Susan's Place Transgender Resources

so I've posted about bits of my life here and there but things in my marriage are going more downhill the better I start to feel.

For those who don't know I'm married to a cis woman. We have 2 beautiful daughters ages 6 and 8. My daughters are my babies as much as they are hers. I have been an equal caretaker of them from the moment they entered this world. I love them more than anything. In fact in my deepest despair they are my one reason to cling to existence.

My wife has moved about an hour and a half away to near the school she is going to in the fall. She has herself setup well. She is bipolar and has qualified for work rehab to pay for school and low income housing. She has an apartment in a county owned duplex. She is trying to get back on social security which she was once qualified for as a permanent disability.

Our house is located a hour from St Louis. All of my medical support for transition is near there. My regular doctor, endocrinologist, therapist, psychiatrist, and the only local group that meets every week.

Since coming to terms with myself she has been back and forth with me. Seems in the last few months I can count on three phases. One, she wants me near, two she's ambivalent to my very existence, three she is angry and hateful very often getting to the point of being mean. You know I get it, she wanted to marry a guy. She has always had expectations of what a man should be. I never met these expectations. In the decade we have been married I made every effort to be more of what she said she wanted. Nothing about it was ever natural for me which makes perfect sense now.

Wednesday night at 6 when she had to know I was heading out the door to go to the group, she called. The conversation was so bad I could not go. I ended up feeling guilted into driving down to her apartment for the night. Thursday morning it seemed everything was ok. I told her I was going back to the farmhouse that night. Later she called with questions that led to hurt feelings. She wanted, expected me to decide to drive back to her place. She later said she wanted to feel like she was important. This was after she posted something on Facebook aimed directly at me.

Anyway she has been wanting a guarantee. At first she just wanted to know that I could eventually leave the family farm where we built our house. I told her it was a possibility. Now she wants a date when I will move with her. She pushed me last night till I was crying. I know she has a habit of pushing until a person gives. Last night I just broke. I hung the phone up on her and cried myself to sleep. Later at night she sent a long drawn out text apologizing for all the hurts she caused and then deleted her Facebook account. I think my marriage is over this time for real. Every time she said she was leaving before I begged her to stay. Somehow I think last night was another "chase me" moment. I just have nothing left in me. Last night my kids were my only reason to think the morning could be different.

Today I'm lost in the abyss.

Josie, I'm sorry you are going through this. 

It sounds like your wife is trying to process your being trans along with a bunch of other issues related to her school, housing and being bipolar.  She's going to have some pretty intense needs, probably not fully thought out, that are putting some tough demands on you.

About the only thing I can think of is to try and find a support group for spouses of bipolar persons, to perhaps help you in processing her ways of thinking and expressing herself.  Would you really be happy leaving the farmhouse and moving into that duplex with her?  Will that close proximity help her?  Will it help you, or expose you to harm?

Hang in there, there's a parachute attached to you, even though it might feel like free fall at the moment.

Today we are better again. We had a long talk. For now she is understanding why I need small steps in transition. She wants to jump toward the "new" life. That is she wants to close the door on our old life and open a new. She saw my hesitation as not wanting to be with her. She is still dealing with feelings that our history was not reality now. She said that being with me had finally made her think some guys were different than she saw all guys being. I guess now that is explainable since my brain was never really male.

If she can keep this talk in her memory we might be alright for a while. Sometimes she looses things in her own stress.

It's all very difficult for all parties to process.  I too have been through issues with memory, and my wife has had her own struggles.  We can't always separate out what we remember as real and what we wished was real. 

I can say that as you and those around you progress on the journey, everyone will need to do a lot of forgiving and accepting.  I don't believe it's in anyone's best interest to carry around issues until they explode. 

More downs and ups but for now we seem OK. I have been at the farm with the kids this weekend so at first she got way depressed but didn't get angry this time. The girls and I are going to head to her apartment later today. Tomorrow I have to come back here for work reasons and my therapist on Wednesday.

This last weekend with my kids has been good. We have been cleaning the house some. They managed to finally get their room cleaned after 2 days. I finally got the living room straightened and cleaned. With us moving stuff to my wife's apartment our house was more like a storage shed for a while. The kids helped me decide on rearranging the living room. We had fun. Yesterday my big brother drove down from St. Louis. For a while we all visited at my grandparents next door. Later my mom and he came over and had pizza with myself and the kids. It was awesome to have a chance to talk with my big brother one on one. He has lived away from the farm since going to college. Despite our history of fighting over toys as kids and the very little we spoke except at family gatherings, I have always felt he was there if I ever needed him. I told him so yesterday.

Actually I told him a lot. He was the third person I told that I am transgender. At the time he was flat out shocked. Always accepting but after that call my wife and kids went to visit him the next day. This was the only time I ever really tried to be fully dressed and pass, makeup wig and all. Even knowing what I had told him the day before he was stunned by my walking up in all fem attire to their house. His boyfriend/fiance was way less shocked but also said he never had a clue.
So yesterday I got to talk with him at length. He got to see the real me relaxed in my home. A pair of jean shorts and a plain but really comfy form fitted tee shirt. I talked about my process, about my deep memories from childhood, even my instinctual desires for children. I told him about how I have never been able to understand groups of guys, like never fit in or get why they do what they do. He did say gay guys don't get regular guys either. I thought that was funny. On the other hand he doesn't feel comfortable in groups of just women either. Me on the other hand, when I get included, get a feeling of happy from being in "girl talk". Something my therapist and I talked about. She mentioned how spending time with her girlfriends leaves her feeling good. Its an oxytosen thing.
He was being a great brother. I went into way too much detail with feelings and such. Enough that he was "outside his element" so to speak. I also figured out we women will talk pretty openly about anything. I told him how I was happy about how my body was changing, smooth skin, way slowed down and fading color of my body hair, and how my boobs had grown. He then said, yes I kinda noticed that. To which I then said, but you really don't want to accidentally bump them, its almost like a ball kick. There it was  :D the "uncomfortable man look" in his face! I had to laugh when I saw it. He then said, "You're getting a bit too much pleasure from making me uncomfortable". I replied, "yes I am a bit". Some sibling things never change.

So he still finds some of these things strange. He said I had done such a good job of hiding myself that no-one in the family ever even suspected. He's adjusting to having a little sister. I just want to be able to spend more time with him and his soon to be husband. For years I have felt I missed my big brother. I'm finally freeing myself enough to find him again.


Something I've noticed recently, I am having a much easier time turning my thoughts into verbalization. I used to have this sort of disconnect where I thought one thing but turning it out into words was more difficult. Either my verbalization is improving or perhaps I am allowing myself to use a greater vocabulary? In much of my work and social history interacting with guys I did need to stifle my vocabulary. I didn't work with many geniuses. Words needed to be kept at a level where I did not see the glazed over look in the other person's eyes. Maybe that's all it is or HRT has helped me use my language brain centers better. Don't know?  ???

Josie it's great to see things improving in many areas.  I can only imagine the challenges you're facing - you're handling everything the best way possible.  It is so awesome you have great kids and family that understands.  This isn't all easy but you are gaining the best of both worlds.  At this point I think only time will tell whether your marriage grows stronger or just isn't the best in the long run. 

If you haven't read "She's not there" by Jennifer Boylan I recommend it.  Jennifer married the love of her life and had two children when she was James, transitioned to Jennifer as an English professor at Colby College and continued to raise two young children.  Her story is so fun but also made me cry in a few places, reminds me of your story so far.  She has a sharp sense of humor which can be the best prescription in good and bad times.  If you don't have access and want to read it, send a PM and I'll mail the book to you.

All the best - you deserve it. 

Well things are in the toilet again tonight. But I'll start with the better part of today.

I went to the east side city (east of St. Louis but not East St Louis) dressed as myself today. I wore a form fit black tee with a pair of short rise tight jeans with flared leg. My tennis shoes. Only eye liner for makeup and my hair well, right now it does what it does.

Went to my therapist first thing in the morning. Had to run a prescription by a CVS pharmacy and wait for that to be filled. Made a few calls about laser hair removal for my facial hair. Talked to a dermatologist / gynecologist who does laser and went in for a consultation. Ended up getting a first treatment today across my whole face.  :D Having used an IPL on myself a few months back many times I found the laser pretty tame. The IPL helped by thinning the hairs on my cheeks and neck quite a bit. The thick areas left around the chin did hurt a bit. My chin is swollen tonight.

So then I spoke to my SO on the phone. When I told her I had gotten a laser facial appointment today, well I was told how selfish I am. We are seperated more than not right now. We have not been getting along for more than a day at a time. Tonight I was supposed to go to her apartment and watch the kids while she had a CPR class. That didn't happen. She didn't want me down there. Then she started some texts. Then the call. She wanted to issue me an ultimatum. She said it wasn't but she also texted me that my decision tonight was the final decision? During the call she pushed until I dropped the phone on the floor and went into the bedroom crying. I don't know, maybe 5-10 minutes later I was able to pick the phone up again. My head was pounding by this point. I told her I cannot do this now. Then I went and sat in the shower until the water heater was out of hot water. Right now my head is still pounding but I'm almost over the shakes. Just another bad day ending. Oh yeh, didn't get to go to group tonight, again. :(

Josie I am so sorry to hear your evening went this way.  I wish I could give you a hug right now.

Josie I've been reading your story and I'm sorry to hear you're having these roller coaster type days. Easier said than done but hang in there girl! Tomorrow is another day! I feel like my story might start to sound similar once I start telling family.

Vicki

Thanks both of you. Kendra your virtual hug still made me feel better.

Last night things went bad again. I worked late and had a 3 hour drive home. She called me and texted to say she told our kids I was coming to her apartment for the night. She knew I had never said that. After the night before I need some space to keep safe mentally and physically. What I didn't say about the night before is when I dropped the phone I was in such a self loathing state that I realized I was bumping my head with my fist like an autistic person while she made me feel desperate for an end.
So last night she calls again as I get into the drive at the house. She says the kids still think I'm coming and asks me what to do about it. I spoke my mind. I asked her why she thought that this situation she created needed me to fix it. Prior to that I had let out a sigh. How could I not. It was after 9pm, I had just pulled into the driveway, I am sore and covered in dirt and grease. I haven't had anything to eat yet, and she wants me to figure out how to deal with something she did? I was ready to try to drive the hour plus to her place but no way until I had a shower and clean clothes. Anyway hearing the sigh did it. She got mad and said that she would take care of it. I could tell it wasn't over.
So I get a shower and just get some pjs on. Time to tuck the kids in, she calls. Then while I'm on the line she tells the kids that she was wrong and it got too late for me to get there. They are disappointed. So I sing the song I have done for them almost every single night since they were babies and say good nights. Then she called again. This one turned quickly to how I am not wanting to commit to being with her in her place. I told her to stop before it got as bad as the night before did. She didn't and I hung up. She began texting.
So she is back to angry and hateful. She says I should have told her about these feelings from the beginning. How does a person trying to be a man admit these things? When I had convinced myself that I was a guy and that not all guys acted like her expectations. I told her more than once when I was broken down, that she had expectations of a MAN that I could never meet. I mean even as a guy why was I not good enough for her? Why does a guy have to be overtly sexual at all times? Why does a guy have to want sex anywhere anytime? I never had from the beginning. Back then it was something she later said she worked around but why did I have to change to be "good enough of a man"?

So I get her feelings of loss of a man she never even had to begin with. I also understand why she thinks I'm an >-bleeped-< now. Before I was overly accommodating. She always felt like I was too busy working for her but when she wanted something she got it. Today her unconscious manipulation get rejected more than not. I speak up for myself when I feel she crosses a line. In the past we would have "talks" which were her complaint sessions sometimes lasting hours. She would let me know what she didn't feel was right, until I was broken down and often in tears. Our whole relationship I was afraid to speak back most of the time. For her the threat of leaving was far too easy to walk to. Now that threat doesn't have its power over me. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I want mental peace far more than love now.

Later today we have to meetup with a lawyer and the regional bankruptcy trustee. We are broke from credit cards. She has decided she will not reaffirm on any of our loans including the home mortgage. What she really wished is that I would walk away from everything too, which would mean my family as well in many ways. This is not going to be a good day.


