So 4 days ago I come home from work. It's been another late day and trying to move stuff from our three storage units to bring to our new house clean up and move it in to try and repair things and move on with life after the fire. I get in the shower and do my normal routine and about halfway through as I'm shaving my body my wife comes in and asked me what the hell this is and she's holding my phone. Granted I don't know what she's talking about initially because I can't see what's on my phone that she's ranting about. Long story short she went in my phone got on social media and started going through my conversations with people. Granted she probably thought she was going to catch me having an affair with somebody else or talking to another woman and starting a relationship behind her back. But what she found was conversations of me reaching out to individuals who have already transitioned trying to gather information and do my own research get advice anything and everything that I could possibly take away from these individuals for my benefit trying to figure out what's going on with me and why I'm having these feelings and why they're not going away this time.

Definitely not what she had expected. But as I'm standing there naked in the shower with a razor blade in my hand I'm getting the third degree feels like the Spanish Inquisition. I'm literally standing there trying to answer her questions a lot of the same questions I don't even have for myself answered standing there ashamed afraid sobbing. Not knowing where this is all going to lead now definitely not how I thought my evening was going to go.  As you can imagine I was feeling many different emotions and feelings. Most of all feeling betrayed and that my trust in my wife to not break boundaries and to not allow me my individual privacy is now gone. Everything I do is now under a microscope it feels like anything I buy on Amazon anything I bring up it doesn't matter somehow it all goes back to me keeping a secret from my wife which apparently is just as bad as me physically sticking my penis inside another woman and having sex with her.

Fact of the matter is I have always been able to repress it, and forget about it. It's always been a secret of mine. Even if it has caused a great deal of depression and even suicidal idealization.
 
So since this wasn't going away this time I decided I'd continue my research I've always looked into transitioning and everything that goes with it over the years but I've been much more actively researching and gathering information as much as I could. Started speaking with the therapist granted I've only had two sessions with him before the house fire and haven't had any sense but even he has expressed a lot of things that I was not aware of or didn't even think about. I even reached out to a few individuals who have already transitioned I'm happy they even decided to write me back since I imagine they get a lot of messages from people on social media asking questions and their advice and whatnot.

Anyways this is always been a secret of mine I've always figured it would go away to an extent maybe come back every now and again but not to this extreme as it has so I've never really felt obligated to tell anyone about it. Well with everything going on house fire wife finding out bad news about her stepdad having cancer and not sure how long he has to live our marriage being on unstable ground for a long time now people deal with things differently and my way was always to shut down and focus on the task and that's it I don't talk about things I don't share my feelings I don't do any of that. When I try people usually misunderstand me I don't know or feel that I can communicate in a way that people understand what I'm trying to say without me pissing them off for lack of a better words. So with everything going on I'm pulling away distancing myself. Not that I am doing those things on purpose but it is just what I do to deal with stress

So this is a long story. And I apologize, I use talk to text since I Access this forum on my Mobil phone. And I appreciate you all hanging in there and reading.

Anyways where to being. Like the headliner says I was outted by my wife. Granted she didn't know, she was expecting something very different. Anyways. Here's to full version.

I have been dealing with think and feeling that I am and want to be a woman all my life. As long as I can remember since childhood. There could be a few contributing factors to this. Maybe due to my mom and dad being divorced and only raised by the women in the family or maybe even the sexual abuse I went through as a family member used me to discover that he himself is gay. Who knows... But the fact remains. As long as I can remember I have always been envious of the female body. I've always wanted a V instead of a P. Always wanted the curves and the hips. The whole package. Sadly I was born a boy. So I figured this was never going to happen. And I was able to repress and forget about these thoughts and feelings.

As the years passed. They would come and go. I always managed to repress them. Not sure why now they're back. Not sure why I can't seem to repress them anymore. Maybe stress,.maybe too much visual stimulation from social media and you tube on how many more.people are coming out in general. Maybe it was years of porn and the slow progression of porn from soft to some.of the more extreme kinds. Who knows.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on Yesterday at 07:04:15 AMYesterday, in a nearby town, I saw a transwoman exiting a grocery store. She wore a long, flowered skirt and a patterned  shirt and vest. Color and pattern atop color and pattern atop color and pattern, a rudimentary fashion mistake, which invite a second look all by itself...and that second look took me to a face not sufficiently softened by estrogen, which is why I clocked her. I expect you wouldn't make that mistake, but do use your wife as a fashion consultant, which is something nearly all women do.

