Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone --

I haven't been posting over the past few months, and the main reason for that is I have felt like things have been going well for me.  I don't like being "too" positive on the site because (a) it's not that interesting, and (b) I don't want to be one of those "Facebook trigger" people.  You know the ones I'm talking about.  They're insufferable.

Anyway, I think I'm going to start posting again because I am now going through a rough patch, and this may be helpful to others.  I am dealing with "anxious attachment" issues that are tied to my transition and how that affects my romantic relationships.

The backstory:

You all know about how I have made finding "my person" a top priority over the past year.  I have been going through prospective partners like crazy.  My friends used to like to ask me if I wanted to bring "guy du jour" to any parties / events that we went to.  Nobody knew names, but they knew I always had SOMEONE on the line.  Nothing ever stuck, and I really got tired of dealing with men.  I was always feeling like I was being treated as "damaged goods" or a "piece of meat" because I was trans.

I eventually got to the point where I realized that I'm MUCH more interested in women than men.  I also found a handful of women to date.  One person in particular was absolutely amazing.  She and I hit it off immediately through messages on the HER app, and we met in person soon after. 

Here are a few things that I really like about this person:  She is a beautiful 49-year-old bisexual woman (my age) who lives 15 minutes away, is well-educated, witty, and completely OK with me being transgender (with or without my extra appendage).  She's also a genuinely good and honest person who raised two daughters on her own.  I admire the heck out of her.  We quickly progressed to the point of being in a committed relationship.  I finally had found my person, and I was on cloud nine.

Here's where the <poo> hit the fan, though, folks.  I have never fully gotten over my "nobody will ever want me" transgender self-loathing.  I felt as though I didn't deserve her.  I would subconsciously overcompensate by trying too hard (and we all know how I'm a complete "try hard" person anyway LOL).  I would then feel like she was not that interested because she wasn't putting in as much effort as I was.  To add to that, I'm still a bit unsure about what the future holds for me sexually.  What am I going to like?  What turns me on anymore?  How do I express sexual love now and in the future?  I'm re-learning everything, and that causes me a lot of anxiety.  I worry a LOT that I won't be able to perform or satisfy my partner.

This all came to a head a few weeks ago when my GF had a 3-day migraine and wasn't very responsive during that time.  This was also at the end of a week where I had been struggling mentally with my upcoming GRS (long story for another time), and I really needed support.  I stayed up all night one night convincing myself that she wasn't that into me, and I acted out by letting her know that "my needs weren't being met" and that I "needed to be selfish for once and look out for myself".  Oof.  She responded by kicking me to the curb.  Can anyone say "self-destructive"?

We met up a few days later, and I was able to patch things up by explaining the entire series of events that led to this.  I felt like we were going to be OK.  The truth, though, is that she never really got over it, and I never really changed my behavior.  We split up for good a few days ago.

I'm heartbroken and devastated.  I had something special and blew it because I didn't feel like I was good enough.  Here's the thing, though.  I have recently realized that as irreplaceable as she was for me, I was much the same for her.  She has some medical issues that cause her to have a pretty small dating pool.  She can also be a bit difficult at times, and my personality type is one that handles her temper quite a bit better than most others.  She needs someone that is extremely supportive and easy-going, and I fit that bill perfectly.  If I weren't so danged anxious, I may have realized this a lot sooner.  She's going to be difficult for me to replace, but I'll be difficult for her to replace too.

I'm starting this new blog post because my original was lost in the "New Years Crash of 2023".  Truthfully, though, this problem is a completely new one.  The original story was more about my journey through transition, and this one will be more about me trying to be my best self.  I plan on embarking on a journey of self-healing, and I'll give updates on how things are going in this thread.  I'm hoping that maybe this will be helpful to others who feel similar levels of anxiety. 

Before I go, I want to make a very serious request.  Please don't respond with any discussions about my ex.  She deserves better than that.  She didn't do anything wrong here.  This post is not about my ex-GF, our relationship, or any attempts at getting back together with her.  That ship has sailed, IMO.  This is more about me doing the things I need to do to make sure this type of thing doesn't happen the NEXT time I find someone special.  It may be a long while before I find someone as wonderful as she was, but I always have hope – that's just who I am.

~Sara

Sara, I expect nearly everyone who transitions (whether or not surgery is involved) will have relationship issues. Sometimes as a result of how they feel about themselves, or how they think others perceive them, or because of their own internal struggle simply trying to figure out who their authentic self is. This is an extremely important topic for many of us, and one that probably doesn't get a lot of thought prior to transition.

I wish you all the best as you work through this, and I hope one day you will find 'the' person.

By the way, welcome back.

Love always -- Jess

Sara,

I agree with Jess. I believe we all go through the phase of not knowing what we want in a relationship and not being confident enough to believe that we are capable of having a new relationships.

For me the turning point(s) was having my MDV gender surgery and now more recently a have PPT vaginoplasty. I now feel good enough to have a close relationship with another person. I am still not sure if I prefer a male or female partner, but I will have fun finding out.


Just let your new life unfold and you will find someone that you can love and who can love you back

Ellen

Well, the first order of business is to modify my therapy schedule / focus.  As much as I love Renee and all she has done for me during my transition, we have become a bit too familiar of late.  When I go into therapy nowadays, it is more like catching up with an old friend.  If I want to really make a change in my behaviors, I'm going to need to find someone different.

To that end, I'm going to start trying out new therapists.  The good news is that while my issues are definitely transgender "adjacent", the problem of an anxious attachment style is one that is fairly common in the larger population.  I'm not going to limit myself to people who specialize in gender-related issues.

I have started throwing out the net, so we'll see what comes back over the next few days.

~Sara

Hey My Sweet Lone Star Sister!...

You are back in the saddle here in Blogville and... YOU WILL be back back in the saddle in Romanceville in the days to come... With your beautiful adventurous spirit this is absolutely assured... Be gentle with yourself as you find your way... this is a new world where so very many new possibilities are now finally yours to seek out... your path from where you are now... to where you want to be will reveal itself... all you need to do is be you and continue...Onward!

Big Hugs, Big Love

A 😀💕🌻

Quote from: TXSara on January 04, 2024, 11:53:08 AMThe good news is that while my issues are definitely transgender "adjacent", the problem of an anxious attachment style is one that is fairly common in the larger population.  I'm not going to limit myself to people who specialize in gender-related issues.

I have started throwing out the net, so we'll see what comes back over the next few days.

~Sara

Sara,
I think that is a good idea. Fortunately for me my therapist is not only experienced with gender related issues but very good in handling all my other issues. I am lucky to have her.

If you are open to video sessions, my therapist is also licensed in Texas. If you want PM or email me and I can give you her contact information.

Ellen

Thanks, Ashley—

Truthfully, though, I don't think that "Romanceville" is a place I want to go right this second.  The sad feelings are still a bit raw, and I'm also only 47 days from my GRS with Dr. McGinn.  The fact that I'm on that cusp makes me a bit more emotionally volatile than usual.  It's probably best that I hold off until after I'm back and healed up a bit.  In the meantime, I'll work on myself.

——————

In separate news, I have completed my pre-surgery physical, and I have also paid Dr. McGinn her full surgery fee.  Now, I get to fight with the insurance company to get reimbursed part of that fee.  Joy.

I also have my flights booked.  My good friend Lu will be with me the full two weeks, and my friend Jessica will join us the Saturday after I get out of the hospital.  I'm hoping this will be a girl-bonding experience like my FFS was with my sisters.

~Sara

Sara-

Oh sis!!!  I hope you know that you are special and fun and worth it and not damaged goods- and I know that someone else will come along to see that too! Have faith that things will come along for you! It just may not be when you expect it!!  There was someone that I cared a great deal about and we got along great- but one night I just kept getting the feeling that they were not on the same path as I- and as devastating as it was I gave up that dream that night.  That gave me the space to see that someone who I thought would never be interested in me actually was (and vice-versa)- Those feelings were news to us but not a big surprise to others who saw us interacting over the prior months (maybe even you saw it!!)

Keep your eyes open for your diamond- in the meantime- come on back up here and we'll paint the town again!!

Hugs!!

Caela 

Quote from: EllenW on January 04, 2024, 01:35:37 PMIf you are open to video sessions, my therapist is also licensed in Texas. If you want PM or email me and I can give you her contact information.

Thanks, Ellen, but I'm pretty "old school" when it comes to that stuff.  I much prefer to be in person.

~Sara

Quote from: CaelaNotKayla on January 04, 2024, 01:59:20 PMThose feelings were news to us but not a big surprise to others who saw us interacting over the prior months (maybe even you saw it!!)

Keep your eyes open for your diamond- in the meantime- come on back up here and we'll paint the town again!!

Actually, I didn't notice.  We were only there that one night, and Samantha was keeping Michelle company while you and I were on the dance floor!!  ;D

I would love to come visit again.  My niece will be moving next year, though, so my free place to stay is going away soon!

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 04, 2024, 01:57:26 PMIn separate news, I have completed my pre-surgery physical, and I have also paid Dr. McGinn her full surgery fee.  Now, I get to fight with the insurance company to get reimbursed part of that fee.  Joy.

I also have my flights booked.  My good friend Lu will be with me the full two weeks, and my friend Jessica will join us the Saturday after I get out of the hospital.  I'm hoping this will be a girl-bonding experience like my FFS was with my sisters.

That is fantastic news. Best of luck to you

Ellen

Hey Sara - as I said to you previously, I just hope you can look at what happened without blaming/shaming yourself. NOT to blame your ex, but all I mean is, you mentioned how you realized (maybe too late) what her needs are in a relationship. When you find the right person, it will because you both understand what each of you need - insecurities, faults and all. None of us are perfect. We just strive to be our best and be there for those we love.
You're an amazing woman. You've got a lot to give and a lot to offer, and just because it didn't work with this fantastic woman isn't either of your faults. You're both just meant for others.
Love,
Allie

Quote from: TXSara on January 04, 2024, 11:53:08 AMWell, the first order of business is to modify my therapy schedule / focus.  As much as I love Renee and all she has done for me during my transition, we have become a bit too familiar of late.  When I go into therapy nowadays, it is more like catching up with an old friend.  If I want to really make a change in my behaviors, I'm going to need to find someone different.

To that end, I'm going to start trying out new therapists.  The good news is that while my issues are definitely transgender "adjacent", the problem of an anxious attachment style is one that is fairly common in the larger population.  I'm not going to limit myself to people who specialize in gender-related issues.

I have started throwing out the net, so we'll see what comes back over the next few days.

~Sara

I am glad you decided to come back. I love your blog for gems like this. I believe a part of transition is becoming better, more whole people. Seeing you openly - nay almost casually - working on it is great.

~Jenn

Quote from: TXSara on January 04, 2024, 01:57:26 PMIn separate news, I have completed my pre-surgery physical, and I have also paid Dr. McGinn her full surgery fee.  Now, I get to fight with the insurance company to get reimbursed part of that fee.  Joy.

I also have my flights booked.  My good friend Lu will be with me the full two weeks, and my friend Jessica will join us the Saturday after I get out of the hospital.  I'm hoping this will be a girl-bonding experience like my FFS was with my sisters.

~Sara

That's awesome news, Sara! The surgery may seem a little surreal at first, but I know Dr. McGinn will do a great job for you. I think I mentioned this a few months ago, but McGinn is in a movie called 'Trans'. It's very informative.

Love always -- Jess

Hey Sara, it is good to see you back.

It seems like there's a lot of reinventing that has to happen as part of the transition process. In addition to understanding how I'm going to navigate relationships as I continue to change, I'm also beginning to rethink a lifetime of relating to the world as my former self, and wondering how this version of me wants to do that. I know it's a process that's going to take a lot of time. Sara, as Athena would say, you're doing it right. There have been bumps along the way - painful ones - and there will be more, but you're taking every opportunity to evolve and to grow stronger. I'm honored to call you my friend and I look forward to watching you blossom.

It was an interesting night...

A few months ago, Feleshia (my other therapist) suggested that I start going to something called "Chick Happy Hour."  This is a monthly lesbian meetup that occurs on the first Thursday of every month.  Yesterday was that day.

I debated going because I'm really not ready to get back out there.  That being said, I figured it would be good to get out of the house.  I refuse to allow myself to mope.

So, I went.  Here's what happened...

I felt out of place at first.  I went to the bar, grabbed a glass of wine, and just looked around at the crowd.  I'd guess there were 60-80 people there.  Not being one to just awkwardly sit there, I instead awkwardly approached someone at the edge of a larger friend group and started chatting.  Quickly, I was introduced to the bigger group and joined in the laughs.

Over the course of the night, I met at least 20 different people, and they were all really nice.  I really needed that.  I also got hit on by a few women, which was a much needed ego stroke.

One of the most interesting things was that my HER app was blowing up with likes and friend requests.  The app has the ability to filter based on who is currently near you, so I think there are quite a few women who were seeing me in the flesh, looking me up on the app, and making contact that way rather than trying to strike up a conversation.  It made me feel good.  I guess I've still "got it"!

As difficult as this week has been for me, I think I'm going to bounce back quickly.  I thoroughly enjoyed my NYE party on Sunday, and I had a blast last night as well.  Give me a few more weeks to grieve, and I'll be back.  Go me!

~Sara

Your post made me smile, Sara. I'm so happy to hear that you had a great evening and made some new friends. Knowing that others are interested in getting to know you is quite affirming. You're a beautiful lady, and don't you ever forget it!

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: TXSara on January 04, 2024, 10:55:49 AMThis is more about me doing the things I need to do to make sure this type of thing doesn't happen the NEXT time I find someone special.  It may be a long while before I find someone as wonderful as she was, but I always have hope – that's just who I am.

I won't advise because I think you already know what you need ^here.^

Quote from: TXSara on January 05, 2024, 07:17:29 AMIt was an interesting night...

A few months ago, Feleshia (my other therapist) suggested that I start going to something called "Chick Happy Hour."  This is a monthly lesbian meetup that occurs on the first Thursday of every month.  Yesterday was that day.

I debated going because I'm really not ready to get back out there.  That being said, I figured it would be good to get out of the house.  I refuse to allow myself to mope.

So, I went.  Here's what happened...

I felt out of place at first.  I went to the bar, grabbed a glass of wine, and just looked around at the crowd.  I'd guess there were 60-80 people there.  Not being one to just awkwardly sit there, I instead awkwardly approached someone at the edge of a larger friend group and started chatting.  Quickly, I was introduced to the bigger group and joined in the laughs.

Over the course of the night, I met at least 20 different people, and they were all really nice.  I really needed that.  I also got hit on by a few women, which was a much needed ego stroke.

One of the most interesting things was that my HER app was blowing up with likes and friend requests.  The app has the ability to filter based on who is currently near you, so I think there are quite a few women who were seeing me in the flesh, looking me up on the app, and making contact that way rather than trying to strike up a conversation.  It made me feel good.  I guess I've still "got it"!

As difficult as this week has been for me, I think I'm going to bounce back quickly.  I thoroughly enjoyed my NYE party on Sunday, and I had a blast last night as well.  Give me a few more weeks to grieve, and I'll be back.  Go me!

~Sara

Heck, yeah!

Thanks, O&C!  Believe me, your advice is ALWAYS welcome!  It's great to hear from you.

~Sara

Well, you're gorgeous, smart, kind and successful.

The world is about to discover your greatness. Go Sara!

^^^^^ yeah. What Courtney said. I mouth dropped when I saw your new avatar.

You are stunning.

Quote from: TXSara on January 05, 2024, 07:17:29 AMI felt out of place at first.  I went to the bar, grabbed a glass of wine, and just looked around at the crowd.  I'd guess there were 60-80 people there.  Not being one to just awkwardly sit there, I instead awkwardly approached someone at the edge of a larger friend group and started chatting.  Quickly, I was introduced to the bigger group and joined in the laughs.

That sounds like a fun evening!!  I hope you made a ton of new friends (and maybe even got a few numbers!!!)

Quote from: TXSara on January 05, 2024, 07:17:29 AMIt made me feel good.  I guess I've still "got it"!

Have you met you??  Of course you still have it sis!! You never lost it!!  ;D

Quote from: TXSara on January 05, 2024, 07:17:29 AMAs difficult as this week has been for me, I think I'm going to bounce back quickly.  I thoroughly enjoyed my NYE party on Sunday, and I had a blast last night as well.  Give me a few more weeks to grieve, and I'll be back.  Go me!

~Sara

You go girl!!  Looking as stunning as you are in your new avatar I know in a few weeks Texas won't know what hit it!!

Hugs!!

Caela

Quote from: TXSara on January 05, 2024, 07:17:29 AMIt made me feel good.  I guess I've still "got it"!
~Sara

Yeah, you still got it. Never forget that.

Ellen

So, I'm having my ups and downs...

I'm struggling a little this afternoon.  I'm not exactly sure what triggered it, but I needed to come home to cry it out for a while.  I'm not even sure if I'm done yet.  These things come in fits and spurts.

I have never been one to try to avoid grief.  It's a cycle you have to go through in order to heal.  I think if you try to avoid having these feelings, they'll stick around to affect you in the future.  It's just time to be sad right now, you know?

All that being said, though, I'm also not just going to take trips down memory lane over and over so that I'm a blubbering mess.  I guess there's a happy medium.  Hopefully by letting myself have a few 20-30 minute "ugly cries" over the next month, I'll be better for it.

~Sara

Oh, by the way...

I ended up getting invited into a couple new Facebook groups after my Thursday night at "Chick Happy Hour".  One of them is a women's tennis / pickleball club that meets up every Friday after work to play pickleball.  They play from 5-8, then all go out to eat afterward.

Believe it or not, I have never played pickleball.  I'm sure I'll be horrible, but it'll be fun meeting some new people anyway.  It is a mostly lesbian group.  I'm not looking to start anything up with anyone right now, but meeting new friends and expanding the circle is ALWAYS good.

We'll see if I can figure out how to make it next week.  I have always done "pizza and a movie" night with the girls on Fridays, but it hasn't been the same since my wife and I got divorced.  The whole thing feels a bit strained because we're both trying to have quality time with the girls and we're not always getting along.  I told my oldest this last week that we might need to just have a day where I take them (without the ex) to the movies instead.  Now that I have a scheduling conflict on Fridays, I may make that change sooner rather than later.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 06, 2024, 02:18:19 PMAll that being said, though, I'm also not just going to take trips down memory lane over and over so that I'm a blubbering mess.  I guess there's a happy medium.  Hopefully by letting myself have a few 20-30 minute "ugly cries" over the next month, I'll be better for it.

The HRT-aided ugly cries are no joke. I've had a lot lately.

Well, I haven't received a LOT of responses from the inquiries I made with new therapists, but I DO have one appointment made for Friday morning.  I hope that she'll challenge me and push me to actually make progress.

In preparation for Friday, I have started writing things down that I feel are relevant.  It's going to take a while —- I need to put down both the facts associated with different events from the past as well as how they made me feel.

I think I'll be channeling Chunk from the Goonies when the Fratellis tell him to "spill his guts"...

"OK, I'll talk!  In third grade, I cheated on my history exam.  In fourth grade, I stole my Uncle Max's toupee and glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew School play..." ;)

Yep, I hear you, Chunk.  Lots of stuff to unpack in 50 years.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 07, 2024, 02:52:58 PMWell, I haven't received a LOT of responses from the inquiries I made with new therapists, but I DO have one appointment made for Friday morning.  I hope that she'll challenge me and push me to actually make progress.

In preparation for Friday, I have started writing things down that I feel are relevant.  It's going to take a while —- I need to put down both the facts associated with different events from the past as well as how they made me feel.

I think I'll be channeling Chunk from the Goonies when the Fratellis tell him to "spill his guts"...

"OK, I'll talk!  In third grade, I cheated on my history exam.  In fourth grade, I stole my Uncle Max's toupee and glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew School play..." ;)

Yep, I hear you, Chunk.  Lots of stuff to unpack in 50 years.

