Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I've been around this site for a little over a year now, but only a very few of you will know me. 2018 was a very hard year for my wife and I. She went through breast cancer treatment and is just starting to get back to normal. I went through skin cancer and kidney stone surgery. The good news for me was I started HRT (with my wife's approval).

I thought that the start of a new year would be a good time for me to finally start tracking my progress.

Like a lot of you, I've known my whole life that for some reason I wanted to be a girl. I won't go into depth now, but I kept it hidden and actually had a pretty successful male life. In December of 2017 I finally did something about it and contacted a gender therapist. I really just wanted to hear someone else's opinion on whether or not I was possibly trans. She pretty much knew from day one that I was, although she didn't really say it until about the 3rd session. She has helped me immensely and has also helped me find the proper medical help to ease my anxiety and dysphoria.

I started a very low dose of Estradiol and Finasteride in the middle of May (2018). About 6 weeks later my doctor doubled my dosages and I stayed on that for about 3 months. It was raised again in December.

I haven't really noticed a lot of physical changes so far. I just turned 69 at Christmas, so I had kind of accepted the fact that I had just waited too long to get started. I have seen a reduction in body hair and slowly have developed breast buds which pretty much hurt daily.

I did take pictures before I started HRT and have taken some periodically since. I've never really seen anything remotely female in any of them. I just "looked like a guy"! It has been about 3 months since I've taken any though.

So today I took some just for the record. I took some with no top just to compare. I was shocked to see how much my chest has changed. Although I definitely don't fill an A cup bra yet, I saw small female breasts! There's no way I can go without a shirt now. Although I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable presenting female in public, I guess you never know!

So I'm officially starting this log today. I'm sure that there will be ups and downs, but hopefully when I may need help or advice those of you with more experience will help me through. I look forward to this journey and any new friendships I may make along the way.

@Katie Ellen
Dear Katie:
I think it is wonderful that you started your own personal thread.  It will not only allow you to track your progress but your personal thread will be in effect your personal transition journal.   Just writing details out like you have is not only a good recap for your readers and followers but it also can be good personal therapy for you as well. 

As you might already be aware, I have my personal transition thread here on the Forums but I also keep a personal pen & paper journal at home complete with colorful doodling and appropriate snapshot photos.  I have kept a personal journal since I was in Junior High School... we called them "Diaries" back then.
I find that when I have difficult issues that I am working through that writing down my thoughts helps me to ponder and to formulate positive solutions.    When things are going well, I certainly write about those things as well.

As your thread develops more regular readers and followers you can expect joyful and congratulatory responses to your good news and when your news is not so good, you will find your readers and followers offering their ears to listen and their shoulders to lean on.

On cold and rainy nights when I am staying in, I often find myself in my comfy chair in front of my fireplace thumbing through and reviewing my journals, that is when I can gain insights as to what I need to do to overcome future difficulties and to see how to avoid future problems....  I can spend hours just reminiscing about my past life events.

I have carefully read and digested your very first posting here on your new thread and am very happy to see that you have overcome many obstacles with your and your wife's health situations.... plus you have big advantage that many other transitions continue to seek....  the approval and acceptance from your wife.  Count yourself very fortunate in that regard.

I will be eagerly following your new thread, please, if you will, continue to keep it updated as you feel comfortable doing.   
Here on the forums you will certainly come across many like-minded members here, some can become very good friends as you share your thoughts with one-another on the various threads around the Forums but also in Personal Message exchanges.

Thank you for posting your new personal thread....
...you will find it quite beneficial to you and perhaps it will provide help and encouragement to others that read it.

HUGS and well wishes,
Danielle

Great post,I am also older, and have dealt with the hormone issue for over 40 years.  I found a great doctor when I was in my late 20's, and after much testing, was even offered a sex change option---that did not feel right to me, but my hormone levels were so unusual, and I started on that regiment, and don't regret a day of it.  My high and low swings settled down, and I look more androgious. I had my stylist make my hair so that it passes either way, and that really helped.  My hormones finally leveled out when I was in my 60's and I only had to use the hormones if needed for a period of time (usually related with high-stress in my life.
I am about to resume my hormone regimen to once-again balance myself out.

Hormones can really confuse your emotions, so I am delighted you have such a great Dr.
My only suggestion from your  picture is to talk and work with your stylist for a more male/female balanced style---I have been called a lady and a man, and I don't comment, I just enjoy that my female side gets and outing.  Almost all of my styles are women's clothing, and no one has ever commented ( I do use restraint is I want to use in "neutral territory."

I hope you keep going and just know that there are lots of fellow people out there to help!
Have a Terrific New Year and enjoy having the feminine side around.
Hugs
AJ

You may never feel comfortable presenting as female in public, but you look passable in your avatar pic. In fact you look very much like an older version of my cis female cousin (she's about 50).

Hello again Katie

As you know we have had a few posts between us previously including when we both joined Susans' a year ago and I recall your and your wife's health problems which thankfully are now almost resolved.

It is wonderful to read of your helpful gender therapist and your HRT progress since you started in May. I am glad you felt the breast buds which have now developed into small boobs.

You may remember that I also sought therapy in 2017 aged 62 followed by HRT which started February 8th 2018 and you may wish to read my story which is on the HRT Board and copied below and which I shall update mid-January.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241374.0.html

We are permitted to post our Blood Test Results of E&T and you may post yours after 3&6 months but only if you wish to of course.

I wish you and your wife good health and I hope and expect to witness more of your wonderful subsequent progress on HRT.

Hugs

Pamela

Thank you all for reading and responding.

Danielle - I don't keep a diary, but I do keep a calendar that I log milestones that I reach, dosage increases, and projected goals (hopefully). I also keep a spreadsheet with my body measurements before I started HRT. I haven't notice a whole lot of change yet so I haven't added much lately. But I will. Just slowly.