A whole other subject, I figured out yesterday I have the strength and endurance of a 40 year old woman now. While generally not a bad thing, for my job it is an issue. Sometimes I have to do "heavy" work. Yesterday was one of those days. It required beating a large pin out of a machine suspension. I couldn't do it. 4-5 swings of the sledge hammer and I was exhausted, sweating profusely, and weakened to the point of needing to sit down. I had to go ask for help from the machine operator. So the men took turns driving out stuck pins for me. It's a strange thing when I have been a do it myself girl my whole life. The men seem to treat me differently. They still call me he/him but subconsciously they see the change. One guy put his hand on my shoulder. Then later, with the truck engine running, he happened to come up to where I was looking for a tool in the side of the bed. When he spoke it started me. In the moment of laughing about being startled he put his hand on the small of my back. I pulled away within about a second. Then there was the part time help there that creeped me out! So to preface, I have wide hips which now after loosing all my upper body muscles are harder to hide than before. My shoulders aren't exactly wide either. When I am crouched down and working on something I know my hips and thighs do kind of stand out if you are looking anyway as does my chest now even with two layers. Every time I was working kind of reaching up or bent over I would see this dude right behind me. Like when I moved to another position, he would get behind me. It wasn't like he was just watching me work. When guys do that they don't move every time I do. This is the second time I have experienced this lately. Always been some guy I never met before. I get it, I'm definately not the shape of manliness, but so freaking weird. Do all girls get this feeling from guys?

Well it's early in the morning and I have to get ready to start another day in this crazy life. I not expecting the best today. Esp dialysis after the series of negative texts late through last night. Ehh  :-\

Josie you are handling this incredibly well.  I think part of what's happened is - the two of you were not equals in your marriage.  You were suppressing yourself under a blanket of dysphoria, and your wife subconsciously or internationally found it easier to push you around when you were wrapped up in that blanket.  And now you are learning how to free yourself from within and your wife doesn't like it when you assert yourself. 

Finances add a challenge but you will solve that.  In the long run it's just numbers although I know it can be stressful at times.  Your kids on the other hand - the quality time you are able to spend as they grow up is priceless and your situation there is far better than it could be.  Kids are so perceptive - when you do the right thing, they know even without a word being said.

Stay strong, as you have.  Be glad for what you have and where you are going.

Josie, I'd have to agree with Kendra.  You really are handling this well, in spite of everything.

Unfortunately, you are right in the middle of the worst part of the process of coming out and becoming yourself, as old relationships become unsustainable and unreasonable demands on us exceed what we are capable of doing. 

I was where you are now a year ago, but had it much easier as I was retired, the kids were grown, and the finances were under control.  I could see the writing on the wall, as my ex and I couldn't agree on even my basic medical care, communications nearly stopped, and the 'house rules' and demands became steadily worse.  Once we had decided to go our separate ways my mental state immediately improved, with the removal of much of the distress I had felt.

I'm not going to advocate for any particular solution or path for you.  I just want you to know that this current state you are in, while bad, is temporary, and once a definite resolution decided and you are moving toward it, your distress will be reduced significantly.

Thanks Michelle. I do try to remember it is just a stage of life.

Today has gone better than expected. I forgot my SS card but the bankrupcy trustee took a copy the lawyer had made in their office as proof. Whew was all I could think. Otherwise we would be rescheduled further out. Its progressing as we expected. The trustee is not going out of her way to take everything she can like the lawyer says some of them do.

After court my wife and I had lunch together. The tenseness faded and we got along well. We both drove to her place as either way I was supposed to get the kids to take to the farm for the weekend. We had another long good talk. We may have a snowballs chance in hell yet.  :)

Only time will tell. So tomorrow we will each drive to the farm. She plans on being there untill Sunday night when she and the kids will drive back to her place. The kids have a dr appointment for school checkups Monday. The test may be when next week starts.

Well its been a bit since I wrote here.

Lets see, my SO did not drive back to the farm that weekend. But by Sunday she was texting me how she regretted us loosing the relationship we once had. The problem is we haven't been in that place for most of our marriage. Since the first lost pregnancy we had, things have been broken. I drove the kids back on Sunday and spent the night. Later in the week I ended up spending a few nights there between work jobs. Most of the time when I'm there things seem OK. but when I leave things go downhill quickly. She did tell me that she wanted to find a new sexual partner. That was something I was not surprised by. Seeing as how she is extremely sexual and really only feels affection through sex and I am nearly asexual right now. Sex has always been a problem for us as I never had the sex drive as a man that she expected from me. From my point of view a lot of our issues stem from what she expects verses what I really am. I'm sure see has different observations, its just my side of the story.

Wednesday I went to my therapist in the afternoon. I got a late day appointment so I could get to group in St. Louis that evening. This was only the third time I was able to go to group after trying a number of times. Funny how my wife called a few times in the afternoon that day. I don't think its a conscious thing but she seems to find a way to pick a fight every Wednesday. I managed to avoid any negativity this day though. Before heading out I got all dolled up for me anyway. Eyeliner, mascara, foundation, and a bit of color shading. It covers my shadow now much better. I had my favorite tennis shoes, a nice low rise pair of jeans with boot cut legs, and a black form fit tee. I felt good. Did my hair as best I could. I tried not to get it too wet in the shower as that makes the waviness impossible to tame when it drys. After group a bunch of the girls go to a coffee shop down in the Central West End area. Its totally trans and queer friendly. It was awesome hanging out. I got to know some of the girls better. The biggest thing I realized the next morning is that from the moment I parked my pickup on the street, I did not think about what other people would think of me. I was literally just me, just Josie all night. This was the first time I have ever walked down a sidewalk and not had some kind of anxiety about people. I got home after 12. I did talk to her on the phone afterwards. Nothing serious went wrong in that call either.

I woke up yesterday "happy" for the first time in I don't know how long. I took my time getting ready to drive for a work job. I almost forgot to take off my clear nail polish. So here's where things go badly. She calls while I'm driving. Starts out good. I told her I might drive down for the weekend if it rains here. She said she had planned on driving up to the farm. My response was "Oh". Well I often lack enthusiasm. The response was apparently supposed to be excitement. So next started the questions, the old passive aggressive patterns where I have no answer that can satisfy her hurt feelings over her expectations. This goes on. I tell her that I am feeling like I cannot meet her expectations. She says "you always say that" followed by a series of statements and negative leading questions that had no answer. I finally gave up. I said I couldn't do this right now and I needed some emotional space for safety's sake. There were a few texts mostly sent my way during the day.
In the afternoon I got a call from the urologist's office. I have been trying to see about an orchidectomy as I was doubtful of when I might ever save for GCS. Well my insurance was an absolute nothing and the self pay cost could pay for GCS in Thailand. The urologist actually would only charge $550 but the best estimate the could give to pay for the hospital OR and anestethia was $15000. I was crushed by this.

Today I am staying at home. I am reading an excellent book sent to me by Kendra. Thanks again  :D. I have to drive to the town my wife lives in this afternoon to pick up my kids for the weekend. That's it for now. Just trying to recover from this weeks insanity.

Quote from: josie76 on July 14, 2017, 10:13:33 AM
> This was the first time I have ever walked down a sidewalk and not had some kind of anxiety about people.

Josie you nailed a major accomplishment!  I believe once you have experienced this, part of you has changed forever for the better. 

The negatives are unfortunate but you continue to handle all of this remarkably well.  I believe the situation with your SO will improve one way or another, and most importantly you are close to your children.  As for the bad news on potential cost of surgery, never say never - your situation (and insurance) may change. 

Please enjoy this weekend!  And when you can, go rock your dolled up look again.  You deserve to feel good. 

Yeah, my hats off to you Josie on how you are handling all of this. A lot of your relationship reminds me of a former gf I had. She loved to play all these manipulation/power games to get what she wanted. Just couldn't take it and the drama that came with it anymore even though I really loved her. Of course you having kids makes it a little different. You're doing a great job with all of it. Keep going through the hard times and savor the good times!

I appreciate the support. I really do.

My family has all been awesome about everything. My mom just wants her kids to be happy and we have been having a few mother daughter talks on weekends if I get the time. My older brother has that whole feeling protective of me now. My younger brother just plain could care less either way. My mother-in-law is great. Only thing is she has started to get critical of me just like she is of my wife. It's like to her I automatically switched to her daughter in law. My grandma just said she would always love me and that she wished I could have found someone to talk to about this along time ago and not suffered quietly for years. My grandpa, him I will never tell. I worked with him farming his farm for many years. He is old German and just would not get it. He is accepting of my older brothers boyfriend though as he knows it makes my brother happy. He is very forgetful now and most days cannot hear anything so he is often in his own world. He does look at me funny these days like he's not Shure if I am me or someone else. With earrings and longer hair, I get it. My stepson doesn't care and my daughters generally love the new me. My stepson told my cousin about me early on when they were working together. That bothered me some. My cousin said one of the mom's from the Catholic school our kids were at asked him one day about me being trans. He told his mom and brother I'm sure. The first family get together his older brother would not even look at me. The next one though he was talking to me again. His wife and my aunt interact differently with me now. They make a point to include me in the women's conversation. My uncle hasn't actually spoken to me since. Not that I see him all that often. Guys are just so much more weirded out by the whole idea of being trans.

So I have no idea how far the local small town rumor mill has run. Last winter I did go many times to the McD drive through with nail polish on. A couple of the school mom's did seem to avoid me while others do not at all. The dad's do but I never got to know any of them anyway. Our kids are going to go to the larger school in my wife's town this year so I have a whole new but distant church I have to find myself comfortable in somehow. I do not know how those people will take me. It is another hour plus further from the metro area. I can't say I'm comfortable there as I have not seen so many Baptist churches in one town except down in AR.

Kendra I finished the book. I don't know how to thank you enough!  :) Reading that really has given me hope. So many things she experienced in her relationship with her wife I have felt in mine. Parts of her story literally felt like my life in recent months. I hope my wife and I can reach the point that the author and hers have.


So again last week has been tumultuous. There was no anger this time. At one point I could not see how we could be a "couple" as she wanted. At least not right now. There has been way to much hurt and we both respond in codependent  ways to the other. She said she didn't think she could stand to be "sisters" or "friends". That seemed like it. There was nothing else to say except she said she could not stand to be around me in person for the time being. That we should exchange the kids through her mom. That was killer. I understood best I could. I drove home to the farmhouse trying not to cry too much as the kids were in the pickup right next to me.

A couple of days later she started texting me again. I had been posting song lyrics on FB that felt right to me. She asked what one in particular meant. It was lyrics from "Its not my Time" by 3 doors down. I told her the song just felt like where I was. Regretting the loss of our beginning, feeling pulled under by the current of life, but despite my fears I don't want to give up. She said she didn't either. She said she had been sorting her feelings and really wanted nothing but to spend her life with me. Even if sexuality is off the table for good.

We are back in good graces. God I so hope it stays like this. I don't know if I will ever be a sexual person. That has always been an issue for us, she is. I know I love her. I know I want to be with her. I just know I cannot take any more ups and downs right now for my own safety.

Josie, people here - and you - have helped me so much, it's the least I can do. 

(In case anyone is curious and didn't spot it earlier in this thread, the book is She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan).

You and your wife might reach the same place or you might not, but knowing what others have experienced helps show what is possible.  Or you might head into a completely different, creative solution over time.  My fingers are crossed things work out for you.  It's more than luck - you have already handled so much, so well, I firmly believe you are going to succeed. 

I was married for a while to a guy who turned out to be bipolar.

His wild personality swings were baffling since he didn't remember anything from one personality shift to the other. In one, he loved me, begged us to stay together, in the next moment he didn't remember that and was accusing me of trying to kill the "entire world."

I loved him, but there was no way we could stay together, since he could suddenly change in the middle of a sentence. Of course he didn't think anything was wrong with him.

Well here it's been a while again since I wrote anything. Life has been tumultuous to say the least. On one hand my wife and my relationship is doing better. I hurt my back at work again, second time in less than a year now. For nearly a week I spend most of my time laying down. Sitting and standing are difficult and extremely painful. Turn out according to the local radiologist that my lower disc is still showing degeneration and the rear facet joints are in real bad shape. My days of doing physical work are likely done. I know even if the pain lets up(it's been hurting 24/7) that I will not risk this again. I've done some physical therapy but they are focusing on muscles and tendons and ignoring their own radiologist report about the joint damage. Eh just plain sucks right now.

So living at my wife's apartment has made us closer again. But, then today she started back on wondering if my sexual attraction would change, as she had been reading >-bleeped-< again. She said she doesn't want to put years in with me with a romantic mindset and then find I like something else. I can't even contemplate this all right now. For now I'm basically asexual. Add to that having severe testicular pains.... I went to a urologist who had my testicles sonogramed. No issues seen. She gave me an RX for an older antidepressant that also works to lessen neural pain. It has helped. Still have aching but don't feel the crippling ball pain. Still don't know if it's testicular atrophy or not. She actually said pain like that is not uncommon.

Ok so funny note. She entered two diagnostic codes. One for pain and another for penile atrophy. I wasn't expecting that one. Now I know why she asked how long I had been on HRT a second time.

Anyway, laying on the couch in pain.  :-\ gotta make more calls tomorrow and get to see an orthopedic surgeon to look at my two sets of X-rays. I feel it's bad enough that I may have to look into disability of some sort. I don't know. After I talk with a surgeon I'll. Have a better idea of my options but right now I also have to check on a possible hernia repair reopening. Radiologist report said that might be happening too.