~Sara

Good luck Sara!

The big advantages you have this time are a) having been through the process now, you have so much more of a sense right away what you're looking for in a therapist and b) you're also a lot more likely to advocate for yourself and not stick with a therapist who isn't serving your needs.

Keeping up with therapy seems to help all of us, especially until we find our own equilibrium.

I'd counsel to ensure you like the therapist!  Its quite the challenge to find one in the first place as I well know.  Some are just in it for the money.  My fist civilian one?  Seemed to be in it for the money.  My VA therapist turned out to be quite helpful, useful and professional.

Good luck with your continuing journey.

Quote from: TXSara on January 06, 2024, 02:31:11 PMOh, by the way...

I ended up getting invited into a couple new Facebook groups after my Thursday night at "Chick Happy Hour".  One of them is a women's tennis / pickleball club that meets up every Friday after work to play pickleball.  They play from 5-8, then all go out to eat afterward.

Believe it or not, I have never played pickleball.  I'm sure I'll be horrible, but it'll be fun meeting some new people anyway.  It is a mostly lesbian group.  I'm not looking to start anything up with anyone right now, but meeting new friends and expanding the circle is ALWAYS good.

Pickleball is the national sport up here in the Republic of Cascadia.  I've had my pickleball paddle longer than I've know most of my friends, but don't ask me how to play!!  Social hour afterwards is always the best part for me!  Good luck with the new group of friends!

Hugs!!

Caela

So, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in an attempt to understand (a) why I have developed an anxious attachment style, and (b) why it was never much of an issue prior to this year.

I have started reading a book called "Anxiously Attached", and the main theory that I keep hearing is that this attachment style derives from how we were handled at an early age.  I'm not sure this rings true for me.  I had an extremely loving and supportive family.  Even though my parents were divorced, there was never a question of whether my parents (or grandparents, for that matter) would be there for me.

I really think that this is more of a situation where my personality type is just more prone to this type of behavior, and my transition has been the trigger that brought it all to the surface.

I still see myself as "damaged" because I am transgender.  I need to find a way to get over this or I'll never fully feel "safe" in a relationship.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 09, 2024, 11:02:15 AMSo, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in an attempt to understand (a) why I have developed an anxious attachment style, and (b) why it was never much of an issue prior to this year.

...I still see myself as "damaged" because I am transgender.  I need to find a way to get over this or I'll never fully feel "safe" in a relationship.

~Sara

There are many possible factors, but it may simply be due to transition. I think we all just want to be loved for who we are. A relationship also gives us a sense of validation. For those who had a long-term relationship which was lost due to transition, the anxiety may even be magnified. Although my relationship survived, it certainly isn't the same as what it used to be. It takes time, but it's often difficult to have patience when you are accustomed to being in a relationship. One of the best lines I ever saw on Susan's Place:


I hope the book provides the information you're looking for.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

QuoteSo, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching in an attempt to understand (a) why I have developed an anxious attachment style, and (b) why it was never much of an issue prior to this year.

Sara, I think it's because of the beating we take by politicians and tens of millions of our fellow citizens. Sometimes we're literally beaten. And for decades, we've been punchlines in sitcoms. It chips away at our self-confidence.

Speaking of chipping away at my self-confidence...

I attended a luncheon called "Blue Tuesday" today that was set up by a local liberal women's group.  There was a speaker there that talked about the different things that are currently going on in the state w.r.t. child protective service along with some other issues.  There were about 25 of us there, and it was my first time being there with the group.

The lunch was really nice until people started raising their hands and commenting.  One particular lady started her comment out by saying, "Well, we're all well-educated women here... well, all except for the one man who has joined us.." pointing in my direction.  I don't even know what she said after that.  It was all a blur.  Did I hear her correctly?  No joke, I turned around to see if there was a man who had come into the room and sat behind me.  Nope.

Folks, this one cut deep.  I think this is the first time I have EVER been outed by a stranger to a larger group of people.  I would have NEVER expected it from a member of the LWCC (Liberal Women of Collin County) group.  I sat there, just trying to hold it in for the rest of the luncheon.  Luckily we were done eating at that point, and I only needed to make it about 10 minutes.  When I got to my car, I broke down.

What was the point of doing that?  It didn't add anything to her comment at all.  It was just a mean-spirited thing for her to say, essentially letting me know that I wasn't a "real" woman and I didn't belong there.

I won't be going back.

~Sara

Sara, I'm tearing up while reading your last post. I can't even...

I'm so sorry. How do decent people navigate this world when there's so much ignorance and/or hate all around us? And why the heck didn't someone else chime in and tear her a new one? I'm a very non-confrontational person, but I'm so worked up over this - I'm pretty sure I would have gotten in her face over this.

This evolution is slow process. It can't come quick enough.

(I kept typing here, ranting, because I'm so worked up, but I'll just leave it all out for now)

QuoteWhat was the point of doing that?  It didn't add anything to her comment at all.  It was just a mean-spirited thing for her to say, essentially letting me know that I wasn't a "real" woman and I didn't belong there.

I won't be going back.

So much for her being "well-educated." What heaped shame upon her shameful ugliness is that no one challenged her.

For decades, I have reached for this Arthur Miller quote: "Every man needs his Jew."

Well, that woman needed her Jew too and she chose you.

I have never felt less safe than I do now because we have become America's Jew, at least for tens of millions of Americans.

I'm sad for you, Sara. And sad for all of us.

QuoteAnd why the heck didn't someone else chime in and tear her a new one?

Courtney, you and I had the same thought.

It brings another often quoted observation: "All evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing."

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 02:14:26 PMCourtney, you and I had the same thought.

It brings another often quoted observation: "All evil needs to succeed is for good people to stand by and do nothing."

I'm just...livid over this. What did ANYONE have to gain by this meanness?

Sara, I'm so sorry you had to endure such a horrid comment from that person. I agree about never going back to that group. Think about it more like this, she was intimidated by your beauty and upset that you are so much nicer than her -- inside and out. Karma will eventually find her. Stay strong, Sara. Lots of hugs...

Love always -- Jess

QuoteWhat did ANYONE have to gain by this meanness?

She got to feel superior, which matters to her, as evidenced by her "Well-educated" descriptor. I'm guessing she was a mean girl in school and wants high schools rules to forever be in play, where there are cool kids simply because there are kids who aren't cool. She needs an other and so she othered Sara, who actually is well-educated and has accomplished beyond the mean woman's ken.

I think this woman needs to be called out.  I'm not going to do it, though.

I thought really hard about posting about this on the LWCC Facebook page.  I decided against it.  My ex-GF is a member of this Facebook group (it has ~5k members), and I know she would see the post if I made it.  I also know that she'd contact me once she saw the post. 

I can't have that.  I'm making good progress in getting over her, and I don't need the setback of her coming to my emotional rescue.  It would only stir up old feelings.

~Sara

Sara,

I am so sorry that you this happened to you. Please do not let this one person ruin your self-confidence. You are a caring and wonderful woman.

Lots of hugs

Ellen

Quote from: TXSara on January 09, 2024, 11:02:15 AMI really think that this is more of a situation where my personality type is just more prone to this type of behavior, and my transition has been the trigger that brought it all to the surface.

Digging a bit more into what I said earlier about the origins of my attachment problem, I found some pretty interesting stuff online.

Background:

I have recently found out that I am an enneagram type 9w1.  Type 9's are known as the "Peacemakers", and 9w1 is known as the "Dreamer".  I have always been a fan of looking inward at what really motivates me, and the enneagram does a better job of this IMO than the Meyers-Briggs typing (I'm INFP, by the way). 

At our core, Nines want everyone to get along and be at peace.  It sounds like a really positive way of living, and I have a large number of friends because of my easy-going nature.  There is a darker side, though.  In order to make other people happy, I tend to marginalize myself.  I can sometimes go to sleep to my own wants and needs in order to get along with other people.  It's quite the double-edged sword.

If you haven't ever looked into this stuff, you should.  You might learn a lot about yourself, realizing that the same traits that are extremely positive in some contexts are your downfall in others.  Fascinating stuff.  I'll probably talk more about this later, but I don't want to go too long with this post. 

The point of bringing this up now is to give context to an excerpt from a post I found earlier that I found to be really helpful and interesting.  This quote comes from Raena Hubbell's blog at:

https://www.raenahubbell.com/enneagram-attachment-styles

QuoteAnxious-Preoccupied Types: Two, Seven, and Nine

As previously mentioned, psychologists refer to the anxious-preoccupied mindset as characterized by a "negative" view of self and a "positive" regard for others. While this language doesn't quite capture the subtleties of how each type approaches attachment at average or unhealthy Levels of Development, it points to the dynamic between the individual's way of relating to self versus relating to others. This mindset gives rise to various anxiety-driven behaviors that attempt to re-establish or reinforce the sense of connection with the other.

Type Two: I want you to love me as much as I love you

At average or unhealthy Levels of Development, Twos fear that they're unworthy of love and that the other person doesn't return their level of affection. Their sense of self-worth becomes inextricably tied to how helpful, giving, and supportive they are to the other person, and they start doing things for the other person to "earn" their love. They focus their energy on demonstrating affection with the hope that it is returned in the form of appreciation. This dynamic gives rise to a great deal of anxiety – that their partner doesn't love them back, that they're not doing the right things for their partner, or that they'll be rejected (translation: that they won't be loved).

Type Seven: I want the relationship to be awesome

Sevens in an insecurely attached relationship feel enthusiastic about the attachment and their partner but fear that the relationship won't stay "awesome." As they think about the future, they develop anxiety that one (or both) of the partners will get bored or the happiness won't last and devote their energy to occupying the relationship with activities to keep it exciting (e.g. planning lots of fun dates, trips, outings, etc.) Ironically, their partner may find this exhausting and it can become a source of conflict if the other person doesn't have the same level of energy.

Type Nine: I just want you to be happy

Nines are prone to an insecure attachment style due to their focus on maintaining peace and harmony in their relationships. They'll naturally have a positive regard for their partner (as they do for almost everyone), but fear that there will be conflict or that the other person will be upset. To prevent this from happening, they employ Ego-driven strategies such as accommodating the other person, merging with their partner, and failing to assert boundaries. They spend their energy trying to keep the other person happy and sacrifice or deny their own needs to stay connected.

It is certainly of note that anxious-preoccupied is the only attachment styles triad that overlaps with another known triad: the positive outlook types. This actually makes sense, as the anxious-preoccupied types have a "positive" view of others and their relationships, and positive outlook types approach problems, conflicts, and others with a positive mindset. This mindset is characterized by phrases such as "Things will work out," "In the long run it will be okay," and "Let's look at the bright side." This way of thinking will cause the person – consciously or subconsciously – to avoid acknowledging the downsides or problems with their partner or relationship. Rather, the energy will go into maintaining a happy relationship through Ego-specific strategies (as discussed above).

I totally agree that I'm prone to this behavior.  I remember having a little of this back in High School with both my 9th and 11th grade girlfriends.  As soon as I felt them even slightly backing away, I became really anxious and probably hastened the breakups.  A few years ago, I would have chalked it up as a young kid learning how to relate with others.  Now, I think it may be been a harbinger of things to come.

~Sara

I can relate to a lot of this, Sara. I bought the book that you mentioned earlier in the thread. Thank you for that.

Just know that this very non-confrontational person would have called out that person's behavior with a full voice.

I am really sorry to read about your experience at that luncheon meeting. It is heartbreaking. I would have never expected such behavior at a liberal leaning group and it is also surprising that nobody else called her out. I am not sure how liberal this group really is.

I agree that it isn't a good idea to take that issue to their FB group, but if that group has some form of formal leadership, it might make sense to reach out and let them know about your experience and that the group isn't living up to their liberal credentials.

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Terrible you had to endure this rude woman.
After meeting you in Philly and New Hope my observations of you:
Nicely toned body
Beautiful face and hair
Height and body well proportioned for a woman
Great boobs
Beautiful legs
Moved with grace and form
Smart and witty, very caring
Voice, very feminine
I must say I was blown away and in total aww. You are what most cis women dream of being. And a trans girls fantasy. Absolutely no part of you says man. This bully must have heard it through the grape vine because she never clocked you. Before reading the comments I thought this sounded like some grade school bullying. This woman must have such a low self esteem of herself that the only way she feels good is by putting others down. So sad there are people like her in this world. Even more sad that others in the group didn't respond, which shows nobody was listening to her. I bet they have had to endure her narcist comments before and just ignore her now.
Only 6 weeks to go before the big day if I remember right. That will be here before you know it, Sarah, I bet you are getting excited. Hang in there.
Big HUGS
Gina

I am sorry that happened.  I don't know of anything else I can say that won't just repeat what others have said.  Even though I am hundreds of miles away, that punch to your gut was felt in mine reading about it.  I'd love to give you a hug.

Quote from: TXSara on January 09, 2024, 01:57:51 PMSpeaking of chipping away at my self-confidence...

I attended a luncheon called "Blue Tuesday" today that was set up by a local liberal women's group.  There was a speaker there that talked about the different things that are currently going on in the state w.r.t. child protective service along with some other issues.  There were about 25 of us there, and it was my first time being there with the group.

The lunch was really nice until people started raising their hands and commenting.  One particular lady started her comment out by saying, "Well, we're all well-educated women here... well, all except for the one man who has joined us.." pointing in my direction.  I don't even know what she said after that.  It was all a blur.  Did I hear her correctly?  No joke, I turned around to see if there was a man who had come into the room and sat behind me.  Nope.

Folks, this one cut deep.  I think this is the first time I have EVER been outed by a stranger to a larger group of people.  I would have NEVER expected it from a member of the LWCC (Liberal Women of Collin County) group.  I sat there, just trying to hold it in for the rest of the luncheon.  Luckily we were done eating at that point, and I only needed to make it about 10 minutes.  When I got to my car, I broke down.

What was the point of doing that?  It didn't add anything to her comment at all.  It was just a mean-spirited thing for her to say, essentially letting me know that I wasn't a "real" woman and I didn't belong there.

I won't be going back.

~Sara

All I want to do right now is give you a hug, Sara.  ❤️

I already thought you were one of the strongest women I know. I wish so much it didn't have to be this way, but surviving this nightmare scenario is only going to make you stronger in the long run. These vindictive people don't get the privilege of impacting your world with their small-minded prejudices.

I must have been a comic in a previous life cos I would have replied is that thick layer of make up hiding your stubble?
 Only time I got cross with someone was a food vendor reputably saying SIR to me loudly. Just ignore them as they are not worth bothering with and the universe will get them back.

Well crud.  This isn't going to work very well...

I bought the "Anxiously Attached" book on Audible because it allows me to multitask.  I can be driving to work or I can be going for a walk, etc.  I have found, though, that I start blubbering at times when I'm listening to it.  No Bueno.  It's not a good idea to cry at work, so I'm going to have to limit this to times when I'm able to be alone.  Oh well.

In other news, I spoke to a second potential new therapist yesterday and set up an appointment for next Tuesday.  She and I spoke on the phone for about 10 minutes about my attachment issues, and I'm looking forward to meeting her.

I have my  appointment with the first therapist tomorrow morning.  I'll give each of these two a try, then either narrow to one or keep looking.  Wish me luck!

~Sara

Much Luck!

It'll work out.

Sara, I wish you the best of luck in finding a new therapist, but don't get too attached to them.

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 11, 2024, 08:27:47 AMSara, I wish you the best of luck in finding a new therapist, but don't get too attached to them.

Love always -- Jess

HaHa!  Very cute, Jessica!

Quote from: TXSara on January 11, 2024, 08:13:42 AMWell crud.  This isn't going to work very well...

I bought the "Anxiously Attached" book on Audible because it allows me to multitask.  I can be driving to work or I can be going for a walk, etc.  I have found, though, that I start blubbering at times when I'm listening to it.  No Bueno.  It's not a good idea to cry at work, so I'm going to have to limit this to times when I'm able to be alone.  Oh well.

In other news, I spoke to a second potential new therapist yesterday and set up an appointment for next Tuesday.  She and I spoke on the phone for about 10 minutes about my attachment issues, and I'm looking forward to meeting her.

I have my  appointment with the first therapist tomorrow morning.  I'll give each of these two a try, then either narrow to one or keep looking.  Wish me luck!

~Sara

You know, cage matches are still, objectively speaking, the most effective way to decide between two qualified therapists. I believe I read about that in a magazine. The most annoying part is acquiring the cage. I'd highly suggest RENTING.  You don't want to buy one until you really determine whether or not you're really a "cage" woman or not.

Just my $0.02

You know, Allie, I have never been much of a fan of the cage match. 

When the wrestling ring is replaced with a cage, it can take too many of the best moves away!  I want to see one of my therapists jumping off the top turnbuckle!

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 11, 2024, 09:40:08 AMYou know, Allie, I have never been much of a fan of the cage match. 

When the wrestling ring is replaced with a cage, it can take too many of the best moves away!  I want to see one of my therapists jumping off the top turnbuckle!

~Sara

 If you want to go against a twice blind academic study, that's on you.

I will begrudgingly admit, however, that turnbuckle is just an objectively funny word. So I'm probably ready to throw out the science and side with you.

Ooh, good to know about the "Anxiously" book, Sara. I downloaded it to Audible, as well, but haven't gotten to it. I'll proceed cautiously. I cry a lot these days and my need/search for love and acceptance is a major hot button issue, so I suspect it will evoke a similar response from me.

Good luck with with the Battle For Sara's Next Therapist. May the best shrink win.

I had the first of two "meet and greet" therapy sessions today.  I may have to see each of these therapists more than once to get a good idea of how well we work together, though.  The truth is that most of the first session is about me opening up and telling the therapist what is going on and (from my standpoint) why.  It takes a while to "level set" a new person to the situation, what I already know to be my triggers, etc.

I could tell that she was fighting back tears as I told her everything I have been through, from events that shaped me during my childhood to the recent setback with my latest relationship.  Of course, my waterworks were also going full blast.  That's pretty normal for me, though.

She did mention that she uses EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as a technique for managing anxiety, but I'm not exactly sure about whether it would apply to me.  I have heard of this being the "big thing" for PTSD issues, but I don't think my problems are tied to any one trauma incident.  There are definitely a handful of important events that have shaped me, but I don't know if this technique is the best for me.  I'll probably try to do some research on it.

Has anyone else had EMDR therapy proposed?  Did it do anything for you?

~Sara

My therapist has suggested it to me, but I am completely telehealth with her and she says it is something best done F2F. I would like to try but haven't been able to get the timing right. So I am interested in any responses you get to this as well, and also your experiences if you try it. And being from the Sportatorium area myself, nothing beats watching a 400 pound gorilla landing belly first on someone from the turnbuckle! I actually got to see some Von Erich matches as a youngster. Haven't watched the movie yet though, and don't know if I will, the family was tortured with tragedy.

I suggest that you have a discussion with Athena (BG) about PTSD. I didn't think I had it either, but she had some interesting insights that seemed to explain a lot. 

Quote from: TXSara on January 12, 2024, 01:42:46 PMShe did mention that she uses EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as a technique for managing anxiety, but I'm not exactly sure about whether it would apply to me.  I have heard of this being the "big thing" for PTSD issues, but I don't think my problems are tied to any one trauma incident.  There are definitely a handful of important events that have shaped me, but I don't know if this technique is the best for me.  I'll probably try to do some research on it.

Has anyone else had EMDR therapy proposed?  Did it do anything for you?

~Sara

EMDR sounds intriguing. I had never heard of this. Let us know if you decide to use it and how it works out. I hate the old memories that haunt me and refuse to fade.
Hugs Gina

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 14, 2024, 12:25:39 AMI suggest that you have a discussion with Athena (BG) about PTSD. I didn't think I had it either, but she had some interesting insights that seemed to explain a lot. 

I will.  I'm in contact with Athena almost daily LOL, so I'll have plenty of opportunities to ask!