AJ - Unfortunately my real hair is only about an inch and a half long right now. I've had it up to about 4" in the last year, but cut it last summer and before Christmas. Just because of a couple of social situations that I didn't want to confront. I'm lucky to have a pretty good hair situation though for my age. My hair is very fine and I was getting a little thin on the top. The Finasteride has eliminated that issue almost entirely. I believe it will grow in pretty good eventually.

BlueJaye - Some of my photos turn out pretty good, others pretty bad! I won't be able to pick and choose like that in the real world. I do know that I am my own worst critique though (as most of us are). I do wear female clothing to my therapist and doctor visits, but no make-up. I have shown my therapist some of my better photos and she would love for me to come in fully presenting. But she never pressures me. I promised her someday I would surprise her.

Hi Pamela - My 6 month BT were 150 E and 362 T. Both U.S. I don't take spiro due to my higher potassium levels, so my doctor says my T level isn't a good indicator of my progress. I guess it will lower though as Estrogen becomes more dominate. I will send you my 9 month results when I get them next month.

Thanks again. Take care.

Thank you Katie for the BT results and wishing you future happiness.

Hugs

Pamela

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 02, 2019, 11:23:11 AM
So I've been around this site for a little over a year now, but only a very few of you will know me. 2018 was a very hard year for my wife and I. She went through breast cancer treatment and is just starting to get back to normal. I went through skin cancer and kidney stone surgery. The good news for me was I started HRT (with my wife's approval).
.
. <Snipped to save space>
.
So I'm officially starting this log today. I'm sure that there will be ups and downs, but hopefully when I may need help or advice those of you with more experience will help me through. I look forward to this journey and any new friendships I may make along the way.

Welcome Back Katie,                            06 January 2019

I've really missed you and your posts here at Susan's. I'm very happy that things have turned positive for you and your wife.

I wish you both a Blessed and Healthy New Year and Every Year Thereafter.

Looking forward to seeing and reading more of your posts. I still think you pass 100%.

God Bless you, your wife and family. Take good care my friends and stay warm.

Best Always, Love
Chris

Katie

I'm glad your and your wifes medical issues are in check. That's a big deal on a lot of fronts, mentally and financially. Its great that you chose to share your journey her with all of us. I cant really offer any substantial advice as I myself just started my transition. As for "passing" I dont really care what others think of my ability to "pass"  When I am dressed as me, female, I am comfortable. For the first time in many many years I am comfortable in my own skin, I am happy, I am carrying myself more confidently. I am finally me........so who cares what everyone else thinks.......I'm finally free of my charade. So my suggestion to you is go out and be YOU!!!   Pass or no Pass its what makes you feel right. I hope I am making sense here.

Hi everyone,

I had a therapy session last Thursday, just before the site went down. I was thinking that posting some of my thoughts from my sessions would be a good way for me to keep track of how each session went and what was discussed. I tend to bounce around on subjects sometimes, so maybe this will help me stay better focused.

I think the main thing that came up last week was that I'm probably my own worst enemy. I tend to believe that I can only be my true self if others let me be. This could be anything from my family and friends, to my actual doctors. Including my therapist. The latter being ridiculous.

On my 1st visit I thought she'd never evaluate me to be trans (I was sure that I was). But she did. I never thought that I'd be approved for HRT. But I was. I never thought I could go out in public. Sorry, still haven't done that. Too worried of others approval.

I do wear women's clothes to my sessions, but I'm not truly presenting female. No make-up or wig. I'm also able to cover up my top with a jacket this time of year. Probably the boldest I get is wearing women's boots or shoes. I know she probably wishes that I would let go of that fear and come in at least one time fully presenting. Not for her, but for me.

So I've decided two things from this session.

1) I'm going to work on my make-up skills so that I can go fully presenting in the near future. Without looking ridiculous!

2) Not to be afraid to admit that my ultimate goal is to get GRS (zero depth). I've been afraid to admit that. Like I don't deserve to be happy. It may not be possible, but it won't even have a chance if I don't tell anyone.

Hopefully, just writing these things down, will help me pursue them. Maybe if I don't talk about these goals, some of you will question me on whether or not I'm avoiding them?

Next session in two weeks. Update then.

Wish me luck!

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 15, 2019, 01:51:23 PM
Hi everyone,

I had a therapy session last Thursday, just before the site went down. I was thinking that posting some of my thoughts from my sessions would be a good way for me to keep track of how each session went and what was discussed. I tend to bounce around on subjects sometimes, so maybe this will help me stay better focused.

I think the main thing that came up last week was that I'm probably my own worst enemy. I tend to believe that I can only be my true self if others let me be. This could be anything from my family and friends, to my actual doctors. Including my therapist. The latter being ridiculous.

On my 1st visit I thought she'd never evaluate me to be trans (I was sure that I was). But she did. I never thought that I'd be approved for HRT. But I was. I never thought I could go out in public. Sorry, still haven't done that. Too worried of others approval.

I do wear women's clothes to my sessions, but I'm not truly presenting female. No make-up or wig. I'm also able to cover up my top with a jacket this time of year. Probably the boldest I get is wearing women's boots or shoes. I know she probably wishes that I would let go of that fear and come in at least one time fully presenting. Not for her, but for me.

So I've decided two things from this session.

1) I'm going to work on my make-up skills so that I can go fully presenting in the near future. Without looking ridiculous!

2) Not to be afraid to admit that my ultimate goal is to get GRS (zero depth). I've been afraid to admit that. Like I don't deserve to be happy. It may not be possible, but it won't even have a chance if I don't tell anyone.

Hopefully, just writing these things down, will help me pursue them. Maybe if I don't talk about these goals, some of you will question me on whether or not I'm avoiding them?

Next session in two weeks. Update then.

Wish me luck!

Hi Katie,                                   15 January 2019

Happy New Year and it's great to see you. WOW, you look terrific in your new avatar. I am envious.