Well if I wasn't on HRT I'm pretty sure. I'd be extremely depressed right now. Strangely I'm in pain but not to depressed. Laying on a couch while my kids watch Scooby Doo 2 movie.

Oh, Josie... back pain, that sounds terrible.  And pain down there.  I am really glad you are not feeling depressed with all this - and you are spending time with your kids.  Hope you can get some consistency and more understanding with your wife. 

Dear diary, oh wait Susan's Place,

Well I'm still layed up from my back injury. After hiring a work comp lawyer I was able to get my care switched to an orthopedic clinic. I got an actual doctors appointment! Yea! Ok so back up a step here. Workers comp sucks. Ok now that that's been said. I was willing to pay $200 myself to just get a consultation with an orthopedic doctor. But the lady at the registration desk said I had better not. She said I needed to go back to my lawyer and have him help get my care switched. Otherwise, you guessed it, an insurance catch 22.
If you pay for a second opinion yourself, the workers comp insurance will think you are trying to go around their system and start looking for fraud. Then, if later you need your regular insurance coverage they will want to deny anything because either you were willing to self pay before or it should have been work comp and you ( into this case I) end up paying for everything.
Did I say workers comp sucks?

So long story short my lawyer came through. The new doctor, (OMG and actual doctor not a PA) gave me an actual diagnosis, had another 4 X-rays taken, and wants to have an MRI done. He already prescribed another 5 weeks of physical therapy and a back brace. Oh and actually prescribed anti-inflammatory medication. Of course I dropped that off with the work comp insurance almost 2days ago and the pharmacy still hasn't gotten approval.  :(

Now I wait. Wait for WC approval for meds, wait for WC approval for an MRI. Go to physical therapy 3 times a week for stretches and heating applications.

On the plus side I don't have to spend every minute of every day lying on the couch. I can sit and stand for a while with less pain. Riding in a car for more than 20 minutes still hurts like hell. I lifted a laundry basket today. Not going to try that again soon!  :o
But staying at my wife's apartment has been nice. We are getting along much better now. It has lasted longer than any time the peace has lasted for at least the previous 5 months.

Unexpectedly positive thing today. While sitting on the bumper of our pickup while the kids were taking laundry into the laundromat, a guy asked me about the electronics manufacturer decals on the side of our truck. I have been selling agriculture related electronics on my own for a few years now. Nothing big time but some added income. So turns out he has some of this brand equipment in a sprayer he and his dad have for their farm. I talked with him a while about it.
So the unexpectedly positive part. My hair is longer than in my avatar picture. I had on orange Nikes with hot pink swooshes on them. My earrings in, a silver chain necklace, of course the pendant was u dear my tee shirt. Oh, my hair, yes the last hair color was a few shades different. Ferris number R48. It's a deep purple hue red with slightly metallic undertones. My forearms are hairless and my nails are grown out enough with filed and polished tops. No paint type polish, just polished until smooth and shiny. Now I definately don't fit right in my old work jeans I had on anymore and despite my fatty belly my boobs are not really hiding from people's notice either.

So, is there a chance I might be able to continue in this agriculture electronics business? I had assumed not given ag and rural people being a bit more religious biased, but maybe?

Leaves me pondering my future for sure. One thing I'm pretty sure of now, is that I'm not going to ever be able to do heavy line repair work again. There's no fixing a bad back that allows returning to that work really.

PS
Oh yeh, forgot another fun aspect, hurt back and caught a nasty summer chest cold. Cough cough cough cough, not good on a hurt back. Sigh  ???

PPS
Got my HRT refilled. Asked and got doctor to switch my medroxyprogesterone over to micronized bioidenticle progesterone. Happy about that switch.

All in all I'm still in a strangely good mood. As long as the pain doesn't kick in so much as to make me cry. That has happened a few times but better these last few days.

Hey Josie,

  Laurie here. I just read your thread from start to finish for the first time. I was going to apologize but I checked the dates and discovered this all started just after I started my road trip and well, I was a bit preoccupied with my own adventures of self discovery and I cannot feel sorry about that. Yes, I know it sounds a bit selfish but it is what it is,
  I do wish I had been following your, as you put it tumultuous, story. My gosh, saying you have had your ups and downs is an understatement. You my girl, have been up, down, twisted front and back, in forward and in reverse almost every time you talked to your wife with your daughters thrown in for leverage.  The toll upon you must have been horrendous and yet as Kendra says.. (I hate giving her credit (green with jealousy)) you have been handling it with astounding aplomb. Well, okay, the stress of it does show through a bit but you really have done well, much better than I think I would have. And you are right to attribute some of the calm in the face of fire, to the miracles of HRT. Even I can see where it has has some effect on me and my life is a whole lot less of an ordeal than yours.
  So well done Josie, well done. Keep it up. I will also be looking to keep an eye on your story.

((HUGE HUGS))
  Laurie

I say go for it on the ag electronic business! There's all kinds of people in every big group. I grew up on a farm a couple of states away from you so pretty similar. 85% of the people you're gonna come across just care about how genuine you are with them and how you treat them. Plus most of the people who might give you problems are the ones who believe they don't need any "computers" to farm. If you know your stuff and treat people well then you'll do great.


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Josie your determination is starting to pay off!  You still have challenges but so much great news here.  Very glad your home situation has stabilized.  And with your experience in that field, you could do quite well with that type of business. 

I cannot say just how awesome it feels to have your girls' support.  ;D
I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. Sometimes that is what a girl needs.

Well one thing that has been happening more lately, women especially are being careful not to identify me. Like yesterday I took,y oldest daughter to a counseling session. We just met the counselor. She made sure when talking about getting the family involved she said things like "mom and you" to me. She avoided saying dad. Also noticed the physical therapists tend to not call my name when they come get me. They just make sure to look for me and say come on back. I see that as a good thing. Also my wife walked past while I was reading on this forum last night. She saw my avatar and said "you look cute. Wait is that you?". So cool there. On the negative without my shirt on she noticed I now have saggy arms. She said I looked just like a girl there now. Not a positive for her, but she likes my breasts, so we are still working it all out. Interestingly she has come to the conclusion she is likely gender fluid or non binary, depending on how you look at it. For a woman she is sort of masculine. She has an aggressive assertive personality, much more than I have ever been. She gets along with other women one on one but can't stand to be in a group for long. She used to like hanging out with guys in high school, but can't stand guys sexist ways either. I think this left her lonely for a lot of her life. She doesn't ever have a question that she is female, but she cannot fit into most female behavior patterns. SO likely why we got together in the first place. What's difficult is that she is strongly attracted to very masculine type guys sexually. She's also very smart though always was an underachiever so most macho guys are way too dumb for her to stand. I was a deviation from her old physical attraction norm to begin with. I was muscled but not at all buff. She said she thought I was a skinny guy. Seems funny now. On the other hand we understood each other much more mentally.

I'm not sure where I was even going with that thought line. Maybe just that we still have to see how much attraction she will have toward me the more my body morphs. I know we both want to be with each other emotionally and mentally. I just don't know if that will be enough for her physically.

Well seems this is turning into a medical log more than anything these days, Ehh?

Back pain is returned with a furry.  :( Last Friday the physical therapist had me try a couple of balance exercises sitting on a ball. It all seemed OK but abacus an hour later the pain was coming on strong again. I think the balancing while lifting a leg made me work my lower spine too much and reagrivated my joint injury.

At least I have seen a REAL doctor now. I am getting an MRI later today and return to see the doctor on Friday. The MRI should let him see what damage is done for certain. I still don't have and nerve tingling so he said there's low chance of it being a herniated disc. Still likely facet joint damage or another word OsteoArthritus. Yuck! Hate that word. This darn chest cold is still haunting me this week. Coughing doesn't help with back pain.  :P

Well on the plus side my testicular pains seem much reduced. I have noticed a little sometimes but nothing disabling. The urologist gave me an older antidepressant that also works on neurological pain. It helps. I also got a o see the recent testicular sonogram and the one done back in 2013. Funny how I don't remember why they did the one back in 2013? I remember getting it done but don't remember the PA that ordered it, weird? Anyway both of my testicles are around 1 full cm shorter and narrower now than they were in 2013. So I guess testicular atrophy is likely the pain cause.

Something shocked me looking into the mirror the other day. I was about to get into the shower and standing there naked I saw the shape of a woman's body! WOW HAPPY DAYS! Ok so my shape doesn't always quite show through wearing big tee shirts and men's jeans but the outline is there. I can see it progressing.  :D

I got to see the doctor today and review my MRI.  So back pain is caused by 2 herniated discs. One pressing on my nerves. Sucks. Also found out apparently I have congenital spinal lumbar stenosis. Basically just that my spinal canal is narrower than average in the lower part of my spine. Doc said its nothing except it makes less room for my nerves with the disc bulging out. That and my facet joints that keep the spine aligned are worn badly with bone spurs built up. Can you say Yea. :(

Anyway on a positive note. Perhaps this injury will speed my escape from male life expectations and provide a key to my freedom. A girl can hope.

Oh wait! When I was in line at the doctors office for checkin the girl working one side called me forward by saying MAM!  :D On the other side in a waiting room full of people they call me back by announcing my legal (male given) name. Ehh still getting closer to the real me.

Your spine condition sounds medically bad but it's good to have identified the exact cause of your back pain... at least that helps with potential solutions or workarounds. 

I have a weak back although not as serious as yours, and that is my only health issue.  I am four inches (10cm) shorter than I was in college. Peer-reviewed research from Germany in 2016 showing MTF HRT halted and then slightly reversed the effects of bone density loss and osteoporosis.  The control group without HRT and other populations did not show a significant halt or reversal under the same conditions.

Cool you were gendered correctly.  I imagine some clinics rely on legal names, but I was pleasantly surprised when the medical center for my GP and endocrinologist asked me if I had a preferred name for communications.  I didn't even ask - they offered to do this when I made a followup appointment after telling my GP I am transgender.  They send bills to my legal name, but for all appointments and waiting room etc. they only use my future name. 

That's a reassuring study. Cool. At least I might grow old and not break a hip! Lol
Actually it is good. One thing these back injuries have done is give me so much more information about my body. Even though I'm 5-11 my hip socket size is small for a male skeleton and on the large end of females ( yep I'm an Amazon ) Basically for a man it would be right if I was short and petite. For a woman my size it's about the norm. Weird huh. There might also be some correlation to my back injury. Well besides working myself half to death that is. My sacrum is angled nearly 80 degrees from verticle with me flat on the CT scan table. Makes the compression on the lowest discs maybe worse with all the heavy lifting I've done. An average male pelvis the sacrum sits at more like 60-65 degrees from verticle.

Anyway I'm feeling more and more pleased with my HRT results. Except for eating too much and adding belly fat, ehh. But my lower legs have thinned as have my forearms. My SO noticed to her unpleasant surprise that my upper arms are flabby just like a girls. While I don't want flabby arms it was still a positive for me.

The kids and I just drove back to the farm house this evening. The drive was excruciating at times for me. I just wanted to spend a few days at the house we built. I also have a doctor appointment in St. Louis next week. I'm still going to try to find out what the urologists' price for self pay orchi would be. In the mean time still fighting this cough. Went to urgent care and was given an antibiotic. They said an upper respiratory infection is running around this summer.

Just an update on me.

Well seems like I just crossed the barrier to livng FULL TIME.
I didn't know when it was going to feel right. Over the last few weeks I just kinda quit hiding even down here in southern central IL. My kids started school at the Catholic grade school here where my wife got her school apartment. I wasn't here for their first open house night. My wife took both the kids teachers aside and explained I was transgender. They were both fine with it. So the other day I had to pick the kids up. This requires walking from a parking lot, across to the blacktop between the old school buildings and the church. It's where all the kids come out. I was in a playground full of other parents and grandparents picking up their kids. I met both teachers. Really nice. So there I am, 5-11 and in my orange tennies, Levi's 515 boot cut jeans, and a tee shirt that while not strech fit, was small enough my boobs we're in now way hidden. Longer hair in a red color. A couple of me looked once at me and then looked away. I noticed the mom's didn't even pause their conversations when I was standing near them.

Unfortunately my older daughter in 3rd grade was acting weird. Back at the car I asked her. Turns out she feels kinda embarrassed by me. She said no one ever said anything but she said it was just uncomfortable for her. This part sucks. Because I am full dress at all times now. Yeh I might wear a tee shirt but that's as close to man clothes as I go. Anyway I've had great reactions from all the medical people I've dealt with down here. Considering how many doctors appointment and even a couple ER visits now.

