Jessica Rose, you are an upbeat lady like Danielle. Sadly, I'm old and creaky.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 03, 2024, 10:50:13 AMJessica Rose, you are an upbeat lady like Danielle. Sadly, I'm old and creaky.

Thanks O&C, but I prefer to think of you as being full of wisdom and experience!

The negative energy in the world seems to overwhelm the positive energy. Some of us try to shine a little light on the good things, hoping people will realize that there really is a lot of good around us, but sometimes you just have to look a little harder to find it.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: November 14, 2020, 05:24:15 pm »
Per implied request from @Northern Star Girl , I have taken a few new photos. I'm not sure that my smile is quite back to normal, but it's getting close.

The first photo is the outfit I wore while Susan and I were out shopping today. The second is my 'Jessica Rabbit' dress. I know it's not quite the same, but it's nearly floor length, it's bright red, it has a long slit, and I like it! The last photo is a dress I recently found on eBay, it even has pockets!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

   

« on: November 17, 2020, 07:02:22 pm »
Most of this year, except during COVID-19 lockdowns, I have been having 4 - 5 hours of electrolysis per week. The results are beginning to show. Yesterday, Kris cleared my face, neck, underarms, and chest in an hour! Most of what she finds now is just long peach fuzz, with only a few coarse hairs. Kris has expanded the area she is treating to include the backs of my thighs -- which turns out to be a highly sensitive area. The laser treatments on my legs took care of the vast majority of the hair, but there are a few stubborn ones that didn't respond to treatment. I'm hoping I can soon begin to reduce my weekly time on the table.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: November 20, 2020, 05:05:41 am »
A few months ago, the LGBT+ Employee Resource Group where I work asked me to write an article to mark this day. the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It will be emailed to a few thousand employees within next few hours.

Today, November 20th, is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. It wasn't that long ago when this day meant nothing to me. It was for a group of people I labeled 'them', why should I care? I was wrong. Now I am one of 'them', and it opened my eyes to the importance of accepting people for who they are. When someone is at risk of being attacked or killed solely because they decide to live their truth, we should all be concerned. Why? Because one day the eyes of persecution may fall upon you, or someone you love.

Being transgender isn't a choice, as in the quote 'The only choice I ever made was to be myself'. With one exception, we are the same as everyone else. We have the same hopes, the same fears, the same dreams. The exception? We weren't born into bodies which match our minds. We struggle for years, sometimes decades, to discover why we aren't comfortable in the bodies we were born into. We know what it's like to be a man, a woman, and the places in between. Socially transitioning makes us unique because we will 'walk a mile' in the shoes of more than one gender. I say we are unicorns -- rare and beautiful people.

We each have unique stories, and we understand the essence of the struggle others endure to find themselves, and ultimately their fight to live an authentic life. Imagine your life if you had to deal with persecution, hatred, discrimination, and the daily threat of violence just to be yourself, just to live an authentic life that most people take for granted. Every time I see a story about the senseless murder of someone who is transgender, part of my soul withers. It's like losing a brother, or a sister. Magnifying the pain is that 39 states allow an 'LGBTQ panic' defense, which asks a jury to find that a victim's sexual orientation or gender identity is to blame for the defendant's violent reaction, including murder – insinuating that being attacked or murdered is somehow the victim's fault.

This year has been one of the worst on record for the transgender community. Not only are some local, state, and federal government agencies eroding our rights as human beings, but we also are being attacked and killed in record numbers. Please take some time to reflect on the senseless violence committed against this unique, priceless segment of society. We all must learn to accept and cherish diversity. No one should be frightened to live their truth.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: November 30, 2020, 08:04:27 pm »
Our trip went well. We spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning (21-22 Nov) in Austin with our youngest daughter (K), and even did a little shopping with her. Sunday afternoon we had an uneventful drive up to Benton, LA to visit my dad. I helped him get a new cell phone and transferred his old land-line number to it, signed him up for some dental insurance, and set up some digital music in both cars and his house. Now he can listen to Doc Watson, Lightning Hopkins, and Muddy Waters wherever and whenever he wants!

Thanksgiving went well. This year my sister-in-law hosted the event, which was spread across three separate dining areas. K even drove up from Austin with her long-term boyfriend. She had not visited Louisiana in nearly five years, and it was the first time her boyfriend had a chance to meet the rest of the family. K and her boyfriend returned to Austin on Friday, while Susan and I returned home on Sunday (29 Nov).

During the trip I received a call from the 'adjuster' for the grocery store where I had that slip and fall a few weeks ago. As there was no long-term damage and no doctors were involved, I accepted their offer of $200, which I though was fair.

