Quote from: Allison_suddenly on Yesterday at 09:31:46 PMI (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

I do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

When I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

Hmmm - so, just to get this straight - you are going to do something out of spite, that will hurt you and the woman you married (and I am guessing love?).. because.. why?.. it will hurt her more? it will hurt you..   
Maybe you need to stop acting like a 16 year old and more like the mature 40 something you proport to be?..

Maybe just for a second, have a look at what bombshell you dropped on your partner 4 months ago and ascertain how you accommodated her feelings in this after '24 years of happy marriage'.  If 'verbal abuse' is her being angry at you, then maybe consider what is driving that anger and how would be best to negotiate the way forward.. pouting, doing things out of spite and generally feeling sorry for yourself will end in your divorce and honey, you will have nothing to say about that. A marriage is a partnership, work together or move apart.

Hi Allison,

Your story appears to be a mirror image of mine. My wife and I wave settled on a status quo that requires me to only show my feminine side inside the house, but outside she insists of me presenting male. I am not happy with the status quo, but we are limping along.

I just wanted to let you know that whatever works for you is fine. You might be able to preserve your current status, but you also might not, only time will tell. There is nothing wrong with your current approach if it works for you both.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

I really know what you are going through as it happened and still happening to me too, except it was turned on its head. My wife wants nothing to do with me and only wants me to be deadname but does not care what I do outside the home. This started when I came out to her 5 years ago.

I too started very slowly thinking I could handle that but I could not I had to transition or I would not be here. But she still insists that I cannot be myself at home. I live two lives home and not home, changing in my car for work and social where I am fully socially transitioned and stealth.

She does not understand, she never will. But we get on, I will never leave her because with all the strife I love her. I still wear my ring it will never come off even though she does not wear hers.

So please do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Going back to anger is not the solution. Work with the compromises. It can and does get better(ish). Give it time.

We are all different but you are not alone, we are all here to help each other.

I have a blog where I put all my thoughts, the good and the bad. It helps me and it's for me. You could do one too 

Hugs sister
Jessica xxx

Hi everyone,

I'm Allison, 49 years old from Singapore. I only accepted I am a transwoman sometime in January 2024. But I've been questioning on and off for about 5 years. Prior to that I had no idea and was probably in denial. I had occasional fantasies about being a woman but assumed that all cis people had those.

However, from a young age I've been obsessed with gender change as a concept. I used to hungrily devour any books, news or magazine articles about transgender people. I would read transgender erotica online later in life and continued to do so daily for decades. There are many other signs of repressed transness sprinkled throughout my life.

Anyway, now I am questioning how far I want to take my transition. I started low dose HRT 10 weeks ago and it made me feel much better and more certain than ever that I'm trans. But I may never transition because I want to stay married to my wife of 24 years. I have come out to her and she is not supportive. But she has said she will stay married if I only continue on HRT and never live as a woman.

I know many people have said I will probably end up miserable and resenting my wife anyway, but I still feel like that's most likely the direction I will be headed.

polish Polish

@Allison_suddenly

Hello Allison,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

I see that you are a new member and this is your first post. Thank you for contributing to the discussions here.

I think that you will find that there are a few members who have been through what you are going through. We have many members who are married and have been able to work things out so they can stay together. Some have started as you are by only coming out at home. Whatever works for you is best.

You should understand that transitioning to any extent, is a personal choice. Not everyone wants or is able to go with HRT or further with surgeries or living full-time in their gender. Take your time. This is a long process. I would caution you to not do things "to spite" anyone. It is your life and you should be able to decide how you want to live. Transitioning is a difficult process and for some, it isn't worth it. That is no one's decision but yours.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments. We all come from different backgrounds and represent a wide range of experiences. No matter who you may be, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

We would like to get to know you. Once you feel comfortable here, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum and introduce yourself and tell us something about you.

Please review the links at the end of this message, they include information that will help you navigate the site and use the available features. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile. Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee

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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

I (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

I do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

When I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

Another update, and a nice one.

Of the original six friends to whom I sent my letter, I'd spoken to (or extensively communicated with) five of the six. One had texted "If it makes you happy I am 100% for it. Will talk to you later" and I've heard nothing since.

However, this hasn't bothered nor surprised me. He was literally finishing up his latest book (it was due to the publisher two days ago), selling his home, buying a home, and dealing with a very big personal issue... oh on top of his myriad of typical crazy things he does (media appearances, etc).  Just a few days before I'd sent the letter we'd spoken when he called, as he does, for advice on a bunch of things, so I knew what he was dealing with. I knew he'd call when the dust settled.

Well a few minutes ago he texted

Sore
Saro
Sira

To which I replied "Four-letter words that start with S? Do I win?"

He then called, knowing it's my bad time... but said he would make it quick. He was TRYING to text "sorry"...😂. I told him there was no need I knew what he was dealing with but he cut me off and said that doesn't matter and it's no excuse and he feels awful and he will call me first thing in the morning and he's been thinking about me and he's just really sorry he let it get to this point.

Our friendship is unique among my friends. We didn't meet until I was in my 30's. We've probably only been together a couple of dozen times? Back when I was working I would see him once or twice a year... and now it's every other year. But we used to talk daily, and while we now probably only talk monthly... he calls me for advice, had dedicated a book to me... and heck, when he was inducted into a major sports league's hall of fame? It was his wife, his brother and me who were his invited guests.

His wife, whenever she picked up the phone when I called would call out to him and say "pick up the phone... it's your "other" wife...". 😂

So I really really had no doubt where he stood, and no problem that he hadn't called. But I'm awfully glad he did tonight. This is shaping up to be a great week.

Working with stones appears to be a cool hobby.
I like the middle picture of that rock the best.

Chrissy

Scenes from a trans marriage #4336:

My wife came home this evening and said we needed to have a "fashion show."

An order of some new clothing items had come in... a pair of women's cotton polo shirts (one wintergreen with a gingham collar, the other chicory with a gingham collar), and a pair of khaki high waisted pants.

I really like the polos. In guy mode, polo shirts were my standard spring/summer attire... so making this kind of switch feels great to me.

I've been wearing polos occasionally when the weather allows lately, and one big change is that I used to always wear them with undershirts on beneath them. I guess I used to say it was that I liked the look? But really it was because I was self-conscious of all my body hair.  Well now with that not being the case, I can just wear the shirts by themselves... and it feels nice!

So during the "fashion show" I put on the new shirts and my wife said how nice they looked.

"Are you going to wear anything under it?" She said.

"I don't think so," I said. "I don't have that hair issue anymore so ... I feel like I can just wear shirts as they are."

 "Yeah... well, if it's ever chilly... I think you're at the point where you really need to wear something under the shirts," she said, smiling and pointing at my chest.

"Oh..uh... yeah I didn't really think of that," I said.

So she pulled out the old t-shirts I wore and the sports bras I have and said either one will work... so I grabbed a sports bra, tried it on underneath and she gave me a thumbs up.

Fashion show over. 😘