So my back pain is getting worse. After the second visit to the ER. I now have a Rx for something that is supposed to null nerve pain. Another steroid to help shrink the cartalige. Been off no real help. If I walk 50 feet I almost collapse. One dic is pressing onto my spinal cord. Pain runs down my leg and sometimes the leg gets weak. Work comp took a week to approve possible Le spine shots. The adjuster only approved it because I sent a slightly angry email. The orthopedic doctor said I need a surgery but work comp will try shots first. So now I have no further treatment untill 2 weeks from now when I get to see a pain doctor for an "evaluation" to see if he thinks I need a shot. If the shot provides relief then this whole process gets extended. The doctor said with this herniated disc, the chances are I might get relief from a few hours to a few months, but the herniation will not go away. Then my employer put me on FMLA leave. This gives 12 weeks to recover. After that I am unemployed. By the time I see the pain doctor it will already be 6 weeks.

Oh after the last ER trip I actually slept through the night untill 5am. That's the first time I have had a nights sleep since I got hurt. It was due to the doctor having pity on me and giving me what the nurse said was a large dose of morphine. I didnt stop the pain but I either took the edge off or just knocked me out. Not sure.

Have I said I hate work comp!?

My heart goes out for you for having to deal with the pain on top of everything else. My wife has been dealing with chronic pain from her twisted up back for about 15 years now.

You might be one of those people like my wife where morphine does not really work all that well on. After a couple of surgeries now we try to tell the staff and docs that but to no avail. Demoral is what works great for her. But we get the same same line from the doctors & nurses that the manager of the local supermarket told us about this one (quite popular) tea they stopped having on the shelf. "They don't that anymore"

 Hi Josie,

  Hey! Congrats on going full time! I'm not sure if the impetus for it is  a good thing though. Back pain, drugs, the prospect of impending unemployment, That all does sound very good to me. I'm sorry you are having to deal with it all. (hugs) But hey, girl, you're full time! it is likely to be a little rough at first as you get used to it, sure. (I have a little personal knowledge of this you know?) But as you do get more used to it you begin to get more comfortable in your own skin with it. I think that is the best part of my going full time. I'm seeing and feeling a transition from trying to become a woman to being a woman. It's little things like beginning to feel like I belong in the women's departments in stores and chatting more with women. Oh it's more polite small talk but it's a completely different dynamic than I've ever experienced before. It's chatting with my doctor's nurse about our nails and polish. You now have these things to look forward to because you yourself are changing into one of them. This realization of it happening to me was almost mind blowing.
  Well, Josie I'm sure you will keep us up to date with what happens in your journey. I'm wishing you well with your difficulties and am sure you;ll come out better for them.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

I see it's been a while since I last updated this thread.

Back injury has been worse as time went on. It got to where sitting on the couch or a chair and leaning forward was the only way to get some relief. Went to see the rehab doctor. He read the MRI radiology report then went ahead and checked me over. He was describing all the checks he was doing to a med student who was there. When he push d on my big toes my right one went down. He said that is definately an L5 issue. After the exam part he said "congratulations you have the real thing". He said about 60% of people with back complaints come in there with pulled muscles or regular joint wear not a herniated disc. So he is submitting for approval for an ESI Spinal shot. I go back next week. I hope he has the approval by then.

Prhysical therapy put me in the pool the other day for the first time. Floating with a foam float around me allowed some things to decompress. It did make a difference some. I needed that.

So right now I cannot lie down to sleep. I find some half sitting position where I can support my head on some stacked pillows on the couch. I'll nod off and a hour or 2 later I will wake up because the pain in my leg. I've been going on 2-3 hours of sleep a day now for a few weeks.

My nerve pain is constant. It does let up a bit from now and again. Because it's pushing on those nerves. My leg hurts, my Lower leg feels like the muscles are cramping, my ankle feels like I twist it every time I put weight on it. The toes and top of my foot go numb. I have not stood up straight in all the 6 weeks now. I have to lean forward and left just to stand and walk.

Sometimes the constant pain gets so intense I start to wonder if it's even worth living through this all. An old friend on Facebook told me someone at his work had a similar situation and work comp insurance kept him on the get a shot then wait stage for a full year before they approved surgery to cut out the herniated cartalidge. I'm not sure I can make it that long.

My wife and I have been basically getting along for now so at least I have that.

Josie,  I'm sorry you're suffering so much at the moment,  but at least it sounds like the doctors might be able to help matters now they know where the issue is. Good to hear things between you and your partner are at least amicable.
Keep strong honey. X

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Thanks Megan

If it had not been a work injury and I was paying with my private insurance, I would have had the surgery already and would not be suffering the nerve pain already. That is what is so frustrating. They know what's wrong. Workers comp insurance gets to dictate what level of medical care I get on their time table not mine or the doctors.


I forgot to add the good parts. I went to my second laser session down here this last week. It was a different kind of laser. This one was placed right on my skin and she could overlap every pulse. It was excruciatingly painful to lay on the table but I supported my back with my hands under me and pushed through it. I wanted that facial hair burnt off and I wasn't going to let the pain stop me. I just hope this laser proves as effective as the last treatment I got. It worked really well where it hit. With that one the doctor had to hold the laser away from my face by a distance. So it left cleared circles and uncleared areas between.

I had a couple of good things happen in the last few days. First the kids and I went back to our farmhouse for the weekend. Got to visit with my mom a bit while the kids were running back and forth between our house and my grandparents had use next door. Well Monday my older brother and his partner came over to visit everyone. They took some time to visit at my house mainly because I'm still not wanting to walk too far from the couch. They were showing me the photos they had taken for their upcoming wedding on one of their phones. There was one that struck me. The two of them were looking into each other's eyes and I could just see the love and happiness. I let out an "oooooo" to which I heard my brother say "Oh Geez". Now in the old days I often made little sarcastic remarks to my older brother. Kind of just a sibling thing. So thinking he thought I was doing that I turned my eyes up toward him and said "I was being serious". He responded, "I know you were". I must have had more facial expression when I let out the Ooo because the picture was so cute. His "Oh geez" response was to me being a girl about their pictures! If that's not reaffirming I don't know what is.  ;D

Second thing happened today. I drove my mother-in-law to one of her doctors so she could talk about a medicine she was on. While she was talking about wether she could get a 90 day or only a 30 day supply she told them that she doesn't always have the ability to get to the doctor. They asked who drove her today and she replied my daughter-in-law. When she told me that in the car it gave me the biggest smile. She had said it without even thinking.

Hi Josie,

  Both your stories were cool to have happen. Brother's aren't always bad and neither are the dreaded mother in laws. There are actually some good ones out there and it looks like you have a couple.

laurie

Just a life update,

The kids are pretty settled into their new school here. My oldest no longer says she feels embarrassed about me. That is a huge relief right now.

My wife on the other hand I'm not always certain of. I mean I am kinda forcing her to be a lesbian. We went to the local Dollar General last night. My leg was hurting bad by the end of our once around the store. In the checkout line she rubbed my arm because she saw me hurting then kinda backed off. In the car she said she didn't know how people saw me and wasn't to sure about appearing as a lesbian couple in public. The clerk was nice and told us "you two have a nice evening". Seemed like she saw us and had no trouble with it. IDK. My wife has a out lesbian in her class at college here. We are also just a town away from a state University. Just leaves me wondering if we can ever settle into being just us again.

On the medical front: it's been nearly 8 weeks since I got hurt. Despite having seen a couple of doctors, 2trips to the ER for the pain, having a number of X-rays and an MRI, I have had no actual treatment aside fro physical therapy which every time they try to advance it only leaves me debilitated for days afterward. I've seen the spinal rehabilitation doctor twice. He requested to give me an epidural steroid injection shot, an orthopedic doctor and surgeon twice, my first actual doctor I was allowed to see after being injured and having to get a lawyer involved, and as of today the workers comp insurance has not yet approved a ESI shot. Both doctors prescribed some meds. The orthopedic doctor gave me an oral steroid and the rehab doctor upped my dose of gabapentin, a nerve mulling medicine, to the max, 2700 mg per day.

Still waiting for some relief. Uuhgggg.

I think your wife showing compassion for your physical pain is a very strong signal.  When she pulled back, that just means she is still getting used to priorities and figuring out whether arbitrary social expectations are more important than love, your relationship and family.  The answer will take time for her, just as your oldest child is now much more accepting than before.  Heading the right way.

Feeling a bit better. That high dose of gabapentin(2700mg day) must be doing its thing. The numbness in my foot is less and the leg pain drops when I'm not standing or walking. On the negative side, it affects all nerves in the body so I'm a bit clumsy and off balance now. I slept on my side on the couch last night! Like actually laying down! You have no idea what a perk that feels like right about now. My lawyer called to tell me the work comp insurance adjuster said he faxed an approval for the ESI shot to the doctors office. Still waiting for an appointment time to get it done. I hope hope hope this will reduce the disc swelling. I go see the work comp required second orthopedic surgeon for a third opinion tomorrow. Funny how I have a diagnosis by one ortho doctor with the MRI to prove it. This doctor did his fellowship in orthopedic surgery at John Hopkins. And I have a clinical based diagnosis from the spinal rehabilitation docotor. That exam was not fun at all! But now the insurance company needs another doctor's diagnosis. Getting old right about now.

Life events, more cheery I promise.  :)

So the last few weeks I pick up the kids from school by waiting until most parents have left and pulling up to the edge of the playground. I don't/can't get out and walk up to the teachers to collect my kids because of the pain. Simply can't walk that much. Well yesterday I forgot it was an early dismissal for a teacher conference. So my kids got to play with the other latchkey kids. They enjoyed it. I knew I had made a mistake when I rounded the corner and saw almost now cars on the street or parking lot at 3 when the kids normally get out.  ::)

So I pull up next to the playground and get out knowing I'll have to sign them out. I saw my oldest and asked her to collect her sister. I sat on a gaurd rail to relieve my leg. My oldest went and told one of the after school teachers AIDS that her "dad" is here. She looked around a bit so I had to raise my hand so she knew who I was.  :P The teacher aid told me I needed to go inside and sign them out. This involves a short stair down and walking down a hall to the cafeteria. As we were walking she said a lot of parents seemed to forget the early dismissal today. Well at least I wasn't the only one.  :D So while I'm signing mine out, a dad of another little girl was talking just a bit with the teachers aid. His kid said she had to go to the bathroom. As she headed toward the hall the teacher aid said the one close was the boys room and she needed to go down the hall. About then the dad says, "Yeah you don't want to go into the wrong....". He stopped right there I suppose due to my presence in the room. Did I mention this is a Catholic Church school. Kinda funny. I heard it all but never looked up from what I was doing which was looking for my kids names on the sign out sheet. I would say everyone at the church knows about me for sure now. I guess that's a good thing. I can't hide my boobs under two shirts anymore.  ;D

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. Just about a week shy of a year since coming to terms with myself and being open with my family about it. It seems so long ago already. Life continues at its normal slow pace.

Medically I received a spine epidural steroid shot. That was nearly two weeks ago. They said I should have some relief by now on the herniated disc. I'm not sure that it has helped. My foot is still numb and I still require that high dose of nerve surpressent to function. I gained a sharp pain in my back from the injection site to partly down the nerve toward my leg. So technically it is a bit worse than before.

Mentally I'm fatuiged. A week ago my wife and I had some disagreement. She doesn't like me telling her about talking with other women. Kinda reminds me of earlier in our relationship. Sometimes it seemed like she needed to control my time and I found it hard to visit with my family. She says she doesn't want to limit me. We talked about a breakup again. Ok maybe some yelling, some insults mostly headed my way. She told me she thought all of our oldest daughters anger was because of loosing her dad. She started on the, I lied from the beginning and I killed her husband thing. It's not been easy just keeping the peace. Right now things are calm but this weekend similar things came up just more cool headed. Right now I have to stay here at her apartment. My current rehabilitation is here for my injury. I am responsible for the kids getting to school and picking them up while she is in school. I have to be the homework helper and at times the cook. Even if , I have to stay here for them. There are plenty of times I wished I could be back home in the house we built and not here.

At least the kids seem to be doing well.

Quote from: josie76 on October 16, 2017, 07:47:52 AM
> At least the kids seem to be doing well.

That's very important.  All the pain and distractions are not good, but kids form impressions for the long haul and you are doing consistently great in that department. 

Yes you are very right Kendra.

Had a good day today. I went with my wife and mother in law to this little local place that serves free lunch. It's a charity thing with an attached thrift store. The nice thing was I wore a bit of makeup and my hair up in a ponytail. As we walked through we were treated to good afternoon ladies. That was nice. I think I mostly passed with just a few questioning looks. The older lady that brought us food later kept away from me when she picked up dishes but I think my voice is what gave me away.

You look great in your updated avatar!

Yeah my voice gets in my way.  I have been working on it and wow this ain't easy.  I'm finding voice is like learning the basics of a new language - I have to do all the work.  At least with electrolysis I don't have to do anything but try to not kick or bite.

Thanks Kendra. I know I'm likely my worst critic. lol

Well I just did it. The big one. I outed myself on Facebook. There is no hiding in my old life blankets anymore. Everyone from old work and business associates in three states know by the end of the day. The rumor mills will be turning overtime.

