« on: December 28, 2022, 05:28:09 pm »
It seems like I always feel a bit 'off' this time of the year. Christmas and New Year's just aren't the same as they used to be. I expect it's because of the epiphany I had on Dec 28, 2016 at 7:28pm -- the moment I suddenly understood the reason for my lifetime of anger.  I think that at some level I knew what it was all along, but reality hit when I accepted that I was transgender. The sense of relief I felt was overwhelming. It's only been six years, but that was a different lifetime. It's been a struggle at times, but all the 'big stuff' is done.  My anger at a world which forced me to keep my soul in darkness had been festering for decades, but now I am free. Susan and I still have some challenges to face, but we will face them together.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 28, 2022, 06:24:39 pm »
Ever since I began my transition, I have considered myself to be a unicorn -- something rare and beautiful. I was in an odd mood earlier today, it has been six years since I discovered my truth. When I returned home from running some errands, there was a large envelope waiting for me.

A week or two ago I posted a news story about a little girl who had written a letter to 'LA County' asking if she could keep a unicorn in her yard. A few days later, there was a follow-up story. Upon reading the follow-up, I noticed this:

Encouraging more children's creativity, the department created the Madeline's Magical Unicorn Fund in the 7-year-old's name to support both unicorns and all creatures cared for by the LA County Department of Animal Care and Control. Those who donate $25 or more to the fund will receive a unicorn certificate and personal license tag.

I thought OMG, who wouldn't want an official Unicorn License? I sent a donation, and today I received my Unicorn License! It even came with a heart-shaped metal tag which has my name on one side, and the other states:

Hopefully the license is valid nationwide, I want to make sure my herd is safe.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

P.S. - Yes, the bottle in the background is my 'I Dream Of Jeannie' bottle. Just in case I need a little extra magic...

« on: January 01, 2023, 05:12:48 pm »
Susan and I celebrated New Year's Eve by taking down all of our Christmas decorations. Of course, we also did a little shopping to buy more decorations for next year. I found a nice bright pink sweater and several pairs of leggings at TJ Maxx, but I won't wait for next Christmas to wear them.

Our neighborhood sounded like a battleground last night. Our local newscasters made sure everyone was aware that 'fireworks and celebratory gunfire' was illegal inside city limits. I'm not sure why I was surprised that 'celebratory gunfire' was somewhat common around here. I did not join in, ammo is too expensive.

This morning I made hotel reservations for a trip to Colorado Springs later this week. The weather is looking good. My last visit with Kris was back on 18 Nov, so it's been 7 weeks since my last 'complete' electrolysis treatment.  I will probably wait until mid-March for my next visit. It will be interesting to see how much work I may need. Susan's Colorado friend will be out of town, so I will be making the trip solo.

My dad asked if I had any photos with just him and mom. He was never very interested in having photos taken, so I had to go back a long way, all the way back to Nov 2005. Even that was a group photo, but I was able to heavily crop and edit the photo so it is just the two of them. I can't just take a new photo, my mom passed away nearly three years ago. I hope this serves as a warning to some of you, get photos while you can.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 09, 2023, 10:48:18 am »
My trip to Colorado Springs went well. I left mid-morning on Thursday and spent the night in Amarillo, TX. I woke up around 4:00am on Friday and couldn't get back to sleep, so I headed on up to Colorado Springs. I stopped for a few minutes in New Mexico to watch the moon set behind the Capulin Volcano.

I met with Kris at 12:30pm for some electrolysis. We took a break at 2:00pm, which allowed me to do some shopping and check in at my hotel. The staff at the front desk recognized me, they didn't even ask for ID! After carting my luggage to my room, I headed back to Kris for more electrolysis at 3:30pm. We finished around 6:00pm, mainly because I had dinner plans.

I met @Rayna and another Susan's Place member for dinner at Carrabba's Italian Grill. I'm not sure if the other person wants me to mention their name, so I'll keep it private for now. We had a great meal and some good conversation before leaving around 8:30pm.

