be causing my friends to work around inviting me to things.  I hated it.  In the end, it all worked out.  Of course, I still feel guilty about how things worked out with my ex-wife, but outside of that (very important) relationship I have been pleasantly surprised.

I don't know your friends, but I know you.  I know that you invest in your relationships.  I know that you would be the type of person to choose good people to be around.  It's going to be fine.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 23, 2024, 04:35:57 PMWe're cut from the same cloth, Allie.  The worry and guilt took a toll on me as well as I was beginning to tell people about my transition.  It was really hard thinking about how I might be ruining Thanksgiving or how I might be causing my friends to work around inviting me to things.  I hated it.  In the end, it all worked out.  Of course, I still feel guilty about how things worked out with my ex-wife, but outside of that (very important) relationship I have been pleasantly surprised.

I don't know your friends, but I know you.  I know that you invest in your relationships.  I know that you would be the type of person to choose good people to be around.  It's going to be fine.

~Sara

Yes, thank you so much Sara.

Holidays, that's another thing. My young great nephews and nieces... will my nephews and nieces have issues with me being around their kids... you get the drill.  I HATE the idea of making anyone's life harder.

It's funny how completely separate from transition this issue is, and yet directly related to it.

Sublimation and evaporation controlled for, a given mass of whether will weigh the same.  A given volume of water will weigh more than the same volume of ice. 

It is completely counterintuitive (to me) to think that (which is so rigid I can stand on) is less dense than water.  But, I think the crystalline structure of the ice rather than density, gives it the rigidity.  Bizarre.  But, the concept, applied to graphene could make magical things possible.

Quote from: imallie on January 23, 2024, 05:03:12 PMHolidays, that's another thing. My young great nephews and nieces... will my nephews and nieces have issues with me being around their kids... you get the drill.  I HATE the idea of making anyone's life harder.

Allie,

I think most if not all of us have had the same thoughts. I know I did when I first came out to my niece and her family.

I happy that we here help keep you grounded

Ellen

Quote from: EllenW on January 23, 2024, 10:00:24 PMAllie,

I think most if not all of us have had the same thoughts. I know I did when I first came out to my niece and her family.

I happy that we here help keep you grounded

Ellen

Thanks Ellen.  Yeah, I think it's just a cycle I'm running through right now. Like "Spin" on the washing machine. Really looking forward to "Rinse" to get rid of these particular thoughts.  ;D

(Wow, you could really hear the branch creak on THAT analogy... apologies to one and all!)

It will all come out in the wash -----------------------------(I'm here all week folks)

Part of the following is VERY much related to the kind clarity that comes from an awful night (headache-wise), where my Apple Watch is generously saying I got 1 hr and 3 minutes of sleep.  But it's clarity non-the-less.

Last night, my wife and I were "arguing" about something... in that playful way you do, and and some point she faux angrily said "listen, mister..."  something she'd probably said to me a thousand times over the 40+ years we've known each other.

Even so, after a beat, I said "hey!" And she said "oh sorry!" And I replied that it really didn't bother me at all, but I was losing the argument and I needed something to throw her off track.

The truth was, later that evening I thought about it...and it had bothered me, but really only a little. And that was that.

Then this morning, during my weekly time on the table, my electrologist was telling me a story, and she said "Oh, I was talking about you to another client. I told her I have this client and SHE ... " everything she said after that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher.  You know Bwah wah WAH. Wah Bwah Wah.  Like that.

It wasn't forced, or strained, or something she was doing for show... it really was organic. Either that or Meryl Streep, watch out. But the thing was, THAT really did impact me.

And what it made me realize is, in my mind... I think I kind of live in transition right now. It's not that I don't know that I've always been female and my outside doesn't match my inside (the story I've alway told myself), but somehow the very inner definition I have for myself — right now — is kind of in transition.

It's why I bumped on what my wife said, and also why what my electrologist said felt good. It felt right, and affirming in all the best ways... which makes me think where I am isn't really at some 50/50 place... but maybe more than halfway there (in my mind)... like 60/40.

It was a weird little window into my own self-image, that I hadn't seen before. A bit of self-reflection I suppose I hadn't noticed. I think it's a positive... I suppose if I'm honest it would be easier if I was 100/0 instead of 60/40 but that's not how things work. Minds are muscles. They take time and work to retrain and change.

Also, sleep is really necessary. Here's hoping I get some tonight. LOL

Love,
Allie

Hi Allie --

Yeah, you're totally in that weird stage where you'll get a lot of each.  I tried really hard to present male to the world for as long as I could, so I expected to be given the "sir" and "mister" treatment.  Even so, I relished those moments where I was correctly gendered.  Enjoy it!

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 24, 2024, 06:47:26 PMHi Allie --

Yeah, you're totally in that weird stage where you'll get a lot of each.  I tried really hard to present male to the world for as long as I could, so I expected to be given the "sir" and "mister" treatment.  Even so, I relished those moments where I was correctly gendered.  Enjoy it!

~Sara

I guess that makes sense, Sara. It's just all hitting a bit different now as things start aligning internally. I think when I get the first organic female gendering solely based on appearance - or even hesitation, I suppose, it will really register.

My therapist, months ago, had suggested that my wife and I go away on vacation so I could present 100% female in public and get used to that. And while I see the merit in that for many people I'm secure in saying that's not going to be my course.

I just think things will continue on this gradual path naturally until there's a tipping point. Although admittedly when I do something hair-wise that will be the biggest acceleration. 

I think that works for me, for us. At least as of today. Plans change.

Quote from: imallie on January 24, 2024, 03:47:03 PMThen this morning, during my weekly time on the table, my electrologist was telling me a story, and she said "Oh, I was talking about you to another client. I told her I have this client and SHE ... " everything she said after that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher.  You know Bwah wah WAH. Wah Bwah Wah.  Like that.

Allie,

Yeah, I remember that felling. In fact, even after transitioning over 5 years ago, it sometimes it still makes me be on cloud 9 when someone uses the female pronouns.

Enjoy it you have earned it.

Ellen

Quote from: EllenW on January 24, 2024, 07:01:51 PMAllie,

Yeah, I remember that felling. In fact, even after transitioning over 5 years ago, it sometimes it still makes me be on cloud 9 when someone uses the female pronouns.

Enjoy it you have earned it.

Ellen

Thanks Ellen. I'm not sure I have yet... or maybe that one just caught me so off guard. But I completely understand what you mean and I know for a fact that I will, when I do.

Good day here.

We spent a completely fruitless hour standing around in a Lowe's home center...  with zero results.

Our hot water heater is having issues (beeping), and a call to the manufacturer revealed that the heating elements need to be replaced. The company will pay for the parts, but not the labor... but said we needed to pick them up and then get an authorized plumber to come install.  But they were unable to identify the parts.

The manual (which of course my wife has kept - she's good like that) was no help either.

I looked online, and compared a few things... and with my LESS THAN ZERO knowledge of anything plumbing, identified the upper and lower element part numbers I thought we needed from a list of like 25 different ones.  She rolled her eyes (rightly) and we set off the Lowe's.

The first "expert" to help us said his actual expertise was in Solar. So he was zero help. But he could get us the plumbing guy.

The plumbing guy eventually showed up and said he couldn't help us even though we had the model number of our hot water heater, but we could if only we had the ITEM # of the heater.  But maybe a manager could, so he'd go get a manager.

He returned like 15 minutes later, saying he couldn't find a manager. In that time, I managed to just find the item # on their website.  So, we gave him exactly the info he wanted... and he proceeded to look up the heater on their website. And shockingly, the part numbers weren't there.

And this point, my wife was trying very hard not to lose her cool, and very nicely said "don't you think we looked at that already?" and he nodded.

Now... 45 minutes had passed, and this entire time I had held in my hands the parts that I believed were the correct ones we needed.

And with no help on the horizon, and our favorite Pho restaurant about to open (and it fills up right at opening if you're not there!) she begrudgingly agreed to buy the parts I had picked and call back later in the day when the supposed plumbing "manager" was on duty.

After a delicious Pho lunch, we got home, and I overheard only my wife's side of the call:

"Uh huh."
"No, no, that's great that we bought the right ones. It's just... my husband is going to insufferable about this."

 ;D

You wouldn't THINK you could work the phrase "Plumbing acumen" into EVERY conversation in the course of an afternoon and evening? But you absolutely 100% CAN!

As I said. A good day.  ;D

Love, the plumbing expert,
Allie

Can you come fix my blocked drain?

Quote from: davina61 on January 28, 2024, 04:04:07 AMCan you come fix my blocked drain?

Oooh, uh... what exactly is this "drain" thingy you're speaking of?

As mentioned, I know absolutely nothing about plumbing. But I am an expert, now.

Quite the conundrum 😂

Product endorsement time (I don't have a sponsorship lined up, but 🤞)

I've long been in search for the perfect solution for removing that pesky back hair... as many of us have, I'm sure.

After countless hours pouring over reviews, and testing a few products, I settled on the Bakblade... and felt it was the "best" I could do.

But after several months, I realized it was... insufficient. Sure, it's good for the initial mass clearing, but for maintenance it's really not very efficient.

However - there IS a solution. The perfect way to clear back hair? Try using "Another person"!

Yes, "Another person" solves all your back-hair removal needs. They can see things right in front of them. Use whatever razor you have on hand, and get rid of everything, pretty easily.

And as a bonus, if you are related to this "Another Person" if you order in the next 30 minutes it is ABSOLUTE FREE (just pay shipping and handling and/or do something nice for them in return).

So, if available, I highly recommend - "ANOTHER PERSON"
(Available where all fine human beings are... I don't know... hatched? My parents never had that talk with me..)

Too funny, Allie!  She's a keeper for sure!!

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 11:14:07 AMToo funny, Allie!  She's a keeper for sure!!

~Sara

Yeah, I still hit upon those areas of discussion where I ask myself "is this too weird?" And this kinda felt like one of them, and I honestly don't recall how it came up the other day, but it was pretty organic and she just suggested it in a way of saying "I'm not sure why you kept trying to make this more difficult than it needed to be?"

She also said this morning when she finished, that I probably should start doing my armpits. I don't honestly know why I wasn't (maybe it was subconsciously on the "is this too weird?" List?) but that's now on the list for tomorrow.

Just be careful with the deodorant after!!! ouch ouch Don't know how I know that---------

Quote from: imallie on January 24, 2024, 06:59:34 PMI just think things will continue on this gradual path naturally until there's a tipping point.

I walked the fence rail between male and female longer that I'd have liked and longer than it felt safe. When I was still presenting as male, I attended a conference with some colleagues. One of them was privy to my journey.

So, I told her, talking about our non-colleagues at the conference, "They see me as female."

"Nuh-uh," she said.

"Listen. You'll hear."

So, she did actually listen and she did hear and she came up to me astonished and said, "You're right, they do!"

She couldn't see it, so she was amazed that others could. I think it'll be similar for you, Allie.

Did you have similar moments, Sara, Davina, Ellen, and others?

If I didn't already take you at your word O&C, I'd also very much trust the experience of those who have come before so I very much believe you.

The only caveat in my situation is the hair of it all: until I address THAT I don't imagine any misgendering will occur.  But it's something that's very high on my list once we start spreading the word.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 28, 2024, 03:59:15 PMI walked the fence rail between male and female longer that I'd have liked and longer than it felt safe. When I was still presenting as male, I attended a conference with some colleagues. One of them was privy to my journey.

So, I told her, talking about our non-colleagues at the conference, "They see me as female."

"Nuh-uh," she said.

"Listen. You'll hear."

So, she did actually listen and she did hear and she came up to me astonished and said, "You're right, they do!"

She couldn't see it, so she was amazed that others could. I think it'll be similar for you, Allie.

Did you have similar moments, Sara, Davina, Ellen, and others?

O&C

I walked the fence as well for a very long time as my late wife came to terms about my GD. There were times when I was still living as a male, when I was either Mam'd or the two of us were greeted as Ladies. I think the tipping point was having my ears pierced and wearing nail polish.

Ellen

Just a quick aside, with the snowfall here today scuttling our Sunday plans, we took the opportunity to (finally) watch "Killers of the Flower Moon."  It's been hard to find a 3:30 window!

It was excellent, but both me and the wife felt it did not need to be that long. It wasn't one of those "where did the time go?" films. You noticed it was LONG. Still, very good and worthwhile if/when you find a three and 1/2 hour time gap in your schedule.

That concludes a pretty busy movie month for us:

The Holdovers (in theaters/but streaming soon) - HIGHLY recommended

Iron Claw (in theaters/but streaming soon) - Excellent

Maestro (Netflix) - fine. A bit disappointing, to be honest.

Aftersun (Prime) - ditto

May/December (Netflix) - ditto

American Symphony (Netflix) - Excellent. Some folks don't enjoy documentaries and/or music... so I wouldn't make this a universal endorsement. But I personal love process stories of people at the top of their field, and when you add in human interpersonal drama...and music. I am there. My wife as well.

Nyad (Netflix) - fantastic. Two Oscar nominated performances, but not the film... but it's something. Whether you know the story at all or not.

Rustin (Netflix) - One Oscar nominated performance... otherwise the rest of the above is exactly the same, LOL

We also watched the series - Beef (Netflix) and really enjoyed it. It has won a bunch of Emmy's, but we honestly thought every time they were talking about it, people were mispronouncing "the Bear" (which we love). And then when we found out they weren't, we assumed the show was about MEAT. It is not. So... going in blind, we really enjoyed it.
It is a dark-comedy, at best. Definitely not for everyone. Watch the trailer, if that appeals, you'll enjoy it. It is not misleading.

I think that was our month. Just thought I'd share. People are often looking for things to watch.

Love,
Allie

I want to watch Curse of Oak Island that had been showing on Blaze on "normal" TV but the last series was only on Sky Discovery as far as I could tell and I cant afford £30 a month just to watch that. Internet is poor here at the moment anyway, will be lucky if this posts!

Quote from: davina61 on January 29, 2024, 04:48:49 AMI want to watch Curse of Oak Island that had been showing on Blaze on "normal" TV but the last series was only on Sky Discovery as far as I could tell and I cant afford £30 a month just to watch that. Internet is poor here at the moment anyway, will be lucky if this posts!

Wow, spotty internet - that's awful in this day and age. It's when the little things stop working, the basic, everyday things we take for granted, that things normally are most annoying.

Is there any hope of a solution in the future?

Where I live the mobile signal is rubbish as well, some areas (and my mums bungalow) have no signal at all. Rang the internet providers, its working better now.

When I traveled in Europe I was shocked by the lack of cellular internet (and cellular coverage generally).  We are spoiled in the U.S..

There was plans for a repeater station but the locals had the "we will all die from brain tumours" mentality, now they all complain about the lack of signal!!

Quote from: davina61 on January 30, 2024, 04:22:40 AMThere was plans for a repeater station but the locals had the "we will all die from brain tumours" mentality, now they all complain about the lack of signal!!

Wow, sounds like some of them probably don't need to worry about being so precious with their brain tissue - it does NOT seem to be serving them very well to begin with. 😉

We are experiencing colony collapse in Bee's, and it is my understanding that the problem was identified as being caused by cell phone towers.  The mainstream media hasn't published this, so either they aren't excited about it or it isn't good science.  Hard to say which is the case. 

An NIH study seems to suggest that the science demonstrates at least a theory that this is what is happening.  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6563664/ The study doesn't seem definitive on the issue.  https://www.thestatesman.com/lifestyle/cell-phones-play-key-role-decline-bees-1503035017.html

Maybe we don't need cell phones after all.  Or, maybe this is hype and the bees are fine.  By the time we find out, it may be a bit late.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 28, 2024, 03:59:15 PMSo, I told her, talking about our non-colleagues at the conference, "They see me as female."...

...Did you have similar moments, Sara, Davina, Ellen, and others?

People in the trans community often speak of this as a difficult or uncomfortable time, but I welcome it. I don't feel my face will ever allow me to be read as female, but maybe between HRT-induced changes and my soon-to-be full head of hair, it will happen. In the meantime, it's something I dream of.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 30, 2024, 11:06:24 AMMaybe we don't need fossil fuels after all.  Or, maybe this is hype and the climate is fine.  By the time we find out, it may be a bit late.

I edited your quote in order to match my thoughts.

Well when I was on holiday with my mum a few years ago we sat at a table with 2 other ladies from our group and they didnt twig me.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 30, 2024, 11:24:16 AMI edited your quote in order to match my thoughts.

Yeah.  I see.

Obviously, I care about the environment.  Obviously, I recognize that things we do can be very detrimental.  I think we simply assess the risks differently.

I think the biggest environmental problems are the man made chemicals that are now EVERYWHERE and the man made substances that effect our biological systems.  We don't know what effects they will have on the environment.  In all honesty, I wonder whether they played a role in all of us being transgender. 

The oceans are dying.  Over fishing and our downstream chemicals are killing it. 

But, at present we are hooked on some of it like an opioid addict.  We can't quit fossil fuels even if it is killing us, because without them billions of people would die. 

Electric cars as an alternative are a pipe dream.  We can't presently make enough electricity to power them, and they don't handle cold weather.  Danielle would be stuck at home 6 months out of the year without internal combustion engines.  Maybe she get a sled team?

People probably won't give up their cell phones.  But, that would be easier than giving up internal combustion engines.  We may be painting ourselves into a corner in all of these ways.  I don't know.  But, given the ability of people to discount future costs, nothing dramatic is about to happen. 

But, I get what you are saying, and I concede that you may be right.  Assuming so, what course do you recommend?

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 30, 2024, 12:38:37 PMElectric cars as an alternative are a pipe dream.  We can't presently make enough electricity to power them, and they don't handle cold weather.  Danielle would be stuck at home 6 months out of the year without internal combustion engines.  Maybe she get a sled team?

That's incorrect. In 2022, Norway, Iceland, Sweden, Denmark and Finland were the top-five users of electric cars. It get cold in those places. Maybe we won't see as many electric cars in Alaska as in other places, but that doesn't make adoption of electric cars a "pipe dream." Also, it's not an either/or equation, which is a good thing.

Quote from: davina61 on January 30, 2024, 12:07:23 PMWell when I was on holiday with my mum a few years ago we sat at a table with 2 other ladies from our group and they didnt twig me.

Well done, You!  I do so like a "pass."

A British company have found a way to make "petrol" out of ethanol without any ethanol side effects, they take the ethanol out somehow . At the moment its only available as a race fuel but it could be the future .

The problem with electric vehicles isn't the vehicles, it's the infrastructure.

Want to know why it's difficult to get food/medicine distributed in third world nations? It's not (primarily)cost, nor government greed, it's infrastructure - there aren't enough roads to get things where they need to go.

I have no idea if it's electric that is the future of the automotive industry, or what alternative power source will replace our fossil fuel dependency, but whatever it is, it will not be feasible right up until the moment it is, just like all things.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 30, 2024, 02:27:49 PMThat's incorrect. In 2022, Norway, Iceland, Sweden, Denmark and Finland were the top-five users of electric cars. It get cold in those places. Maybe we won't see as many electric cars in Alaska as in other places, but that doesn't make adoption of electric cars a "pipe dream." Also, it's not an either/or equation, which is a good thing.

So, you are going to ignore the fact that we can't make enough electricity to charge them all?  LOL
https://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/electric-vehicle-owners-face-huge-challenges-amid-chicago-cold-snap/3328085/

Quote from: davina61 on January 30, 2024, 05:02:38 PMA British company have found a way to make "petrol" out of ethanol without any ethanol side effects, they take the ethanol out somehow . At the moment its only available as a race fuel but it could be the future .

Then the problem becomes that ethanol takes a LOT of energy to make.

AS the UK saying goes "you don't get out for nowt" or to be scientific it takes more power to charge a battery then you get out of it. At the moment we do not have any technology to make more power out of less. 

A friend of mine who just put a large solar farm on his property said the solar to electric makes use of the land just as growing corn for ethanol and about the same output. I prefer to see corn but not sure which impacts the environment more. On another note, I have always felt Hydrogen is a better fuel source as it pollutes 0. Much needs to be done on alternative fuels, that's a given. I believe we all need to get off the fossil merry-go-round.

My takeaways from the passage below from REM's link:

"While some cars fared better than others in tests, including the Tesla Model S, which lost approximately 4% of its range when the temperature dropped below 32 degrees, others struggled. Recurrent, a research firm, found the Chevy Bolt lost approximately one-third of its range when the mercury dipped below freezing. The BMWi3 also lost range, as did the Hyundai Kona in tests.

That range loss is why Olsen says having an in-home charger is so critical, and if you're away from home, to know where express chargers are.

"Plan ahead," he said. "Make sure you know where your level two and three chargers are so you can get there."

A. The technology exists to maintain 96% of the range in the winter.

B. Home chargers are critical.

C. As is planning ahead.

D. More charging stations are needed.

Big oil has carefully curated the narrative that "electric isn't working perfectly, so there's no point in talking about it." The message is delivered by the same media organizations that are happy to report that "women want to have abortions in their 9th month", "parents are grooming their children to be trans" and "people pretend to be trans so they can go into a different bathroom."

Quote from: Courtney G on January 31, 2024, 09:21:15 AMBig oil has carefully curated the narrative that "electric isn't working perfectly, so there's no point in talking about it." The message is delivered by the same media organizations that are happy to report that "women want to have abortions in their 9th month", "parents are grooming their children to be trans" and "people pretend to be trans so they can go into a different bathroom."

Amen.

Everything you say needs to be repeated as often as possible whenever anything you have referred to is called into question.

Jenn

Home charging in the UK is extremely difficult. Most houses don't have a driveway, and you are having a lucky day if you manage to get the parking space in front of your house. Even if you do, you're now stringing a heavy cable/trip hazard across a public pavement (sidewalk for my American friends).

Also, for my US friends, you might find this interesting, and surprising.

https://www.rac.co.uk/drive/advice/legal/parking-on-someone-elses-driveway/

Hugs, Devlyn

Not to, you know, make this all about ME... but..since it's my blog I shouldn't feel bad changing the topic to myself... and yet oddly, I do.  But, there you go.

As my wife suggested over the weekend, this morning I finally took the leap and shaved my armpits.

I get that this should be another of those seminal moments in the journey: affirming, and memorable.

But I have notes:

 I think as a trans woman who grew up in and around baseball, I am uniquely qualified to make this point. It has been said that throwing a baseball is one of the most unnatural things you can do to your arm.

That is true.

But the people who said that, have never, I am certain, tried to manipulate their arms through the freak show-level flexibility gauntlet required to shave your own armpits. The word "akimbo" has never resonated so strongly with me.

And so while they say tragedy + time = comedy? I think the corollary is that awkwardness+time = affirmation.  So, while I do think I will at some point look back at this as a significant moment... I very much know I need to put some miles on these tires before that is true. And some ice on these shoulders.  No arms, really, should have to bend and move like that.

But the deed is (poorly) done. I believe going in for a clean up tomorrow will be a lot easier... but I literally had to stop before I started laughing or crying in the shower this morning. Neither of those, when you are alone, is a particular sign of mental health.

Love,
Allie

How the H are you doing it?? Just lift the arm being shaved and reach across your chest with the other arm and shave down hill. Easy peasy

Agreed.  Shaving armpits is easily done, if two arms are available to do the job  :laugh:  :eusa_dance: .  Left does right and right does left. If you must, just use the basin and mirror to see what you are doing.  I do mine blindly and after a while, no hair to speak of.  Possibly attributable to HRT.

Quote from: davina61 on January 31, 2024, 02:35:37 PMHow the H are you doing it?? Just lift the arm being shaved and reach across your chest with the other arm and shave down hill. Easy peasy

But what about standing on one leg... only doing it in total darkness? Hmmm... I'm starting to this this >-bleeped-< post someone linked me to had outdated info...

No, I WAS reaching across, but I was trying to use the body hair razor and it's kind of bulky... and to get in into their took manipulations from above and below. If I just used my face razor it would have been easier, but I assumed less gentle.

I will take another whack at it (so to speak) tomorrow.

I think a facial razor or an overpriced women's razor is actually more accurate for armpit shaving than the big blades of a bakblade. And easier to handle as well as a side benefit.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

I have 2 handles for my face blades, after 3 days of face use they end up on the one in the shower for body hair and work well.

Congratulations on the shaving, Allie. I (finally) just did mine a week ago. While I was in there, I shaved my arms. I was crying from the euphoria while doing it. I hadn't fully realized how "male" my arm hair made me feel.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 31, 2024, 07:42:57 PMCongratulations on the shaving, Allie. I (finally) just did mine a week ago. While I was in there, I shaved my arms. I was crying from the euphoria while doing it. I hadn't fully realized how "male" my arm hair made me feel.

Nice Courtney! My arms will have to wait until after I'm fully out but I could see that being very exciting!

Wonderful for you!  Advancement on any score is rewarding, no?  What a feeling without that pesky hair!