I don't think I have an answer on how to go about this transition business as I don't have much experience and medically, I haven't been at it a full year. All I can do is relate my experiences.

I have been fully wearing women's clothing for 7 years. Granted I haven't ventured wearing a dress but everything else is 100% female. I wear a lot of pink, I get lots of positive comments from women. I am enjoying it and I have commented to Dena that I think I am enjoying transition too much. I do not wear dull colors, I go for the bright female colors and I love it.

I do not care what anyone else, other than Dena, thinks. I am enjoying life, which we all have a right to do and to be happy, which we have an obligation to be. I gave up a long time ago worrying about what others think. I can't control what they think and as long as I'm not harming someone else, it's no ones business what I do.

I'm here in the Fort Worth / Dallas Metroplex, noted by some as the Bible Belt and Redneck territory, which I think is overblown. I have not encountered a single issue or problem in all this time. I out myself to almost everyone I have a conversation with. No problems and a lot of congratulations, especially from women.

Katie, you are a success and are a beautiful Woman and Lady.

Tell your wife I said hello and wish her the best.

God Bless you both, your family and friends.

Thank you for your friendship.

Keep warm.

Best Always, Love
Christine 

Chris - You are too kind!

Katie, it sounds like you are getting some good self-awareness from your therapy sessions.  That is great: it is what therapy is all about.

Don't be afraid to push the boundaries of your comfort zone a little bit.  Making big changes all at once is scary so we back away from them.  But not making changes reinforces the status quo.  So aim for little changes, just a tad farther than you are comfortable with.

I started out going to my therapy sessions in full male mode.  I gradually worked up through androgynous fem-ish male to full femme.  Support groups offer a similar safe space to try out your presentation and work on your self-confidence.

Don't be afraid to share your new awarenesses with your therapist on your next session.  That will give tham a better idea of your thought processes and what kind of internal progress you are making.

Katie, I'm glad to see you with your own topic. Now you can inspire others with your progress.

Pushing the boundaries of comfort can be a big help. Once you push forward and settle back a little, that's the new normal. Time to push forward a little further. I look forward to reading more.

Kathy ... why is it that no matter when I log on or what I want to post, you're already there using my words??

Quote from: Faith on January 16, 2019, 07:40:05 AM
Kathy ... why is it that no matter when I log on or what I want to post, you're already there using my words??

Great minds think alike?   :D

Had to cancel my therapy session for today due to a snow storm. I drive 50 miles one way to it, so it would have been a long, slow, nail biter! Not the end of the world. I'm doing OK, just a little disappointed.

Living in the mid-west US can really suck sometimes. It's been a pretty mild winter up until last week. Thursday evening we had ice that formed from rain during the day, and I slipped and fell on my down slopping driveway that was covered with black ice. Back has been pretty sore ever since. I'm sure it's just a muscle, but you don't recover as fast when you're older.

Now this snow and bitter cold to follow. Oh well. Glad I'm retired!

QuoteI haven't really noticed a lot of physical changes so far. I just turned 69 at Christmas, so I had kind of accepted the fact that I had just waited too long to get started. I have seen a reduction in body hair and slowly have developed breast buds which pretty much hurt daily.

I'm 65 and should be starting on Estradiol shortly.  I'm also wondering about the changes to expect at my age.  However, I don't have a therapist.  I just told my doctor I wanted hormones and was given a referral to an endocrinologist.  In Ontario, where I live, hormones are on informed consent.

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 28, 2019, 08:58:59 AM
Had to cancel my therapy session for today due to a snow storm. I drive 50 miles one way to it, so it would have been a long, slow, nail biter! Not the end of the world. I'm doing OK, just a little disappointed.

Living in the mid-west US can really suck sometimes. It's been a pretty mild winter up until last week. Thursday evening we had ice that formed from rain during the day, and I slipped and fell on my down slopping driveway that was covered with black ice. Back has been pretty sore ever since. I'm sure it's just a muscle, but you don't recover as fast when you're older.

Now this snow and bitter cold to follow. Oh well. Glad I'm retired!

Hi Katie,                       28 January 2019

Sorry you had the "slip-on" with the black ice; that stuff is sneaky and dangerous. If Your back isn't better in a couple of days, you might want to head for the ER for a quick check. I lived in Ohio, Akron and Cuyahoga Falls, for many years. The only place I like to see snow is on mountains and in pictures. I hope when I get to Phoenix I never have to experience it again except in the aforementioned places.

Take care of yourself, tell your wife I said hello. Wishing you both a Happy and Healthy everyday.

Best Always, Love Always
Christine

So a little bit of an odd feeling yesterday.

My regular GP, who is part of my HRT team, is on maternity leave. I decided to go and have my back looked at just to make sure it wasn't anything more than a muscle bruise or strain (I recently fell on the ice). The doctor who is handling her patients in her absence was able to see me. I've seen her once before, but it was for my kidney stone and I didn't discuss anything about my dysphoria. She is very nice and my gender issues are clearly written on my records.

Anyway, there was a student doctor (this is a a major university) who was working with this doctor yesterday. He was very nice. They had him do an exam of my back before the regular doctor would come in, I guess to compare his opinion to hers.

He asked me if I felt comfortable taking off my shirt for him to examine my back. Now, I present totally male and I guess I'm just so used to it, I didn't hesitate to say it was OK. He worked mostly on my back and was very professional. As he left the room to discuss his diagnosis with the regular doctor, he said I could drape my shirt over my shoulders if it made me feel more comfortable.

That's when it hit me. I have very small breasts, if any at all, but my nipples are becoming noticeably larger and protrude somewhat. I see them everyday, so changes aren't as obvious to me.

A few minutes later he came back in with the doctor. She did the same exam, plus some additional tests. As she was discussing with me her findings, I realized that I indeed felt a little uncomfortable standing there with no shirt.

They are doctors, so it doesn't really bother me. I just want to feel better.

