Quote from: Sarah B on Today at 01:14:22 AMHi Starryskyy
You said in your post above:
I'm sorry to hear that you were violated. No one deserves to be treated like that.
The text that I have emphasised in what you wrote is one of the most salient points that kept crossing my mind, I did not like what men did to women, it actually disgusted me no end and I did not want to be like them.
They tried to use conversion therapy on gays and it did not work out either.
There was one thing that I knew at some stage and that was, nature stuffed up. I was very naive when I changed my life around and it was the lack of knowledge and information that I had to deal with at the time.
There is nothing wrong with us Period, it is those, who say we are and then try to fix or correct our way of thinking, not realising that in certain circumstances you cannot fix nature.
Once again I'm so sorry to hear that you were violated. You are not mentally sick and its those who perpetrate violence on others that are sick perversely so. Its also good to hear that you are seeking help with your issues.
Susan's has a place where one can talk in real time and if you want you can have private conversations with other members if you so wish. The link is: Susan's Discord Channel.
In addition there is list of resources, that should you need one. Then you can find out more by visiting those websites.
Here are some resources if you need them. Transgender Help Links
Take care and if you want to talk or vent then you can do it here and we will listen.
Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
It wasn't just that I didn't like it either, I didn't understand it. I had that sexual desire and drive, that was completely normal. I understood socializing and social cues well too, so it wasn't that either. I couldn't approach them in a masculine way, I just simply didn't have those social instincts which would lead to a lot of misunderstandings about me throughout my life. That's probably where a lot of the damage began because that attracted a lot of predatory people and because I was still viewed as male I also got treated much differently anyways which was confusing and damaging on it's own. That blend of mixed signals and danger is likely what really threw me off because I remember when I first started to develop my primary trauma responses very young is when I couldn't make many connections at all anymore and I would simply try to suppress all expressions and all body language since just expressing myself normally became an issue. That of course didn't work either and that boulder continued to roll down the hill. The only thing that did but ended up making most things worse all the same was building a fortress, keeping it guarded, and never letting anyone in or myself out.
Like you said what also fueled it was not entirely knowing what was going on and having no resources, I just knew it had something to do with my gender, masculinity was weird, it had nothing to do with any fetish, and developing all of this boy stuff physically as I continued to get older was extremely distressing. I have so many memories of trying to work around appearing too male while flying under the radar. Like I'd try to get the clothes that would look the most feminine and flowy on me with a style that's as feminine as possible but still just not enough so to draw too much attention (these days I don't care too much as long as it makes my body look nice and doesn't frame it in a way that looks too masc). I'd want a purse but I couldn't get one or needed a backpack (still do, walking backpacker for life!) so I'd wear it in a way that was as not masculine looking as possible and subtly decorate it in a pretty way. The body hair wars began when I was a kid and followed the same general stealthy approach, maybe I'd do a little on this day and a little on that day so the changes aren't too obvious too quickly. And the voice wars, those were the most embarrassing. I had social issues as it was and never learned how to use it properly in the first place but still tried to aggressively keep the tone higher which isn't how achieving a better voice works either but eventually I found my way there even if sometimes I lose tone range and don't form words as well because of my anxiety issues sometimes when I'm stressed. It's like I always knew just what to do! lol
I may join the discord at some point, I joined this place after just searching transgender forum and this was one of the results. I like the format of traditional forums better because I can take my time and everything is slower. Gradually getting back into the more fast moving space of instant messaging though.