Saturday morning I visited the local Walmart to pick up a few things and get gas for my car. I met Kris again at 10:00am, and she was completely done with my treatment by the time we broke for lunch at 12:15pm. We met Rayna and our friend Brenda at the Garden of the Gods Market for lunch. After lunch, Kris, Brenda and I went back to Kris' office to talk for a bit before I hit the road.

Kris said that my treatments have really started to take effect. It only took about 6hrs of electrolysis to clear everything, our previous best was around 7.5 hours. Based on the results, my next trip will be in late March. I'll visit my local electrologist for any face and neck cleanup I may need before then.

I left Colorado Springs around 3:00pm and arrived at my hotel in Clayton, NM around 6:30pm. I was really tired, so I went to bed at 7:30pm. Unfortunately going to bed early usually results in an early wake up. At 5:00am I was on the road home, arriving safely a little before 5:00pm on Sunday. Overall the trip went well, the only bad news is that I seem to have caught a cold. I noticed a scratchy throat Saturday afternoon, and it hasn't gotten any better. I took a COVID-19 test Sunday evening. Based on the results, I'm not pregnant. Hopefully I didn't spread it to any of the friends I met with over the weekend.

Love always -- Jessica Rose


Before meeting with Kris, I took a detour to get a few photos of the Garden of the Gods from the Mesa Overlook...

« on: January 14, 2023, 05:54:52 am »
(This post was a response to another member's blog, lost due to the blip. I decided to add it to my blog)

The 'person I used to be' was a facade, a character I created out of necessity to protect my soul. 'He' had to fit within the box society defined for those with similar physical characteristics. Despite the inner turmoil this caused, 'he' had to remain in control to protect the fragile essence of the person within. 'He' became so strong and powerful that my soul was encased in darkness, and was never allowed to dance in the sun. Despite the darkness, over the years my soul grew and became strong enough to stand on her own. Once 'he' was reminded of her existence and realized how strong she had become, 'he' realized she no longer needed his protection. 'He' protected her all his life, but now his job was done and it was time to allow her to live, time for her to dance in the sun.

'He' never really existed. 'He' was a shell we created to protect the truth of who we were. Eventually, 'he' gave his life so we could live. I think that is why my deadname is so triggering. It reminds me of the person who protected me, the person who gave his life to give me life.

Enjoy your new life Sarah, and occasionally dance like nobody's watching.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 15, 2023, 04:32:33 pm »
Susan and I are enjoying a slow weekend at home. The cold I caught a week or so ago is fading fast. Unfortunately, I shared my cold with Susan, and it seems to be hitting her much harder than me. I was worried that it would delay my scheduled cataract surgery on Monday morning, but I think it will be fine.  I had been wearing a contact lens on my uncorrected eye, but the opthalmologist told me to stop wearing it at least three days prior to surgery. So until Monday afternoon, my vision will be somewhat less than optimal.

I decided to take the opportunity to straighten up around the house a bit. I've already gone through several bags of new clothes which had stacked up in the bedroom. I really need to go through my clothes again, I think I have enough leggings to open my own store. I rearranged my necklaces using a new jewelry tree Susan gave me for Christmas, then I fixed a loose strap on one of my dresses. I also found an earring I had lost a few weeks ago. It had buried itself in the carpet so far that our vacuum didn't pick it up. Last week I found out that I had been accepted for another round of voice therapy at UAMS. The sessions start mid-February.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 16, 2023, 02:19:18 pm »
My cataract surgery this morning went well. The doctor removed the dressing about an hour ago. I can see, but my vision is still quite foggy. It will take some time for the medications to wear off, and a while longer for my vision to clear up. I have a follow-up appointment next week, and in a month or so I'll have an eye exam to determine the overall results.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 17, 2023, 02:28:09 pm »
My vision is MUCH better today. Yesterday evening my right eye was still very sensitive to light. Although things looked sharper, vision in that eye was still quite foggy. Today the fog is gone, and my vision is great!