But I think I really need to realize that things are changing and understand that I'll be treated differently then I've been used to! It actually made me smile afterwards.

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 30, 2019, 09:06:12 AM
So a little bit of an odd feeling yesterday.

My regular GP, who is part of my HRT team, is on maternity leave. I decided to go and have my back looked at just to make sure it wasn't anything more than a muscle bruise or strain (I recently fell on the ice). The doctor who is handling her patients in her absence was able to see me. I've seen her once before, but it was for my kidney stone and I didn't discuss anything about my dysphoria. She is very nice and my gender issues are clearly written on my records.

Anyway, there was a student doctor (this is a a major university) who was working with this doctor yesterday. He was very nice. They had him do an exam of my back before the regular doctor would come in, I guess to compare his opinion to hers.

He asked me if I felt comfortable taking off my shirt for him to examine my back. Now, I present totally male and I guess I'm just so used to it, I didn't hesitate to say it was OK. He worked mostly on my back and was very professional. As he left the room to discuss his diagnosis with the regular doctor, he said I could drape my shirt over my shoulders if it made me feel more comfortable.

That's when it hit me. I have very small breasts, if any at all, but my nipples are becoming noticeably larger and protrude somewhat. I see them everyday, so changes aren't as obvious to me.

A few minutes later he came back in with the doctor. She did the same exam, plus some additional tests. As she was discussing with me her findings, I realized that I indeed felt a little uncomfortable standing there with no shirt.

They are doctors, so it doesn't really bother me. I just want to feel better.

But I think I really need to realize that things are changing and understand that I'll be treated differently then I've been used to! It actually made me smile afterwards.

Hi Katie,                  30 January 2019

That a Girl; smiles work two ways, one for them and one for you. I'm probably a bit different, ok, a lot different than most. Having been a nudist I could walk down the street "neked" and it wouldn't bother me; can't say the same for anyone else that might happen by. I'm proud of what little I have up and down so I'm not shy about anyone in the medical environment seeing me.

On 04 June 2018 I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy. When they took me to the make ready room, they handed me a gown of sorts, you know the one that leaves the backside completely open for viewing. I told the nurse I wasn't going to wear that thing. I said I am a nudist and I don't need it so I walked out "neked" as when born, just a bit larger. She made me wrap the thing around my bottom half until I got to my draped off stall. As soon as I got there I ditched it and climbed onto the bed/gurney. She was kind enough to bring me a pile of heated blankets which I appreciated. I don't like being cold, a problem nudists sometimes encounter.

How's your back? I'm assuming it's fine. I'm glad you went to the Doctor for a checkup, which also seems to have been a double affirming visit.

Please take care of yourself my friend. Stay warm; I think they may have moved Southlake to somewhere north of where I remember it being when I moved here 40 years ago; It is cold. Hmm, maybe I should put some clothes on.

Best Always, Love
Chris

Well, looks like I have non displaced rib fracture. Six weeks to heal fully, but it doesn't hurt that bad.

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 30, 2019, 04:02:06 PM
Well, looks like I have non displaced rib fracture. Six weeks to heal fully, but it doesn't hurt that bad.

Hi Katie,                      30 January 2019

Sorry you had to experience a broken rib. They can be painful. They used to tape you up then they figured out we couldn't breathe properly, which made contracting pneumonia almost inevitable.

Take care of yourself and your Rock; tell her I said Hello. God Bless you both.

Best Always, Love
Chris

Hello again Katie

Always wise to have these things checked out. Glad you are not in much pain and hoping the present pain soon subsides and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Hugs

Pamela

So I just passed my 9 month mark on HRT. I take estradiol (sublingual) and Finasteride. I'm very careful taking my Estradiol. When I started I took some measurements so that I had a baseline to track my progress. I also took pictures.

I know it's a long process, but I'm starting to get pretty disappointed. The only thing that's changed is I've gained an inch in my bust and maybe a half an inch on my hips. I was on a pretty low dose the first 3 months, but a decent dose since. I do see changes in my face and body hair. Actually, my body hair has pretty much stopped growing and I can go almost 3 days without shaving.

I have my 9 month follow-up and labs coming up in a few weeks. I think my estrogen level will be good, but my testosterone will probably be higher than I'd like. My labs were E 150 and T 362 at 6 months (US).

I feel good with very low dysphoria and I'm usually pretty optimistic. But I'm just starting to feel like this isn't going to work! I hope I'm wrong.

Quote from: Katie Ellen on February 18, 2019, 12:31:31 PM
So I just passed my 9 month mark on HRT. I take estradiol (sublingual) and Finasteride. I'm very careful taking my Estradiol. When I started I took some measurements so that I had a baseline to track my progress. I also took pictures.

I know it's a long process, but I'm starting to get pretty disappointed. The only thing that's changed is I've gained an inch in my bust and maybe a half an inch on my hips. I was on a pretty low dose the first 3 months, but a decent dose since. I do see changes in my face and body hair. Actually, my body hair has pretty much stopped growing and I can go almost 3 days without shaving.

I have my 9 month follow-up and labs coming up in a few weeks. I think my estrogen level will be good, but my testosterone will probably be higher than I'd like. My labs were E 150 and T 362 at 6 months (US).

I feel good with very low dysphoria and I'm usually pretty optimistic. But I'm just starting to feel like this isn't going to work! I hope I'm wrong.

@Katie Ellen
Dear Katie:
At the risk of me telling you what you may have already heard... here is important stuff for you and anyone no matter where they are in their transition journey.
...here are some of my thoughts as it may relate to what you are going through.

As has been stated over and over here on the Forums... and by me in many of my past comments on various posts, HRT will work uniquely in your own unique body.
What you read about other transitioning members experiences with HRT most likely will not be identical to your own experiences.