I always thought of PTSD as being something that comes from a "life threatening" trauma event.  As I understand it a little better, I'm finding that I have dealt with quite a few trauma events over the past couple years that may have contributed to my recent anxiety problems.  Most of those have to do with being "othered". 

There were a lot of "bad smell face" moments during my transition that I had to endure.  I still see those faces very clearly.  They still hurt.  I'll never forget the face this one woman made toward me on my very first public outing in "girl mode" a few years ago.  It still haunts me.  It was a look of repulsion.  Brutal.

There was also the first week of online dating where I made the horrible mistake of not making it very clear in my profile that I was transgender.  I received an extreme amount of attention from many men who seemed very dateable "on paper".  It was excruciating to live through rejection after rejection as I messaged back and made it clear that I was transgender.  At the end of that week, there were exactly ZERO people who thought I was worth getting to know.  Ouch.

Then there was the moment of clarity where I realized that I was constantly being objectified by the men who were interested in me after knowing I was trans.  It turns out that they weren't really interested in ME at all -- they were only interested in having sex with a very feminine and attractive "chick with a <rhymes with click>".  It hurts to realize that you are only a sex toy in someone else's mind.  It hurts even worse when you realize that you would have never given that dude the time of day if you were cisgender.

I think the worst one, though, was the frumpy, balding, chubby, dorky man who I gave a "chance" because he was so nice to me.  He was attentive, didn't seem concerned one way or the other about my extra appendage, and he seemed to genuinely be into ME.  I wasn't initially attracted, but I eventually found a small spark and tried to let it grow.  Things got physical, and once he saw me in "all my glory" I never heard from him again.  Ghosted.

I don't even need to mention the crap I dealt with last week -- that one is a very new and sore wound.

Like O&C said, these are the moments that wear down your self esteem.  It's a dang good thing that I have always had a borderline unhealthy high opinion of myself, because the things we go through are enough to really bring you down.

Maybe I DO have PTSD.

~Sara

Sara, your latest post was hard to read, but I'm glad you wrote it. Drag the hurt into the light because it thrives in the dark. I'll write more later. I must mull. The frankness of your post deserves that.

Sara,

I am so sorry that you have gone through all this turmoil dating. Concentrate on having your GCS in a few weeks and once you physically recover life will be a lot better.  There are good people out there and I know that you will find them.

Lots of HUGHS

Ellen 

QuoteThere were a lot of "bad smell face" moments during my transition that I had to endure.  I still see those faces very clearly.  They still hurt.  I'll never forget the face this one woman made toward me on my very first public outing in "girl mode" a few years ago.  It still haunts me.  It was a look of repulsion.  Brutal.

Sara, upon reflection, I hope that "those faces" blur over time. I hope they haunt you less and less. What I want for you is what I want for everyone. I want people to be happy. I even want that for the woman who gave you "a look of repulsion." I am nearly certain that that woman is an unhappy woman. Her investment in you, a stranger, is beyond sad. It's tragic.

There are people who embrace diversity, who are happiest among people who are different. I'm one of them. Then there are people who are comforted by conformity. That woman was such a person. Her craving of conformity comes from her weakness, her uncertainty. She needs everyone to be like her so that she doesn't have to wonder if she wants to be like her.

I know it's hard when someone looks AT YOU to remember that that moment wasn't about you; it was about her failings. Try to remember that and let it fade, let that ghost fade away.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 14, 2024, 01:28:35 PMSara, upon reflection, I hope that "those faces" blur over time. I hope they haunt you less and less. What I want for you is what I want for everyone. I want people to be happy. I even want that for the woman who gave you "a look of repulsion." I am nearly certain that that woman is an unhappy woman. Her investment in you, a stranger, is beyond sad. It's tragic.

There are people who embrace diversity, who are happiest among people who are different. I'm one of them. Then there are people who are comforted by conformity. That woman was such a person. Her craving of conformity comes from her weakness, her uncertainty. She needs everyone to be like her so that she doesn't have to wonder if she wants to be like her.

I know it's hard when someone looks AT YOU to remember that that moment wasn't about you; it was about her failings. Try to remember that and let it fade, let that ghost fade away.

Couldn't of said it better O&C 🌻

Sara!... I'm so sorry about the recent bumps in your road but, I know you will find your way and be even stronger and wiser on the other side of these challenges... Your attitude since day one assures success in all that you do little sister!

W Whitman...

"All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me."

Lotsa Hugs and Love!

A 💕

Ashley, I love that you quoted Walt Whitman. Walt saw us, i.e. humanity, at its horrific worst, for he volunteered as a nurse in the Civil War. He was thigh-high in arms, legs, and suffering. When you walk away from that, and write this,

"I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me,"

well, there is thunder in your words. He is Papa Walt, the patriarch of love you can't snuff.

I feel all of this very deeply and personally. As a long-term Person Of Low Self-esteem, I almost can't stand to think about the idea of suffering these slings and arrows as A Person Who Is Transitioning. I'm just not sure I have it in me.

Sorry, but I can't help but wish we could have our own little island or something, filled with queer people who love each other for exactly who we are, no more or less.

The problem is not the hate, ugliness and intolerance that's out there, the problem is that those sounds seem so much louder than the sounds of love and acceptance. We react to them so strongly and we give them more power when we do so. I ask you all: how do we learn to drown hate out with love? That's my desire. If I can figure out how to do that, I might be able to do "all of this."

Thanks everyone.  Your support is really helpful, and I am finding that it was a bit cathartic to get some of that stuff out.  I definitely feel better now than I did when I was writing it.

-------

Maybe it'll help to get another issue out into the open.  There is a separate core wound that I'll need to heal if I want to feel stable in any relationship going forward.  This one really doesn't have much to do with my transition and has been with me most of my life.

Here it is --

As a kid growing up, I was really small.  I mean REALLY small.  I was also a pretty "cute" kid, both in my personality and looks.  People liked me, and women and girls alike thought I was adorable.  Sounds great, right?  Not really if you're interested in dating.  I was constantly "friend-zoned" as a kid and young adult.  I was the person EVERYBODY rooted for to find a girlfriend, but nobody actually wanted to BE the girlfriend.  I was too dang nice, and there's nothing sexy about the nice little bunny rabbit.

Even when I DID date, I was never a person who "made a move" very easily.  I saw a lot of that as being disrespectful if I wasn't absolutely sure that it would be met with a positive reaction.  You see, most of my male role models were "womanizers".  My dad, my uncle, both grandfathers... I didn't think it was cool at all, and I didn't ever want to be like them.  As a result, I became really strong in the "connection" side of relationships and very weak in the "chemistry" side.  I lost multiple relationships in high school due to an inability to develop that chemistry.

As I grew older, I learned to push myself to be better at developing the sexual tension.  I learned to flirt, and I took reasonable (but never pushy) risks in getting more physical.  This worked pretty well, and things started to turn around for me.  I was never "Don Juan" with the ladies, but I did OK.

On the night that my ex-GF and I decided to become exclusive, she made a comment about her "cup being completely full" with me on the connection side, but that there were "still questions" on the sexual side.  She had accidentally stepped on a very old wound for me. 

What she meant by that comment was that there was a lot of uncertainty associated with my upcoming GRS.  She had perfectly reasonable concerns.  What if I decided that I really liked guys after that?  What if I was no longer interested in sex at all?  We talked about it, but the damage to my confidence was already done.  I was (in my mind) not measuring up.  I immediately went into heightened anxiety mode, and the events of the next week drove me over the edge.  Ugh.

This surgery can't come fast enough.  I need to finally feel "whole".

~Sara

Hey Lil' Sister!

Gonna send a few thoughts to you by text!

A❤️

Here is most of what I texted Sara in case others may find themselves with similar concerns...

Hey Sara!

I have always thought there were more then a few  similarities in our paths... Your description of your dynamic with girls in your youth was much like mine... Never one to make a first move and always striving to be respectful etc...  Many of my relationships were long lived but, they had quickly moved into friend mode and remained on auto pilot for years mostly because i clung to them... Always wanting that connection with a girl and afraid to  lose it... Eventually finding my way to a more workable approach as you did.

I want you to know there is more to your last line about surgery than you know... It is a transformative thing in every sense of the word... It really cements a lot of aspects of all this in place at levels you you cannot yet fully imagine... My unsolicited advice is this... Let go of your worries... Let go of concerns about how you fit into life and the world... Focus and prepare yourself for the great change coming your way... Post op... Focus on the routine of your self care and healing... When you are ready to turn your attention outward once again, to the world and to others.. It will all be seen through new eyes and new possibilities will be yours...

You are still pretty early in all this stuff and anxious, as I was... To have all the ducks of the new life quickly coming to life, lining up and quacking in unison! Trust in yourself... Trust in the process of becoming the you that you want to be... Trust in the world to adapt to you and... trust that you will adapt to the world...

I believe this experience of life is every bit for our benefit on the spiritual level... You and I are blessed with our "burden" of being a bit different and offered the lessons of love contained within the challenges... We have both been given so much... Family and friends and comfortable lives that would be the envy of many... I don't know where I am going with all this other then, in many ways I see some of my past in your past and I want you to know that... with a past like that... An Amazing And Beautiful Future Can Be Found!!!.. Go Claim Yours!

Onward We Go Brave Sister!!!

Hugs and Love!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

Thank you, Ashley --

You are a great friend, and you have been a wonderful mentor throughout the last few years.  I really appreciate you.

Quote from: tgirlamg on January 14, 2024, 08:53:07 PMI want you to know there is more to your last line about surgery than you know... It is a transformative thing in every sense of the word... It really cements a lot of aspects of all this in place at levels you you cannot yet fully imagine...

I agree, but I don't want to put too much pressure on the emotional outcome.  I know that having my body fully in line with my gender identity will be very affirming, but I am trying not to have a misguided view that all of a sudden life will be completely changed.  I think the biggest change will be in my own self-confidence.

Quote from: tgirlamg on January 14, 2024, 08:53:07 PMMy unsolicited advice is this... Let go of your worries... Let go of concerns about how you fit into life and the world... Focus and prepare yourself for the great change coming your way... Post op... Focus on the routine of your self care and healing... When you are ready to turn your attention outward once again, to the world and to others.. It will all be seen through new eyes and new possibilities will be yours...

Agreed.  I think it's about time for me to go into cocoon mode.  While my appearance will not be changed when I emerge, my internal view of self will likely be quite a bit better.  I'm looking forward to that.  It sucks feeling like you're broken, and it REALLY sucks when other people reinforce that belief for you.

Quote from: tgirlamg on January 14, 2024, 08:53:07 PMYou are still pretty early in all this stuff and anxious, as I was... To have all the ducks of the new life quickly coming to life, lining up and quacking in unison! Trust in yourself... Trust in the process of becoming the you that you want to be... Trust in the world to adapt to you and... trust that you will adapt to the world...

I'm doing my best, sis.  The past couple years have been one "trust fall" after another, and I am still here, relatively unscathed.  I fully expect this to work out in the end as well.

~Sara

Hi Sara,
Good luck with the GCS!

My wife was small was well. She was amazed that I avoided the bullying encountered by small people.
I had a sibling that tried to pick fights so I learned how to defend myself.

Lunchtime was biggest opportunity for bullying.  I was busy learning how to fix a teacher's Heathkits.  He put them together but they didn't work until I fixed them for him!

Marion

Quote from: Maid Marion on January 15, 2024, 09:50:59 AMMy wife was small was well. She was amazed that I avoided the bullying encountered by small people.
I had a sibling that tried to pick fights so I learned how to defend myself.

To be clear, I never was really "bullied" for being small.  Sure, I was called "shrimp" by my classmates, but it was always in fun.  The worst I got was my 7th grade track coach calling me "Mathelete" as a derisive term indicating that I was much better at math than athletics.  I can't fault him too much because he was right ;D. Most of that stuff rolled off my back -- I'm not hurt by any of it at all.

The hurt came from feeling like I was never taken seriously as a romantic interest.  I didn't realize how much of an emotional scar this was until my GF stepped on that landmine and totally shattered my confidence by bringing up some very old feelings.

~Sara

Yeah, I am taller than average NOW, but through most of my teens I was 5'5" to 5'6".  And, I looked like I was about 11-12 years old.  I wasn't sexually aggressive, and never got over that.  I married two different women that didn't age a problem being the initiator.  I come off as a huge dork if I try, it is so awkward that it tends to result in my partner laughing rather than being aroused.

I spent high school and college in the friend zone.  My senior year of high school I started to go through puberty, and by the end of my freshman year of college I was over 6'.  But, I was still incredibly insecure, and not sexually aggressive at all. 

And, I never worked past that.  I still can't initiate sex.  And, my wife doesn't anymore either.  I haven't had sex in so long that I can't even remember what year it was last time I did.  Maybe 10 years ago?  I probably haven't had sex a dozen times since I came out to my wife more than 17 years ago.   I miss intimacy more than intercourse, though I do miss both.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 15, 2024, 01:49:38 PMYeah, I am taller than average NOW, but through most of my teens I was 5'5" to 5'6".  And, I looked like I was about 11-12 years old.  I wasn't sexually aggressive, and never got over that.  I married two different women that didn't age a problem being the initiator.  I come off as a huge dork if I try, it is so awkward that it tends to result in my partner laughing rather than being aroused.

I spent high school and college in the friend zone.  My senior year of high school I started to go through puberty, and by the end of my freshman year of college I was over 6'.  But, I was still incredibly insecure, and not sexually aggressive at all. 

And, I never worked past that.  I still can't initiate sex.  And, my wife doesn't anymore either.  I haven't had sex in so long that I can't even remember what year it was last time I did.  Maybe 10 years ago?  I probably haven't had sex a dozen times since I came out to my wife more than 17 years ago.  I miss intimacy more than intercourse, though I do miss both.

This is a very personal topic and speaking to this public forum, many kudos to you.

I was bullied throughout school, not athletic or musical, pretty shy.  Not really socially awkward but unable to banter, tease or come up with snappy comebacks.  I was very sensitive to be sure.  Usually at least one bully at a time, someone different every school year.  I was smaller than others through middle school, seemed that there was always someone looking for another to hound all the way through high school. I lived in the libraries every spare minute for safety.  I love the escapism of books.

We hadn't spare income for extracurricular activities, and with no car or cash, going to town for social activities was a non-starter through my high school years.  We tried Boy Scouts once when I was 9-10, but when my stepmother figured out it cost money for the activities, uniforms and dues she pulled me out quickly.  Dad probably would have found a way to make it work because he believed in the program, yet he was deployed so much I had no protection or support from that quarter.

Low income and living out in the country, enough for a 45 min bus ride to and from school.  No car of my own until I went in the service.

I was very timid about initiating sex, almost always waiting for the partner to start.  I think I had such a difficult time because I was very rejection averse.  I still find that to be true even in my 60's.

I think part of my problem was that I was very insecure about my body, and took rejection very hard because frankly, I hated myself for being trans (didn't call it that back then) and thought of myself as completely unlovable.  I was terrified that if I got to know anyone well enough, they'd figure me out.  And, 3 out of my only 4 did.  The one who didn't figure it out on her own, I told and we are still married.

I have just caught up on your new blog Sara, and sorry to hear your woes. We are aways our worst enemy. And new life experiences are a new journey, one that has not been experienced before this way, so it is not surprising mistakes are made and anxiety kicks in.

I often refer to transition as starting one's teenage years again, physically by taking hormones and mentally seeing the world anew. And finding love as a teenager is difficult and full of insecurity and dead ends. The advantage we have is we have been there before and we learn quick.

It great that you have found the courage to get back out there again and pleased that you are getting already confirmation of your worth. Go girl upwards and onwards

Hugs
Jessica xxx

So, I met with therapist #2 this afternoon.  I like her, and not just because she's "in network"  ;).  She also has more qualifications than the other therapist (PsyD, etc).  I think I'm going to stick with her.  We're scheduled for a session two weeks from now, then we'll go every week leading up to my surgery.  We'll reassess where we are after that.

One thing that I really liked was the fact that she was very in tune with the fact that your internal view of self needs to be congruent with the objective evidence you see in the world around you.  There's no point filling yourself with positive self-statements that allow you to reject evidence to the contrary.  That's not helpful and can be potentially harmful in the long run.  I'm in total agreement with that.

I also liked the fact that she said my anxiety is a protection mechanism that is there for a good reason.  We don't want to do away with the anxiety -- we just want to make sure we're seeing things accurately and we'll try to stop the "spinning out of control" when it starts.

Like with the other therapist, most of the session was spent with me getting her level-set to the things that have gone on both recently and in the past.  We also talked about my hypothesis for what is happening with me, and she thought it was a very good self-analysis.  It would take too long to go into, but the gist is that every time I have felt anxiety in my relationships (three times -- twice in high school and this recent bout), there has been something that caused a large discrepancy between how I felt about myself and how I felt about my partner.  Essentially, I need to work the problem from both directions in order to bring my emotions more in line with reality.

Anyway, I think I have found someone I can work with, and no cage match was necessary.  ;D

~Sara

The last snarky part aside, that all sounds great, Sara!

The fact of the matter is, qualifications, experience, philosophy...all are important with a psychologist, but nothing matters if there isn't a personal connection. So hopefully you're on your way!

Love,
Allie

Sara,

I am very happy that you found a therapist that you click with. It is so important.

Good luck with your upcoming surgery.

Ellen

Quote from: EllenW on January 16, 2024, 09:56:05 PMSara,
I am very happy that you found a therapist that you click with. It is so important.
Good luck with your upcoming surgery.
Ellen

Agreed.  The therapist is a good tool, if you click.  Safe Journey, dear!

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 14, 2024, 12:25:39 AMI suggest that you have a discussion with Athena (BG) about PTSD. I didn't think I had it either, but she had some interesting insights that seemed to explain a lot. 

I finally got around to talking to Athena about this yesterday, and as usual, she had some intelligent thoughts on the subject.

QuoteCPTSD, or complex post-traumatic stress disorder, is the recognition that PTSD is not always the result of a single, horrible traumatic event like a car accident.  It can also result from a long-term barrage of traumatic events that individually may not seem all that bad.  This is what provides the complexity.  Another component is the feeling of being hopelessly trapped in the situation that causes / caused these tribulations.

Uh, yeah.  Why don't you just describe the back-story of every single person on this site, Athena?  ;)

I just thought I'd pass that on...

---------

On a different note, I'm feeling pretty good this week.  I surprise myself sometimes at how quickly I can bounce back after a disappointment.  I'm proud of that.

~Sara

Quote from: Jessica_K on January 16, 2024, 08:18:28 PMI have just caught up on your new blog Sara, and sorry to hear your woes. We are always our worst enemy.

Thanks, Jessica --

I noticed that I have had a bit more of a "woe is me" tone over the past couple weeks.  I need to do a better job of balanced reporting.  I'm actually doing pretty well. 

It's funny -- on my first blog, I sometimes felt like I was only reporting on the good things that happened.  I sometimes would need to go out of my way to report on the negatives in order to give everyone a more accurate picture.  The last thing I wanted to do was give someone the idea that transition would be all gumdrops and rainbows.  I fear that I may be doing the opposite here LOL.

I'm sure that within the next few weeks, my writing will go back to the old "Happy Sara" that has to be toned down a bit  ;D !

~Sara

Yes, a good therapist that can give you clarity is very important.
If you can relate well with the therapist, that is a really good thing for sure.
This was extremely helpful for me to gain self acceptance.


Chrissy

Yes it's a wild ride, just basically read your blog and I'm astounded, sad and angry at the injustice you have suffered.  I will be here and thinking of you, as you approach that all important date.

Those of us, who go through with it, finally realize the peace and contentment that never existed before, well I was one, before I went back to sleep the second time after coming out of surgery.