My left eye was done first (back in November), as it was bothering me the most. I wanted to get my right eye taken care of quickly, but the earliest appointment they has was mid-January. Colors are now brighter and more vivid. I have not driven at night since having the second eye done, but I could already tell the night vision improvement after having my left eye corrected. I had a lot of astigmatism, and the new lenses make a huge difference. Sunglasses are definitely required for sunny days.

I was helping @Susan_Rose  with a post earlier today and noticed that she didn't have an avatar. That oversight has now been corrected!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 18, 2023, 11:00:55 am »
My insurance would cover the 'standard' intraocular lens, but not the toric lenses which can help with astigmatism. It would be nice if insurance would cover the most appropriate (optimum) solution for each patient, instead of just the minimum solution. The toric lenses added $2600 to my bill, but they were worth it. I can read reasonably-sized type at arms length, but threading a needle or reading fine print will require glasses.

One of the things I always disliked about glasses was walking in the rain or snow. I hated getting anything on my glasses which further impaired my vision. Now I can enjoy a walk in the rain or snow if I want, without having to clean my glasses every few minutes.

'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.' - Vivian Greene

In a way, my glasses were also a metaphor for the things which didn't allow me to enjoy life. Now all of those things are gone, and I can enjoy simply being me.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 20, 2023, 10:10:23 am »
I had a follow-up appointment with my ENT yesterday. They did another 'strobe' test, which is performed by snaking a video camera through my nose into my throat. The worst part is the numbing spray, it is exceptionally bitter. They had me read the 'rainbow passage' and make a few other verbal noises while recording. Then they brought up the recording from the tests I did last year for comparison. The differences were much greater than I expected. My voice was much stronger and had a noticeably higher pitch. They gave me copies of the videos. Seeing your own vocal cords moving is weird. My voice is significantly better than before, which makes me hopeful that I'll make more progress during the next semester of therapy.

I haven't been doing my vocal exercises since the sessions ended, but I need to get back into the habit of doing them on a regular basis. Even without the daily workout, my 'voice pitch analyzer' app still shows a nice change:

                   MinAvg  MaxAvg  Avg
29Dec2018  149Hz    188Hz    167Hz
14Jul2020    167Hz    221Hz    191Hz
06Jan2022   165Hz    214Hz    189Hz
09Nov2022  168Hz    242Hz    204Hz
19Jan2023    178Hz   246Hz    209Hz

My vision is still slowly improving, but the most dramatic changes have already occurred. I have several more days of eyedrops and using an eye shield at night. Other than reading small print, I can perform all of my daily activities, including driving, without corrective lenses (glasses or contacts). I do need sunglasses for sunny days though, so I need to find some fashionable ones. I have an optometrist appointment Monday.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 24, 2023, 12:38:26 pm »
I had an optometrist appointment yesterday. The doctor didn't notice any inflammation at all. I no longer need to use the eye shield or ointment at night, and I only need one of the prescription eye drops. Vision in my left eye is 20/20, and I'm hoping that's where my right eye will eventually settle at. Even if it stays where it is now, my vision is perfectly acceptable for everything (except reading) without glasses or contacts.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 7, 2023, 03:47:05 pm »
Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend. The weather had warmed up a bit and the skies were mostly clear. As usual, we picked up some sandwiches at McAllister's Deli for lunch. After lunch, I pulled the memory card from my dad's trail camera on my dad's back porch. He doesn't have any official pets, but he puts out table scraps and dog food to see what comes by. The most common diners are raccoons (up to four at once), opossum, rats, mice, and a cat. After checking the photos, Susan and I went into town to do a little shopping. We found a few small items, and something my dad had requested.

My dad had asked for some new v-neck t-shirts. I had not purposefully entered the men's department in well over five years, and it bothered me. I really didn't like being there, I guess it was just an unwelcome reminder of my past. I found the t-shirts and left that area of the store as quickly as I could.

On Sunday morning we went to a local fast food restaurant for breakfast, then visited the cemetary where my mom and a brother (Carl) are resting. We met my brother Gene and his wife for lunch at Outback Steakhouse and had a nice visit with them. Once we got back to my dad's house, we loaded up our things and headed home.