Some will experience more significant changes more quickly and then some will experience less significant changes more slowly....   it is all up to your genes and how your body reacts to the HRT.   Your doctor will  undoubtedly be continuing to look at your frequent blood test results during your journey to determine if any alterations in the HRT regimen are needed.

The adage that you have probably already heard regarding HRT and how it may work for various individuals  is "YMMV"  meaning that Your Mileage May Vary.
   
PATIENCE is definitely required.... usually not much happens very quickly with HRT... but changes will happen.  Do some reading of other transitioners posts and look at many of the posted HRT timelines and the before and after pictures. ....  they can give you a rough idea of what you MIGHT expect.

Many times the very first noticeable changes can be felt and seen within the first 2 to 6 months... breast tenderness, breast bud lumps forming under the nipples and as you mentioned, changes in body hair growth, also your own body and urine smell, changes in erections becoming less intense, libido, etc.

Without a doubt this can be very "EXCITING and SCARY all at the same time."   One needs to hang on for an amazing ride.  Some of my best and most appreciated and dramatic body changes happened at about the 5 month point through the start of year #2 of my HRT journey. 

Regarding your body measurements, it is good that you have established a reference point and even taken some photos for comparison and allowing you to judge your body changes.   As you stated you have already seen gains in your bust and in your hips.   For me, I did not gain a whole lot in my hips but mybreast growth was very good  and after 2 years of HRT my breasts were a C-cup.   
Many will achieve an A or a B cup and some transitioners may possibly achieve a C-cup or even a D-cup.
Even though I was able to very successfully pass before I went full-time... when I did go full-time at the 1 1/2 year mark I have been passing 100% of the time.  Of course that is just my experience, I suppose I can thank my body makeup and my genes for all that.

We are here to rejoice with you in the good times and to support you in the not so good times.
One more time.... PATIENCE is required.   The attitude of many people today is "I want it all and I want it now" ... that will not apply to HRT.   You might want to re-read what I just wrote so you can get a good grasp of the details that I mentioned.

Katie, please try to not be disappointed with your progress... things will happen with HRT, but in their own time and in their own ways in your unique body.

I will be looking forward to your continued updates as you feel free to post them.  Please hang in there!
Hugs and well wishes
Danielle

Hello again Katie

I note you are now 9 months HRT and am sorry to see you are feeling down at present.

I saw significant changes after 8 months HRT and continue to do after one year HRT. It could very well be that physical changes may now start to happen for you and I truly hope so but of course no set time can be determined as regards HRT but rest assured changes will ultimately happen.

Good luck with your BT results  - please post them on my new "Comparison 12/13 Month" thread on HRT Board (which incorporates all earlier results). Thanks

More importantly good luck with future HRT changes and hoping they happen in the next quarter.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

Quote from: Katie Ellen on January 30, 2019, 04:02:06 PM
Well, looks like I have non displaced rib fracture. Six weeks to heal fully, but it doesn't hurt that bad.

@Katie Ellen

Hi Katie

Rib fractures can be really annoying and I have only ever had one but it seemed to niggle for ages. I hope yours heals really quickly with no issues
Liz

I have a therapiy session tomorrow. First one in about 6 weeks. I think I'm going to discuss stopping my treatment. 

I don't think this is working!

I wish all of you better luck than I had.

Quote from: Katie Ellen on February 20, 2019, 09:03:31 PM
I have a therapiy session tomorrow. First one in about 6 weeks. I think I'm going to discuss stopping my treatment. 

I don't think this is working!

I wish all of you better luck than I had.

Hi Katie,                       20 February 2019

I'm happy to see you posting again. Your new avatar is fantastic; you are very beautiful.

I am concerned that you are considering stopping your treatment. I'm no expert and I don't try to give advice but will make a suggestion or two.

How about giving yourself more time before discontinuing HRT. If the only thing bothering you is the slow progress, why not wait a few more months. There's also Dysphoria to consider; I don't know what level yours is or was, but if it was there before HRT, it could return if you stop treatment.

I'm between a rock and a hard place, I'm being treated for a DVT and have had to discontinue HRT. I do not like the changes I am seeing in myself. My boobs have diminished, I'm not as carefree as I was when I was on HRT, I don't sleep as well and I don't Pee as well as I did. My "T" has risen and my "E" has dropped. The positive is that I am still on the green side of the lawn and my "T" can't get too high due to my Orchiectomy. Please don't think I am suggesting an orchi because I'm not. This would be a bad time to make a decision to have one because it is irreversible. Time is your ally

If there is anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to PM me. I wish you only the best in life and hope you give careful consideration to whatever decision you make. Tell your wife I said hello and hope and pray she is doing and feeling well.

Best Always, All my Love
Christine

Geez! I just spent an hour recapping the last 5 years and my session timed out! All lost. I'll try later. I'll make sure to adjust my session time before!

@Katie Ellen
Dear Katie Ellen:
I am so very happy to see that you came back to your Blog thread to give it an update.

It was good to see that you were able to get signed in to the Forum again just a couple
weeks after the New Years site crash.... and I was hoping that you would start posting
again... I always have enjoyed seeing and reading your comments and posted thoughts.
 
Oh for sure, I feel your frustration regarding losing an hour or more of your work on
posting your recap of your last 5 years...  I have felt the same frustration from
time to time.  If I find that my draft is getting longer and longer, I try to make a point to
save it while it is in progress so that I don't lose the entire thing when "things" happen.
I have also started to compose a lot of my postings on Word Pad or other offline programs.

I am eagerly looking forward to your Blog update and other postings around the various
threads and topics on the Forum.

Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Katie Ellen on March 26, 2024, 09:03:33 AMGeez! I just spent an hour recapping the last 5 years and my session timed out! All lost. I'll try later. I'll make sure to adjust my session time before!

Thanks Danielle!

I started HRT in the summer of 2018. A very low dose (sublingual) that slowly increased over the next year. I could never take Spirolactone, so the doctor had me taking Finasteride with it. Progress was really slow. The biggest changes were to my face and body hair disappearing.

