real   reel

Hello Allison

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that Lori has also welcomed you to Susan's Place.  I noticed in your post you said:

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on Yesterday at 09:31:46 PMI (49 MtF) came out to my wife 4 months ago. We were happily married 24 years, but the last few months have been very rough to say the least. She has verbally attacked and abused me but I remain calm and stoic. At her request, I've taken my transition slowly by not coming out and sticking to low dose HRT.

Abuse physically, verbally or being controlled by another is not right and on top of your dysphoria is not healthy for you, now or in the long term.

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on Yesterday at 09:31:46 PMI do not want to divorce at all costs, even if it means going back to being depressed and dysphoric. The HRT has made me happier and I'm certain it's right for me. But at my angriest I feel like I'd rather never transition and saddle my wife with a depressed person, just to spite her.

There are other members here on Susan's that have wife, husband and children and in some cases after a long period of time they have come to accept their partners and others that have not, which usually means divorce.  There are only three possible outcomes in your case, you get divorced and you become happy, you remain married and eventually you are able to transition to a certain extent, you remain happy to a certain point or you do not and you remain unhappy.

In all of these situation you need to seek therapy of help you and your wife decide which is the best possible solution to your dilemma.

Being angry and retaliation is never an option to solving you and your wife's problems and again you need to seek therapy to help you move forward.

Quote from: Allison_suddenly on Yesterday at 09:31:46 PMWhen I'm not as angry, I still try to find a compromise like maybe I can continue taking HRT but never socially transition. Just live as a woman at home, she has said she's ok with that. I know our marriage will never be the same again and I've accepted that fact.

Compromise is always good

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the various forums.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new from new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most of us have experienced these as well.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Allison_suddenly

Sorry for so many posts... that kind of night, I guess.

No cluster tonight (whoo hoo!) so while I am waiting for the migraine to abate (cluster is what normally breaks it -NOT that I am complaining AT ALL) I was in a good head space to take my pain meds and see if I could crank out the next version of my letter for the next friend group.

I think it's a good draft (will see in the morning when the pain/meds blinders are off), and I also took a whack at the potential list of targets -- the list stands at about 40 folks. The idea being that this will be it -- this is everyone. I think disseminating to this group will, in effect, be spreading the news far and wide.

I do think the list is a bit too large. Could probably lop off 5-10 names easy. And maybe I forgot some as well. Be curious to see my wife's take on that as well in the morning.

'night!

Love,
Allie

Thanks all for the warm welcome! I am seeing a personal gender therapist, and my wife and I went for one session of couples counselling. She didn't want to be there, and the therapist said it was pointless to continue with more sessions until my wife is ready. My wife doesn't want personal therapy either.

I have gone out in public in androgynous womenswear and enjoy it. If I have to wear men's clothes I do it reluctantly, but the dysphoria is mild. I am currently growing my hair out and ideally would like it to be at least shoulder length, but that will make male-moding harder. It's already brushing my ears and I will have to make a decision about it sooner or later.

I've also lost more than 10kg of weight and will continue to lose weight. I suspect even with low dose HRT, the weight + hair will eventually make me look extremely androgynous. Things will come to a head eventually.

Quote from: SoupSarah on Yesterday at 11:29:54 PMHmmm - so, just to get this straight - you are going to do something out of spite, that will hurt you and the woman you married (and I am guessing love?).. because.. why?.. it will hurt her more? it will hurt you..   
Maybe you need to stop acting like a 16 year old and more like the mature 40 something you proport to be?..

Maybe just for a second, have a look at what bombshell you dropped on your partner 4 months ago and ascertain how you accommodated her feelings in this after '24 years of happy marriage'.  If 'verbal abuse' is her being angry at you, then maybe consider what is driving that anger and how would be best to negotiate the way forward.. pouting, doing things out of spite and generally feeling sorry for yourself will end in your divorce and honey, you will have nothing to say about that. A marriage is a partnership, work together or move apart.

I'm not sure what more I can do. I've given in to all of her requests to slow down my transition as much as possible, and the extreme case of that is not to transition at all. She has asked me not to come out to my kids, to family, or to live as a woman for at least 6 more years. I agreed, and I intend to keep that promise no matter what. I suspect even after those 6 years, transitioning will result in a divorce so I'm mentally preparing myself for not transitioning.

Of course I'm not going to pout and sulk at home all that time, I'll try my best to be present for the marriage and I think I will be happier than my pre-HRT days.

Welcome again, Allison!

Thank you for the introduction. I sincerely hope that you and your wife can reach a resolution that you both can be happy with. As Allie said, a therapist can be a big help with communication between you and your wife but also help both of you understand what is involved and how to handle that.