Yesterday I received a call from my next student clinician! The speech therapy course starts up next week, and she wanted to know what aspects of my speech I wanted to work on this next semester. The work we did last semester really helped, and I'm looking forward to additional gains this semester.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

 
 

« on: February 12, 2023, 10:57:07 am »
I had a dental appointment last Wednesday, just a routine cleaning. Oddly, it was routine. To think that I would ever consider my life to be 'routine' again used to be a fantasy. I don't dwell on the difficulties I had to overcome. Simply being me is enough.

I finished our taxes yesterday and filed them. We bought a vehicle over the summer which included a tax incentive, so we will be getting a nice refund. We still need to replace a section of metal roof which was damaged during a hail storm last year. Most of the 'leftover' refund will go towards paying off a 401k loan I had to take out for my last round of FFS.

I have an optometrist appointment tomorrow, I expect it will be the final checkup for my cataract surgery. I'm not sure if I will be getting a new prescription at that time, or if I will need to wait a bit longer. The vision in my right eye is not quite as sharp as my left eye, and I will definitely need reading glasses.

My dad finally replaced two old television sets, they both had picture tubes (CRT). Unfortunately, he can't figure out how to scan for broadcast channels (he doesn't have cable or internet service). He wants to know when we can visit again so I can set up the televisions. My brother and his wife only live about 15 minutes away from my dad. Maybe he just want us to visit more often? I don't mind. Sometimes he tells us stories from his youth, and I know one day his stories will fall silent. I expect we will visit him again next weekend.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 14, 2023, 06:24:57 pm »
My optometrist appointment went well, and I got a new prescription. It's nice not needing glasses all the time, but I don't like having to pull out my reading glasses every time I want to read something. I ordered a new set of glasses with progressive lenses, that way I can just leave them on all day. It's nice having the option to go without them whenever it's more convenient though.

When I got home from the appointment, it was time to bake a dessert. Susan told me that I was going to make cheescake for Valentine's Day. I think she finally understands who's the boss around here. She supervised, but I did all of the work. It looks good, and we will sample it after supper tonight.

I finally contacted a roofer to repair/replace the section of metal roofing which was damaged during the hail storm last year. It was just cosmetic damage, but our insurance covered full replacement, so we want to get it done.

Our medical insurance provider recently added a search filter for 'inclusive' care. Out of over 1100 medical practitioners listed, adding the 'inclusive' filter dropped that number to 11. Last week I found a primary care doctor in Hot Springs, AR, who lists 'gender dysphoria' as her area of expertise. Her office called me this morning, and I have an appointment with her next Monday afternoon. Driving all the way back to Denver to see my doctor just isn't a good long-term solution, so hopefully this new doctor will work out.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 14, 2023, 06:30:46 am »
I had an electrolysis session on Tuesday. My electrologist seemed happy, he found a few hairs which didn't require much searching. He finished up with my neck and face quickly, so we moved on to other areas. Underarms, nothing. Chest, maybe a dozen or so. Stomach, nothing. I was a bit uncomfortable, but I removed my leggings so he could get a few dark ones I had seen on my legs. This was the first time I had even down to my panties in front of a male. As expected, he remained quite professional. After finishing my legs, he spent the rest of my session on my arms and hands.

The results from the Monday blood draw came back. My estrogen level was 269. I was surprised it was so much higher than usual. Although it had not been checked in around 2 years, the last few tests had indicated levels around 170. I had put on a new patch the day before my checkup, but patches usually don't result in giant hormone level swings. So far my doctor has not mentioned anything.

Wednesday evening I had another voice therapy session. I saw a great video on throat massage which included some discussion on all of the structures in your throat. My clinician said she would send me a link to the video, and I'll post it once I get it.