For me not so much exciting, but satisfying.  Especially after only a year or two, likely due to HRT, only to have the odd hair sneak in.  Maybe every six months I run my epilator on my arms.   for 7 years, Brazilian fore and aft (lovely feeling after).  My aesthetician says even that is 75% reduced and finer in consistency.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 31, 2024, 07:42:57 PMCongratulations on the shaving, Allie. I (finally) just did mine a week ago. While I was in there, I shaved my arms. I was crying from the euphoria while doing it. I hadn't fully realized how "male" my arm hair made me feel.

About a year ago I did a trial session of laser on the back of my hands. I saw Mom after. She had no idea why I was staring, I just kept staring at the back of my hands. Even when she asked why I kept staring.. and I held up my hands showing off the hair free backs. she still didn't get what I was looking at.

"Mom.. I had laser hair removal on the back of my hands and it is amazing '..

I should probably take a moment to point out that hair might be just hair for some. I love being smooth. Everyone gets to do transition in their own ways. Feeling no pressure to follow the crowd or not being rushed to an uncomfortable spot in transition, even if that spot seems small, is a good thing.

Jenn

Quote from: Jenn104 on February 01, 2024, 09:09:14 AMAbout a year ago I did a trial session of laser on the back of my hands. I saw Mom after. She had no idea why I was staring, I just kept staring at the back of my hands. Even when she asked why I kept staring.. and I held up my hands showing off the hair free backs. she still didn't get what I was looking at.

"Mom.. I had laser hair removal on the back of my hands and it is amazing '..

I should probably take a moment to point out that hair might be just hair for some. I love being smooth. Everyone gets to do transition in their own ways. Feeling no pressure to follow the crowd or not being rushed to an uncomfortable spot in transition, even if that spot seems small, is a good thing.

Jenn

Oh yeah I get that Jenn.

Keeping my chest shaved has been major for me. I was pretty...uh.. feral.  And so the initial harvest was quite something. And now that hormones seem to have taken hold and make it easier and easier, that's been great.

That first time I did full front laser was a torturous affair. But we are trying to squeeze in another go. I want to see if it'll be better/worse but more importantly what kind of impact it'll have.

Spent much of this afternoon in the "food lab"... despite my head just about wanting to split it half.

It dawns on me this is VERY much a coping method. Our kitty, 14 years old, who lost his brother last year... is nearing the end. He's actually been on borrowed time the last six months, but the last few days he seems to be alternating between his happy go-lucky self and sad.

This is above and beyond the incontinence issues he's been having due to the tumor he has. We know he feels bad about it, but it's like a hand grenade walking around the house... never knowing when it's going to go off.

And this means we have to discuss this evening whether or not to alert our son about this, if we really think its that close, because he'd want to come down and spend time with his buddy... not hear about it after the fact. But we also don't want to worry him for no reason. So we have to thread that needle.


Oh AND our hot water heater has been having an issue (which I mentioned previously) and the way it presents (other than some reduction in our hot water) is that it beeps like a truck backing up.. randomly, for indeterminate lengthens of time, every day.

So... add in migraines to that cocktail, and yes... it is stressful.

So rather than wallow or impossibly try to rest, I baked a new version of my banana bread muffins (I know potassium is something I'm supposed to limit with my hormones... and I have been, but everything in moderation)...

And for dinner, I came up with a method/recipe for air fryer fish and chips.

I'm going to do sweet potato fries, since my wife greatly prefers those. But use the method I normally use for russet potatoes. It's maybe a bit over complicated, but it is very effective. And since it's like a 90-minute process... it will keep me busy.

Other than all that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you like the play?

That sorta day...

Love,
Allie

Sorry to hear about your cat. Loosing a pet is very hard.

I was wondering if your son comes to say good bye to cat, will that affect your plans to tell him about being transgender?

Ellen

Quote from: EllenW on February 01, 2024, 04:06:45 PMSorry to hear about your cat. Loosing a pet is very hard.

I was wondering if your son comes to say good bye to cat, will that affect your plans to tell him about being transgender?

Ellen

Thanks Ellen - hopefully he (our cat) will rally. But we need to start mentally "going there," you know?

As for the plans of telling our son? No I don't think so. My birthday is later this month. I still think that will make more sense. Doing it at a happy occasion like that. Not a sad one. That seems like it would be awful.

So sorry to hear about your cat Allie and the hot water heater beeping. It must be intolerable with a migraine. My heart goes out to you.
Hugs Gina

Quote from: Gina P on February 02, 2024, 05:43:04 AMSo sorry to hear about your cat Allie and the hot water heater beeping. It must be intolerable with a migraine. My heart goes out to you.
Hugs Gina

Thank you Gina. Woody is doing better this morning so far (Woody is the cat, we have not named the hot water heater... as of yet. It's always on the "to do" list but we just never get to it...), and we had a beep-free overnight, so that was something

I personally didn't get much sleep, probably worrying about all of the above. But I'm still going to call that a "win" 👍😉

Quote from: imallie on February 02, 2024, 06:05:53 AMWoody is the cat, we have not named the hot water heater... as of yet. It's always on the "to do" list but we just never get to it...

<rimshot>

You make me smile, Allie!

~Sara

Tarka, well it is a water otter----------------

Seriously-- have you considered dressing your water heater up in a cute outfit?  I kind of have to know and do suspect 'yes' is possible..

Quote from: Jenn104 on February 02, 2024, 01:29:01 PMSeriously-- have you considered dressing your water heater up in a cute outfit?  I kind of have to know and do suspect 'yes' is possible..

I don't think it's a terrible idea Jenn, but I keep hoping there will be a time when it will look its best, so I'd hate to buy something that's not the correct size.

It just seems to be carrying a lot of (I'm so deeply sorry for this...) water weight right now.

Quote from: imallie on February 02, 2024, 01:51:23 PMI don't think it's a terrible idea Jenn, but I keep hoping there will be a time when it will look its best, so I'd hate to buy something that's not the correct size.

It just seems to be carrying a lot of (I'm so deeply sorry for this...) water weight right now.

bad puns... a tankless job?

Steamed like a good idea, dont want to faucet, time to bail out---------

I'm going to bail on this line of jokes right now... (oh dam, I just stuck one last one in... well, I suppose two, actually..)

But to change the subject... wanted to share a few pictures of Woody, so you knew who I was talking about.

Here he is with his now-passed brother, Buzz (Woody on the left, Buzz is white, just like Buzz Lightyear's space suit, of course)
(https://i.imgur.com/YYJKZs7.jpeg)

Here's Woody never letting us leave any work station unattended (same goes for plate of food)..

(https://i.imgur.com/zSs3W0f.jpg)

Lastly, here he is with his DirecTV clicker. Yes, HIS, DirecTV clicker. It's a whole thing. When it's abandoned on the bed, he will hug it, sleep on it... grab it.. or sometimes he will attempt to flat-out pull it from our hands.

(https://i.imgur.com/kyqkZ3Y.jpg)

Okay, I love Woody. Don't consider this creepy, as I fall in love with nearly all critters in a New York nanosecond.

Woody is so cool with the remote. I love all animals and its amazing the personalities they have.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 02, 2024, 05:15:57 PMOkay, I love Woody. Don't consider this creepy, as I fall in love with nearly all critters in a New York nanosecond.

Not creepy in the least.  He's quite lovable. He's a cat who GREETS visitors, likes to pretend he's invisible (he inches closer to food and thinks we somehow don't see him) and is so incredibly good natured that he will seek you out and cuddle you when he knows you're sad, or when he wants it. But if you want it? He will allow it even though you can 100% tell he's just waiting for you to be done to move on with the rest of his scheduled activities for that day.

We are giving him some pumpkin this morning (cats LOVE it!) in hopes it might settle his system down. But if it doesn't help in the next 24 hours we are bracing for the fact that we can't let him hang on just because it'll break our hearts when he's gone.

I know this will APPEAR to just be a photo of a loaf of bread I baked when I was teaching myself to do that last year... but there is an invisible Woody in it if you look very closely. You're forgiven if you can't see him right away. He believes he is quite excellent at his ninja-like stealthiness.

(https://i.imgur.com/zaUCSQh.jpeg)

I simply see two golden loaves of bread.

Actually, I see one golden loaf and a funny feline who is far more precious than gold to you.

By the way, I know many/most of you are quite fond of my wife... but that's only because I ONLY tell you the GOOD stories about her, not the seamy, cruel, other stuff.

Well, that ends now. You get the whole picture.

Last night, when I was kissing her good night (she was reading her book in bed, I was off to headache land in my office for a few hours) we were hoping that Woody didn't have another "explosive" late night, causing us to have to keep getting up. We all wanted/needed some sleep.

And then I said: "Well the worst would be, if after my cluster, I came out of the office, and he did it right in the hall and I didn't see it and I slipped in it and fell on my ass."

At which she immediately broke out in to UPROARIOUS laughter.

Not "oh, that would be terrible!" ... with a small, chuckle. But straight out, tears in her eyes, unabashed, uncontrollable laughing.

So — see? I assume that makes you like her so much less!

(Sigh) Yeah, I know. Me neither. 😘

Woody, by the way, had a pretty good night. The pumpkin we gave him seemed to help. Still some accidents but he definitely got some sleep. He's cuddled up in the bed with me now as I type this. So... cautiously optimistic that he might hang in a bit longer.

Love,
Allie

The more I hear the more I like your wife!!!

In the last months of our dog's life last spring, his digestive ability also faded and we had to be careful rising each morning lest we step in his stool. I'm sure he hated soiling his home. He was a smart dog who always wanted to do the right thing.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 04, 2024, 12:43:36 PMIn the last months of our dog's life last spring, his digestive ability also faded and we had to be careful rising each morning lest we step in his stool. I'm sure he hated soiling his home. He was a smart dog who always wanted to do the right thing.

I'm sure you're correct. It's hard to watch, and obviously you can't be remotely upset.

Have you added a new dog to the household since your loss?

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 04, 2024, 12:43:36 PMIn the last months of our dog's life last spring, his digestive ability also faded and we had to be careful rising each morning lest we step in his stool. I'm sure he hated soiling his home. He was a smart dog who always wanted to do the right thing.

O&C
I know my old dog hated soiling his home. But you have to accept that it is part of the aging process even when you pick them up and they pee all over you shirt. Any way how anyone can hate a 21-year-old poodle when he looked so cute.

(https://i.imgur.com/yxnNH43.jpeg)

Ellen

QuoteHave you added a new dog to the household since your loss?

Still saving for the new dog. Hope to have one by early summer. Fingers crossed.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 04, 2024, 06:03:57 PMStill saving for the new dog. Hope to have one by early summer. Fingers crossed.

🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

I had to fill out some online survey for my wife's insurance today, it's something so that we can get a $500 wellness credit. It's one of the supposedly "voluntary/anonymous" things where they hook you in with cash credits.

Anyway, one question was birth gender, one was preferred... and when I got to the second I was about to click "transgender" and then I saw there was a "beeswax, nunya" option, so I took that. I really didn't feel like coming out to some computer program today.

But it also made realize something that, maybe is patently obvious to many others. But just dawned on me today. Let's not focus on how late I am, let's just celebrate the fact that I showed up at the party, ok?

What I realized was - "transition" is for other people.

The whole thing. The whole megillah. The entire pizza. The full box of crayons. Whatever you like. It's not for us, but for them. All the "thems"

If, God forbid, you were permanently stranded on a deserted island, and had known you were transgender previously, you would simply begin living as your authentic self immediately. There would be no "transition." No steps. You'd flip a switch, and that would be it. You'd never think about it again. Sure, you'd work to improve your appearance... but everyone of every gender does that. But there'd be no living between genders, going back and forth, etc. You would just BE you.

It's only that we, validly by the way, do things to make it easier for the people in our lives... and easier for us to exist in the company of judgmental strangers, that we conform to the notion and procedures of a transition.

Again, I'm sure this is a "Yeah of course!" moment for many of you. And it doesn't really lead to living my life any differently, knowing this, but it is fascinating to me, as something that totally eluded me until now.

Cluelessly yours,
Allie

You raise an interesting point, Allie. If I lived alone in the woods, I too would simply be me with no transition needed. It's other people who foisted transitioning upon me, for without it, other women wouldn't approach me as another woman and men would approach me as if I were male, with all their incumbent expectations. You and I are alike in that we shrug at clothing, but dang it, if you approach me expecting masculine mannerisms and male proclivities, I'm going to disappoint.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 05, 2024, 10:29:07 AMYou raise an interesting point, Allie. If I lived alone in the woods, I too would simply be me with no transition needed. It's other people who foisted transitioning upon me, for without it, other women wouldn't approach me as another woman and men would approach me as if I were male, with all their incumbent expectations. You and I are alike in that we shrug at clothing, but dang it, if you approach me expecting masculine mannerisms and male proclivities, I'm going to disappoint.

Exactly!  The appearance is only partly me, the rest is trying to force society to recognize me as something they can handle.

I was at a garden club meeting and one of my women friends complemented me on how she liked my glasses.
I noticed how some women picked clothes with gardening themes.  A lot of them also wore heels. 
I didn't see any guys doing either the gardening themes or the high heels.  Maybe next time I'll remember to wear high heels.

The garden club has 50/50 split between what I consider to be male and female presentation.

I suspect the answers to the desert island scenario - like our individual stories - are deeply personal, widely varied, and on some level perhaps make sense only to ourselves.

Very personally, I'd still have my body dysphoria. I'd want to take steps to allieve that flavor of dysphoria. While there is some social transition in my own story, I have other drivers. Other feelings I'd want to address, even in a vacuum.

Like I said, I suspect if we took a survery of 100 of us, we'd get 101+ answers on the best of days.  Maybe I am misreading the question posed. I dunno

~Jenn

Quote from: Jenn104 on February 05, 2024, 11:57:11 AMI suspect the answers to the desert island scenario - like our individual stories - are deeply personal, widely varied, and on some level perhaps make sense only to ourselves.

Very personally, I'd still have my body dysphoria. I'd want to take steps to allieve that flavor of dysphoria. While there is some social transition in my own story, I have other drivers. Other feelings I'd want to address, even in a vacuum.

Like I said, I suspect if we took a survery of 100 of us, we'd get 101+ answers on the best of days.  Maybe I am misreading the question posed. I dunno

~Jenn

I don't think you are at all, Jenn!

I agree on many levels. First, I don't speak for anyone but myself.

But secondly, I agree that I'd still have the dysmorphic issues about my body... but if I wasn't comparing it to another standard anymore.. they might dissipate some. And as mentioned, I believe I'd still take as many steps as feasible to augment my appearance towards my conception of MY feminine ideal on an island (whatever that would end up being).

But what I was saying is all of that would be true, but also, on day one I would have already flipped the switch, gender-wise, in my brain. Whether or not I still had issues I wanted to address is another thing. But there wouldn't be any need for some "transition" until I could say I was finally FEMALE.

That's the point I was making. Not putting it anyone else but me.

Really struggling here. Today is going to be Woody's final day.

My wife called this morning (she was at work already) and we chatted about how he was with her when they got up.. and although he came back to bed with me and was all cuddly, she said he looked so sad. And when I got up with him he looked another level weaker than yesterday. He's such a happy guy, I think THIS is as much as we're going to see for him being uncomfortable/complaining.

I told her a few days ago, and I felt awful doing it, that she 100% will have to make this call. I would never ever pull this trigger. I just can't do it. When it was Buzz's time, as much as I loved him too... he was really "her" guy, and I made that call.

But with Woody? He's my buddy. I can't be the one to say it. She has to. And so this morning, she pretty much has. And of course she's correct.  Contacted the boy, he's running some meeting at a mayor's office until 11 am and then said he's clearing his calendar (he said he was 'going OOP' (which it took me a beat to realize meant "going out of pocket')) for the rest of the day, so that will be good.

So I'm just going to just try to make him comfortable and be with him until they're home.

Love,
Allie

Oh, Allie, I'm so sad with you, Woody, your wife, and the boy. We waited too long with our cat. He was a scrap of a cat at the end. It takes great love, loyalty, and wisdom to not wait until the ones we love are mere scraps.

Oh! My Goodness!

I simply love the compassion in those words.

"It takes great love, loyalty, and wisdom to not wait until the ones we love are mere scraps."

Allie,

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry to hear about Woody.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your wife.

HUGS

Ellen

I feel for you dear, over the years have had to say goodbye to half a dozen dogs and a few cats all of them missed.

I'm thinking good thoughts for all of you, Allie.

So sorry for your loss. It is always hard losing pets. After all they are part of the family. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks so much to all for your kind thoughts and words.

It was, as you can imagine, an exhausting and emotional day.

So fortunate that our son was able to get home around noon and had the afternoon with Woody, and my wife was able to get home around 1-2, and we all went to the vet at around 4:30, and stayed with Woody through the whole procedure.

He was purring up until the end, and in fact his last moment was, after he was given the first injection (sedative), he came over and put his head to my forehead and held it there, and then fell over onto the table.

Even writing that now is too much. At the time that made me inconsolable for 10 minutes.

I was just glad the three of us could all be there, together, for him.  But I am really heartsick right now, and miss him dearly.

Luckily tomorrow morning is electrolysis, Thursday I have the plumber coming to finally fix our hot water heater, and then Fridays my wife works from home. So I won't have my first full day home all day by myself until Monday. I don't think I could do that tomorrow.

We spent this evening looking at photos, and I can already tell that I have one doozy of a cluster headache warming up in the bullpen for 50 minutes or so from now. So I'm going to go.

Thanks again - so much.

Love,
Allie

Thank You for sharing, Allie. I teared up reading Woody was purring as he put his head to yours. Special bonds like that don't come often. Surely every last reader of yours shares a corner of your grief.

Jenn

QuoteHe was purring up until the end, and in fact his last moment was, after he was given the first injection (sedative), he came over and put his head to my forehead and held it there, and then fell over onto the table.

That's a beautiful death. I wish I could die like Woody, but having worked in a hospital and having seen how humans die, again and again, my death will likely be nothing like lucky Woody's death. You did everything right for Woody, Allie, and I'm so glad the three of you were together to grieve and remember.

Thanks Jenn & O/C.

His final moment was really such a gift. It meant everything to me.

Of course my electrolysis session was far less productive than usual, as when she opened the door to greet me and saw my face and said "how's Woody?" And then we had to keep taking breaks for her to cry.
I'm tearing up right now, but I don't think I have any moisture left in my body so not sure actual crying is even physical possible until I replenish.

Your electrolygist is a good woman. I expect you'll cry here and there for weeks. Tears, being salty, will rust our gut if we don't release them. I pity the ones who can't cry.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 07, 2024, 03:04:33 PMYour electrolygist is a good woman. I expect you'll cry here and there for weeks. Tears, being salty, will rust our gut if we don't release them. I pity the ones who can't cry.

Oh yeah, not crying has NEVER been an issue for me. Hormones has nothing to do with it. At least so far. I probably can still reach for the tissue 30 seconds later than my wife, but that's about it.

That's about how our timing worked listening to Joni Mitchell perform on the Grammys. For those who have, or haven't seen it. It's something worth checking out.

Hey all - not normally into product endorsement, but this morning I finally tried something I'd been wanting to get my hands on for a little while - and it very much did not disappoint:

Mission Protein Wraps.

These are nutrient-dense tortilla wraps, a fantastic swap for any flour, multigrain or other wrap you're currently using. I would like to try slicing one up and seeing if it makes chips well in the air fryer, but short of that... I'm sold.

Per wrap: 70 calories, 7 grams of protein, 12 grams of fiber.  That is about as nutrient dense as it can get.

By way of comparison, a typical flour tortilla will be about 200 calories, 6 grams of protein and 1 gram of fiber.

Any time you can multiply the grams of protein x10 and it's close to the calories, or do the same with grams of fiber, you're talking a food with bang for its buck. When you get one with BOTH? You're talking a real keeper.

Had a good taste, nice and soft (some "healthier" wraps tend to crumble and/or taste like cardboard), and because of the high protein/fiber content, it will really fill you up.

Anyway... end of endorsement. 😘


P.S. Here was my breakfast:
(https://i.imgur.com/OX8AJ5Z.jpeg)

Wrap/ 1/3 cup of egg whites, 1/2 oz reduced fat sharp cheddar, 1 oz maple ham, 1 tbsp chopped bell pepper, s/p:

175 cal, 24g protein, 12g fiber, 18g carbs, 6g fats

Ok, just a bit more... here's lunch

(https://i.imgur.com/Nu3lZpn.jpeg)

This tuna melt wrap:
237 cal, 29g protein, 12g fiber, 20g carbs

1 wrap, 1 packet chunk light reduced sodium tuna (Star Kist), 1 wedge Laughing Cow aged cheddar, 1 slice extra thin mild cheddar, 3 bread & butter pickles (I love Bubbies), pinch of paprika/s/p

By the way, as much as I wanted to try the wrap again, I REALLY wanted to try this wrap-making method I'd seen recently... and now I'm sold on. Maybe the shape of the above wrap is common to some, but I'd not seen it before, but it is SOOO great, and such an easy way to make a multi-layer wrap, and a one-handed, easy to eat meal!

For those who know... skip this. For my fellow wrap-neophytes:

1. Cut a radius in the wrap from 6 pm to the center.
2. Place your wrap items in the four quadrants created (UL, UR, LL, LR)
3. For planning purposes, UL and LL will be the tops and bottoms of your wrap, so that is the best place for cheese/condiments... if you like those on the top/bottom.
4. Your protein is best positioned in UR
5. Once everything is in place:
 A. Fold LR up to cover UR
 B. Flip the LR/UR combo to the left, covering UL
 C. Fold THAT trio down, covering LL

That's it! You then have a layered, triangular wrap! If you want to air fry it, or grill it, it'll hold up. Or if it's a cold wrap it's good to go. But it will hold up and everything is perfectly layered.

I was kind of blown away I didn't know about this for the past 57 years. Just glad it wasn't a few weeks from now, or I'd have to say 58. So at least there's THAT!

Love, just a tiny bit smarter than I was yesterday...
Allie

Looks yummy!

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 08, 2024, 03:04:08 PMLooks yummy!

Yeah it was good. The wraps are really nice. But that folding method was like a magic trick! I really wish I had learned it sooner!!

Yes dear, if you sealed the top edge it would be a samosa!

I love samosas!

Quote from: davina61 on February 08, 2024, 04:50:44 PMYes dear, if you sealed the top edge it would be a samosa!

Oh you know what Davina, that's kind of true! It's the same principle as a samosa and some wontons... but those use rectangular wraps (or square) and I guess this is the tortilla variation. 

Oh wow, Tortilla Variation is an EXCELLENT band name.

Quote from: imallie on February 08, 2024, 07:51:36 AMHey all - not normally into product endorsement, but this morning I finally tried something I'd been wanting to get my hands on for a little while - and it very much did not disappoint:

Mission Protein Wraps.

These are nutrient-dense tortilla wraps, a fantastic swap for any flour, multigrain or other wrap you're currently using. I would like to try slicing one up and seeing if it makes chips well in the air fryer, but short of that... I'm sold.

Per wrap: 70 calories, 7 grams of protein, 12 grams of fiber.  That is about as nutrient dense as it can get.

By way of comparison, a typical flour tortilla will be about 200 calories, 6 grams of protein and 1 gram of fiber.

Any time you can multiply the grams of protein x10 and it's close to the calories, or do the same with grams of fiber, you're talking a food with bang for its buck. When you get one with BOTH? You're talking a real keeper.

Had a good taste, nice and soft (some "healthier" wraps tend to crumble and/or taste like cardboard), and because of the high protein/fiber content, it will really fill you up.

Anyway... end of endorsement. 😘


P.S. Here was my breakfast:
(https://i.imgur.com/OX8AJ5Z.jpeg)

Wrap/ 1/3 cup of egg whites, 1/2 oz reduced fat sharp cheddar, 1 oz maple ham, 1 tbsp chopped bell pepper, s/p:

175 cal, 24g protein, 12g fiber, 18g carbs, 6g fats

Looks good.  Thank you.


Chrissy

You use a 1/2 circle for a samosa, fold it to a 1/4 then a 1/4 again.

Quote from: davina61 on February 09, 2024, 04:04:17 AMYou use a 1/2 circle for a samosa, fold it to a 1/4 then a 1/4 again.

Oh I'll have to look that up. The only time we ever made them, it was a rectangular piece... folded over the top into a triangle to make a cone... filled the cone..and then basically replicated what I did with the wrap until you had a sealed triangle.

But literally did it one time. LOL

Had an appointment with my lead Neurologist today (I need a TEAM of people to deal with what's wrong between my ears...). I've been seeing him since he initially diagnosed my cluster headaches in 30 seconds after 4-5 other doctors were baffled.

So he's a keeper.

Plus, his deep Eastern European accent always makes me smile. It's not scary-Dracula level, think more Count Chocula's kindly grandpa. 😉

Anyway, it was he who I went to when my endo wanted us to see what the impact on hormones would be on my headaches... so, since we happened to be in Miami at the time, I messaged him through the hospital portal and basically came out to him and asked the question.

He then gave me the 70-20-10 answer which I've shared here before (70% change HRT would make it worse, 20% the same, 10% better, and so he wouldn't recommend it). Obviously informed consent and all, endo and I decided to start slow and see... and now I'm at least in the 20% but it could be the 10% based on the strides.