Although my dad seems to be getting along well, the house seemed empty without my mom. I don't know how my dad gets through the day. Mom was always there for us, until the day she wasn't. I wish we had more time for her to get to know me better, I wish she could have given her daughter some sage advice, but now there are no more opportunities. Make the most of every day, because the last time you see someone may be the last time.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 08, 2020, 08:18:33 am »
I had a three-hour electrolysis session yesterday, with another two-hour session scheduled for Wednesday. Most of the time is being spent on the back of my thighs and, um, lower cheeks -- I used to be somewhat hirsute. Sometime Kris says 'good girl' after treating a hair in a painful location, for some reason that makes me smile. Our daughter in Austin is still planning to visit during Christmas, but due to COVID she may drive instead of fly. She works for the Texas State Department of Health, and she knows more than most people about how widespread COVID is right now.

There are still days when I question my choice to start this journey, but thinking about the day I nearly ended my life and the lives of my wife and daughters provides all the justification I need. Initially it seemed like an impossible task, but taking things one step at a time allowed me to get to where I am now. Hopefully I will soon be able to consign my past to a dark corner of a storage room.

My next round of surgery is scheduled for 16 Feb 2021. Although I really love Dr. Ley and the Meltzer Clinic, I hope that will be my last trip to Scottsdale. If you want a surgeon who does an awesome job on everything, please consider Dr. Ley.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 25, 2020, 06:15:26 am »
Christmas morning. Neither of our daughters could make it home this year, so it's our first Christmas alone as a couple since 1993. Susan started the turkey a few hours ago, and the scent of turkey is slowly filling the house. We're both wondering what we're going to wear. Even though it's just us, we like to dress up a bit for Christmas. There are plenty of gifts under the tree, even a few for our furry companion -- he loves opening his own gifts on Christmas! Other than the sounds of holiday music, the crinkling of wrapping paper, the crackling of a fire, and our expressions of thanks for the thoughtful gifts, our house will be quiet. No kids running up and down the stairs, no video games being played. Four years ago, I never would have envisioned a Christmas like this. Just Susan and I, wondering and hopeful for what next year will bring. I hope everyone can find at least a few moments of peace today... Merry Christmas to all of you.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 28, 2020, 08:43:32 am »
Four years ago today, 28 December 2016, I discovered the source of my anger and rage. It's been an amazing journey, and I still have a lot to learn. This year has been tougher than most due to COVID-19. Adding to the pain, in February we lost my mom to cancer, in April we lost one of our furry companions, and in May our youngest daughter graduated and moved away to start her career (both happy and sad about this) -- so we have an empty nest. I have been working from home since mid-March. Other than Susan, the only person I regularly socialize with is my electrologist. The reduced socialization makes it feel as though I have regressed. Some days I wake up not realizing I'm a woman until I look under the sheets.

Pronouns. Strangers always get it right, friends are close to 100%, family gets it right most of the time -- the person who most often gets it wrong is me. For some reason when I think about myself, my thoughts include the wrong name and the wrong pronoun. It's difficult to overcome five decades of suppression. Hopefully one day my brain will catch up with reality.

I have one more significant surgery planned, although I'm considering a few minor procedures to fix little things that bother me. Unfortunately, it isn't just vanity driving my desire to look my best. In some places being read as transgender can result in being assaulted, or worse. The more boxes I check off, the safer I will be.

Almost every legal document that matters now has 'Jessica' on it. I'm not sure if we can update our daughters' birth certificates. If they would just add my name and leave my dead name, then I don't see much reason to try changing them. However, there is one important piece of paper we can fix, and I'm trying to convince Susan that we should take care of it. Fixing it will remove any potential legal issues related to our marriage. We have plenty of time to plan something simple, next June will be our 37th wedding anniversary...

Changing your perception of yourself isn't easy, neither is changing everyone's perception of who you are. The only way to be truly happy is by being true to yourself -- not by being the person others want or expect you to be. I'll close this post with some lyrics from the clean version of 'Perfect' by P!NK:



Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 09, 2021, 01:57:53 pm »
Many of those who started around the time I did have moved on, and I think I know why. Staying here reminds me of who I pretended to be, along with the pain and anguish I caused others. I may decide to retire from Susan's one day. As long as I think my posts may be helping even just one person, I'll probably hang around.