After the class was over, I hung out in the parking lot talking to two other folks taking the class. Both of them thought my voice was already perfect, and they were amazed that I had only transitioned five years ago. One of them didn't think the class was going to help much, they thought their voice was too deep and they would never reach a 'female' pitch. For the first time in years, I demonstrated my old voice. They were shocked! It gave them hope that they would be able to find a new voice that they would be happy with.

I never thought I would have a nice voice either. After watching a few YouTube videos five or six years ago, and now a few voice therapy sessions, my average frequency has gone from around 120Hz up to 209Hz -- and I know I can do even better! Don't give up on your voice. A little voice therapy may be able to do more than you imagine.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: March 4, 2023, 08:07:02 am »
Last night I began a new, intimate relationship with something long and hard... but first an update on my glasses.

My new glasses arrived Thursday. Although my distance vision was good enough for daylight driving, I was really uncomfortable driving at night. The new prescription is perfect, and with progressive lenses (no line bifocals), I don't need to search for reading glasses to check my phone.

My new relationship? It's related to a prescription which arrived Thursday afternoon, estradiol valerate. They forgot to send syringes and needles though. I made a call to my doctor, and she said I could drop by to pick some up. Yesterday I drove to her office (about 40 minutes away), gave her printouts of previous blood tests, picked up the supplies, then went home. I researched how to give intramuscular injections, then watched a few 'how to' videos. I had never given myself, or anyone else, an injection. I figured with all of the surgeries I've gone through and all of the electrolysis I've had, how bad could it be?

Last night, I drew my first dose of estradiol valerate. I Switched to a 25 gauge 1.5 inch needle for the injection. I pulled the skin on the side of my thigh taught, then drove the needle all the way down. It was unexpectedly painless until the last quarter-inch or so. Even that last little bit was barely noticeable.

Estradiol valerate is highly viscous. Pushing it though that tiny needle required patience. As long as you hold it still, the only discomfort comes from the building pressure inside your thigh muscle receiving the dose. Once I had fully depressed the plunger, I waited a few seconds before withdrawing the needle. There was just one tiny drop of blood which was barely noticeable, even with my new glasses. My stomach was feeling a little queasy and my thigh was a little sore, but the deed was done. I went to sleep about an hour later, and by the time I woke up the soreness was gone.

Transdermal patches had served me well over the years, and I may one day return to them. It will be nice not having to deal with the dark rings of adhesive which form around a patch after a day or two. That visible reminder of my status was beginning to bother me. Now I will need to get used to new weekly ritual. I have an appointment with my doctor in a few weeks to make sure all is well.

The rain has cleared out for now, and the weather should be good for a few days. Spring will be here soon. This weekend I plan to extend one of our flower beds 15 - 20 feet. Susan wants another rose bush, and maybe some space for a few vegetables.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 06, 2024, 07:23:36 AM« on: February 14, 2023, 06:30:46 am »

Wednesday evening I had another voice therapy session. I saw a great video on throat massage which included some discussion on all of the structures in your throat. My clinician said she would send me a link to the video, and I'll post it once I get it.

After the class was over, I hung out in the parking lot talking to two other folks taking the class. Both of them thought my voice was already perfect, and they were amazed that I had only transitioned five years ago. One of them didn't think the class was going to help much, they thought their voice was too deep and they would never reach a 'female' pitch. For the first time in years, I demonstrated my old voice. They were shocked! It gave them hope that they would be able to find a new voice that they would be happy with.

I never thought I would have a nice voice either. After watching a few YouTube videos five or six years ago, and now a few voice therapy sessions, my average frequency has gone from around 120Hz up to 209Hz -- and I know I can do even better! Don't give up on your voice. A little voice therapy may be able to do more than you imagine.

Can I add a well voiced 'Amen!' ??

Voice therapy with practice is magic. I finished voice therapy in December. Its really amazing how much better I sound.. and how much I keep improving. Pitch, resonance, brightness, and inflection.



~Jenn

Quote from: Jenn104 on January 06, 2024, 07:37:07 AMCan I add a well voiced 'Amen!' ??

Voice therapy with practice is magic. I finished voice therapy in December. Its really amazing how much better I sound.. and how much I keep improving. Pitch, resonance, brightness, and inflection.