But that story is not why you bought a ticket to this particular Rodeo.

No, the thing is... since then, I've had a nagging suspicion that he's forgotten that I'm trans. It just so happens our last few visits have been tele-health. He was sick once, they had to change my time where it was too late for me to drive... and today... I don't know why it was tele-health, but it was what was scheduled.

Not that in person would make that much of a difference, I suppose.  But even so, it wasn't like I was purposely not talking about it... it was just not germane to our discussions. But I keep saying to my wife AFTER the appointments, "you know... I'm starting to think..."

I said that today, and she laughed. She noted that I was unshaven (had electro on Wednesday... so I normally don't shave until Friday morning, and I was still going to do the treadmill after my apt, so I hadn't showered yet), plus I had my old glasses on. So I wasn't helping matters.

But also, my meds are in the chart... and my primary care doc put "transgenderism" into my "condition" list. I didn't know it was considered a condition, but whatever.

So he should know... and maybe he does. But it's starting to be a thing. I'll just be curious at my next appointment, if I do it in person, in six months... by then I assume (hope) I'd be to the point where I'm going out fully dressed... at least some/most of the time. So that will be interesting.

Unless he already does know. Which he definitely doesn't. Which he 100% should.

This whole thing is making my head hurt... which is exactly what he's supposed to help me prevent... which just makes that even worse...

*sigh* 😂

Happy Friday everyone!

Love,
Allie

QuoteUnless he already does know. Which he definitely doesn't. Which he 100% should.

^This^ made my head hurt too.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 09, 2024, 11:54:30 AM^This^ made my head hurt too.

You're welcome. 😘

We were finalizing our menu for the big event tomorrow (i.e. watching commercials between short snippets of what hopefully will not be a dreadful game...), and one thing we decided to do is have me make some onion petals in the air fryer.

I did a test run on those last week (with a buttermilk dredge) and they really worked. I was skeptical about a wet batter in the air fryer, but if done lightly it really works.

Anyway, for something like that, you need a really good dipping sauce... and I have to say, what I threw together tonight is pretty darn amaze-balls.  I think I'd dip shoelaces in it.

So since I've been really lazy and not posting on my food blog, I thought I'd share it with my friends here... in case you all needed something for your own purposes or to bring somewhere. It would work for chips, wings, chicken.. pretty much anything. And you likely have everything you need lying around.

1 5.3 oz container of non-fat Greek Yogurt
2 tbsp ketchup
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 tsp spicy brown mustard (or 1 tsp horseradish if you prefer. I think that would work too)
1/2 tsp smoked paprika
1/2 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper

That's it

By the way, if you want the "less healthy" version... you could just use 1/2 c of mayo instead of the yogurt... and then skip the vinegar (which is only there to make the yogurt match the mayo's tang).  But if you have yogurt, it's a lot lower in calories, higher in protein and you won't notice a difference.

Love,
Allie

QuoteI think I'd dip shoelaces in it.

Clever girl.

Quote from: imallie on February 05, 2024, 10:00:01 AMI had to fill out some online survey for my wife's insurance today, it's something so that we can get a $500 wellness credit. It's one of the supposedly "voluntary/anonymous" things where they hook you in with cash credits.

Anyway, one question was birth gender, one was preferred... and when I got to the second I was about to click "transgender" and then I saw there was a "beeswax, nunya" option, so I took that. I really didn't feel like coming out to some computer program today.

But it also made realize something that, maybe is patently obvious to many others. But just dawned on me today. Let's not focus on how late I am, let's just celebrate the fact that I showed up at the party, ok?

What I realized was - "transition" is for other people.

The whole thing. The whole megillah. The entire pizza. The full box of crayons. Whatever you like. It's not for us, but for them. All the "thems"

If, God forbid, you were permanently stranded on a deserted island, and had known you were transgender previously, you would simply begin living as your authentic self immediately. There would be no "transition." No steps. You'd flip a switch, and that would be it. You'd never think about it again. Sure, you'd work to improve your appearance... but everyone of every gender does that. But there'd be no living between genders, going back and forth, etc. You would just BE you.

It's only that we, validly by the way, do things to make it easier for the people in our lives... and easier for us to exist in the company of judgmental strangers, that we conform to the notion and procedures of a transition.

Again, I'm sure this is a "Yeah of course!" moment for many of you. And it doesn't really lead to living my life any differently, knowing this, but it is fascinating to me, as something that totally eluded me until now.

Cluelessly yours,
Allie

I don't relate to that. For me, the problem isn't other people as much as it is my body.  Is that a weird way to feel?  I am not caught up in the social gender norms.  I mean, I publicly do follow them to get along.  But, what causes me dysphoria is my body.  The male primary and secondary sex characteristics.  The genitalia, the body hair, the bald head, the voice, the way I smell.  None of that would change alone in the world. 

And. While I recognize full well that I am not doing anything about those things here while I can, at least right now it is a choice.  It is my decision.  Alone on an island, I would have no choice.  I would have no control over it.  I'd be stuck being male.

Maybe that is a strange outlook.  I don't know.  But, other people are (to me, I believe) important in how they see me, and how they interact with me.  Alone, I wouldn't have that.  But, I would still have dysphoria, just as bad as ever.  Maybe worse due to lack of control.

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 11, 2024, 09:23:28 PMI don't relate to that. For me, the problem isn't other people as much as it is my body.  Is that a weird way to feel?  I am not caught up in the social gender norms.  I mean, I publicly do follow them to get along.  But, what causes me dysphoria is my body.  The male primary and secondary sex characteristics.  The genitalia, the body hair, the bald head, the voice, the way I smell.  None of that would change alone in the world. 

And. While I recognize full well that I am not doing anything about those things here while I can, at least right now it is a choice.  It is my decision.  Alone on an island, I would have no choice.  I would have no control over it.  I'd be stuck being male.

Maybe that is a strange outlook.  I don't know.  But, other people are (to me, I believe) important in how they see me, and how they interact with me.  Alone, I wouldn't have that.  But, I would still have dysphoria, just as bad as ever.  Maybe worse due to lack of control.

First of all Rachel, you feel how you feel. No one gets to judge.

But secondly, I don't think you quite got my point.

You were speaking to what causes you, or any of us to consider ourselves transgender. What are our dysphoric triggers. Yours, like mine, are body based. I have always been ok with the person I am, I'm just wrapped in a shell that makes no sense to me. That's what I'm in the process of slowly changing through hormones, and even more slowly though social re-calibration, and other physical changes.

But when I was speaking of "transition" I was talking about the PROCESS of transition. If it were not for other people, if it were not for societal norms and expectations... once I accepted that this was who I truly was, the next day I would have woken up and begun to live my life 24/7 as my female self. I would have dressed as would be appropriate, and gotten myself totally into the mindset of being forever female. Not "in transition." Not doing it slowly to make others more comfortable.

Yes, my body would still have been an issue.. but it would be a "fake it til you make it thing"... I of course would do all that I could to keep working that and make it better, and certainly I would still have dysphoria until I got to some physical tipping point, but there would be no process of social transition, such as it is. Because, as I was saying, I really think THAT is something we undertake for the benefit of others, not ourselves.

Apologies if that wasn't clear to you in my initial post.

Aarrgh -

We are expecting 9-12 inches of snow all of a sudden on Tuesday. I don't really care about that too much, except it means that my wife will work from home.  Normally, I'm fine with that.. except, my plans for Tuesday WERE:

a tele-health session with my therapist, and then making cake pops as an anniversary present for my wife.

I can still do the therapy session (it'll be the first time I've done it with her in the house, but at this point I'm not really talking about anything that I've not said to her... so...)

But the cake pop thing is throwing me for a loop.

Options:

1. I could make them tomorrow (Monday). The issue with that is then I've got to keep them hidden for two days, which is a bit of an issue, and they'll be two days less fresh.  Plus, tomorrow morning I'm already making a delivery to our food local charity food pantry, plus I need to make a batch of sauce, and then meatballs.  And I have to do all that before lunch (when my migraines start). Don't know how I squeeze cake pops into that schedule.

2. I could try to do it Tuesday night after she goes to sleep. But she's going to smell cake baking and hear the mixer..uh..mixing. That seems like a non-starter.

3. Wednesday morning I have electrolysis, which takes me right up until lunch. PLUS I really would like to have brought some to my electrologist as well as a VD gift.  So I suppose, thinking as a write this, *sigh* my only option is to get up at the crack-a** of dawn on Wednesday and try to make them completely and still give myself time to shower and leave for my appointment by 9:30 am. 

Never having made them before, I have the benefit of total ignorance on my side when I say "that seems doable."  ;D

So unless someone has a suggestion I'm missing (I'm freshly post-cluster headache right now, so very much NOT thinking clearly) or access to a time machine... I guess that's my best and only option.

Love,
Allie

Time And Relative Dimension In Space, sounds like you need one of these (Tardis) but will you still have time once you have fought off the Daleks and Cybermen??

Quote from: davina61 on February 12, 2024, 03:46:12 AMTime And Relative Dimension In Space, sounds like you need one of these (Tardis) but will you still have time once you have fought off the Daleks and Cybermen??

Who? 😘

I can't EVEN, with this juggling act...

So I now have the sauce done, and simmering... that needs to do that for 30 minutes. At that point I can pull 1/2 of it out and jar it for future use. The second half will remain in the pot for the meatballs I'm going to make.

In the meanwhile, I'm going to use this window to run to the food pantry and make my delivery.

But before I do that, I got this FB message — out of the complete blue, from a former coach I worked with, oh... 30 years ago.. telling me a memoir he's written is coming out in the next few months, and he wanted to fact check some stuff with me.  Off the top of my head — about dates, school history, his place in it... etc.

Then he asked about media contacts, etc... all the while I'm trying to sort out the sauce..

The whole thing had a real last act of Goodfellas vibe, without, you know the cocaine and helicopters.

*sigh*

Love,
Allie

Ok.. so.. one final update on this, embarrassing, episode.

While the sauce was simmering, I got in the car and raced to the food pantry. Because I had that Goodfellas thing cued up in my head, I actually found myself looking up in the sky for helicopters... which made me start laughing out loud. By myself. In the car.  This is not a good look.

So after dropping off the food, on the way home I called my wife and, in what I can only imagine sounded like the kind of voice you'd use in an audio dictionary under the definition of the word "frazzled" I began "I cannot take this anymore! I'm looking for helicopters, laughing to myself.. coaches are bothering me, there's sauce simmering... I can't take it!"

Of course she started laughing, and asked what THIS was, and I told her that I'm sure she knows I had something planned for Valentine's Day, and she said that yes, she'd seen clues and she assumed it was a cake of some sort, or some cake type product...  But I told her "Well you don't know EXACTLY what it is.. but.. it doesn't matter, because I'm making them tomorrow when you're home and that's it. And you're just going to be ok with that."

Again, laughter and her saying that it was totally fine. And so.. ok... that was that.

I very much look forward to unpacking this whole comic-manic episode with my therapist tomorrow and letting her take a crack at it. That's what I pay her the less-than-big co-pay bucks for, after all.

Calmly yours,
Allie

Allie, I surely wish your cluster headaches didn't afflict you. You contend with a regularity and magnitude of pain that is beyond my ken and beyond the ken of pretty much everyone alive. And yet you maintain your buoyant good humor and generosity. I'll tell you something you already know: I admire you.

As far as the living in the woods question, the starting premise was so vague that I don't understand anyone's response. Are we talking about being born in the woods, away from people, and never having seen women and men, or are we talking about retreating from society into the woods? If it's the former, assuming that one would be uncomfortable in their body is silly because that's all one would know. If it's the latter, I know I'd be okay in my old body in the woods because I was as a child. My problem was returning to people who expected me to walk like a boy and prefer boys as playmates and desire boys' toys and emotionally react as a boy.

Retreating.

I guess what was/is on my mind is all the machinations of things we do in this process called "transition" which are solely designed to make other people more comfortable.
That's why I was saying transition is for other people.
All of us measure what we do and say based on what kind of response we think it will elicit from others - it's called "living in a society" - but for trans-folk that's multiplied so much that the process has its own name.
My point was merely if you retreated from society with your diagnosis you would not "transition" you would not edit or modify or dilute your behavior or appearance until it was more socially acceptable based on people being prepared for it (either over time, or from physical changes matching clothing choices, etc).  You would simply start living as your authentic self to the best of your ability. 
That's all. 

And that was awfully nice what you said about me, thank you. But a lot of people have it a lot worse than I do. And anyway, since my attitude is the one thing fully in my control, it seems nonsensical to cede that too to pain and or misfortune. 

Love,
Allie

Cake pops for Valentine's Day... sorted.
(https://i.imgur.com/7SdV8HU.jpg)

Also put together this little thing for my electrologist, since I'm seeing her tomorrow morning:
(https://i.imgur.com/G26Yms8.jpg)

It's unfortunate that my wife was home while I was making these... but there was no other option, and after how long the process took, I'm at peace with the fact that there really was no other option. 

She really liked them, which is really, end of the day, all that really matters. ❤️

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 11, 2024, 09:23:28 PMI don't relate to that. For me, the problem isn't other people as much as it is my body. ... Maybe that is a strange outlook.  I don't know.  But, other people are (to me, I believe) important in how they see me, and how they interact with me.  Alone, I wouldn't have that.  But, I would still have dysphoria, just as bad as ever.  Maybe worse due to lack of control.

This I relate to!  Its not so much important how they "see" me, but how they treat me.  I want them to see "me" as I see myself.  The secondary characteristics are mostly for me I'm guessing, but when I see me as more female than male I'm calmer, more stable, less afraid.

By the by, those Pop's look scrumptious!  Such a Susie Homemaker :)  Happy Valentines Day!

By the way, complete credit to my wife on this one...

When I showed her what I put together for my electrologist, I told her my only issue was that I wish I had some way to present it better.

I was pretty pleased with myself, ordering the plant foam discs as holders for the pops, but as anyone who has ever used them knows, they are VERY crumbly.

So my wife thinks about it, and says ... why don't you see how far the disc goes down in a red Solo cup? That way, it'll look like flowers, and have the benefits of being neater, and you can easily drive it there by placing it in your car's cupholder.

I KNEW there was a reason I married that woman...
(https://i.imgur.com/mD6hQfV.jpeg)

Clever girl. Or is it, Clabber girl?

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 13, 2024, 03:34:56 PMClever girl. Or is it, Clabber girl?

You know, of course, I said "Cleeever girl" when she suggested the cups. The eye rolls are just too intoxicating to me not to do whatever I can to solicit them. 😉

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! 😘❤️😘

Hope you can do something nice for that special someone in your life!

... and if you're not fortunate enough to have love in your life at present, do something nice for others in your life who are very much worthy of it:

A cherished friend, relative or co-worker who also might not be in a relationship right now;

And most importantly, the person in your life who really deserves it : yourself.  Do something extra nice for yourself today!

Love,
Allie

Back at ya, Allie, and your wonderful wife.

Had a therapy session today. My first since early November.

I sometimes wonder, and I know it's likely my typical lack of actual self-confidence, if I'm "doing therapy right."

Make no mistake. I both look forward to, and enjoy the sessions. And I try, try, TRY to suppress my typical instinct to entertain... but not sure how successful I am at that. I am, as you know, very entertaining (and modest!).  Seriously, though, the instinct is borne of being so insecure with my appearance, I'm sure. It was always just natural to put on a big, entertaining persona ... to distract from what you see and how it clearly didn't make any sense (to me, anyway). I wonder if any of that will change when things fully align for me?

Anyway, entertaining or not, my therapy sessions are never about getting answers. I mean, the initial ones were. I wanted confirmation that I was trans. Or I wanted to know how it could be "fixed." But once that was quickly dispensed with, the sessions have always been 90% me talking.

They are mostly me going through that drawer in the kitchen, you know the one? — full of take-out menus, expired coupons, mystery screws, expired batteries, broken sunglasses, chargers for devices you're not sure you own anymore, and one golf ball.

You know how satisfying it is, when the drawer gets overstuffed, to go through it with someone and say "is this any good?" And throw stuff out, and then keep only the stuff with relative value and chuck the rest... resulting in a marginally less chaotic drawer?

THAT is therapy to me.

I run through all the nonsense that is overstuffed in my head since the last time we've spoken and either through her words or reactions, I get the sense of what's the good stuff and what isn't... and I come out with a relatively clean drawer.

Let's face it, my particular drawer is NEVER going to a model of efficiency or organization. There are some old chargers I'm holding on to way past any point of logic or sanity.

Please don't take it mean I think she's anything less than wonderful. This is all me. She had some great suggestions about telling our son next week, and is always incredibly honest about everything... which makes me more inclined to share.

I just wonder if others go into sessions with a laundry list of questions and seek answers, and that's something that's more normal. Don't know why I care, it's just something that usually strikes me after a session - did I miss any opportunity by jabbering on so much?

Love,
Allie

Quote from: imallie on February 15, 2024, 12:24:43 PMHad a therapy session today. My first since early November.

I sometimes wonder, and I know it's likely my typical lack of actual self-confidence, if I'm "doing therapy right."

Make no mistake. I both look forward to, and enjoy the sessions. And I try, try, TRY to suppress my typical instinct to entertain... but not sure how successful I am at that. I am, as you know, very entertaining (and modest!).  Seriously, though, the instinct is borne of being so insecure with my appearance, I'm sure. It was always just natural to put on a big, entertaining persona ... to distract from what you see and how it clearly didn't make any sense (to me, anyway). I wonder if any of that will change when things fully align for me?

Anyway, entertaining or not, my therapy sessions are never about getting answers. I mean, the initial ones were. I wanted confirmation that I was trans. Or I wanted to know how it could be "fixed." But once that was quickly dispensed with, the sessions have always been 90% me talking.

They are mostly me going through that drawer in the kitchen, you know the one? — full of take-out menus, expired coupons, mystery screws, expired batteries, broken sunglasses, chargers for devices you're not sure you own anymore, and one golf ball.

You know how satisfying it is, when the drawer gets overstuffed, to go through it with someone and say "is this any good?" And throw stuff out, and then keep only the stuff with relative value and chuck the rest... resulting in a marginally less chaotic drawer?

THAT is therapy to me.

I run through all the nonsense that is overstuffed in my head since the last time we've spoken and either through her words or reactions, I get the sense of what's the good stuff and what isn't... and I come out with a relatively clean drawer.

Let's face it, my particular drawer is NEVER going to a model of efficiency or organization. There are some old chargers I'm holding on to way past any point of logic or sanity.

Please don't take it mean I think she's anything less than wonderful. This is all me. She had some great suggestions about telling our son next week, and is always incredibly honest about everything... which makes me more inclined to share.

I just wonder if others go into sessions with a laundry list of questions and seek answers, and that's something that's more normal. Don't know why I care, it's just something that usually strikes me after a session - did I miss any opportunity by jabbering on so much?

Love,
Allie

Hey Allie-

Since you mention telling your son next week, I am going to wish you well with that. I kind of think your apples don't fall far from the tree and your family will be fine. Maybe a few lost socks along the way, but then they'll sort themselves out.

If it counts, therapy is a little like transition, right? We each have the zen of our own experiences, there is not a right or a wrong way to do either. You just have to put some sincere effort into it. My own model is a kind of inventory what is going well, what is not going well, things I am working on. My therapist has a lot of insights.

Oh I said this often in the lost blogs of yours -- your therapist a genius. still holds true.

QuoteBut once that was quickly dispensed with, the sessions have always been 90% me talking.

It's understandable that you do 90% of the talking. This means she's doing 90% of the listening. If she listens well and is wise, when she does talk, don't think about what you're going to say next, but listen to her rare words with an open heart.

I enjoyed your junk drawer analogy.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 16, 2024, 06:56:43 AMIt's understandable that you do 90% of the talking. This means she's doing 90% of the listening. If she listens well and is wise, when she does talk, don't think about what you're going to say next, but listen to her rare words with an open heart.

I enjoyed your junk drawer analogy.

Thanks. And yes, she's great and I think what I do and what we do works for me. As much as anything else, I guess I was curious what other people do... and if there is some consensus about how you're supposed to "do" therapy.  Even having multiple therapists in the family, I honestly, before starting, had most of my ideas from popular culture. 😂

My previous therapy experience a few years ago was really limit - my primary care doc wanted me to see a pain management therapist, and one session in she thought I had a great attitude so we met and just talked personal stuff -mostly about what SHE was going through. So I KNEW that wasn't typical!

Quote...we met and just talked personal stuff -mostly about what SHE was going through. So I KNEW that wasn't typical!

Her talking about her issues might be fairly typical. Years ago, The Atlantic ran a cover story about therapists looking to heal themselves. I think it was called "Wounded Healer."

Before I go to my therapist, I make a checklist of things I want to mention, and then she asks some questions and we go where we go. 

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 16, 2024, 03:11:24 PMHer talking about her issues might be fairly typical. Years ago, The Atlantic ran a cover story about therapists looking to heal themselves. I think it was called "Wounded Healer."

I will google that on the ride to the beach this morning (obviously, I am not driving).

As mentioned, she was a pain management specialist. And we were signed up for 6-sessions via insurance. I did it just to placate my PCP. But literally but midway through the first one, she was like "why are you here?" ;D

So I noticed she had some Stevia drops on her desk and I asked what they were.. and she told me. She was a big woman, and at that point I was 400+ lbs. She told me how she was struggling with her weight, and I said I was kind of thinking of taking another crack at things... and we started talking about stuff... and literally we ended up both kind of motivating each other over the next month.

Although I really got the weight loss thing going, but she had all these family issues going, so after a few weeks I had the weight thing pretty well sorted (seriously - a few weeks and like 10 previous years of trying, so it wasn't "instant") and we spent the rest of the sessions on her. So that's why I am interested in that article.

Ironically, she left to become the head of a department in another hospital.

Sometimes I thought, during our sessions, of talking to her about my "real" issue... and I often wonder if she hadn't left if she would have been to doc to whom I would have originally reached out. I say that because when I was looking for a therapist, I did look her up and tried to contact her via email ... just under the pretense of updating her on my weight loss and all that. But I do wonder if we had connected, would she have been my initial point of contact.

Oh well. Thanks for the article reference. I'll let you know if I track it down!

I look forward to your reaction. You had a front row seat to a wounded healer.

Quotewe spent the rest of the sessions on her...Ironically, she left to become the head of a department in another hospital.

That is ironic, being promoted after failing to deliver, at least to you.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 17, 2024, 07:27:15 AMI look forward to your reaction. You had a front row seat to a wounded healer.

That is ironic, being promoted after failing to deliver, at least to you.

A few reactions - first, couldn't find the article, but I think still accomplished the task. The reason I couldn't find it is that the "wounded healer" is a Jungian construct, which he first wrote about in the late 60's and is now a therapy archetype.

 So there's lots of interesting pieces on it, and certainly is a fascinating way to frame the way professionals work. However it also is germane to the motivation in all of us to help others through the lessons of our mistakes but also to self-heal through that very act of sharing/helping.

As for my original therapist? I would never call her a failure. In fact I give her credit in my personal narrative - maybe simply from right place/ right time, but regardless. I did not need help with pain management - her specialty. But our talks and her attempts at weight loss motivated mine — and having someone that first six weeks holding me accountable as I put my plan together, was crucial. Whether intentional or not.

(That being said? Lovely person. Department head - yeeesh. Peter principle in all its glory. But lovely, lovely person 😘)

Quote from: imallie on February 17, 2024, 12:01:12 PM(That being said? Lovely person. Department head - yeeesh. Peter principle in all its glory. But lovely, lovely person)

Too funny.  I resemble that remark LOL!  The difference for ME, though, is that when people ask me to take a new job, I ask, "Does this put my name in a box on the org chart?"  If "yes", the answer is "NO".  I know my limits and what I'm absolutely horrid at!

~Sara

QuoteA few reactions - first, couldn't find the article, but I think still accomplished the task. The reason I couldn't find it is that the "wounded healer" is a Jungian construct, which he first wrote about in the late 60's and is now a therapy archetype.

 So there's lots of interesting pieces on it, and certainly is a fascinating way to frame the way professionals work. However it also is germane to the motivation in all of us to help others through the lessons of our mistakes but also to self-heal through that very act of sharing/helping.

You sure wrangle words, cowgirl.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 17, 2024, 03:25:36 PMYou sure wrangle words, cowgirl.

I'm trying hard to quit. I'm down to one trochaic tetrameter a day.

Quotetrochaic tetrameter

You made me google ^this,^ girl. Two questions:

1. Where did you learn what a trochaic tetrameter is?

2. Considering you likely never used this term since you learned its meaning, how did you remember it through the decades?

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 18, 2024, 07:19:44 AMYou made me google ^this,^ girl. Two questions:

1. Where did you learn what a trochaic tetrameter is?

2. Considering you likely never used this term since you learned its meaning, how did you remember it through the decades?

Almost certainly in studying Shakespeare. I think that's where I was first introduced to the various meters, and characters speaking in meters (not just in sonnets) and trochees being a BAboo BAboo thing ... (hard followed by a soft) just sticks with you.