Best wishes for the future
Sarah B

Quote from: Sarah B on January 17, 2024, 09:55:49 PMYes it's a wild ride, just basically read your blog and I'm astounded, sad and angry at the injustice you have suffered.  I will be here and thinking of you, as you approach that all important date.

Thanks, Sarah.  I actually feel a bit sheepish when people on the site single me out as having suffered injustice.  I feel as though we ALL suffer here.  Those of us who transitioned many years ago had different (and likely more) difficulties than those of us who have done so more recently.  Those of us who have chosen NOT to transition suffer a completely DIFFERENT type of injustice.

I am lucky to have a very large support network.  I also feel like I have an easier time than most because I'm only 5'7" with small hands and feet  ;) .  It makes "blending in" a lot easier.  I am grateful for the life I have had and the future I have in front of me.  Nobody needs to ever feel sorry for me.

It's difficult to break my spirit...

~Sara

So, last night was interesting...

There was a happy hour scheduled with one of my new lesbian hangout groups, and the venue was the scene of the crime when I was "outed" by that horrible person a couple weeks ago.  There's a Facebook group for coordinating the monthly meetup, and when I had last looked there were 8 people going with another 4 "maybes".

The main organizer of the group is a really fun woman named Stephanie.  It turns out that there were some layoffs at her workplace yesterday, and she had to skip out on the happy hour because of the drama at work.  As soon as word got out that Stephanie wasn't going to be there, many others bailed as well.  I had no idea this was happening, so I showed up as planned.  When I got to the bar, there was just one other woman.  Luckily, I already knew Casey from "Chick Happy Hour" a couple weeks ago, so it wasn't awkward!  We just had dinner, wine, and a good time hanging out.

Truthfully, I think it worked out better than if there had been a lot of people.  I can get lost in the shuffle when there are a lot of folks talking because of my hearing problem.  If it gets too crazy, I can get myself into a situation where I can't understand ANYTHING that is being said.  I just smile and nod like a person in a foreign country who doesn't know the language.

It was a fun night.  I'm glad I was able to quickly replace the bad memory of that place with a new and better one.

~Sara

That sounds great, Sara. Next time, having someone there you already have somewhat of a relationship with makes interacting with the group as a whole a bit more comfortable. Plus, it's always nice to make a new friend!

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:31:28 PMThanks, Sarah.  I actually feel a bit sheepish when people on the site single me out as having suffered injustice.

Please don't feel embarrassed, and thank you Sara, for your thoughts on the way things are at present.  It's appreciated from me hearing the stories from members of Susan's who bear their souls online.  Again I'm sorry that you were publicly humiliated, this and in itself is an injustice, please do not downplay this issue.

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:31:28 PMI feel as though we ALL suffer here.  Those of us who transitioned many years ago had different (and likely more) difficulties than those of us who have done so more recently.

I was going to reply with a long response to this, but this is your blog, so I have turned that response into a general one about me and why I have never suffered.  One can access it by clicking on the following link "Never Ever (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247078.msg2261236.html#msg2261236)" however I must emphasize, I have never suffered, when I changed my life around so that I could live my life as a female or how I wanted too.

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:31:28 PMThose of us who have chosen NOT to transition suffer a completely DIFFERENT type of injustice.

You are right and regardless of the decision they make, one has to accept their decision or else it would make us hypocrites.

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:31:28 PMI am lucky to have a very large support network.  I also feel like I have an easier time than most because I'm only 5'7" with small hands and feet  ;) .  It makes "blending in" a lot easier.  I am grateful for the life I have had and the future I have in front of me.  Nobody needs to ever feel sorry for me.

I do not have the support network that you have and for 20 years after surgery I did not have any support, I was OK with this.  In a sense I guess Susan's is a place that I can come to for support, even after being 10 years away from Susan's.  My friends and family are my support and if my past needs to be discussed with my family, they know that they can ask me if they want.  I will not hide it from them.

Me too in terms of height, I'm 5'8" (173cm), with average hands that help with swimming and unfortunately, I have big feet which makes it hard to find shoes that will fit me.  I cannot, always be lucky, lucky I do not have a fetish for shoes!

Blending in has never been a problem for me.  I'm also very grateful for the life that I have including my past and I know that my future regardless of how it turns out and to flog a dead horse, I will always be eternally grateful to my surgeon, who gave me the life I now lead.

In my heart from reading your post, I know you will have a great future, guaranteed.  Me feel sorry for you, no way, from what you have achieved, there's no need to feel sorry for you.

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:31:28 PMIt's difficult to break my spirit...

~Sara

That's the spirit girl!

Best wishes
Sarah B

Quote from: TXSara on January 09, 2024, 01:57:51 PMSpeaking of chipping away at my self-confidence...

I attended a luncheon called "Blue Tuesday" today that was set up by a local liberal women's group.  There was a speaker there that talked about the different things that are currently going on in the state w.r.t. child protective service along with some other issues.  There were about 25 of us there, and it was my first time being there with the group.

The lunch was really nice until people started raising their hands and commenting.  One particular lady started her comment out by saying, "Well, we're all well-educated women here... well, all except for the one man who has joined us.." pointing in my direction.  I don't even know what she said after that.  It was all a blur.  Did I hear her correctly?  No joke, I turned around to see if there was a man who had come into the room and sat behind me.  Nope.

Folks, this one cut deep.  I think this is the first time I have EVER been outed by a stranger to a larger group of people.  I would have NEVER expected it from a member of the LWCC (Liberal Women of Collin County) group.  I sat there, just trying to hold it in for the rest of the luncheon.  Luckily we were done eating at that point, and I only needed to make it about 10 minutes.  When I got to my car, I broke down.

What was the point of doing that?  It didn't add anything to her comment at all.  It was just a mean-spirited thing for her to say, essentially letting me know that I wasn't a "real" woman and I didn't belong there.

I won't be going back.

~Sara

This is awful.  I am sorry you had to endure this very unkind action. 


Hugs,

Chrissy

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:46:54 PMIt was a fun night.  I'm glad I was able to quickly replace the bad memory of that place with a new and better one.

~Sara

Good to hear, that you had a good time.

Best wishes
Sarah B

Well, I finished my first book on attachment theory.  I'm now on a second one.  This one is called "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

Where the first book took the view of "we need to heal our anxious attachment to become more secure", the second one seems to see the attachment styles as more innate.  The idea of the second book is more to understand yourself and what it is you need without feeling guilt or shame.

A couple quotes from "Attached":

QuoteAttachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.  When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward.  This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as "the dependency paradox".  The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

QuoteWe live in a culture that seems to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and especially dependency while exalting independence.  We tend to accept this attitude as truth to our own detriment.  This erroneous belief that all people should be emotionally self-sufficient is not new.

Interesting.  I think my perspective is sort of in the middle.  I think of the spectrum of attachment styles as being a wheel with three spokes:  In the center, there is secure attachment.  Each of the spokes are (a) anxious-preoccupied, (b) dismissive-avoidant, and (c) fearful-avoidant.  I believe that we each have a natural inclination to one of the three insecure styles, and that the level to which you find yourself along each path is tied to the integral of all your past experiences from childhood up to the present.

I know that my particular "spoke" is anxious-preoccupied.  For most of my life, I have lived very close to the center "secure" area, but under stress I'm finding that I trend farther and farther out toward "psycho girlfriend" zone.  I don't want to be a psycho, but I'm also not going to be ashamed of being me.  I'm never going to change the fact that I crave intimacy.  I don't want to change that.  It's who I am.

I hope that by putting in the work, I will find myself moving back toward that center "secure" area.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 09, 2024, 01:57:51 PMI would have NEVER expected it from a member of the LWCC (Liberal Women of Collin County) group.

It's a funny thing Sara, funny odd.  I have a few liberal acquaintances that pretend to wear their liberalism on their sleeves. They are 3 of the nastiest, most vengeful people I know. Vengeful towards people they have no business being concerned with at all. This woman obviously felt like she had to get at you for something. Something in her warped little mind. Sorry you were at the receiving end of her ire. 

Like others here pointed out though, I'm am puzzled that no one in the LWCC group called her out.  Perhaps at least we can hope, some may have in private. 

btw, Your new avatar is awesome.

Warm Regards,
Paulie

Going back to the lady at the liberal women's group who spoke out unkindly of Sara....

Some people are intolerant.  A lot of people put down others for being intolerant.  Yet many of those who criticize are tolerant only for the viewpoints and beliefs they have, thus they are hypocritical to some extent. 

This may apply to far more people than we first think, even ourselves to some extent, especially of evil.

However, Sara was just being herself and this lady's comment was unkind and unnecessary.

Chrissy

I think Sara wants to leave that moment behind.

Quote...what it is you need without feeling guilt or shame.

Sara, I read an article in "The Atlantic" decades ago that I found cogent. The author argued that guilt and shame are not synonyms. They're as equivalent as a Yugo and a Ferrari, both cars, for sure, and superficially similar, but deeply different. The author argued that guilt applies to a second scoop of ice cream, but shame comes from others and reaches into our cores. It's penetrative and painful and the pain lasts and lasts.

Quote...under stress I'm finding that I trend farther and farther out toward "psycho girlfriend" zone.

Under stress, lucidity becomes as slippery as an oiled newt. It's like the famous Mike Tyson quote about we all have a plan until we're punched in the face.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 20, 2024, 05:34:39 AMGoing back to the lady at the liberal women's group who spoke out unkindly of Sara....

Y'all aren't going to let this one go, are you? 😉  Truthfully, I was over it after just a couple days.  It's funny how some people can really hurt me and others, well, not so much.

To clear up some misunderstandings, though, I never told anyone in that group that I was trans.  This woman figured it out on her own, presumably because of my voice.  She was one of only a handful of people who heard me speak because she was standing next to the organizer when I introduced myself to her.  The only others were in my immediate vicinity at the table.

I believe that nobody said anything because most didn't understand the significance of the comment.  If you didn't know I was trans (and I imagine 75% of the people didn't), the statement didn't make sense.  The only person I saw that was visibly affected by the statement was the woman to my right who had likely figured out my transgender status as well.

I agree with the comments about people with extremely polarized political views.  I say this all the time, and I'll repeat it here... if there is an issue that people on each side feel very strongly about and believe the other side is either "evil" or "stupid", chances are pretty good that the issue is more complicated and nuanced than either side wants to believe.  Living in an echo chamber does NOBODY any good.

I worry sometimes that we, ourselves, have an echo chamber here.  I would recommend to all people that we spend time with those who disagree with us.  I don't generally change my mind about things when I hear other views, but I'm at least more inclined to "humanize" those differing views.

~Sara

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 20, 2024, 08:50:28 AMI think Sara wants to leave that moment behind.

Too funny!  Agreed.  Your post came in just as I was writing...

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 20, 2024, 08:50:28 AMUnder stress, lucidity becomes as slippery as an oiled newt. It's like the famous Mike Tyson quote about we all have a plan until we're punched in the face.

Definitely.  Aa someone who has always taken pride in my ability to stay even-keeled in the face of considerable stress, this recent "psycho girlfriend" episode really shook me up.  I have never been like that, and I don't want to be going forward.

~Sara

Hi Sara,

Trying to get caught up on blogs this morning and yours was my first stop and my first post was the thread on that nasty woman's comments.  It sounds like you are well on the other side of that but it reinforces my trepidation for any organized group.  They just seem to become tribal where some nasty person tries to make themselves look better by tearing someone else down.

It is my guess that she was threatened by the fact that you are a beautiful, gracious woman and she needed to validate herself by attempting to invalidate others.  Make no mistake, many other ladies in the room saw her for what she is. 

Hugs,

Brooke

QuoteI worry sometimes that we, ourselves, have an echo chamber here.  I would recommend to all people that we spend time with those who disagree with us.  I don't generally change my mind about things when I hear other views, but I'm at least more inclined to "humanize" those differing views.

Correct, Sara. I don't know if you know this, but two of the differences between conservative and liberal brains is that conservatives have larger amygdalas, which make them more prone to fear and disgust, and liberals have larger cingulate anterior cortices, which enable the simultaneous consideration of opposing ideas.* I read you as having a BIG cingulate anterior cortex based upon  your quote above.

*This isn't always a good thing. It can mentally paralyze a person, for they keep looking over to the opposing option and considering its validity. It doesn't make one decisive and certain.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 20, 2024, 10:34:55 AM*This isn't always a good thing. It can mentally paralyze a person, for they keep looking over to the opposing option and considering its validity. It doesn't make one decisive and certain.

Yes, this is definitely a danger, and it is one of the main drawbacks to being an enneagram type 9. 

Luckily for me, I don't generally have much trouble making decisions.  I attribute this to my engineering brain.  I'll try to gather information only to the level that the decision is deemed important.  If I can't tell which way to go after gathering "enough" info, I just pick a direction and avoid looking back.

I'm pretty good at channeling my inner Yogi Berra — "When you come to the fork in the road, take it!"

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 20, 2024, 11:22:21 AMIf I can't tell which way to go after gathering "enough" info, I just pick a direction and avoid looking back.

I'm pretty good at channeling my inner Yogi Berra — "When you come to the fork in the road, take it!"

Quoting Yogi makes you his Boo-Boo, and we all hope that when we're forced to guess, it won't be a boo-boo. I think a lot of our decisions are like weather forecasting. You can feed a computer a billion bits of data to forecast what the weather will be tomorrow and it can still get it wrong. We too can fill ourselves with all that appears germane and give it our best guess and still err. I recently worked with RTX and when I did, I thought of you.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 20, 2024, 10:34:55 AMbut two of the differences between conservative and liberal brains is that conservatives have larger amygdalas, which make them more prone to fear and disgust, and liberals have larger cingulate anterior cortices, which enable the simultaneous consideration of opposing ideas

Very interesting O&C. I have never seen articles on this. I would like to know more about this. Do you have any articals you could point me to?

Thanks
Ellen

Perhaps unexpectedly, Fox News summarized the research nicely in an article titled, "Is your Brain Liberal or Conservative?"

I simply try to be a good thinker, listener, and kind.  Labels are not necessary for me to try to achieve or try to live up to.

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on January 20, 2024, 01:54:04 PMI simply try to be a good thinker, listener, and kind.  Labels are not necessary for me to try to achieve or try to live up to.

Chrissy

Success! You are a good thinker, listener, and kind.

At the risk of kicking up some dust that could make some choke, I'll offer this (off the top of my head, so I hope I make sense):

The idea of a "liberal" or "conservative" thinker is very muddied by the realities of people's choices and opinions, which themselves are muddied by "nurture"; the ecosystems they grew up and/or exist in can create conflicts. Conversely, someone may have been nurtured into a certain way of thinking, but have a nature beneath all of that, which betrays them. I feel that could be the case with the person who did the very cruel thing to Sara.

I was discussing my gender stuff with sister #1 this afternoon and our thoughts shifted to the other sister (#2), who has been exposed to a ton of information that has informed her thoughts and feelings about current events in ways that are 180 degrees the opposite of those her 3 siblings share. While this is pretty upsetting to the three of us, I had to remind sister #1 that sister #2's lifelong learning disability combined with 20 years in a particular ideological ecosystem to firmly shape her perspectives. Given her mental capacity, it would take many many months of intensive deprogramming to (possibly) bring her around to what we see as the truth.

The conversation shifted to an issue sister #1 is having with a construction project on her home and the fact that the builder is quoting a ridiculous price while employing workers who are likely undocumented. I'm not going to expand on this, but it eventually led to the fact that many of our very Christian friends and family are not understanding the U.S. immigration crisis the way we do, and certainly aren't responding to it in the way that Jesus would. How could this be? It doesn't make sense.

But the fact is that a so-called "Christian" (conservative) doesn't necessarily do Christlike things and a "liberal" doesn't necessarily see all sides of a situation and weigh them properly.

I hate to pull the "both sides" card, but basically, we all need to try to be open to evolution and progress in our thinking. Unfortunately, this gets more difficult as we age.

Quote from: TXSara on January 20, 2024, 08:54:54 AMY'all aren't going to let this one go, are you? 😉  Truthfully, I was over it after just a couple days.  It's funny how some people can really hurt me and others, well, not so much.

To clear up some misunderstandings, though, I never told anyone in that group that I was trans.  This woman figured it out on her own, presumably because of my voice.  She was one of only a handful of people who heard me speak because she was standing next to the organizer when I introduced myself to her.  The only others were in my immediate vicinity at the table.

I believe that nobody said anything because most didn't understand the significance of the comment.  If you didn't know I was trans (and I imagine 75% of the people didn't), the statement didn't make sense.  The only person I saw that was visibly affected by the statement was the woman to my right who had likely figured out my transgender status as well.

I agree with the comments about people with extremely polarized political views.  I say this all the time, and I'll repeat it here... if there is an issue that people on each side feel very strongly about and believe the other side is either "evil" or "stupid", chances are pretty good that the issue is more complicated and nuanced than either side wants to believe.  Living in an echo chamber does NOBODY any good.

I worry sometimes that we, ourselves, have an echo chamber here.  I would recommend to all people that we spend time with those who disagree with us.  I don't generally change my mind about things when I hear other views, but I'm at least more inclined to "humanize" those differing views.

~Sara

It's hard not to let this go, but I will, but I will not forget it. This incident not only hurt you deeply, it also hurt me as if I was being punched in the face. Even other members  of Susan's, I believe felt the pain.  I can feel the ramifications of the incident and hopefully it will give everyone a chance to pause and think about it.

I'm happy that you are analyzing the situation and I hope you use that to move forward in your life. Please don't stop your 'journey'.  People like her are not worth the time and energy, to waste upon.

Your patience and composure in that situation was exemplary.

I hope you have a wonderful day and I will go and get myself another cup of coffee and enjoy the morning sunrise in Australia.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B
PS It's greener on the other side of the world :D

A pretty good Sunday --

A big group of us did a brunch for my friend Lu's 43rd birthday this morning.  It was a lot of fun laughing and catching up with some folks I haven't talked to in a while, but I ate WAAY too much.  Of course, Lizzie orders her "mimosas" without any orange juice... too funny.  You can dress her up folks, but you can't take her out LOL.

Everyone was interested in how I'm holding up with less than a month now to the big surgery.  I think a few of them were surprised that I'm not thinking on it that much.  I had a meltdown a couple months ago, but I haven't really had any concerns since.  We'll see how things go as we get closer.  When I had my FFS, I don't think the reality of having my face ripped off fully set in until the day before.  I sometimes wonder if I'm really brave or really crazy.  ;)

-----------

In other news, I'm really pumped up because Sleater-Kinney just dropped a new album.  It's pretty good -- y'all should check them out if you're into the riot grrrl (feminist punk) bands from the 90's.  I'm a big fan.

At the same time, I'm really bummed because they'll be in town on March 5th.  There's no way in the world that I'll be able to make it to the concert given that it is only 14 days after my surgery.  Why couldn't they have scheduled it a month later?  I haven't seen them in over 20 years, and they don't tour very often.  You never know when bands like this are going to hang it up.  Crud.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 21, 2024, 02:33:33 PMEveryone was interested in how I'm holding up with less than a month now to the big surgery.  I think a few of them were surprised that I'm not thinking on it that much.  I had a meltdown a couple months ago, but I haven't really had any concerns since.  We'll see how things go as we get closer.  When I had my FFS, I don't think the reality of having my face ripped off fully set in until the day before.  I sometimes wonder if I'm really brave or really crazy.  ;)

Hey Sara-- let me say it first. Good luck getting to surgery and good luck with it. You've got a crowd of people here that'd all argue for the right to say "I am your biggest fan". Myself included.

Funny thing hit me while reading the quoted paragraph. How many times to do I want to project what I think a friend should be thinking onto them, instead of slowing down to listen what they are actually thinking? Something for me to work on.

Personally.. I am voting brave with a little crazy, btw.


~Jenn

Quote from: Jenn104 on January 21, 2024, 03:06:36 PMYou've got a crowd of people here that'd all argue for the right to say "I am your biggest fan". Myself included.