Two years later in 2020, Covid struck. I was scheduled to have nose surgery for a deviated septum and some modest cosmetic improvement. The surgery was cancelled. In the fall they rescheduled the surgery, but wanted me to take a cardio stress test first. I walked a lot so I wasn't concerned. A few weeks before, my wife had taken one and it was harder than she expected. And she's in better shape than I am. Anyway, as I was on the treadmill, about halfway through the test, they suddenly stopped me and had me lay down. A doctor came in and told me the only place I was going to was the ER. After 2 days of tests, they told me I was lucky to be alive. I had no pain, but had 90% blockage in my main left artery (the widowmaker) and a significant amount in others. I had heart surgery the 3rd day. They bypassed 5 arteries in about 5 hours of surgery. The first day was kind of rough, but I recovered well and went through a 3 month rehab a month after the surgery. I'm fine now, but they stopped my HRT completely.

About 8 months later they approved my nose surgery. I had to stop the blood thinners I was on since the heart bypass surgery. This surgery actually seemed harder than the heart surgery. My nose was packed for a week and I could only breath through my mouth. I was really black and blue for about a week. Just when I started looking better, I started having slight nose bleeds. They didn't last long though. I had to go back to the doctor at 10 days post op to have the packing removed. The doctor said the slight bleeding was normal. Well a few days later I learned it wasn't. I was home all alone and the bleeding started heavily and wouldn't stop. It's too gory to describe, but I ended up calling an ambulance. They took me to the nearest hospital, not the one where I had the surgery. I was there 6 hours and lost a lot of blood. Much of it I was swallowing evidently. They were afraid of damaging my nose and the surgery changes, so they took me to the other hospital to be safe. After 2 blood transfusions and about 10 different stents jammed up my nose, they got it to stop. I thought that it was over, but the nosebleeds started again that evening. I was able to stop them, but it was terrible. Finally, about 5 days later, I had a bad one that wouldn't stop. My wife drove me to the hospital where I had the surgery. They finally determined I had a nicked artery from the original surgery and they would need to do another surgery to finally fix it. It was fine after that.

Soon after that, My cardiologist gave me the green light to resume HRT. I was basically starting over though. It took me a year to get back to where I was before the heart surgery. I was having a very hard time reducing my T levels so my doctor and I discussed me having an orchi. I made an appointed for a consultation for the last week of December 2022. On Christmas morning I tested positive for covid. Had to cancel and reschedule for February. I was approved and started working on my letters. I had the orchi in August 2023. After what I had been through, this was a breeze!

I now have my letters for bottom surgery. It's time to set up my consultation, but I'm hesitating for some reason? I keep saying tomorrow, but so far I haven't.

So that's where I'm at today. Sorry this is so long for anyone that actually reads it, but I'm trying to bring this log up to date and push myself to make that consultation appointment.

Thanks!

Hello Katie Ellen

My name is Sarah B and I would like to formally, Welcome you back to Susan's Place!

I'm not going to do a formal introduction to a member who has been here before.  I'm lucky that did not happen to me!  I joined up with Susan's in 2010 stayed for around 2 years and disappeared for 11 years and just recently dropped back in.  It's still a nice place to come to.

I see that Danielle has greeted you with such a warm welcome as well.

Just recently I was writing a couple of posts and when I start writing I cannot stop for some unknown reason and you guessed it through some unforeseen circumstances I lost the lot, to say it mildly "I was not happy Jan".  I should know better.  So as Danielle mention I write my stuff offline in Libre Office and saving every couple of minutes.  So if something happens I only lose very little, if that.

So please write your story again,  I was really enjoying what you all ready said in your blog and of course I will certainly appreciate what you do write as I enjoy reading what others members have done in their lives.

When I came back to Susan's this time I have started my own blog and it's called Sarah's Story and there is a link below my signature that will take you to the beginning.

Take care and if you need help I will help you if I can.  Once again, Welcome back to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

Hi Katie,

Sorry to hear of the Coronary Artery issues.  I have an annual EKG which presumably will detect that.

Good luck on scheduling bottom surgery!

Marion

Hello Katie Ellen

I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time over the last five years? In regards to your health. It is good to hear that you are both in good health today.

You was writing your post just as I was writing my post to you.  I seem to be getting a lot of coincidences lately, they are so funny.

You just mentioned in your post and I specifically quote the relevant passage:

Quote from: Katie Ellen on March 26, 2024, 05:10:19 PMSoon after that, My cardiologist gave me the green light to resume HRT. I was basically starting over though. It took me a year to get back to where I was before the heart surgery. I was having a very hard time reducing my T levels so my doctor and I discussed me having an orchi. I made an appointed for a consultation for the last week of December 2022. On Christmas morning I tested positive for covid. Had to cancel and reschedule for February. I was approved and started working on my letters. I had the orchi in August 2023. After what I had been through, this was a breeze!

Nothing like ticking off another problem on ones journey.  The set backs you have had and all you do is keep bouncing back and saying is that all you've got?  I'm amazed at what you have done and achieved.  So the message in what you have said is embedded in what you have written and that is; "you don't give up on what you want to achieve", it is so inspiring.  I thank you for that.

Quote from: Katie Ellen on March 26, 2024, 05:10:19 PMI now have my letters for bottom surgery. It's time to set up my consultation, but I'm hesitating for some reason? I keep saying tomorrow, but so far I haven't.

I ended up with 3 surgery letters (I only needed 2) and I have mentioned them in one particular post, but I will bring that post into my story in "Sarah's Race to SRS Part II", in my blog.  I then made an appointment for surgery and eventually I had my surgery in Feb 1991.

I once thought of detransitioning and this only lasted for about 30 seconds and then I said to myself no way in hell, would I do that.