The Witches in Macbeth all speak in trochiac tetrameter (which is five of that hard followed by soft in a row)...

But mostly I remember things like that because they're fun to say. Words with "K" sounds are inherently funnier. The word "sheetcake" for example.

And my mind retains bizarre things. I wish I could control the things it keeps and doesn't but it doesn't work that way.

My wife will say "remember ..." about some place we went, a person we met... or something, and I'll have no memory of it.  But yet, there's a spot in my brain for trochaic tetrameter.  Go figure.

Love,
Allie

As bad as mine dear, can remember loads of trivia but faces and names----------

Quote from: imallie on February 18, 2024, 11:44:11 AM...  But yet, there's a spot in my brain for trochaic tetrameter.  Go figure.

Didja know my beloved Grateful Dead sing a song constructed whose lyrics are structured in trochaic rhythms? 'Ramble on Rose' whose lyrics meaning are the subject of debate.'

Just saying. more than one of us has trochaic memory.

~Jenn

Long, fun day down at the beach in RI. Drove to the beach for a morning walk. Got out of the car, said "Absolutely not" (but with many, many profanities) at the 25 degree, 15 mph winds weather and got right back in the car. But then had a great morning with my wife's brother and sister-in-law at their place right near the beach.

Went into Newport for lunch to try this taco place we've really wanted to try for a while... got there and there was a 90-minute wait... got right back in the car and left. Went back and had pizza at this incredible place that actually made the list of one of the top 10 pizza spots in the US this year. And its Neapolitan pizza is deserving.

But here's the highlight (intentionally burying the lede, here)

Went to dinner at one of our favorite seafood spots down here. Ridiculously packed on a Sunday in February (the so-called "off season"). But on our way out, as we were making our way to the parking valet stand to get our car, one of the valets came running up from behind us and said "Can I help you ladies?"

He took the ticket from my wife and ran off into the night to get our car. When we got in the car, my wife (driving) immediately noticed that for some reason, he had lowered her window - it was like 20 degrees out at this point. So the car was ridiculously freezing.

"Is he insane?" She said.

After a beat, as we drove away, I said "Did you hear what he said?"

"Yes," she said.

"It was dark, and from behind. And I REALLY wish he wasn't such a dumb a**, with the window and all." I said. "But, you know. It still counts."

"It still counts, she said.

So ... that was my first time. Sort of. But I'm counting it.

Get used to it dear, once they start it comes in droves like a flock of sheep cascading down a hill . (was that wordy enough for you!!)

Quote from: davina61 on February 19, 2024, 04:00:31 AMGet used to it dear, once they start it comes in droves like a flock of sheep cascading down a hill . (was that wordy enough for you!!)

No notes 👍😘

Quote from: imallie on February 18, 2024, 08:30:25 PMAfter a beat, as we drove away, I said "Did you hear what he said?"

"Yes," she said.

"It was dark, and from behind. And I REALLY wish he wasn't such a dumb a**, with the window and all." I said. "But, you know. It still counts."

"It still counts, she said.

So ... that was my first time. Sort of. But I'm counting it.

Yes, it DEFINITELY counts!  That's wonderful!

~Sara

I wonder if you're moving differently, Allie. Or if you're moving differently in relationship to your wife, i.e. woman with woman rather than man with woman. Or has estrogen shifted some cells? Likely all of the above.

I think I've shared that I wear a man's winter coat. It looks like something a lumberjack or construction worker would wear, being made of super durable fabric. And I have a matching hat too. I love them because they absolutely stop the wind.

Where's the pizza pic, Allie???!!!???

Cute turn of words, Davina: "...comes in droves like a flock of sheep cascading down a hill."

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 19, 2024, 07:32:15 AMI wonder if you're moving differently, Allie. Or if you're moving differently in relationship to your wife, i.e. woman with woman rather than man with woman. Or has estrogen shifted some cells? Likely all of the above.

I think I've shared that I wear a man's winter coat. It looks like something a lumberjack or construction worker would wear, being made of super durable fabric. And I have a matching hat too. I love them because they absolutely stop the wind.

Where's the pizza pic, Allie???!!!???

Cute turn of words, Davina: "...comes in droves like a flock of sheep cascading down a hill."

He REALLY was a dumb a*ss... so ... 🤔

But in all seriousness, we weren't holding hands (which we often do) since we had gloves on and it was freezing out. And I did have on women's pants, but not sure you could see that in the dark. I think it was mostly my long hair (in the back). Still down to the wood up top.  Nothing to be done about that, naturally anyway.

As for pizza?

Pasquale's pizza in South Kingstown RI.

https://pasqualespizzeriari.com/#

 That's the spot. They literally are printing money too. Can't imagine trying to get in there in the summer. Wow. But the magic of the Neopolitan pizza is it cooks in like 4 minutes. So they can get things to you lightening quick.

 

That pizza parlor sure has a visually tasty website. Makes me want to go, go, go.

Well, I'm headed out to walk in the wind. You know New England's springs: It blows and blows.

So, you wouldn't think a  "Check Engine" light could suddenly initiate head-spinning chaos... and yet...

Our son texted mid-day today saying that, while coming out of a meeting said light in his car came on. He wondered if he should head home and try to bring it in to get looked at. We told him to call first, and the shop said they couldn't fit him in, but they could on Thursday morning.

So he texted later, and said he's now planning on coming home tomorrow night, sleeping here, and then dropping the car off on Thursday morning and working remote from our house while any work is done.

So when my wife got home, I said... "isn't this a gift? Don't we need to tell him tomorrow night instead of waiting until after my birthday dinner on Saturday?"

We went through it, and it seems like a no-brainer:

WED. Telling him tomorrow, he'll then be here all night and on Thursday... so he'll have time to process it while here, if he wants to talk or ask any question. Plus, we'll see him again on Saturday.
SAT. Telling him Saturday, after dinner... afterwards he'd basically just be heading home on his own, which might be awkward. And we wouldn't be seeing him again probably until Easter.

WED. Telling him Wed means gets it over with 24 hours from now.
SAT. Telling him AFTER we go out to dinner for my birthday, means there's like a 50% chance that the sushi dinner I will be eating will NOT sit well with me, due to nerves.

The only real downside is it gives me no time to really prepare what to to say.... But honestly I am sure I was going to wing it anyway. I had written a whole letter to my wife (something she was unaware of until TONIGHT actually), but I probably ended up using like 10% of it in the moment.

The other thing is, he's no dummy. I don't think he's ever seen me on a Wednesday evening. Wednesday is my electrolysis day. I really think by the time I've driven home, my face looks a lot better from the session... but it's still kind of rosy that evening. He would certainly notice.  So it's kind of good that he might notice. That might actually spur the discussion.

Anyway... it's still possible that he ends up coming home late tomorrow night (after my wife has gone to bed). If that's the case, and he's then gone on Thursday before she gets back... then the plan will revert to Saturday. We both agree it's best if I tell him when it's the three of us together.

Stay tuned...

Hey Allie,

No matter when you tell him and what spurs the discussion, you have a lot of people cheering for you. I hope it goes well. I don't believe I am alone feeling that either. This is a big moment in your journey. A lot of people here are behind you.

I hope in the end one of my support group sayings applies --"Mae's Law: it is always worse in your head."

sending good thoughts,

Jenn

I'm glad you're telling him sooner than the original plan. Speaking generally, some people can feel left behind if the process is underway and THEN they're told.

As I shared earlier, I share your anxiety, but not because I have a sense that he might react badly (I don't know him, therefore I have no sense of how he'll react beyond this: His youth and his rearing are on his side and yours.) I share your anxiety because it's a horribly hard thing to do and the unknown doubles the difficulty. So, get it done and be done with it. 

You've been in locker rooms. You had a boyhood. You know that the quickest way to mock another male is to compare them to a female. We all were raised to disdain the feminine. I was scarred by that and whereas I can't speak for anyone else at Susan's, I assume others were too.

On the other hand, if he's being paying attention, you've been spraying clues like one of those t-shirt guns. Your baking and craftiness (Remember the cute fonts you created for that one batch of yummies?) are obvious ones, but your attention to others is even more telling. Look at this past Valentine's Day. You baked for your wife and you baked for you electrologist too and come Christmas, you'll become a Gatling t-shirt gun of giving, with all the gifts gussied.

First of all, thank you Jenn & O&C - can't tell you how much it means to me to know a couple of folks here have my back. I really mean that! ❤️

But secondly... it didn't happen. 🤮

Despite a day full of stress (my electrologist had to keep taking breaks to allow me to sigh... 🙄😂)... it was at least good that my wife and I had an excellent discussion about the whole thing over dinner as we awaited for our son to arrive...

And as I type this at 8:40 pm he just texted "eta 9:20 - love you"

He got caught up at work, and then as we sat waiting... we assumed he would text when he was on his way, but thought maybe he hadn't so mentally we didn't shut it down until probably 8 pm... and then about 2 minutes after that he texted to say he was delayed and so my wife started her process of getting ready for bed.

She goes to work at around 6:00 am, gets up at 5:00 am... so she tends to go into bed around 9 and reads a bit... so there's just no way to have started something like this once it got to 8 pm, really.

So we're back on for the Saturday plan. Meaning, today was just an stress-filled dry run. And Saturday will be a birthday dinner to remember, I guess. Although I don't imagine I'm going to enjoy the meal much.  At least my actual birthday (Friday) when my wife and I go out, I'll be able to enjoy that.

Nice thing is, when the boy gets home in a bit he and will, I'm sure, stay up talking for a while like we normally do. For the last time before the world shifts.

Love, and mentally frayed
Allie

Oh, Allie, waiting is so hard. Maybe your world will shift. Maybe not. I still have friends who knew me way back when. 

QuoteAlthough I don't imagine I'm going to enjoy the meal much.

^This^ breaks my heart. I don't believe in platitudes. I wince at the thought of assuring you that everything will be fine because no one knows and least of all your Internet pals who've never met you and your family. If pressed to guess, I'm guessing that all will be well. Your son wasn't raised to hate. Your son loves you. I'm guessing you'll gain another ally, but like you, we won't know until it happens. I wish Saturday were right now.

Oh dear, O&C, I suppose nothing can be taken for granted... but "hate" isn't something I really have on my worry list.

It's more along the line of disappointment, I suppose. The idea of letting him down, of making his life more complicated when he's at an age when he's working so hard to establish his career and his place in the world... all that kind of stuff.

I absolutely expect, as does my wife, that it may well take him some time to process it... and he could have questions, and maybe he will react in ways unexpected, at first. All of those are in the cauldron of witches brew that will not pair well with the sushi I'll be downing in copious amounts at the birthday celebration dinner on Saturday.

He and I just sat and chatted for couple of hours and it was wonderful, as always. So long as that bond remains when the dust settles, along with my wife's support, I'm good to go regardless of what else is next.

Hey Allie,

I have said this before in my own blog-- transition is a leap of faith, followed by another leap of faith, and another... and yup, a few more after that. Sometimes you land on your feet, sometimes you have to dust yourself off. You are going to get this done. what seems like a huge leap might be smaller than you think. I mean Mrs Allie raised him too..

You have every right to feel nervous. You have so many plusses. You might land on your feet, you seem to have a knack for that. Maybe your family needs time and that's ok too.

and you know what? it'll all settle, you, Mrs Allie, and son will be great. Then you get to go on to the next moment in your story and take another leap...

you and family got this. enjoy that dinner.

Jenn

Morning all -

A little maudlin and reflective on my birthday today. I have never cared much about celebrating my birthday to begin with, so the idea of my "special day" always elicits an eye roll from me.

But even so, we have a tradition here... and I woke up to my wife having put up the "Happy Birthday" sign in the kitchen and hung up a bunch of balloon ... plus a lovely card. I've had calls, texts, FaceTimes and emails from my sisters, lots of my friends... and I haven't even looked at Facebook yet.

And yet... I can't help but think only one thing - how much different will all this be NEXT year? How many of these same people will still be around? Will still be as enthusiastic. Like I said, I could really care less about the birthday thing... but the contrast between this year and next, I think even I would have a hard time not noticing that.

But really, all is good. My wife and I will go out to one of our favorite spots for dinner tonight (fish tacos - you know... no meat during Lent (we aren't very religious but yet, for some reason, this is something she's always done so... it's something I now "always" do...). 

And then tomorrow is sushi and telling the boy.

Hi Allie

This is just another happy birthday but a more rare one.  This one comes all the way from down under, it has traveled a long way to get to you.

All that happens on mine is just a few text messages or a phone call.  "Just another day"[1]

I'm cheering from down here and hopping all goes well with your son.

Take care and all the best for the future

Best Wishes, Hugs and have a great day.
Sarah B
@imallie
[1] "Just Another Day", from "Fifty First Dates" by Paul McCartney

Thanks so much Sarah! 😘

Hi Allie

Quote from: imallie on February 23, 2024, 10:22:00 AMThanks so much Sarah! 😘

You are more than welcome.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B

QuoteAnd yet... I can't help but think only one thing - how much different will all this be NEXT year? How many of these same people will still be around? Will still be as enthusiastic. Like I said, I could really care less about the birthday thing... but the contrast between this year and next, I think even I would have a hard time not noticing that.

You are brave and true to wonder and worry. I find many/most people pooh-pooh mortality. They look away from the changes that time and aging bring and few of these changes are good. And many pretend that wisdom, sometimes/mostly imagined, offsets the losses. Talk to really old people and they'll tell you that a big, sad component of their lives are the funerals. Plus, I already realize that I'm half a ghost, that I can approach young people and be unseen.

However, your transition, unlike aging, won't just take and take. It will give too, to you and to the ones who slowly realize you've been living in an exoskeleton that you've needed to shuck for decades. I just got off the phone with a girlfriend and we made plans to meet. I'm meeting a couple more gal pals tomorrow morning. I treasure my female friends and how we're free to talk about the things that matter to us. I also treasure how tender men can be toward me. So, yes, there will likely be losses, but there will be gains too.

Already half a ghost.  How true!
Two strikes for those youngsters against us.  Boomer, say no more, and over 60.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 23, 2024, 11:26:58 AMYou are brave and true to wonder and worry. I find many/most people pooh-pooh mortality. They look away from the changes that time and aging bring and few of these changes are good. And many pretend that wisdom, sometimes/mostly imagined, offsets the losses. Talk to really old people and they'll tell you that a big, sad component of their lives are the funerals. Plus, I already realize that I'm half a ghost, that I can approach young people and be unseen.

However, your transition, unlike aging, won't just take and take. It will give too, to you and to the ones who slowly realize you've been living in an exoskeleton that you've needed to shuck for decades. I just got off the phone with a girlfriend and we made plans to meet. I'm meeting a couple more gal pals tomorrow morning. I treasure my female friends and how we're free to talk about the things that matter to us. I also treasure how tender men can be toward me. So, yes, there will likely be losses, but there will be gains too.

Sounds like such a wonderful, life you've carved out.  ❤️

When we were at dinner, I got a few texts from some friends I hadn't heard from in ages... it was really nice.

And so it spurred me to tell my wife what I was thinking. About how, it's nice that all these people are reaching out this year... but it'll be interesting to see who does and who does not next year.

She paused... looked at me, and said simply:

"F*ck 'em"

Love her to death.

Hope you had a wonderful birthday dinner

Ellen

QuoteShe paused... looked at me, and said simply:

"F*ck 'em"

Love her to death.

What.

a.

woman.

Good Morning Allie,

Sounds like today is the day and while I know first hand the anxiety you are feeling I am confident that today will go well. 

Why?  Because I feel certain your son has inherited your's and your wife's loving and compassionate manner. There will be some questions, maybe some moments of silence but eventually you two will return to debating the relative merits of otoro versus akami. 

Big Hugs Allie, you are going to do great!

Brooke 

Quote from: Brooke Renee on February 24, 2024, 08:11:30 AMGood Morning Allie,

Sounds like today is the day and while I know first hand the anxiety you are feeling I am confident that today will go well. 

Why?  Because I feel certain your son has inherited your's and your wife's loving and compassionate manner. There will be some questions, maybe some moments of silence but eventually you two will return to debating the relative merits of otoro versus akami. 

Big Hugs Allie, you are going to do great!

Brooke 

Thanks Brooke!

Yes, today is the day.

In a weird way... because of all the stress that we went through on Thursday on the failure to launch day, I feel like ... maybe this will be easier? Probably not in the moment, but at least now, about 10 hours before it will happen, I don't yet feel stressed.

We still have a bunch of things that are good to do today:

My wife and I are going to our favorite Pho restaurant for lunch.

My beloved Mets have their first spring training game on TV (they have yet to be eliminated from contention yet...)

And then the boy should arrive around 4:30, as we have a 5 pm dinner res.  After dinner we'll come back here for presents and "the talk."

Fingers crossed.

Love,
Allie

P.S.
You left out chutoro. 😘. One of the greatest things about this omakase we did this summer was the sushi chef prepared a "flight" of tuna pieces for us, in order from least to fattiest, akami, chutoro and otoro. You could really see/taste the big differences having them back-to-back-to-back like that.

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:54:43 AMMy beloved Mets have their first spring training game on TV (they have yet to be eliminated from contention yet...)

Love this! 

Two phrases you will NEVER hear in Washington State:
    1.  "you know, I'm just not really into flannel"

    2.  "that's it folks, the Mariners just won the World Series".


A friend of mine and I were enjoying our weekly sushi lunch and on a whim he stepped outside of his standard order and went with some otoro nigiri.  After one piece he decided it was not his vibe and offered the remainder to me.  I found it absolutely amazing!  Score!  There's a sushi place I frequent in Anchorage that offers an excellent menu of grades of salmon.  Their King Salmon (Masunosuke?) is to die for, pretty much the salmon version of otoro.  So good. I can (and I have tried) to eat my weight in sushi. 


Have a great day Allie, I eagerly await an update! 


Brooke

What Brooke said because Brooke nailed it.

Quote from: Brooke Renee on February 24, 2024, 09:23:41 AMLove this! 

Two phrases you will NEVER hear in Washington State:
    1.  "you know, I'm just not really into flannel"

    2.  "that's it folks, the Mariners just won the World Series".


A friend of mine and I were enjoying our weekly sushi lunch and on a whim he stepped outside of his standard order and went with some otoro nigiri.  After one piece he decided it was not his vibe and offered the remainder to me.  I found it absolutely amazing!  Score!  There's a sushi place I frequent in Anchorage that offers an excellent menu of grades of salmon.  Their King Salmon (Masunosuke?) is to die for, pretty much the salmon version of otoro.  So good. I can (and I have tried) to eat my weight in sushi. 


Have a great day Allie, I eagerly await an update! 


Brooke

Sure looked like they were going to get there in 2001..

Allie,

I'm glad baseball is back regardless of the team. Glad you're getting the chance to enjoy the Mets via tv. Hugs

Mariah

Well... THAT happened.  ;D

For those who are tired of my incessant ramblings ... I'll just say: "success"
For those who prefer their information even more condensed:  :icon_dance:

For those willing to tolerate my typical, well, "me-ness"... strap in...

Dinner was great. As mentioned earlier, even before he arrived I said to my wife I felt like there was something to this idea that Thursday's dry run had literally sucked the nervousness and stress from the marrow of my bones. There was nothing left.

I expected it to return during dinner, but thankfully, it did not.

At one point during dinner, however, the boy mentioned that his plans later this evening were to visit with some local high school friends and then do his food shopping on the way home. I didn't really bump on that, other that I felt a twinge of guilt if our discussion was going to blow up his plans. At least it wasn't some big scheduled thing.

Still, when we got back to the house and my wife and I started to walk inside, he made a "tsk" sound and followed that with a long "oooookayyyyy...."

I immediately realized his plans were to head DIRECTLY TO his friends' place now, without coming inside. This was the aborted Christmas week plans, Thursday's late arrival, and all other "failures to launch" over the last 4-5 months all over again.

And I think, were I nervous, I would have welcomed the reprieve from the Governor. But instead I said "No, come in for a few minutes for dessert. Even if you're too full to eat it. Mom got stuff, so come in."

So in he came. My wife shot me a look which said "Nicely done" or "I would have bet a million dollars you were not going to do that". I prefer think it was the former.

Once in, we all sat on the couch, with no pretense of dessert... and I began. All I had scripted in my head was the first line. I thought "I need to TELL you something..." seemed too parental and scolding, and also a bit foreboding. So, instead I went with "I want to SHARE something with you..."  It brings him in.... instantly makes him PART of the whole thing.

I was really proud of that. My wife thought it was really good too. Not as good as I did, but, good nonetheless.

Yeah, it was a complete failure.

As soon as I got "share" out... his eyes opened as wide as dinner plates.  I think if I had to tell him to THAT expression... there was no way it was going to work.

So the next thing that came out of my mouth, with all love and compassion (swear to God) was "Stop doing that with your face"  ;D

I told him no one is dying, no one is sick or injured, nothing is wrong, mom and I great... everything is good... so, again, please stop doing that with your face.

Once he complied, I said, matter-of-factly that I was trans.

His face did not go back to the big-eyed state.

What followed was just 45 minutes of him telling me how much he loved me and supported me and that I had nothing to apologize for... I told him the brief history of the last 4-5 years: starting therapy, telling his mom.... electrolysis, hormones, etc. Got him up to speed with what's been going on and where things stand.  He asked about pronouns, what he should call me (I said there's one person in the whole world who calls me dad - that will never change)... and he asked if I had any doubt he'd be fine with it? I told him I was more concerned about the burden I was placing on him... and he was good with it.

My wife talked about how he obviously will need time to process it, but how good we are, and he asked more about if there were any concerns with my health.. and what about future procedures, did THOSE bring with them any risks, and he just wanted to be in the loop on health things.

Then we all talked about next steps for telling family and such.

I said I'd really like him to be able to talk to his friends about this, but I think until we tell our siblings, that needs to wait. And he understood. His best friend's sister is non-binary so he'd really like to speak with him... but he knows it makes sense to wait.

We talked about a lot more. We hugged. We kept telling him to go to his friends, but he kept staying.

None of us wanted birthday dessert (still too full from dinner).

After a while, he wanted one more hug, and while we were embracing, I leaned in to him, and whispered softly to him "A birthday card would have killed you?"

He laughed, broke the hug, hugged his mom and said his goodbyes.

So yeah... THAT happened.

Love,
Allie

Oh heck, I forgot to share this little tidbit. I still honestly can't believe it, but, nonetheless, it happened.

During dinner I got up to use the restroom.

Although the wife and I had been to this restaurant twice before, neither of us had used the bathrooms, so we weren't certain where they were. But, you know, we had an idea.

So I wandered to the general vicinity, and the head waiter saw me, and I asked him where the restroom was.

He said "right this way.." (which was a bit annoying, instead of just pointing)

So he led me down the corridor, and the proceeded to open and hold the door for me.

It was only after I was inside that I realized... hey.. this is the women's room.

Now, it was just a single, so it wasn't that big of a deal (meaning no one else was there). And maybe the men's room was out of order and that's why he did it? But when I came out he wasn't keeping watch or anything.

Because of everything going on last night it all just sort of felt like one more clown cramming into the tiny car. But upon reflection... it was both cool and weird. The very obvious lack of hair atop my head at present makes it just hard to quite understand.

After the dust settled of telling our son, I did share this story with both my wife and our son, by the way. They both agreed it was really cool AND weird. LOL

Glad to hear everything went really well, Allie! More than just well, I'd dare to say. This was a very important items on your checklist and I am sure you are glad to see it checked.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Like my friend says (and I agree) trust in the universe as thing fall into place at the correct time, BTW we all knew your boy would be fine just look at his parents.

Quote from: davina61 on February 25, 2024, 03:10:43 AMBTW we all knew your boy would be fine just look at his parents.

^^^^^^^ yeah, that.


Hey Allie-- exhale along with everyone else here. This is a validation of you as a woman. More importantly, it is a validation of you and Mrs. Allie's parenting.

on to the next leap.

~Jenn

Thanks Heidimarie, Davina and Jenn - much appreciated.

And Jenn... yes, onto the next step! But, um... maybe in a week or two? This girl needs to sit down for a spell. 😘

Quote from: imallie on February 25, 2024, 06:57:00 AMThanks Heidimarie, Davina and Jenn - much appreciated.

And Jenn... yes, onto the next step! But, um... maybe in a week or two? This girl needs to sit down for a spell. 😘

You do you, at your own pace.

Besides... my intuition thinks your son is going to have a few weeks worth of questions. Big Hint-- you might make a mental note to check in and explicitly ask him a few times in the next couple of weeks.

~Jenn

Quote from: imallie on February 25, 2024, 06:57:00 AMThis girl needs to sit down for a spell. 😘

Ha! Well-deserved.

Good Morning Allie!!

I am so happy to hear that "the" talk went well.  Even though every rational metric pointed toward success, those facts sadly provide scant defense against the anxiety of the moment.  But here you are, life is good, the day is bright, and love reigns at Allie Manor. 

Big Hugs Girl, you have an amazing family! 