Thanks, Jenn.  You're very sweet to say that!

Quote from: Jenn104 on January 21, 2024, 03:06:36 PMPersonally.. I am voting brave with a little crazy, btw.

That's about how I see it, too... a cup of bravery with a pinch of crazy for extra seasoning! 😉

~Sara

How far away is surgery? Please. I need to order in the popcorn.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

You have been waiting your whole life for this. I can only imagine the excitement building as the date grows closer.  Looking forward to seeing you again then.
Hugs Gina

Best thing I ever did dear, you will find it wonderful. Best wishes and may it all go smoothly

Quote from: Sarah B on January 22, 2024, 01:41:46 AMHow far away is surgery? Please. I need to order in the popcorn.

In exactly four weeks, I'll be on a plane to Newark, NJ.  My surgery is the next day, Tuesday February 20th.

The hospital is in NJ, but I'll be recovering in New Hope PA, where Dr. McGinn's office is.  I come back to TX on March 1st.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 22, 2024, 08:23:38 AMIn exactly four weeks, I'll be on a plane to Newark, NJ.  My surgery is the next day, Tuesday February 20th.

The hospital is in NJ, but I'll be recovering in New Hope PA, where Dr. McGinn's office is.  I come back to TX on March 1st.

~Sara

From everything I have read, Dr. McGinn is one of the best. I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. Don't dwell on the individual steps the surgeon will be performing, just think of it as an advanced version of origami.

Love Always -- Jessica Rose

I'm so happy for you. I'm at least two years away from GCS, since I don't want to start bottom electrolysis until my facial electrolysis is finished.

You're nearing the finish line.

Laura

OK, so going back to the original plan for this blog...

I have learned quite a bit from books over the past couple weeks (I'm now on book #3 — "Insecure In Love" by Leslie Becker-Phelps).  I'm working through different exercises, and I'm trying to really understand how I went from extremely secure to extremely anxious.

I believe that the key is in examining how my marriage ended. 

When my ex-wife and I met, she had some attachment issues.  She had been choosing "bad" partners who were emotionally unavailable, and she had really bad abandonment issues that she saw a therapist for.  I was very secure and became a "safe base" for her.  Throughout the years of our marriage, I was her rock.  I was happy in that role as well.

When I came to the realization that I was transgender, I told her immediately.  We both wanted to work through it, but I was no longer a stabilizing force in the relationship.  During the time that I was her security blanket, she was fine.  Once she lost that, things changed.  She began pushing me away.

Because I cared deeply for her and for the marriage, I began trying harder.  This would only push her farther away.  I took it personally.  It began to affect my self-esteem.  If the person who has looked up to and depended on me for the past 18 years can't love me, then who will?  I think this is where my "nobody will ever want me" self-loathing started.

Once I had that in my head, confirmation bias would help me find and ruminate on every bit of evidence that supported it.  Believe me, that evidence isn't hard to find.

The downward trajectory of my self esteem coupled with the fact that my dating pool is now the size of a shotglass became the perfect storm for me to become anxiously attached.

Note:  I didn't realize this at the time, but my ex-wife has a "fearful-avoidant" attachment style.  My transition triggered her to feel like she was about to be abandoned, and she acted out by withdrawing and pulling away.  I need to reframe all of the events that led up to the divorce with this knowledge in hand.  I think it will help me to realize that I'm not "unlovable".  I may end up replacing my lack of self esteem with extreme guilt, but at least it will be a more accurate representation of how things really are.

~Sara

Sara - I don't know if any of the following will help. But I had a visceral reaction to what you just wrote on a number of levels, it seemed like clicking "like" wasn't a very honest action. So apologies in advance if this doesn't resonate in return.

The loss of self-esteem when the one or ones who have fueled that very part of your identity are no longer in your life — well it isn't something I've seen or dealt with from the romantic-side, but very much from the professional. I've seen it happen to coaches especially, very successful coaches whose careers ended prematurely (they ALL think their careers end prematurely)... and when your job involves going to work where people are literally cheering for you (or booing at you, which, trust me, is a form a cheering, self-esteem-wise) it is hard to take. They ask what good are they?

I felt/feel it too, when I had to stop working because of my medical issues. It's hard to describe to someone what it's like to walk into a big arena and tens of thousands of people have paid to be there to see something you're part of. To be walking around down in the center of it... and sometimes with friends and family in the stands. It's quite a thing, and it fuels you. And when it's gone, you start saying ... well, without this, what is my value?

There aren't easy answers to it. As you said, you look for evidence to reinforce this. Once you're out of the loop, people aren't returning phone calls like they once did. I definitely let unreturned messages bother me much more than I ever did before. But I try to work on all that.

But you also try to close your circle. Replacing the source of self-esteem with another is just a band-aid. People try to do it, but it's not enough. But it's also ok to look at what REMAINS and realize it's enough. Look at that people in your life who valued you before and after, and appreciate them more. Yes, there's some guilt that maybe you should have appreciated them more earlier... but changing the past is not worth anyone's time or effort.

I am not going to tell you that you have lots of people here who think you're the bees knees (present company included), because as mentioned, that's a band-aid. But I know there are friends and family in your life who think you're pretty great... and they're the ones who you can lean on if you need a bit of a self-esteem boost. But as you're doing, the rest comes from self-explorations and deciding that you rely on yourself.

I know you know all this. I almost deleted the last paragraph because it's SOO on the nose... but eh, it's already typed and I feel a bit lazy this afternoon.

Wish I could offer any pearls of wisdom on the guilt stuff. If you happen to figure that one out, please share. I'm still working on that myself. Miles to go before I sleep.

Love,
Allie

Consider this.  Learned in psychology classes is past years.  I don't recall who said it.
"We are the sum of the 7 people we spend the most time with." Also, The happiest sound to ALL persons is the sound of their own name." Not said in anger of course.

I've found it rings true.  If you don't like who you are, find those that have the admirable skill you want to use as part of your personality and can support you!  Not saying its a cure all, yet it is a contributing factor to who you are.

Quote from: imallie on January 22, 2024, 02:52:07 PMI am not going to tell you that you have lots of people here who think you're the bees knees (present company included), because as mentioned, that's a band-aid. But I know there are friends and family in your life who think you're pretty great... and they're the ones who you can lean on if you need a bit of a self-esteem boost. But as you're doing, the rest comes from self-explorations and deciding that you rely on yourself.

Thank you Allie, and I definitely feel an incredible amount of love and support from all of my friends, family, and coworkers.

If I think about it clearly, the issue isn't an "overall" lack of self-esteem.  I still feel very good about myself in most dimensions.  My self-worth comes from many different places, and I still consider myself a good parent, daughter, friend, coworker, etc.  I also take a lot of pride in being a highly respected member of the technical community in the very small niche area that I work.  If anything, in those areas I'm a bit full of myself LOL.

I think that I never fully comprehended how much of my self worth as a romantic partner was tied up in the success of my marriage.  While I have always thought highly of myself in most areas, I have NEVER been very confident with women (see previous post about my struggles with dating as a younger person).  I think that knowing that I not only won her over but made her life a lot better in the process really made me feel as though I was a "good" partner.  My transition changed that, and it really affected me.

Quote from: imallie on January 22, 2024, 02:52:07 PMWish I could offer any pearls of wisdom on the guilt stuff. If you happen to figure that one out, please share. I'm still working on that myself. Miles to go before I sleep.

No pearls here, my friend.  I wish I had a few...

~Sara

Totally understand, Sara.

I guess I was trying (unsuccessfully) to equate loss of professional self-esteem with romantic. It's still "single-issue", but it does bleed into other parts of your life, whether you notice it or not. Because it chips away at your confidence around the edges a bit.

But it's good that you have so much support in so many other areas, AND are aware of it. That will get you through.

Love,
Allie

Quote from: imallie on January 22, 2024, 04:20:44 PMTotally understand, Sara.

I guess I was trying (unsuccessfully) to equate loss of professional self-esteem with romantic. It's still "single-issue", but it does bleed into other parts of your life, whether you notice it or not. Because it chips away at your confidence around the edges a bit.

No, I think you did it quite successfully!  I just wanted to make myself clear about this being an issue ONLY in the romantic relationship area.  The fact that I have a lot of great friends, a great job, etc. doesn't take the sting out of feeling like a failure in a very important part of my life.

It is very similar to your career.  You have a wonderfully loving wife and son, but they can't ever "fix" what you lost when you had to retire for medical reasons because they only move the needle in the areas where your cup is already overflowing.

I am someone who really values my interpersonal relationships, and there is no relationship more important than your primary one (mother to child, spousal, etc.)  When that relationship fails, it's really hard -- especially for someone like me.

~Sara

Nothing much to report over the past couple days.  I'm just doing a lot of introspection and writing (for myself, not you guys!)

My new therapist has me writing about all of my primary relationships going back to when I was a child.  She wants me to think about what kind of attachment they demonstrated and that I had with them, etc.

I started to go into details here, but it's a bit too personal and brings other people into it that really can't defend themselves.  I'll just keep most of it to myself. 

I can say, though, that I believe my mom's very quick temper contributed to my anxiety issues.  She could go from calm to irate in less than a second, so my sister and I walked on eggshells a lot.  While I was usually pretty good at keeping the peace, I wasn't completely immune.  I could definitely get her worked up at times.  You didn't want to be caught being "lazy".  That was definitely a bad word in my house.

I hate saying anything negative about Mom -- She raised two kids as a single mother.  She worked as a high school teacher, got her master's degree in between work and taking care of us, and also worked summer jobs for extra money.  She was under a great deal of stress, and she did a mighty fine job of raising a couple fantastic daughters  ;D .  Still, if I'm completely honest, her hair trigger probably didn't do me a whole lot of good emotionally and may have led me to "people please" in my relationships.

~Sara

How far off would I be, Sara, if I said that you were the one would diffuse any situation in the household by putting yourself in the middle of it... trying to calm your mom, coach your sister, do or say whatever you needed to make any conflict go away.

And you made excuses for your mom to your sister, and for your sister to your mom.

'Cause if THAT rings true, not only are we simpatico... I am starting to think we need to get a 23 & me test.

I don't know how you can do that (pull anything out of your memory of various relationships to analyze their style.  It makes me wonder whether I am emotionally unaware, or I have intentionally put it out of my mind. 
Mess this a case of reading about it examples of styles and matching them up where they fit, or a freelance mother was this way and father was that?

Quote from: imallie on January 24, 2024, 08:43:21 PMHow far off would I be, Sara, if I said that you were the one would diffuse any situation in the household by putting yourself in the middle of it... trying to calm your mom, coach your sister, do or say whatever you needed to make any conflict go away.

And you made excuses for your mom to your sister, and for your sister to your mom.

Get out of my head, Allie!  Yes, that was / is my role in the family.

Quote from: imallie on January 24, 2024, 08:43:21 PM'Cause if THAT rings true, not only are we simpatico... I am starting to think we need to get a 23 & me test.

Agreed.  It's downright scary sometimes!

~Sara

Yes, ma'am. It's your blog, so I won't bogart it... but needless to say... we both lean towards mediation as a form of self-preservation. It's perceived, at times, as a wholly selfless act, but we know better.

Quote from: imallie on January 25, 2024, 10:16:55 AMYes, ma'am. It's your blog, so I won't bogart it... but needless to say... we both lean towards mediation as a form of self-preservation. It's perceived, at times, as a wholly selfless act, but we know better.

Yes, exactly.  I'm actually trying to be better at NOT avoiding conflict.  It's important to have some healthy level of conflict lest we completely lose ourselves and our own desires.

There's definitely a happy medium, and it may take me the rest of my life to find it LOL.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 25, 2024, 10:58:20 AMYes, exactly.  I'm actually trying to be better at NOT avoiding conflict.  It's important to have some healthy level of conflict lest we completely lose ourselves and our own desires.

There's definitely a happy medium, and it may take me the rest of my life to find it LOL.

~Sara

Gee, where have I heard those words before? Oh yes, the mirror... LOL

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 24, 2024, 09:43:04 PMI don't know how you can do that (pull anything out of your memory of various relationships to analyze their style.  It makes me wonder whether I am emotionally unaware, or I have intentionally put it out of my mind. 

Truthfully, I think that having read the three books on attachment theory helps because I was already thinking through this stuff as I was reading.  I'm sure that if you spent as many hours as I have on this lately, it would come a little easier.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 24, 2024, 09:43:04 PMMess this a case of reading about it examples of styles and matching them up where they fit, or a freelance mother was this way and father was that?

For me, a little of both.  I now know what types of behaviors from parents may cause different attachment-related issues, so I'm more sensitive to seeing those now.  That being said, every relationship is different, and there's no "match" exactly.

~Sara

This one stings pretty bad...

I came home today and my ex-wife was visibly upset.  She had just gotten off the phone with her older brother, and they must have had a really bad argument.  She said that she was through talking with him and that neither of them wanted to have a relationship going forward.  I gave her a hug and held space for her to just talk it out.  She really appreciated that, and it was nice.

When she was through talking about her brother, she looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

Ouch. That's going to leave a mark.  I'm not sure this is going to help me much with my relationship insecurities.  I know she meant well, but dang.  I don't think I needed to hear that.

~Sara

Sara, it's simply that she SEES your womanhood and she's straight. She likely shared what she did because the two of you had just connected woman-to-woman, so she more than sees your womanhood; she felt it.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 28, 2024, 08:01:03 PMSara, it's simply that she SEES your womanhood and she's straight. She likely shared what she did because the two of you had just connected woman-to-woman, so she more than sees your womanhood; she felt it.

Sara,   What O&C said.  Ditto times eleventy.  Yeah, there's that initial sticker shock that she is now questioning your validity when you presented as a man but she is also simultaneously seeing you as another woman.  In a way it's like someone giving you a million dollars in dimes.

Ladies

I have mentioned my therapy sessions were the absolute minimum and I had a happy childhood.  However, I cannot comprehend the agony, misfortune and suffering that you ladies have had to endure, during your lifetime.

Your knowledge of psychology as mentioned in relation to these posts which are poignant memories of your past, is enlightening.

I hope I can learn just a smidgen of what you know in this area.  Then I will be content.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 06:47:50 PMThis one stings pretty bad...

I came home today and my ex-wife was visibly upset.  She had just gotten off the phone with her older brother, and they must have had a really bad argument.  She said that she was through talking with him and that neither of them wanted to have a relationship going forward.  I gave her a hug and held space for her to just talk it out.  She really appreciated that, and it was nice.

When she was through talking about her brother, she looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

Ouch. That's going to leave a mark.  I'm not sure this is going to help me much with my relationship insecurities.  I know she meant well, but dang.  I don't think I needed to hear that.

~Sara

Yeah, Sara... if you felt that sting then it stings. No one can dispute that.

But, boy, it almost seems like your wife was really TRYING to say something really nice... and it just didn't come out maybe the way she would have liked, because she was upset.

And also, sometimes people -- with the luxury of hindsight -- rewrite the past a bit,  which maybe she is doing in her mind to make sense of things.

But I'm real sorry that happened between her and her brother, and that you took shrapnel from it.

Love,
Allie

Sara's X

Quoteshe looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

I am sorry you were hurt by what she said.  I think you need to reassure her that she didn't ruin your life.  That you will always love her and you loved sharing your life with her.  The children you created and raised together are precious to you. 

Yes, you are and were transgender.  And, you did reach a point where you couldn't continue to live as her husband.  But, the time you shared made you the person you are.  And, your life is far from ruined. 

I would take that as a positive dear. A compliment if you like, my ex said why did you marry me if you knew you were trans? Well it didnt come to the surface till later and as you say we had wonderful children so what is wrong about that.

Plus, I mean, aren't we all just broken cookies? Hoping someone will still reach down and grab us out of the bottom of the bag?

I think everyone feels that way — trans, or otherwise. Everyone brings insecurities into a relationship. I don't think trans folk have a patent on that. Nor is that, among, all other things, a reason to avoid a chance at happiness.

The wonderful family Sara built is exhibit A in that argument.

QuotePlus, I mean, aren't we all just broken cookies? Hoping someone will still reach down and grab us out of the bottom of the bag?

Fine writing. Poignant and true.

Hi Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 06:47:50 PMWhen she was through talking about her brother, she looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

Ouch. That's going to leave a mark.  I'm not sure this is going to help me much with my relationship insecurities.  I know she meant well, but dang.  I don't think I needed to hear that.

~Sara

I'm sorry also that you heard that. However REM said

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 29, 2024, 12:25:46 AMI am sorry you were hurt by what she said.  I think you need to reassure her that she didn't ruin your life.  That you will always love her and you loved sharing your life with her.  The children you created and raised together are precious to you.

This above, sums it up

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

Here.  Let me analyze this one a bit because I think y'all are a little off the mark about what I'm bothered by.

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 06:47:50 PM"You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."

This one doesn't bother me one bit.  It is just the typical over-dramatizing that people do when they are upset.

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 06:47:50 PM"I shouldn't have ever married you."

Same here.  Total drama.

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 06:47:50 PM"In the end it was that you were really a woman."

This one doesn't move the needle, either.

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 06:47:50 PM"When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing."

Here's the part that hurts.  I know she's telling the truth because I remember that she looked like a deer in the headlights that night.  She knew it was coming, yet she still sat there for a good 5-10 seconds before coming back to the world.  She was definitely conflicted.  She didn't feel that "electricity" that people want and expect when they are really in love.

I can only hope that my inability to get anyone's "motor running" was tied to the fact that I was in the wrong body and I never felt comfortable in it.  When I look in the mirror now, I see a body that, for once, I really like.  Of course, there's one small thing that needs to be fixed in a few weeks, but we'll look past that LOL. 

I still don't "lead" with sexual tension, though.  It doesn't feel right to me.  Lizzie and I like to joke around about how bad we would be at sexting.  "Uhh, do you like sexting?  Do you want to?  OK.  We are sexting now..."  ;D   Talk about weird and awkward.  I don't know how people do it. 

Maybe I just need to get laid so I can stop overthinking it all.  ;)

~Sara

I wasn't 100% sure what hurt, but I could see that might be it.  I certainly can relate to that.  I was totally in love with my wife, but for her part I think she knew something was different about me. 

Her first husband had a lot of bad masculine traits that were somewhat opposite of me.  He was unfaithful, I was strongly faithful.  He was a controlling person.  I wanted nothing but to be an equal partner.  He gambled (poorly).  I am risk averse and don't like to gamble.  He never helped around the house.  I always have. 

I am not saying that any of that related to my gender.  It's just the way I am.  But, I was the polar opposite of him in many ways important to her.  She felt safe with me in a way that she always felt suspicious of him. 

She felt safe with me.  Was she madly in love with me?  I don't think she ever was.  But, she did and does love me.  And, she knew her kids liked me a lot.  And, I make a lot more money than her ex. 

Did she marry me for my money?  No.  But, I'm sure it didn't hurt.  She married me because I was everything he wasn't,
And not the things he was that hurt her.  I think I was more the polar opposite of him than she realized.

I have never been high on sexual attractiveness to anyone.  I have tremendous difficulty being the instigator of sex.  I am not sure I have ever done that effectively, even once.

Hi Sara and Rem

I'm humbled by your stories, thank you.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

So, I saw Dr. Torres (my new therapist) yesterday.

We talked about a lot of things, and I'm finding that it's going to take a while to unravel all of the little strings that have come together to get me all knotted up.

We focused a little on the core wound associated with my lack of sexual chemistry in dating.  As I talked through my childhood years, both she and I came to the same conclusion.  Many of my behaviors toward women came from an attempt to distance myself from the "womanizing" behaviors of my dad, uncle, and grandfathers.  The men in my family were cheaters, and I didn't want to grow up to be like that.  In an attempt to break the cycle, I swung the pendulum completely to the other side.  It didn't help that my mom grew up in a very religious household and acted as though "sex" was a dirty word.