~Jenn

That's great news, Jenn! While voice therapy may not work for everyone, I think it at least worth trying. It's much cheaper than surgery, and there's no recovery time. Once you understand how your voice works, how different parts of your body contribute to it, the changes can be dramatic. You do need to put in some time and effort though. With proper training and lots of practice, I think many people will be able to find a voice they like.

Love always -- Jess

« on: March 21, 2023, 08:50:49 pm »
My trip to Colorado Springs went well. The drive up was very windy, but I didn't have to deal with any snow or ice on the roads. I'm not sure if it was caused by my new HRT regimen, but I had a round of euphoria strike while driving through the Texas panhandle. There was a beautiful sunrise, I was singing along to 'Perfect' by Ed Sheeran, and I guess it was simply too much! What a glorious feeling!!!

Once I arrived in Colorado Springs, my first stop was a visit with my hair stylist. She invited me to her in-home salon! While she worked, I got to meet her daughter (a ballerina) and their canine companion. I had not seen my stylist in around six months, but she said my hair wasn't too bad. She gave it a little trim, some color, and a 'Brazilian blowout' which made my hair silky smooth.

The next stop was some electrolysis with Kris. It only took about two hours to clear my face, neck, chest, and stomach, plus a few stray hairs on my legs. Once Kris was done for the day, it was off to Old Chicago to meet some friends for supper. After supper I went back to my hotel, I was beat.

Saturday morning I drove to the Garden of the Gods. It had snowed a few days earlier and it was a great photo op. After taking a few photos, it was time to do a little shopping. At 11:00am I met Kris again for more electrolysis. We took a break around 1:00pm and met our friends Brenda and @Rayna  for lunch at the Garden of the Gods Market. After lunch, it was back to the electrocution table. Kris finished up around 6:30pm. I was still full from lunch, so I went back to my hotel for the night.

While shopping at Target on Sunday morning, a lady struck up a conversation with me. She mentioned how hard it was for tall women to find pants with long legs. We discussed the issue for several minutes, and I told her about a few local stores which usually carry long-legged jeans. Then the subject switched to underwire bras and then to where we grew up! We probably talked for twenty minutes or so, until her daughter called and she had to leave. As soon as she left, I nearly broke down in tears. Having such a friendly conversation, woman to woman, with a complete stranger was something I would never have dreamed of a few years ago.

After my shopping trip, I met CJ (my first electrologist) and her husband for lunch at Outback Steakhouse. A large portion of our conversation was CJ's anger at all the the anti-trans laws being passed in the US. Once lunch was over, it was time to hit the road. I spent the night in Amarillo TX, and made it home Monday afternoon.

Today I had a checkup with my new doctor to check my hormone levels. While there, I got to meet Dr. Herzig in person! She's awesome, and we actually have quite a bit in common. We talked for over an hour, and she told me to contact her if I ever needed anything. This is the same Dr. Herzig who was asked a rather rude question by a state legislator in an open hearing a few weeks ago.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

 

« on: March 26, 2023, 06:34:41 pm »
I still have a difficult time believing that lady in the photo is me. For those of you who hesitate, don't let your current reflection hold you back. I was certain that I was going to be an ugly woman, but I would not have survived the path I was on. I believed transitioning was the only path I had left, and my decision was more an act of desperation than anything else. Yes, it was expensive and painful. However, I am here, I survived, and I have finally found the peace which eluded me for so long.

Susan and I visited relatives in Louisiana over the weekend. While visiting, I replaced a ceiling fan which appeared to have failed, only to discover the fan wasn't the problem. There was no power to the wall switch, and the circuit breaker was fine. My dad is now looking for an electrician to check the wiring. The house is 45 years old, so it's possible some new wiring will be necessary.

The azaleas at my dad's house are in full bloom, red, white, pink, and fuchsia. The rose bushes and wisteria are also doing well. It was a short trip, but we like to visit as often as we can.

Love always -- Jessica Rose