On Monday I made the first major payment on my upcoming surgery, my final payment is due on the January 19th. Hopefully the current spike in COVID-19 cases won't cause a delay. I am skipping a holiday party for the softball team I photograph over the summer -- fifty to sixty people in an enclosed area really doesn't sound like a good idea right now. I will probably also miss out on a niece's wedding in April due to COVID. Although the wedding will be outdoors, there is still a chance of exposure. My daughter's wedding is just two weeks later. Although I love my niece, my daughter takes precedence.

I probably had my last laser session a few days ago, there is virtually no dark hair left to treat. I have also backed off on electrolysis a little. Instead of four to five hours per week, I'm down to three now. That will drop even more after next week, since I must stop facial electrolysis one month before surgery. After nearly four years of electrolysis, coarse hair is getting extremely rare now.

My journey has taken much longer than I expected, and it has also cost much more than I had planned. Was it worth it? Knowing what I know now, would I do it again? Yes to both. If I had not taken this leap, I would probably be dead by now, and I may well have taken a few others with me. The person I pretended to be is gone, and my soul is finally learning how to dance in the sun.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 13, 2021, 07:30:47 pm »
Today was a good day. I had an appointment with a new dental hygienist. She took a few x-rays, checked my gums, then did a cleaning. After she was done, she began looking for anomalies and noticed the scar from my last surgery. She said 'wow, that's a long scar. Looks like you had a jaw reduction.' I told her she was correct, then added 'that's not all.' She eventually noticed my lip implants, and commented that implants are better than fillers because they are permanent. She asked if I had any other surgeries. She seemed accepting, so I decided to show her my 'before and after' photos. She had no idea. She said if I had not told her, she would never have guessed that I had transitioned. Later she mentioned her daughter was great with eye makeup, then said her daughter could show me how to make my beautiful blue eyes really stand out! Maybe some makeup lessons are in my future...

Something else happened over the weekend, something rather important. There is a certain legal document which still has my dead name, and I really want to fix it. I asked Susan about the document a few weeks ago, and she finally answered. For the second time in her life, she has agreed to marry me. I have already contacted a wedding planner, and she loves our story. We are planning a simple, outdoor ceremony. Our current anniversary is June 2nd, which is a Wednesday, so that won't do. The following Saturday is June 5th, which would have been my parents' 66th Anniversary. Sadly, my mom is no longer with us, but my dad thinks it's a great idea. So, on June 5th 2021, Susan and I will once again say 'I do'. Unlike the first time, both of us will be wearing wedding dresses.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Wow.  I guess you had your own archive.  Thinking ahead. 

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 03, 2024, 09:18:09 PMWow.  I guess you had your own archive.  Thinking ahead. 

I've been in IT for 40 years, so backups are in my blood. I also know accidents happen, and Murphy's Law is real.

I occasionally made a backup of my posts using 'cut and paste'. I don't have all of my recent posts, but I do have most of them. It's sad that so many beautiful stories were lost. The stories I found on this site about seven years ago are the only reason I'm still alive. All of our stories are important, and I think it's important to have some 'complete' stories out there. Although we are all different, it just takes one story to resonate with someone, one story which may change someone's life.

Thanks for coming back Rachel.

Love always -- Jess

« on: January 23, 2021, 08:06:08 am »
In three weeks, Susan and I will be heading down to Scottsdale for my next surgery. We already paid the clinic, hotel reservations are in place, and my vacation time has been approved. Although surgery is expected to take about 8 hours, recovery should be quicker and less uncomfortable than my previous surgeries. As much as I enjoy working with Dr. Ley and her staff, hopefully this will be my last visit for the foreseeable future.

We are also making progress on our wedding plans. We ordered new rings (Susan picked them out), we narrowed down possible dresses (although always on the lookout for others), we started working on a guest list, and we may have found a photographer. Our planner is also checking on the possibility of a slightly different venue.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 31, 2021, 06:41:53 pm »
In two weeks, Susan and I will be in Scottsdale for what will hopefully be my last big surgery. My COVID-19 test will be on February 15th, along with my pre-op appointment. The next morning, I need to arrive at the surgical center around 5:30am, with my eight-hour nap scheduled to begin at 7:30am. No visitors are allowed, so I won't see Susan again until I am released on February 18th. My post-op appointment will be on February 23rd, and hopefully we can start the drive home later that day.

Our new wedding rings should arrive tomorrow (February 1st), and we have booked a photographer. Our wedding planner is looking into alternative venues. The first alternative venue quoted a price outrageously high. Our original venue is free, and that one will always be available! Susan bought some white sandals yesterday, and our daughters helped me select a wedding dress -- they both agreed on the same one! We will probably order our dresses within the next few days.