Here's something I have noticed -- The more I liked someone as a younger person, the less likely I was to "make a move".  It's almost like I connected flirting and seeing someone sexually as being disrespectful to them.  While it has gotten better since my teenage years, I still have a long way to go. 

I logically know that I overcorrected for my dad's bad behavior.  I also know that showing sexual interest early on is NOT disrespectful -- in fact, it is desirable if done right.  I just need to retrain my brain to be more open to being a bit more seductive.  I have a "hot date" for Saturday night, so maybe I'll work on that! (Yes, I'm burying the lede a little bit...) ;D

The other major topic was a question of why I have a "thing" for more difficult women, specifically those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style (I would consider both my ex-wife and recent ex-GF as being FA).  She wants me to really think and journal on the question of "What do I get out of this?" 

I think it all comes from a strong need to feel "needed" and knowing that what I naturally give is exactly what they desire most.  What a fearful avoidant really needs is to find someone they can truly rely on.  Someone who can be steadfast, honest, and help them to eventually let go of their fear of interdependence.  Obviously, I don't do this purposely -- it's just how that puzzle piece "fits".  The bad side of this is that, as a more anxious-preoccupied type, I set myself up for mental beating after mental beating as my fearful partner continually pushes me away and I'm left feeling rejected.  Ugh.

~Sara

Sounds like your new therapist is digging deep. It can be so hard to look deep in your soul and try to resolve issues. I'm glad you found someone who you feel comfortable with.
Hugs Gina

Sounds like some uncomfortable conversations, Sara.

That's awesome. That's where the good work happens.

So happy you seem to be with someone you like!

Love,
Allie

Well, the "First Thursday" is quickly becoming my favorite night of the month.  I attended my second "Chick Happy Hour" last night, and I may have had even more fun than last month!

This time I knew a few people, so I had a "home base" to work from.  I really have enjoyed hanging out with my new friends.  We were joking around and laughing a lot, and the wine was definitely flowing  ;D .  Like last time, I met quite a few new people.  I'm going to struggle remembering names LOL.  One of those happened to be another transgender woman who just had her bottom surgery a little over 2 weeks ago.

WHAT?!?!

Yes, I said that right.  She was just a little over 2 weeks post surgery and was walking around, visiting, and drinking wine along with us.  Crazy.  Sure, her surgery was minimum-depth, but DANG!  I have no expectations of being able to do anything of the sort, but it DOES give me just the slightest bit of hope that I'll be able to will my way into the Sleater-Kinney concert on 3/5.  A girl can dream, right?

Here's the best part of the night...

I went to stand in line for the bathroom, and someone walked up to me asking if I was Sara.  I looked at her, and it was the woman I have a date with this Saturday!  What luck!  It was really nice getting a chance to break the ice with her prior to our date in a couple days, and I came away really impressed.  She is very attractive, and she exudes warmth in both her tone and mannerisms.  I'm looking forward to getting to know her. 

Before you guys get the popcorn out, though, know that this is probably the last time I'm going to mention this woman on the blog.  I think it's better policy for me to keep all that stuff to myself even though I may still talk a little about how my therapy sessions are helping me (or not) to avoid those feelings of insecurity that plagued my last relationship.

Anyway, another great night with great new friends!

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on February 02, 2024, 05:44:57 AMBefore you guys get the popcorn out, though, know that this is probably the last time I'm going to mention this woman on the blog.  I think it's better policy for me to keep all that stuff to myself even though I may still talk a little about how my therapy sessions are helping me (or not) to avoid those feelings of insecurity that plagued my last relationship.

Yeah, That.

I am very happy for you and where you are at. I also believe knowing what to post or not to post in your own story is a form of self-care. I hope everything works and look forward to no updates at all.

Altho -full disclosure- I do have witch museum passes put aside for you.

~Jenn
I am really happy for you Sara.

Quote from: TXSara on February 02, 2024, 05:44:57 AMAnyway, another great night with great new friends!

~Sara

Such great stuff, Sara!

What follows is not an original thought of mine. But I read it the other day, and reading your post it really brought it home. And of course I know how much you've struggled, and how life continues to be complicated, the way life is.

But you are very much trying to live your best, authentic life.

And what I read was, this very fact is why so many people spend so much time and energy on the anti-trans movement.

Partly, the theory goes, you wouldn't be so obsessed with the choices of other people like this unless you yourself had some questions about your own gender issues. This tracks too in the way the fight against gay rights, gay marriage, and all LGBTQ+ issues come to the front.

But beyond that, there are people who see others with the courage to live their best lives.. when, for a multitude of reasons - cultural, economic, socio-economic, health, etc - are unable to do so, and that galls them. If they can't be happy, why should others get to?

"Why do YOU get to be PROUD when I don't have pride in myself?"

I'm not saying it's an iron-clad theory. But since I heard it, it has given me pause. Another way to look at the other side with, maybe, a bit of empathy. Maybe "empathy" is a bit too far. But at least a possible narrative to explain the madness.

Food for thought anyway. And your happy tale just made me think of it, is all.

Love,
Allie

Very cool that you found encouragement in that woman's quick recovery from her procedure. This gives me hope that visiting with you just a couple of days after your surgery won't be too soon for you!

And meeting your upcoming date? Also super cool. Here's hoping it goes well.

Hi Sara

Why did you not tell me I was stark raving mad, to go back to work after two weeks post surgery and it was full depth.  I did walk around very gingerley and I did beat all the other girls in recovery time.

They did beat me in the other department. One year later I was not a virgin anymore. Finally.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
PS I'm still crazy!! ;D

I think minimal depth is a lot different than colon graft, but its nice to hope, right. Are you having any pre surgery jitters yet, Sarah? I know I find I'm a bit worried about down time and discomfort. And yes I want to know all your details of what to expect for when I have mine in June.
Good news that your dating life is back on track. I won't pry there. Looking forward to visiting you after the surgery latter this month. 
Hugs Gina

Quote from: Gina P on February 03, 2024, 08:12:33 AMI think minimal depth is a lot different than colon graft, but its nice to hope, right. Are you having any pre surgery jitters yet, Sarah? I know I find I'm a bit worried about down time and discomfort. And yes I want to know all your details of what to expect for when I have mine in June.

Well, I'm not having a colon graft (mine is a PIV), but I still have no expectations of going out at the two week point!

Quote from: Gina P on February 03, 2024, 08:12:33 AMLooking forward to visiting you after the surgery latter this month.

Absolutely!  I think Courtney is planning on visiting the 22nd because that's the only day she has available.  You can come then, or you can visit me in at Gaia House in New Hope after I get out of the hospital on 2/23. 

My friends won't be there on 2/22... Jess isn't coming until the 24th, and Lu is going to make a quick trip up to NYC to visit some friends from 2/21-2/23.  It's your call!

~Sara

Post surgery, I walked for the first time about five days after the operation and I didn't know whether to faint or puke. However, I went to a water park about ten days later and played all day. Yes, it was ill-advised and I hurt that night, but I did do it. Ah, youth.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 04, 2024, 12:51:19 PMPost surgery, I walked for the first time about five days after the operation and I didn't know whether to faint or puke. However, I went to a water park about ten days later and played all day. Yes, it was ill-advised and I hurt that night, but I did do it. Ah, youth.

Gotcha!  I guess it would be ill-advised to go to that concert, but...

(https://i.imgur.com/vTsFAwL.png)

 ;D  ~Sara

Sara, as always, YMMV. Some people recover much more quickly than others. I was in the hospital for nine days. I think on day five they wanted me to get out of bed. It required several tries before I was successful. It took about two weeks for me to be moderately comfortable on a stairway. In my case, I didn't feel 'normal' until nearly five weeks after my surgery. I had a breast augmentation at the same time as bottom surgery. Although getting both at once was saved some time and money, it was a challenging experience. Two really important suggestions:

1 - Stay on top of your pain meds, don't try to be tough.
2 - Do not push yourself.

Love always -- Jess

I was only in hospital for a week, they had me out of bed the next day and walking down the corridor on day4 I think, had to climb 3 flights of stairs when I got home and did that okay. Didn't need any pain meds either. Lost the facts in the melt down but I think I was driving 2 weeks after and went for a food shop. YMMV.

Ha, Sara!

Sorry, I thought you were having penial inversion with colon graft.
 I will be down on the 22, God wiling. Not sure if Courtney and I will be coming the same time. I'll have to see what my schedule will allow. That will be day 2, you should be dancing by then. Ok may be in spirit.   ;)
Hugs Gina

Quote from: "Allie"But beyond that, there are people who see others with the courage to live their best lives.. when, for a multitude of reasons - cultural, economic, socio-economic, health, etc - are unable to do so, and that galls them. If they can't be happy, why should others get to?

I know that I project too much, I tend to think other people think the way I do, when I know very well that I am quite different.  That may be happening here.  You may be 100% right. 

But, I don't think that most people who are "anti-trans" are insecure themselves.  I think they lack empathy.  They can't even imagine what we are feeling, and assume either we are entirely making it up for attention, or we are pursuing a sexual kink.  I think they generally see us a liars and pretenders. 

That said, I think the part quoted above probably correctly describes most anti-trans people.  They tend to feel that they must constrain themselves in some manner to participate in society (I mean, don't we all?) and they are jealous of someone else having the gall to be themselves.  How dare anyone expect the world to accept them on their own terms.  Well, they are NOT playing along!  You can join them in hiding the parts of you that isn't in keeping with the norm, or you can be cast out of society.

I know myself pretty well.  I can't imagine that I would be blind to many people around me being transgender and hiding it.  One or two great actors, maybe.  But, I know I give off cues all the time.  It just leaks out of me.  And, most people don't associate it with gender, because they have a normativity bias.  They dismiss it as eccentricity. 

But, I would certainly pick up on the same cues coming from someone else.  So, they'd have to be a lot better at hiding it than me. I think I'd have an easier time spotting a fellow closeted transgender person in my life than someone who transitioned before I met them.  I wouldn't be sure, but I'd be aware of the tells. 

Good post, REM.

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 07, 2024, 08:52:56 AMBut, I don't think that most people who are "anti-trans" are insecure themselves.  I think they lack empathy.  They can't even imagine what we are feeling, and assume either we are entirely making it up for attention, or we are pursuing a sexual kink.  I think they generally see us a liars and pretenders. 

That said, I think the part quoted above probably correctly describes most anti-trans people.  They tend to feel that they must constrain themselves in some manner to participate in society (I mean, don't we all?) and they are jealous of someone else having the gall to be themselves.  How dare anyone expect the world to accept them on their own terms.  Well, they are NOT playing along!  You can join them in hiding the parts of you that isn't in keeping with the norm, or you can be cast out of society.

This is about how I see it as well.  Very well said, Rachel.

~Sara

I had a really great time last night -- our very own Jessica Rose and wife Susan are in Dallas this week, so we got to meet up for dinner!  Jessica is even more sweet and kind-hearted in person than online  :) .  I feel very lucky to have met her.

We talked about a lot of things, and of course my upcoming surgery was a main topic.  It was really good hearing all of her "war stories" about how things went for her bottom surgery, dilation, etc.  I don't have a lot of people that I know locally who have had bottom surgery, so any information I can get is extremely helpful!

We forgot to take a picture, but I swear it really happened LOL!  We'll definitely have to do it again the next time we're in the same town!

~Sara

I had my therapy session with Dr. Torres yesterday, and I really think I'm making a lot of good progress.  She even remarked at one point, "You know, Sara, I really like how you think.  You make my job easy."

It's interesting that therapy has gone in a slightly different direction than I envisioned when I started.  I came into her office feeling like I was "broken" in the way I see myself and in how I manage relationships.  I wanted to "heal" myself of this constant feeling of anxiety so that I wouldn't be so preoccupied and worried about messing things up in the future.

Instead, she has tried to get me to embrace the fact that I just "trend" this way -- I value closeness in a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that.  She has also worked to remind me that just about ANYBODY would feel insecure if they had gone through what I have over the past 1.5 years.  She says that just in a little over a month, I have shown a lot of growth in my self-confidence by understanding that most of the things that went wrong in my last two relationships were a problem with the dynamic between us and not so much about ME screwing things up on my own.

We discussed what I get out of choosing "difficult" partners for most of the session, and I have already talked a little about that here previously.  I'll keep most of it to myself.  This week's homework is to really think about how I can tell if I'm putting someone on a pedestal and what I need to think about in order to avoid that going forward.  Good stuff.

~Sara

We had a happy hour yesterday with all my work friends as a "send off" for me to be gone for six weeks after my surgery.  They originally wanted to do it next Friday, but I told them that I wouldn't be drinking anything next week.  I have to make sure I'm only allowing "good" things into my body in preparation for this surgery!

Anyway, Lizzie gave me the BEST GIFT EVER before we got there.  It's a really cute purse that discretely holds up to two bottles of wine in a hidden bladder!  Awesome!  There's even a little spigot on the side (hidden as well) for you to fill up your glass!  I'll make good use of it tonight since a big group of us are going to see a band called the "Spazmatics" over at Lava Cantina.  Too fun!  Girls Night!!

~Sara

Hi Sara,

You certainly hit the lottery with your friend group, they all sound so supportive and affirming.  I hope you have an amazing GNO, it sure sounds like it will be!  I look forward to hearing more tomorrow!


Warmly,

Brooke

Quote from: TXSara on February 10, 2024, 11:23:58 AMWe had a happy hour yesterday with all my work friends as a "send off" for me to be gone for six weeks after my surgery.  They originally wanted to do it next Friday, but I told them that I wouldn't be drinking anything next week.  I have to make sure I'm only allowing "good" things into my body in preparation for this surgery!

Anyway, Lizzie gave me the BEST GIFT EVER before we got there.  It's a really cute purse that discretely holds up to two bottles of wine in a hidden bladder!  Awesome!  There's even a little spigot on the side (hidden as well) for you to fill up your glass!  I'll make good use of it tonight since a big group of us are going to see a band called the "Spazmatics" over at Lava Cantina.  Too fun!  Girls Night!!

~Sara

Awesome stuff Sara!

Enjoy your last concert where you can officially "Rock out with your..."

Next time you're all listening to music, you'll be able to "Jam out with your... "

I didn't even bother TRYING to finish those sentences. But you get the gist. :D

Love ya!
Allie

Hey Sara-

I think your big day is coming up quick. I thought I'd take a moment to wish you well. I hope every aspect goes as well as possible.

You have a huge cheering section here on 'susans'; I count myself as one of many.

~Jenn

Time to send in the ra ra girls and the marching band, best of wishes

Hi Sara

I totally support you from down under. Four days to go, yay

Best wishes, love and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Sarah B on February 16, 2024, 08:33:37 AMHi Sara

I totally support you from down under. Four days to go, yay

Best wishes, love and hugs
Sarah B

Well, that's about the most appropriate post I've ever seen... since Sara's surgery is all about her 'down under'.

Love always -- Jess

Hi Jessica

I thought I was supporting Sara (holding her up) from Australia, you absolutely cracked me up, laughing my proverbial backside off.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 16, 2024, 09:09:11 AMWell, that's about the most appropriate post I've ever seen... since Sara's surgery is all about her 'down under'.

Love always -- Jess

The pun the double entendre is outstanding. Absolute classic.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

Hey, Sara. I'm thinking a good thought for you.

Sara,

Sending my positive thoughts and vibes your way

Ellen

I hope your surgery goes flawlessly, and you enjoy results so aesthetically and sensuously pleasing that you are in awe.  Here's to a speedy recovery.

Hi everyone!

Sorry I have been out of pocket over the past week!  There's so much to catch up on!  Here goes...

Last Saturday was an absolute blast.  The band was really entertaining, and we had absolutely no problem going through the two bottles of wine I had hidden in my brand new "wine purse".  Some of the folks near us got a kick out of watching me do the surreptitious pours out of the hidden spigot!  It was a great night!

-------------------------------

A couple things happened last weekend that made me feel like I'm on the right track with my therapy.

First, I tried to reestablish contact with my ex GF.  The reason wasn't to try to rekindle anything -- it was more to see if she wanted the Foo Fighters tickets that I had bought us back in December.  That is her favorite band, and those tickets would mean a lot more to her than to me (even though I could get some good $$ by scalping).  When I tried to reach out and be nice (without mentioning the tickets), I was reminded why we were so fundamentally incompatible.  She triggers the *$!&*@ out of me, and I'm sure I do the same to her.  Wow.  Yeah, I think I'm going to keep the tickets.  The good news about this is how unaffected I was by it all.  I'm totally over it, and I truly believe I may have dodged a bullet.  Note that I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with this person -- just that she is ABSOLUTELY not right for me.

Let's compare and contrast this to my latest friend, shall we?

As of last weekend, she and I had gone out a couple times.  It has been very chill, and we're really enjoying the conversation / company.  Our first dinner lasted 3 hours, and the second lasted four (we don't struggle for things to talk about LOL).  Anyway, I texted her that Friday with something that would normally expect a response.  I didn't hear anything back.  I texted again on Sunday with yet another message that would prompt a response.  Nothing.  Uh Oh.

Of course, being left on "read" is a HUGE trigger for me, and I began circling the drain.  I started thinking back to our date the previous Thursday, and I came to the conclusion that something I said about my transition toward the end of the night must have turned the abstract concept of dating a transgender woman into something more tangible and REAL.  She must have spooked or gotten the "ick".  I'm hyper-sensitive to this because it has happened WAY too many times over the past year.  Anyway, I gave it another day before I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm proud of how I handled it.  In the past, I may have engaged in "protest behavior" by expressing my dissatisfaction while trying to save things.  I would have then continued to circle the drain waiting to see if there was going to be a positive outcome.  Not this time.  I politely let her know that I was moving on and that I'd see her around -- no hard feelings.  I deleted the text thread and went about my business.  "Peace Out".

The next day, I received a message from her apologizing profusely about not being able to respond immediately, getting really busy with her son over the weekend, then forgetting to message back.  We discussed my anxious-preoccupied attachment issues and how those tend to play out.  She was very supportive and let me know that she'll be better about this in the future.  We met up for "lunch of no return" yesterday and sat there talking for over 5 hours, breaking our previous record of four.  We're going the friendship-->companionship route first, and I'm liking the fact that there's a lot less pressure.  Maybe it blooms into something more and maybe not.  She's definitely worth my friendship, though.

~Sara

BTW, my "last supper" before going on liquid diet is tonight, so my girlfriends and I are going out to one of our favorite restaurants.  It'll be fun.  I don't deserve these wonderful women!

Hi Sara

I have you on my mind and I'm counting down the days as well, I know we are out of sync but hay at least I will be thinking of you around that time.

Good luck with the surgery.  Just this evening I was thinking of my surgery and I was sad and happy at the same time, that I had my surgery.

Hugs and Love
Sarah B
@TXSara

Oh wow! I just had the time this morning to read through this thread and it was amazing. Really. You are super resilient, determined, and persistent. I'm impressed. The time in leading up to my GCS had me so on edge that I could barely tolerate interacting with others. You? You're going out and meeting people and actually doing things! That alone is impressive. But the whole dating thing also? Dang, I'll state it again, impressive.

My wife and I discuss how things would be if we had to date. I just brought it up the other day. I mentioned that I would have no idea how to even go about trying to date someone. Seriously, I wouldn't even know step one. I consider how I would go about meeting someone and every single thought I come up with has me behaving super awkwardly.

Point being, bravo to you! I am sure that you will undoubtedly find whoever is right for you.

I also wish you my absolute best in your upcoming journey. It is going to go wonderfully and you are going to be so happy!

Quote from: TXSara on February 17, 2024, 10:46:25 AMBTW, my "last supper" before going on liquid diet is tonight, so my girlfriends and I are going out to one of our favorite restaurants.  It'll be fun.  I don't deserve these wonderful women!

I hate to be so argumentive...

but...

You totally and completely deserve wonderful friends around you. 100 percent.

Enjoy tonight and good luck over the next few weeks. You got this.