Brooke 

Finally... Glad it went well🥰 We were all counting on you. The things we worry about the most usually never happen. Sounds like a twofer. Woman's restroom and coming out all in the same day. Wow. Congratulations
Hugs Gina

Allie

So happy it went so well for you.  :icon_dance:  :icon_geekdance:  :icon_yes:

Ellen

Quote from: Gina P on February 25, 2024, 08:42:59 AMFinally... Glad it went well🥰 We were all counting on you. The things we worry about the most usually never happen. Sounds like a twofer. Woman's restroom and coming out all in the same day. Wow. Congratulations
Hugs Gina

Thanks Brooke, Gina and Ellen!

And Gina... as for the bathroom thing? It's still a hazy mystery. I mean... it sort of counts?

Like, if I were to be hooked up to a polygraph today and asked "Since beginning your transition, have you ever used a women's restroom?" I would be forced to answer in the affirmative.

But then again, those things are notoriously janky, and I think I could beat it. 😘

My wife and I were lying in bed this morning and we had a conversation NOT about telling the boy, but "what happened with that bathroom thing?"... so like I said, it did happen. But... it was more commotion than confirmation.

BTW we were texting with the boy this afternoon about getting him a new set of tires, and some health care round table he was setting up for his boss... so... same ol, same ol. 👍😁
 

:) You male failed.  LOL, Congratulations.  I fondly remember that happening to me a lot in my teens.  Those were the days. I really could have been a cute girl if my endocrinologist had given me E instead of T.

I am starting to think you aren't going to shock too many people when you get around to coming out to them. 

Hi Allie

It's nice to hear how you are going.

Quote from: imallie on February 23, 2024, 05:01:31 PMSounds like such a wonderful, life you've carved out.  ❤️

When we were at dinner, I got a few texts from some friends I hadn't heard from in ages... it was really nice.

I wonder what they want?

Quote from: imallie on February 23, 2024, 05:01:31 PMAnd so it spurred me to tell my wife what I was thinking. About how, it's nice that all these people are reaching out this year... but it'll be interesting to see who does and who does not next year.

You will find out sooner or later, who your true friends are.

Quote from: imallie on February 23, 2024, 05:01:31 PMShe paused... looked at me, and said simply:

"F*ck 'em"

Love her to death.

I got to love her response, never a truer word spoken and that tells me a lot about her.

Love and Hugs to both of you
Sarah B
PS I have not read that post yet.  I going back to read it!

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 25, 2024, 10:54:24 PM:) You male failed.  LOL, Congratulations.  I fondly remember that happening to me a lot in my teens.  Those were the days. I really could have been a cute girl if my endocrinologist had given me E instead of T.

I am starting to think you aren't going to shock too many people when you get around to coming out to them. 

Maaaaaaaybe, Rachel. Maybe. 🤔

With my long hair (in the back) and pink frames... I definitely send some signals, but the mostly balding crown really cancels those out. Plus most people see what they want/expect to see.

For example, last night was the first time our son saw my glasses. So, after we told him and during our conversation I asked about them. He said he definitely noticed them... but thought they were more purple/brownish.  I think more proof that people make facts fit their narrative.

So I do think, after we tell people, they will look back and rewrite past events into a narrative of "I should have known" 😂

Even so... we can't help think there may have indeed been "male fail" in the bathroom event. We still aren't sure. We can't wait to go back so we can investigate further.  Plus we love the sushi. Mostly, we love the sushi, actually. Going back just to check out the bathroom situation would be really sad. 🙄

Hi Allie

Of course I went back and I read your story in total awe of what happened

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:42:54 PMWell... THAT happened.  ;D

For those who are tired of my incessant ramblings ... I'll just say: "success"
For those who prefer their information even more condensed:  :icon_dance:

For those willing to tolerate my typical, well, "me-ness"... strap in...

Dinner was great. As mentioned earlier, even before he arrived I said to my wife I felt like there was something to this idea that Thursday's dry run had literally sucked the nervousness and stress from the marrow of my bones. There was nothing left.

I expected it to return during dinner, but thankfully, it did not.

It's good to hear that you were free of the nervousness and stress, I will never know that type of situation as my uncle revealed what I was doing to my mum.  Fear as others have said, is what stops us in our tracks and it all comes to nothing in the end.

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:42:54 PMAt one point during dinner, however, the boy mentioned that his plans later this evening were to visit with some local high school friends and then do his food shopping on the way home. I didn't really bump on that, other that I felt a twinge of guilt if our discussion was going to blow up his plans. At least it wasn't some big scheduled thing.

Still, when we got back to the house and my wife and I started to walk inside, he made a "tsk" sound and followed that with a long "oooookayyyyy...."

I immediately realized his plans were to head DIRECTLY TO his friends' place now, without coming inside. This was the aborted Christmas week plans, Thursday's late arrival, and all other "failures to launch" over the last 4-5 months all over again.

And I think, were I nervous, I would have welcomed the reprieve from the Governor. But instead I said "No, come in for a few minutes for dessert. Even if you're too full to eat it. Mom got stuff, so come in."

Yes you are right, your incessant ramblings, but that is what makes the story.  Even I start of with a couple of lines and it ends in a wall of text.  I want to hear the rest of the story, lock stock and barrel.  As you have described over several pages and posts, your detailed, exquisite plans came to naught, zero, not a brass razoo.  In other words, "The best laid schemes of mice and men", totally failed.  The irony is not lost on me

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:42:54 PMSo in he came. My wife shot me a look which said "Nicely done" or "I would have bet a million dollars you were not going to do that". I prefer think it was the former.

Tag team operation beginning

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:42:54 PMOnce in, we all sat on the couch, with no pretense of dessert... and I began. All I had scripted in my head was the first line. I thought "I need to TELL you something..." seemed too parental and scolding, and also a bit foreboding. So, instead I went with "I want to SHARE something with you..."  It brings him in.... instantly makes him PART of the whole thing.

I was really proud of that. My wife thought it was really good too. Not as good as I did, but, good nonetheless.

Yeah, it was a complete failure.

As soon as I got "share" out... his eyes opened as wide as dinner plates.  I think if I had to tell him to THAT expression... there was no way it was going to work.

So the next thing that came out of my mouth, with all love and compassion (swear to God) was "Stop doing that with your face"  ;D

I told him no one is dying, no one is sick or injured, nothing is wrong, mom and I great... everything is good... so, again, please stop doing that with your face.

The preamble to the main event

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:42:54 PMOnce he complied, I said, matter-of-factly that I was trans.

His face did not go back to the big-eyed state.

One simple statement and you succeeded beyond your wildest expectations.

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:42:54 PMWhat followed was just 45 minutes of him telling me how much he loved me and supported me and that I had nothing to apologize for... I told him the brief history of the last 4-5 years: starting therapy, telling his mom.... electrolysis, hormones, etc. Got him up to speed with what's been going on and where things stand.  He asked about pronouns, what he should call me (I said there's one person in the whole world who calls me dad - that will never change)... and he asked if I had any doubt he'd be fine with it? I told him I was more concerned about the burden I was placing on him... and he was good with it.

My wife talked about how he obviously will need time to process it, but how good we are, and he asked more about if there were any concerns with my health.. and what about future procedures, did THOSE bring with them any risks, and he just wanted to be in the loop on health things.

Then we all talked about next steps for telling family and such.

I'm euphoric that the outcome was far beyond your wildest expectations and your son showed his 'unconditional love' for you.  Long time ago, me and my uncle discussed who would accept me and who would not.  So it's good to hear that you are discussing this particular issue.

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 08:42:54 PMI said I'd really like him to be able to talk to his friends about this, but I think until we tell our siblings, that needs to wait. And he understood. His best friend's sister is non-binary so he'd really like to speak with him... but he knows it makes sense to wait.

We talked about a lot more. We hugged. We kept telling him to go to his friends, but he kept staying.

None of us wanted birthday dessert (still too full from dinner).

After a while, he wanted one more hug, and while we were embracing, I leaned in to him, and whispered softly to him "A birthday card would have killed you?"

He laughed, broke the hug, hugged his mom and said his goodbyes.

So yeah... THAT happened.

Love,
Allie

All's well that ends well.  Is what comes to mind, but that does not convey what really transpired that night.  I'm sure, no I'm absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you will remember this moment in time forever.

Love and Hugs to your family
Sarah B

Hi Allie

The stories you tell, please bring them on.

Quote from: imallie on February 24, 2024, 11:03:19 PMOh heck, I forgot to share this little tidbit. I still honestly can't believe it, but, nonetheless, it happened.

During dinner I got up to use the restroom.

Although the wife and I had been to this restaurant twice before, neither of us had used the bathrooms, so we weren't certain where they were. But, you know, we had an idea.

So I wandered to the general vicinity, and the head waiter saw me, and I asked him where the restroom was.

He said "right this way.." (which was a bit annoying, instead of just pointing)

So he led me down the corridor, and the proceeded to open and hold the door for me.

It was only after I was inside that I realized... hey.. this is the women's room.

Now, it was just a single, so it wasn't that big of a deal (meaning no one else was there). And maybe the men's room was out of order and that's why he did it? But when I came out he wasn't keeping watch or anything.

Because of everything going on last night it all just sort of felt like one more clown cramming into the tiny car. But upon reflection... it was both cool and weird. The very obvious lack of hair atop my head at present makes it just hard to quite understand.

After the dust settled of telling our son, I did share this story with both my wife and our son, by the way. They both agreed it was really cool AND weird. LOL

You have now been correctly identified as a female, twice, from what I know.  May be the waiter was blind as a bat or a mole.

In all seriousness now, something that I never considered and it was only recently that I put two and two together.  I always wondered when I was talking with colleagues and friends and the proverbial question of, "how old are you"?  Came up.

I would say, "how old do you think I am?  The answer was invariably 10 years younger or so than what I was and then I would tell them what my age was.  They would turn around and say I don't believe you, so I would pull out my driving license and show them it.  I would then watch their faces, show total and utter disbelief.

The reasons being, one my grandmother had beautiful skin and two it was the hormones silly!  You are nearly one year into hormone therapy and the changes to your face are occurring.  You and your wife may not notice it but others will if they have not seen you for a long time.

So expect to be correctly gendered more often from now on.  Oh one last thing before I go for you to consider, there are women out there with 'alopecia' and you have that problem as well, tied in with your long hair and soft facial features.  No wonder why you are being correctly gendered.

Love and Hugs to your family
Sarah B

Yes the guess my age thing, nearly always a good 10 to 20 years out the right way! Wearing my very dirty torn and shabby work gear the other day I got "this lady was first" from a man in my local shop and he didn't have any clues to go on apart from my wig and face.

QuoteYes the guess my age thing, nearly always a good 10 to 20 years out the right way!

Estrogen is the fountain of youth at first, but in the end, women tend to look older than men of the same age. You can see that on the street with the wife in some older couples looking more like the husband's mother. And I can certainly see the tendency of women looking older than same-aged men in my mirror. I'm okay with it. It gives me the superpower of invisibility.

Hi Allie and Davina

Please take notes of the highlighted part.

Quote from: davina61 on February 26, 2024, 03:56:06 AMYes the guess my age thing, nearly always a good 10 to 20 years out the right way! Wearing my very dirty torn and shabby work gear the other day I got "this lady was first" from a man in my local shop and he didn't have any clues to go on apart from my wig and face.

I rest my case!

Best Wishes and Hugs to all
Sarah B

Thanks Sarah! I think you're correct in that it'll start happening more, but also O&C is onto something I think really works in my favor... being over 50 (ok, nearly 60)... adds a veneer of near invisibility. So it's not like people will be looking that hard to begin with.  So I really think if I get the hair thing right, that will help.

BTW, just scheduled a session with my therapist to break down the play-by-play of this past weekend, and talk about our takeaways as we go forward for the rest of the year.

I know, I know... Sorry... you can take the girl out of athletics, but you can't take the athletics out of the girl. 😉

QuoteSo I really think if I get the hair thing right, that will help.

Yep.

There are older women with little hair up top. You see a lot more scalp than hair. Their lack of hair doesn't get them misgendered. However, when women lose most of their hair, their hair loss is evenly dispersed all over. No chrome dome.

Hi Allie

You mention this

Quote from: imallie on February 26, 2024, 08:48:13 AMThanks Sarah! I think you're correct in that it'll start happening more, but also O&C is onto something I think really works in my favor... being over 50 (ok, nearly 60)... adds a veneer of near invisibility. So it's not like people will be looking that hard to begin with.  So I really think if I get the hair thing right, that will help.

BTW, just scheduled a session with my therapist to break down the play-by-play of this past weekend, and talk about our takeaways as we go forward for the rest of the year.

I know, I know... Sorry... you can take the girl out of athletics, but you can't take the athletics out of the girl. 😉

Just a few points my grandmother had thinning hair as far as I know, but it still was long, my mums hair was thick and long (I'm so jealous) and my hair has thinned and is still long with a head full of hair.  In other words, I take after my grandmother in skin and hair department go figure (genes).

If you have read any of my posts, you will come across the following, got dressed, put some make up on (little) or not and I did my hair in a plait, braid or bun. Then I went on my way.

I know my hair length allowed me to pass instantly even on my first holiday (read first outing).

So with that in mind, what you said in 'bold' and what I mentioned about my hair.  You have a recipe for success. So yes, work on the hair problem it will help you no end. In addition clothes and makeup will help you also.  Remember people tend to look at peoples faces first, to basically find out if they are male or female.

All the best for the future.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

Very jealous, Sarah!

I can tell by just how much a little thing like my glasses makes a difference, so it's clear to me how huge having hair like yours would be. Glad it helped your landing be a bit softer!

My grandfather had a thick, healthy head of hair until he passed at age 99. Unfortunately, he was totally gray at 20. My dad didn't gray until his 40's... but by the time I was in high school, his hairline was retreating faster than a vegan from a pig roast.

I got the WORST of both worlds. I was gray at 16, and while my hair was really thick in my 30's... after that, it just decided to abandon ship.

So ... while it's still thick on the sides, and growing out in the back, I'm going to need some solution up top. And with our plan to be living at the beach, we'd prefer something hale and hearty that can handle beach life. So my therapist put me in touch with someone who is an expert in the state... and I reached out several months ago.  But now that we've told the boy, hopefully we can schedule something and start exploring more.

Still probably can't do something until more people know, but we can be ready to do so.

Had an excellent, productive session with my therapist. After the "recap" portion of our program (she has been telling me for a year that the boy would be fine... and I'm sure most of me knew she was correct) I really wanted to talk to her about strategies for next steps, and she was really helpful in suggesting some different methods that my wife and I can modify to suit our needs.

Our specific challenges are:
We both have extremely large families (a dozen combined siblings, nearly 30 nephews and nieces)
ALL of our family are out of state (most are with 90 minutes, but some much further)

We have some very close friends we'd like to tell directly
All of those are out of state (most of those are at least 2 hours away, many further)

She suggested setting up "buckets" - grouping like folks together into lists and then writing a basic letter/email for each group (that could be customized as needed for the individual).

Then, we could either just click "send" and boom it's over... (but that won't work for us)..

Or more likely, for the buckets we want to tell in person, we could send them the note in advance of a setup meeting (or zoom... which was an excellent idea) so they wouldn't be forced to confront something in person if they were uncomfortable. They could then chose whether or not to still show up.

There are more variations on this, and I've got them all noted, and mentioned to my wife that I had this conversation with my therapist and that we can chat about it and she was happy about it.

I am curious how others handled both their families and their larger communities when it came to getting the word out. Would appreciate hearing the different successes and/or lessons learned.

Thanks!
Allie

QuoteI am curious how others handled both their families and their larger communities when it came to getting the word out.

I could only have so many face-to-face conversations. They were just too hard on me. So, I told a core of people that I thought would be good ambassadors and had them tell others. My problem is the runaway nature of "good" ambassadors. When you share something as juicy as this, they don't want to stop sharing. Many people like to be seen as a hub of information. So, when they step into that role, they don't want to step out and like a game of telephone, the more a story is told, the more it's deformed.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 27, 2024, 10:16:46 AMI could only have so many face-to-face conversations. They were just too hard on me. So, I told a core of people that I thought would be good ambassadors and had them tell others. My problem is the runaway nature of "good" ambassadors. When you share something as juicy as this, they don't want to stop sharing. Many people like to be seen as a hub of information. So, when they step into that role, they don't want to step out and like a game of telephone, the more a story is told, the more it's deformed.

I had mentioned to my therapist the idea of telling my sibs, and then allowing them to tell their kids (my nephews/nieces).  She said that no matter how well-intentioned a game of telephone is... people always get things wrong in the telling.

So what she recommended was that I give them (my sibs) a separate note aimed at their kids (or just the generic one for "others") and let them know they can share it with their kids whenever they wish. So it still empowers them to be ambassadors but it keeps us in (relative) control of the messaging.

Have not discussed this with the wife, but that's the advice, anyway.

It's funny how you both used the "telephone" game analogy. 😁

Quote from: imallie on February 27, 2024, 09:57:18 AMI am curious how others handled both their families and their larger communities when it came to getting the word out. Would appreciate hearing the different successes and/or lessons learned.

Thanks!
Allie

I think it's really important to stay in control of the narrative. As O&C experienced, having others spread the word often allows misinformation to sprout and spread.

My situation was a bit unique, most of my family lived nearly 1000 miles away. I told my wife first (well, my electrologist was actually first). It stayed between us for several months. Eventually I told my manager and got HR involved, and they allowed me to control the timeline. Several months later, when I knew I would be transitioning soon, I told both of my daughters when they were home for Christmas (one had moved to another city, the other was in college). A few months later I came out at work, and sent a note to everyone that I worked with. About a month later, I made a trip 'home' to tell my parents.

I expected a poor reception from my dad. When we arrived in town, I came out to a niece first, then her mom (my brother's wife, Kathy). We met my brother the next day, and filled him in. I had written a letter for my parents, and I asked Kathy to deliver it. I thought that was a better option than showing up at their door as Jessica, since I was expecting a negative reaction. Luckily, I was wrong. After hearing that my parents were OK with the news, Susan and I went to my parents home so I could introduce myself.

A few months later, I decided to mail letters to all remaining family and friends who weren't close enough for personal visits.

That may not be the best sequence of events for everyone, but it worked well for me. Good luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Allie,

As with every aspect of our transition YMMV. I do believe that with your communication skills everything will work out great.

My experience is very different as I do not have close relationship with my family. Once my late wife came to terms with it, it was not an issue telling anyone else in my or her families. In fact, I already fully transitioned both legally and at work before I told my sisters. And it only came up since out older brother died. Work was very supportive, and I just started telling the neighbors that I had changed my name to Ellen. There was no surprise since I was already presenting as a woman for some time.

Wishing you the best as you complete your transition

Hugs
Ellen

QuoteIt's funny how you both used the "telephone" game analogy. 😁

Consider this possibility: I am your therapist. Bwa-ha-ha!

QuoteI do believe that with your communication skills everything will work out great.

I can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky, ol' cowgirl. You, on the other hand, are the Will Rogers of word wrangling. You're Dorothy Parker times Oscar Wilde with Mark Twain on top. With you skill set, as long as you can hold up, do the telling, sweet Allie. Do the telling.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 27, 2024, 02:22:41 PMConsider this possibility: I am your therapist. Bwa-ha-ha!

I can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky, ol' cowgirl. You, on the other hand, are the Will Rogers of word wrangling. You're Dorothy Parker times Oscar Wilde with Mark Twain on top. With you skill set, as long as you can hold up, do the telling, sweet Allie. Do the telling.

If you are my therapist, I obviously owe you A LOT for our sessions on here.. not sure how I get THAT through insurance...

As for the telling? While I appreciate the kind words, telling ALL those people? What about a carefully, hand curated and lovingly picked out emoji? They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. So... I mean, if I send everyone:
🍆😭🤫🤔🦄🥰🎉👍

Isn't that enough?

Quote🍆😭🤫🤔🦄🥰🎉👍

People use LOL willy-nilly, but ^this^ was truly laugh out loud funny...and a revelation for me too. I never knew that emojis can explain everything.

QuoteIf you are my therapist, I obviously owe you A LOT for our sessions on here.. not sure how I get THAT through insurance...

I only bill for online sessions in baked goods. That's the way it's done throughout the therapy sector.

Hi O&C

You said:

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 27, 2024, 02:22:41 PMConsider this possibility: I am your therapist. Bwa-ha-ha!

I can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky cranky, ol' cowgirl. You, on the other hand, are the Will Rogers of word wrangling. You're Dorothy Parker times Oscar Wilde with Mark Twain on top. With you skill set, as long as you can hold up, do the telling, sweet Allie. Do the telling.

Please note the correction in bold. I'm sorry I could not resist!

Best Wishes and Hugs always
Sarah B
PS Only joking, your are a wonderful cowgirl :D

Good news/bad news -

My wife and I had an excellent 30-45 minute discussion about all the things I mentioned about and talked about in therapy this morning. We talked strategies, and pluses and minuses of various methods... we talked "buckets"... we talked about letting our son tell his best friend before we tell my sisters, even though his friend would technically then be the third non-professional to know... but him having someone to talk to is more important than who knew when, etc.

The bad is we really didn't land somewhere we were happy with in regard to telling my siblings. We laughed a lot at the ways each solution would potentially blow up in our faces... but we didn't crack the case. So we said we'd keep thinking about it. But we also have some busy weekends coming up and we fear it could suddenly drag out into April pretty easily, which is a shame.

But that's what happens when long distance is involved.

We 100% decided that the Zoom idea was too impersonal, at least for them.

We ended it with me reiterating that transition is literally for other people ... and wondering if I could call my therapist and just cancel all this because it's too much of a bother. 😘

So we agreed to just keep thinking about it for a few days...

Still, always good to be on the same page.

Love,
Allie

Here's a novelty: a card trick via blog post.  ;D

Can't accuse me of sleight of hand, since you'll be handling the cards completely on your own.

(Why am I doing this BTW? Well, it's 1:08 am, which means no cluster headache tonight (Yah!) and so I need to give my pain meds a bit of time to kick in before I can go to bed (with no cluster, my migraine doesn't break, it sort of slowly dissipates). And also, if you ever want a good writing challenge? Try to write instructions to someone to complete a semi-complex task they've never done. It hones your ability to be clear and concise).

Ok, ready?

1. Get a standard 52-card deck and shuffle it.
2. For the purposes of this trick, an Ace= 1 pt, 2-10 are self-evident, Jack=11, Queen=12, and King-13
3. Flip the first card, face up, on the table.
4. Whatever that card is, that's your starting number. So, for example, if it is the 7 of Spades, your number is 7.
5. Continue to deal cards, also face up, onto that pile, counting outloud or to yourself, until you reach 13. Each card being worth one point, regardless of the card's face value.
6. So in that example above with the 7 of spades, you would add six more cards -- counting 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 as you added each card.
7. Once reaching 13, turn the whole pile face down.
8. Now repeat as many times as necessary until you have used all the cards in the deck.
9. If you do not have enough cards to reach 13 with the final pile, simple pick up those cards and keep them in your hand.
10. Once you've finished you should have several face down piles before you, and, unless it hit just right, at least a few cards in your hand.
11. Now, pick ANY three piles on the table. Push them slightly forward. Now remove all the other piles and add them to the cards in your hand.
12. You should now have three face down piles on the table, and a stack of cards in your hand.
13. Take the first 10 cards off the pile in your hand and discard them.
14. Now, count the cards remaining in your hand.
15. Whatever number you got - that's your prediction.
16. Now, remembering our 1-13 pt system from earlier, turn over the top cards from each of the three piles.
17. You will see that you correctly chose the three piles whose cards totaled EXACTLY the predicted number.

And just like that, you're a magician!

Lemme know if it worked for you!

Love,
Allie

I had came out to my son and his wife. The next family gathering her family all lined up to give me hugs as I entered. I new right away by the way they acted that the word was out. I didn't mind as I'm not close with her family and it saved me the awkward, "I have something to tell you all!". I noticed the discomfort of the men sneaking glances, checking out my progress, but not wanting me to see them doing it. All went well and if anybody had anything negative to say they kept it to themselves till latter, not that I care.
Gina

QuoteI can wrangle words, but I'm just a creaky cranky, ol' cowgirl.

So true. More than once, I've felt like the crankiest poster at Susan's. So, you made me laugh.

My wife and I were hoping to find a time to get together with our son to sort of take his temperature on everything and see how he's doing.

But the last two days, today especially, we've all been texting a lot per usual. He's been updating us on some work stuff, asking for advice, etc... same ol, same ol.

Doesn't mean we still don't want to still try to get some time with him prior to Easter (much to his chagrin - once a month usually fills his quota 😉) but really feeling like status quo. Which is great.

Love,
Allie

A couple of random food related bits, which is sort of related to my transition, I suppose.

We were at lunch today at our favorite Pho place. It's now gotten to where when we show up they don't give us menus, the waitresses know our order, even the way we customize our bowls. I like to think that speaks highly of their competency and not that we are addicted to their food. (Which we 100% are, btw).

But while eating today, my wife and I both noted it was the hotest (in terms of spice level) it has ever been. Of course we dump all the hot sauce they give into it, plus the jalapenos too.. so we ask for it. And it's so flavorful... it's wonderful. No complaints, it was just hot.