I have mentioned the following part in a couple of posts, but something that I have not mentioned before in those posts I will this time, the thinking part in a little more detail.  I arrived at the hospital one day before surgery instead of the two days and I was sitting with a long time friend who drove me there.

I sat in the passenger side and for about 1 minute or so and I said to myself; "is this the right thing to do, should I go through with it or similar thoughts", the thinking on this was brief to say the least. The answer to those questions were, getting out of the car without thinking, well, I think I said to myself, "I want the surgery or something similar", it was so long ago and walking straight into the hospital, with no regrets or hesitation whatsoever.

Thinking about that moment in time, it seems to me that 1 minute or so was really just a blank regardless of what I thought at the time, no intellectual discourse on what I should do.  It also seems to me a waste of time even thinking about it.  Why?

For as long as I can remember, I always wanted or longed to be a female.  So subconsciously or conscious without me thinking about it, I got out of the car and walked straight into the hospital and as just stated "I have had no regrets, even to this day".  The only reason I ever had surgery, was so that I could function as any other female in society.

One more thing before I leave you with what I just wrote above.  To this day if I think about what I once had downstairs makes me feel very nauseous.

Quote from: Katie Ellen on March 26, 2024, 05:10:19 PMSo that's where I'm at today. Sorry this is so long for anyone that actually reads it, but I'm trying to bring this log up to date and push myself to make that consultation appointment.

Thanks!

What you have written is not long by a long shot!  I hope the above passages helps you in some small way.  What ever you decide to do, that is totally up to you and you only.   You will be supported no matter what you decide, here at least at Susan's. 

For me, whatever I do, if it makes me happy then I will do it.  All the best for your future.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

Quote from: Maid Marion on March 26, 2024, 07:39:34 PMHi Katie,

Sorry to hear of the Coronary Artery issues.  I have an annual EKG which presumably will detect that.

Good luck on scheduling bottom surgery!

Marion

Thank you Marion

Just be careful. Although EKG's can detect other issues they usually show problems with the electrical system of your heart. My EKG's weren't that bad. It was the stress test and eventually an ultrasound and heart catheterization that showed the artery blockage. Usually there's chest pain when it gets bad, but I didn't have that. Not even during the stress test.

Quote from: Sarah B on March 26, 2024, 09:05:02 PMWhat you have written is not long by a long shot!  I hope the above passages helps you in some small way.  What ever you decide to do, that is totally up to you and you only.   You will be supported no matter what you decide, here at least at Susan's. 

Thank you Sarah! It did help.

I actually filled out the required form to set up a consultation and emailed it in! So I feel good about that! A good day!

Just a little comparison I made.
(https://i.imgur.com/ImWp2mn.jpg)

@Katie Ellen

Wow.... very nice!!!

Thank you for sharing.

HUGS, Danielle

I think maybe this log should be moved to the members blog section? Can that be done?

@Katie Ellen

Yes... I am moving it now to member blogs...

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Katie Ellen on April 01, 2024, 03:22:31 PMI think maybe this log should be moved to the members blog section? Can that be done?

@Katie Ellen

    DONE !!!!

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on April 01, 2024, 03:26:42 PM @Katie Ellen

Yes... I am moving it now to member blogs...

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Katie Ellen on April 01, 2024, 03:22:31 PMI think maybe this log should be moved to the members blog section? Can that be done?

Wow! That was fast! Thanks!!!

@Katie Ellen

You had started this Blog of yours back on January 02, 2019....
  https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,243765.msg2211229.html#msg2211229

It appears that the New Years Day site crash
affected it's original location that was in Member Blogs and
unfortunately many of the postings that you submitted and the reply
comments from your followers are gone and out there in cyber space....   
....but consider this a fresh start. 

I will continue to be eagerly following your updates and postings.

HUGS, Danielle

For quite some time now, I've been having dreams that I'm being chased and sometimes trying to be killed. I usually don't remember my dreams, but these I seem to. I still haven't come out to my family, other than my wife, so I don't know if these are trans related or not. I see my therapist in two weeks. I haven't mentioned this to her yet.

@Katie Ellen
Fortunately your dreams did not come true... I am very glad about that.

I am wishing you well with eventually coming out to your family... when you do it...
it will be like a big heavy weight is lifted off of your shoulders.

It will take courage and self affirmation, but eventually it should all come
together.... be aware as you probably know from reading other members coming-out
stories, not everyone will accept you as Katie Ellen.  (initially possibly including some family members) :(

Please keep us all undated...
HUGS, Danielle

Sounds like the fears of life are popping up in your dreams. That if they find out about you, the villagers will hunt you down with pitch forks and staves. I think the step of coming out can be the most stressful part of transition. Good luck with your family. I'm sure they will be understanding.

Quote from: Gina P on April 02, 2024, 05:51:25 AMSounds like the fears of life are popping up in your dreams. That if they find out about you, the villagers will hunt you down with pitch forks and staves. I think the step of coming out can be the most stressful part of transition. Good luck with your family. I'm sure they will be understanding.

I think you might be right Gina. I have been seriously thinking about coming out lately. Especially since I'm moving forward with pursuing bottom surgery. Thanks

I forgot to mention that I had my levels checked a couple of weeks ago. It's been 8 months since my orchi and I switched back to sublingual E instead of patches about 2 months ago. Patches just don't work for me unless I wear 3 at a time. And that's expensive. Anyway, for the first time ever, my levels are perfect! I sure hope that means good things are ahead?

@Katie Ellen
 
Thank you for sharing your wonderful update regarding your
excellent blood test results....

Like you stated... "good things are ahead"

I am wishing success for you....   planning surgery and coming out ...
....and I am sure that there are other thing on your list. 

As you feel comfortable sharing, keep the updates coming for me and
the rest of your avid followers.