~Jenn

Quote from: Nadine Spirit on February 17, 2024, 11:22:38 AMOh wow! I just had the time this morning to read through this thread and it was amazing. Really. You are super resilient, determined, and persistent. I'm impressed. The time in leading up to my GCS had me so on edge that I could barely tolerate interacting with others. You? You're going out and meeting people and actually doing things! That alone is impressive. But the whole dating thing also? Dang, I'll state it again, impressive.

Thanks, Kelly!  I really appreciate it.

I think the leadup to my GCS is similar to the leadup to starting HRT.  I remember talking with my therapist at the time about my complete lack of concern.  Interestingly, I was concerned about the fact that I wasn't concerned.  I asked her, "Am I that well-adjusted, or am I just not thinking this all the way through?"  She responded, "Let's go with well-adjusted... for now." 

That's about how I feel today.  I'm well-adjusted... for now.  I'm excited and nervous, and I'm trying not to think on it very much.  It definitely helps that I have a TON of stuff to do over the next couple days before I leave.  That keeps my mind from going to places it doesn't need to be...

Ask me again on Monday when I'm hangry from not having any real food for two days, and I may not feel the same!!  ;D

~Sara

That seems a long time to not eat, my doc just said 24hrs.Mind you the enema made up for it!!! Like all things I took it in my stride ,sounds like your doing the same. Best wishes dear XXX

So, surgery prep has begun in earnest this morning.

I'm not able to eat anything solid today, but at least I can eat things that have some substance.  I already downed a protein drink, and I'm eating a huge bowl of Malt-o-Meal right now.  I'm definitely going to load up on anything I can over the course of the day so that I can push through tomorrow and Tuesday morning.  What a beating THAT is going to be!

At dinner last night, my friends gave me a gift.  In true "Lizzie" style, the gift was... well... um... a large silicone toy in the shape of a phallus that is typically referred to with a 5-letter word starting with "d" and ending with "o"  ;D .  She tells the table, "This one is called The King!  This company is also black-owned, BTW..." while giving everyone a knowing look and nod.  Too frickin' funny!  I said, "Yeah, it may be a while before I can put this to use, girls!  You may be giving Dr. McGinn a bit TOO much credit!"  We had a great time. 

At one point, the waitress came by and asked if this was a birthday celebration.  Lu responds with, "Well, sort of... I guess it's more like a rebirth celebration!"  It was good enough -- we got the free dessert LOL. I'm sure we were a bit loud for the rest of the customers with all the whooping, hollering, and laughter.  You can dress us up, but you can't take us out!

~Sara

Good luck Sara! The near future will hold many challenges, but years from now all you will remember is 'oh yeah, this is the anniversary of getting that little birth defect corrected. I wish I hadn't waited so long.' Good luck to you, and the surgical team!

By the way, my bottom surgery was on 21 Feb 2019.

Love always -- Jess

You should probably plan to celebrate the day every year.

The countdown is REALLY getting close now.  I received a call from the hospital letting me know when to be there for surgery, and I lucked into the early slot!  Awesome!  I have to be there at 4:45am.

This is good for two reasons— First, I'm getting really hungry at this point.  It would have been horrible to go the better part of another day without food!  Second, this gives me less time to be anxious.  I'll get up, get ready, then go straight to the hospital.  No time to think about it.

It's crazy to think that I'm less than 12 hours away...

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on February 19, 2024, 06:21:08 PMThe countdown is REALLY getting close now.  I received a call from the hospital letting me know when to be there for surgery, and I lucked into the early slot!  Awesome!  I have to be there at 4:45am.

This is good for two reasons— First, I'm getting really hungry at this point.  It would have been horrible to go the better part of another day without food!  Second, this gives me less time to be anxious.  I'll get up, get ready, then go straight to the hospital.  No time to think about it.

It's crazy to think that I'm less than 12 hours away...

~Sara

Sending positive thoughts your way...

Jenn

Hi Sara

The anticipation is killing me, Sara!  Hurry up and get on the table!  Please remember these days, they will be your most fondest memories that you will ever have.

If I remember correctly I worked on Friday and my surgery was on Tuesday, I was supposed to be there on Sunday but I rocked up on Monday.  Talk about cutting it close.  Don't worry I had it done.

Take care and as I said before I will see you on the other side.

Best wishes for the surgery, love and hugs
Sarah B

As my anesthesiologist said just before knocking me out -- 'better living through pharmaceuticals'.

Surgery tip -- don't try to help them perform the procedure, and take all the drugs they offer.

Tomorrow is a new day, the dawn of a new Sara.

Love always -- Jess

Best of luck cutie!

Go get 'em Tiger!!! 💕🐯💕

Yes Devlin will be waiting with the Its a Girl post!!!

I wanted to be the first one to congratulate you on your surgery. I know you are probably not going to remember much of today, much less be reading posts, nevertheless, you made it!! Sarah, you are such an inspiration to us all.
Hugs Gina

Hi Sara

Congratulations you are a GIRL!!
Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Best wishes love and hugs
Sarah B

Hi Sara

Quote from: Gina P on February 20, 2024, 05:51:03 AMI wanted to be the first one to congratulate you on your surgery. I know you are probably not going to remember much of today, much less be reading posts, nevertheless, you made it!! Sarah, you are such an inspiration to us all.
Hugs Gina

Oh she will I hope, remember pretty much the main points like me.

Best wishes love and hugs
Sarah B

This is a pretty cool moment when you think about it. Like we're collectively sending good vibes and wishes, holding our breath, and anticipating great news...



Jenn

All I can remember is walking! to the theatre, laying on the trolley and getting the sleep jab and then waking in the room in my bed feeling fine.Hope you have the same experience, best wishes XXXXX

QuotePlease remember these days, they will be your most fondest memories that you will ever have.

Gosh, I can't agree. I remember being in the dark. I heard the voices of my nurses, spouse, and friends. I mumbled a lot and no one knew what I was saying. Then I awoke and couldn't move much. I slept a lot. When I could finally leave my bed for the first time, I couldn't decide whether to puke or faint. Sad, shuffling steps with a walker were a challenge. Then I could not pee and the pressure grew worse and worse. They were about to discharge me and I couldn't pee and they gave me a cath kit, which would have been impossible. Finally, the dam burst.

My fondest memories of my journey came after all that, i.e. loving and being loved as I am.

I'm guessing Sara's in the dark right now and soon she'll be mumbling. I just want her to get past all this and get back to living her life, loving her friends, colleagues, and family, and being loved in return.

Quoteand then waking in the room in my bed feeling fine

Whoa, Davina! No darkness? No mumbling? No choosing between vomiting or fainting? No shuffling down the hallway and being exhausted by that? No struggle to pee?

On the other hand, once home, I did recover pretty quickly.

I cheated - sent Sara a text last night instead of posting here. But I am chomping at the bit, waiting to hear that our girl is all finished! Sara, we're all so happy for you!!!!

Yes O&C I had it easy apart from the big hematoma on the right hand side, made a mess when that burst!!

Hi everyone!! It's a girl!! 🎉🥳

My surgery began at 6:30am this morning, and I was up in my own room for recovery at around noon.  I'm much more lucid than I expected to be at this point, which is both good and bad.  It's about 5:30pm local time now.

I still can't have food yet, but I'm tolerating it.  I can only have chips of ice until tomorrow at the earliest.

Right now, it still feels like an abstract concept. I know that the surgery happened, but the pains register as being located on my penis.  It's pretty trippy, and I imagine it won't fully feel "real" until I get a look!

Love you guys!  Thanks so much for the support and well-wishes!

~Sara

Hi Sara,

Congratulations!  Hope you recovery quickly!

Marion

Doing a happy dance for you here.

Jenn

Hi Sara

I'm so happy and over the moon from the good news that you have arrived on the other side GIRL!

Remember as much as you can, even write it down in your cell.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery, love and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: TXSara on February 20, 2024, 04:24:18 PMHi everyone!! It's a girl!! 🎉🥳

My surgery began at 6:30am this morning, and I was up in my own room for recovery at around noon.  I'm much more lucid than I expected to be at this point, which is both good and bad.  It's about 5:30pm local time now.

I still can't have food yet, but I'm tolerating it.  I can only have chips of ice until tomorrow at the earliest.

Right now, it still feels like an abstract concept. I know that the surgery happened, but the pains register as being located on my penis.  It's pretty trippy, and I imagine it won't fully feel "real" until I get a look!

Love you guys!  Thanks so much for the support and well-wishes!

~Sara

You're lucid and posting? I'm amazed. I look forward to you eating tomorrow.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 20, 2024, 04:41:55 PMYou're lucid and posting? I'm amazed. I look forward to you eating tomorrow.

You and me both, sister!! 😂

~Sara

I wish eggs, sausage, and hashbrowns for you. OJ and coffee on the side.

In-and-Out burger, fries, and shake for lunch.

And seared scallops and asparagus for dinner.

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
The planets were aligned for you....  congratulations on your surgery and
wishing you speedy recovery efforts.
Hugs and more HUGS,
Danielle
             It's a GIRL!!!!!

Hi O&C, Danielle and Sara

Outstanding replies O&C, Danielle and Sara are you walking straight away?  Then that's one better than me!  Take it easy please.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery, love and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Sarah B on February 20, 2024, 06:24:30 PMOutstanding replies O&C, Danielle and Sara are you walking straight away?  Then that's one better than me!  Take it easy please.

Oh, HECK no!! 😂  I'm not even allowed to move my legs yet.  Nurse says that I'll probably try to stand tomorrow, though.

~Sara

I would avoid the exercise bike for a few days...

Welcome to the other side of life Sara. In a year or two you won't remember any discomfort, just the joy of finally getting that birth defect corrected. Sleep well, sister.

Love always -- Jess

Hi Sara

Quote from: TXSara on February 20, 2024, 06:46:28 PMOh, HECK no!! 😂  I'm not even allowed to move my legs yet.  Nurse says that I'll probably try to stand tomorrow, though.

~Sara

Thank god you are not allowed to move your legs apart ROFLMFAO!!!  I'm very sorry, truly really sorry.  I told you I would be with you in spirit.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery, love and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: TXSara on February 20, 2024, 04:24:18 PMHi everyone!! It's a girl!! 🎉🥳

My surgery began at 6:30am this morning, and I was up in my own room for recovery at around noon.  I'm much more lucid than I expected to be at this point, which is both good and bad.  It's about 5:30pm local time now.

I still can't have food yet, but I'm tolerating it.  I can only have chips of ice until tomorrow at the earliest.

Right now, it still feels like an abstract concept. I know that the surgery happened, but the pains register as being located on my penis.  It's pretty trippy, and I imagine it won't fully feel "real" until I get a look!

Love you guys!  Thanks so much for the support and well-wishes!

~Sara

Love you Sara! Congrats! Now just rest up so the rest of your life can start as soon as possible - the world awaits your reemergence!!

Love,
Allie

P.S. I know, sometimes, when people have certain kinds of surgeries... they make requests through the pathology dept to ... you know.. get their tonsils, appendix, etc... preserved in formaldehyde.  Just wondering... 🤔😂

Hi Allie

You said:

Quote from: imallie on February 20, 2024, 08:21:23 PMP.S. I know, sometimes, when people have certain kinds of surgeries... they make requests through the pathology dept to ... you know.. get their tonsils, appendix, etc... preserved in formaldehyde.  Just wondering... 🤔😂

In this day and age people tend to reuse, things.  I'm sure that thing was used appropriately.

I'm going to leave before things become a problem.

Take care, best wishes and  hugs.
Sarah B

Just dont ask for meatballs for dinner!! They made me get out of bed the next day and walk to the bathroom when things started to work again, catheter is annoying !

So glad you are feeling well. I'll be down Thursday afternoon possibly with Courtney if she can get away. "How about I bring the horses for a trail ride??" Just kidding of course. My doc said expect 3 months till I can ride again. Message me with hospital address and room # if you get a chance.
Congratulations again and speedy healing.
Hugs Gina

Hi Sara,

I hope this message finds you recovering comfortably, or at least as comfortably as possible.  We are all so happy to see another one of us make it to the "other" side safely, you are an inspiration to all of us who yearn to one day undo the cruel humor the cosmos played on us. 

I know the affirmation extends WAY beyond the expansion of clothing options but that said... bring on the yoga pants and cute undies!   ;D


Warm Hugs Dear Sara,

Brooke

Quote from: davina61 on February 21, 2024, 05:08:17 AMJust dont ask for meatballs for dinner!! They made me get out of bed the next day and walk to the bathroom when things started to work again, catheter is annoying !

One time a poster at Susan's said that because I transitioned so long ago, my experiences are less relevant. While I considered that position to be dismissive, when I read comments like Davina's, it rings true. You left the bed and peed the next day, Davina?!?

I was still semi-conscious the next day and wouldn't pee on my own for a week and that, as I already shared, was painful and iffy. I'm glad it's easier today for all y'all, but to be frank, I'm envious. Of course, I had to pay every penny of my surgery too. Sigh. 

Hi O&C

You said:

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 21, 2024, 06:49:05 AMOne time a poster at Susan's said that because I transitioned so long ago, my experiences are less relevant. While I considered that position to be dismissive, when I read comments like Davina's, it rings true. You left the bed and peed the next day, Davina?!?

I was still semi-conscious the next day and wouldn't pee on my own for a week and that, as I already shared, was painful and iffy. I'm glad it's easier today for all y'all, but to be frank, I'm envious. Of course, I had to pay every penny of my surgery too. Sigh. 

Well one day that poster will be old and they will be less relevant.  I'm not here to talk about that person.  You are not alone in your experience, I have similar one to you, but not the full extent.

I like others, I had a catheter in and would not be able to pee by myself until a week later, virtually on the eve of going home, no pee, no home.  I still had trouble peeing for about two weeks after virtually none.  the reason being, I was having hot showers to relieve the pain (I was never worried about the pain) and hot showers makes one dehydrated and I was not drinking very much, therefore no peeing.  After that revelation, I became a peeing expert.

Like you, I also had to pay for my operation lock stock and barrel, it cost me about A$10,000 dollars in Feb 1991.  The proverbial no insurance for this type of operation.  I would still pay for it today just to get it done and over with as soon as possible.

There is more to this story but you along with others will have to read about it in 'Sarah's Race to SRS Part II", I have given out too much at the moment, but I did not like to see O&C standing in the corner all by themselves. Hence, me telling you, 'you are not alone'.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
@Oldandcreaky

Hi Sara

Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I hope you are feeling better than you have been.

Enjoy the company that is coming your way, you deserve all the attention you can get after your epic journey Wild Ride.

It's not over, by along shot, you have many years ahead of you and it will be an Epic Ride.

Please look after yourself and 'please do not walk home', why did I say that?  All will be revealed in good time.

Love you heaps, take care, look after yourself and savor this moment in time.  I did and I'm so happy I did.

Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
@TXSara

No I had the catheter in till the day before I left so 5days. It was the bowel movement I was on about. Wishing you a swift recovery dear and the same lack of pain I had (just discomfort) Took me 3 weeks to get comfortably mobile and about 6 months for everything to settle in if I remember correct.

Quote from: Gina P on February 21, 2024, 05:36:10 AMMessage me with hospital address and room # if you get a chance.

Here's the info!

Capital Health-Hopewell
1 Capital Way
Pennington, NJ 08534
Room 4135

~Sara

Quote from: Sarah B on February 20, 2024, 06:24:30 PMSara are you walking straight away?  Then that's one better than me!  Take it easy please.

No, I'm pretty much bedridden.  I DID get to stand up for a few minutes a little earlier, and I think they want me to get up a second time later today.

My catheter won't come out until Monday.

~Sara

Looks like Courtney and I will be down late this afternoon for a visit. I hope you were able to get some rest and are feeling the best that can be expected. Till then.
Hugs Gina

Sara,

I have been away for a few days, so I am catching up. Congratulations on your surgery may you have a speedy recovery.

Ellen

Quote from: Gina P on February 22, 2024, 05:39:40 AMLooks like Courtney and I will be down late this afternoon for a visit. I hope you were able to get some rest and are feeling the best that can be expected. Till then.
Hugs Gina

Cool!  I'll make sure I'm all gussied up LOL!  Or not...  y'all are getting au naturale Sara today!😉

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on February 22, 2024, 11:57:47 AMCool!  I'll make sure I'm all gussied up LOL!  Or not...  y'all are getting au naturale Sara today!😉

~Sara

I kinda have to ask how long you in for? do you get time off for good behavior?

Quote from: Jenn104 on February 22, 2024, 12:11:52 PMI kinda have to ask how long you in for? do you get time off for good behavior?

I get out of the hospital tomorrow, but it definitely isn't based on good behavior!  I have been quite sassy!

I'll be at a B&B in New Hope starting tomorrow afternoon.  I'll be there until the following Friday.

I got up and walked twice today, had my first "#2", and started back to eating.  I'm still on liquid diet, but at least I can have soups and oatmeal!  Tomorrow should be solid food I hope.

~Sara

Gosh, Sara, I'm surprised anything solid came out since nothing solid has gone in! I'm glad you're going to a B & B. It's so hard to sleep in a hospital. And I'm glad you walked today too. Walking is so important.

Had my first normal meal same day as the op, not that I could eat a lot.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 22, 2024, 04:38:03 PMGosh, Sara, I'm surprised anything solid came out since nothing solid has gone in!

I think this was from my oatmeal breakfast, and none of it was "fully formed" LOL.  It counts, though!

Pain is a lot worse today because they're weaning me off the good drugs.  Bummer.  Sleeping may be difficult tonight.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on February 22, 2024, 05:45:21 PMI think this was from my oatmeal breakfast, and none of it was "fully formed" LOL.  It counts, though!

I love your honesty. I didn't really need to know but I love the honesty of the post.

~Jenn

BBQ tomorrow, right?

Best wishes for a speedy recovery.  Get well, and start living your best life.

It was so nice seeing you again Sarah. Even on your back you look marvelous. I'm so happy for you and I must admit I'm a little envious. Makes waiting for my surgery all the more tedious. I hope I didn't bore you with all my endless questions. There is much I want done to my body and you are the only one I am close to that has went through to the other side.
What a day though Courtney was to call me when she could leave, then the ATT network went down, resorted to Emails but the phone issue was resolved in time. Got to the hospital and there is a fire alarm going on. Fire and rescue trucks all over the place. Must have been a false alarm since they let us in. 
Fast healing sis and I hope to see you again before you depart.
Gina

Thanks, Gina!  It was wonderful getting to visit with you and Courtney yesterday!  Keep the questions coming, sis —- I can only speak for my own experience, but that's better than nothing, right?

Thanks again for the cute little teddy bear and the "birthday" balloons!  You are very sweet and thoughtful.

Hopefully Dr. McGinn's PA will be in pretty soon.  I'm holding off on ordering breakfast because I expect her to let me eat for real!

~Sara

SOLID! Who cares if it's hospital food as long as you don't drink it!

Yay! So happy to hear that things are going well in your first few days of living the vagina side of life. Enjoy!

A quick update...

I was discharged from the hospital around 2pm.  We are now staying at Gaia House, a bed & breakfast in New Hope that is very close to Dr. McGinn's office.  I'm on strict bed rest, only getting up to go to the bathroom.  I have a post-operative appointment with Dr. McGinn on Monday morning.

The pain comes and goes.  I have been given some Hydrocodone + Acetaminophen pills that I can take every 4 hours, and I literally count the minutes until I can take the next dose.  I end up feeling pretty good for 3 out of every 4 hours.  By the time the next dose is allowed, I'm hurting pretty bad.

I'm also a little concerned about some bleeding that just started.  I think I overdid it on the car ride + having to walk upstairs to our rooms.  I'm going to monitor it, and hopefully it stops by tomorrow.

Fingers crossed...