Meanwhile, the Thai couple that sat next to us ordered some sort of fish noodle bowl and ordered it "extra hot." Their broth came out and it was the color of blood. I thought my eyebrows were going to spontaneously combust if I looked at it too long. And they ate it like they were eating a marshmallow peep.

It led us to discuss how spice tolerance is really a factor of the food you grew up with. Neither my wife nor I grew up eating spicy food. But in the past few years we've really built up our tolerance for it. Our son has always had it (somehow) so he sort of shamed us into it.  We still don't like hot for hot's sake, but we can enjoy spicy thing.

But as much as we love the Pho place, and think the food is amazing... I have a few friends who it is pointless to bring there. They are not tolerant of spicy foods. They wouldn't enjoy it. So it would selfish to bring them. You cannot force spice on someone, we concluded.

Sushi, we decided is a bit different. Most people who say that they don't like sushi... haven't tried sushi. Which is understandable. Heck, I only started eating it myself a few years ago, and I regret all the years wasted not eating it. But I truly think if I could bring a so-called non-sushi eater to one of my favorite places, I could slowly and without tricking them or forcing them, bring them to enjoy it just by educating them and having them sample a few pieces.

Tonight we went to our favorite Cuban spot. This one baffles us. Anyone who doesn't like Cuban food? The only real complaint you could have is you don't like flavor. But the thing is, people think Cuban food is spicy. I know we did before we went to Miami a few years ago. We went to an authentic Cuban spot and this wonderful waiter sat with us and gave us "the history of Cuban food"  and explained how Cuban food is a mix of Spanish, African and Caribbean traditions... using their spices.

But somehow, it's directly confused with Mexican food. Mexican food (which is delicious, by the way) has a lot of fried food. Cuban food has a lot of stewed and slow cooked food. Mexican food is spicy, Cuban food lean sweet. They really couldn't be more different.

And yet, when we were having this discussion over dinner, this couple sat down next to us, and were studying the menu. When the waitress came she asked if they had any questions. The woman said "Is this food very spicy?"

So whomever has the Cuban food marketing account, needs to be fired.

Anyway... just a ramble about food while I should really be writing my coming out letters to my family & friends but I really don't want to... so I'm doing this to kill time.

See, I told you this was a LITTLE about my transition.  ;)

Procrastinatingly yours,
Allie
 

I think the coming-out letters are like ripping off a bandage. Do it quick and get it over with. I would write them and then put them away for a day or two. Then read them again, edit and put them away for another day or two. Then read them again, do any edits, and then send them off. There will be questions, of course. But you already know the answers. It's just hard to take that step. I'll be your cheerleader.

Ra-ra-ree
Kick them in the knee
Ra-ra rass
Kick them in the... other knee.
 ;D

Seriously. You got this.
Hugs!

Quote from: LoriDee on March 02, 2024, 09:22:40 PMI think the coming-out letters are like ripping off a bandage. Do it quick and get it over with. I would write them and then put them away for a day or two. Then read them again, edit and put them away for another day or two. Then read them again, do any edits, and then send them off. There will be questions, of course. But you already know the answers. It's just hard to take that step. I'll be your cheerleader.

Ra-ra-ree
Kick them in the knee
Ra-ra rass
Kick them in the... other knee.
 ;D

Seriously. You got this.
Hugs!

 ;D

Thanks Lori!

Yeah, I know once I start I'll knock them off quickly.  Part of the issue is that we haven't figured out the logistics yet for telling people.

There are a whole bunch we want to tell in person (with the help of the letter to soften the ground the night before in most cases). But all these people are out of state, so we are trying to sort all that out.

I think if I had a deadline, like we needed it by Monday, I'd get it done.

I've spent my life writing on deadlines... so I am used to getting other things done knowing I can write at the last moment. But it's kind of annoying.

My wife HATES the particular story I'm about to share. She in particular hated when I shared it with our son when he was in school, as she felt it sent all the wrong messages. She was, per usual, 100% correct. Except it made me look like a bad-ass in his eyes (an irresponsible one, but... nonetheless...) so I liked sharing it:

3L (third year of Law School) I liked to consider myself ... well, in Television casting terms, a "Guest Star" rather than a "Series Regular". I had already had a job waiting for me after graduation with the firm I clerked for during the previous summer, so my motivation was nonexistent. (Plus, I found law school really easy compared to college... but that's just me)

Anyway, I would always show up for the first class.. and then, you know... the final. Sometimes if I found something interesting, and there was nothing good on TV or I wanted to visit with friends and I was on campus I'd go... it was pretty bad. Again, not a great look for me.

As you can imagine, things got missed.  I did well grade-wise, but things get missed.

For example, I missed the fact that all students are required to do a thesis to graduate. I guess I should have known that? But I got a note from my advisor and went in to talk to him and he said mine was overdue and he could hold off the dean but I needed to submit it in the next 24 hours to graduate... and since I didn't know what it was, I sort of faked my way through that entire conversation and told him I was just finishing it up and then walked out and called a friend and asked what it was.

It needed to be a 75-100 page fully researched and annotated paper on the topic of your choosing. I have no memory of what my topic was, but I do remember that, in the conversation with the advisor I made something up on the spot with no concept of if it was doable, what the challenges were, etc.

So that afternoon and evening I went to the law library, researched whatever the heck this topic I had made up was, and wrote a 90 page (I remember that) thesis paper.  And I submitted it the next morning, and it was approved with no revisions.

Again, my wife was not in favor of my sharing that story with the boy. But he really is an excellent writer so... I think it's ok. He's good under fire too. But he's also responsible like his mother, thank goodness.

The moral of this story is... I need a deadline to kick my butt on these letters. This is night two of NOT writing them. And I'm annoyed with myself.

Ha, Allie! You and I are alike in so many ways. My proudest moment as an undergrad was when I missed one of the two midterms in Logic and several of the weekly quizzes, as well as the majority of the lectures. So, I went to the professor and asked if it was possible for me to pass.

"An 'A' on the final would do it," he said.

So, I found the darkest corner of the library, studied the text for five hours, and took the test, earning an "A" on the final and a "D" in the course.

That D knocked me from Summa cum laude to cum laude, back before grade inflation rendered the designation meaningless, but it was my greatest academic achievement.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 03, 2024, 08:46:57 AMHa, Allie! You and I are alike in so many ways. My proudest moment as an undergrad was when I missed one of the two midterms in Logic and several of the weekly quizzes, as well as the majority of the lectures. So, I went to the professor and asked if it was possible for me to pass.

"An 'A' on the final would do it," he said.

So, I found the darkest corner of the library, studied the text for five hours, and took the test, earning an "A" on the final and a "D" in the course.

That D knocked me from Summa cum laude to cum laude, back before grade inflation rendered the designation meaningless, but it was my greatest academic achievement.

Ha! Yes, I recognize completely that instinct: To challenge yourself by creating seemingly insurmountable restrictions, time limits, handicaps and then still excel at a task — and consider it a triumph.

The converse being, the task was one you could have much more easily completed and excelled at if you just did it as assigned and requested — so most people in your orbit are like "why did you do that to yourself?"

It definitely says something about us. I'm not entirely sure it is something great.  But I made peace with it years ago so... *shrug* 😉

Since you are familiar with writing deadlines, maybe let your wife do the edits. It is important to consider how someone outside of your head will respond to your version of the story. By all means, say what you want to say, but maybe you can say it a different way. She can help with that. I think it would be a good idea to present it as a team effort to explain the situation and how you (both of you) got here.

Hugs!

Great idea, Lori.

Quote from: LoriDee on March 03, 2024, 10:10:37 AMSince you are familiar with writing deadlines, maybe let your wife do the edits. It is important to consider how someone outside of your head will respond to your version of the story. By all means, say what you want to say, but maybe you can say it a different way. She can help with that. I think it would be a good idea to present it as a team effort to explain the situation and how you (both of you) got here.

Hugs!

Oh I always am happy to get feedback. She will 100% be my editor. I also said I would send it to my therapist. She's seen countless of these over her years, so she's as much of an expert on the genre as you can be. Always use expertise when you can find it!

Great idea, Allie!

Ok, I took a crack at the first letter -the one for my sisters.

I did what O&C and I were discussing above, I put an artificial limitation on myself (literally) which helped motivate me: Right after my cluster headache concluded, I took my pain meds and opened a blank doc and started to write and basically raced the meds kicking in.  ;D

Wrote two pages... got to believe page two goes on a bit of a grammatical safari at times, but oh well. I'll check it out in the morning and have a chuckle. Also two full pages is WAY too long, but again... I was rushing it, so I didn't have time to write less.  ;)

'night!
Love,
Allie
 

QuoteI didn't have time to write less.

^This^ made me laugh.

I agree that two pages is too long. They can extract what they need/want with follow-up questions. Invite them to do so, if you already haven't in the first draft, which is unlikely, given your skill as a communicator and your emotional IQ.

When I taught writing, I'd urge my students to respect their audience by getting to the point (Lead with the lede.) and getting off the stage (Don't clench the podium.).

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 04, 2024, 09:12:24 AM^This^ made me laugh.

I agree that two pages is too long. They can extract what they need/want with follow-up questions. Invite them to do so, if you already haven't in the first draft, which is unlikely, given your skill as a communicator and your emotional IQ.

When I taught writing, I'd urge my students to respect their audience by getting to the point (Lead with the lede.) and getting off the stage (Don't clench the podium.).

100% agree. When I worked with students who wrote for me, and especially when working with our son I gave them two main editing tools:
First, read it outloud to yourself. If it doesn't sound good it's a not well constructed thought.
And two, if you remove a word, phrase, sentence or paragraph and you are still making the same exact point - leave them out.

I haven't gone back and looked at what I wrote last night, but since it was stream of (semi) consciousness, I expect it to at least have hit on all the notes I want to hit.
So I can tighten all those up which should knock 25% off easily. And then it will likely make sense to ditch the weakest/least important 25% of the points.  So what remains is a tight one pager.

Hmmm.
So I just read what I wrote.
My initial takeaway was that I found it surprisingly defensive.
I am sure that can partially be attributed to writing while in a lot of pain, very tired, and with the pain meds kicking in... but certainly not wholly.
What I think it speaks to is likely a fear of being judged by my sisters, and so I preemptively struck out with my tone to defend myself.
It is 100% the wrong way to approach ANYTHING like this, and obviously they'll never see a version remotely like that.
The basic structure and points, I think, will work. So the draft will give me something with which to work, so that's good.
And actually, the defensive tone is actually helpful too, it probably alerted me to something I wasn't consciously aware of, and something I need to address before I approach them.
I need to give them the opportunity to embrace, tolerate or reject this all on their own. And I can react to that. Reacting to what I think they might do is first and foremost completely unfair to them, but also the least likely way to achieve any type of positive outcome on my part.

So despite all of that, and really because of it, I'm awfully glad I did write this last night. I think it really was an instructive first draft on many levels.

Love,
Allie

QuoteAnd actually, the defensive tone is actually helpful too, it probably alerted me to something I wasn't consciously aware of, and something I need to address before I approach them.

^This^ is you listening to your better angels.

QuoteI need to give them the opportunity to embrace, tolerate or reject this all on their own.

And ^this^ is you hearing your best angels.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 04, 2024, 12:17:19 PM^This^ is you listening to your better angels.

And ^this^ is you hearing your best angels.

I'm going to have to see if I can get "emotional clarity" listed as a new side effect for hydrocodone/vicodin. I think it will be an uphill battle, but after all minoxidil was original used to treat high blood pressure before someone noticed it grew hair, so this could just be the next evolution of that 🤔

Hi Allie and O&C

You two seem to have things in hand in drafting 'the letter' to your sisters.  I agree two pages is too long and remember all the plans you made for your son, unravelled at the last moment, with a simple "I'm trans'. (that was so funny).

You and O&C are getting too esoteric.  Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) principle is what you should probably use.  So might I suggest the following structure / outline?

---

Dear sister

I have to tell you something and its a very private matter about me. I'm well and healthy, so please do not worry about me in that regards.    My wife has also known about this, for a long time as well and she also helps me in this private matter.  I would very much like to tell you in person (with wife).  But distance is a problem, which precludes us from doing so.

I'm transgender meaning I have always been a female and I have been transitioning for the last period of time.

Some pertinent facts:

    1. Electrolysis
    2. Hormones.
    3. You can still call me 'your brother' (just like you did with your son)

I have sent a similar letter to your sister telling her about me.

I have already told our son and he is fully aware of what I'm doing and he fully accepts and loves me unconditionally.

I would love / like to talk with you, about this private matter and answer any questions you may have in regards to this matter, if you so wish to do so.

I will always love you no matter what happens between us.

Your loving sister / brother
Allie / (deadname)

---

I also agree that you absolutely must, without a shadow of a doubt let your wife proofread this letter

I hope this provides food for your thoughts.  I would like you to think about what your sisters thoughts could be about this matter.  Maybe bounce this question of your son?  Then you can decide what to do from there.

Your sister from across the pond and I hope you come up with a wonderful letter to your sisters.

Love and Hugs to both of you, always
Sarah B
PS Full Disclosure, 'I'm no expert on this'
@Oldandcreaky
@imallie

Thanks Sarah. Of course you're right. There are really only two basic ways to peel a banana — after that it's all just being way too cute and overly complicated.

Your outline is likely the outline, in one way or another of everyone who has done this. And even with my really defensive letter, if I turned it into bullet points, it would match the above in some fashion.

There are some more details I will go into about my history, etc... but, as mentioned, it's all banana peeling.

But it's really about tone. And yes, I will let my wife, my therapist and if our son wants to read the letters him as well.

Thanks so much!
Love,
Allie

Hi Allie

Thank you for your reply.  When you where discussing with O&C about being defensive. I did not think that was the way to go.

Whatever you do I sure that what you write, I hope will be a success.

It's 23:00 here in Aussie in about 10 minutes I will be uploading the antics of me.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
@imallie

With letters on my mind, I completely forgot to mention quite a low-key, but momentous discussion with my wife from the weekend.

We were looking/browsing houses for our eventual move to the beach (target - spring/summer '27 after she retires) and I just nonchalantly said: "You know, one thing we need to be aware of with you retiring in a couple of years, is that I need to probably get any and all surgical procedures taken care of before that point."
She immediately agreed. She said especially with the coming election, who knows what Medicare will cover and for how long, so the most logical and safest way to do things will be with our current insurance.

And that was that. But I also realized that it was our first-ever discussion about surgeries of any kind.

Well, that's not completely true, I suppose. She knows, for example, about Sara's surgery and she's asked me a few times how she's feeling and doing.  But as regards ME, I mean.

Hi Allie

I seem to find you in very good spirits, I'm sure more wonderful moments are to come.  I hope you are working on the letters, no dilly dallying, hand written (I dare you) is more personal or typed (No Email), snail mail would be interesting.  Anyway you mentioned.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMWith letters on my mind, I completely forgot to mention quite a low-key, but momentous discussion with my wife from the weekend.

Yes, I know, I read ahead and it was definitely a momentous point in time.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMWe were looking/browsing houses for our eventual move to the beach (target - spring/summer '27 after she retires) and I just nonchalantly said: "You know, one thing we need to be aware of with you retiring in a couple of years, is that I need to probably get any and all surgical procedures taken care of before that point."

Yes the beach life, do you need a personal life guard?  She is very cheap. She says she will do it for just lodging and food.   She has 10 years plus experience and an excellent swimmer.  She trained no less than in Australia, the land of sun, surf and sand.  If you are interested I will let her know.

I will be around I hope to see you travel that path.  At least you will have family around you.  Sounds like a great plan I approve of it.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMShe immediately agreed. She said especially with the coming election, who knows what Medicare will cover and for how long, so the most logical and safest way to do things will be with our current insurance.

What can I say about your wife, the only thing that comes to mind is, 'unconditional love' a strength in character that knows no bounds and a doggedly determination that will protect her mate, no matter what.  I do follow American politics and the way the GOP are dealing with our issues is not welcome.

Quote from: imallie on March 05, 2024, 03:27:45 PMAnd that was that. But I also realized that it was our first-ever discussion about surgeries of any kind.

Well, that's not completely true, I suppose. She knows, for example, about Sara's surgery and she's asked me a few times how she's feeling and doing.  But as regards ME, I mean.

The journey you will be travelling will not be alone, so savor each moment. Just like I said to Sara.  I do have enough memories of my journey and it is reflected to the best of my ability to express it, so that others will be able to say, "if Sarah B can do it, so can I".  One final point, I'm a teacher, who has taught for at least 20 years and my philosophy on life is "to pass my knowledge onto others".

Love and Hugs Always to you and your Wife.
Sarah B
@imallie
PS I accidentally pressed post button and I had not quite finished it, it is now!!

Sarah - decided to let the letter marinate for a few days. But that's ok, that's very much part of my creative process. I'm 100% writing/rewriting things in the back of my mind, and when next I sit down I'll be able to bang out the next draft.
However, handwritten is a non-starter. Before Gutenberg, I would have been considered illiterate. 😂
One thing we are trained to do in professional reporting is keep our notebooks (or tapes) of interviews in case there's ever any issue. And despite my atrocious handwriting I always preferred note taking to mini recorders. No chance of opening a notebook and finding I had been writing with the wrong end of the pen, but a real chance of listening to the tape and realizing you had hit play not record. 😬
Anyway, had anyone ever questioned any quote I attributed to them.  I had the notebook. 40 years later I still do. But the thing is, it wouldn't matter because they might as well be Sanskrit.
Even I can only read them for about 48 hours... and after that, it's a struggle.

So that's a roundabout way of saying - email is very much how this is all going to go down. And trust me it's with everyone's best interest at heart.  😉

QuoteEven I can only read them for about 48 hours... and after that, it's a struggle.

It's like slowly disappearing ink!

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 05, 2024, 08:36:42 PMIt's like slowly disappearing ink!

Ha! More like "rapidly" but yes. It's really quite something. But I swear, I went to Elementary school and everything. I have all the papers and report cards with smiley face stickers and all that to prove it. My handwriting is just THE worst.

Cant be as bad as my writing, even I cant read it sometimes. Now what was that item on my shopping list? Thank goodness for tiperighters and speelchuckers or no one on here would understand me!! Saying that I doubt anyone gets my rambles----------

Quote from: davina61 on March 06, 2024, 03:50:57 AMCant be as bad as my writing, even I cant read it sometimes. Now what was that item on my shopping list? Thank goodness for tiperighters and speelchuckers or no one on here would understand me!! Saying that I doubt anyone gets my rambles----------

I will go chicken scratch vs chicken scratch with you... the thing is, in that sort of battle, there are no winners, only sadness and pity.  So maybe, we call it a draw.

Oh, by the way, I CAN draw.  Which helps, because it's much more likely that I can draw a picture of an elephant and someone would recognize it than they would if I hand-wrote the word "elephant" and asked if they had any idea what it was.

Super affirming electrolysis session this morning.

For some reason, we ended up sharing some kind of dark painful secrets. What's funny is the things we were both sharing are 100% things that we have at other times shared as amusing stories. I mean, I know many/most of my friends know the things I told her. But it was the WAY we talked about it that was so much different and so much more real.

Definitely distracts from when she is working on the corners of my mouth. 🤐

The lip line and up against the nostrils were the worst. I didn't even know that there were options for numbing.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 06, 2024, 12:31:18 PMThe lip line and up against the nostrils were the worst. I didn't even know that there were options for numbing.

Yeah, she's done like 4-5 rounds of laser in that area (including once she did laser up my nose! "Make sure you don't inhale!") and I can take it... because the whole "circuit" is about 20 bursts in 30 seconds and its done. So after the first one, it didn't really stress me.

And now, when she does electro in that area, a few hairs at a time, it's also no biggie.

BUT when we get to the point where she has to spend a full session there? I don't know how well I'll respond. I like to think my pain tolerance is high enough to grin and bear it, but... I'm not looking forward to it.

I think we have several months before we get to that, however, so that is "future me's" problem, not mine.

The telephone game is predictive of most people, but a woman I used to be friends with (lost her in my first divorce) was an exception, and I am sure there are others out there.  I'll call her "M". 

The bad: M could NOT keep a secret.
The sometimes good/sometimes bad:  she always got every detail perfect.  Court Reporters aren't as accurate as she was at offering a transcript of what was said.  The only thing that might possibly be off was the intonation.

When a literal transcription was a positive thing, it was at least good that she didn't adulterate the message.  When you regretted the way you said something it was bad.  Sometimes, incredibly bad.  And, she didn't have an edit function allowing her to soften the blow. 

But, if I wanted to come out to everyone I knew back then, and didn't want to track them all down or have people getting it muddled, I am confident that within a day of telling her, everyone would get the message as accurately as if written in a text. 

Maybe you know someone like M?

Quote from: REM.1126 on March 06, 2024, 10:28:04 PMThe telephone game is predictive of most people, but a woman I used to be friends with (lost her in my first divorce) was an exception, and I am sure there are others out there.  I'll call her "M". 

The bad: M could NOT keep a secret.
The sometimes good/sometimes bad:  she always got ever detail perfect.  Court Reporters aren't as accurate as she was at offering a transcript of what was said.  The only thing that might possibly be off was the intonation.

When a literal transcription was a positive thing, it was at least good that she didn't adulterate the message.  When you regretted the way you said something it was bad.  Sometimes, incredibly bad.  And, she didn't have an edit function allowing her to soften the blow. 

But, if I wanted to come out to everyone I knew back then, and didn't want to track them all down or have people getting it muddled, I am confident that within a day of telling her, everyone would get the message as accurately as if written in a text. 

Maybe you know someone like M?

The concept makes sense Rachel, for sure.

And in fact, I have several friends who are either print journalists, tv reporters, or non-fiction book authors... so they'd qualify in that regard. But much in the way friends complain to me "why aren't you clapping?" When I sit on my hands at a basketball game — because it's just a force of habit from years of "no cheering on press row" — journalists would be almost overly objective and unemotional in sharing the information.

I also have some really gossipy friends who would spread it like wildfire. I know telling them will be like telling much of the eastern seaboard.🙄

But at the end of the day, I want to do the best that I can to control the narrative. So everyone I tell will, in addition to the letter they receive, either be told that they are free to share that letter with others, or be given a second letter which they are free to share with others if theirs is too specific to them.

That's our plan, anyway. We'll see if it comes to pass.
 

It sounds like a fine plan.  Let all
Of us know how it evolves and plays out. 

Cake pops 2.0

(https://i.imgur.com/EiHmxcW.jpeg)

Heading to the beach this weekend, for a brunch with the wife's family... and it's always tricky to figure out something to bring that will both a) travel and b) keep for at least 24 hours without refrigeration.

Enter: cake pops!

I think I've got my you-know-what together on this now... last time I think with about 40 attempted pops, I yielded maybe 15. This time, 38 yielded 30. I know if you actually count the ones in that photo (you know who you are!) you'll see 36... meaning, incredibly I only lost TWO. 
However, that back cooling disc, the small one, that is the island of misfit toys. Those will NOT leave the house. Their flaws are beyond "quirks", "character" or "variations"... they cannot see the light of day.

We will, of course, eat them ourselves, to remove all possible traces of evidence. 😋

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Love,
Allie

QuoteWe will, of course, eat them ourselves, to remove all possible traces of evidence.

Did you ever read "The Lovely Bones"? If not, the dead protagonist commits the perfect murder, killing a serial killer of children with an icicle. It's perfect because the murder weapon melts.

Yeah, your cake pops cover-up reminded me of that.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 08, 2024, 01:27:08 PMDid you ever read "The Lovely Bones"? If not, the dead protagonist commits the perfect murder, killing a serial killer of children with an icicle. It's perfect because the murder weapon melts.

Yeah, your cake pops cover-up reminded me of that.

Ooh I've actually never read it, but it's always been on my list.

Regardless, I appreciate you now loading up child murder and cake pops in my brain. That's going to stick for some time... 😂

By the way... should have shared this pic instead
(https://i.imgur.com/mwstYdY.jpeg)

That's them all wrapped up.

In the background you can see the large bowl and piece of floral styrofoam I got. I'm going to cut that to fit the bowl, and then "plant" the pops in the bowl.

I'm guessing, O&C, that that image conjures something you read about genocide in the Congo? Let me know so I can not sleep tonight. 😘

Hi Allie

The beach you say?  "What about me!" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYjl1GFrWD8) [1]  I would have loved to come, especially after a couple of days in the bush.

I like the sand between my toes, but not there! :icon_redface:

Have a wonderful weekend with your wife and family.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
PS I wait to hear your success in telling friends and family with abated breath.
PSS Stunning effort on the wrapping
[1]  Moving Pictures "What about me"

Love the pics.
I think I gained 10 pounds just looking at them.
YUMMY!

Hi Lori

Quote from: LoriDee on March 08, 2024, 02:00:16 PMLove the pics.
I think I gained 10 pounds just looking at them.
YUMMY!

Yeah I like this ^^^^^^^^^

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

Sarah & Lori - many thanks!