HUGS, Danielle  

@Katie Ellen
I hope that you are still not having those fearful dreams at night... if so 
I am thinking that you might be interested in the following article:
--->   https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/what-foods-can-give-you-nightmares

HUGS, Danielle

I have a video 1st consultation for a zero depth vulvoplasty next Monday. I'm excited but a little nervous! That was way faster than I expected.   :icon_yikes:

Consults come fast then the long agonizing wait till surgery day. My date is still 2 months 9 days away, or 70 days, or 10 weeks, or 1,680 hours but who's counting. :)
Gina

Quote from: Gina P on April 03, 2024, 02:37:42 PMConsults come fast then the long agonizing wait till surgery day. My date is still 2 months 9 days away, or 70 days, or 10 weeks, or 1,680 hours but who's counting. :)
Gina

How long have you been waiting?

Its been like 6 months. But my doctor is a very popular doctor.

Your dream may be urging you to confront and overcome some fear in your waking life.  It could be coming out, rejection, or something else completely?  What seems to be the biggest thing causing anxiety when you are awake?

Quote from: Gina P on April 04, 2024, 06:01:37 AMIts been like 6 months. But my doctor is a very popular doctor.

I hope time flies for you!

Quote from: REM.1126 on April 05, 2024, 04:24:45 PMYour dream may be urging you to confront and overcome some fear in your waking life.  It could be coming out, rejection, or something else completely?  What seems to be the biggest thing causing anxiety when you are awake?

I've been thinking the same thing myself. I'm at the point that I need to decide if I'm going forward with bottom surgery or not. I'm really hard on myself about it and anticipate the worst!

Today is a really hard day. I'm beating myself up worrying that I'm being selfish at this point in my life? Very conflicting day!☹️

We have many days when we give of ourselves to help others. There is nothing wrong with having a ME Day. Take a bubble bath, paint your nails, and put on something you haven't worn for a while. That's what works for me.

In hypnotherapy school, we were taught that the best way to feel better is to change your thoughts (think about something else), change your activity (do something else), or change your environment (go someplace else). Just taking a short walk outside and enjoying Nature changes my thoughts. Now the weather is warming up, I will be doing it barefoot and reconnecting with Mother Earth.

Still not feeling good about myself. I feel like I can't go forward, but I know I can't stay the way I am! Something's got to give and I'm concerned that it might be my health.

Grasp the nettle dear, do it hard enough and it wont sting.

Last evening, I attended a group Zoom meeting for vaginoplasty, that was a requirement to schedule an individual consultation session. From what a previous attendee had told me, I expected maybe 5-10 other people plus the doctors to be involved. After logging in, it was stated that there would be 40-50 potential patients involved. I was really nervous about attending because I expected most, if not all, of the others to be much younger and more "passable" than myself. I was certain that I would feel way out of place and was just hoping that I could make it through. I was prepared to just give this whole thing up if it went terrible.

I was really surprised to see that a vast majority of the others were definitely over 50. Maybe 5-10 were under 35. I think I was the oldest one, but without trying to brag, there were some that seemed a lot older looking than I did. I did not make a tremendous effort to make myself look good. Just some light concealer and bronzer, very light eye makeup, and tinted ChapStick. I'm actually starting to believe that HRT has been good to me? I don't think a lot of the others had as much experience as I do with attending Zoom meetings, so that probably didn't help how they appeared. It also took two screens to view everyone, so they weren't the largest images. But you could still see everyone pretty well.

Most of the meeting addressed full vaginoplasty. I'm definitely going the zero depth route, so a lot of the discussion didn't apply to me. I did ask some specific questions that pertain to my goals. Overall, I felt a lot more confident about myself after the meeting and that this is really what I want to do. It's amazing how silly our fears can be and how much a little confidence can make you feel 100% better! Finally, a good day!

@Katie Ellen
Dear Katie Ellen
A wonderful report and update....
....  you are on your way and I am very happy for you that
your group meeting went so very well for you.

I will be looking forward to you continued updates and postings.. 

HUGS, Danielle

For the record, I'm not sure I mentioned that I have a bottom surgery consult on July 15. This will be a HUGE step for me (if I go through with it)! I have been known to be a big chicken!

Congratulations! If you decide to proceed with surgery don't worry, you'll sleep right through it.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

  @Katie Ellen
Dear Katie Ellen:
Exciting times ahead for you... whether you decide to go forward with
the surgery or not.
 
I hope that you get the answers to your questions at your future consult.

Please continue to keep me and the rest of you avid followers updated
as you feel comfortable sharing and posting.

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Katie Ellen on April 30, 2024, 08:17:48 AMFor the record, I'm not sure I mentioned that I have a bottom surgery consult on July 15. This will be a HUGE step for me (if I go through with it)! I have been known to be a big chicken!

I've come to the conclusion that even if I have bottom surgery, but continue to hide it, I will only be more unhappy. I probably needed HRT to give me at least enough boobs so that I would have to come out. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions until my time is up. I truly envy those of you who have succeeded at fully transitioning, but to be honest, sometimes it just makes me feel sad about myself. Sorry for this. It's just one of those days!

I think we all have those days.

I am happy for them, but then I wonder how long I must wait in line for my turn. I have to focus on what I have accomplished and what I am currently working on. That keeps my spirits up.

Hugs!

We all have days like that Katie Ellen. Life became much easier once I stopped caring about what others think about my transition. Now I try to focus on the future me and how happy I will be once that birth defect has been corrected. One of the requirements for bottom surgery is to have socially transitioned for at least a year. Also have 2 letters from a therapist and or mental health counselor. I'm sure they told you that in the meeting. My therapist wrote one but the second one was a problem, then a friend of a friend, said her friend, a licensed psychiatrist, would write me a letter for free. (No I didn't add friend by mistake). The almighty works in strange ways. 
Hugs Gina

We all have those days, Katie. There will always be someone younger, prettier, more successful. Don't compare yourself to others, only compare yourself to a previous versions of you.

"Comparison is the thief of joy" attributed to President Theodore Roosevelt and others

Love always -- Jess