So finally get out of the shower and find her on the bed still reading my phone and a pretty long argument fight conversation ensues afterwards I
know I should have
told.my wife when we were dating about this side of myself. I know I was wrong in withholding this from her. I felt I could deal with it like I always do.
I can't imagine to understand what my wife is feeling and going through I'm sure we both are equally feeling the same amount of pain hurt anger mistrust and everything else. She's just as afraid and concerned about our future as I am what it's all going to mean to her and our family and friends and everything.
Seems like everyday we end up getting into an argument or conversation about all this and she's really just trying to figure out and ask questions but it comes off a lot differently and it definitely feels one-sided in the way she approaches the topics.
I can tell you I feel that I only have two choices that I remain the same for the sake of my wife and our family and everything and everyone that knows us and keep things as normal as possible. Or I explore this side of myself and potentially lose my wife my family friends life as I know it will never be the same. Granted life will never be the same anyways after all this I could not do anything and still lose my wife because our marriage is already been on the rocks and we have horrible communication skills.
Or I can explore this and decide to transition and have my wife and family leave me anyways at some point because this isn't what they signed up for and I did not give them any choice by keeping it a secret. So do I attempt to live life as I've always done and hope that the depression and everything else doesn't get too much to wear I ultimately take my own life. Do I decide to explore this and who knows maybe potentially transition in some form or everything under the sun that I could possibly do and I could still end up unhappy and still have lost everything either way it's a huge gamble no matter what I do.