I'll be going to my 4th laser next week. The dark hairs are really thinning now.

Quote from: josie76 on October 19, 2017, 11:35:19 AM
Thanks Kendra. I know I'm likely my worst critic. lol

Well I just did it. The big one. I outed myself on Facebook. There is no hiding in my old life blankets anymore. Everyone from old work and business associates in three states know by the end of the day. The rumor mills will be turning overtime.

I'll be going to my 4th laser next week. The dark hairs are really thinning now.

Wow! Happy for you. I do hope you have positive reactions. X

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Hi Josie,

  I wouldn't worry too much about the FB coming out. For me it was anticlimactic. Those who expressed support and those that have faded away no real negative feedback at all. Most were supportive. The one that did let me know she and her husband  could not accept me as Laurie did hurt some as I have been friends with them through a lot of crap including my divorce and the aftermath of it and a couple of other  bad happenings. I crashed and went through the worst 2 years of my life then including being suicidal. I have know them for almost 40 years.
  Other than that  no one except my daughter and SIL has said a negative things about me post FB reveal. You are likely to experience something similar. I deactivated my FB account a couple weeks ago not from FB issues by in a bit of depression stinking thinking. I've been thinking of reactivating it again only because my deactivating it has caused my friends to become concerned for me. I have always disliked FB but you cannot beat it for keeping in touch with friends. I have lots of friends and support here on Susan's but I do feel I've been neglecting those on FB. Sometime you can't win for losing.
  Anyway, Josie, I hope you actions there are a complete non-issue.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thankfully my social media coming out was just anti-climactic. One old work customer said it was really brave putting myself out there and he would not let this change our friendship. That was great to see. Another gave me a thumbs up. So far I haven't seen anyone disappear from my friends list. I actually did expect some to leave when they do see it. As of this morning, even the Baptist minister at the southern tip of the state is still there and he was active yesterday.

I think it was not a complete surprise by this point. In the last year I have added a dozen or so very openly trans friends. Most are part of the local support group. Anyway Yesterday in that posting I told a bunch of my hometown church and old high school friends about my true self. I think the rumors started last winter when I wore nail polish a number of times while going through the McDonald's drive through. At least one lady from the church liked my post and comments. So now everyone is going to know for certain. It'll be interesting to see how that develops. We only drive home on the weekends right now so not likely I'll see anyone but family anytime soon. And they all knew and were supportive except perhaps my uncle. But his wife and my cousins don't seem to have any issues. The older of my cousins did the first family get together. I wasn't openly being me then but his younger brother had told him. The next get together he was fine with me, back to normal.

Hey Josie,

  I'm glad to read that your big reveal was a bust reaction wise. In my book that is a very good thing. Keep the light burning on your dreams and take another step toward your goal.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I'd like to make a preemptive defense on the continuing saga of my character assassination.

I am Josie's wife. I come to this forum from time to time to look at the significant others thread. Admittedly, I am digging a bit deep here and this is a violation of my wifes privacy. I sensed that my wife's perception of me was low and needed to see proof.

Why, because ending a relationship you didn't want to lose is excruciatingly hard. In my case, neither staying married nor divorcing is a good solution. I too am stuck in my own catch 22. Losing the dreams I had of growing old with my best friend and lover has been agonizing.

But I digress.

I am bi polar, I do have bad relationship habits. Heck, I even have an extra helping of character flaws. Yes, we have had a helter skelter type of love. I'm not going to debate Josie's perceptions. Even if I disagree they are her truths and they are valid. What I would like to do is illustrate that there is always another side.
When it is all said and done I want my story told too. This is my final chapter in Josie's story and I want her to not just listen with disdain but finally HEAR me.

Josie,

First and foremost, I knew from before we were engaged that your farm and blood relations would always come before me and that IF I were dumb enough to expect a choice I would lose. Rest assured that any ultimatum you perceived was a MISperception. I never forgot my place.

My hope for your leap from the familiar nest was about growth. You expressed you could never be free from social anxiety in such a cloistered community. You knew in your heart that your future would be elsewhere. Clearly, I was misguided but I thought I was helping. I wasn't. Duly noted.

The first five years of our relationship had to rigidly conform to the agricultural lifestyle. You know very well that you did countless 16 and 18 hour days, 6 days a week. I am deeply grateful for your sacrifice and appreciate it all. However, it was not conducive to a fulfilling private life. At first the waking up at five every morning to make a hot breakfast was romantic. Eventually though, I got lonely.

I learned to accept all the customer calls in the evenings and weekends. I learned to be happy about all of our vacations (including honeymoon and anniversary's) being done during work training seminars that left me alone in a hotel room. I started to enjoy tagging along for after hour jobs that forced you to cancel dates. I learned to manage with dates being a trip to the farm store then grocery store and $1 menu burgers, for a couple hours.
You had two full time jobs and it sucked for us both.

The second five years was marked by starting the business and the software development process. I'm not going to open that Pandora's box. Suffice it to say that the entire endeavor was brutal and essentially turned into 3 jobs. I don't want to rehash it. The business was a grenade that caused collateral damage to us both.

My deepest wounds were with intimacy. Early on we were like rabbits. I didn't hear a single complaint the single week we went at it 10 times when we lived in the "ghetto". I didn't hear a single complaint for

the first couple years of blow job week. (my period) Likewise, you never minded the hundreds of pre work quickies that I didn't really benefit from other than seeing you smile. Thank you for letting me know that you disliked it all in HINDSIGHT. I can't go back an uncoerce you, can I?

After the ill-fated vasectomy it fell off. Sex became a chore for you. You stopped kissing me romantically. I felt guilty just asking to be intimate. Then I started being scared. Why? Because my explorations were suddenly distasteful. You made no effort to hide the grimace on your face when I would talk dirty to you about what I wanted later as I was at the door sending you to work.

I got shot down on a regular basis with the added cringes. I'm sorry but wanting anal sex and light bondage is not scandalous. It's actually quite tame. Over time your lack of interest and obvious offense was a catalyst in my quickly declining self-esteem.

In hindsight we now realize that a lot of our misunderstandings were based on gender roles and expectations. While you knew almost immediately that your hormones plummeted and that you had gynecomastia the full breadth of it wasn't clear to me until you came out.

I understand why you needed to come out and no matter how much hurt I have felt I wouldn't take it back for anything. You are truly the love of my life. I recognized what your ramblings were and was the first person that recognized your correct gender. My immediate response was mixed. I was deeply saddened by the suffering you had endured being forced into a male role.

Then, I was thrilled that you purged yourself of the secrecy and veils. I ran wild through our room and from my own things, I assembled a metric ton of makeup and clothing for you to enjoy. That night I SUGGESTED counseling and group therapy.

Starting the next day until now, a year later I have spent the majority of my meager after bill money showering you with every kind of gift possible, sometimes even a few times a week. A wardrobe three times as large as mine. (you ordered some bras and tanks?) You have shoeS, jewelry, a makeup kit that eclipses mine, roses, cards, candy and tons of other tokens of affection. You are spoiled beyond words.

That does not even take into account how much I worship you with compliments, spontaneous prose and (unnatural to me) seduction as a male would, which CLEARLY you enjoy thoroughly. You recognized how amazing it felt and understanding why I had needed it for so long too. Even as a woman I know how to be the masculine lover you need. I get nothing from it except for seeing the pleasure in your eyes and hearing gasps escape your lips. It brings me joy to satisfy your needs even though it's not a turn on for me. See how that works...

You have no right to minimize the pain I feel of my husband dying. I can't look at pictures of him without breaking down completely. I have forced myself bot to think about him anymore because I know I wouldn't be able to function. You may be surprised to know that a lot of my anger and inappropriate behavior is a result of chewing back the bile of my loss for a year. Sometimes, in spite of Herculean effort my pot doth boil over.

This entire year was singularly wrapped around you and your transition. Due to your anxiety I was never fully able to process my own emotions. I had to be strong because you were so utterly lost. Please don't insult me by denying it. I may not have been a super spouse but I fought one hell of a battle FOR you this year. I sat aside my needs (because it is kind of a big event) to support you.

You didn't even have the guise of discussing your transition. I knew with absolute confidence that you would take the road to the end and I accepted it. It was a big change, I needed time to process and compassion. I got neither. Within 6 weeks you were on hormones and 100% for GCS. Obviously it was never my choice to make but just being able to express my concerns and work through the process as a couple would have gone a long way. 

Clearly that was not the case. I was made a spectator in my own life gone out of control. Adding insult to injury, you had to tell me that I just couldn't understand. It's as if your own pain was greater than my own, it's resolution more critical. Even though you would have ultimately been the star of the show I would have liked to have been invited to the reading of the script.

I absolutely encouraged and even insisted that you seek out other trans people to interact with. I'm not jealous of you having friends. I may be many bad things but petty is not one of them. What I feel threatened by is not many hours you spend in forums. It's the private message relationships you share that contrary to your opinion are intimate. While we have had difficulty communicating you are finding a great deal of solace, in two trans girls in particular. Ones you constantly talk about.

You USED to brag about me like that. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid. Your denial does not negate the gravity of the situation.

My entire life, my plans for the next few decades, my memories of a man whom never existed were washed away in the tornado of your happiness. Although bittersweet, this past year has been a year of steps forward and growth for you. As for myself, it's been a year of picking up pieces, questioning reality and what the very foundation of our relationship was based on.

Josie is nothing like my husband was. I have been doing my best to love the person on the inside but it has been a struggle like an arranged marriage. Every celebratory moment for you marks one more small part of my dear sweet husband eroding away like a cancer in my soul.

Yes, I am an angry, crazy bitch. I accept that and am fine with it. I'm also one hell of a woman, even at my worst you have been lucky to have me. Remember that the next time your truth seeps out and you speak poorly of me. At least do me the justice of balancing it with MY truth.

It is finally clear to me now, no amount of love or hope can change the irreparable damage we sustained. Not because of gender issues. I don't even know you, apparently, I never did. Please don't keep dropping your tears and anxiety. Exercise some compassion and recognize that this life altering transformation wasn't my choice.

I'm very happy Josie has this support community. I will let myself out so she can continue to dwell here without worry. Thank you all so much for being there for her and easing such a chaotic process.

Welcome to Susan's Place Alteredreality. We understand that there are two  sides to every story and it's very difficult for a SO to deal with the problems that result from coming out. In addition, no marriage is perfect over the long term so there will be additional issues that need to be dealt with. Our hope is in the future you find a way to remain together or if that's not possible, you remain friends. The SO area is available to you if you would like to discuss this with others who face the same difficulty and our member are aware that you have needs that need to be satisfied as well. If there is anything we can help you with, let us know.

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I haven't added to this journal of my life and feelings for a while due to the obvious. I would hope that even in my posts spilling my feelings of frustration that I at least tried to say I made an effort to understand my SO's feelings. All relationships are hard. Ours has be a state of of again on again turmoil for a very long time. Habits and expectations formed over years of mutual reactions are not unreal feelings. These have to be worked through or around to move forward. We both have bad habits. My worst one was the way I locked up my emotions. She expected me to have none and so she acted on such assumptions. I know I seem different now. My movements and mannerisms are no longer stoic. They are freely expressed as are my emotions. You used to only see hurt in my eyes if it was already so much deeper than you could imagine. Now my face and actions show my feelings so much clearer and immediately. Inside I'm the same person. My thoughts and feelings never changed, only my freedom to express them. I am sorry that whatever you thought I was doesn't match the reality. I was a stone statue before. I'm so sorry that is what you expected me to remain. You know I just could not do that anymore.

I don't know if she will come back to this thread and read this or not. Things go up and they go down. This is very hard for both of us to work through. Today we are at least OK. That is all I can ask for.

We are human and my own journey has reminded me of this.  I wish the best for all of us, and Josie your situation although challenging is inspiring as you are both centered around successfully caring for your children. 

You must care for yourself in order to be able to provide care for others. 

I spent several decades as an actor - not as a career, but acting in life until I decided to get real.  I have found each step in the real world isn't always easy but it's the right one.

Things fail to move much here in the middle of the southern part of the state. Let's see, medically my orthopedic doctor is now requesting to actually perform surgery to cut out the herniated part of my discs on the two lowest ones. Assuming the work comp insurance allows it I might just finally get rid of this compressed nerve pain sometime soonish. What I'm not looking forward to is the 6weeks of little movement after the surgery before I could start physical therapy again. I mean, it has taken 3-1/2 months of physical therapy just to be able to stand upright and walk without a limp for a very short time. The pain is not gone. Standing up straight is now a small pinch feeling where before it was outright pain. Over the last months of being so sedentary I have already gained 20lbs. I am now 50lbs over my original weight loss goal of 170lbs. Not a happy camper about that. My muscles are so weak that now that physical therapy can get me to lift my leg while laying flat or on my side, I find them both extremely heavy. Crazy right!