I've been asking my wife what to wear for years. I don't see why anything would change going forward. 😉

And the advantage I have to is, as I might have mentioned? We've slowly been migrating my wardrobe over the past six months. A time lapse video of my closet would see the color palate soften, items replaced with either gender neutral or wholly female versions, etc... so that really there are days NOW where every item of clothing I'm wearing is women's clothing, even though I'm still presenting as male.

So it really will be hair, body changes, make up (which will be minimum), some jewelry I suppose (earrings for sure at some point), and some more overtly feminine items when the script really flips. But I cannot imagine making those "fashion don't" kind of mistakes.

Partly because of how we've slow played this, and partly because my wife would never let me. 😂

Chicken in the slow cooker with Sweet Baby Ray's Original Barbeque Sauce. Yuh Ummm!

Hopefully, that will put an end to that.

Bullies will continue to bully as long as they can get away with it. Good for you standing up for yourself. Nobody should have to put up with that.

I watched this at school, they put the TV on in the hall for us all to see.

That is good news, Gina.

It is perfectly natural to be a bit anxious, and I think your anxiety is well-placed. You are not second-guessing your decision and that is a healthy attitude. We wish you all the best.

I have always been the outdoor type. Growing up in the California desert, we had a ranch where we raised rabbits commercially. There were about seven ranches grouped together, so all of us kids hung out together. Rockhounding, hunting snakes, lizards, and jackrabbits, riding horses or motorcycles. As a family, we did a lot of hiking, camping, fishing, and hunting.

Of course, all that sun exposure is now why I have to see the dermatologist every six months. But given the chance to do it over, I doubt I would change anything.

Interesting anecdote about my dad:

He worked for NASA as an Electronics Engineer during the Apollo program. While he was working there, two historical events occurred that had never before occurred in the history of humankind. He worked out at the Mars Deep Space communications station.

Goldstone Tracking Station

In preparation for the Moon landing, NASA needed to know things like how far away is the Moon, how much fuel is needed, etc. To measure the distance between the Earth and the Moon, they would fire a laser at the surface and see how long it takes for the light to travel there and back. It was not a very good system because the light would scatter when it hit rocks or craters on the Moon's surface. But since no one had been there before, it was all they had.

One of the many tasks my dad did was to align the telescope. Our veterans and shooters will be familiar with boresighting. My dad had to look through a small telescope up on the dish and align the dish with a point on the Moon's surface. Then the operators would set the dish's settings accordingly and they could easily move the dish to those coordinates and it would be pointing at the Moon.

During Apollo 8 when astronaut Lovell and crew were going to orbit the moon for the first time, as they traveled around the back side of the moon there was no line-of-sight and thus no communications with the spacecraft. Using geometry and knowing the distance to the Moon and its diameter, they could calculate the circumference. Knowing how fast the craft was traveling they could calculate how long the craft would be out of communication with Mission Control. It turns out that their calculations were wrong.

But the first time the craft went behind the Moon and lost communications was the first time in human history that a human being could not see Earth. Think about that.

The second event was during Apollo 11 when Neil Armstrong was the first human to set foot on the Moon's surface. One of the greatest achievements in human history and my dad worked for NASA and helped with that mission. But at the moment when that happened, my dad was not at work. He was on a camping trip with me!

We went backpacking in the Sierra Nevada mountains in California. We spent eight days hiking 53 miles of the John Muir Trail. One morning as we were having breakfast, one of the other members of our party was listening to a portable radio. He said, "Well, we have now walked on the Moon."

While the astronauts were there, one of their projects was to install large prisms to act as mirrors. Now when they fire lasers at the Moon's surface they get very accurate data and know exactly how far away it is. All the Conspiracy Theorists who say that the Moon Landing never happened can't explain how those mirrors got there. They can be seen from Earth, so we know they are there.

And the dinner! I have been trying for ages and stuck at same weight ,lack of exercise is my problem after my bad back/hip.