Sarah - looks like we might have a bit of rain at the beach, although we should be able to get a nice walk by the ocean in tomorrow if we get down there earlier enough.  Doing so on Sunday seems iffy at this point, however. So it probably would not be worth the, what?, 24 hour flight for you to join us? So ... maybe it's for the best you sit this one out. 😂

And Lori - 99% of cake pops are made by adding frosting to cake until it will hold together well enough to form pops. And then coating THAT with chocolate.

I have learned a method that does all that WITHOUT the frosting - so it's really dense and moist (hate the word) but not hat on a hat sweet the way most cake pops are.

Why am I telling you all this?

Well because, technically, yes, were you looking at normally cake pops perhaps you'd gain 10 lbs. But with mine it's more like 6-7.  Although honestly you can easily eat more of mine so it probably is a wash.

Forget I said anything. 🤔😉

Do you mean that tray is not a single serving?  ;D

Quote from: LoriDee on March 08, 2024, 05:47:29 PMDo you mean that tray is not a single serving?  ;D

In your blog I offered to help you with some nutritional info/advice - so this question REALLY paints me into a corner 😬😂

I was always taught that calories only count if you consume them in your own house.

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 08, 2024, 07:38:59 PMI was always taught that calories only count if you consume them in your own house.

Love always -- Jess

100% true.

Also,  food eaten while standing up has no calories.  Nor does food eaten off of someone else's plate, or any food where you have, right before eating it, declared either "I'm just going to have a taste, bite, or nibble."

And guys don't understand when we say we aren't hungry, then steal their French Fries.  ;D

So I am going to stand up and nibble my dinner----------

Today was a crappy day all around.

I mean, it started with a walk on the beach, and brunch with family... all that was wonderful.

But found out this morning that my cousin passed. We were told Friday night it was any time now. His battle with Parkinson's was at an end. Despite having a big family, we only have three cousins. We didn't see them a lot, and our aunt and uncle were kind of jealous of our parents so they seemed to pit them against us in weird ways... but whenever it was just us, we all got along just fine.

And with their parents aging (and one having past) they had been reaching out more in recent years to do group gathers and such. It was nice. So like I said, sad.

But, and it's just a little thing, but it's also disheartening for me. Every time I think I'm making progress in my struggle against being a serial people pleaser, I take steps back. I get sucked into someone else's drama... let them take up all the oxygen in the room, and do nothing but try to solve their issues, remaining silent on what is happening in my life.

My therapist talks about how important the status of things are prior to transition as predictive of success during transition. Because my relationship with my wife and son was so strong, it made it more likely they would be ok with things. But my not being able to stop doing this, I think could get magnified if I don't nip it in the bud.

I keep thinking I'm doing a good job working on it. Instead I'm simply working on it.

Love,
Allie

So I was VERY VERY snippy with one of my sisters tonight (via text). I think this is a continuation, and related to, that first draft of the coming out letter I wrote.

My cousin who passed... we just found out that his service is Thursday, which is unfortunately the day of my Botox treatment. So my wife and I cannot go. There are literally four (maybe eight, if you count the day after each one when I have Botox flu) days each year when I 100% have an unbreakable commitment -- and this just happened to fall on one of them.

Plus, being out of state, it's not like I could go to the wake before Botox if that timing had worked... it's all a non-starter.

Anyway, my sister asked, I felt condescendingly, what should she tell the other cousins if asked why I wasn't there - that "I had a doctor's appointment?" And I replied that after 10 years of this she should understand that this is the centerpiece of my neurological treatment program, and it's a medical procedure -- heck, about 1/2 the people get full sedation for it. She's describing it as a check up.  But I told her to say "whatever the heck you want."

Of course, I was writing this at the peak of a migraine spike, when the pain really erodes my filter completely. Thinking all that was fine. Typing and sending it, I should have known better. I immediately said just that. Said it wasn't an excuse, just an explanation.

But afterwards, I did think it was related to the sentiment behind the letter. Part of me just very much trying to put up a shield against being judged by them. It's an unusual color for me. I don't like it.  It definitely has inspired me to revisit the letter. Either tonight, or tomorrow.

Not sure when we are going to see them, but that doesn't matter. At this point, the letter is very much for me.

Speaking of doing something for me, and partially burying the lede for today... feeling down this week with all this swirling around, this morning I decided was the time... so I now, for the first time have clean shaven legs!

Ok... pretty much clean shaven legs. I think tomorrow, there's a bit of a punch list of areas to revisit in the morning. But that's ok.  I think if I was in a better head space it would have been a lot more affirming. As it was, it just felt like a new part of my routine... which is in and of itself affirming in it's own way.

Hope that makes SOME sense

Love,
Allie

Some friends noticed when I started shaving my legs at a party.

The last time I went to that summer party one of the ladies said she wished she still fit in her Lily Pulitizer skirts. 

I got a Braun IPL over the summer to help with keeping the legs clean shaven.

To my simple brain I would just get on and tell them, having it hanging over you must cause you problems. Saying that my sisters reaction was I am not surprised!
 Sometimes I think we just overcomplicate things ,whats that engineering term KISS.

Shaving can be so affirming. When first coming out I shaved the mustache. Then the chest hair. Next the legs. I couldn't believe how good that made me feel.
As far as the migraines, only a fellow sufferer can know how debilitating this can be. Any treatment should be not stopped. I agree! They will get over it. I had one this past weekend, luckily I was able to catch it early with meds and it went away quickly.
I hope the Botox helps you Allie.
Gina

Quote from: davina61 on March 12, 2024, 04:52:38 AMTo my simple brain I would just get on and tell them, having it hanging over you must cause you problems. Saying that my sisters reaction was I am not surprised!
 Sometimes I think we just overcomplicate things ,whats that engineering term KISS.

Not simple at all, my friend. I am in agreement with you. I would very much like to get it done. It's just logistics at this point. They all live 75-90 minutes away - plus one of them is currently in AZ for a few weeks.

So it's just been a matter of trying to figure out WHEN we can all get in the same place.

Quote from: Gina P on March 12, 2024, 05:51:37 AMShaving can be so affirming. When first coming out I shaved the mustache. Then the chest hair. Next the legs. I couldn't believe how good that made me feel.
As far as the migraines, only a fellow sufferer can know how debilitating this can be. Any treatment should be not stopped. I agree! They will get over it. I had one this past weekend, luckily I was able to catch it early with meds and it went away quickly.
I hope the Botox helps you Allie.
Gina

Aww, thanks Gina.

Yeah, when first shaving my chest I really remembered how it made me feel. And I find my weekly electrolysis session incredibly affirming. I just wasn't in the head-space to enjoy doing my legs as much as I should have.

As for the migraines... the Botox has been helping. What's odd is that it's indicated for migraines, and it hasn't been really touching mine. I still haven't had a migraine-free day in more than 10 years. But it has been eating away at my clusters. We have to tell insurance that it is making my migraines less intense (since not less frequent) to keep full insurance approval, since believe it or not, Botox is not indicated yet for clusters. There is not yet enough research on it. Both my neuros think it will happen, and say that they keep reporting my results so hopefully it'll be easier for those who (unfortunately) follow me down this road.

Quote from: imallie on March 12, 2024, 06:08:21 AMSo it's just been a matter of trying to figure out WHEN we can all get in the same place.

Allie,

I have never been very close to my siblings, so I am having a problem understanding why you need them all in one place. You are writing a letter, so why do you not send it to all of them at once? You already have the support of the two most important people, your wife and son. In my mind everyone else is just the icing on the cake.

Wishing you the best with lots of hugs

Ellen

QuoteBut afterwards, I did think it was related to the sentiment behind the letter. Part of me just very much trying to put up a shield against being judged by them. It's an unusual color for me. I don't like it.

There isn't a syllable of ^this^ that I don't love. You don't spare yourself and even in the throes of emotions, you're still running system checks. You've a beautiful mind, Allie.

Quote from: EllenW on March 12, 2024, 10:45:12 AMAllie,

I have never been very close to my siblings, so I am having a problem understanding why you need them all in one place. You are writing a letter, so why do you not send it to all of them at once? You already have the support of the two most important people, your wife and son. In my mind everyone else is just the icing on the cake.

Wishing you the best with lots of hugs

Ellen

Hi Ellen -

I understand, and I'm really sorry you've never been very close with your sibs. I am really close with mine, just not geographically. They all live close (enough) together, though. And there's no way I'd ever want to tell any without telling all.

And we (my wife, son and I) all agree they need to know next, before we go onto the next group... so it's just a logistical thing.  We will sort it out. Hopefully sometime in April. March already seems kind of a lost cause what with one sister away, we have commitments one weekend and then it's Easter.

Oh and by the way, postscript on my little lash out at one of my sibs last night. Another sister called me this morning saying she was glad that I did it, and that it was totally appropriate, etc...

I told her that while I agreed that what she said was triggering, I should not have allowed her (unintentional) judgment to bother me and I certainly shouldn't have replied like I did. So I was glad she enjoyed it as a spectator sport, but I still regretted it.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 12, 2024, 11:54:29 AMThere isn't a syllable of ^this^ that I don't love. You don't spare yourself and even in the throes of emotions, you're still running system checks. You've a beautiful mind, Allie.

I live inside my head, it can be a scary place sometimes. So I might as well straighten up the furniture and repaint a few walls while I'm there, right? Try to make it a bit more cozy?

But I do appreciate the kind words, very much so. ❤️

Halfway through my 24-hours of needles...

Electrolysis this morning, and Botox tomorrow morning.

This morning's electrolysis session was so great, we laughed the whole time. Although, I was nearly late for a very absent-minded reason.

This morning as I was trying to get ready, our son was texting us with some issues he was having at work. My wife must have been on a conference call or something so she wasn't replying at all, so it was just me. And I started to realize if it went on much longer I was not going to be able to jump in the shower in time to make my appointment.

Why didn't I just say something? Well... that dawned on me when I was (on time) waiting outside her office. I realized that I'm so accustomed to him NOT knowing about my "secret" that I naturally never say anything about appointments if I don't absolutely have to.

A moment later he texted again while I was sitting there, and I replied that I was waiting to go in for a treatment so I'd be off the grid for 90 minutes but I wasn't ignoring him.  ;D

Over dinner, my wife and I agreed the upside was, NOT that my memory is fading... but that our relationship is so unchanged that I forgot he knows sometimes. So that's good, I guess. Still... I definitely made my morning unnecessarily complicated and rushed!

And tomorrow's Botox is making me miss my cousin's funeral... but I did send a nice message to his sister with our regrets and explaining why we couldn't make it. She replied thanking me for letting her know.

It's my experience, with my mom and dad passing in the last five years, that there are absolutely some people you were aware of if they attended or did not... but then most others are kind of a blur. I'm kind of thinking we are on the cusp of aware/blur... but even so, I thought the message was a good idea.

One of my other sisters who is attending was grumbling at bit about the day tomorrow. For those who haven't attended an Italian funeral (and this side of the family is much more traditional than ours), it is ALL-DAY. I mean, the wake starts and 9 am, and I'll be shocked if they're home by 5 pm.

Even so, I asked if she'd rather be there or have 40 needles jammed in and around her eye, temple and the back of her neck.

So she is now fully on board with the All-day affair.  ;)

Love,
Allie

So Botox was an interesting experience...

I was considering this morning if I would tell my doc and her assistant (it's always the two of them) that I was trans this time. Although it's in my file, I'm certain they are not aware.  Not that they really need to, but also, its highly likely that the next appointment in three months I'll have a head of hair, so it would be a good idea.

But I decided I can always just message through the portal, and I decided to kick it down the road.

I also decided to wear my "old" glasses, which I hardly do in public at all now.  But that wasn't related to not telling them. Having had electrolysis yesterday, I'm at my most unshaven, and have a visible goatee scruff... and I normally like to give my skin a full day before shaving.

So I just thought the feminine glasses and the facial hair was a bit more than I was comfortable with right now. Don't think I realized that until this morning, but that apparently is a line for me.

Anyway, the session was going great and I was giving them the update and they were thrilled with my progress. I hit 30 cluster-free days last Botox period (1/4 of the year). Still no migraine-free days (10 years and counting), but a couple of days where the start of the migraine was delayed, and THAT hadn't happened before. So it's all real progress.

The doc was thrilled. "I wish I could say it was just the Botox but you must be living right. You get credit too for whatever else you're doing!"

"It could be the hormones, I suppose," I said. "Oh, I just realized. Did I ever tell you guys that I'm transgender?"

And then I was off with the hormones story.

It was quick and to the point. They seemed neither stunned nor ... anything other than saying it must be part of what's helping and then we continued on like regular.

It was just TOO obvious and natural an opening not to discuss it. I didn't think about it, just responded to a question. And like when I was telling our son, and come to think of it like when I told my PC a year ago, I feel like if I had a blood pressure cuff on, I really don't think my readings would have budged a bit.

Don't know what that says, but hopefully it's a good thing.

Anyway, home now... with a face that's a bit bumpy, puffy and bloody.  But she does give me this head massage at the end which alternates vigorous and gentle, which has me feeling pretty good otherwise.

Now I await the "Botox flu"... which will pretty much knock me off my feet for 24-48 hours.

Love,
Allie


P.S. Oh, and my wife did not think this was as quite as hilarious as I did. But I share it for your judgment. When making my next appointment, the date they gave me is our wedding anniversary. I said that will be fine because "now I get let my wife know she doesn't need to stab me in the head that day, you guys will be doing it."

The ladies behind the desk thought it was quite funny.

Hi Allie,

That makes sense.  Being transgender but not out can certainly be a constant trigger for migraines.

Marion

Quote from: Maid Marion on March 14, 2024, 09:16:59 AMHi Allie,

That makes sense.  Being transgender but not out can certainly be a constant trigger for migraines.

Marion

Marion - you're quite right. Stress can, in some cases, be a migraine trigger. It's more normally associated with the whole fleet of stress headaches, but as a trigger, yup.

With mine being chronic I don't have triggers... they start at the same time every day, so it isn't related. But as my neuro says about all those thing — stress, weight, sleep, etc — improving all of them may not help, but they won't hurt!

Love,
Allie

Hi Allie

You mentioned the following in your post above:

Quote from: imallie on March 14, 2024, 08:43:50 AMAnyway, the session was going great and I was giving them the update and they were thrilled with my progress. I hit 30 cluster-free days last Botox period (1/4 of the year). Still no migraine-free days (10 years and counting), but a couple of days where the start of the migraine was delayed, and THAT hadn't happened before. So it's all real progress.

The doc was thrilled. "I wish I could say it was just the Botox but you must be living right. You get credit too for whatever else you're doing!"

"It could be the hormones, I suppose," I said. "Oh, I just realized. Did I ever tell you guys that I'm transgender?"

You say, "it could be the hormones", so the question remains, why?  I've noticed anecdotally that endocrinologists in the states tend to start of hormone therapy on a very low dose.

The question that just crossed my mind is do the 'physicians' maintain a post menopausal estrogen level, for 'us'?  I know the body needs hormones, regardless of what type it is given.

When I started I was given a high dose 2 x 2mg (tablet) twice a day, by my then treating doctor, when I saw my endocrinologist at the time, he just monitored my levels (I assume estrogen) and was happy with them.  I have always taken the same dosage ever since I first started, which has been 35 years.  My doctor who recently took my blood levels said, "your levels are fine", meaning they were 'average' compared to other women.

I'm not a doctor, so my thought is would a higher level of estrogen make a difference in the treatment of migraines?  You have mentioned that you have been having botox for a long time, but only 1 year for hormones.  Food for everyone's thoughts.

Take care and I wish with all my might that one day you will have a migraine free day.

and Hugs
Sarah B

@imallie
@Northern Star Girl

Quote from: Sarah B on March 14, 2024, 07:25:47 PMHi Allie

You mentioned the following in your post above:

You say, "it could be the hormones", so the question remains, why?  I've noticed anecdotally that endocrinologists in the states tend to start of hormone therapy on a very low dose.

The question that just crossed my mind is do the 'physicians' maintain a post menopausal estrogen level, for 'us'?  I know the body needs hormones, regardless of what type it is given.

When I started I was given a high dose 2 x 2mg (tablet) twice a day, by my then treating doctor, when I saw my endocrinologist at the time, he just monitored my levels (I assume estrogen) and was happy with them.  I have always taken the same dosage ever since I first started, which has been 35 years.  My doctor who recently took my blood levels said, "your levels are fine", meaning they were 'average' compared to other women.

I'm not a doctor, so my thought is would a higher level of estrogen make a difference in the treatment of migraines?  You have mentioned that you have been having botox for a long time, but only 1 year for hormones.  Food for everyone's thoughts.

Take care and I wish with all my might that one day you will have a migraine free day.

and Hugs
Sarah B

@imallie
@Northern Star Girl

Hi Sarah -

Well, the reason I heavily qualified my statement is... well, there are LOTS of reasons.  ;D

Foremost, especially when it comes to my cluster headaches, it's such a rare condition that there simply isn't enough clinical research on the impact of ANYTHING. It's why, despite the efficacy of Botox on patients like me, insurance will not cover Botox treatments. There simply isn't enough to back it up. It's only by my neurologist framing my progress in terms of incremental improvement in migraine severity does each year get approved.

As for hormones, though, there is plenty of research that shows that Estrogen is, in fact, a "migraine multiplier". It's actually listed as known side-effect for hormone treatment, not just for trans patients, but menopausal women, or any women taking them.

My neurologist, however, still gave me 70/20/10 odds at the outset, even as he advised against proceeding with hormones.  70% it would worsen my issues, 20% it would not impact them at all,  and a small (10%) chance it would improve them.

That is why my endo and I decided to begin with microdosing, and were prepared at the first sign of negative impact to pull the plug. And when I started showing continued positive progress, we kept increasing.

But at the same time, Botox is a cumulative procedure. Each quarter's treatment stands on top of the previous quarter's, as it rewrites neurotransmissions of pain in the nerves. 

But also at the same time, my neurologist says that at some point in the near future I could hopefully age out of all of this.

So... that is a long way of saying, that is why we say we can't really know what is helping and how much. Each thing might be playing a part, one might be doing all the heavy lifting? Who knows.

I think, however, it is clear that, per my neurologist's percentage scale, I am safely in the non-70% pool. So whether it is helping or not hurting, no one can say. But at this point either one is just fine with me.

I know that's a long explanation, but I promise you, that's the short version.  ;D

Love,
Allie

By the way Sarah, I should have put this big caveat on all of the above:

That explanation is the English major's version of science as I understand it from my neurologist who is an absolute saint for not (visibly) rolling his eyes with the number of times I will ask "what does this do?" And "how does this work?" ... so what I wrote above is the version I've parroted back to him where he's at least nodded in affirmation, shrugged his shoulders in a "let's move on that's close enough" way, or given me a very clear "yes... sure."

😂

QuoteBut also at the same time, my neurologist says that at some point in the near future I could hopefully age out of all of this.

Here's praying that Guanyin, Mother Nature, Eleos, the Biblical God, or Father time finally have mercy on you.

QuoteSo... that is a long way of saying, that is why we say we can't really know what is helping and how much. Each thing might be playing a part, one might be doing all the heavy lifting? Who knows.

There's still a lot of who knows in the modern medicine/human body relationship.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 15, 2024, 07:16:12 AMHere's praying that Guanyin, Mother Nature, Eleos, the Biblical God, or Father time finally have mercy on you.

There's still a lot of who knows in the modern medicine/human body relationship.

Thanks - yeah all are welcome to the "get well club". We're a "big tent" kinda organization 😉

And medical research and science IS all about the unknown. And really none of it is ever really knowing, but just informed, reasoned speculation based on years and years of practical and theoretical research.

What makes my thing so wiggy is there just isn't that much "there there" yet. No one still knows or has any really accepted theory as to why and how cluster headaches begin. Who they strike and why? Or really how to treat them. It's a lot of throwing darts.

For example. I ran a student-athlete leadership seminar at the college.  We met four times a year, always in the evening. Had this woman from the NCAA in to lead the session that evening and I was sitting in the back when out of nowhere my world was set on fire.  I ran out of the room, which, by the way was right to a balcony overlooking the basketball court - two more steps and I wouldn't be here — completely blind and I have no idea what happened next.  I woke up about 30 minutes later, bathed in sweat against a wall, my nose running my left eye watering and my head pounding.
Since it was at night and we had the building to ourselves, no one saw me until I came to. So I somehow drove home and then luckily it started again just a few minutes later — and not when I was driving. 
Anyway it went like that for horrifying week and several doctors appointments, brain scans, etc, until I walked into this referral to my current neuros office and he looked at my temple at the way the blood vessels were enlarged and said "you are experiencing cluster headaches". Nothing was cured, but my world starting getting better that day.

Conversely, my wife's friend's husband? Healthy, I think he was younger than I was so mid 30's? - he was in a car accident and suffered a minor head injury. The next week he started with cluster headaches.

I mean I understand that sometimes I could be so busy that my work got crazy, but that leadership seminar was NOT a "car wreck". 😉. There's no discernable connection between his story and mine. And my neuro has told me other stories like that. It baffles them.
It's rare (thank God) and seemingly random. Someday you hope they'll unlock the causality and that will lead to more targeted treatments.

Hi Allie and Lori

Thank you for your replies and from this nerdy person, I will have to recognize the superior wisdom and knowledge that you posses in regards to migraines and hormones.

I did mention hormone issues in a message to Lori and I have not really had the chance to reply to her.  However, just like I have just mentioned above.  I will have to recognize the superior wisdom and knowledge that Lori posses in regards to hormones.

You are my sensei's, Imallie and Lori.

Love and Hugs to Both
Sarah B
PS  One caveat from me, there have been main stream scientists who have said one thing and have been totally proven wrong.  For example Barry J. Marshall and J. Robin Warren. for their discovery of "the bacterium Helicobacter pylori, which causes ulcers and not stress as the main stream scientists said so.

@imallie
@LoriDee

So it will be a long time before the hologram Dr can fix the pathways with his scan tool. Must be random electrical signals? or an electrolyte imbalance to my mechanics thoughts. But then what do I know.
 I told my friend who is suffering from depresion, she always has had mood swings and she recons she is bi polar, to eat properly as she skips meals and eats rubbish. How can your brain work if you dont eat a balanced diet so it gets fed the protein and vitamins it needs and stay off the alcohol !! 

Quote from: davina61 on March 15, 2024, 11:52:55 AMSo it will be a long time before the hologram Dr can fix the pathways with his scan tool. Must be random electrical signals? or an electrolyte imbalance to my mechanics thoughts. But then what do I know.
 I told my friend who is suffering from depresion, she always has had mood swings and she recons she is bi polar, to eat properly as she skips meals and eats rubbish. How can your brain work if you dont eat a balanced diet so it gets fed the protein and vitamins it needs and stay off the alcohol !! 

The official medical position, on your suggestion of eating a balanced diet and abstaining from alcohol as a treatment plan for depression and/or bi-polar disorder? I can tell you without question what that would be:

"It can't hurt!"

Even so, the brain and its inner workings are a hazy mystery. And as bad as I have things, so many folks have it much worse, and I count those with clinical depression among them. Sure, they don't have the pain levels I do, but basically there is a blanket cast over their whole life, blocking out any possibility of joy or happiness getting through. I couldn't imagine. Could. Not. Imagine.

Here's a random "the brain works in mysterious ways" thing for you. My neurologist loves this one. So as some of you know, my nightly cluster headache is/was at 1:07 am. On the dot. Until daylight savings time, and now of course it is at 2:07 am. No big deal right, not that impressive?

Well, over the next several weeks, it will migrate BACK to 1:07 am. I will have a few days where it might be at a random time between 1:07 and 2:07. those are the times when I've broken iPads, glasses, etc.. fallen down... all bad stuff. So now I just have to stay ready the whole hour.  Until it moves back.

There is NO reason for that. Other than, because it happens, cluster headaches are also called "alarm clock headaches" not just "suicide headaches." 

Interesting discussion with my wife tonight... very productive, which I needed.

As mentioned, yesterday was the family funeral which I had to miss for my treatment. Well apparently it was a bag full of cats worth of snarling and sniping, between the deceased's siblings, and a bit about the relationship with our side of the family ... plus my one sister was still upset (unbelievably) that I was "snippy" with her the night before...

Anyway, as my one sister said in giving me the recap: "I think with 40 needles in your head, you got off easiest of all of us."  ;D

I share that mostly because, I had hoped to work on the family letter tonight, but all that stuff 100% did not have me in the mindset to do it. I know it would have been passive-aggressive, at best. Plus, the fact that I really want to move forward with things, and I really thought that telling our son would be a virtual starter's pistol for transition, and instead it has been more like the lighting of an Olympic Torch - it's an extremely big, memorable moment... but afterwards, nothing really happens right away.