I was disappointed with our farm ground this year. We were sharing it with my mom and my grandparents. Since I was hurt a lot could not get done. A friend came over and harvested it for us all. There won't be any left once the bills are paid and I pay my grandparents back for borrowed money. That kinda really sucks. I kept hoping the farm would make just enough that I could afford an orchidectomy. Not going to happen. Heck right now I can't even save the $300 needed for another laser treatment on my facial hair. Really depressing short term and long term goals this year. Then my work comp insurance keeps playing games. My insurance checks keep coming later and later in the following week now. At first they arrived the Friday I was to be paid. Kinda makes paying your bills that much harder.

I got my endo to increase my estradiol by another 50%. I'd like to see just where my E, P, and T are at now. I'm going to try to back of Spironolactone. I asked my endo about alternatives like Bicalutamide but he said he has never prescribed it, so no.
Still fighting this seemingly dry cough that never ends. Local doctor took me off lisinopril as she said it can cause such an irritation cough. Have to watch my blood pressure if I lower spiro dose to half my current.
I asked my main doctor about getting an AR gene test. He said not worth it even though he too is interested to know if I have a form of mild AIS. He said since the medical treatment would be the hormone therapy I already get that there was no medical need for the blood test. Makes sense just something I really did want to know. There are now over 600 AR mutations in the database.

In general the kids are doing well. My SO and I have been doing well also recently. I hope it continues.
I suppose that's it for now.

Hi Josie,

  Well at least the last part was good. I hope to see more good things happening for you soon.

Somewhere in all this I did have a couple of family social milestones.

My older brother's wedding. This was quite the event in the city. My brother and his boyfriend got married in the last of October. I went as myself openly. My mother-in-law bought me new slacks and a suit coat from the ladies department. We went together her and I to a Dillard's. My grandfather was not there so I didn't need to pretend to be all guy. Some family found reasons not to go like my uncle. It was a really beautiful ceremony at an indoor garden in the Forest Park of St. Louis. The reception was at an art gallery ball room.

Thanksgiving myself and my two daughters went to my brother's house in St Louis. We were the only members of his side that made it. Most of his husband's family was there. I had a good time visiting with the two of them and his husband's two sisters that were there, hanging out in their tiny kitchen while they finished things up. My kids played with several of their new cousins and had an awesome time. Again I was freely myself. No fancy clothes, just my hair in a ponytail of sorts, skinny jeans, a long sleeve top and a cardigan sweater. It was definately comfortable being there. We stayed overnight. His husband had to work the next morning so my big brother , myself, and my kids went to get breakfast before we returned home. It was a fun time.

Hi Josie,

  It does sound like you had a positive and enjoyable time with both event. How affirming it must have been to be accepted as yourself and wow that shopping trip must have had you walking on air. Good for you girl, you need these kind of happy events.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Those sound like great positives steps forward for you and your family. [emoji4]

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Congrats Josie! ... enjoy all the victories and sweet moments as you step  into your new life

Hugs!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

When life just goes well I forget to add any updates here.  :D

My SO and myself continue to try to work through our relationship. I think we are both just tired of fighting. We are getting along better albeit more platonically these days. The kids are happy and that matters more than anything to the both of us. The kids are both doing well in their school down here in the middle of the southern region of IL. Thank goodness for an accepting Catholic Church and school here. Otherwise we are surrounded by many evangelical Christian churches. We are also close to a University so tolerance is better than expected here. I just avoid any of the hangouts of the "old fogies" around here. My mother-in-law is buying a house in town right next to the kids school. It was a lucky find and the price was very good. There are a large number of bank forclosure homes in this town for sale. It will give us all more room than her and our apartments do now and will cost less monthly. Plus the kids have a yard to play in and we can walk them to school.

My medical situation remains stalled. It's been a month since the orthopedic surgeon requested to do surgery to remove the herniation from two of the discs in my back. There has been no answer from the work comp insurance adjuster. My other doctor, the spinal rehab one, told me if nothing happens in the next two months he will push for surgery also for me. Otherwise he can offer to order a second epidural steroid injection. The first one dint do much if anything aside from giving me another source of pain at the injection site.  :P He then told me that after nine months if my nerve pressure does not recover surgery should be done or the weakness I have in my right leg along with the pain may become permanent.  >:( Really not happy about hearing that!

Otherwise life hasn't changed much. I have been able to see my therapist a couple of weeks in a row and go to the group in St Louis. That has been nice to do again. I have noticed the symptoms of taking the massive amounts of gabapentin for my nerve pain seem to be increasing. My ability to use my vocabulary is worsening as is my short term memory. This has not been good to experience.

In the next week, I am hoping to be able to clean up the inside of the new house while the kids are in school. We might be able to start moving in furniture after Christmas. That will be nice.

  Glad to see you are hanging in there Josie. Not the best of updates but it does have some good points in it. Try to focus on them. Sometime life just doesn't want to go as we would like it to and we must just keep plodding through until better days come round. I'm sure you've weather more difficult time and you can do it this time too.

Hugs,
  Laurie

I had a decent Christmas at my grandparents. My grandpa is the only family who does not know about me so I obviously went boyish dressed. I had a large button shirt on so nothing stood out too much with my belly fat and all.  ;D I did wear my favorite boot cut jeans and kept in my earrings, all three of them. Just left my hair down. I did get one "you need a haircut" from Gramps, but otherwise it was good. My one uncle who has ignored me and said negative things about me to my grandma, did not come. My cousins are all ok with me. I'm not certain about my aunt but she did use Josie on the card to me.

Medically, my attorney finally got an answer of yes to me getting back surgery. Great but now I wait for each step to get requested and approved like another MRI.

Josie your updated avatar is AWESOME! 

I used to receive "I miss your short hair" comments with increasing frequency and a few unkind  comments from my father.   That all stopped when I came out as transgender. 

HI Josie,

  I agree with Kendra that is an awesome avatar picture. I am glad you had a decent Christmas with family.

Oh about that belly fat... I am starting to think maybe I should just start wearing maternity clothes and play the part of a perpetually pregnant woman. sigh So I doubt yours is that bad.

Hugs for you Girl.
  Laurie

Thanks both of you!  ;D I was not surprised by grandpa, my younger cousin went from "Jesus hair" to a man bun so I only caught a comment while standing next to him. Lol. I had my silver hoop earrings and my one helix piercing all in. My hair has not been cut since October a year ago. I think in another six months I might be where I would like it to be and get it trimmed up.

Belly fat, well there's a whole subject matter isn't it? I am up to just under 230lbs now with all my physical limitations. My goal a year+ ago when I had been exercising, was to get down to near 170 since when I was younger and muscular I was always in the mid 170s.
When I look in a mirror sideways I think on a regular Guy's frame, my belly wouldn't be too terrible. On me though it sticks out. Visceral fat and surface fat come together. I've always had what Appearently is called lordosis of the spine. In my case I had an insurance requested doctor diagnose me that way recently. Thing is, from what other doctors have told me my lordosis is actually normal because of my sacral angle. It would be normal for a female skeleton anyway. I guess that's the downside of having always had a feminine curve to my back, belly fat sticks right out there badly in front. It is surreal though, how when I was young, I hated the way my body was shaped in the mirror. Now I feel free to appreciate how I have always been.

I like the new avatar as well! And good news with the surgery. Hopefully it can happen in a timely manner with everything else happening at a snails pace.

And Laurie I had a nice chuckle over the perpetual pregnant woman comment!

Cheaney

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

We are moved in mostly to the new house down here. I did walk my kids to school once so far. It was enough of a walk short as it was, to cause me nerve pain in my leg the rest of the day. Except for the piles of boxes and storage bins piled with misc stuff, we are doing alright all living in one house. Five females do have some issues living together but hey, its a family. My SO and myself are doing decent. Basically coexisting alright. My kids love having a backyard even with the cold winter days and a layer of snow. My mother-in-law is settling in pretty well. All together its good.

Once in a while in drivethrough with my kids I've been called mam. That's always a great way to start a day off.  :) I've been trying to figure out what to do about medical insurance. The state should eventually decide I qualify for the expanded Medicaid program. This year I could choose from 4 different insurance companies but each has their own policy coverage caviats. In IL they cannot simply exclude trans healthcare but trying to figure out if I could possibly get coverage for SRS is on my mind.  ??? ::) :P

One big positive step is my orthopedic surgeon finally got the paper approval for all surgery steps. I have a presurgical appointment for medical clearance and a date for the procedure.  :D  :icon_dance: :eusa_dance:
I can see the end of the nerve pain in sight at last! This comes none too soon. The medication I'm on (gabapentin) works to calm the nerve signals. However the side effects are growing. Loss of short term memory, muscle ticks, inability to concentrate at times, yeh not fun. Also despite being at a huge dose daily, it has been less effective on the nerve pain itself. On the negative side my spinal rehab doctor warned me that after the insurance waiting so long, its possible that the weakness in my leg and foot could be permanent. As long as the pain goes away I'll deal with the rest.

  Hi Josie,

  Glad you and the family are getting settled in there. The rest of what you had to say is somewhat bittersweet isn't it? I am glad to read that the surgeon got approval and you have hope of being pain free eventually. Those never meds though don't sound like fun though with the side effects. Let's hope they are minimal and reversable once you are able to discontinue them.  Hang in there girl.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hello everyone. I haven't been visiting the forum very regularly lately. Time does fly even when not so much fun is had.  :D

This Thursday I am finally getting back surgery. I am hopeful to be rid of this nerve pain in my leg. It's a bit scary though thinking that the doctor is going to be cutting right inside my spinal canal. I can see the finish line somewhere in the future now though.

I have avoided saying much about my relationship with my spouse after those other posts. But my relationship is my life and my transition is part of both so. Feb 14th will mark 1 full year on HRT. The fact that the only appointment that I could get to see my endo was on Valentine's Day is not lost on me. It will forever be a stained day for our relationship. At least it seems so. She still carries anger about how I came out. While that seems kind of vague I know it means because once I opened up this train was going to move at full throttle down the transition track with or without her input. Transition was something that for me had to happen. I cannot say I had control of it. I needed it so badly that it had to happen. She cannot understand it that way so I do get why she was mad. I can see why she still feels I was "selfish". I can see her reasoning but she did not live my existence so she does not see "why" it had to be for me.
Two weeks ago I drove from the new place to our farm house for my psych appointment. I was out of my antidepressants. I left thinking things were "normal" whatever that is for us. I was going to stay until midweek so I could see my counselor and go to group in St Louis. Tuesday she began sending me texts. I was told I should stay there and I could see the kids when they were not in school. Short version, to me it was so cold. It was a breakup with the addition of telling me when and how I could see my kids. To her it was just her needing space. By evening when I was telling my youngest goodnight over the phone, I was sitting on the bathroom floor using toilet tissue to wipe my tears. When we hung up I was literally lying on the cold tile bawling my heart out. A couple of more texts and I slammed my cell against the tile floor breaking it. It took me some time to recover. After sleeping a couple of hours I headed back down to the new house. I had found a pain worse than nerve pain existed. That was telling a mom she doesn't get to see her kids but on weekends. Yes I mean myself.
I have always been part of my kids lives. Yes there were trying months when I had to work very very long hours early on but I also spent many days there and many slow work months handling much of their care. With my youngest, even when work was busy, I took the later half of the night careing for her. When she came home from the hospital it was an every two hour thing. My spouse did all early night feedings and diapers and I started at midnight, 2:00, 4:00, 6:00 every single night. I would wake up right when my daughter would. I would change her and give her a bottle then put her back to sleep. I did it right on my side of the bed with light from the bathroom. I am so incredibly attached to them both.
So I drove back to the new house. I walked in the front door and my spouse was up watching tv. We talked some. In person she was at least compassionate not cold. So her reasoning: last summer when she decided to move out and go to school, I was still working. To her, the idea was the kids would be with her at a school down here, and I could have them on the weekends. To me that was not ideal but I felt so guilty for transitioning that it seemed like what I had to do. Plus it was summer vacation for the kids. We did that for a while. I started driving my pickup for some jobs just so I could get my kids some days and some days they went with me to customer sites. My company provided service truck only had a single passenger seat so I could not get both kids with it. I would stop by some days on my way back from a job down south and we would all go to dinner or hangout. Then in July I got hurt working. Everything changed. It took months before I could just stand up straight again. Walking short distances was my limit. She let me stay at her apartment. I got a little better slowly and I helped with the kids. School started and I was the one to get the kids up and drive them across town to school most days. She had her own school to attend as well. During these months I went to physical therapy and doctor appointments during the day but was around all the time. As I got better she got a used king mattress and we slept in the same bed. A couple of times we had a fight. Once I was half packed to move out. But I thought we were making progress. I was also there with my kids every single day.
So today I sleep on the bottom bunk in my older girls room at the new house. I still have clothes in my spouses room but that is it. I am now ok with it. She goes back and forth as I have been used to about us. Reaching to be closer to me then cold and distant. That part I have learned to expect. I just cannot understand how that day, no matter how much anger she was feeling toward me for being me, that she could think it was ok to tell me not to be in my kids daily lives the way she did.
Unfortunately I am left not knowing where I stand in the relationship. I am here with my kids today. That is what matters most right now.