As if this year wasn't already shaping up to be busy, we are making plans for another big change in our lives. We still have several things to research, but if everything falls into place, we will have another announcement to make within the next month or two.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 08, 2021, 03:38:55 am »
Our new wedding rings have arrived, and we are both very happy with them. We also hired a photographer. We haven't ordered our dresses yet. After a bit more research, we decided to find a more reliable source! We visited a wedding venue on Saturday (The Pinery at the Hill) which was much more reasonably priced than the first, and we plan to visit a second venue (Black Forest by Wedgewood) tomorrow. From what we can tell the prices are similar. The main difference is that the Black Forest venue has the option of indoor or outdoor ceremonies, while the Pinery is indoors only. We plan to keep the number of guests low due to COVID, we want those attending to feel safe.

I have asked a very special friend to be my Matron of Honor. Unless something unexpected comes up, she has agreed. She was the very first person I came out to, I told her two weeks before I found the courage to tell Susan. I was frightened and vulnerable, and she welcomed me with open arms. Imagine what could have happened if she had reacted negatively. We saw each other on a weekly basis for well over two years, and she constantly offered advice and comfort. My friend has retired now and I haven't seen her in over a year, but I will always remember her kindness. Although CJ at times caused me quite a bit of discomfort, that's the job of an electrologist! Second only to Susan, I can't think of anyone else who played a more important role in my life these last few years.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 12, 2021, 01:12:27 pm »
Our tour of the Wedgewood venue went well, but we have decided to go with The Pinery for our ceremony and reception. I made the deposit this morning, so the venue is reserved for our wedding. Now we just have to decide on some dresses, and a few hundred other things.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 23, 2021, 08:36:08 am »
I missed a recent anniversary, but I have been busy...

Two years and two days ago, I had GCS. I've had several surgeries since then, and yesterday I returned from my most recent one. Each was a major step, and each presented unique challenges and discomforts. Although physically painful at the time, I don't remember the pain -- I remember the sense of freedom associated after completing each step. Now all the major surgeries are done, my finances can begin to recover, and I can go on with my life without worrying about my next surgery. It was a long road, but every step was worth the cost. Thanks to all of you for your support.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: March 03, 2021, 02:21:18 pm »
I guess it's finally starting to become real to me. Earlier today as I was leaving a store, someone behind me called out "ma'am". In the past I always ignored it because the word just didn't trigger any response. Today it caused me to stop and turn around. It really is difficult to overcome so many decades of learned behavior.

I am also learning how to handle something I never had to deal with before. To be blunt, I have a neighbor who 'wants' me. Initially I found it flattering, but then I discovered that he knows my background. Now I'm not sure if he wants me because I'm a decent looking woman, or because I'm also a unicorn. He has asked me for photos, which I declined. Then he asked if I wanted some photos of him! I declined that as well. I told Susan about it and she laughed. She wasn't laughing because she found it hard to believe, she was laughing because she was surprised.

Planning for our wedding is coming along well. I just realized it's only three months away.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: March 14, 2021, 07:35:54 am »
We've had some interesting developments over the last few days. Susan and I met with our wedding planner last week to start adding details to our plan. Susan selected her Matron of Honor, and the offer was accepted. We ordered wedding dresses from David's Bridal. Susan's dress arrived a few days ago. My dress was shipped Friday.

Susan and I have also started straightening up our house. We've painted several rooms (even our foyer, with a 20ft ceiling), ordered several windows to replace those which have lost their seal, ordered granite counter tops for the kitchen, donated several things we no longer use. There is a reason for all the activity...

A few days ago I received some news that is both exciting and frightening. I have worked for Progressive Insurance over 15 years, and they supported me 100% through my transition. They have given me a gift that many people dream about. I was notified that my request for permanent work-from-home status was approved. I can now move anywhere in the US while keeping my position with Progressive.

My mom passed away a year ago, and my dad plans to stay in the house they shared for over 40 years. We want to move closer to my dad so we can help him more often. Every relocation Susan and I have ever made was because of my job, now Susan gets to choose. Susan wants to live somewhere warmer so she can have a vegetable garden, and she wants a big kitchen with a gas stove. None of the states we are considering are rated as being LGBTQ+ friendly, but in my experience most people don't seem to mind two women living together. It will also give me an opportunity to go stealth in my private life, although I will defend others like myself in conversation if the topic comes up.

The frightening part is that I will be leaving my friends, my electrologist, my hair stylist, my doctors, and the rest of my support behind. Unless something comes up, we will most likely be moving in late June or July.

Love always -- Jessica Rose