So back to tonight. Moving forward became our dinner topic, at our weekly Lenten fish taco meal at this wonderful Mexican place near us. (BTW, when we arrived tonight, one of the waitresses came over to us as we arrived and said "Oh, so happy to see you... but I am so sorry to tell you, we are out of fish tonight."  It took us a beat to realize she was teasing us. We knew we were treated as regulars but it's a whole new level now, apparently  :D )

Regarding the letter... we agreed that there is no world in which we will not tell all my sisters together. Telling one or two before the others is a non-starter. Our preference continues to be to set up a lunch, send a letter the night before and thus giving them the option of not attending if they are uncomfortable.  My wife raised one logistical hurdle - normally when we set up that kind of lunch, everyone brings spouses. But we kind of just want my sisters there. And it's kind of weird to set up a benign lunch but make THAT request.

So I think we left it that we'll set up the lunch, and in the letter I'd say I'd prefer that just they come... but if they chose to bring spouses, and assuming they too are supportive... then that's got to be ok.

But the thing is, this can't keep lingering. I told her I really would love to just write this and send it this weekend. And she talked me off that ledge. She asked which way did I think, in the long run would be better and have the higher probability of success. And by far it's the one where there will be the in-person meeting. I know that fully. I just needed to hear it.

Lastly, we spoke about hair. That salon I've mentioned in the past is like an hour from here, but it's not too far from a town we've gone to from time to time for lunch... and there's a movie theater there... so we can easily schedule a visit there as part of a weekend morning if we need to go every 5-6 weeks. So I wrote to the owner and started the ball rolling. Hopefully I can get on the books for early/mid April.

I apologize for the long, meandering entry... but that conversation felt like it moved the ball forward some, and I really needed it.

Love,
Allie

P.S. Oh, speaking of things I needed... I always leave my face alone for a day after electrolysis, so today was my first day shaving this week. And after I was out of the shower, I, unusually, got caught sort of staring at my face in the mirror. And for the first time in a while I really started to see changes.

My wife works from home on Friday, so I went out and asked her honestly if she sees them, and she said "maybe...?" but then I grabbed a baseball cap and put it on, covering up my very obviously balding head, so it puts the focus just on my face and the long hair sticking out the back of the cap. And she immediately nodded and said, "yeah, 100%"

Quote from: imallie on March 15, 2024, 10:52:52 PMAnd after I was out of the shower, I, unusually, got caught sort of staring at my face in the mirror. And for the first time in a while I really started to see changes.

My wife works from home on Friday, so I went out and asked her honestly if she sees them, and she said "maybe...?" but then I grabbed a baseball cap and put it on, covering up my very obviously balding head, so it puts the focus just on my face and the long hair sticking out the back of the cap. And she immediately nodded and said, "yeah, 100%"

Its so affirming to see the changes. Slow as they might be. I hope you are taking lots of pictures to look back on.
Hugs Gina 

Quote from: imallie on March 15, 2024, 10:52:52 PMInteresting discussion with my wife tonight... very productive, which I needed.

Yay!

Quote"I think with 40 needles in your head, you got off easiest of all of us."  ;D

I doubt that. I'd choose the bag of cats.

As bad as my chronic migraine was for years, no doctor could talk me into Botox. I wish I could have braved it. But Butcher's Broom and hemp oil did a lot, and naps. I'm afraid that stress was/is a huge factor, even though my stress is SO much lower than it used to be. But then, my migraines are MUCH milder than they used to be.

Your 40 needles got me adding up the needles that I got for allergy testing a week ago. ~60. I didn't know it would be that bad, so without anticipation, I rolled with it. I almost burst out screaming and flailing but then they were done.

QuoteI really thought that telling our son would be a virtual starter's pistol for transition, and instead it has been more like the lighting of an Olympic Torch - it's an extremely big, memorable moment... but afterwards, nothing really happens right away.

🤣

That's where we are after telling my kids.

QuoteRegarding the letter... Our preference continues to be to set up a lunch, send a letter the night before... I'd prefer that just they come... but if they chose to bring spouses, and assuming they too are supportive... then that's got to be ok.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. So much to consider as we anticipate these celebrations. May yours be a celebration!

QuoteThat salon I've mentioned in the past is like an hour from here, but it's not too far from a town we've gone to from time to time for lunch... and there's a movie theater there... so we can easily schedule a visit there as part of a weekend morning if we need to go every 5-6 weeks.

What a marvelous way to do it! Similarly, no electrologists are near us, let alone trans-friendly ones, so we'll need to schedule the appointments with nearby attractions. Thanks for inspiring us to see it that way.

QuoteAnd for the first time in a while I really started to see changes.

My wife works from home on Friday, so I went out and asked her honestly if she sees them, and she said "maybe...?" but then I grabbed a baseball cap and put it on, covering up my very obviously balding head, so it puts the focus just on my face and the long hair sticking out the back of the cap. And she immediately nodded and said, "yeah, 100%"

YES! 🎉

Thanks Gina, thanks Moonflower!

Gina: yea I need to do better with the pics. For a while I was doing weekly pics but they started to deflate me a bit. It just started looking like I was starting a weird scrapbook entitled "different shirts that I own" 🙄😂

Moonflower: Botox needles are fine. I mean, I guess with migraines and clusters my pain tolerance is high. I doze off during electrolysis. I did used to get nerve blocks for my migraines. THOSE needles were something else. My wife was in the room for that procedure once. ONCE. She said it was horrifying. I watched her get an epidural during childbirth so- we're even!

Oh by the way, hair lady got back to me this morning. Which is very impressive in and off itself. Email at 1 am Friday night, salon owner replies 7:30 am Saturday?
Plus she not only answered all my questions she gave me more info and asked other questions I hadn't thought of. She asked for some pics which I just sent as well.
But one of the big things she brought up was "do you want to stay gray or are you open to another color?"
She explained that gray hair is largely synthetic - so it doesn't wear as well, look as good and won't be as hale/hearty for beach life.
Both my wife and I had the same immediate reaction. Well, she then quickly shifted to "it's completely up to you"... but her face said what I was feeling: with so many other changes I am throwing at people I just thought suddenly having a radically different hair color seems like such a big, unnecessary swing.
But if it's really that much more practical then I need to at least go in with an open mind. So that will be the plan. She's fully onboard.

So we will see what hair lady says in response to the pics!
🤞
Love,
Allie

Quote from: imallie on March 16, 2024, 08:46:33 AMwith migraines and clusters my pain tolerance is high. I doze off during electrolysis.

:eusa_think: I hope my wife can, too

QuoteI did get used to get nerve blocks for my migraines. THOSE needles were something else.

I made appointments for nerve blocks several times...

QuoteI watched her get an epidural during childbirth so- we're even!

Fortunately my kids were born too fast for an epidural. Jet propelled! My first one was born just after the nurse told my husband to go take a break because I'd be a while. My second one was born as soon as I arrived at the birthing center even though we left home as soon as labor started. My third one was born on the way to the birthing center.

Quote from: Moonflower on March 16, 2024, 09:20:26 AM:eusa_think: I hope my wife can, too

I made appointments for nerve blocks several times...

Fortunately my kids were born too fast for an epidural. Jet propelled! My first one was born just after the nurse told my husband to go take a break because I'd be a while. My second one was born as soon as I arrived at the birthing center even though we left home as soon as labor started. My third one was born on the way to the birthing center.

Wow! Yeah, my wife doesn't recall the epidural at all... just me. Burned into my mind. It's funny, I USED to have an issue with needles. Not any more!

As for nerve blocks? I have to say the first time I did them they were transformative.

Right now, I would rate my pain level as zero. Because my daily migraine will not start for 60-90 minutes. However, it really is not zero. It's probably what a normal human person would call a 2-3. But it's MY zero, you know?

Well the first time I got a nerve block it went to ACTUAL zero and it was like I was breathing air for the first time. It was glorious. And it was instantaneous. It lasted about 16 hours and then the migraine came back with such ferocity ... it was something to behold.

Still, it was a worthwhile trade. The pain of the blocks, the post-blocks rebound... for that window.

But the window got increasingly smaller each round - 12 hours, 8 hours, and then 4 hours. They added steroids into the mix which supposedly extends it, which moved it back to 8 hours... but since it wasn't cumulative like the Botox, and I was doing that concurrently... I finally decided to bag that one. It wasn't worth all the hassle.

Moonflower, it's great having you in Allie's blog.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 16, 2024, 11:38:16 AMMoonflower, it's great having you in Allie's blog.

Yes, very much agree!

Please, make yourself comfortable.

Also, don't forget to tip your waitstaff. And try the veal...😉

Heard back again from the hair lady in response to my pics.

She said my hair would work great. She said a topper would be exactly what I need, at it would attach with "beads" on the sides and back (not exactly sure what that means, other than it's not glued nor sewn in...) and it would have to taped in the front, which makes sense as there's nothing to attach to there.
She said a light brown would be her first thought, color-wise. And while I'm open... my wife brought up a few other points at lunch, things we at least need to consider when we are discussing it during the appointment.

1. Obviously if I go with a color change now I'm committing to coloring my hair to match the topper. Does that increase the frequency of my visits the salon? What does it do to the costs (less worried about that... can't imagine it's THAT prohibitive)

2. The hair lady had originally mentioned that were I not fully out, the topper could initially be put on with clips, so that I could remove it when I desired if I was going back and forth between modes. That's fine. But if I'm coloring my hair isn't the jig already up? So does that mean I cannot do this at all until fully out?

She (my wife) also just wanted to know more about hair dying, and what it does to the hair, etc..we both had moms who dyed their hair and have a flashbacks to various parts of that.

I don't think any of it is prohibitive, in fact I'm going to look for a Saturday upcoming on the calendar and book an appointment and we'll go from there.

🤞
Love,
Allie

Wow, Allie. Change is afoot. Oops, I mean a head.

Quote from: imallie on March 16, 2024, 09:42:51 AMAs for nerve blocks? I have to say the first time I did them they were transformative.

I couldn't get on the calendar quickly enough while I was still brave. I had the dry needling because those doctors were immediately available, but, like your nerve blocks, it decreased in effectiveness.

QuoteRight now, I would rate my pain level as zero. Because my daily migraine will not start for 60-90 minutes. However, it really is not zero. It's probably what a normal human person would call a 2-3. But it's MY zero, you know?

Yes. I do know. Your Botox experience sounds so worthwhile!

I imagine that it's tempting and aggravating to buzz around now getting loads done before the attack. I'm continuing to learn not to do such a thing.

QuoteWell the first time I got a nerve block it went to ACTUAL zero and it was like I was breathing air for the first time.

Talking about breathing, I went to an otolaryngologist (ear nose throat dr) once for my swollen eustachean tubes. He showed us the damage that a soccer ball did to my nasal area when I was a teenager, visible in the CT scan. He proposed extensive surgery, claiming that it could eliminate the migraine (which, by the way, began when I went through menopause). I got a second opinion. That dr agreed with the CT scan radiologist who stated that my deviation from the norm was only mild. I suppose that some people might benefit from such surgery. Have you considered any such thing?

QuoteIt was glorious. And it was instantaneous. It lasted about 16 hours and then the migraine came back with such ferocity ... it was something to behold.

Still, it was a worthwhile trade. The pain of the blocks, the post-blocks rebound... for that window.

But the window got increasingly smaller each round... I finally decided to bag that one. It wasn't worth all the hassle.

So sorry 😟 😞 😔

I dye my hair just incase the grey shows under my wig, mid brown to match the hairy hat! Just a do it yourself kit, if you do be careful as it will stain your skin.

Quote from: Moonflower on March 16, 2024, 04:29:08 PMYes. I do know. Your Botox experience sounds so worthwhile!

Very very much so. My chief neurologist, who has been doing this for quite a long time, considers it the best treatment all things considered. While he's always looking at new options for me (with my condition insurance approves me for ANYTHING... um, yea me? 🤔🙄😂) he is loathe to just put "another poison" in my body without feeling it was going to be helpful.
And he teamed up with one of the nation's leaders in pain management - and it is that doc who, pre-pandemic my wife used to have to drive me an hour to visit for each Botox session. Because he did sedation with Botox, it took hours. But he was great. Loved working with both of them, but he moved on to a national role and left his practice... so now I do it locally with another colleague of my neuro who is wonderful.
But Botox is cumulative, so who knows how much further along I'd be without the pandemic reset?
So yeah, if there's any way to swing it... I think it would bring relief. Just NOT immediate.

Quote from: Moonflower on March 16, 2024, 04:29:08 PMTalking about breathing, I went to an otolaryngologist (ear nose throat dr) once for my swollen eustachean tubes. He showed us the damage that a soccer ball did to my nasal area when I was a teenager, visible in the CT scan. He proposed extensive surgery, claiming that it could eliminate the migraine (which, by the way, began when I went through menopause). I got a second opinion. That dr agreed with the CT scan radiologist who stated that my deviation from the norm was only mild. I suppose that some people might benefit from such surgery. Have you considered any such thing?

First off, so glad you got the second opinion!

And that's one thing that has not yet been suggested to me. However, because of the mysterious nature of migraines & clusters, it's incredible how EVERY specialist always thinks what they do will be the cure. Let's see what's an example? Oh here's a good one : My dentist thought that dental implants would fix my bite and cure my headaches.

So your ENT suggesting ENT surgery? Not shocking. 😂

Allie, I wear both wigs and toppers. Full wigs in the winter, and toppers in the summer. It just gets too hot. My toppers clip in, and as you mentioned, I have no hair to clip to in the front. My stylist recently had a gentleman client who wears toupees. He had just moved here from the UK and asked if she could order a special wig tape that he uses. She placed the order with an extra quantity for me to try.
I removed the front clips and use the tape. It works very well and holds securely all day long. In the kit was Lace Release Spray which is just rubbing alcohol, but it neutralizes the adhesive so you can pull the tape off your skin and from the topper without damaging it.

Quote from: LoriDee on March 16, 2024, 07:29:04 PMAllie, I wear both wigs and toppers. Full wigs in the winter, and toppers in the summer. It just gets too hot. My toppers clip in, and as you mentioned, I have no hair to clip to in the front. My stylist recently had a gentleman client who wears toupees. He had just moved here from the UK and asked if she could order a special wig tape that he uses. She placed the order with an extra quantity for me to try.
I removed the front clips and use the tape. It works very well and holds securely all day long. In the kit was Lace Release Spray which is just rubbing alcohol, but it neutralizes the adhesive so you can pull the tape off your skin and from the topper without damaging it.

Hey Lori -

Sorry, not sure I quite understand. When you say it gets too hot - do you mean the wig or the topper? Or both?

And as you described, I have nothing to attach to in the front. So they were talking about attaching via beads along the sides and back... that would be the "permanent" placement, in that I woudn't, as I understand it, remove it at all between visits (every 5-6 weeks). That sounds ideal to me.

Just doesn't work until I'm fully out.

So I know one of the things people really enjoy about wigs is you can go easily from looks to look on any given day, is that why you choose not to something with a longer-term attachment?

Apologies for what probably are naive questions... this is a whole new area for me. Just trying to get up to speed.

Thanks!

The full-coverage wigs are too hot to wear in the summer. In winter when it's 4 below zero it's a welcome hair hat (as Davina said). The topper only covers the top so my hair is visible flowing out from under. The construction is a monofilament weave with open wefts that allow heat to escape.

I have never heard of the beads, but I believe you are correct. Like extensions that stay in between sessions. Toppers and wigs come off at the end of the day and offer flexibility in color and style. If you are not sure what color you want to go to, why not try a wig or topper to experiment with? If you saw my Progression album, you can see the different styles and colors that I tried.

You have to scroll down past my Army pics.

The Story of Lori Progression (https://imgur.com/a/AEZXBWe)

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 16, 2024, 04:15:19 PMWow, Allie. Change is afoot. Oops, I mean a head.

😂

Yes, ma'am!

And it's funny, this last year has been all about the "incremental change."  My wardrobe slowly changing without anyone really noticing... my body slowly changing without anyone really noticing... hair lengthening with a story.. new glasses... etc..

But if one day I am going to go from gray on the sides and back and down to the wood up top, to full head of light brown hair with a feminine cut.  Well, I'd say it's hard to work "incremental" into that action plan.

Quote from: LoriDee on March 16, 2024, 07:50:14 PMThe full-coverage wigs are too hot to wear in the summer. In winter when it's 4 below zero it's a welcome hair hat (as Davina said). The topper only covers the top so my hair is visible flowing out from under. The construction is a monofilament weave with open wefts that allow heat to escape.

I have never heard of the beads, but I believe you are correct. Like extensions that stay in between sessions. Toppers and wigs come off at the end of the day and offer flexibility in color and style. If you are not sure what color you want to go to, why not try a wig or topper to experiment with? If you saw my Progression album, you can see the different styles and colors that I tried.

You have to scroll down past my Army pics.

The Story of Lori Progression (https://imgur.com/a/AEZXBWe)

Ok that's what I thought you meant - meaning that the "hair hats" were too hot. From the start, I just didn't want to go that way. The idea of something being more permanently attached — even if it's just for a month at a time, from a lifestyle perspective, really appeals to me.

But we will go meet with this hair lady. She comes highly recommended, and I am always inclined to listen to experts in their field. That's how we learn, and avoid... well, easily avoidable mistakes.

I have seen your timeline photos, Lori. And I just looked again. A) they're remarkable. B) they're remarkable, and C) well, they're remarkable. And since they are remarkable (did I mention that?) I should, by definition, remark on them.  So I will:

With regard to hair, especially, you are someone who very clearly right from the get-go, either listened to someone who knew what they were doing, or just got it. You'd expect, and understand, those first "wow, remember THAT!" pictures when you were just working it all out... but right from the start, it all suited you.

Beyond impressed. It's a really high bar, and I won't be in the least disappointed if I don't get anywhere near it.

Love,
Allie

You will get there.

I was getting ready for an appointment, so hair make-up, etc. As I was about to walk out the door, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. For the first time in my life I felt like, "Hey, I know you! That's me and I look pretty good." As you try different colors and styles over time, you will get one of those moments.

Hello, Gorgeous!

Quote from: LoriDee on March 16, 2024, 08:03:13 PMYou will get there.

I was getting ready for an appointment, so hair make-up, etc. As I was about to walk out the door, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. For the first time in my life I felt like, "Hey, I know you! That's me and I look pretty good." As you try different colors and styles over time, you will get one of those moments.

Hello, Gorgeous!

Well said LoriDee. Those moments are wonderful.

Quote from: imallie on March 16, 2024, 06:13:00 PMMy dentist thought that dental implants would fix my bite and cure my headaches.

My dentist was the one who noticed that my headaches were worsening and suggested that I see a neurologist. He also recommended a number of dental procedures. I followed through on the bite realignment, which stopped my grinding my teeth, but seemed to have no affect on my migraine.

Quote from: Moonflower on March 17, 2024, 10:16:33 AMMy dentist was the one who noticed that my headaches were worsening and suggested that I see a neurologist. He also recommended a number of dental procedures. I followed through on the bite realignment, which stopped my grinding my teeth, but seemed to have no affect on my migraine.

Yes, we are simpatico. Love my implants, but they have zero impact on my migraines and clusters. But very happy with them.

Still there's a catnip quality to migraines for some reasons, every manner of doc thinks they have a cure. Can't imagine what podiatry and gynecology have to offer to the discourse ... 🤔

Quote from: imallie on March 17, 2024, 11:30:50 AMStill there's a catnip quality to migraines for some reasons, every manner of doc thinks they have a cure. Can't imagine what podiatry and gynecology have to offer to the discourse ... 🤔

🤣

My allergist, cardiologist and pulmonologist haven't offered anything  . . .  yet

Quote from: Moonflower on March 17, 2024, 12:41:49 PM🤣

My allergist, cardiologist and pulmonologist haven't offered anything  . . .  yet

Allergists live for that stuff!

In all seriousness, one thing I did want to mention... I know that pain management of migraines is very much YMMV. I've been using hydrocodone for a decade or so, in all sorts of doses, at a various times (30 minutes before, during, right after it breaks, etc) all with varying degrees of efficacy. And how much they help changes from day to day.

There was one non-narcotic solution that I found helpful for a while, and my neuro is a big fan of it. Our insurance switched a sub-provider at some point so it was no longer available as an option for me... plus we did get a bit uncomfortable with the big tank in the house - but that solution is high-level oxygen.

You breathe in 100% oxygen for five minutes, and it causes your blood vessels to dilate and reduces vasoconstriction. Like everything else, it didn't help all the time, and I tried it mostly around my clusters... but sometimes for migraines as well (since it was oxygen... you can't overdose on it!) and when it helped, it was as good as any powerful pain reliever.

Just wanted to throw that out there, depending on how you're doing with pain mangement, as it's at least something to discuss with your doc next time you confer about your treatment.

Love,
Allie

Oh and little news from lunch.

Because of the pics I had to take for the hair lady, I had this particulary good photo (in terms of lighting and position - not how I looked) straight on of my face that my wife took.

I couldn't help throwing it into the FaceApp thing. Mostly because I wanted to see it with hair. I first just clicked on long hair (not the gender tab) and that was pretty good, and then as an alternative I did try to less extreme first gender option... but while that did a bit better with the hair, that does alter the face in ways that are subtle but powerful.

Even so... because we'd been talking about it so much, for the first time ever, I showed those to my wife.

I very much hesitated, though. Not for long... just probably for a few hours before I did it.

Look, we are miles past the point where I have any doubt of her unconditional support for me. At its peak, to be honest, my doubt level was 1%, and even THAT was unfounded paranoia... so it wasn't that.

It's just that I'm still sensitive about making my journey the sole adventure of our lives. I know she will see all this in time, be part of all the choices... but... I don't, I just... part of me wanted to let her have her Sunday, I guess.

Ultimately I thought it made sense to share it. Can't figure out if it was a wholly selfish move. I hope not. She was like "Oh, ok... yeah I can see that now."  And that was that.

And then back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Love,
Allie

QuoteIt's just that I'm still sensitive about making my journey the sole adventure of our lives. I know she will see all this in time, be part of all the choices... but... I don't, I just... part of me wanted to let her have her Sunday, I guess.

I've said again and again what a good woman your wife is. Well, you too, Allie. However, she should get a glimpse of what's coming. Sharing is fair.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 17, 2024, 02:27:09 PMI've said again and again what a good woman your wife is. Well, you too, Allie. However, she should get a glimpse of what's coming. Sharing is fair.

Yeah she's really something. And that was true going way back.

And you are spot on. I think ultimately that was where I landed. I didn't think it made sense that the first time she'd see the visual would be at the hair salon. That's a lot to take in all at once - for both of us. AND when we're making choices about things. Here she can now have a taste and just begin to process it a bit.
Because as much as I know she knew it was coming, seeing it still a different level.

QuoteBecause as much as I know she knew it was coming, seeing it still a different level.

Yep.

Say, Allie, is transferring some hair from the back of your head to the front to better anchor the topper something you've considered?

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 18, 2024, 10:57:34 AMYep.

Say, Allie, is transferring some hair from the back of your head to the front to better anchor the topper something you've considered?

Well, sure, now that you mentioned it — by the very definition of the word I have considered it. 😉

But in truth, I think unless we were really sold on its efficacy and cost-effectiveness, it wouldn't be what I'd start with. That is largely borne out of the ignorance of having worn none of these things before. I certainly am open to having my mind changed from experience, of course.

My wife and I did discuss, and dismiss, full-on hair implants as an option early on. I think the coverage area is just too big and I'd rather get to a solution more quickly than that.

Love,
Allie

P.S. "Not really" would also work as a response to your question, if you prefer the non-word salad version.😘 Sorry about that! 🙄

Quote from: imallie on March 17, 2024, 01:36:54 PMI've been using hydrocodone

One Emergency Room doctor sent me home with some one time. It didn't work in the ER, so I didn't try it at home.

Quote100% oxygen for five minutes, and it causes your blood vessels to dilate and reduces vasoconstriction...

Just wanted to throw that out there, depending on how you're doing with pain mangement, as it's at least something to discuss with your doc next time you confer about your treatment.

Thank you ❤️

My doctors have considered oxygen and decided against it several times. A few times, I remembered to check my O2 level during a migraine, and it's always been good.

I've had 3 sleep studies in the past 6 months, each of which showed that my O2 level stayed good most of the time while I was sleeping, especially when I stay off of my back. I'm due for a fourth study after I figure out how to stay off of my back.

I had several pulmonary function tests during the past year at 3 different facilities, and all showed good O2 levels and lung capacities.

When Sumatriptan works for me, I think it's because it constricts my blood vessels. My blood pressure tends to run low, but I never felt well enough to measure it during a migraine; my anxiety and pain sensitivity skyrocket. I take Butcher's Broom for my low blood pressure because it constricts blood vessels, and found that it unexpectedly reduced my migraines. I've been on Midodrine for a year to raise my blood pressure and I haven't used a triptan in a year 🥳

Still, I was waking up to a migraine every morning . . . except the morning after my December sleep study. I woke up feeling SO WELL, I did yoga as celebration! We've been trying to recreate the circumstances. Certain foods? no. Stay up later? no. Closed up bedroom overnight or all day? no. Air filter running all day? no.

This past week I've been waking up feeling no pain. My wife has been waking me after just 6 hours of sleep, like they did at the December sleep study. Breaking up my sleep seems to be a key. Now I need to figure out when to take a daily nap so I feel well-rested. 😞😴

Thanks for all of your sharing and care.