Josie here's a big warm hug - carefully, since I know your back is fragile. 

Regardless of how things turn out, your kids know you so well and you have been so close to them at a precious age.  Nobody can take that knowledge or those memories.  You are persistent in keeping your kids a priority - even if there is some loss of hours the time you spend together is high quality time.

Best wishes for back surgery a couple days from now.  Is difficult to not worry about surgery but the potential to reduce or eliminate pain is goodness.

Hi Josie,

  You must have known I'd been thinking of you lately wondering where and how you've been. I am pleased to read about your upcoming surgery and I'll agree with your apprehension about it but the rewards make the risk worth it. That's pretty much how I looked at my 2 cancer surgeries and the 3rd rounds  with cancer where the chance of it helping at all was only 1 in 4 and the treatment itself had the very real potential to kill me. But when faced with a certainty of dearth you grasp at anything that will give you a chance no matter how small. In my case it has helped, I am over 3 years w/o cancer and still going. The alternative would have me dead almost 3 years ago. That is why I say I live on borrowed time. Because for me it is true and I don't know what tomorrow may bring.
  So Hun, like me you pays your money and takes your chances at winning the possible rewards.
  I also understand the anguish you feel over the family problems. Losing any part of that life is devastating.You are doing your best to keep it together and yet the pain of possibly losing it is overwhelming. I know this Hun, I know it intimately. I still hurt from losing mine completely. I drove past where my daughter and grand kids live on the way to visit Kendra/Beth/Saha and on the return. I was hard to just drive by on the freeway. I want so much to drive by their home and maybe get a glimpse of at least the tow younger ones. But if I had and they saw me it would open their own pain of losing Papa and I could not have stopped to hug them again. Their father promised to poison their memory of me by telling them I just chose to walk of of their lives to live as a woman. Not anything to explain why I had to do this. OMG how the thought of that hurts, it has me in tears again now. Josie I hope it never comes to that with your girls. Don't ever let that happen to you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Maybe as we work on trying to be friends, we will sort out what we are to each other. Sometimes I feel more lost and unsettled than others. That part is my issue I know. I have always stayed close to my family, my mom and grandparents. Feeling like all my old safeties are slipping away is tough. I was so used to my role as provider before. Now I have a hard time imagining how I ever did work so much. IDK I think I'm rambling here.

A young girl from group may have tried to OD last weekend. All I know is she was in an ICU and has come out of it. Knowing someone who has acted on those dark feelings makes those past times when I felt so desperate myself, seem so much scarier now.

Thanks for thinking of me. And Laurie, it's aweful that your daughters husband would do such a thing. Just the idea of someone causing that much pain to their own kids makes me so angry.

Had back surgery today. I have pain but it will get better. Still need my spinal cord to swell. hopefully this is my saving grace and my leg will return to normal.

My SO was there for me all day. I don't remember much post op until I was really awake. She did say all the nurses and even my surgeon talked about me as she/her! They were all great people.

Josie, fingers crossed for a fast recovery and for this to finally solve or at least minimize your back pain.  And that is a nice sign your SO was there the entire time.

Josie,

  I am glad the surgery is done and hope it does take care of the propblems you have be having to endure. It sure didn't sound like fun at all.
  Yes, what my son in law promised he would do is a source of pain that feeds my own issues that have had me down for so many months now. It was difficult to drive through where they live only a few miles away on my way up and back from visiting Kendra/Saha/Bethany. It was so tempting to drive by there place to see if I could catch a glimpse of the two younger kids out playing. But I wouldn't put it past him and my daughter getting a restraining order if I was recognized doing it. That would only make things worse and harder for the kids and for myself. Oh hell there I go off about my problems again. Sorry.

  It was good that your SO was there to be with you for your surgery. I hope thng  get better for you Hun as you have not had life easy either. There are far too many of us with life/living issues here on Susan's but that is one of the reasons we have this place is to get and give support to/from others. Through sharing we help each other.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hey everyone or anyone who might be reading my life here. It's been nearly two weeks since I had back surgery. My spine is healing alright. Not much pain. I quit taking oxycodone after the first 5 days. Wow it's like almost everything that happened when I was on it is gone from my memory. I still have weakness in my right leg. My toes are still numb with the top of my foot being hyper sensitive. I was overly optimistic on how fast that might change. I saw my spinal rehab Doctor yesterday. He said nerves regenerate at one inch per month and that's if I can quit taking the gabapentin. That's the nerve suppressant that made life possible the last 6 months. Unfortunately it also slows neuron growth and repair. He said I might have recovery in 12-18 months, or maybe never. That part sucks to hear. If the leg pain stays low or gone then it will be a success.
Not sure all what the surgeon did inside my spine. I know he trimmed disc herniations off of both the L4-L5 and the L5-S1 levels. He also may have trimmed the bone around the nerve exits and cut off some calcium spurs. Aside from the herniated discs I had badly damaged facet joints in those levels.

My marriage appears to be done. I think I'm finally accepting that. We're stuck with each other because of the kids but I am the focus of so much anger. I am not currently feeling viserated but I certainly have been at times these last couple of weeks.

Quote from: josie76 on February 20, 2018, 08:33:47 PM
> My spine is healing alright. Not much pain. I quit taking oxycodone after the first 5 days.

alrea
Wow Josie, this is huge great news!  I am so glad your surgery has had this much effect so quickly.  And yeah a bittersweet victory with what you face at home but you have a solid connection with your kids and love and that is so important. 

Relationships, these are hard. When I last wrote my spouse wanted more space. She wanted me to leave and go back to our farm house. I had already been sleeping on my kids bottom bunk for some time. I think it took me three weeks to finally process the idea that the person I want does not want me in the same way anymore. Then things got worse. We had several fights. One abut the "child car plan" she wrote up one morning that she wanted to put in a divorce filing. She wanted me to move out completely. I did. I moved all my stuff and clothes back to the farm house that weekend. I had a very hard time even though my kids came with me. I don't know if it was harder on me to do what every instinct in my head said not to. That is to leave my kids. Or the night trying to explain to the kids what was going on. I could not help but be in tears that night. I took the kids back Sunday and stayed overnight driving back to the farm on Monday. Wednesday evening my youngest called up in tears asking me to come back. My wife said it was ok. She said she thought about things and wanted to try to give us a chance again. Today we are at least friends again. I don't know if we can be more. We both have hurts and things are difficult. She said she feels lonely in a way with me. I guess I sort of understand. Being around each other in a relationship seems like constant work. Its like even after all of 11 years, we cant seem to just be relaxed and ourselves around the other all the way. Honestly I don't know what is happening one day to the next in life. Everything seems so up in the air. I have no job. I'm trying to figure out if after I finish physical therapy how quickly will I need to find a job so I can pay the bills. Can I manage school so I can get a degree to make me hireable. I suppose I was lucky that my back finally gave out while on the job.

Physically I'm still a couple of weeks away from starting physical therapy. I don't have much pain in my spine but the nerves are damaged to my leg and foot. The weakness is still present. If I don't take the gabapentin I get pain in my lower leg/ankle and throbbing in my toes. The numbness and hypersensitive area on the top of my foot has not changed any. Maybe someday I will have my normal feeling back. I can make it through Walmart without having to start limping at least most of the time.

I did file for a legal name change. I have a court date in early May. Illinois changed the law on the first of Jan. Bottom surgery is not required for a gender marker change. Now just a licenced therapist or medical doctor can sign that the person is undergoing treatment for that purpose. Since I have been on hormones over a year, my therapist signed the form as soon as I asked. Now when the court grants my name change, I can file with the state to corrected birth certificate issued. The state seals the original record and updates the local county courthouse records. After 41 years I will be able to fix that mistake some doctor made when I was born!

Well just a small life update.

Relationship wise, we still bounce back and forth.

Medical, well I still have nerve damage but generally I can walk normal without a limp.

Family: Easter was "interesting". So of my local family my mom's brother is the only negative person about me. He has made comments to my grandma. Grandpa doesn't really know what's going on with me. He's hard of hearing and sleeps half the day these days. Grandpa has seen my hair grow out and my ears be pierced. Except for a few questioning looks he hasn't said anything. Of course up until now I could use layers and sweatshirts to cover my development. That will change soon enough with the weather. So to se the Easter at my aunt and uncle's scene, I expected that we were not invited because of my uncle. A week or so before however my aunt and uncle were at grandma's house and my aunt insisted that it was her house and my uncle would just have to deal with it. So we went. Myself, my wife, and our kids. Overall it was decent enough. My cousins (both men) have no problem sitting and talking with me, neither does the older one's wife. The kids all got to hunt eggs and play and the weather while cold was pretty decent for them to run around outside for a big part of the afternoon. My older brother and his husband (yes another LGBT in the family) were there. Everyone was having a decent day. I avoided sitting near my uncle and he apparently avoided any room I was in.  :P My aunt talked to me for a short time, while she was starting to clean up the kitchen. She asked about my back surgery and how I was doing. Then suddenly she stopped talking to me. I think my uncle was shooting her a look at that point.  :( >:(  Anyway I did get another questioning look from Grandpa as they were leaving as I had put my hair up in a ponytail and that was the first I think he had seen me that way. I waved to him and he mumbled my name. I think with my hair back I look A LOT like my mom and that is confusing him. After he and grandma left I finally got to take my zipper hoody off. I'm still trying to hide my boobs from grandpa. I don't want to completely mess him up. These days he is in his head telling himself completely new stories made from memories of people he knew that never occurred. Anyway it was good to visit and laugh with my family. Laughing is something I didn't use to do often. My uncle made it a bit uncomfortable but somehow I think he was way more uncomfortable than I was. IDK

Hey Josie,

Sorry about your relationship, but I'm glad you guys are still trying to figure it out. Hugs to you!!

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on April 03, 2018, 09:37:21 AM
Hey Josie,

Sorry about your relationship, but I'm glad you guys are still trying to figure it out. Hugs to you!!

Thankyou HUGS

I'll get the bad stuff over with, Relationships, ehh, up and down. together, apart, trying to be coparents and at least friends. If things don't go terribly wrong in the next few weeks though, she is going with me to a dance.

The dance: let me start by saying I NEVER went to any dance in school. This dance is put on by the St. Louis group MTUG (Metro-trans Umbrella Group). This one coming up is a trans-queer prom.
Soooo I'm a bit excited. I ordered a dress. I need to go buy a pair of shoes to match still. Its an all black A cut midi-dress. I hope I look a quarter as good in it as the model does.  ::)

(https://farm1.staticflickr.com/811/41451848532_00e22919a7.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/269XypE)dress1 (https://flic.kr/p/269XypE) by Josie H (https://www.flickr.com/photos/149006210@N03/), on Flickr

The following week I have my yearly appointment with my endocrinologist and later that week my court date. Yes but a GOOD court date! After that day I will legally be Josephine instead of (place dead name here)!  :D
Then I will submit that order and my gender change certificate signed by my therapist to the state Dept of Vital Records. Illinois turns out to be one of the best states for trans-rights. Beginning 2018 it is no longer required to complete surgery to get legally changed gender. You just need to get signed off by your therapist and or medical professional treating you that you have undergone correct medical transition. The state will send me back a certified birth certificate with my new name and showing FEMALE on it!!!!!!! The original record becomes sealed.

Then the work begins. Driver's licence needs changed and my picture updated (still has old me with a beard). I have a CDL so a certified birth cert is required to renew it. Then Social Security, then my passport. I will want to send updated info to all my bank and medical providers. OK maybe I'm getting a bit excited by this!  ;D

Starting to feel happy. 8)

I totally forgot to mention also that I am suddenly finding myself apparently starting to casually pass much of the time. Now my voice is aweful, but just going grocery shopping or to Walmart I no longer see people staring or doing a double take. Once in a while I might see it. Like once in a while a woman walking toward me might look confused then give me a smile, but most seem to walk right past me without a glance or second thought. Men also seem to think nothing of moving right next to me and if I might say, kinda rudely. However they are way up in my former male self personal zone where guys would have never gone before. Also if I am in the car and my SO goes in the store, I've noticed older guys looking at me right until I glance up at them. Totally a freakish thing to start to notice!

Holding my new driver license in my hand last October, I was astonished how much positive impact that had.  For years it was just a stupid piece of plastic.  And then something I hated showing when asked, a government "you're been officially clocked" card.  With the update I feel great whenever I see it - I think you'll find the same.

May I call you Josephine ?