~Sara

Ah, your first period.:o  I'm sure the car trip must have been excruciating. Good that it was only a couple of miles. Hopefully the bleeding is nothing serious. 
Hang in there girl. You will be back to dancing before you know it. 
Wishing for a speedy recovery.
Hugs Gina

Hang in there girl! 

I'm sure some bleeding is normal yet at the same time alarming.  But... you sorta had a tad more invasive of a procedure than having an ingrown toenail removed.  A tad. ;D



Sending healing thoughts!


Brooke 

Hey Sara - glad you're settled in!

Don't let yourself get too worked up about post-op bleeding, after any/all procedures that is very normal. If it's an issue, you'll know it. Otherwise, try not to let it stress you out if possible.

Glad to hear you're now joining me on team Vicodin (that hydrocodone is what I take daily for my head stuff), even for a few days. It really can help with pain. Sorry that transition hour between doses is rough. ❤️. Hopefully with each passing round it will get easier.

Hang in there!

As said ^^^ bleeding is normal for a good few days, walking to the taxi and having a 3hr ride home and then having to climb 3 flights of stairs made me bleed a lot. Hope the pain clears soon like mine did, just the first night I needed the pump to help me sleep.

I actually bled for many months, off and on, and especially after intercourse. There was an area inside that just never healed. My gynecologist prescribed an estrogen cream and I used a big plunger to put it inside me. After a few weeks of doing that, I returned to him and he was so excited by the healing. I never looked back.

There can be various issues after a GCS that can cause bleeding, typically most of them are not serious. Myself, I had a wound vac on which was weird. So I knew it was bleeding, or oozing, or whatever because you see it being sucked up by the vac hose, but I didn't have to deal with it. It all went into the vac. My dr said, lay around don't do much, but make sure you walk around a few times a day. It was so weird, with the wound vac, the cath, oh yeah and a brand new vagina.

You got this girl!

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 24, 2024, 10:25:30 AMI actually bled for many months, off and on, and especially after intercourse. There was an area inside that just never healed. My gynecologist prescribed an estrogen cream and I used a big plunger to put it inside me. After a few weeks of doing that, I returned to him and he was so excited by the healing. I never looked back.

Ha!  The first time I read this, I took it to mean that the man you were having intercourse with was excited by the healing!  I was like, "Yeah, I BET he was!" 😂

I'm not really sweating it much.  After that initial bleeding, there has only been some spotting today.  I figure that unless there's something OBVIOUSLY wrong, it can wait until I grt my first time in the stirrups Monday morning at Dr. McGinn's office!

~Sara

Most men wouldn't be that excited about her using an estrogen cream inside prior to intercourse.  They'd get dosed too.

Quote from: TXSara on February 24, 2024, 12:13:18 PMHa!  The first time I read this, I took it to mean that the man you were having intercourse with was excited by the healing!  I was like, "Yeah, I BET he was!" 😂

I'm not really sweating it much.  After that initial bleeding, there has only been some spotting today.  I figure that unless there's something OBVIOUSLY wrong, it can wait until I grt my first time in the stirrups Monday morning at Dr. McGinn's office!

Happy Stirrup'ing Sara!

Good to see you being you, post-op.


~Jenn

Giddy up, Stirrup Monday :-\  I was amazed at how vulnerable I felt when having the exam during my consult. Feet in those stirrups and legs spread wide. I can only imagine what it will feel like when they start looking inside. Focus on that happy place. Good luck and we all hope for a good report.
Hugs Gina

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 24, 2024, 09:36:06 PMMost men wouldn't be that excited about her using an estrogen cream inside prior to intercourse.  They'd get dosed too.

Not a lubricant.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 25, 2024, 08:16:45 AMNot a lubricant.

HaHaHaHa!  No, it sure isn't! 😂

———————

Today has been a fantastic day.  I got to FaceTime with my mom for a while, then helped my daughter with her math homework, and also got to video chat with Lizzie and a bunch of friends that were at her house hanging out this afternoon.  It has been a very social day, and that makes me smile. 

Another girl checked into the room across the hall today with her husband, and I got to talk with her for a while.  She is here to get a small revision to her labia done since her original vaginoplasty was about 6 months ago.  She let me know a lot about what to expect over the next few weeks, and I am really grateful for that.  She and her husband also grabbed me lunch while they were out, which was super nice.  How cool!

I texted a few of my male friends to let them know that I have a brand new "top of the line" vagina now, and we've been cracking jokes all afternoon.  I can't repeat some of the comments, but just trust me... they're funny.

I'm excited to find out what Dr. McGinn thinks about how I'm healing up.  I'm hopeful that she'll be happy, but I still worry that there has been too much bleeding.  We'll see!

~Sara

How well did McGinn's office prepare you for post operative care and pain? 

Hi everyone!

I'm a bit late providing an update, so I'll just touch on what has transpired over the past few days:

I went in for my first post-op appointment on Monday.  I got my catheter and packing removed on that day.  There were 9 feet of gauze in there, so it looked like Kristal (Dr. McGinn's PA) was performing a magic trick!  It felt REALLY weird as she was pulling it all out.

There was a small wound at the entrance to my vaginal canal, so Dr. McGinn pushed off my initial dilation to my Thursday appointment.

I didn't really DO much at that appointment, but I was completely wiped out for the rest of the day.  I just have ZERO stamina right now.

I started dilation today at my second appointment.  It hurt.  I can tell this is going to be a struggle for a while until I (a) get used to it, and (b) heal up a little.  I'll live, though.  I got three dilations in today.

We fly home tomorrow afternoon.  I'm ready to see my girls and sleep in my own bed!  It has been a great experience, and I'm confident that everything will turn out just fine!

~Sara

Thank you for the update Sara & congratulations again. I am so happy for you, even happier you can say it was a great experience.

Have a safe trip home,

~Jenn

Always good to hear happy news. Thanks for sharing!

Hugs

I'm so glad the healing is going well and Dr. McGinn is happy with the progress. I hope you have a nice, smooth flight out today and continued healing. 
Thanks for the update. As you know I follow your progress with great interest as to what to expect for mine in a few months.
Hugs Gina

If dilating is a pain in the rear, you're in the wrong place!

Yes, dilation is rough for the first several weeks. Moving up to the next size may feel like going from a pencil to a telephone pole. Just go slow, use plenty of lube, and be patient. It does get better, and eventually you can reduce the frequency so it doesn't seem that your life revolves around dilation.

I'm happy to hear that recovery is going well, and I hope you have an uneventful flight home.

Love always -- Jess

Hi Sara

It's good to hear from you, I'm lucky I have not missed much I hope, I will make sure by rereading your posts since your surgery.

Quote from: TXSara on February 29, 2024, 08:12:28 PMHi everyone!

I'm a bit late providing an update, so I'll just touch on what has transpired over the past few days:

We all understand, well at least I do!  What with surgery, worrying about the bleeding, leaving hospital, visiting Dr. McGinn' office, dilating and flying home, no wonder there is no update.

Quote from: TXSara on February 29, 2024, 08:12:28 PMI went in for my first post-op appointment on Monday.  I got my catheter and packing removed on that day.  There were 9 feet of gauze in there, so it looked like Kristal (Dr. McGinn's PA) was performing a magic trick!  It felt REALLY weird as she was pulling it all out.

I was in hospital for a week not like you. My catheter was removed virtually the day before leaving the hospital no peeing no leaving. The magic trick, it seems like only yesterday, it took ages for the nurse to remove the packing material, I was watching it being removed and I wanted it to end.  The memories.  The sensation of it being pulled out comes to mind.

Quote from: TXSara on February 29, 2024, 08:12:28 PMThere was a small wound at the entrance to my vaginal canal, so Dr. McGinn pushed off my initial dilation to my Thursday appointment.

I didn't really DO much at that appointment, but I was completely wiped out for the rest of the day.  I just have ZERO stamina right now.

I'm sure it will heal as Dr McGinn has been doing these surgeries for a long time 12+ years that I know of.

Get as much rest as possible and if you have pain, have a hot shower, it helped me as far as I remember and drink fluids when you do.

Quote from: TXSara on February 29, 2024, 08:12:28 PMI started dilation today at my second appointment.  It hurt.  I can tell this is going to be a struggle for a while until I (a) get used to it, and (b) heal up a little.  I'll live, though.  I got three dilations in today.

It's good to see you are on your way, with your dilation, just relax and take your time.

Quote from: TXSara on February 29, 2024, 08:12:28 PMWe fly home tomorrow afternoon.  I'm ready to see my girls and sleep in my own bed!  It has been a great experience, and I'm confident that everything will turn out just fine!

~Sara

Have a safe trip home, enjoy the company of your girls and yes it will turn out all right for you. So don't worry. Remember the experience as I still do to this day.

Oh Jessica's post is very, very good advice.

Lots of Love, Hugs and a speedy recovery.
Sarah B

Sara, your transition progress is an inspiration. I'm looking forward to future updates. I know this goes without saying, but please take care of yourself and don't cut corners; do everything the docs tells you to do.

I guess you aren't going to the SEC MBB tournament this year.  Maybe next year?

Hi everyone!

Sorry for the long delay in writing anything -- when you don't feel like sitting down, it makes writing posts like this a bit of a chore!  I'm starting to feel a little better while sitting, so here goes --

I am now a little over 5 weeks since my surgery on 2/20.  I had a minor complication in that the stitches popped open in the area near my vaginal introitus.  The "official" name for what I had was a "wound dehiscence at the posterior fourchette".  It hurt like heck (and still does) because this wound gets irritated every time I dilate.  OUCH!

Other than that, I'm doing pretty well.  I am now up to dilating four times a day, and I have moved up to the 3rd dilator size (out of four).  My friends and I call the final size the "Dirk Diggler", and I'm straight up SCARED of that one.  Holy Moly!

Dr. McGinn was able to achieve pretty good depth, and I'm bottoming out just a little past the final dot on the green dilator (the 2nd largest).  This dot is at 6", so I'm thinking I'm a little better than that.

Oohh!!  I have two OTHER things to report (and this might get the post edited LOL)! 

1.  I have found that I get pretty darned wet when I get turned on, which I wasn't really expecting.  Obviously, dilation isn't doing it for me, but I have started watching "The L Word" since a friend couldn't believe I hadn't ever seen it.  Boy, that show is SPICY!

2.  I have already had my first "big O"!  YESSSSS!!!  You guys don't know how worried I was that I would lose function.  I'm already getting pretty good sensation down there, and it's only going to get better.  I know that Dr. McGinn is well known for making sure that part worked as well as possible, and she didn't disappoint!

I am slightly disappointed about my aesthetic appearance right now, but it really wasn't the surgeon's fault.  I just didn't have much fat to work with (because I'm a workout queen), so it looks like I may have to have a fat graft done after about 6 months or so.  In the end, though, I think I'm going to be really happy.

Well, that's enough for now -- hope you guys are doing well!

~Sara

It's great to have you back on the forums, and it's nice to know that everything is working as designed.

Love always -- Jess

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
I am so very glad that you have returned to the Forum and that you have
not been taken away by aliens from outer space.

Please keep your updates coming.
In addition to the rest of your avid followers I am always eager to see and
to read your postings on your Blog thread and elsewhere on the various threads
and topics on the Forum.

Lots of HUGS, Danielle

Sara,

Happy to read your latest post and that you are on your way to a full recovery. By the way, I had the same issue with my stitches. Give it time and it will heal.

Ellen

So glad everything is healing with only a minor glitch. Then big 'O' already. That's great. So happy for you that everything is going well.
Hugs Gina

Take it easy dear, mind out for infection. Just sterilise the hell out of all your equipment, I found fungus in my duze (never could spell that) and got an infection from it. Its left me with a sore patch and I stopped dilating ,not that I need or miss it. 

Good news, Sara. Thanks for the update. As far as appearance, ten women will have ten different vulvas. There is no standard vulva.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on March 27, 2024, 08:15:49 AMGood news, Sara. Thanks for the update. As far as appearance, ten women will have ten different vulvas. There is no standard vulva.

Everyone is unique... and it's called art. Fun link given to me by a plastic surgeon.

Jenn


https://www.thegreatwallofvulva.com/

To me, the glitch doesn't sound "minor".  It sounds significantly painful.  But, I don't note a trace of regret.  I think that speaks to the desire for this procedure and the optimism for the long term benefits. 


I hope you get 100% well soon, and that when you look back on this, you will consider the difficulties well worth experiencing for the results. 

Congratulations on the Big O. 

I am curious about the wetness.  If you don't mind, how was that accomplished?  Was it the choice of procedure that made that possible?  And, which procedures offer the best potential for that?

Hi everyone, and happy Transgender Day of Visibility!  Oh yeah, and Easter too LOL!

Something has been happening recently that is causing me some emotional distress, and I wonder if y'all are similarly triggered...

I am spending quite a bit of time with cisgender women who like to talk gender politics.  When a group discussion breaks out talking about reproductive rights, mysogynistic jerks, the patriarchal society we live in, etc., I tend to clam up.  I begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.  Mine are different.  In fact, I sometimes feel like I'm being attacked because I spent 48 years with white male privilege.

I don't know that there's anything to be done about this... it's just something I notice, and it's a reason why I'll never feel completely like "one of the girls".

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on March 31, 2024, 08:38:08 PMHi everyone, and happy Transgender Day of Visibility!  Oh yeah, and Easter too LOL!

Something has been happening recently that is causing me some emotional distress, and I wonder if y'all are similarly triggered...

I am spending quite a bit of time with cisgender women who like to talk gender politics.  When a group discussion breaks out talking about reproductive rights, mysogynistic jerks, the patriarchal society we live in, etc., I tend to clam up.  I begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.  Mine are different.  In fact, I sometimes feel like I'm being attacked because I spent 48 years with white male privilege.

I don't know that there's anything to be done about this... it's just something I notice, and it's a reason why I'll never feel completely like "one of the girls".

~Sara

You know, Sara, I haven't been in that situation yet since I'm only out to a very select few (present company included  ;D ) but honestly that is one of the situations that I, as a professional worrier, have found triggering to me so I think about a lot when it comes to making a list of "all the road blocks ahead of me".  ;)

And all I've concluded is that the opinions you've always held on those topics are valid. The fact that you now are presenting as your true gender does not invalidate them.

So I think saying "I've always believed..." and sharing your feelings is the best way to contribute to a cisgender female group.

I think opening with "As a woman, I think..." on the other hand, might rub some people the wrong way. Not that it isn't a true statement, but especially if you are wary of the audience, it could come across as if somehow you'd suddenly seen the light only as part of transition. As silly as that conclusion is, as a peacemaker I'd probably start the other way to avoid it.

Anyway, I have no idea if that will be helpful to you at all... but that is literally how I've played out that very scenario in my head.

I have been full-time for a few years now. I agree with Allie that your thoughts and feelings on any subject are valid. You don't need to assert that you have a woman's opinion on it any more than they do. You can just say, "I think that..." because it doesn't matter the source of your feelings. Just be yourself in all that you say or do. Even among cisgender groups, there are differing opinions. People don't question why they feel a certain way on a given topic. That is just an opinion. And you know what they say about opinions... they are like buttholes and everybody has one... and they usually stink. Go easy on yourself. No need to second-guess your thoughts and feelings. In many ways, you have more experience than they do. They have not lived as you have lived.

Hugs!

Quote from: TXSara on March 31, 2024, 08:38:08 PMHi everyone, and happy Transgender Day of Visibility!  Oh yeah, and Easter too LOL!

Something has been happening recently that is causing me some emotional distress, and I wonder if y'all are similarly triggered...

I am spending quite a bit of time with cisgender women who like to talk gender politics.  When a group discussion breaks out talking about reproductive rights, mysogynistic jerks, the patriarchal society we live in, etc., I tend to clam up.  I begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.  Mine are different.  In fact, I sometimes feel like I'm being attacked because I spent 48 years with white male privilege.

I don't know that there's anything to be done about this... it's just something I notice, and it's a reason why I'll never feel completely like "one of the girls".

~Sara

Sara,

I've felt very much like you have in cis-female spaces. I have lived almost 60 years of cis white male privilege. I patently am not able to say a word when IVF, pregnancy, or "being a mom" comes up. I have terrible self doubts in women only spaces.

A couple of experiences are making me re-think myself though--

About a month ago I had a long post-class chat with one of my yoga instructors. At one point I said something like, 'I have terrible imposter syndrome, its a trans thing'. Without missing a beat, she fired back, 'welcome to being a woman, we all have imposter syndrome'.

March was women's history month. The DEI office at work posted daily "interviews with female leaders" in the women's DEI chat space. They were like single power point slides with a little Q & A on them. One of the rotating questions was 'how do you get past your imposter syndrome?'. A huge eye opener for me.


In my own story, I've thought about those and a few other chances I've had to start telling myself I belong in cis-female spaces more than I believe I do. I am maybe thinking you belong more than you believe you belong. I hope this helps.

~Jenn

Regarding what Jenn said, I just finished an article where I interviewed five women and two of them admitted to imposter syndrome. The article had nothing to do with gender. It was about their careers, but I share this because it's common to feel like a phony.

QuoteI begin feeling like an imposter.  I don't have these shared experiences, and I never will.

Sara, I rarely utterly disagree with you, but I do here. Everyday, you are in the thick of more and more "shared experiences." As the years pass, you'll feel less and less like an imposter by dint of having more and more in common with other women, i.e. shared experiences.

As I see it, you have a unique perspective on those questions, and your friends should value them.  They may or may not agree, but in some ways you have an insight they never will.  If people are accepting, I think honesty sharing your opinions, thoughts and feelings can create a stronger bond.  Be aware that someone may disagree with you and hit back with a catty response. If they do, I think a good come back would be: "Well, I have seen the world from different role, different perspectives; and I think my opinions are of value on this issue."

Why am I thinking of Joni Mitchell's "Clouds"?

I guess Joni would say that seeing things from both sides highlighted to her that she didn't entirely grasp anything real.  It's life's illusions she recalled, and she didn't really know life at all.

I guess, you can take my original advice for what it is worth, and consider Joni's counter-argument.  Then, decide what is right for you. 

I think what I am saying is, don't feel pressure to speak.  But, if you have something valuable to offer, by all means share it. 

Hi everyone!

I had a follow up appointment at Dr. McGinn's office on Monday, and everything seems to be going OK.  Kristal (Dr. McGinn's PA) really got after it with the silver nitrate because I had a few places where granulation tissue was a problem.  Thank goodness I don't have much feeling in there right now, because that would have hurt REALLY bad.

I have been given the OK to begin light exercise, which is HUGE for me.  I really need to get moving again.

Kristal says that I'll have a slightly asymmetric labia because of the wound dehiscense from earlier.  The stitches opened up more on the left side.  She says we can fix it later, but I'm not sweating it right now.  It really doesn't look bad.

I get to drop down to 3 dilations per daynow, and I'm told that a critical stretch (pun intended) is from now until the 15 week point.  If I can get through that point without losing any width or depth, I should be in really good shape.  She still wants me to try for 3 times a day all the way until the 6 month point, though.

No penetrative sex (either way LOL) until the 6 month point, but toys are fine NOW as long as I'm careful and they are clean.  No oral stimulation until at least the 3 month point due to concerns about bacterial infection.  I'm not in a big hurry here, but I figure others might be interested!

Oh, I almost forgot!  Courtney came down Sunday night, and we got to visit and have a couple drinks.  It was great catching up, and I was able to fill her in on some stuff I really don't feel needs to be on the site... it was nice to be able to discuss this stuff.

~Sara

@TXSara
Dear Sara:
Your update was nice to read... good news from your doctor and wise words
from her regarding what you can do and not do with your new "downstairs" equipment!!!!

I am happy that you had a nice girl to girl meeting with Courtney.  Comparing notes
and chatting about life endeavors with a good friend is always a lovely thing to do.

I will continue to follow your updates as you feel comfortable sharing and posting.

HUGS, Danielle

Sara,

I enjoy reading your updates too!  Thank you for sharing out.

Chrissy