If you are looking for more information or advice, you are in the right place! Feel free to reach out. Our members are here to help each other.

Jessica,

I am so sad to read of your troubles. I know you have talked about the stress at work, and it is even worse when you are stressed at home. It's like you have no place to go and just relax. I get it. I have been in similar situations and it just makes you feel stuck.

What changed things for me was to change my life and stop living for everyone else. Hate your job? Look for another. You have skills in a highly technical field. I'm not talking about in the same city. Move if you have to. Leave the negativity behind.

I realize that most people just can't pull up stakes and go, and most do not want to. I formed a plan. It took me two years to set aside money, research locations, and finally to tell people I was leaving and they were welcome to come along. No one did. That hurt, but I moved past it.

The people who were special to me got left behind because apparently, I wasn't special enough to them. "If my absence doesn't matter, then my presence didn't matter."

I made new friends, some of whom have become even more dear to me. I set up alternative sources of income, found new housing to live in, and started a new life. I now live for myself and not what others expect of me. I have no regrets.

Having been there, I also know that while you are up to your armpits in it, it seems impossible to change anything. You can. You just have to want it bad enough to form a plan and make it happen. That plan could be confronting your employer or K and possibly working out a compromise. But if you are in an abusive situation at work or at home, escape is the best option.

I wish there was some way I could help, but all I can do is encourage you to seek out a solution. One or more exist. Think of it the same as troubleshooting that IC circuit. There is probably more than one way to fix the problem, from making repairs to chucking it in the trash and getting a new start. Make a strong effort to at least research your options.

Hugs!

So today I had 2 barrels from K's "and my" friend about recent events. About the passport and how she (K) will never go abroad with me again. About the fact that I male fail and we (K and I) have been called ladies by strangers such a waiters etc.

Of course I am away for work as usual when I get the wroth of the Shirls. I told K of it and she seemed surprised but said "she is my best friend and looks out for me" then added another gripe that I need to put in context first.

I think I mentioned that I have my own room. I can keep my clothes there but cannot wear them of course. But at night I put on a nightie. It's my room and my night. Of late the temperature has been rising and I found that my dressing gown was getting too warm so when I gave her breakfast in bed as I always do, I went in with just the nightie on, big mistake it seems.

For future I can cover it with a dressing gown, even though it's still visible or I must get dressed before entering her bedroom. Of course I feel anger and hurt, of course I hide it.

I do not know how to fix the male fails. Not sure I can lose the nails and jewellery it's what keeps me sane. Plus it summer and I cannot hide my shape under baggy jumpers, baggy T's just hang of my boobs and tighter ones show them.

What is so annoying is that we get on so well, we love the same things, we go out to art galleries and classical music concerts, ballets and opera. It's just this almost irrational insistence that I can only be who I was when we first met. She has changed, but I am not allowed to.

I am beginning to dislike work too, my other life. Things are not the same after the takeover and everything I do is questioned. I feel belittled. My mental health is shot. Ironically it's mental health awareness week. Lip service of course to tick a box, as they do not care I had to drive an extra 2 hours last Friday to get my laptop from the company that I am imbedded in when I am not doing R&D so they can squeeze every penny of work out of me. There was R&D work I could have done but more profit to pimp me out.

Another part of my life I have to endure to keep a roof over our heads, but no one cares about me as long as everyone else is OK. I put on such a brave face to the world but inside I am hurting big time. 

Quote from: Maid Marion on May 15, 2024, 12:10:38 AMMen and women are judged differently.  When you are a guy it is very helpful to be a tall rich guy.  Not so much for women, who are judged more on how you look. If you look good as a women, you not only get the benefit of the doubt, but some folks will show obvious favoritism toward you.  Sometimes I think that if the "Karens" of the world got treated as nicely as I did, they wouldn't have to be "Karens!"

This is why the beauty industry is huge.  Women work at looking good because they get treated better if they are successful at looking good.

What can happen is that men who get the lucky breaks that allow them to become women may discover that they are now "fish out of water."  They no longer get the lucky breaks because the rules have changed.

But, stealing from the story in "Charley Wilson's War," you never know whether a major event is really lucky or unlucky.
How can breaking your leg be a lucky break?  It may be if it keeps you from being drafted into a war!

I am so glad the real world is nothing like the fantasy you describe here Marion.

Interestingly the draft in the USA is as follows: The Selective Service System, or the draft, requires registration by law for nearly all male US citizens and male immigrants between the ages of 18 and 25. This includes US citizens born in the country, dual citizens, naturalized citizens, legal permanent residents, undocumented immigrants, refugees, asylum seekers, transgender people assigned male at birth, and people with disabilities. So there are no 'breaks' for transgender women if it comes to war!