The dress looks great.  I like the long sleeves and the A-line.  I can't do long sleeves, usually, 'cause I am tall and they end up a little too short for long sleeves but not really 3/4 length either.  Just kinda odd.  I find a fuller skirt helps my body shape a bit.  I hope the relationship stabilizes a bit and doesn't go all side ways for you so you can't enjoy the event.

Congrats on the name change progress.  You are a step ahead of me.  I need to do the public notice part then the petition come next.   Yea, the actual name change may turn out to be the easy part.  Then there are all the government agencies and private businesses along with deeds and titles that need to be brought up to speed.

Hope you have a good time with it all,
Stevi

Quote from: Stevi on April 16, 2018, 01:05:42 PM
May I call you Josephine ?

The dress looks great.  I like the long sleeves and the A-line.  I can't do long sleeves, usually, 'cause I am tall and they end up a little too short for long sleeves but not really 3/4 length either.  Just kinda odd.  I find a fuller skirt helps my body shape a bit.  I hope the relationship stabilizes a bit and doesn't go all side ways for you so you can't enjoy the event.

Congrats on the name change progress.  You are a step ahead of me.  I need to do the public notice part then the petition come next.   Yea, the actual name change may turn out to be the easy part.  Then there are all the government agencies and private businesses along with deeds and titles that need to be brought up to speed.

Hope you have a good time with it all,
Stevi

Stevi, you can definitely call me Josephine.  :) Thanks. I like the dress. I'll post pics IF it looks alright on me once I get it.  :D

In Illinois you file the case in the county court and part of the state documents you fill out is the paper to take to a newspaper that they then use to send back the proof of public notice to either you or direct to the court. The state has a self help web page with the forms for adult name change. My county charged $211 to file the case.

Kendra I definitely want to see my papers showing me as my real self! I am feeling the anticipation building!!

Josephine,

I am close behind.  I went in this morning and paid my $120 to file for my name change petition.  My 10 day notice is posted and the clerk of the court put it on his calendar to issue the order for my name change on the 30th of April. That is the first business day after the 10 day notice period.  I don't have to be present.  I just need to pick up the order anytime I can after that.  Probably around the 8th or 9th of May.

I really hope you are happy with your new frock.  At least happy enough for us to get a look, too.

Stevi

My dress came. I do like it alot. The light may not be the best in the pic and my hair is a total mess. I was just trying it on so, don't judge lol.  :)


(https://farm1.staticflickr.com/878/40715414475_bfe0dd2d1e_k.jpg) (https://flic.kr/p/252T9dK)IMG_20180421_091519437 (https://flic.kr/p/252T9dK) by Josie H (https://www.flickr.com/photos/149006210@N03/), on Flickr

Things are generally improving in life for me.  :) I can be happy about that. My wife and I are getting along much better. I hope we have turned a corner and are going to be moving life in a common direction again.

The two of us going to the trans-sponsored prom is still on.  ;D
I got an orchiectomy done last week. It seems to be healing decently. I stopped taking spironolactone which is great. Two things I have noticed: 1- when I take my E tablet my boobs hurt. Not just an ache once in a while, they hurt so I'd say my E dose is being more effective without T and spiro. However the last day or so I started having a few PIMPLES!  :o :P Hopefully those fade away after a while.  ;) :icon_chick:

Hi Josie,

  I am glad to read that you and your wife are getting along better. I hope it continues to improve as that can only help with your kids. Congrats on the Orchi and the meds being adjusted.
  I have to be honest and say that I have been remiss in keeping up with your thread. With a lot of threads, truth be told. I've ummm been a bit busy the last many months with various issues. Some pretty bad and others very good. I hope to be doing some catching up though. Hang in the girl and you are looking better than I remember I hope you are feeling a whole lot better.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Life sure can do a flip in a hurry.

We did not go to the prom. I was having a lot of discomfort following my orchiectomy from the self dissolving sutures. Then we had a fight.  :( The days that followed went crazy. If anyone reading this has seen, we moved into a house in another town with my mother-in-law. It was right next to the Catholic school our kids were in this year and close to where my wife was going to school also. It seemed like a decent fit. Things had been mostly OK aside from my wife and my relationship at times. Slowly things changed with my mother-in-law. The longer we lived in the same house the more she shifted to trying to be controlling. My wife and her mom never got along aside from a superficial way. That wasn't the big issue though. My mother-in-law is a textbook narcissist. Every kind action has a price attached to it. Things went very bad very quickly when my wife and I decided we would be looking at taking the kids back to the farm and having them in publicschool in that town next year. Part of this was because the kids are so much happier in the home they had always known and partly because my mother-in-law was affecting them with her actions. All of this came to a head this last week. We actually took the kids out of school before the end of the year this week and moved as much as we could back home. Later that day things got super ugly. My mother-in-law had been messaging my wife until she became sick of dealing with her. Then my mother-in-law began trying to pick at me. During the few days leading up to this she had been telling lies to my son. (I've been his parent since he was 12) These were meant to drive him away from us with suspicion. This helped to push him into a manic-depressive episode that he has yet to recover from.

My wife nearly had to miss her final exam in her last class of this semester. She had to ask the instructor to let her take the test a day later. She passed her class thankfully. With all the stress and distractions of the week I am so happy she pulled it together today.

I also went to court for my name change hearing. I was the last file before lunch. The judge went quickly through the criminal cases with the prosecutor and public defender. All motions and pre trial hearing stuff. Then he got to me. He did not look happy about it.  :-\ He opened my file and spent a full five minutes going through every line of my two page filing. I could tell he did not want to give it to me. He found a reason to postpone my request. In Illinois you have to publish for three weeks a legal notice for your case in a paper. The law says it needs to be in a newspaper "published" in the jurisdiction of the court being filed in. His interpretation was that meant the newspaper office needed to be physically located in the county. I had mine published in a large regional paper that covers this county but their office is in one county North of here. I was feeling devastated.  :'( I was on the verge of tears. The judges demeanor toward me started to soften a bit then. He then just said to republish it and return again at least six weeks after the first published date. So FML!!!!!!  >:(
The clerk in the courtroom wrote me a date of August 13th in the hand written datebook. Now I have to get the proper form again with the date on it to send to a paper to republish it.  ::) :P

My son is still in the hospital. I have to interact with my narcissist mother-in-law soon just enough to get our other belongings and be done with her. And I couldn't even have the name thing go right so I still have to hold off on getting my birth certificate changed. I guess I might as well renew my drivers license with the old name because assuming the judge does sign the name change order in August, I won't be likely to get the new BC back from the state before my next birthday which is when my current license will expire.

Some times it feels like the universe is against you.

Josie,

Sorry to hear that your road has been quite rough lately.  I do hope things smooth out for you very soon.  That name change glitch really sucks.  What does it accomplish for that judge to be such an @$$ about it all?

Stevi

Hi Josie,

  Well I have to agree with you things have been lousy for you recently. But I am pretty confident they will swing the other war soon. I will agree about the court nonsense. I am currently waiting to find out my court date. Keep your hopes up Hun. Things will improve.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Life has many twists and turns, ups and down.

Things got worse but now are getting better!
My son: the last time I wrote here he was in the hospital after having a manic episode. Well he is finally about to be released. He ended up getting arrested after he broke a faucet off in the ER. He was kind of out of it and didn't have his glasses on. It was one of those tall goose neck faucet spouts. Anyway an officer tasted him and he spent a week and a half in the county jail. We contacted the state's attorney who got him involuntary commitment to the state run hospital system. This way there would be no charges to face when he was better and the state would keep him until he was actually stable unlike the regular hospital system. He is doing good and looking forward to being home. It is unfortunate that he lost his income and almost lost his car. He may loose it yet. He is going to stay at our house for as long as he needs. He has come to a new understanding about life and what is important during his time stuck in the coo-coo nest. He got better quickly with proper care.

We got an apartment close to my wife's college. The kids are in the local public school there this year. So far they like it. My wife and I have been doing much better with only a few fights. Nothing earth shattering though so that has been good. We are together, mostly anyway. Maybe finding a new equilibrium between personal needs and partner needs. Much less codependency from both of us.

My mother in law however, that crazy narcissist won't let our belongings go. Then she took some of my sons stuff to her house while he was in the hospital. Her goal seemed to be to have him move in with her since we moved out. We are having to file lawsuits in multiple counties against her and still she won't let our property go.

My transition in life has been really moving forward. Staying in this town, no one in the neighborhood thinks anything but that we are a lesbian couple. I have been doing physical therapy again for my back injury. It is supposed to be "work hardening" therapy. The therapist started me doing some work like activities. Putting weight in a basket and doing lift and carry exercises. Problem started quickly. My lower back did not take that kind of activity. I had nerve pain shooting down my leg again at near max levels. After those first few days he switched me up to doing specific stretches and exercises on the gym machines. The idea to strengthen my muscles but not cause me to rotate my lower back or bend too much. This I have been able to do. I leave every day with pain in my leg and foot at about a level 5 but I manage to get through the exercise list. Then I go home to the apartment and lay down for a while. That helps relieve the pressure in my back and reduces the pain radiating down my leg and foot.

In the gym the physical therapists all know I'm trans but none of the patients or regular gym goers see me as anything but the woman I am. That is a great feeling.

I went to my second name change hearing at the county courthouse. This time the judge said all my forms were in order and he signed the order for name change.  :D At first I was starting to wonder. I swear he just tried me for my reaction. Maybe not. Last time I was there he didn't like the news paper my legal ad was published in. He was really dismissive, like negative towards me. As he explained that my ad wasn't right, his behavior toward me softened. I think he saw I was close to tears. His view of who and what I am shifted that day. This time after checking it all over and signing it, he told the bailiff to walk "HER" over to the circuit clerks office with the signed order.  ;D ;D ;D

I have my temporary drivers license in my purse with both my name and gender corrected. Waiting on the hard copy laminate to come from the state. I have updated most of my medical records at this point. With this last year I have plenty of doctors offices to update.  :-\ I have updated my home and auto insurance which also resulted in a slight rate drop for my auto policy. I faxed the info to my health insurance. I still need the permanent drivers license to update my bank accounts, auto loan, and social security. I will be mailing in for my corrected birth certificate next.

I have been researching GCS. I am on a waiting list. I should have a work injury settlement before I can get a surgery date scheduled. So that is in the works at least. I am still considering what aspects of FFS I want to have done and what doctor to go to.

Wow it's been around 6 months since I posted anything here.

Summer went fairly well. My family life is at least stable. My step son got released from the hospital and is now working a part time job living at home with us. The younger kids are in school at our home district. Major drama with my mother-in-law still going on. We are all living back in our house.

The work comp insurance was pushing to get me off of their current roles. That would have meant a settlement and my ability to afford the FFS and GCS I want so badly would have been closer. However I have had continuing pain. I go for an MRI of my spine today and see the ortho Doctor on Friday. I'll find out if there is anything that can still be done about my pain or if I'm just out of luck.  :(

I am seeing an ENT later in December after getting a sinus CT scan done. It appears my somewhat deviated septum in my nose is very very deviated back in my nasal cavity. This explains why I have lived with 30 years of congestion. I have a few months of COBRA insurance left so I hope to get that fixed very soon. It needs done before I could see most FFS surgeons, although a couple here in the US said they could do it along with the upper FFS procedure.
Namely Dr. Patel in Chicago and Dr. Chernoff in Indiapolis. Neither could likely get my insurance to cover it with doing cosmetic at the same time however.

I have been denied SS Disability twice now. They say my medical records don't prove that I cannot do "substantial work". I'm not sure how you do substantial employment when every single day I do anything, I need to lie down to release the pain in my spine and nerve pain radiating from it. How exactly do I find employment that lets me work only what my body allows? I used to be very active physically. Now I can do next to nothing. It is frustrating and the ever present knowledge that the work comp insurance will stop my weekly checks when they decide I cannot see any further improvement. Without SSD I am not sure how I will make the house payment. The future settlement from my injury can float us for a long time in theory but that remains to be seen.

Strange thing the other day, I think an older guy was trying t flirt with me?!  ??? :-\

So I had to go to the courthouse for something. Walking up the steps one of the security guards was standing there taking his smoke break. He was older than me, at least 50. As I approach he made simple small talk about it being a nice day. Then he started in about the sunshine. Then a bit more. I acknowledged him a couple of times but as I was opening the door he added more. I just answered a simple agreement and went in. Maybe he was just starved for conversation but seeing as there were 4 or so security people inside I don't think that was it. I'm sure it was just harmless guy flirt to girl but sooooo different! As a guy that would have never happened. Maybe a nice day isn't it, but that would have been it. It definitely felt different.

So basic update, life is "normal" whatever that means. My spouse and I are sometimes close, sometimes not so much. I had a second spine surgery. Likely going to start physical therapy again before long.

Josie he was definitely flirting with you.  Get used to it girl.  ;)